Pardo'n Me Butler

Tom and Alberto interview their first guest of 2021, Scotsman Andrew McWilliams, who tells us all about the world of competing to be a nation's strongest man. Speaking of which, have you ever rolled over an entire car?! You can find Andrew and follow his journey on Instagram @andrew_troj_mcwilliams (no affiliation with Trojan condoms... or so he says!)

How fast can YOU eat a bowl of pasta?

Award shows give out a lot of lifetime achievement awards, but what about those people who shouldn't be celebrated? Tom and Alberto look at the careers of some of the most obviously worst people in memory, including some personal grievances in the entertainment and sports world. Thank you to our sponsor, Colgate-Facebook!

Tom and Alberto explore the dubious morals of the FRIENDS characters. Criminal, braggarts, thieves and rogues. And that's just Phoebe!

We're all familiar with the idea of a Roman emperor: a tanned god amongst men, eating grapes and leading armies before dying in a dramatic way. Tom and Alberto take a look at the most fascinating deaths of these historic characters.

Net polluter? Unreasonable working conditions? Terrible hiring practices? Just your typical state school!

Tom and Alberto both start from scratch to design their own ideal video game before putting it to the ultimate test — how would the other host fare as the main character? They don't stop there, though, as both hosts offer “helpful” suggestions to the other on improvements. Keep an eye out for a certain recurring “Bob” — and the realisation of an epic game franchise.

Let's say that you had to be stranded on Syndrome's (The Incredibles character) deserted tropical island. What 3 artists would you choose to listen to?

Former actor and US President Donald J. Trump tendered his resignation from the SAG-AFTRA union. Who cares! (Tom and Alberto do.) Our hosts also share their methodology for choosing a favourite film.

Tom and Alberto don their pirate hats and take to the high seas to explore the youth's latest trend: singing sea shanties on TikTok. This episode starts with the audio of the viral track (including a club remix!) that launched the career of Scottish postman-turned-musician Nathan Evans, who apparently found his postal work so dull that he had to sing sea shanties just to survive the menial labour. And if sea shanties don't float your boat? You can blame Greta Thunberg and her sailboat for bringing them into vogue.

Tom and Alberto use a spark of madness to cover the positive, happy news stories of 2020.

Tom and Alberto share their list of most impactful people this year, including Dr Fauci, Ivanka Trump, and the people who made the game Among Us (that one's for you, youth!). Prepare for a stunning revelation at the end.

But why is she? Tom and Alberto explore the story of America's most famous reality TV star, trying to understand what exactly 14 year old girls around the world idolise in this woman. Listen as our hosts make the case for street fighting paparazzi and ass implants.

Tom and Alberto decided to roll up their sleeves and do some first-hand 'research' on the Kardashians' sex, lies, and videotapes. How exactly did this family become "famous for being famous" - who in Hollywood can we blame? Just how many scandals fill their ethical pit, which distracts us all from being able to live happy lives? And why does anyone, especially President Donald Trump, take them seriously? Perhaps it's all because of the head-turning style of the signature "Maroon Manwhore" lipstick, now available from Kylie Cosmetics and available at your nearest beauty retailer!

Where did Black Friday come from? And what drives people so mad that they will cut, shoot, and even kill one another for a discount on last year's TV? Tom and Alberto set aside the turkey and mashed potatoes to examine the increasingly transatlantic phenomenon that is the year's biggest shopping day.

We finally have a guest star! Alberto's Parisian friend Clarisse joins the pod to bring her French perspective to our discussion about laïcité and free speech. In the wake of the gruesome attack on French schoolteacher Samuel Paty, and the subsequent criticisms from some Muslim nations and some people within our Western nations, we thought it would be important to talk about the need to preserve our right to offend one another and stand up for our liberal values.

From the humble days of unfortunate seashells to the complex geopolitics of navigating your office's toilets, humans have come a long way in our quest to do our 'business' with dignity. Listen as Tom and Alberto unfurl the history of humanity's greatest struggle against our own bodies.

The most mysterious - and perhaps deadliest - organ in your body is undeniably the pancreas. What does it do? Where even is it? And why on earth would you listen to a podcast about it? Hit play to hear Tom and Alberto answer all your burning questions!

Bowser's political platform, genocide, Yoshi's god-like history, slavery, Princess Peach's questionable ethics, and animal abuse. Tom and Alberto uncover the truly horrific dystopia of the Mushroom Kingdom, exposing the hyper-capitalist nightmare that fuels hours of children's entertainment.

Tom and Alberto are galled by the gallbladder - your body's most mysteriously useless organ. Hear our non-medical experts take on the big global conspiracy behind the golf ball industry.

Alberto shares his favourite bets and predictions for making some money on the 2020 US elections. Hope you're registered to vote!

