Mediator In Jeans Podcast

“I’m sorry” is one of the first phrases we learn as a child.  We learn that our words and actions can hurt or harm others.  Sadly however, saying “I’m sorry” is not enough and more needs to be done to mend the relationship.  A true healing apology can transform a relationship by making your bond stronger and it can prevent many unnecessary conflicts in the future.   In this week’s episode, I share what a healing apology is and how it can transform your relationship, because it will prevent conflict and allow you to find creative ways to meet each other’s expectations, needs and wants.

Have you ever done something for someone, expecting them to praise you or give you a complement?  How did you feel when they didn’t meet your expectations?  Knowing this answer is part of understanding your Emotional Intelligence.  Knowing your  Emotional Intelligence is the number one game changer when it comes to developing more satisfying and rewarding relationships.  By improving your Emotional Intelligence, you become a better partner, friend and leader because you are able to present your truest self to the world and have a deeper empathy and ability to understand the needs of others.  In this episode, we dive a bit deeper into understanding why Emotional Intelligence is important and how you can improve and grow in your own Emotional Intelligence IQ.  Further Reading and Resources  Emotional Intelligence - Why It Can Matter More Than IQ* (2019), Daniel Goleman. Emotional Intelligence Tests  UC Berkeley EI IQ Quiz   Psychology Today Emotional Intellgence Test   * This is an affiliate link.  Your support really helps the channel.  Thank you.

Every relationship has a power dynamic, but what matters most is if that power is balanced or is imbalanced.  A balance of power means that the skills and insights are respected and honestly considered when making a decision or when planning on how to get things done.  However, when there is an imbalance of power in a relationship, manipulation, coercion and all forms of abuse can begin to become the norm.  This week’s episode discusses ways to regain a healthy level of power and influence your relationship.   Sign Up for Adore More Challenge Waitlist   Free Guide - How to Figure Out for What You Want  

The word “boundaries” is often used when talking about relationships.  But what does it really mean? How do you tell the people in your life about your own personal limits? Today’s episode we will explore why boundaries are important and how to let the people in our life know what your limits are, and how to make your relationship grow in respect and understanding.   Video mentioned in this episode – Kristen Bell on Fights with Husband Dax Shepard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znFvQx9GRo0  

