They Come to America

Ah, New Jersey, where the men are angry sentient grease, the women are mistresses, the children are diners and strip malls, the young adults are pollution and capicola is gabagool. All this and more absolutely inexplicable nonsense as we're joined by Marti's future brother-in-law, Nick Tazza of Algernon Cadwallader to discuss the state that god forgot. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Minnesota featuring Tane Graves from the mighty Tightwire. Minnesota has been called a lot of things: the place where Fargo is (it's not), mean Wisconsin (eh..more true than you may think), and the Canadian south (completely true). Come for the snow, stay for the hot dish, then die and hear the whisperings all about how you really let yourself go in those last few months from beyond the grave. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

After what I'm sure seemed like an aimless 40-year roam through the desert without your favorite podcast, we're back! Friend of the show Tim Browne of Elway fame joins us once more and we do what we do best: aimlessly bullshit. There are facts! There are stories! And there's probably some other stuff too. I forget. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

We are joined by the star of Uncle Peckerhead, Jeff Riddle this week. Anyhow, what can we say about Pennsylvania that we couldn't say about any spot anywhere where people eat horseshit to celebrate sports victories and throw batteries at their enemies like some sort of perverse tradition? Come for the liberty bell, stay for the deeply encrusted grime that saturates every single surface in every city. OR, go to the country and fuck someone with a beard through a sheet. The choice is yours, yo. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What can you say about Georgia that can't be said about John Wayne Gacy: it fucks children up for life, it's fat, it's adorable and every once in a while the incomparable Corey Ryan Forrester pulls out long enough for us to chat with him. This is one for the ages. Corey is a lot funnier than most and also a lot smarter than most. Which, he's from Georgia? Weird. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Massholes, massdongs, masclams and mastits, get ready for the most uncompromisingly grating episode yet. This week we visit Massachusetts with Tom from new Red Scare Industries signees No Trigger. Massachusetts truly has everything: racists, chowder, racism, insufferable sports teams, and also racism. If you haven't signed up for our Patreon yet, you'll miss out on stories that include someone getting stabbed in the head with a toothbrush and a fire of sorts. If you're one of our patrons, congrats on not being a cheap fuck. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

When the ground is salt and the beer is illegal, where do you turn? That's right, weird religion. Join us as we discuss the only state in America where you can kinda get away with having a few wives. We're happy to host Justin Yates, engineer to the stars, as we dissect this impossibly boring layer of earth's discarded pie crust. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What happens when you hit up your homie from Utah to do your podcast? His tour bus breaks down and he blows it completely. So instead, we bring you quite possibly the most epic They Come To America yet. Marti and Beex bring you facts about literally everything and stories from our Illinois lives. One of these stories is only 2 weeks old. Don't sleep on this one, because unlike the rest of em, it's good. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

