Diary of a Widow

When I was a teenager, dating helped me determine the qualities I wanted in a man I married. I think it makes sense that it would be the same as an adult. But, "centered and balanced?" It has been five years, I still don't feel like I am quite there yet!

For any mothers like me who play both mother and father, if Mother's Day was not perfect, start planning. Father's Day will be here soon. Yes, I expect to be honored then as well.

I am grateful for My New Life!

Will someone please remind me if this happens again what the problem is?

Watching the portrayal of that pain makes me remember what it was like... and how I felt... and reminds me of pain I had forgotten I suffered.

Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails.

One of the perks of widowhood was deciding it was a great Mother's Day gift for me, and buying it.

My sweet precious little boy. Despite his mother's craziness, he still has confidence in me.

Did I mention I really want to go see a show? With my friend? Like an adult, who does something refined.

"Why on television is it always the moms that die... but my dad died?""

Thanks to my snowplow fairy, I have been able to survive another winter with minimal shoveling.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow Think of everything you hate to do and sign up for any memberships that will get you out of doing it! i.e. AAA = no changing flat tires, no worries if you run out of gas, and someone else can come to jump your battery.

Crying... I just sat there crying. And I vowed to take better care of myself this year.

I am not so smooth in these situations...

"Mom, I talked to dad. He said I could have it, but you will have to pay for it."

It is because I am widowed that every day my life is crazy, because once upon a time, there was someone who kept me balanced and sane.

I am not a very structured person in some areas. So, to be told the exact date and time that my garbage had to be on the curb, I found it highly inconvenient!

I have never been one to shy away from any type of media that addresses death. I embrace it. I think it is healing for the kids to be able to read or watch how another child handles the same trial they have been given. Isn't there something about feeling validated? That is in part why I speak this open diary, for all the widows out there who go through some of the same insanity, so they can be validated. Kids need that too. And books and movies are a great source. They also allow us to engage in some seriously healing conversations.

I knew I wasn't giving him back. He was as crazy and wild as the rest of us and he belonged right here with us.

As a widow, I miss my marriage. I miss the physical and emotional support my husband was to me. And this is in addition to missing the man. I guess for me the way I try to make up for this is to try and provide opportunities for others to go out to have regular date nights. Call me, I will babysit. Drop the kids off. It really does bring me joy to know I may be helping another couple fall more in love. Enable another couple to have the opportunity to enjoy each other. Time is precious. Don't waste it.

As I look back over the past five years and look at the outcomes of difficult decisions, I am grateful. Grateful that this has not been a journey I have walked alone. Grateful to my Savior for leading me, guiding me, and walking by me.

We are engaged in an important work and we need to be at work accomplishing those things of importance.

Do I show pure love to others? I need it from my Savior, but do I in turn show it to others, including my oldest son? Complete acceptance for who they are, despite what their shortcomings may be.

My daughter is blessed with her dad's voice.

I am grateful I have them to force me to celebrate the holidays!

My Savior. My Redeemer.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow Be confident in being you. Because now you are not defined by the couple that you are, but only by you and who you are.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow Realize that as much as you want a friend, you may not ever find a friend of the male assortment. Can men and women really be just friends?

Dallin Oaks was raised by a widowed mother who used her faith and his parents' temple marriage to make his departed father a daily presence in his life.

It took me years to be able to sing certain hymns in church without crying. Some days I still do. This is one of my new-found favorites. I feel the words when I sing them.

He was embarrassed, as as he had in the last couple of years when things were too much for him to deal with, he curled up in a ball and shut the world out.

There have been so many times in my life that I have found myself feeling so deeply the words portrayed in this hymn. In those moments, just as deeply, I have found the answer.

The errand of angels. Do they recognize the stress they relieve when they reach out in such significant ways?

I was stunned. She is the responsible one... I still don't have it together!

Being ready to date has not been an issue in the past, but being ready to date someone like my husband is a whole other issue. That is something I don't know if I could date.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow Accept the fact early on that you aren't going to be as effective playing mom and dad as you were when you were just playing mom. Things will happen.

Will they remember me as someone who was different when their dad was here than I was when he was gone? And will that difference be good or bad?

I don't know if I have the patience life demands for me to be a good mother. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow Be patient with the development of patience. It will come. Have faith in your own unseen potential.

Sitting in a living room, with a full stomach from a delicious casserole and the best brownies ever, those moments were a gift that I will never forget! Tina, Kathy, and Linda amazing in their small acts of service to me.

I began to realize that within so many of us is something, something for which an anniversary comes and goes or a terrible burden they are facing daily while the world goes on like it is a normal day.

Yes, we were discovering a few of the perks to widowhood.

I want to use that perspective in facing my own trials. If I am faithful, my story will also end with a cry of thanksgiving.

"We just keep losing members of our family. First Dad, now my brother. It doesn't even feel like our family anymore." It broke my heart.

I just had to breathe deep and go by faith. I just had to be grateful for family that was there when I needed them most.

He curled up like a small child and cried. I cried too.

It felt as though life was spiraling. How do you personally have time to worry about anything other than surviving when your children are consuming your every thought? When the fear that what you feared the most seems to be exactly what is happening or at least your child is opening the door for it to happen. How do you make it all stop?

Life was not so simple when you were dating a widow with three children. A widow, I might add, that was losing control!

Some things are too much information for others.

How do you react to Graffiti... in your garage?

I was grateful to my Father in Heaven, for his divine intervention in giving me the nurse practitioner that day, not the doctor. For the nurse, that I had never met before, who cared enough to ask how the kids and I were doing. For a doctor, who cared, and for my son being open to healing. We had made a step in the right direction.