Horatio and the Story of the Manor

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script:  Episode 1 - Prologue Yorkshire is a magical place. But that said, it's not always good magic – although usually, it is. However, very occasionally, it's downright nasty! More enchantment and entrapment than puppy dogs and ponies! Take for example a little piece of North Yorkshire, probably somewhere in the North York Moors, but more hidden than elsewhere. And when I say hidden, what I really mean is locked away - isolated. This area is so enchanted that the people inside, the ones who were there when it got locked away and isolated – aren't able to leave. In fact, they can't even remember why they were isolated - or anything from before that isolation. When they do try and leave, when they go to the invisible boundary between this place and the rest of the world, instead of leaving - they find themselves coming back into some other part of their locked away land. (Laugh) Interestingly, when they try and go - and regardless of where they leave from, they always come back to the same fixed point – which can actually be quiet helpful depending on where that point is. I mean, for some people it can be a quick way home. All they need to do is walk to the nearest boundary, and no matter where that boundary is, they end up back in their village or even their own homes! But for others, it can be a little awkward. Pity the poor soul who accidentally leaves only to find themselves entering a busy pig-pen! Cruelly, visitors from outside, people who weren't inside when the isolation happened, come and go at will. But, because of the enchantment, or whatever it is - once those visitors leave, they don't remember details. All they know is that they went somewhere and came back again – and have no desire to remember anything else.   Inside this locked away and enchanted part of Yorkshire there's a Manor and three villages. No-one can remember the original names of the villages, as that seems to have been lost when the enchantment arrived. So, for now, they're known by what happens to the villages and the villagers at the stroke of midnight on a full moon. (P) In all honesty, it starts getting really bad on the day that the full moon's going to happen and tends to last until the morning after. It's just hit's it peak (or trough depending on how you look at it) at midnight on the night of full moon.   OK, so the first village is known as Rott. This is because the people (and the village itself) literally rot to pretty much nothing on the night of the full moon. That said, by sunrise, the next morning, the village and the villagers are kind of back to normal. So, it doesn't last. Although it can make for some fascinating discussions and experiences around the night of full moon! The next village is called Grott - because those villagers turn into a slimy, grotty mucus-like substance. And the third village is called Snott. Not because they turn into a mucus-like substance – they don't. Instead, they shrink, and with that shrinkage tends to come an attitude – so pretty quickly they got known as ‘Little Snotts' - and the name ‘Snott' stuck. The Manor – or Manor Rott, Grott & Snott – to give it its present title. Is lived in by the Baron. You may as well go on a hunt for snails teeth than look for someone who appears more evil, nasty and wicked than the Baron. Some think they can even see the evil coming off him in a vapour! But just one look at him and you KNOW he's the personification of wickedness.   Somehow, there're still servants working at the Manor, but nowadays there're only 2 – which is suspicious! I mean, it's quite a large Manor, so where did all the other servants go? How's all the work done? And, why did these 2 stay? Of those remaining servants, the oldest is the butler and known as Thornton. He is extraordinarily deaf (when it suits him) and not known for doing … well … anything really. In fact, as far Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 2 - The Malevolent Darkness  The Manor was always a little strange. Beautiful as it was - a Tudor manor house set in the idyllic scenery of the North Yorks Moors, it was still considered by anyone who knew it as a place to be avoided. At the start, it was little more than a feeling, a sense that something wasn't quite right. But then, as time pasted, that sense of things not being right developed into a sure knowledge that something was wrong. Something in or maybe with the Manor just wasn't right. Quite how long this feeling lasted, I have no idea, that's lost in the annals of time. Yet, I do know how it started to show itself - because you can't hide darkness in your inner being. If there is darkness inside, as sure as eggs is eggs, it's going to come out. And, that's precisely what happened in the Manor. Maybe it's a little unfair to blame the Manor itself as in all probability, it wasn't the Manor so much as something coming to live in the Manor that brought that feeling of unease. Yet, as time past, the sense of it being something other than the Manor faded, until it felt like it was the Manor – as if whatever it was that caused all these problems had become one with the Manor. Where the darkness arrived from and how it came to live in the Manor are stories for another time. But, for this story, it's enough to know that the darkness lived in the Manor and to all intense and purposes - it was the Manor. As the darkness grew and began to be absorbed into the very fabric of the building, it started to show itself as small things changed. (P) Items that belonged in one place would turn up in another, and it wasn't just little things. In time, whole rooms would relocate to different parts of the Manor. Then, the Manor itself started to change. Once, it had been beautiful to look at, and no doubt - generations of the wealthy and privileged had basked in the glory of the Manor, its rooms, its gardens and its opulence. Until that is, that beauty started to fade. For, as I said before, you can't hide what's inside. Because, it seemed, there was darkness in the very bones of the Manor - as over time it transformed from a beautiful country house into a particularly nasty and creepy little castle. A castle that was always changing, always transforming and never at rest. After all, isn't it said that there's no rest for the wicked? Of course, the people who owned, lived and worked in the Manor didn't miss out on the effects of the darkness. As soon as they realised what was happening, they tried to sell the place, and at one point they even wanted to abandon it. But, the family who lived there – the Briggswath's – were unable to leave. Every attempt to sell fell through, financial problems ensured they stayed to try and work the land. But when they almost gave up and decided to abandon the place, somehow it knew. Every way they went ended up returning them to the same place because the Manor wouldn't let them go. Then, as well as the Manor and the things inside it changing, the people and their pets also started to be affected. The Briggswath's had been a beautiful family, the daughters quickly married and sons longed for by others from far and wide – until they weren't. Beauty turned around, packed up its bags and left, leaving each successive generation more affected by the darkness. Even their pets were affected, and none more than their beloved border terriers. The Briggswath's had kept border terriers since before they were kennel club registered, and although they were working dogs, it didn't take long for them to work their way into the hearts of the Briggwath's and so become family pets. At first, the border terriers had become harder to groom. Their features became a little more extreme with each new generation, even when fresh blood was brought in from outside. Yet they were still dearly loved - with a bond... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English Episode 3 - Horatio Arrives One of the dogs Winefry had noticed, a female border terrier called Flannel had got fatter over recent weeks. As he waited and watched that evening in the kitchen, he saw her lie down in her basket - as her partner, the male border, Spanner, watched and waited with her. But tonight was not to be a typical night. The dark rats seemed to know something was happening, something Winefry knew nothing about. There was an excitement about them as they waited in their holes and behind the walls and cupboards. The cat, Scragg, came and went. There was no animosity between the borders and Scragg as they'd grown up together and considered themselves family. Winefry noted that Scragg seemed on edge, coming and going, waiting and watching, sniffing and chasing - anything she thought might be a rat - or rat-related. Then, as Scragg left the room, a noise from the hall caught the bottles attention and the attention of Spanner who lifted his head and walked to the door to look. Spanner seemed unwilling to leave Flannel for some reason. Scragg was nowhere to be seen. What happened next left Winefry shocked - he had never seen anything like it before. Suddenly, the room filled with rats which split into two distinct groups. One group moved around Spanner by the door, while the other group headed for Flannel who, for some reason, seemed to be unable to do anything except pant and look uncomfortable. In a flash, Spanner attacked the rats around him as the other rats moved towards Flannel intent on taking from her something Winefry could never have imagined. For from Flannel, the most amazing thing Winefry had ever seen was coming, a tiny version of herself and Spanner, a miniature and apparently completely helpless dog. The rats wanted the miniature dog, to rip it to pieces and eat it. Winefry didn't think, he reacted. He was a creature of the darkness, the darkness had given him life. But, he was also a creature of light. He was a creature of the moon. The same cold wolf moon that beamed through the windows this very night, revealing a scene before him of Spanner fighting for his life, and the other rats bounding towards Flannel and her helpful miniature dog. Winefry found himself zipping through the air - as his long, powerful legs thrust him towards the helpless Flannel who could do little more than growl and snap at the approaching rats. The sharpened poker was in Winefry's hand. Then it was through the back and heart of the largest of all the dark rats attacking Flannel, the one that was about to snatch the miniature dog, intent on ripping it apart. At Winefry's unexpected intervention, the other rats paused, unsure what had happened or how to react. They had assumed the wine bottle would keep out of it like it had for the last year. They had also thought that it was like them, a creature of the darkness – but now they realised they were very wrong, that this thing was dangerous. That moment's pause gave Winefry all the time he needed to pass between the rest of the rats as he pulled his weapon out of the dead rat and let its body slumped to the floor. Then, he stood in front of a rather shocked Flannel who had never even noticed the wine bottle before. The bloody battle of the other rats and spanner continued. Spanner was holding his own for now, there were dead rats around him, but he was bleeding quite badly and could not help. That had always been the dark rats plan, to distract and detain Spanner, while they stole the miniature dog from a seemingly helpless Flannel. No one could have predicted the intervention of Winefry. And, if it hadn't been for him, the miniature dog would already be dead – ripped to pieces and food for the rats. The moments' shock passed, and the rats around Flannel, fuelled by a new rage at the thwarting on their plans, attacked again, determined to get their prize. Winefry's poker sword,... