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How can life transitions make us stronger and wiser instead of just stressing us out? Dr. Jocelyn Charnas shares insights from her work in guiding couples through the wedding transition and beyond. Links: Why Stress When You Can See a Wedding Therapist? Dr. Jocelyn Charnas Full Transcript Charnas: I often use the analogy of a shopping cart. You know, when one wheel is off, the shopping cart doesn't move right, right? You're swinging to the left and you're swinging to the right... So you know, I see that as sort of a good analogy for transition. One of the wheels has shifted around. And in order to keep going in a positive direction, sometimes we've got to shift those other wheels around. Sometimes we have to change as a whole, or adapt as a whole, or adjust to get back on track. Transitions are our friends. Transitions bring us new things. Transitions can also bring  discomfort, but that discomfort offers us a chance to grow - if we are willing to let it have a seat at the table. What would happen if we embraced the discomfort, embraced the difficulty, embraced the challenge? What would it be like if all parts of us were offered a place at the table? This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Before we get started today, I want to invite you to take our listener survey. It doesn’t matter how long you've been a listener or how frequently you listen. We need your feedback to grow and improve. So please take a few minutes and visit shamepinata.com. You'll find the listener survey link right on that page. And if you like, we’ll send you a 5 minute centering meditation to thank you for your time.  Our guest today is Dr. Joceyn Charnas, a psychologist based in New York City who works with couples navigating transitions, especially the wedding transition. She explains why weddings can be so crazy-making, not only for the couple, but also for those around them. And she also shares some of the tools she offers her clients to help them stay sane and healthy during life changes. Thomas: Can you tell me a little bit about your work, sort of in broad strokes and how you touch on transition in your work? Charnas: Sure, sure. Well, I'm a clinical psychologist in private practice. I've been in practice on my own for about 10 years now. I see individual clients and I also see couples. And I have a little bit of a niche in premarital therapy. So I see a lot of clients who are engaged to be married and come to me to help them navigate and manage that transition. And, you know, being a psychologist in general, I see a lot of people in transition. In fact, that's often a sort of inflection point in terms of when people decide to come into therapy. You know, for the most part, people don't come to therapy when they're comfortable and everything's great - even though that would be wonderful and everyone could benefit from it and la la la… Most people, most… you know, typical people come in when they're when they're in distress or in discomfort. And so often distress and discomfort come around transitions, you know, life is... when life changes, that's when we struggle. So, both in my work with individuals and in my work with couples, we're spending a lot of time talking about transitions and managing those transitions, and particularly doing a lot of work around trying to reframe those transitions as opportunities for growth and for self knowledge and for evolution of the self, you know, as opposed to seeing them as roadblocks. We really try to reframe them and see them as opportunities for growth and that's a lot of the work I do. Thomas: I love it. Because I've been thinking about transitions and how... why ritual can be useful in the time of transitions and it's almost like we're programmed to be the same and when we have to change... it just throws everything out of whack and brings up all this extra stuff that we don't want. Charnas: I think that's absolutely right. The idea, as I try to help people to see, is to try to embrace that discomfort, embrace that difficulty, embrace that challenge rather than push those feelings under the rug… and because they're uncomfortable, push them underground and disavow them. I really try to work with my patients to do the best they can to embrace the changes and embrace the discomfort because I think from... in my experience, positive growth only comes from discomfort, right? We have to be in a position that's difficult for us or challenging or uncomfortable in order to change and grow. I mean, this whole concept of growing pains, I think is a true... is a truism. So, you know, to me, it's really about even though it's difficult, even though it's scary, even though it's uncertainty unknown, I really try to help people to embrace those difficult feelings because this is how we grow and this is also how we learn about ourselves. So you know, it's almost like okay, how do we take advantage of the situation instead of looking at it as a negative? Thomas: And are there tools that you share with your clients around those issues? Charnas: Yeah, there are. I mean, mostly it's about... You know, this word mindfulness is thrown around a lot and I think it's sort of become a little bit of an umbrella term. But I really honed in on the idea of mindfulness around our emotions. So I think that one really important tool that I encourage clients to try to make use of is to embrace the whole range of emotions and be mindful, be aware of what you're feeling, whether it's positive, negative, whatever it is. If we can really tune into what our emotions are, particularly in those moments of transition, those times of change or on milestones in life, whether it's having a child or getting married or graduate... college graduation is a huge one, work with a lot of clients around all of these milestones usually generate both positive and negative emotions and we're taught to really pay attention to the positive and tune out the negative. And so I really try to encourage couples and individuals to pay attention to the full spectrum and really get in there with those negative emotions because we can learn about ourselves from them and they're useful and they're as valid as the positive ones. So that that's a big one that I use, particularly with couples. Because you know, negative emotions in a couple, especially when you're preparing to get married, can be very uncomfortable. Nobody likes to feel doubt. No one wants to feel uncertain. No one wants to feel scared, but you know what? Everybody does. I haven't met anybody that's planning to get married that doesn't have, on some level, those kinds of feelings. So the idea of bringing them out, normalizing them, validating them, I found goes a really, really long way to help people. Yes! Making room for all of it. Making room for all of us. Even when transitions bring up big feelings we might not know what to do with or how to handle, we can make room for them. So then at least we just have the feelings and not an additional layer