Beliefs can frame how we see ourselves, the world and the relationships around us.  Some of our beliefs are based on what we have learned from the experience and understanding of others. But can a belief really change?  And, aren’t some beliefs helpful because they provide an emotional and spiritual foundation for living? The answer to this question is yes, our beliefs provide the blueprint for how we think the world works and what we think is truly available for us.    Sadly, however, there are times the assessments, judgments and experiences of others can cloud our own thoughts and feelings of how and what we believe is true about ourselves.  If more than one teacher told you, you would never be good in math. Or a parent told you, that you were too plain, overweight to be attractive. We have a way of internalizing these perceptions of others as truths about ourselves.  Then we go along living our lives telling ourselves that we are stupid, ugly or unattractive. When in reality we have the capability to learn, change and evolve when we are giving the tools and support, we need to overcome our deepest insecurities.   For example, when I was in school, I was told that I didn’t have the mind for figures.  I thought, “Well they are the adults they should know. I guess I don’t have to get upset when I don’t do as well on my tests.”   I internalized this judgement as true to the point that every time I sat down to balance my checkbook; I would have a great deal of anxiety…. not necessarily because of the balance, but the simple fear that I would do it wrong.   Then years later I was at a crossroads and I had to make the decision about going to grad school and pursuing my dreams or staying in my dead end job because it was the safe choice.    My biggest fear about grad school was the math requirement.  After all, I “didn’t have a mind for figures.” I thought, well now I’m older and will ask others for help and actually learn something this time.   That is exactly what I did. I found a tutor who was willing to help me get a better understanding of how numbers work and then how they are used in various forms of mathematics.  As a side note, if you are looking for a good foundational math book, check out the Math Smart Series, its demystified mathematics and brought my understanding and confidence to a more manageable level.  Now do I love math? No, but I’m not intimidated by it compared to when I was younger.    This whole illustration is to prove that there are times in life when we have to become mindful about the beliefs we hold and whether these beliefs are still true?  IF we are living well, we are growing and evolving as individuals learning to be more authentic and confident with showing the world who we really are.    It’s with this motivation and intention that I want to discuss a few Relationship Myths or Limiting Beliefs that are preventing you from creating the life and love you need to live your fullest potential.    There are so many bad relationship habits that are applauded, magnified and cheered in modern day life.  As a result, it makes it a challenge to help see how some of these expectations can do more harm than good when entering into or trying to maintain a healthy relationship.   While somethings may be said as a funny joke, deep down I think people actually believe them.     Here are a few I see the most often:       If the relationship is meant to be, it will just happen.  Relationships are like boats that they take direction from the people on the boat.  Yes, you could let the boat drift out to sea, come what may or you can decide your course together and work together towards a common vision… making adjustments as tides and life change.       If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy.  There are two people in a relationship, and if Papa has to be the one that always gives, he will likely begin to resent mama over the long term.  Trust me, everyone has a breaking point. If the guy is always the person at fault he will start to give up and not even try to do anything, if everything he does is wrong, no matter his intention.        If you love someone, you want to spend all your time or at least as much time as possible with them.  Spending time is Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages. Yes, spending time is important, but it’s also important to have a good balance of life outside the relationship.  Interests and friendship outside of marriage can make for a more rewarding and satisfying relationship, because your mate does not carry the weight of being the end all be all for you.        If you love someone, they will make you happy and know what you need without saying anything.       It’s better to avoid a fight, then make things worse.  While avoidance is one way to deal with conflict, it’s not a great go to method.  Because the conflict will not magically disappear. People may avoid conflict so as to not cause drama in front of others.  Or to wait until there is a more appropriate time to discuss what is going on. The issue will need to be dealt with. For example, if your mate is constantly late for appointments, you can tell them how much it annoys you and how you wish they would be on time.  Or you will have to find a creative way to keep your mate on time.          Don’t go to bed mad. Are you likely going to sleep better if you have resolved conflicts before going to bed?  Yes, but is it better to fight all night, possibly getting stuck in a conflict cycle that never ends, because each of you is trying to prove your point.  No. If you have reached an impasse and feel so emotionally overloaded that you can’t think, that is the time, to stop, take a deep breath, take a break and go into separate rooms.  Nothing is ever resolved when both people are flooded with emotions. Such emotional flooding puts our bodies into fight or flight modes. If you want to resolve a conflict wait until both of you have calmed down and actually have the emotional bandwidth to hear what each other is saying, rather than spending time trying to defend your position.  Remember, healthy couples do argue, but when they take a step back, they remember the importance of listening to understand and be understood. Instead of trying to prove a point.        True love is when you can’t tell where you begin and your partner ends. No, that’s called codependency.  You can adore your husband, but you are two distinct individuals within a marriage. You each have your own feelings, history, expectations and beliefs about the world that may be different from each other.  That’s why it’s a good idea never to assume how your mate will respond or react to any given situation. They may surprise you.       My mate knows exactly what they did to upset me. I don’t have to say anything.  No, that is not correct. If your mate has done something to upset you, you need to let them know directly and clearly.  Don’t play games, don’t wait for them to approach you simply say, when you said or did X, you really hurt my feelings. Please don’t do that again.   This is one way you communicate how you want to be treated and what is not acceptable.         If we fight a lot, it’s okay because that means we are two passionate people.     Many people confuse the feelings of conflict as that of passion. When in reality, they are very different experiences.  When we experience passion our heart and mind are focused on every aspect of another person. Our senses are heightened.  We long to be as close as possible to another person.     In conflict, our emotions are heightened, but the focus and goal are something different.  When we feel the rush of energy in our body, we naturally turn on the primal fight or flight instinct.  Many times, we focus on defending ourselves from another. Trying to argue, cry, shut down, or physically react to the environment to communicate our anger, frustration, fear or hate.      In both situations, our bodies are flooded with adrenaline and a cocktail of other assorted cocktails hormones.  And, it is true after both situations, our body begins to calm down and return to a more relaxed state. However, the result of the aftermath will be very different.  In the first instance passion is hopefully matched with intimacy, connection and vulnerability with another person.     In the second situation, words and actions have been expressed with the specific intent to hurt and harm another person.  Our intention is not to be understood or to grow together in vulnerability. Instead, we view the other as a threat to our existence and who must be destroyed at any cost.     In short, passion is available to us as a means of connecting to another, a safe person to be vulnerable with and an experience where we can create something beautiful. Conflict is an expression of disagreement and misunderstanding.  A lack of connection and at times a form of protection from being seen and understood by another person.     I want you to take a moment and think about a relationship that is important to you. I want you to think about the last time you had an argument.  Who was the first to say they were sorry? Is that person the one who seems to always apologize? I’m not saying they have never done something to be sorry for, but what I am suggesting is, is it possible there are times when both of you have been in the wrong, but the other person takes the weight of the blame to return the relationship to a peaceful state?  Does it really work? My guess is, the answer is no, and the same conflict continues to reappear. We will discuss how to prevent recurring fights in a later episode. But for now, I want you to allow yourself to question what you believe about what is acceptable behavior in your relationships and if your beliefs are what you really believe or are they beliefs that others told you, you had to have.  Once you know what is true for you, you will be able to advocate and ask for what you need in more concrete ways.     I’ve also included a list of my favorite books when it comes to overcoming limiting beliefs as a significant step towards developing your truest potential for an amazing life.  Recommended Reading List   The Big Leap by Gay Hindricks*  https://amzn.to/2Un11Wa   The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz*  https://amzn.to/2QPZGFm   The Psychology of Winning by Denis E. Waitley*  https://amzn.to/2vUIur5 *These are affiliate links that will not increase the cost of the book, but your purchase provides a small commission which helps support this program.  Thank you!