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English Script: Episode 4 - Winefry the Exterminator To his surprise, Winefry found he had to start his role as an exterminator of dark rodents almost at once. For no sooner had he left that place and passed through hidden passageways in the Manor than he came across a most unusual situation. Scragg, the ginger cat, was cornered but three huge dark rats and had obviously been in a furious fight as another rat lay dead close by. Scragg was bleeding quite badly from a wound in her side. The three rats were about to move in for the kill as Winefry walked around the corner. The battle that ensued was fierce, fast and decisive. In a flash, Winefry's poker was out which gave Scragg just enough time to react and jump out of the way of yet another rat that had been hiding close by. Winefry's poker sword despatched 2 rats in quick succession before the third and the fourth one which had been hiding, had time to react. Then one of the remaining rats leapt on Winefry, while Scragg turned on the rat that had been hiding. The rat that landed on Winefry pulled him down hard to the stone floor with a deafening clatter. But this time, instead of a cracking sensation, Winefry simply bounced, rolled and whipped himself back to his feet and thrust his poker sword deep into the attacking dark rat. As he did this, Scragg furiously tore at the last villain, forcing it to a standstill and making it raise its claws to protect itself. Helpless and unable to see because of the intensity of Scragg's attack, the doomed rat was easy pickings for Scragg who moved forward and used her mouth to finish off the assailant once and for all. With that done, both Winefry and Scragg spun to face each other, unsure of motivation and intention of the other. Scragg had her claws out and was covered in blood, some her own but most from her attackers. Winefry had his poker sword raised, ready to fight. For a long moment, unmoving except for heavy breathing, the two of them stood facing each other. They stayed like that, unsure what to do until the last dark rat Winefry had run through with his poker sword, mumbled slightly, and Scragg's hair stood even more on end. In a flash, Winefry's sword swooshed and the rats head bounded across the floor, landing at Scragg's feet. Then, reasoning that as they were both attacking the rats, they were both probably on the same side, Winefry shrugged his shoulders. Then, raising his poker sword in front of his face, he saluted the cat, bowed from the hips, turned and walked off. Scragg watched the strange bottle warrior leave with a puzzled expression on her face. But after a few moments, she also shrugged slightly, picked up the head of the rat and made her way back to the kitchen where much fuss was made of her by everyone. Not quite as much fuss as was made being of the puppy Horatio. But almost - and Scragg could live with that.    So, in the months that followed, the brave Winefry continued to vanquish dark rats all through the Manor. Sometimes he worked alone, and sometimes he was helped by Flannel, Spanner and later by Horatio – who seemed to be a little different from the others – especially around full moon. Although mostly he worked with Scragg, developing a slow, grudging friendship and respect for each other, as the two of them whittled down the numbers of their implacable enemies. However, it was the very last battle of the remaining giant and extremely vicious dark rats that set the scene for Winefry and Scragg's next adventure.   The battle took place in the cellar and was a terrible affair. All the remaining dark rats had decided to band together to make one last, make or break stand against their enemy Winefry. The remaining rats chose to attack as a group, to defeat the wine bottle and, if possible, bring an end to his rule of tyranny. Well, that's the way they saw it. Winefry saw it in quite another way. He saw himself... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 5 - The Escape. There had been many battles inside the Manor and around its grounds since Winefry had awoken. It seemed that even though the darkness had awoken the brave bottle, they had become enemies, with the bottle fighting against anything and everything that seemed to get worse with the darkness. Of course, the battles had been even more intense on the nights of a full moon, and especially during the midnight hour. Yet it seemed that even though the evil grew more influential during that time, so did the power and skill of Winefry, to the point that no matter what foe he faced he was always victorious. Until all the known enemies were vanquished. This was that night when the last enemy fell. And, as they looked upon the bodies of their enemies, the wounded Winefry and Scragg made a decision that would turn the lives of everyone upside-down. They decided that they were going to leave the Manor and its' grounds to find adventure elsewhere. For some reason, they thought their work in the Manor was done – for now - , and they felt strangely compelled to go and strangely compelled to seek out new adventures. Where this compulsion came from, they didn't know, but they could not ignore it. It was as if a voice was calling them and they had to answer. When the decision was made, the two of them collected what little they had, packed it in bags that they roped to their backs and started to head out of the Manor. But the Manor knew. As they turned into a hallway to go one way, the corridor went another. They entered one room and came out further away from the exit than when they started. I don't think they would ever have left if it wasn't for Horatio and the border terriers Flannel and Spanner. For tonight, for some inexplicable reason, they seemed to have grown a very high distain for Scragg! Typically, when dogs and cats grow up together, they tend to get on quite well – and – usually, that was the case here. It certainly was for Flannel, Spanner and Scragg. However, the night Winefry and Scragg decided to leave was the night of a cold and wintery full moon. Not just any full moon, this was once again a wolf moon. Of all the full moons, the one the border terriers felt more than any other was the wolf moon. And Horatio, who was born exactly one year before, felt it most of all. As Winefry and Scragg went from room to room, so the time ticked away, getting closer and closer to midnight. As midnight approached, so the dogs started to change. No longer were they the lovable, adorable, fluffy terriers everyone knew, these animals were larger and wilder. Their eyes began to glow slightly green, and they could smell Scragg! Approaching one door, a whine-come-howl erupted from just behind, forcing the bottle and Scragg to change direction at the last moment and exit through a doorway that hadn't been their moments before. Again and again, the hapless pair were forced to change course by the approach of the border terrors. And, at each last moments change, somehow Winefry and Scragg found themselves closer to the exit of the Manor. Until as they approached the last door, the border terrors appeared as if from nowhere forcing them to make a dash for it and race for the kitchen. The border terrors tore after the bottle and the cat. And, if they had had time to observe it, they would have seen the shadows of the border terrors being left behind, just momentarily, as the monsters they had become chased down their prey. At the last moment, Winefry and Scragg charged into the kitchen only to find that somehow one of the terrors had made it there before them. It was standing between them, the boot room and the open back door. The border terror raised its head to howl at the wolf moon, and as it did, so Winefry and Scragg charged as fast as they could towards the terror. As they arrived and the terror (who was Horatio, but far more... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 6 - Everything Changes. So started the change of the Manor and the isolation of everyone inside the Manor and the three little villages around. So also started the expansion and influence of the darkness, but much more subtly than before – the explosion of the lady of light had seen to that! Very soon, the people realised they were trapped, and no one knew why or how it happened. No one in the Manor or any of the villages could leave. They could go beyond the villages to their fields and work, but no further. If they tried, they found themselves coming back into the locked-off area at some set point which was different for each of them.  However, everyone who lived and worked in the Manor itself always found themselves coming back into the Manor, usually through the back-door, heading into the boot-room. This was especially disconcerting for the dogs. One moment they would be merrily chasing a rabbit or a squirrel. Then, having inadvertently crossed the invisible barrier, they found themselves heading full-pelt into the Manor with no sign of their prey. Strangely, there was one anomaly to the whole locked-off thing which surprised everyone when it first happened. This was the ability for outsiders to come and go as they pleased. Of course, once they arrived, they never stayed. And, once they left, they never remembered what had happened and where they'd been – but it did mean that at times visitors came and added a little more interest to the locked off lives of the people. At the start, when they realised they were trapped, everyone was angry and blamed the Baron. What they didn't realise was that because the area was locked off, not only couldn't the people leave - but the dangerous darkness that was the real source of everything that was happening – was also trapped inside, trapped and furious. The problem with this was that the darkness was still expanding and growing and slowly but surely filling the area it was trapped inside. Before, it had grown and leaked out of the Manor and dissipated beyond the villages, but not now. Now, it was trapped, filling the Manor and the villages and everywhere inside.   The problems started quite soon after that. In no time at all, in fact, rather too quickly, people began to forget. They didn't forget their names, or where they lived, but they did forget things like the name of their villages or what life had been like before whatever it was that had locked them away. They remembered something had happened, but just not what it was. It was the same in the Manor, the servants sometimes came to work and sometimes forgot they worked at the Manor at all. Although the main problem was that most of them forgot where they came from, and so where to go when they finished work. They ended up staying in the Manor. Thankfully, there were lots of rooms, so they were able to stay, and before long didn't know anything else. In fact, very soon it felt as if that was where they had always lived and belonged. The Baron and his wife and their son Archibald were also severely affected along with the Baron's sister, Lady Pinchinthorpe, who lived with them in the Manor. To put it simply, they started to forget, forget where they came from, who their ancestors were, why they lived in the Manor. But the darkness was especially hard on the family, as well as taking their memories, it continued to take a massive toll on their looks and their happiness. Of the families, both dog and humans, Archibald and Horatio were especially close although the darkness still took its toll. Already extremely ugly and evil-looking because of the effects of the darkness on their family before they were locked away, Archibald's body started to change. As the years rolled on, his features became more pointed and ugly. His eyebrows met in the middle, and his teeth grew sharp and pointed. After a... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 7 - The Outsider ‘Wretched gargoyles!' Thornton looked at the irate Baron with a blank expression because he knew there wasn't anything they could do about them. ‘Yes sir,' he replied while slowly turning his back on the Baron. ‘Like so many other things in this place, they are a real nuisance.' ‘I mean … I know I keep saying it,' the Baron continued, not realising he was being progressively ignored by Thornton, ‘but a Manor the size of Manor Rott, Grott & Snott shouldn't even have gargoyles! They're from a bygone age! And have you seen the size of them? They're about two or three times the size of any other gargoyle I've ever seen!' Wagging his finger vaguely in the direction of the roof, he half turned to address the fast disappearing back of Thornton. ‘Maybe if we could work out where the wretched things came from, we could somehow convince them to go back?' Thornton didn't bother replying as this was a conversation that had rehearsed many times. He did note, however, that the word of the moment continued to be 'wretched' and hid a slight smile as the Baron looked up at the various gargoyles, solid as stone, but in the strangest places all around the roof and on the walls of the Manor, while mumbling 'wretched things' over and over to himself. As the Baron stood staring at the gargoyles (which was about the worst thing you could do with them because they never moved or showed any sign of life when someone was looking at them), a van appeared, driving through the gates of the Manor. Neither the Baron nor Thornton acknowledged it as they knew it wouldn't be for them. = Roseberry was always flustered when the doorbell rang. It wasn't so much being disturbed, although it seemed she was always about as far away from the door as possible when the bell rang, as the surprise it rang at all! As she bustled her way towards the front door, she came into the grand entrance hall and made a point of ignoring the over-large moose head on the wall above the mirror. It also seemed to be ignoring her as it chewed on something unseen with its attention fixed on a couple of flies rotating in different directions under a huge chandelier. Hurrying through the hall, Roseberry tried to remember the last time anyone had rang any of the bells to the Manor. It had been a long time. As she reached the front door and pulled it hard a couple of times to overcome its reluctance to open (it had a habit of sticking when it rained), she heard footsteps outside walking away. 