Why is JK Rowling so obsessed with toilets?! She makes an unsettling number of bathroom references in the Harry Potter series -- references that can only indicate a fixation with the ceramic throne. Tom and Alberto go from front to back to lift the lid on this disturbing phenomenon.

How do kidneys even work?? We don't know! So we went to the NIH website to find out what decides a good acid trip, how to compliment a girl's glomeruli, and where to find some exciting once-per-lifetime clinical trial opportunities.

13th episode, 13 minutes long, for no discernible reason. Tom gives us some really solid health advice (that will help you save money!).

Tom and Alberto round off an epic podcast saga, finishing their four-part series that examines how the Democratic and Republican parties switched positions over time. Heard of compassionate conservatism? New Democrats? The Financial Services Modernization Act of 1999? Neither had we!

It's part three and we're finally ready to talk about the Civil Rights Era of the 1960s and the biggest political realignment in modern times. Republicans that care about special education? Democrats who escalate foreign wars? It's truly a bizarre and messy period of American history. Who better to navigate you, dear listener, through these murky waters than Tom and Alberto, who actually did a ton of research for this episode. This third instalment of the series was meant to cover the 1960s to today, but there was too much to cover in one hour, so we're doing it Harry Potter style where we split the final part into two bits. Quiver with excitement as you listen!

Listen to part two of our three-part series examining how the Republican and Democratic parties switched positions, most particularly on race. Tom and Alberto will take you, our dear listener-viewer (?), from FDR and the New Deal through to the Civil Rights Era of the 1960s. Also, did you know LBJ had a “PHD”?

As the USA breaks out once again into civil unrest over the death of George Floyd, an unarmed black man, at the hands of police, you may be seeing people online say that Trump's Republican Party has always been on the side of black Americans; after all, they're the "Party of Lincoln." Simultaneously, it is true that the Democratic Party was the party of the South, of Jim Crow laws, of lynching and oppression. This just doesn't make sense given what we know about politics today. So how, and why, did the two big parties switch positions? Listen as Tom and Alberto finally got around to properly researching this to give you the answers you're looking for. Part one of three.

Hey there, friend. How are you coping in these strange, difficult, and unprecedented times? Join Tom and Alberto as they dial in during lockdown to discuss/rant about the infuriating habits of meme pages before discussing their top five deepest post-lockdown desires. Sushi? Travelling? Whatever you wish for, remember to stay safe. And please, don't inject disinfectant to fight coronavirus - because we're still looking into that.

The coronavirus pandemic is raging around the world, so naturally it's time for Tom and Alberto to step in. We're not here to make you feel better, just different. Tom walks us through a history of horrible diseases, including the Black Death, Spanish Flu, and HIV/AIDS -- and Alberto then teaches Tom why the Black Death was not ‘the Michael Jordan of diseases'.

Tom and Alberto visit the barnyard to check out the Disney Cash Cow. Our culture warriors tackle the socioeconomic side of the Marvel Universe, wonder why there are so many unnecessary remakes of popular films, and wonder if the Star Wars trilogy will ever start without an orphan, on a desert planet, with a cute droid friend.

What was the colour of the carpet in the Dursley home? Where were the stones used to build Hogwarts sourced from? How does the global wizarding economy function? More than a decade on from the publication of the 7th and "final" Harry Potter book, fans of the series just can't stop asking these sorts of questions - and JK Rowling continues to appease them by adding constant retcons (retroactive continuities, aka embellishing the original books). Join Tom and Alberto as they go through why so many of these questions actually take away from the enjoyment of the original work of art - and how the spinoff film series ("Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them") represents little more than a cash grab rooted in a lack of creativity. Is this what the Crucio curse feels like?

Tom and Alberto dive into Korean cultural exports, discussing the brilliance of the film Parasite (seriously, have you seen it?!) and the Korean K-Pop machine, which is successful at exporting Korean music - but has questionable ethics. Our intrepid hosts also note how Ed Sheeran and Lewis Capaldi's voices got them where they are today… but perhaps not their looks. Sorry, lads.

It's All Things Scottish as Tom and Alberto discuss Burns Night, rugby, curling, and conspiracy theories about the coronavirus (okay, this last one might not actually be Scottish).

Tom and Alberto explore the "democratising" power of the Internet and compare how the US and UK choose their most powerful leaders. Guess which one is far more bizarre! As the US Democratic nomination officially kicks off tomorrow with the Iowa caucuses, be sure to listen in and realise just how mad - and unrepresentative - the whole process really is.

Tom and Alberto present an epic first episode of a totally-well-planned, definitely-structured-ahead-of-time podcast. Drawing on Tom's Britishness and Alberto's American upbringing, listen as they chat about: what it's like to buy a home in Edinburgh, Scotland; the structure of the British versus Continental European legal systems; and the miscarriage of justice known as the Central Park Five case. Also, haggis.