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Ah, alaska, where the men are men and the women are holes in mattresses. Join us as we examine the absolutely stupidest state that people pretend to like just so they can try to seem interesting. Fun fact: Um, nope. there are none. Get ready to die, folks. that's what this state of preppers has been doing since before you were born. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Featuring Aaron SMALL HANDS Thompson, we delve into the state that literally has no redeeming qualities: California. Witness the majesty of the coastlines (yawn) and the grandiosity of the mountains (boring) and also all the weird monster energy drink neck tattoos you can possibly eat. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Join Marti and Brendan as they venture into the brave new world of OnlyFans, where there will be more content and probably a few shots of their testicles here and there. But wait! There's more! If you listen to this episode you'll be treated to not one, not two, but three stories about their hometown of Chicago, at least one of which features a gigantic penis. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Fat Mike of NOFX, the first guy everyone thinks of when they think of West Virginia, joins us to discuss the ins and outs of your cousin's underpants, the pharmacy, and the place where they cook the possum you just hit on the way into town. In other words, it's an oxy snorting, cousin humping, roadkill eating good time. Come for the two-dollar steaks, stay because you got arrested for murder after sleeping in a dead girl's bed. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Well! It's They Come to America's one-year anniversary and we are gonna blow off a few fingers as we light a few Donald Trump-branded fireworks and then we're gonna get down to brass tacks. Facts? We got em. Stories about the two most totally hardcore American states ever: Texas and Vermont. We got em too along with an (actually good) story from Marti from his time in the wild savannah that is Chicago, Illinois. Dig this beautiful achievement or forever regret it. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Much like the average number of teeth of the average Alabamian, there are three of us on this sojourn into Alabama. We're joined by friend of the show Stu Thompson who rolled a little Tide in college and we discuss everything from what makes Alabama the physical embodiment of a cheeseburger sandwiched between two donuts to having sex with cousins (not ours). Part two gets fucked up so dig part one while you can. Booya. Ahem, I meant Yeehah! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, we're in Alabama! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week: We brought the unbelievably funny and awesome Shane Torres to help us discuss the merriest land of them all: Maryland. What can you say about Maryland besides that it has a very regrettable accent? Well, down in the Chesapeake region, when you think rats, you think DC. When you think mouth-breathing Jarheads, you think Virginia. Yo, not so faaaast billy ray! Welcome to Maryland, where all the suburban rats of DC and all the mouth-breathing jarheads from various nearby bases gather in one boring/dangerous place to conspire to hopefully ruin your day. Come for the complete lack of any semblance of culture, stay because you're stuck in a traffic jam. Also something about the Wire and crabs. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

We brought the unbelievably funny and awesome Shane Torres to help us discuss the merriest land of them all: Maryland. What can you say about Maryland besides that it has a very regrettable accent? Well, down in the Chesapeake region, when you think rats, you think DC. When you think mouth-breathing Jarheads, you think Virginia. Yo, not so faaaast billy ray! Welcome to Maryland, where all the suburban rats of DC and all the mouth-breathing jarheads from various nearby bases gather in one boring/dangerous place to conspire to hopefully ruin your day. Come for the complete lack of any semblance of culture, stay because you're stuck in a traffic jam. Also something about the Wire and crabs. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Just like when Michigan transformed from being a thriving and bustling auto making state with strong union affiliation into being a place where everyone is unemployed except your aunt who works for a pyramid scheme, and where the water pipes kill you, our podcast about Michigan also has a part two. Here it is. Help us Kid Rock! You're our only hope. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Featuring world-class visual artist Sean Nader! Remember when Michigan went out of business completely? So does Michigan. Join the likes of kid rock and that “it's so cold in the D” lady and basically everyone besides Eminem and ICP and let's talk about it. come for the highly offensive white rappers. Stay because the state's gas stations all ran out of gas. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You thought North Carolina was a pigfuckerry? Wait till you hear about South Carolina. We're joined by Justin from the mighty Susto, we do a deep dive into the hegemonic infrastructure that now plagues modern America. Just kidding. We mostly talk about our dicks. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You thought North Carolina was a pigfuckerry? Wait till you hear about South Carolina. We're joined by Justin from the mighty Susto, we do a deep dive into the hegemonic infrastructure that now plagues modern America. Just kidding. We mostly talk about our dicks. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What can you say about Iowa that you can't say about Hitler: it's mostly white, very German, and has a disproportionate influence on national policy. Also, lots of corn. We're joined by Drew Johnson to discuss the finer points of the state that's name is literally the placeholder for “a place where you don't want to go that no one gives a shit about and where people don't understand the finer things.” Let's party. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What can you say about Iowa that you can't say about Hitler: it's mostly white, very German, and has a disproportionate influence on national policy. Also, lots of corn. We're joined by Drew Johnson to discuss the finer points of the state that's name is literally the placeholder for “a place where you don't want to go that no one gives a shit about and where people don't understand the finer things.” Let's party. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

John McCain! Not celebrating Martin Luther King Day! Horrifying anti-immigration laws, which is weird because they have the best burritos (bean and cheese wrapped in the yellow paper), colleges chock full of STDs, and the home of that guy that knocked out Danzig. That's right! This week we come to Arizona and we have celebrated master chef Anthony Direnzo with us to tell us all about the weird laws surrounding the cacti. Come for the lack of daylight savings time, leave because you've been deported. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

