Meaningful Desire

What does it mean to get what I want?

These are my notes and reflections on "Understanding Trauma", session 1 of Returning to Wholeness: A Guide to Understanding and Integrating Trauma, a 12-Lesson online course with Gabor Mate.

Desire inventory is a practice where one starts a timer for a certain amount of time (10 minutes for example). Once the timer is started one writes one's desires one at a time. I prefer to write it in this format "I desire [INSERT] because I want to feel [INSERT]. One keeps on going until the timer goes off at the end. Optionally one can write at the end "Dear God I wish to have these desires met or desire what I get if they will be for my higher good".

Part 5 of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Part 4 of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Reading an entry from my desires journal dated 2 January 2016.

ľm grateful for the immanent perceiver perceiving the perceived as is ungarnished by story, meaning, purpose innate & cognate precedes cognitive & conative pain is not suffering when the steak makes me salivate not the sizzle of hot media's bling bling native beauty of the felt sense fuzzy rich unyielding pleasure when it clicks inside deep mysterious always new ha! a-ha! hahaha laughter the child of surprise a sudden turn the ground spins beneath my feet I hold on optimal grip on what is real realtime processing affordances of my unwelt smell of freshly toasted spelt bread over which newly churned butter melts before the neurogenesis of photons inside the mind's eye l chop wood for our drumming circle's bonfire after glow of awakening I chop vanities to throw in the funeral pyre chasing tail purity of touch me not for I have not shed the idols of simulacrum lycra of inactive wear and tear, tear under my tongue it goes & she goes to feel the lump in my throat unease, discomfort simply listen with no explanation to glisten no priest to Christen the simplicity of sensing not making sense from the embodied richness whence this Luciferic mischief seeks recompense.

I'm grateful for the unfolding realities happen in the rightness of their times layers of becoming slowly exposed at each revealing striptease of being truth is to uncover recover what's beneath surfaces bubbling of what lies underneath surfacing of hidden skeletal details patterns of forms she holds my tiny hand as the other trace spirals in the sand sound of waves announcing the receding tide the moon pulls from the other side absence of her reflected light reveals flickering of long-lived stars the arresting red hues of fungi borne of mycelia running unseen unwitnessed in their tending the soil of possibilities trampled by busybodies bumping like predictable billiard balls steam trains on the track stations create a common time bound by Bundy Clocks tick tick tock tick tick tock life in sync with optimising chron jobs in misty clouds of silica guarded by guns dot one's tongue escape the logic dig for the magic reduction of absurdities reconnect with the chaos of turning as we enter the age of air unstable breezes from the hot desert lands prophecies intercede on one's behalf dry souls are best suited for the culling jihad for M'uad Dib to see futures is a curse for living in the now blind one's eyes there's no escape from the tragedy of fate the more I exercise freedoms the more destined I am supposedly listen to the secrets whispered under the rose as I lick poison on fingertips jabbed with blood a most special kind of juice for fools, civil society has no use to walk the unmapped paths the bliss of choice in uncertainty evolution borne of mistakes in replicating what has been unfaithful copying creates danger, creates possibilities creative destruction destructive creation this body is not me yet it materiality remains a mystery matter is truly dark dust the original sin of rebelling.

I'm grateful for touch a felt sense of human warmth palms, forearms, elbows glide through my aromatic oiled body letting go with each out-breath opening inviting in the other to come in feel their way through the body electric push through soften dissipate accretions of past hurt intense encounters of the unwelcome kind unexpected sudden slamming against the unbending will of the real there is healing in this wading through coming in listening to what the body is saying parallel bio networks of entelechy a push here reflects a pull there acausal synchronous they happen together not because of but with bearing the weight of squares, oppositions conjunctions of celestial spheres enjoying the ease of their sextiles trines aspects of the heavens reflected in the mundane I'm a descendant of my natal map's ascendant as above so below as inside so outside how I do one thing is how I do everything be cautious with the magic each of us holds in our bodies in our hands, in our minds, in the tiny unseen things that surround us without which we are not.