In this weeks episode Sarah writes,  I love my husband, but we were having some problems and we were unfaithful to each other.  Can trust be rebuilt? If so, how? Thank you Sarah,  I know betrayal is one of the worst feelings. Trust is a very fragile thing, it’s easy to break, easy to lose and one of the hardest things to get back.  But I want you to know there is hope, if you are both willing to make the effort and spend the time to do the work.   Make a Commitment for a Fresh Start, and Mean It.  If the two of you are willing to forgive and start fresh.  But be willing to give each other space to work through whatever reasons or justifications you both used to be unfaithful.   I suggest finding a clergy or counselor to help you work through your own issues, first.  Set Realistic Expectations  When we love each other we don't want to fail the people closest to us.  That's why it's important to get your house in order, to ensure you are clear and realistic about the expectations of your spouse and  the future of your relationship. Be Honest about Your Needs and Expectations Trust can be rebuilt when you each are honest about what you need and expect from each other in order to regain trust. You will also have to work out the specifics of how you will hold each other accountable, when your relationship experiences challenges. Most importantly, be clear about how you want to spend time rebuilding your relationship.  Both of you will need to make it a priority that is non negotiable. If you can do this, and let go of past hurts, you will be able to rebuild trust.   Realize Rebuilding Trust Takes Time Don't rush each other, be patient and kind to each other and it will transform your relationship. Stay consistent with your efforts to reconnect and follow through with promises and commitments made.  Be sure to sign up for the Adore More Waitlist and learn more about the 12 Most Important Forms of Intimacy.  Because, the stronger your intimacy and connection, your relationship will be able to weather the difficulties of life.  I am also going to include a link to the How to Figure Out What You Want Guide, that will hopefully help each of you gain clarity into what you are really wanting and needing from this relationship.  Additional Resources  How to Figure Out What You Want Guide Join the Adore More Challenge Waitlist and receive the free PDF Guide, The 12 Most Important Forms of Intimacy and Connection.     