John McCain! Not celebrating Martin Luther King Day! Horrifying anti-immigration laws, which is weird because they have the best burritos (bean and cheese wrapped in the yellow paper), colleges chock full of STDs, and the home of that guy that knocked out Danzig. That's right! This week we come to Arizona and we have celebrated master chef Anthony Direnzo with us to tell us all about the weird laws surrounding the cacti. Come for the lack of daylight savings time, leave because you've been deported. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Featuring the handsome (some would say TOOO handsome) famed producer Mike Kennerty, also of the All American Rejects, we discuss the great panhandle state: Oklahoma: It's one of the last great bastions of indigenous people in this genocidal nation, it's got a weird thing where the beer has to have almost no alcohol in it and everyone I've ever met from there is a complete reckless maniac anyway. Once I ate 3 feet of corn dog at a St Patricks day fair there. Take that, Dublin. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Featuring the handsome (some would say TOOO handsome) famed producer Mike Kennerty, also of the All American Rejects, we discuss the great panhandle state: Oklahoma: It's one of the last great bastions of indigenous people in this genocidal nation, it's got a weird thing where the beer has to have almost no alcohol in it and everyone I've ever met from there is a complete reckless maniac anyway. Once I ate 3 feet of corn dog at a St Patricks day fair there. Take that, Dublin. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Well, I'll be dipped in shit! Turns out we had some yarns to spin about our times in Tennessee and we dun fucked a few of our cousins just to keep the spirit of the culture alive. Also Elvis. But not really. Although Cory did bang one of his cousins in one of Elvis's cars (not actually one of his cousins). See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Tennessee. It's the subject of a song by Arrested Development (the hip hop group that wore bleached overalls, not the show starring Jessica Walter), and we're coming there this week to bang your cousins. We're joined by Cory Brannan, one of the greatest living artists producing true saloon music in this era, maybe the best. Come for the skinheads, stay for the other hick shit. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Featuring the mighty Kyle Kinane! When Sufjan Stevens decided to make an album about all 50 states, he really blew it because he started a little too big with our very own Illinois, home of divisive pizza, incredible hotdogs, a mirrored bean that is actually cool, lots of soybeans as well as Marti and Brendan. Then he farted his last breath and now he's just background music at pottery barn. This episode isn't about him at all but it is one of the good ones, folks. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Featuring the mighty Kyle Kinane! When Sufjan Stevens decided to make an album about all 50 states, he really blew it because he started a little too big with our very own Illinois, home of divisive pizza, incredible hotdogs, a mirrored bean that is actually cool, lots of soybeans as well as Marti and Brendan. Then he farted his last breath and now he's just background music at pottery barn. This episode isn't about him at all but it is one of the good ones folks. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Finally, we've come to Wyoming, a state as square as its only 3 residents. Turns out, the birthplace of Taco Johns is actually a pretty cool place if you can overlook all the jingoistic hicks. Joining us is the amazing Sam Russo, a real honest to god British guy, and we discuss the thrill of the lonesome vast western expanse, the weirdly progressive vibe in the laws and history, and other great tidbits about Wyoming, a place that exists. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, we're covering Wyoming! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Such a great state we only needed a guest for the second half. Come for the uh…chowder? Stay for the ice dildo porn. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Such a great state we only needed a guest for the second half. Come for the uh…chowder? Stay for the ice dildo porn See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome to Nebraska, where the men are men, the women are livestock, and apparently, there's a whole ton of weird things going on with defecation. We're joined by world-renowned comedian Zach Peterson and we discuss everything from liquor laws to unwritten laws about not being certain races in certain towns. There was probably some other good stuff in there too. That's kinda all I remember. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome to Nebraska, where the men are men, the women are livestock, and apparently, there's a whole ton of weird things going on with defecation. We're joined by world-renowned comedian Zach Peterson and we discuss everything from liquor laws to unwritten laws about not being certain races in certain towns. There was probably some other good stuff in there too. That's kinda all I remember. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It's not a road, it's not an island. It's barely a landmass but it IS the place that we got the unbelievable Nuno Pereira of the completely “holy shit, even more intensity?” band of virtuosos, A Willhelm Scream to come in and seriously flex his Massachusetts accent when necessary. No one is safe: not sound guys, not beautiful sex clubs, not gaggahs, and definitely not Nuno's friend's virginity. Tune in and come to Rhode Island with us, goddamnit. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It's not a road, it's not an island. It's barely a landmass but it IS the place that we got the unbelievable Nuno Pereira of the completely “holy shit, even more intensity?” band of virtuosos, A Willhelm Scream to come in and seriously flex his Massachusetts accent when necessary. No one is safe: not sound guys, not beautiful sex clubs, not gaggahs and definitely not Nuno's friend's virginity. Tune in and come to Rhode Island with us, goddamnit. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What has enormous (ahem) peaks, a square body, and is constantly letting stoners enter them unquestioningly? If you said that girl that's on the mattress out behind the Mexican restaurant, you clearly have forgotten about the great state of Colorado, replete with towering snowcapped majestic ranges, a preponderance of very scary heavily armed people, and a lot of really annoying stoners and the kind of drifters that wanna cut you. Come for part one, won't you? We're joined by Tim Browne of Elway and Dirty Shrines fame. I think this one is a three-parter so put on your snow pants, grab your chillum and settle in for the avalanche. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What has enormous (ahem) peaks, a square body, and is constantly letting stoners enter them unquestioningly? If you said that girl that's on the mattress out behind the Mexican restaurant, you clearly have forgotten about the great state of Colorado, replete with towering snowcapped majestic ranges, a preponderance of very scary heavily armed people, and a lot of really annoying stoners and the kind of drifters that wanna cut you. Come for part one, won't you? We're joined by Tim Browne of Elway and Dirty Shrines fame. I think this one is a three-parter so put on your snow pants, grab your chillum and settle in for the avalanche. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What does a cop in a jockstrap and breakaway pants, cheddar cheese, rampant alcoholism, an accent that makes Minnesota and Chicago sound like nice inflections by comparison, and a guy who used to keep dicks in his fridge have in common? That's right! They are all right at home in Wisconsin! We're joined by the mighty Officer Bradford of Masked Intruder for this snowmobile excursion into what makes the home of Old Style beer one of the most interesting places in all of the greater Wisconsin area. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week Marti and his humble steed dr. Beexo brave the wild swamps of Florida where the people are wasted, the syphilis and meth rage with the power of a thousand godless suns and the faces are edible. James bowman of against me lends a little much needed dignity to this sordid affair. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week Marti and his humble steed Dr. Beexo brave the wild swamps of Florida where the people are wasted, Syphilis and meth rage with the power of a thousand godless suns, and the faces are edible. James Bowman of Against Me lends a little much-needed dignity to this sordid affair. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The map of the state of Hawaii is evocative of many things, not the least of which is a splash of semen across your mom’s back, but we’re not dwelling on that. This week we’re joined by legendary musician and label owner Mike Park and we talk meth, spam, gorgeous beaches, and what it was like when someone saw someone else’s mom naked. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

We’re back with America’s mom: Tim Barry of avail! Virginia is for lovers, for dead strippers, and um…guys with weird dreadlocks. Part two is better than part one so strap in and hold onto your last few teeth. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Virginia punk rock legend Tim Barry of Avail stops hopping trains to tell us all about…well, he said he didn’t have any stories, but everything he says is a story, so strap in for round one of Virginia shenanigans. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

And like magic, Magic Mike Casey has returned to finish telling us about the only Carolina cooler than South Carolina. Come for the experiences and bbq, stay because Mike made you disappear. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Uh oh! It’s magic. To discuss our experiences in the vastly cooler of the Carolina, we enlisted magician to the stars, Mike Casey, who somehow split this episode in two with nothing up his sleeve

Just when you thought that South Dakota was boring, its sister North Dakota shows up to show you that, as much as old South Dakota doesn't wanna do mouth stuff, North Dakota doesn't even know what that means. We're joined once again by Jayson Weihs to discuss literally nothing, as per the tradition of what goes on in North Dakota.