I'm grateful for double binds intractable, unsolvable, irreducible the poverty of context deprecates slip knot of Athens' pesky gnat nibbles at the adjacent possible dialogue is prologue to knowing who am I who you are us two us them, the bigger we no one's special each one ordinary yet all take part in super complex realities worlds of magic in the dreaming soaked in our bones living the thing is believing see for yourself know for yourself creation's experiment fully stacked, with a spiral movement subluxation releases, relaxes the integral embrace the dismal futomomo restraint of higher-order love archaic revival of the modern flick the switch of postmodern critique to go beyond is the Cathar's bond give my solemn word descent of sharp fiery sword systems learning to live within systems of systems of systems in paradox no other way to be but heterodox feel the base the drumbeat heartbeat rhythmic swings seasons a time for everything not to do is a doing doing is a seeing seeing is to change things the warmth of hands as I cry my heart out frustrated masculine agency nurtured by feminine generosity flight of dragons a coven of the reborn.

I'm grateful for the liminal not quite there yet but on the way terse interstices undisciplined discipline crayons crossing lines Iitany of fear feel to steer stir the pot spot stripes in savannah keep walking though I don't wanna in nook of crevasse rebirths man child ego dissolves in the vast plant medicine never mild viruses burrow in replicate with the intricate grok that which has never been beautiful whispers of the delicate matins, vespers doubt catalyses trust in prayer.

I'm grateful for focus to notice one's noticing watch the watcher spritz the spritzer one zeroed in binary thinking where's the linking? scratch the inkling catch the winking metanoia of metamoderna derivé of the derivative tournament of detournement how far is the fetched? pester the spectacle society of shiny too eager to tear down Chesterton's fence amnesia of wisdom out of sequence thirsty for tradition we've lost our way time to drop the props feel the real tearfully tear fully from fentanyl's belly calm the fury festooned hyperstimuli unwrap the rap sheet drop the bullshit escape the dreamstate surveillance state buy back shares of deep inc. unbrand our skins' ink what the squack? who's got our back my brother my sister let's not squander this life full of wonder be total move the dial no more denial.

I'm grateful for discernment to pick one from the many the magpie who sings knows which to peck on from multitudes hiding in the rich soil grass, pebbles, sticks, dried leaves petals, cap, gills, annulus, stalk the rooster knows when to crow leaves when to grow, wither, and fall panther eats enough not much more each kill with grace and elegance her movements art poetry in motion in shock prey who survive shake off freeze and flight resets unshackles free to live another day in the wild nothing left but a curiosity, innocence of child amphipathic phospholipids know which molecules of water to love, which to fear a Bene Gesserit transmutes poison with the Voice have you in her tow she senses truth like a fine tooth comb weirding way with her bare hands you she can entomb to honour mind, body, relationships, environment with utmost care presence,attention is the path meaningful desire aspiration, live at the zenith actualised potential, potentialised actual atonement at one moment at one meant the whole story happens at every moment.

I'm grateful for silent soliloquy mind traverse used, disowned, alternative futures that which aligns with survival change that is social, glacial, at times inimical what uses have we for these cosmos honours not our tenure to be in flow with what changes that is what endures step into the river one cannot twice not even once the one who steps is changing the river is changing change is changing the entangled, the entanglement, entangled-ness itself a constant in the instant reverberates, gyrates, a swish-swish in the bushes a hiding, feeling, sensing not shapes with corners but waves, curves, the softness of my woman's caress when I am not, everything is she sits on me our hearts touching we breathe when I'm out she's in when I'm in she's out up and down, down and up her breasts my groin my heart her womb circles that spiral up to heaven's delight nothing taken that is not given nothing given that is not earned she fully relaxes in wild safety of my caresses revelation, revelry in restedness spaciousness of interacting no you no I but a brief sigh together always everywhere nowhere here and there in silence eyes speak volumes every nook and cranny of bodies relating scent of honeysuckle succulent sweet tickle by the fire that burns hot brightly we shared stories, jokes, random facts, songs we reconnect with our ancestors in this land vast, wide, a valley of special secrets revealed to those who pause, listen, feel with gratitude, respect for abundance drum beats in our hearts they who came before whispers that we need at each moment not before, not after, without any superfluous comment levels of you and I kin, kindred, city, village, town & country we commune as one, a sacred bond with life that abounds, abides, becomes.