'Hold on, will you!' she shouted rather loudly through the door. 'I can't get this wretched thing open. Can you give it a shove from your side?' As she shouted, Roseberry heard the footsteps halt and then return to the door, followed by a gentle but ineffective shove. 'You'll need to shove harder than that!' she exclaimed. The person outside gave a quick, decisive shove and Roseberry saw a blinding white light and lots of stars. 'Oh, ‘eck!' said a voice. 'I'm so sorry.' It carried on apologising, as Roseberry felt strong arms grab hold of her and pull her firmly but gently into a sitting position. 'Could 'ave sworn you said to give it a good shove. I 'ad no idea you'd be right behind it!' A few minutes later, Roseberry was sitting by the kitchen table nursing a reasonably bold lump while a rather anxious man moved smoothly around searching for teabags, pot and mugs. (If he had known Roseberry's attitude towards mugs, he'd have been looking for teacups.) As the kettle boiled, it made some rather worrying noises, squealed and squeaked and eventually came to the boil while the man watched, looking somewhat concerned. A couple of minutes later, after picking up the mug of hot, strong tea and taking a sip, Roseberry took a long, deep breath and turned to give the stranger her full attention. She ignored the moose head which seemed to have made its way Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 8 - The Ghost Roseberry was neither young nor slender and always frustrated at her lack of speed when it came to dealing with Horatio Fleming McNaughtie and the havoc he caused. Of course, the vacuum cleaner turning up ‘who knew where?' each day only added to the frustration! As soon as the howl of the vacuum started, the whole Manor reverberated with the resonant growling and barking of the enraged Horatio. Of course, Horatio didn't see it that way. As far as he was concerned, he was a hero! When the evil villain 'attacked', he was ready to defend the Manor, the people in the Manor and, of course, the one he loved more than anyone else, his master, the Baron. As he hurtled after the evil menace, intent on vanquishing his foe, he could always be sure of his master's encouraging shouts behind him, supporting and egging him on in his noble quest. Well, at least, that's the way he saw it and I doubt very much that anything could ‘ve change his opinion on the subject. In reality, the Baron just wanted to protect Horatio and calm the animal down. He chased after him as fast as he could (which wasn't very fast due to a short left leg, club foot, built-up shoe and slightly hunched back), all the while shouting ineffectively at Horatio to stop, in the vain hope that somehow this would limit the inevitable carnage. It never did. The end was always the same, with bits of vacuum cleaner flung all around and Horatio sitting gnawing at some component or other. To be honest, the Baron was relieved that Horatio hadn't electrocuted himself. He was ugly enough for a border terrier without the additional burns and loss of fur/eyes/teeth/limbs and even life that electrocution could cause! However, today didn't quite go as it usually did. For one thing, Roseberry Topping, the housekeeper of Manor Rott, Grott & Snott, happened to turn into the corridor Horatio and the Baron were chasing down and found them hurtling towards her. Horatio had a healthy respect for Roseberry. So, rather than trying to dash past her and risk being grabbed by the collar, he took a sudden right turn and bolted off down another corridor (which probably hadn't been there moments before), in an attempt to get to the offending enemy another way. As for the Baron, his relief at Horatio's destructive charge being temporarily foiled was short-lived when he realised that, by chasing him as fast as he could, now he was confronted by the unexpected obstacle of an angry Roseberry completely blocking the corridor. This could be a problem. It was! With his various issues, he simply wasn't able to slow down fast enough to avoid a collision and the two of them tumbled sideways into a room just in front of the vacuum cleaner as it vacuumed the carpet, apparently all on its own. Moments later, Horatio bounded in at the far end of the room, his beady, uneven eyes seemed somehow larger than usual and, maybe it was a trick of the light, but they seemed to glow green! As they watched, his mouth appeared to get bigger and his overgrown lower jaw elongated. His yellowing teeth and fangs grew more vicious as he pounded towards … well ... surely it must have been the vacuum cleaner? Yet it felt very much like he was pounding towards them. Always a scruffy, tufty border terrier (even after he'd been hand stripped to keep his fur under control), now his coat resembled a lion's mane. From their angle, tangled on the floor, both Roseberry and the Baron thought how big he seemed, getting bigger with each bound until he leapt, with madness in his eyes, intent on destruction. = Eller Beck was having a terrible day, like usual. She'd spent the morning so far trying to get a spider to notice her and to see if she could manage to tap its web. She hadn't and, after a few choice words, she'd wandered off into the Manor to wait for the morning show. At 11:05 every day the... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 9 - Into the Attic Roseberry had seen it coming for days and had nagged the Baron relentlessly to replace it, but this time something told her that the kettle really was on its way out. So, wisely, she stood outside the kitchen, muttering to herself about the Baron's reluctance to spend money, as the kettle boiled, getting louder and louder. When it happened, it was worse than expected. There was an almighty bang, then a sloshing sound as boiling water drenched the whole kitchen. This was followed by a loud boom as all the electrics in the whole of the Manor shorted out. As the lightbulb above her head (and all the lightbulbs in the corridor) spluttered and then shattered, merrily sprinkling hot glass everywhere, a third explosion erupted as Roseberry screamed, ‘Archibald Ruswarp Briggswath! Come here right now!' = Eller was having a VERY good day! = The Baron, who was still examining the contents of the cupboard, groaned as he heard the screaming. The shadows jumped and rushed off, not wanting to miss the excitement. Slipping the third object into one of his many pockets, he turned to leave the room. When he reached the doorway, he paused to look back at the cupboard, wondering if it would still be there on his return. He got his answer straight away; it had already gone, along with all those wonderful knick-knacks he'd left on top. In a slight panic, he fumbled in his cloak to make sure the new items hadn't vanished with the cupboard, breathing a sigh of relief as he felt them bulging through his pockets. Once reassured, he reluctantly headed off to confront the emergency! = It took a long time to calm Roseberry down, and even longer to clear up the mess without a working vacuum cleaner. There was another, much older and sturdier, upright vacuum cleaner in the attic, but the Baron didn't like going to the attic and he didn't have any good memories of that particular vacuum cleaner – it was a beast. And, having been a beast and now having been abandoned in the attic, with the gargoyles clattering overhead and who knew what else living up there, he was more than happy to clean up by hand. Had he left the mess, he knew that tomorrow everything would have reset. However, he didn't want to risk Horatio cutting his paws on the broken glass. Thankfully, Horatio seemed happy gnawing the vacuum cleaner parts and hadn't come to investigate; he really was a weird dog. = Once all the cleaning was done and Roseberry had recovered her composure, she turned to the Baron. ‘Either you go and buy me a new kettle right now, or you're going to have to go up into the attic and get the old boiler back down.' The Baron felt a chill creep down his spine when Roseberry talked about the old boiler. It wasn't just that, to get it down, he'd have to take a trip to the attic, it was also how terrible that old boiler had been. It had behaved so badly that he'd bought Roseberry the rather cheap kettle that had just exploded as a replacement. So, now he was in a quandary. Did he spend more money (he shivered at the very thought) buying yet another kettle or did he go to the attic to retrieve the old boiler that made fantastical noises, vibrated like it was alive and, although he didn't like to admit it, scared him with its strange behaviour? Well, given that choice, and because they needed a cup of tea to recover from all the cleaning, not ten minutes later, as Thornton went to the cellar to collect replacement lightbulbs and reset the circuit breaker, the Baron made his way up to the attic entrance and waited for the lights to flicker back to life. In spite of some of the rooms and corridors having moved, he found his way to the attic entrance quite quickly. It seemed that, when he didn't want to go somewhere, the Manor knew and made it easy for him to get there! As he waited on the landing for the lights to come back Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English Episode 10 - Of Gargoyles and Boilers. The noise of hooves on slate was deafening. No one knew why the Manor had gargoyles or how many there were. None of the original plans for the Manor showed any gargoyles and, now they'd arrived, they moved around so often no one could count them. The Baron had sent Thornton out a few times in an attempt to do so but, as soon as he'd totted up one side of the Manor and moved to another, the ones he'd already counted had got distracted and gone elsewhere. So, after a few attempts, he'd given up. The increased noise on the roof and all over the Manor since the removal of the old water boiler from the attic, however, indicated that there were far more gargoyles that anyone had imagined. Quite why moving the old boiler from the attic should have this effect, no one knew. As the Baron lugged the heavy old piece of equipment into the boot room to give it a jolly good clean before passing it on to Roseberry (he didn't like the idea of boiling water in a space where a stuffed ferret had lived), the noise slowly died down to usual levels, with only the occasional clattering of hooves. In a similar way to the shadows, the gargoyles hadn't ever been dangerous, so the Baron wasn't too worried about them. But, while it could be disconcerting to have lots of unattached shadows suddenly appearing and looking over your shoulder, they were silent. In contrast, the gargoyles were not! While the Baron scrubbed at the inside of the boiler with various shadows pausing to look at what he was doing, he thought about how the gargoyles had changed over the last few months. Before, they had been relatively quiet and hadn't seemed to move around too much and, when they had, it had tended to be reasonably silent. But, about six weeks ago, that had started to change and they'd all noticed the increased noise of hooves on the roof. In fact, Thornton had got so fed up with it that he'd gone through all the effort of moving his bedroom down a floor so he couldn't hear them on the roof at night. That was an indication that the Baron should have taken more notice. For Thornton to voluntarily do any manual labour proved beyond a doubt that this was a serious problem. Thornton didn't actually say a great deal, being a man who kept his own counsel, except when he spoke to himself and his hearing aid batteries were running low. When that happened, he tended to speak rather too loudly and, the lower the batteries got, the louder he ‘whispered' and ‘muttered'. Listening to him could be anything from amusing to embarrassing and occasionally downright distressing. But, at the slightest mention of gargoyles, he tended to walk off, turn off his hearing aids and start muttering… loudly. He muttered to himself even more these days as it seemed that, no sooner had he relocated his bedroom, than the gargoyles had started exploring the whole exterior of the Manor. While no one actually said anything, the worry was that they might one day venture inside the Manor. In fact, once or twice, they had been spotted very close to both the back and front doors. The back door was the biggest concern as it was the main door everyone used and so got left ajar or open. Only the other week, Roseberry had seen one sitting on the wall right above the back door. Being Roseberry, she'd questioned its motives, loudly, to the Baron - for several days! The front door was less of a worry as it hardly ever got used and, as Roseberry had found out to her cost, it swelled in damp weather. It was getting to the point where it might not open at all - so an invasion into the front of the Manor was pretty low risk. Horatio didn't have an opinion on the gargoyle issue. When he heard them on the roof, he sometimes gave a muted 'woof' but, overall, he tended to ignore them. And, when they were foolish enough to get to ground level, you could be absolutely sure that Horatio... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 11 - Snott As the Baron made his way out of the Manor and along one of the many pathways through the forest to the village of Snott, a bundle of soggy vacuum cleaner components in his cape, he had two companions. The one he knew about was Horatio Fleming McNaughtie – the cause of the carnage he now carried in the hope of repair. The other, unseen and unnoticed, was Eller Beck. She was following the Baron because the most momentous event she could recall had happened only recently and she wanted to have it (or something similar) happen again. It had happened when Horatio had passed through her. So, even though she loathed the pooch, she didn't really want to be away from him in case there was the slightest chance she could feel something more. As they walked through the forest, Eller put herself in Horatio's way time and time again, but nothing happened. Well, nothing she noticed. There were a few moments when she felt that maybe the dog had seen her but, every time she thought that was the case, Horatio simply ran over to a post, a rock, a tree or just a patch of grass to have a sniff and a wee. Reaching the divide in the main pathway that led to the three separate villages, Eller followed as the Baron took the right-hand fork, heading for Snott. Usually, Eller tried to avoid looking at the Baron because he looked so… evil. When he tried to smile, people sometimes ran away and children ALWAYS cried. As she trailed behind the man and his dog, having given up trying to make Horatio pass through her, Eller noticed the Baron's back for the first time. Sure, it was a little hunched and never really straight but, as they paused momentarily at the turn in the pathway, she noticed the Baron take a deep breath and, if anything, his shoulders hung lower. Did the Baron hate going to the villages too she wondered? She did what had become second nature, because no one ever heard her, and started to voice her thoughts out loud. Looking at the Baron, she asked, 'Do you find it hard to come to the villages as well?' No reply.  Eller looked at his profile. But this time, she didn't just glance at him as she usually did, she looked at him properly, trying to hold back her natural reaction to retch. Then, moving a little ahead of him and walking backwards, she looked directly at his face. His sharp features dominated his face, along with his somewhat over-large set of teeth, all a little too pointed for comfort. His mono-brow almost seemed to have a mind of its own. But then, as she continued to stare, a look of revulsion on her own face, she caught sight of his eyes. Without thinking, she found herself talking to him. 'Why haven't I ever looked at your eyes?' Then, carrying on, without expecting a reply, 'They're so dark, almost black and yet I can still make out your pupils. What is it I see? Is it weariness? Are you tired? It's so hard to tell with that pale skin of yours. No, I think it's something else.' As they carried on walking, they began to enter the village. It was heading towards full moon, so the enchantment was starting to have a strong grip on the villages and their occupants. She saw the Baron's eyes dart from one tiny Snott to another. Soon they would be so small that they'd pretty much disappear. Then, Eller realised what it was she saw in those darting, dark eyes. The Baron was sad, sad for the little Snotts, some of whom had shrunk so much that, if the village hadn't also shrunk with them, it would have taken them a long time to return to their homes.  Several times the Baron hesitated close to a mother and her child as if trying to work out what to do. The young girl was crying, and the mother looked tired.  'It couldn't be?' Eller found herself asking. 'Is it possible you're feeling sorry for them? That you actually want to help?' The words, once out of her mouth, seemed... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 12 - DANGER! As Horatio Fleming McNaughtie, the Border Terror, swept from the Manor, the Baron's voice echoing behind him into the emptiness, Eller jumped as an unearthly howl made the windows rattle. Even the shadows, growing in the ever-increasing darkness, seemed to shift uncomfortably as if moved by a passing car headlight when no such light shone. Then the Baron had started to claw at everything in the kitchen, throwing things to the floor when he found them empty or containing something other than the special treats. But he was looking in the wrong place. The biscuits were gone, thrown down the rubbish shoot. The seriousness of the situation became even more evident when Roseberry, not known for her speed or agility, fairly bounded into the room, a questioning look on her face. Seeing the desperation of the Baron's actions and the empty tin, she quickly caught on. 'I know I left plenty of them in there.' 'Well, they aren't there now!' There was panic in his eyes. 'I, I came to get the tin, the lid was off, and they weren't there. Look, it's empty.' He tossed the tin her way without looking up as he rifled through other tins in the hope they'd just been misplaced. Another terrifying, window-rattling howl made them jump. To Eller's surprise, the Baron looked a little relieved. Then blowing out his cheeks, he added, 'At least he hasn't gone straight to the villages. I know that means he's around here somewhere but I'd rather that than risk all those folk down there.' Risk the villagers? Was Horatio really that dangerous without these treats? She'd thought she was playing a simple trick to annoy the Baron and his mutt. The rising tide of panic inside her grew. This was obviously far more serious. Another howl, further away. What had she done? The screaming in Eller's head that had been increasing since the moment Horatio ran out into the night, got to the point where it snapped her out of her stupor. If Roseberry and the Baron were this serious about those snacks, then the panic she felt shouldn't be ignored. She needed to make this right. But how? The biscuits were gone! She scanned the kitchen, now littered with tins and pots and lids, none of which contained any of the special treats. Then, her eyes landed on the rubbish shoot, and she saw it. Rushing forward to check, she realised what had happened. In her haste to throw the snacks down the rubbish shoot, one had somehow stuck to the side, just inside the entrance. It had almost gone down the shoot but was still there, just out of view. They were safe… but how was she going to show the others where the biscuit was? Again and again, she attempted to grab the last remaining snack from the rubbish shoot and, every time, she moved straight through it. As frustration rose, she started shrieking. Yelling at the Baron, at Roseberry, at herself - but no one heard her. It seemed that all she could do was listen to the howls moving around in the night and watch the others fighting down their own fear. It was Roseberry who spotted it. 'Archie!' she said, a strange hush to her voice. 'Look!' Eller was taken aback to hear the name of the Baron spoken out loud and turned to see what Roseberry was pointing at. The other two seemed to be looking at something directly above her head. It took a minuet to sink in, but then she understood. They could see her badge, although now they seemed confused, probably because Eller had turned around and it must have moved with her. Once she realised they were looking at her LOST badge, she flung her head into the rubbish shoot. She didn't go in too far, just enough to get the word LOST to gently make its way to the shoot entrance, bouncing slowly into place. It was a revolting place for her to put her face but, if it helped, it was worth it. It took a moment, but then the others saw it. ‘Archie, look! There's a... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 13 - The Beast Of the three villages, maybe, just maybe, Grott was the best one for the mad and raging beast Horatio to have gone. This was because Grott's enchantment was that, as full moon approached, every Grott villager descended into slime – as did nearly everything in the village of Grott. So, while Horatio could easily find the Grotts, it wouldn't be so easy for him to attack them. Put simply, by this point, the Grotts had decayed to little more than lumps of mucus. Strangely, the Grotts were actually better off than both the Rotts and the Snotts. You see, even as slimy mucus, they had somehow managed to work out how to slither around. The Snotts, on the other hand, were tiny by this stage. Being so small, it seemed unlikely the beast would be able to find them. However, if he did search them out, there wouldn't be any escape - remember, dogs have an incredible sense of smell. It was the Rott villagers who were in the greatest danger. As full moon approached, their disintegration accelerated until they were heaps of disconnected body parts with clouds of flies circling around them, easy pickings. As Eller entered the village, her heart sank. The beast Horatio was in the middle of the village square leaping from one lump of mucus to another. Each time he sniffed at the slime, it retreated slightly, but Eller's keen eyes had seen a problem. There was a Rott in the village square! You could tell by the pile of putrid pieces and the flies. But most of all, you could tell by the shimmering badge. It was Knayton Borrowby – everyone knew his badge. It read R – CAD, which he had told everyone stood for Caring and Delightful and, being Rott, Grott & Snott, everyone believed him! Cod had also seen Knayton and seemed to be attempting to get to him, to make some kind of defence against Horatio. But, every time Cod moved towards the rotting Knayton Borrowby, one or other of Knayton's eyeballs would roll towards Cod and away from Horatio. As soon as one of the eyeballs looked in Cod's direction, Cod turned to stone. Then, Horatio would move, Knayton's eye would roll back towards Horatio and Cod would quickly move towards Knayton. Poor Knayton didn't know where to look! His eyeballs pivoted from the terrible creature leaping around the village square, apparently intent on eating whatever it found, to a slightly more sinister one that was creeping towards him to do who knew what? Worst of all, because of his advanced state of decay, after a few moments, one of his eyeballs exploded with a little squelching sound, leaving only one eyeball rolling to see the terror coming his way. Just then, as the beast Horatio turned away from examining a foul-smelling Grott, the Baron lurched into the village. He arrived just in time to see the beast prick up its ears at the scent of the quickly rotting Knayton Borrowby. Eller saw the change in the beast Horatio, the look of hunger and the intense glowing of its green eyes, as it turned to stalk this new prey. Cod stopped dead, unable to help any more as he transmogrified into solid stone just beside Knayton, clearly visible to both Horatio and the Baron. As Eller watched, helpless to do anything, she felt the Baron run through her, trying to get to Knayton to save him. As he did, Eller felt him slow just slightly, although not enough for him to realise what was happening. The midnight hour was very close as the Baron rushed towards the monstrous beast Horatio. Then the beast leapt to attack what remained of Knayton. A scream of terror erupted from the rotting lump of humanity, causing lungs to explode and teeth to scatter all around the pile. But instead of landing on the jumbled assortment of bits that was Knayton, Horatio came crashing down just in front of him with the Baron holding fast to the mad animal's tail! Then started something so surreal that, for a moment, all... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 14 – Interlude - Origins of Darkness  Before the madness and pain, a beautiful country house stood in the idyllic countryside of the North York Moors. There lived in that house a very fortunate family. Although, some would say that the blessing and good fortune were not of their own making. Instead, the blessing had found them and made its home there. Why it should do this, I can't say for sure, but I suspect this happened because they neither sought after nor longed for it. Instead, they concentrated on loving each other and caring for those around them, being thankful for all they had.  So, beauty and bounty followed wherever they went, and everything they put their hands to succeeded and prospered, which led to more thankfulness and joy. And so, it seemed that from each generation, this fortune flowed to the next, as sons and daughter grew up learning to love and care, with gratitude for the blessings they received. They lived in peace, drinking in the beauty all around and happily sharing their good fortune generously with others.  Around the country house, small villages grew for workers who tended the estate. Their housing was modest but comfortable, and a step beyond what they could find elsewhere, for the Briggswaths were good people who looked after and valued their workers.  Beyond the villages, the Briggswaths built a large hall, which they used as a meeting place and church. Generations of Briggswaths and villagers were married there, worshipped and gave thanks for all they'd received.   The land of the Briggswath estate was incredibly productive. Orchards were plentiful and loaded down with fruit; animals grazed and multiplied; woodlands were well-managed for healthy supplies of timber; crops grew both in the fields and the many gardens and allotments of the villagers. This part of Yorkshire really did seem to be ‘God's own county'!   The lord and lady of the house at this time had four children, three girls and a much younger boy. All of them were exceptionally good looking, and before the boy was very old, his three sisters married and moved away, leaving him as the last child in the rambling country house. His name was Lealholm Warn Briggswath.  Page Break  However, Leal, as he was known, was not like the rest of his family. Right from the start, he was spoilt, indulged and never disciplined for behaviour his sisters would never have got away with! So, Leal learnt how to manipulate his parents to get whatever he wanted. He perfected tantrums and grumpiness; he became a master at lying – no matter what it cost other people – as long as it got him what he wanted. To your face, he was about as charming and lovely as you could imagine, until that is, he had what he wanted or decided you were no longer of use to him. Then, you were at his mercy. This was especially true for his parents as they grew older and frailer – suspiciously frail for their age.   It was during this time that the Briggswaths stopped meeting at the hall for church on a Sunday. Leal always felt very uncomfortable by what was said in that place. And so, when ill health prevented his parents from going, Leal did nothing to help them, preferring to stay away and make excuses. Whereas his parents had loved the villagers, Leal despised them, wanting nothing to do with them - except get their labour as cheaply as possible.    Then the time came, as was the way of things at that point in history, when Leal was expected to marry. And, while his parents seemed to be increasingly blind to his outrageous and selfish behaviour, the rest of the community was not. No family for many miles around would risk their daughter marrying someone like Leal. So, his parents looked further afield for a bride – but none could be found. If a young lady visited as a possible match, Leal... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 15 - Winefry & Scragg – The tunnel ‘I can't see a thing!' Winefry exclaimed as the cave wall finally closed, leaving them to only wonder at the fate of the screaming girl, the lady of light and the border terriers. Before adding in a panic, ‘Scragg? Scragg? Are you there?' ‘Yes, I'm here. Stop worrying. I'm trying to work out the best way to go,' Scragg replied. ‘Work out what? I can't see a thing. It's pitch-black!' 'Well, it's not pitch-black for me. Maybe it's my cat's eyes or …, or maybe it's the lady of light and what she said about seeing the light? Whatever it is, I can see enough to tell that we have options.' ‘Options? What do you mean options?' Winefry was obviously rather flustered. Scragg gave a little sigh before explaining, ‘We can go one of seven ways as far as I can tell. Now be quiet a moment, I'm trying to make out the signs above the passageways.' Being silent in the darkness proved not to be one of Winefry's skills as he started to ply Scragg with questions about what the signs looked like. The seven passageways had seven different signs, which they eventually realised related to an image of a special key drawn on the wall that had closed up behind them. Scragg might never have seen the image if she hadn't become so exasperated with Winefry's constant questioning that she'd turned around to scream into her paws. When she did see it, she screamed anyway but more to wind Winefry up than anything. Eventually, she started to explain the image to Winefry. ‘It looks like a key of some sort, but instead of just one locky thing coming off the main shaft, it seems to have six.' Winefry was intrigued, even though he was most definitely not in his element when sitting in total darkness. Maybe it was the decades of being left in the eaves of the Manor that had done it, but darkness was something Winefry did not like! ‘Is there anything else about the key that looks unusual?' he asked Scragg. ‘You mean apart from that fact that it has six locky things?' Scragg responded a little rudely. Winefry ignored this and asked another question. ‘Well, if it has six lock-opening parts, it might be quite difficult to put into the keyhole and turn in the lock. Is there anything else you notice about it?' This was rather a good question, and Scragg felt a little ashamed of her previous outburst. So, rather sheepishly (although Winefry wouldn't know because of the apparent total darkness he was in), Scragg walked over to the image of the key and took a closer look. ‘Well, the shafty part is quite fat and has what look like 6 flat sides to it – what's that a polygon or something?' ‘That would be a hexagon,' Winefry answered without any emotion. ‘Anything else?' he added. ‘A hexagon. Right,' Scragg repeated. ‘So, this hexagon shaft seems to have little grooves around the locky parts – on each of the sides I can see. So, if I had to guess, it looks like the six locky or unlocky parts – what are they called by the way?' Again, without much emotion and without thinking about how he knew it, Winefry answered, 'It's called a 'bit,' and obviously this key has six bits that fit into the six grooves in the hexagonal shank. Is that what you were going to say?' Scragg nodded but then realised Winefry couldn't see her and gave a rather huffish ‘Yes,' before asking, ‘How do you know so much about keys anyway?' Winefry ignored her and instead asked, ‘The bow, what's that like?' Silence. It seemed Scragg was getting a little frustrated with this new ‘game' and didn't want to play any more! So, with a small sigh, Winefry explained. ‘It's usually a ring part at the other end of the shank or shaft that you hold the key by and it helps you to turn the key in the lock. I assume it's got quite a big bow?' At that, Winefry paused, not expecting and not getting any answer from the petulant cat. Then a moment later, Winefry added, Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 16 - Back to the Manor When Scragg eventually awoke, it was night, and a beautiful summers' full moon shone gently down on them. It was probably a flower moon or a strawberry moon in May or June, but it was hard to tell as all they had to go by were the warmth and smell of the air and the appearance of the leaves on the trees. Scragg didn't get up very quickly as she still felt exhausted from all the effort of spending who knew how long in that tunnel and then dragging Winefry out with her. At the thought of Winefry, Scragg was suddenly wide awake. What had happened to Winefry? He had seemed all but lifeless as she'd dragged him out. Sitting bolt upright, Scragg started to frantically search around for Winefry. Thankfully, she didn't have to look far as the bottle was only a little way from her and lying on its side, probably having rolled there after falling out of the tunnel. Gently, Scragg rolled the bottle onto its back to get a closer look. Annoyingly, the bottle didn't breathe in the same way animals did, so she couldn't check for a pulse or for his chest rising and falling. So, she looked as closely as she could in the full moonlight at the label, to see what his face was doing. A wave of grateful thanks washed over Scragg as she saw the peaceful expression that filled the features drawn on the label. Gone were the hopelessness and the lines of deep anxiety. Instead, they had been replaced by a look of peace and strength, and a very distinct animation of the wine bottle's drawn features that told her he was snoring! Winefry was going to be ok. It might take a while before he woke up, but he had survived, so Scragg relaxed a little. Then her tummy growled, and she realised how hungry she was. The vermin in the tunnel had been small, and few and far between so, feeling confident that Winefry would be safe to leave for a little while, she headed out to hunt for her tea or breakfast. Whichever meal it might be, it was needed. When Scragg returned having found much larger and tastier vermin to feast upon, Winefry had still not moved. But as she looked at him, he seemed more robust and healthier as the first rays of morning light flickered through the branches onto his label face. Scragg had been anxious about Winefry, not least because she'd never seen him eat. In fact, she had no idea if he ate at all! What had made it worse was that, while they'd been in the tunnel, Scragg had got the distinct impression that Winefry had been starving. But he didn't look as if he was starving now. In fact, as the light played on his features, there was a faint impression of a smile. Then, as the light started to grow in strength, Scragg suddenly found herself on high alert. Something was wrong or different about this place. From the corner of her eye, she caught sight of things moving that shouldn't have. Then, a moment later, Scragg leapt into the air and backwards in the way only cats can when startled by something unexpected. But there wasn't anything there. Again, something caught Scragg's eye, and she jumped as high, if not higher than before. What was going on? Then she saw it, a shadow moving away from her – but it didn't seem to be attached to anything. A moment later, it disappeared into the mix of shadows of trees and bushes. Again, for a third time, Scragg jumped as if her life depended on it. But this time, as she looked at what had caught her eye, she couldn't believe what she saw. It was a shadow of a dog but without the dog. Deliberately coming up to her and acting as if she could understand it, it seemed to be looking at her, while sitting down and wagging its tail! Now, one thing cats are known for is their curiosity. While Scragg was still on high alert, she was also very curious about this strange shadow. So, moving very slowly, she started to creep towards it. At first, it just seemed to stay where it was,... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 17 - The Key As Scragg recovered her senses, she looked more closely at the two people in the attic with them. One, a hag-like creature, was holding something in her hand while kneeling in front of the dark and ghostly outline of a door. The other, who looked a bit of an oaf, was some way behind and had a furious expression on his face. Neither of the people had noticed their arrival or the two shadow dogs who seemed to be having a 'mad moment' - zooming around chasing each other. Apart from the kneeling hag, Winefry was the only one who wasn't affected by what came next. As the hag held out what looked very much like the key they were searching for towards the dark keyhole in the door, everything in the attic seemed to slow down. Then a voice spoke - which was only heard by the woman and Winefry - apparently from the door itself. It said, ‘Beware how you place that key in my lock, for many have tried and have found no luck. For if by chance you get it wrong, this door will stay open and all blessing be gone. Yet if you get it right when you open this cell, then maybe, just maybe all things will go well.' The words sent cold shivers down Winefry from his cork to his toes. He could see what was happening but felt no power in himself do anything about it. He watched helplessly as the person blindly pushed the key into the lock, taking no notice of the warning she'd just received. Winefry could see the other person, a large man with a red face moving closer to the hag and saw her throw a worried glance in his direction. Then, time was released back to normal as the door violently burst open, smashing into the woman kneeling in front of it. It sent her flying across the attic like a rag-doll - only just missing the man. Then, darkness, like they had never seen before, erupted out from the doorway. It was more than just empty darkness. It was malicious, powerful, filled with hate and, as it shot out, it engulfed the surprised man. Winefry thought he saw dark hands reach out and grab the man, dragging him back inside the doorway. As the man entered the darkness, the door slammed shut with a mighty crash - flinging the key from the lock and shattering it into its component pieces. Winefry was horrified. When he'd seen the key, he'd assumed that this was the end of their quest, to simply take the key from these people and return home. But now the key parts were spread across the attic. It was hard to see where they'd landed as the light was so dim. All Winefry could see was the shank of the key which seemed to be evaporating into a dark mist. So, throwing caution to the wind, Winefry leapt for the shank and grabbed hold of it as tightly as he could. And, as he held it firmly, so it regained its integrity in his hands, the thin rope through the bow dangling down. Shouting across to Scragg, Winefry yelled at her to find the bits before they disappeared. But that was easier said than done. The lighting was terrible. Only the woman's oil lamp was left and was about as much use as a clotted-cream picnic basket. Scragg raced around, but each time she found a bit, it was too late as it evaporated into a vapour before she could grab it. Thinking she'd missed all the bits, Scragg returned to Winefry who was holding the shank as if it too was about to vanish. He gave her a hopeful look, but she shook her head, and his face fell. The task the Lady of Light had given them would take far longer now. The shadow border terriers still seemed to be playing, at least one of them did. Flannel's shadow kept running up to them and then going away again. Both Winefry and Scragg ignored it at first, unsure what to do. But when it came up for the fifth or sixth time, Winefry and Scragg exchanged a glance and Scragg followed the shadow dog with Winefry close behind. Flannel's shadow ran ahead and stopped just the other side of some boxes, and when... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 18 - The Rise of the Evil Empire Manor Rott, Grott & Snott hadn't really been itself – at least, not since the 'incident'! Quite what the 'incident' was and when it had happened, no one could remember. All people knew was that, ever since then, things had been different, including, and maybe especially, the Manor. Of course, if you live with 'different' for long enough, it stops being different and becomes the new normal. But even so, Manor Rott, Grott & Snott still felt, still presented itself and still was different. Externally, the Manor no longer looked like a friendly country Manor house. Instead, it had taken on the appearance of a rather nasty little castle. Outside, what should have been pleasant gardens had become miserable woodlands, threaded with dark, eerie pathways. There was the tree-lined drive at the front of the Manor, but that went to the gates and, through those, no one from Rott, Grott & Snott could go; only visitors oblivious to the situation were able to come and go at will. The gargoyles, of course, you know all about! Whoever heard of large, restless, hooved gargoyles on a Manor? Oh, and the towers and turrets? As well as the fact that they liked to rearrange themselves from time to time, it was a challenge to find out how they were connected to the Manor. Some of them did seem to have entrances and exits, and these moved with their turrets, somehow fitting in with the layout of the Manor as they shifted. However, others seemed to have no known entrance or exit and remained a mystery. Then, of course, probably linked to the turrets, were the rooms and cupboards that came and went, sometimes even taking people with them, like Lady Pinchinthorpe and her maid Ayton. Because of this penchant for turrets to move and rooms to appear and disappear, the Manor also had a tendency to rearrange its internal layout. The things that remained unchanged included the front and back doors, along with the grand entrance hall at the front, and the boot room and kitchen at the back. Additionally, several corridors with connections to the entrance hall or the kitchen had little choice but to remain in place. They assumed that the attic and the cellar also stayed in place but, as they were visited so infrequently, in truth, they could be doing anything although, on the rare occasions people had visited them, they had tended to be at the top and the bottom of the Manor respectively. The end result of all this variation was that you could be heading to a particular room only to find yourself in a different part of the Manor, sometimes even ending up on a different floor, or simply unable to get to where you'd hoped! This could be very frustrating, and it wasn't unusual for people to get quite lost. Everyone, that is, except Horatio, who seemed to know the exact way to go no matter how the Manor reorganised itself (and even more quickly at mealtimes). I think it was the shadows that set people most on edge. Many thought it an unholy thing that shadows could be independent. Some people felt so uneasy that they refused to go anywhere near the Manor. You see, the shadows in the Manor didn't see the point of playing the same game as all the other shadows outside, and so they didn't. Most disconcerting of all was when your own shadow got bored! This happened quite a lot in the Manor, and it soon became apparent that shadows don't have a particularly long attention span. So, within a few moments of entering the Manor, your shadow would wander off without you, leaving you with no shadow until you left the Manor and it was forced to return to normal. Even if your shadow did come back before you left the Manor, there was no guarantee it would act normally and, more often than not, it would return with several other shadows (as shadows were both nosey and fickle) and hold a very animated silent shadow... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 19 - A New Kingdom One day, as Salaronicus lay back on her couch pulling the legs off a live, inverted woodlouse, a scout appeared at her side. Not wanting to disturb her majesty as she sucked the contents of each leg dry, the scout stood and waited, a little restless with the critical news he brought. He watched impatiently as she gnawed each leg husk to a digestible power with her razor-sharp teeth. ‘S..top wiggling s..cout!' Salaronicus snapped, not even looking towards the hapless scout as she concentrated her attention and her teeth on the body of the unfortunate woodlouse. ‘You look like you want to relieve yours..elf.., jumping from leg to leg.' The scout, 374 (standing for 3rd battalion, 7th squad, 4th least important) was mortified. Falling to his knees, saliva dribbling down his chest through his profusion of poorly fitting teeth, he bowed low, mumbling an apology. Then, lifting his head while still in a kneeling position, he began, ‘Oh, mos..t ruthless.. and majes..tic S..alaronicus... Uncontes..ted empress.. of.. the 7.. rooms.., conqueror and vanquish..er of all before her. I have exciting news…We have f..ound another world to conquer …..' Unfortunately for 374, Salaronicus was neither patient nor nice! So, before he had finished his little speech, her glass-like sword flashed from its sheath cleanly removing 374's head from the rest of his body. I say, head. With salami, it's rather hard to tell where head ends and body begins, but wherever it was, Salaronicus had hit the spot slightly before she realised what 374 was telling her. As 374's head and body hit the floor - in that order, Salaronicus swore loudly, spattering saliva over herself and her attendants. (I should say that because of the sheer number of teeth salamis have and their lack of a nose, noisy breathing and saliva splattered speech was the norm, so no-one batted an eyelid.) ‘Oh f..amel!' she swore. ‘What was.. he s..aying about another world?' Her attendants, who looked at the bits of 374 and took lots of tiny steps backwards out of the reach of her sword whilst bowing and scraping, didn't say a word because they didn't know. However, there was one brave one. ‘I'm s..orry your S..piciness..,' spattered a rather tall and regal-looking salami. (It seemed they didn't realise that avoiding words that started with ‘s' and ‘f' could help reduce their sprayings and spatterings!) ‘I do not know the ans..wer to your question.' Then sucking up a stream of mucus that had started to trickle out of his mouth, he gulped as he saw the look in her eye and added, ‘But I will s..et f..orth s..traight away to s..ort this out!' At that, he fair ran from her presence. (The Rampant Salamis had rather big feet which strangely resembled hobnail boots and seemed impervious to slippery surfaces, so running with all the saliva around wasn't a problem.) Thankfully, just behind a zombie wine bottle stood a small gaggle of scouts nibbling on ants and cracking rude jokes. Noticing they had the same colours on their helmets as the unfortunate 374, the long-legged regal attendant grabbed one and found he also knew about the new world. After some arguments and a couple of lost limbs (they grew back quite quickly), one of them stepped forward to go before the Empress. The tall advisor turned and walked briskly back to the throne room with the scout following, who almost had to run to keep up. Entering the throne room area (it wasn't a room so much as a slightly raised platform), the advisor bowed very low – in fact, so low his head seemed to touch the floor. Maybe he figured that it would make it harder for Salaronicus to remove it with her sword. Whatever the reason, bowing, the advisor waited. He didn't have to wait long, Salaronicus wanted to hear more. ‘Well?' she asked. ‘What have you f..ound?' (The letter ‘f' always seemed to eject saliva... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 20 - Chaos Eller Beck watched the Rampant Salamis with increasing admiration. Gone were the days of unsubtle ‘blood and guts' warfare. Instead, the time had come for cunning and secrecy. They needed to keep their presence unknown, while at the same time testing their formidable adversaries. Eller understood that, if these tiny warriors were going to rule, then they needed to know who and what they were up against.  