Relationship Habits People Think Are Okay, But Aren’t   Habits ~ according to the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, a habit is a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior.  For better or for worse, our family and friends teach us how to deal with others.  And sometimes those lessons lead to healthy habits and other times, they contribute to the erosion of a relationship.   How we deal with differences of opinion or conflict is greatly determined by our habits and what we think is a “normal” way to respond. However, many of the ways we think are normal are actually unhealthy.   Now this isn’t to say healthy relationships don’t have disagreements… they do.  The difference greatly depends on their use of healthier ways of dealing with problems and their minimal dependance on the use of unhealthy ways of dealing with issues.  The more bad relationship habits you rely on to get your message across, or get your way the more difficult it is to repair over time.    So, let’s take a few minutes and review the bad habits that people think are normal, but really aren’t healthy in the long run.     I want you to think about the last argument you had with your friend or mate. And, as I list and describe each relationship habit I want you to figure out if you tend to use the methods to prove your point or get your way.     1.Keeping Score Card  and comparison- Competing with each other - who does more work…instead of negotiating what each should do. Respecting each other's limits….getting things done without resentment and guilt.    2.Applying Guilt and Passive Aggressive Moves like Sarcasm   Threaten to Leave if you don’t get what you want - Common weapon of manipulation and emotional blackmail.   Blame Partner for your emotions and reaction to things. Lack of boundaries - We are responsible for our own actions. Codependent relationships bread resentment.   Jealousy - Controlling demands of who you see, where you go and what you do.  Not trusting you to make the right decisions and being faithful and loyal to your mate.    Buying your way out of your conflict/disagreement - brush under the rug… things build up.    Hold Grudges, not letting things go even when you say you’re fine.   Consistently show contempt and annoyance of their mate, roll eyes ext.   Stop making time to have fun with each other.   Constantly criticize their partner's comings.    Assume you know what your mate thinks and how they will respond without talking to them.   12.Assume the worst in your mate.    Keeping feelings to yourself until the littlest thing sets you off.    Second guesses when their mate does something and assumes their mate wants something, not just because.    When you argue you insult your mate for making the wrong decision or not doing things the way you think they should.   Feel the need to control how your mate cleans up the house, does the dishes and shares household responsibilities.  Doesn’t allow their mate to do things their way,   Doesn’t reach out for help and insists that they can fix what they have broken, but may not have the tools or perspective to make the change.    End up doing more things separately than together. One night on the couch turns into months apart.    First to blame rather than give mate the benefit of the doubt.    Don’t show appreciation or say thank you for the little things.    Speak louder in order to be heard.    My point about each of these tactics is that they if used too often will begin to erode your relationship.    The good news is, our bad habits can change.  But we need to know how to handle things better and how to repair the relationship if we have gone off course.    If you like to learn more about healthy relationship skills and improving the quality of your relationships make sure to sign up for the Adore More Challenge Waitlist where we will go through the healthy forms of intimacy and how healthy relationship habits can improve your overall quality of life.  See the link in the description for more info..     *************   Episode Summary In this episode relationship bad habits are discussed.  We review what they are and how they contribute to a relationships demise if used too often.  Thankfully, bad habits can be changed. If you would like to learn more about improving your relationship bad habits, sign up for the Adore More Challenge Waitlist.     Sign up for the Adore More Challenge Waitlist

Laurie writes,  My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has recently changed his mind about my daughter and I moving in with him. We haven't been intimate in over 4 months. He tells me he loves me everyday. I asked him today, “What does he want from me? Or, does he want to be with me at all?” He said he doesn't know what he wants. He is my best friend and I love him something fierce. I don't know if I should walk away now and move on with my life or try to figure out a way to keep our relationship together. Please help. It's so hard when someone we love doesn't love us back, in the way we would like. If he doesn't know what he wants, it will be close to impossible to move forward.  However, consider this, if you truly love each other, your relationship will be at its best when both of you are ready and willing to love each other completely. For now, don't make any major changes.  Instead, consider ways you can support his efforts to "figure it" out.  Does he need more time on his own, more money, success? If he really doesn't know what he wants, in order to be with you completely, then you need to give him space to figure it out, on his own.  Most importantly, let him come to you when he is ready or wants to talk.  Most importantly, tell him this is what you are expecting. I realize this type of conversation is not easy.    You could say something like, "I love you and I know you have some thinking to do, about us.  I will give you some space to think and will wait to hear from you. If you want to talk at any time, I'm here.  Just know how much I love you." Take things day by day and without any major expectations of him or the future of your relationship.  Make sure he knows that you are there for him and will still love him, no matter what he decides.    How long you should wait for him to figure things out will be up to you.  Ask yourself, "How much time am I willing to wait before I start to feel frustrated and angry?"  You shouldn't put your life on hold, just because he doesn't know what he wants.  If you NEED to know what he wants, in order to feel secure in the relationship, and he is not capable of giving that to you, then you will need to be willing to walk away.  I know this is the most difficult option, but if you NEED to know what he wants for your relationship to succeed, and he doesn't/can't give that to you, in time, both of you will start to resent and hate each other. If the romantic relationship needs to end, then let it be what it is, rather than what you had hoped it would be.  This doesn't mean you can't be "friends", it just means you no longer have "romantic" expectations of him. If the "romantic relationship" must end, you owe it to yourself and your daughter, to keep your heart open to finding someone who will love you completely and willingly.  Not knowing what you want can be heartbreaking and can cause stress and a loss of sleep and time enjoying life.  If you need help trying to figure out what you want, check out the link in the description for my free guide that I use when couples come to my mediation table.  Wishing you all the best, Shawna  To learn more about the Adore More Challenge and learn about the 12 forms of connection and intimacy and check out the free pdf guide, click here.