The Rational.

The Irreducible

Human Alchemy

Boundaries.

Dissolution

The Gestalt

Post-traumatic growth.

Co-dependence

The distributed.

The Human Body.

The silence in meditation.

Appreciating the ancestral.

The undivided from duality.

Voicing appreciation for the wound of separation.

Being thankful for the rigour of reduction.

Sending love back to the heart.

I answer questions about my experience of orgasmic meditation and describe a breakdown of the steps and techniques involved in the practice.

What does one feel tying or being tied by the other? How does this relate to the solitude of quarantine, spirituality and the serendipity of finding things one does no overtly seek?

Jerwin Parker Roberto & I continue our previous conversation on goalessness. This time we dive deeper on experiences of being in the no-mind, the watcher, the emptiness that can allow a melting into the ocean of infinite totality.

This is the audio of the workshop I gave the Worldwide Festival of Erotic Living 2020. You can watch the video here if you like: https://youtu.be/gBAhI3Ln3-c

We talk about the differences and nuances of setting goals, having plans, schedules compared with feeling our way through life.

I talk about (1) what do we mean by "resentment"; (2) why when we tackle our resentments we're working on clarity and not just vision, self excavation and not just direct practice; and (3) what is spiritual by-pass. I teach you the practice of Fear Inventory to help you excavate your resentments. I situate this practice within the integral model of cleaning up and how this relates to waking up (in particular spiritual bypass), growing up, and showing up. Finally, I unpack cleaning up practices like shadow work, completing the uncompleted, restoring connections, de-armouring so we can deal with our projections, pretences and defences in a healthy way.

Amy and I talk around the challenges and opportunities facing Asian men and men in general as they navigate the world of Eros.

My friend Moritz Kerkmann Hood & I work within the limitations of language to describe our experience of what is it that happens when we project away from the present moment into the past or the future, into our shadow separated from us and this idea of hope for a better future or afterlife in a linear time that may not exist outside of our own projections and hallucinations of it.

I read a poem I wrote back in July 2004 after an Inner Space Interactive Sourcing session as a client. I reflect on the joy that vulnerability brings.

This is a poem I wrote in my native tongue, Tagalog, about the feeling of being ghosted in WhatsApp by someone I fancied.

A poem I wrote back in 9 November 1997 in Makati City, Philippines. Transcript: https://liminaversity.com/that-day-i-woke-up-1.html

Part 3 of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Part 2 of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections on each paragraph of the text. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of this text.

This is the first part of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections on each paragraph of the text. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of this text.

In this episode, I recite for you a poem I wrote back in 2004. The poem was inspired by the experiences in a past life regression session I was in. Transcript & show notes: https://liminaversity.com/hades-1.html

Ashok Zaman, meditation teacher, fashion model, and Master's Degree Student in Philosophy talks about rebuilding an Ēmítuófó temple on the outskirts of Shanghai after the purge and how a regular practice from this temple led him to a peak experience. Transcript: https://liminaversity.com/rebuilding-a-temple-1.html

Megan Lambert & I talk about exemplary feminine leadership, why is there a need to teach women to be in their Feminine? and the promise that women can have it all. Transcript at: https://liminaversity.com/feminine-masculine-1.html

Scott Murden & I round out our discussion of approval by touching on the freedoms & limitations afforded to choice-making by sustainability and diversity. Transcript of this episode at: https://liminaversity.com/limits-to-choice-1.html

Camille Bataillon talks about her research on Orgasmic Meditation towards completing her Master's Degree in Sciences of Family & Sexuality. Transcript of this episode at: https://liminaversity.com/orgasmic-meditation-research-1.html