One of the things that surprised her most was that even the salami shadows were dangerous. Able to separate themselves from their owners, they were organised, vicious and ruthless as they worked to enslave all the other Manor shadows. In no time, nearly all the shadows in the Manor were under their control and forced to act as spies. Gone were the shadows' freedoms and playfulness, replaced instead by fear, hiding and spying - spying for the Rampant Salami empire to help them find out more about their foe and prepare for the day of battle. It wasn't easy at first for the Rampant Salamis to understand their foe. At the very start, the whole thing was almost a complete disaster. The first scouting party had taken shelter in a closet when, at 11:05 on the dot, the vacuum cleaner had suddenly appeared in that same cupboard, and switched on! Their immediate reaction was one of total terror as the cleaner head was perilously close to sucking up some of them. But these salamis where much more resilient and well-trained than previous kingdoms had been. Even over the scream of the vacuum, Horatio could be heard barking and snarling his way closer, as he bounded towards the noise. The salamis had already spied Horatio and understood just how potentially dangerous he was. So, as the barking grew closer, one of the salamis stood up, waved his hands (there was no way it could be heard above the racket of the cleaner) and indicated for the whole squad to push. Without hesitation, the whole advance scouting party of 10 salamis rushed forward, shoving and pushing the vacuum cleaner base as hard as they could. At first, it didn't move. As Horatio's barking got louder and louder, Eller was impressed by the discipline of the salamis; not one of them ran away. Instead, all 10 pushed with every ounce of strength they had, and the vacuum cleaner base began to shift. Once it started to move, they pushed even harder to keep it going, guiding it towards the door which was ajar because the latch was broken. Nudging the door, it edged open, and the vacuum cleaner began to emerge, just as Horatio came hurtling down the corridor with the Baron careening and lurching his way after the enraged dog. In his fury and desire to destroy, Horatio yanked the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and flung it across the hallway. Bits of cleaner flew everywhere, littering the floor. The cupboard door just slowly swung back until it was almost closed again. As she watched Horatio's fit of destruction, Eller forgot about the salamis who had so very nearly been discovered and destroyed. Remembering them a few moments later, she popped her head back through the door to see what they were doing. It was almost of it they weren't there at all, sliding under bags and hiding behind boxes, each of them holding little sacks of something – waiting to see what might happen next. Of course, the danger wasn't over, for if there is one thing that defines a dog, it's their incredible sense of smell. Surely Horatio would smell the Rampant Salamis? It wasn't as if they didn't niff! Even Eller thought she could smell them at times (which she probably could although there was no control over when it would actually happen). Once he'd reduced the vacuum cleaner to its components, Horatio stopped and sniffed the air, his nostrils twitching and twisting. Stepping closer to the cupboard where the salamis hid, Horatio hitched the door open with his snout and sniffed... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 21 – The Meeting The Baron called a meeting, asking everyone to come to the kitchen to see if they could get to the bottom of the problems they were facing and find a solution. Obviously, Eller wasn't invited because no-one knew she existed. That didn't stop her attending of course - as did Stokesley, who most definitely wasn't invited, but just turned up on the kitchen wall, looking sullen. And pretty much every shadow in the whole Manor came and occupied places all over the walls, ceiling and floor. Everywhere that is except around Stokesley's shadow which was rather particular about these things and seemed to nip and butt other shadows which came too close. The meeting started rather slowly as Thornton had forgotten his spare hearing aids. Then, when he finally arrived back having retrieved them from his room, they discovered the batteries were flat. Mercifully, Roseberry had some spares in a drawer; they took some digging out, but it saved a lot of time compared to waiting for Thornton to go back to his room again to find some. When at last they'd got Thornton sorted, the conversation began in earnest - although it still needed to happen at a reasonably high decibel level for Thornton's sake! He had purchased the new hearing aids (which had disappeared) because he needed them and the relative lack of power of the old ones made for lots of repetition. 'I have called this meeting,' the Baron began in his somewhat nasally voice, 'to discuss what I am sure you will all agree, is a series of malicious incidents happening all across the Manor.' 'What's that you say?' asked Thornton. ‘Something about hamsters being cross at the Manor? I didn't know we had a hamster problem too! When did that happen?' The Baron, Roseberry and Eller all rolled their eyes – this was going to be a long meeting. 'WE DON'T HAVE A HAMSTER PROBLEM THORNTON,' the Baron replied. 'SORRY FOR NOT BEING CLEARER. I WILL TRY NOT TO MUMBLE SO MUCH.' Then, as loudly as he could manage, the Baron continued, 'We all agree that serious things are happening in the Manor.' Nodding sagely, Thornton started to speak before the Baron could continue. 'Did you know someone stole my hearing aids?' he asked, even more loudly than the Baron. Of course they knew but, as they'd all learnt many years before, when Thornton started, there was no use interrupting him until he'd said his piece. Thankfully, once he'd said it and got the appropriate sympathetic nods and expressions, he tended to just sit for the rest of the conversation with an inscrutable look on his face. He was probably in a world of his own and not paying any attention, but no one really wanted to check. 'We know, dear,' Roseberry shouted, patting Thornton's hand as he finished. 'It's a terrible state of affairs.' Then looking from Thornton to the Baron she asked, 'But who's behind it all? That's what we need to find out.' At this, the shadows shifted uncomfortably, causing Stokesley's shadow to nip one of two, to keep them in their place. 'Surely, if anyone knows what's going on, it's you guys,' Eller said to the shadows, knowing she wouldn't get a response. But the fact that the shadows cared about what the others knew made her feel strangely on edge. It was what the Baron said next that stunned her, that and the reaction of everyone present (except of course for Stokesley who continued to chew invisible grass and Horatio who was far more interested in licking his paws than paying any attention to the conversation). 'It seems that the Manor's resident ghost who, as we all know, has the full-moon badge LOST, has, for reasons we cannot understand, decided to stop being our friend. Instead, it seems LOST has started to cause mischief, which is getting out of hand and verging on dangerous. Quite why LOST has started behaving in this way is beyond me. Still, I can find no other explanation for this series... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 22 - Another Visit to the Attic It seemed that, in Manor Rott, Grott & Snott, the places where people didn't often go were the places where the effects of the enchantment – or curse – or whatever it was – were the strongest. Although it wasn't clear how it happened, when things were left in lonely places such as the attic or cellar, malevolent forces somehow altered them. This was, I suppose, the reason for the rise of the Rampant Salami Empire; the real cause of the problems the Baron attributed to 'the ghost'. = The Baron couldn't believe he was going back into the attic after such a short time. It wasn't long since he'd been up there to fetch the old water boiler and here he was, doing it all over again. As he looked up at the attic hatch, he shuddered. The round window at the end of the landing was once again alive with gargoyle activity, as any number of gargoyles took it in turn to look every time the Baron turned away. But, in the midst of all this activity, Cod stayed at the centre of the window, watching. The Baron found himself waving to Cod before he knew what he was doing, and got annoyed with himself. When he next looked back, most of the other gargoyles had moved, but Cod still sat there as before, but with one hand raised. Smiling to himself, the Baron turned back to the hatch and nearly jumped out of his skin. A large moose head had appeared on the wall to one side and was watching the Baron with a vague, disinterested expression, while chewing on something invisible to the Baron. Stokesley (as the moose head had become known) was actually quite nosey and seemed to enjoy giving people a shock. After a few choice words to Stokesley about staying in the entrance hall, the Baron took a deep breath and got to work. He didn't notice the slight grin that appeared on the moose head's face. The over-long attic door was as recalcitrant as last time, squeaking and complaining as the Baron dropped it down. There seemed to be about as much dust and debris as on the previous visit. So, again, he got covered and, like last time, he marvelled at the awe-inspiring steps-cum-stairway contraption as it slowly and gently descended. He was delighted when he flicked the light switch on, and the bulbs spluttered, crackled and tinkled into life, one after the other, as if a little reluctant to shine. Once he'd climbed up into the attic, he stood in the cooler air for a moment to steady his nerves. As he'd expected, all the chaos and mess of the turret finding its new home and shaking the attic had been cleared up, leaving corridors with piles of junk on each side. As no turrets were relocating this time, there wasn't as much noise, although the sudden flurries of hooves on slate kept causing him to panic. Starting to move between the massive piles of junk towards where he was sure the ancient old vacuum cleaner had been, the Baron was surprised by how few shadows there were. What struck him as even more worrying was that, despite the lack of shadows, the attic somehow still managed to look dark, threatening and menacing. How it managed to do that without the shadows, he didn't know, although he didn't like the obvious conclusion; that it was the active presence of darkness. Perhaps the greatest scare he got was at the end of a particularly packed aisle. As he turned the corner, a very loud flurry of hooves overhead momentarily distracted him. When he looked back, he jumped and almost hit his head on the roof at the shock of finding himself confronted with a giant, chewing moose head staring directly into his eyes. The roof was slanted down at this point. So, when Stokesley decided to come and take a look, he was a lot lower than normal. In fact, he was so low that he ended up staring straight into the Baron's revoltingly ugly eyes. Stokesley promptly threw up – it was a mercy he didn't have a stomach! Having recovered... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 23 - A Trap is Set It would have been a reasonably straightforward process to recover the vacuum cleaner, if it hadn't been for the weight of the thing. However, after a prolonged period of pushing, shoving, lifting and carefully lowering, the old machine was finally back down in the Manor proper. The Baron was delighted to be able to lift up the steps-cum-stairs contraption and shut the attic door once again. He wiped his brow with a disgusting handkerchief taken from one of his many pockets and stood looking at the old vacuum in the light of day. As he inspected the awful machine, he was aware of two other sets of eyes watching him. One was from outside the round window at the end of the landing. The other, high on the wall to one side, was accompanied by chewing noises. Quite how Stokesley moved around the Manor so quickly, the Baron didn't know - and he certainly didn't like it! Usually, when you revisit something from your past that frightened you, you realise you just perceived it that way. When it's in front of you once again, the reality isn't as bad as you remembered. That wasn't the case here. For, as he looked at the old machine, the Baron thought, if anything, it looked even more menacing than before. Somehow, it seemed to affect the light around it, making the whole area darker. As he stood looking at the vacuum cleaner and recovering his breath, the Baron heard a noise behind him at the large, circular window at the end of the landing. He knew it was Cod so didn't turn at once but, when he did, there was Cod still at centre of the window, but his expression had changed. The look on Cod's face was one of grave concern. Although, to be honest, Cod was a gargoyle and gargoyles were made with fearsome faces – which in Cod's case was a fearsome fish face – so it was hard to know what any expression really meant. The Baron was assuming it was grave concern, but it could have been a laugh for all he knew. As it happened, this time he was right, Cod was worried! Stokesley, for his part, was still enjoying the Baron's pain from earlier – it could be quite dull being a moose head and having to live on the wall. = Now that the Baron had finished the problematic process of retrieving the old vacuum cleaner all on his own, everyone else turned up! 'Oh, if you'd have waited a moment Archie, I'd have given you a hand getting that down,' said Roseberry as she wobbled up, first shooting Stokesley a cross look and then inspecting the vacuum cleaner over the top of her glasses. 