Mary writes,  My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and we have hit a rough patch.  I lost my job due to MS and it’s caused such a strain that I’ve decided to stay with my mother than continue living with my husband.  What should we do to get things back on track? Your health is one of the most important things and should be your primary purpose.  This situation has given both of you an opportunity to learn patience, compassion and understanding.  They are each important and powerful skills that don’t come easy at times. But they are required during difficult times.  But let’s start with the fundamentals of staying connected to your husband, even if he can’t give you the same level of TLC as your mom.  Please don’t deny him an opportunity to help support you in the best ways he can. I would recommend doing three things: Set aside at least 20 minutes (more if you have it) to have a REAL conversation. They should only talk about one stressor in each conversation.  Pick one stressor or concern you have and talk about it. But before the conversation, they should set the ground rule, that whatever is shared is not intended to place blame, anger, frustration or disappointment.  The goal here is to get used to talking about what is stressing them out, but sometimes they don’t have the best words to describe what they are experiencing. Second, it gives the other person an opportunity to learn how to listen without responding to negative cues that make them feel attacked and disrespected.    They need to create the habit of praying twice a day (together).  This is not intended to be anything long and formal. Only a reminder that they are not in this life experience alone. They should do this morning and night.  This will help them start their day off right and end the day by sharing their gratitude and concerns. After all, they don’t have to solve everything in a day or by themselves.    Take a few moments to spend time together and not think or discuss the stressors that are happening around them.  This is not about avoiding their troubles. Instead, this is to help each other deal with stress in a healthier way than attacking each other out of fear.  They could go for a walk and talk about movies or tv… anything other than the major stress in their lives. They need to take a moment and laugh, connect and see the good that they each bring into the relationship.     I hope this helps get you both back on track to understanding and supporting each other the best you can.    Wishing you all the best,  Shawna

Donna writes, A year and a half ago, I was in a brief relationship with this guy.  He was cool and fun to be with, but he said he needed his space to work a few things out before making a commitment, because he didn’t feel he was in any shape to make a real commitment to me.  Well, a few days ago, I received a text from him saying that he is a changed man and that he found the love of his life. I told him I was happy for him and that I hope everything works out for him, but honestly, the news was like a knife in my heart.  What should I do?   I’m sorry Donna.   I know it hurts to the core.  So for now, try to take many deep breaths.   You have every right to feel sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed and any other feelings that come up. It’s alright to feel what you feel.  If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell. Get your feelings out.   Also,  be sure to take this time to be kind to yourself.  Don’t beat yourself up for having these feelings. Instead, in your silent moments, be proud of yourself for being brave enough to open your heart to both love someone and receive love.     It feels horrible when someone doesn’t feel the same way, but that’s okay.   Believe it or not, you are a strong person.  I know this because you feel the loss of someone you love so deeply. Don’t rush into trying to get over him, but don’t let the negative feelings linger so long that you become jaded about loving someone or being loved.  You have the power to decide what lessons this relationship has taught you.   Give yourself time to grieve and heal.  Then, pick yourself up again and show the world what you have to offer.   You are worthy of receiving love.  Keep your heart open and if your heart desires a romantic relationship, keep your heart and mind open to receiving love from others.  Feel free to contact me and let me know how you are doing.  To send a question, please email ask@mediatorinjeans.com To take advantage of the 30 Day free trial and receive your free audiobook visit www.audibletrial.com/MIJ  