'Shall I take it to the kitchen, sir?' asked Thornton as he appeared at the other end of the landing. The Baron would have loved to have said 'yes'. The problem was, that there were two flights of stairs to go down, and Thornton was, shall we say, 'past his prime'. So, if he had agreed, the chances of both the vacuum cleaner and Thornton arriving in the kitchen intact were reasonably low. Loudly thanking Thornton for his kind offer, the Baron politely refused and started to drag it down the stairs with Thornton muttering something about 'lack of gratitude' behind him. Horatio was strangely absent, bearing in mind all the noise the vacuum had made when being tested. Even when the cleaner finally arrived in the kitchen, Horatio was still nowhere to be seen. = Despite it taking the Baron quite a while to manoeuvre the beastly machine down to the kitchen, he still managed to arrive before Roseberry and Thornton. During that time, the Baron made sure the replacement bag he'd fitted was firmly attached. Once that was done, he sat down to nurse the numerous little bumps, scratches and other inexplicable wounds he'd managed to acquire while relocating the vacuum cleaner. By the time Roseberry and Thornton did turn up, it was mid-afternoon. In the intervening time, the Baron had managed to brew tea, drink said tea, eat a homemade cake, and... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 24 - The Trap is Sprung Inside the Manor, little eddies of dust and not so little eddies of dust appeared and disappeared, each time becoming a little smaller than before. Shadows came out of hiding, skittish at the sudden appearance of eddies and unwilling to attach themselves to anything for more than a moment. Unconsciously pushing his hair away from his face, the Baron sat in the kitchen, his hair whipped about by an unseen draft. Around the table with him sat Roseberry and Thornton, still looking a little flustered by all that was going on. Horatio lay in the doorway to the boot room. Facing the monstrous, old vacuum cleaner, he tried (and failed) to look as if he was ignoring it. His 'tell' was the way his eyes kept darting back to the machine even as he cleaned his paws. 'But Roseberry,' the Baron was saying, 'I thought we were all agreed on this plan? Things are going missing and, if that was all that was happening, then maybe I'd 'let it go' as you ask. However, it's getting worse all the time. Only this morning Horatio very nearly lost the end of his nose as a knife fell from the top of my bedroom door! This can't carry on, so we must stick with the plan.' Roseberry said nothing, her face inscrutable since the vacuum cleaner had been turned on. ‘Think about the water boiler and the stone thing I was playing with as it first came to the boil,' the Baron continued, trying to justify his plan to an obviously unconvinced Roseberry. 'We had an emergency then, with a potential invasion of gargoyles into the Manor. It was the combination of those two things which seemed to solve that issue once and for all. I know it probably means we're stuck with the water boiler, but at least we don't have gargoyles sitting next to us for breakfast.' Still no reply from Roseberry. 'As for me, sir,' Thornton said, interrupting the silence that followed, 'I do believe something should be done. So many things have gone missing that it has to be more than coincidence or error. I know I'm getting old, sir,...' As he said this, he held up his hand to silence any protests, although none were actually coming. '...but even that cannot explain all that's happened.' He paused a moment to look at Horatio before continuing, 'Quite if this is the best way to approach it, I have my doubts, but I'm happy to leave it in your hands.' Then, flashing a quick glance at the vacuum cleaner, he added, 'There is certainly something about that thing that tells me it is capable of doing far more than just sucking up dirt. However, if I may be so bold, sir?' he asked, before continuing without actually waiting for the Baron's permission, 'I wonder if maybe there isn't another way? If maybe we've missed something and in so doing are trying to solve the wrong problem in the wrong way.' The Baron stared at Thornton in surprise. Thornton was always more than willing to offer his opinion on anything but seldom did he counsel caution! Assuming that this had been nothing more than the terrible noise from the vacuum cleaner that had upset Thornton, the Baron said, 'I know it makes a terrible racket and that was indeed part of the reason why we put it in the attic in the first place. But, hang it all, this really is an emergency! What else can we do? I know as well as the next man that a vacuum cleaner can't suck up ghosts and that's why I brought out the Promise Capsule. When I found that thing,' he said, pointing at the egg-like object in the middle of the kitchen table, 'I couldn't imagine a time when I would consider using it. But, as the other two objects seem to have made such a difference with Cod and the gargoyles, I thought that, if only part of what it says is true, then perhaps it can change, transform, transmogrify or whatever the word is that wretched cleaner so that, instead of sucking up dust and dirt, it can get rid of this malicious ghost?'... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 25 - Lost Inside Manor Rott, Grott & Snott, it seemed that 'all hell' had let loose. In one of the living rooms, the Baron was jumping and darting to avoid what appeared to be a possessed vacuum cleaner, intent on killing him. Sitting in his room and rocking back and forth in a state of extreme anxiety, Thornton kept checking his ears to make sure his spare hearing aids weren't in. Roseberry was walking the corridors… being Roseberry! Cod raced around the roof with all the gargoyles, unable to settle. Stokesley hadn't reappeared as yet, after an altogether too close encounter with said vacuum. And, Horatio Fleming McNaughtie, the border terror - sorry, border terrier, was shut in the kitchen in an attempt to keep him away from the noise and danger. However, Horatio Fleming McNaughtie had never and would never be kept silent and out of the way by a stupid, little, solid, wooden door! Although the Baron couldn't hear it above the screaming rage of the vacuum cleaner, the Manor had started to reverberate to a new noise, a relentless thudding, biting and clawing from the kitchen. = As Eller fell into the blackness of the well, it engulfed her and, for a moment, she felt only vaguely aware of the screaming. Then, a blinding light, and a shriek so loud that it seemed to explode in her skull. As her eyes cleared, they revealed the back door of the Manor, wide open and filled with darkness, looking like the open mouth of some kind of monster. Of course, she shouldn't have been surprised. Every time she strayed beyond the limits, she always found herself returning through the back door of the Manor. She should have seen it coming, as falling down the well was technically going beyond the boundary of Snott. But, in the stress of the moment, she hadn't thought carefully enough. The end result was that she was now in even greater danger. (P) Before she'd even realised what had happened, she felt the powerful tendrils of darkness wrapping around her, determined to drag her deeper into the Manor and towards the hideous, screaming darkness. Grasping and grabbing at anything and everything she could, her hands and arms passed through them all. All that is, except for a small, carved, wooden dog that she almost didn't bother holding on to as it seemed so small and worthless. But she was pleased she did for, as she passed through the closed kitchen door, her hand holding the carved, wooden dog wouldn't go through the door. For a moment she hung in mid-air, held safely by the wooded dog that couldn't go any further. Having passed rapidly through the kitchen, Eller hadn't noticed Horatio. So, when he suddenly attacked the door, she panicked. Splinters of wood flew through the air, and the hinges were almost shaken loose. The shock of Horatio smashing into the kitchen door caused Eller to involuntarily let go of the wooden dog, and she found herself being pulled deeper into the Manor. The dark tendrils wrapped even tighter around Eller, throwing her around like a rag doll, accelerating her towards the ancient, evil vacuum cleaner. Passing along corridors and through doors, Eller moved rapidly. In no time at all, she entered a sitting room inside which she saw the Baron, hot and sweaty and doing everything in his power to avoid the monstrous machine. For a split second, Eller felt sorry for him, but then the loathing kicked back in, and she felt pleased to see him suffering for the terror he was inflicting on her. The vacuum didn't hesitate. Immediately, a profusion of darkness and shrieking reached out of the machine, engulfed her and dragged her inside. (PAUSE) Silence. = Inexplicably, for a moment, the old vacuum cleaner stopped jumping and twisting around. So, taking his life in his hands, with a desperate lunge, the Baron leapt forwards and yanked the plug out the wall without bothering to switch it off... Support this podcast

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle Artwork by Steve English The script: Episode 26 - The ‘Place' Suddenly, Eller's senses were awash with feelings she'd almost given up hope of ever experiencing again. How long she'd sat in that penetrating, all-encompassing blackness, she didn't know. Now the problem wasn't lack of sensation but, rather, being overwhelmed by so many sensations that it made her feel vulnerable. Where there had been darkness and only the sound of her heartbeat (and the pulse of something she really didn't want to think about), now there was light, noise, smell. A gentle breeze caressed her body and, slowly, she became aware of others in the place where she sat. Of course, having been isolated from people for such a long time, Eller's assumption was that these people couldn't see her. One of them caught her interest, moving slowly around and... pouring cups of tea! With the light being so intense, Eller took a moment to realise who it was. It was Roseberry! But this was no ordinary Roseberry. This was the Roseberry she'd seen on that night so long ago. Beautiful, filled with light and... busying herself with something so ordinary and mundane and, yet, so wonderful to watch after her time imprisoned in the darkness. Roseberry finished pouring tea into 3 cups and some on a saucer. Then, as Eller watched, Roseberry picked up one of the cups, turned and walked towards her. Eller was so convinced she couldn't be seen, that she actually looked over her shoulder to see who Roseberry was taking it to. There was no one behind her. Roseberry stopped right in front of Eller, staring into the lost girl's eyes. Eller gazed back, unable to stem the tears that started to stream down her face. Roseberry bent forwards, holding out the cup to the crying girl who looked so young as she sat there with her arms wrapped around her legs. Eller didn't move, so Roseberry crouched down by her side, the cup of tea still in her hands. ‘Eller, my love, it's wonderful to see you again. I've missed you so very much.' There was such love in Roseberry's voice that her tears flowed even faster, and she began to sob quietly. Still unable to move, Eller felt something warm and wet on the back of her arm. Turning to look, a beautiful border terrier forced his face between her arms, unwrapping them from around her legs, as he demanded love and attention. Despite herself, Eller started to laugh and scratched his ears whilst trying to avoid the worst of the licking. Then, looking up at Roseberry, who was still crouching and holding the teacup, the expression on Eller's face asked, ‘What's happening?' The older woman put the cup down and flopped onto her bottom beside Eller, to give her a hug. Meanwhile, a young man, not much more than a boy, stood nearby looking unsure what to do. When Eller stopped stroking the dog, he rushed over to the young man who seemed to know exactly how to fuss over a dog. In fact, he seemed a little relieved to have something to do. After a long hug with Roseberry, Eller eventually pulled herself together enough to ask, ‘How do you know me?' Roseberry smiled but didn't answer immediately. Instead, she gave Eller a quizzical look. Eller suddenly remembered. ‘Grandma!' she exclaimed. Then, once again they threw their arms around each other, sobbing and laughing all at once. The young man concentrated on spoiling the dog! The place they were in wasn't a real place, as they discovered when, after a little while, Thornton walked through and yet didn't see or notice them. Then a few more people came and went, busy doing chores. However, the people who came after Thornton all seemed less… tangible… than Thornton, more ghostly and yet obviously not ghosts. It was Roseberry who was the one to be surprised this time. ‘Oh, so that's where they are!' Eller looked at her grandma enquiringly. Roseberry smiled and replied, ‘It's the servants, love. You see, I knew they had to be... Support this podcast