Andrew writes, My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and well, we have turned into being roommates, so much so, I have decided to ask for a divorce.  We separated a few months back (to see if we should divorce.) We have moved back in together, but I honestly, don’t want to be married any more. What should I do?  How should I tell her? I am a bit of a people pleaser and I don’t like arguments; how can I tell her without all of the drama? First, I would like to remind you and anyone considering divorce.  Divorce is hard, so make sure you have done everything you possibly can to reconnect with your spouse and attempt to rediscover who they are and who you can be in each others life.  I would also recommend looking into the book, “The Love Dare” because it gives you practical ways you can reconnect with your wife in both romantic, emotional and spirtiual ways. Remember love is a choice you make everyday you are married.  If you have done everything you can to redicover your wife, you have spoken with trusted friends and professionals about where you are in life and what you need in order to be happy, and it still does not include being married to your wife… then and only then would I say take the next steps.  Before you make any major changes or try to talk to your wife about your change of heart, I invite you to consider your answers to these questions.   I also want to ask you a few questions.  The goal here is to help you figure out what you are expecting verses what you are experiencing in your marriage.   Are you saying the love you have for her is more friendly than romantic?   Have there been situations when you have felt disrespected or dismissed by your wife?  Do you conversations quickly turn negative and judgemental? Do you feel the marriage is a series of manipulative game playing?  What specific instances have made you feel less than? Please take a few days to answer these questions and get clear about why you believe marriage is no longer something you want in your life.   In the end, if you are not clear about what you want and need from her or address those situations that have caused you to adjust your feelings towards her, things will not improve.  Once you have your list of situations that chipped away your romantic feelings and once you get clear about how you want and need to be treated, you can begin better understand what you need from her in order to feel loved and secure in the relationship.  Now, realize once you do sit down with her and explain everything that you have been holding on too, she will likely feel overwhelmed and defensive. (i.e. Why didn’t you tell me this before?)  Let her have her moment and respect her feelings, but stay focused about what you are really needing from her in order to regain the romantic love you feel is currently lacking.   If you are both willing to try and make an improved effort to fall back in love, or find better ways of communicating with each other when either one of you is upset, you will likely find that the secure romantic feeling will likely return.   I would think long and hard before breaking up, because divorce is absolutely no picnic and the grass isn’t always greener. Use this time as an opportunity to improve your self awareness about what you need and want in your marriage relationship, and try to be a better advocate for yourself.   If she is unwilling to become more mindful about your concerns, or falls into old habits within a few weeks…. That is a different story.  But at least you will have a clearer idea about why the relationship needs to end.    This isn’t about making the other person out to be the evil one, this is about respecting the other for who they are and what they may not be capable of providing you in a relationship.  She may love you, but she is unable to meet your basic needs within the relationship. For example, you may need more encouraging words of appreciation and physical touch, but she having to say something nice or hug and kiss you often are a waste of time. This is a problem.  Each of you will feel frustrated because what you need is not natural for her to give, and you aren’t receiving what you need to feel loved and secure in the relationship.  I am assuming of course, that the major issue here is a matter of marital incompatibility and not something more extreme.  We all carry baggage into our relationships.  Over time, what will happen is your resentment towards her will grow and the relationship will likely turn toxic.   The majority of people don’t change overnight, and how you feel didn’t just happen. So, improving the situation will take time.  If you are both willing to be committed to each other and encourage each other to make an active effort to do better.  I hope this helps.  If you would like to ask relationship question, email Shawna at ask@mediatorinjeans.com If you would like to learn more about the book "The Love Dare" by Alex Kendrick, get your copy on Amazon* https://amzn.to/38guc1D  If you would like to sign up for a free 30 day Audible trial* and receive your free audiobook, please visit http://audibletrial.com/MIJ (*This is an affiliate link. It will not change the price you pay, but we will receive a small commission that will help support the channel.  Thank you.)