on top of the feelings telling us we shouldn't have them. I love that Jocelyn brought us to this topic, so I asked her to take us a little deeper. Thomas: Why are the negative emotions so scary? Charnas: I mean, I think nobody likes to not feel good, right? I mean, we all want to feel good. And as I said, I think there is this sort of push in this, you know… Wellness movement and positive psychology and things… You know, 100 ways to be happy and find happiness every day… And again, there’s… Those things are wonderful, okay? But they're just one side of the coin. And I think generally we're socialized away from you know… Don't cry... All the things that are connected... Don't be afraid.. All those all these things that we sort of take for granted that are sort of so much you know, like baked into the ether in terms of our emotional lives. I think that we become… You know, I call it affect-phobic. We can become afraid of our feelings, particularly the negative feelings because we are worried that they’re signals that we're making a mistake or this is wrong, or we're somehow bad or not good enough… All those things. I think those negative emotions can be signals of those sort of myths we tell ourselves. And I really again, I'm really, really… Try to work with, with individuals and with couples to be able to sit with those negative emotions, allow them to the surface, talk about them, explore them as a way to detoxify them. You know, I think so many people are afraid of anger. People are afraid of being sad. But as I said, those are on the healthy and normal range of human emotions and so we are allowed to, and should feel all of it. Well, and you know, in particular, as I said, when it comes to, to weddings, in this period of engagement, people get really frightened of uncertainty and doubt, you know, this myth that we're supposed to be sure and, you know, so many of these myths around weddings... Happiest day of our life myth, all of these things They really push us into a corner of the way we're supposed to feel. And if we don't feel that way, then we again go back to the broken record of what's wrong with me? You know, is this a mistake? What's wrong with my partner? And that, you know, rarely does that. Take us Good place. Right? Thomas: Right.  Charnas: Right? I mean, that's, that's that's rarely a good thing. Thomas: And all of that is, is amplified by the people around us, you know, our mother, our sister, our aunt… often the women, you know, who have their own stuff. Charnas: I think that's right. You know, as I said, I think that I think those messages are typically well-meaning and I don't think there's negative intention behind those messages that people that love us want us to be sure and want us to be happy and want us to make good decisions. But I think it's more complicated than that. And it's less black and white than that. As I said, I really... I don't know any couple that has ever stood on the precipice of marriage, which is supposed to be, we hope, a lifetime commitment, and not felt some uncertainty and not had moments of doubt. I mean, those things are healthy and normal in a thinking, functional brain. Weddings have been fascinating me this year in terms of their potency. I mean, there's so much happening on so many levels, but at the same time, it's just a wedding. I took this opportunity to ask Jocelyn what is actually happening at a wedding. Charnas: Weddings are amazing, right? They're... they're this very interesting amalgam of all of the things that are complicated and challenging and evocative and emotionally loaded, right? They have this amazing ability to tap into, kick up, stir up some really intense dynamics, right? Because think about, think about all that a wedding and a marriage entails. It's love, its money, it's family, its identity, it's transition, it's appearance, its expectations... It's all of these things sort of wrapped up into one intense moment. And I think that as a result of that, people react very strongly to those things… And look, understandably so. Right? Those are the things in life that do kick up the most emotion. So I think that the wedding is sort of at the crossroads of all of these things. And as such, they really have an ability to sort of shine a very bright hot… white hot spotlight on the things in life that we kind of struggle with as humans anyway. You know, I sort of came to this work because of my own experiences and also sort of observing and witnessing people in my life around this time... a lot of friends getting married... and colleagues and all of that, and sort of starting to see that, oh, this makes everybody crazy. And yes, it makes everybody crazy in their own special, unique way. But this seems to make a sane person crazy. And so what is going on here? So I started to think about this as something that needs to be addressed and needs to be normalized and validated in a way that I really didn't find it was being talked about. I mean, when I was preparing to get married myself, I remember looking through, you know, a stack of wedding magazines. And I remember just sort of flipping through them. And there was no reference at all in probably 800 pages of bridal magazines about the emotional impact of getting married. There was, you know, 800 pages on flowers, but not a blurb on, “Oh, do you feel crazy? Are you nervous? You know, you're normal or you're not alone.” There was none of that. And I thought, gee, this is a real sort of hole in the market here real gap where people are given guidance on everything from what, you know, what color pale pink your nail should be, but nobody was talking about how you feel. So I really sort of threw myself into working with couples and to put myself out there as a touchstone to help couples try to navigate this, this time that's both difficult and also a tremendous opportunity to work on the foundation, to build tools for marriage... because a wedding is not the end the wedding as some people see it as the end. It's just the beginning. It's just it's just the beginning of the whole relationship of the marriage. Getting couples in my office for this period of time when they're sort of embarking on this transition, helping them to see it as normal and healthy that this is... this is a difficult time and to start working on the skills that make for a good marriage. Thomas: Hmm, yeah, that's wonderful. Yeah, I can, I can totally relate to that, that it's like, “Hey, we're done. We got through this big thing!”  Charnas: Everybody's planning that you do nothing for a year plan for this party, right? And then the party comes and goes and that's lovely. But then what, right? And that's something I really that's sort of one of my basic tenets of the work I do is okay. The wedding is important, and it's and it's a symbol and it's a ceremony and it's meaningful and all of that, absolutely. But we cannot only focus on this, we have to be able to pay attention to the marriage, what the wedding symbolizes which is the beginning of a marriage and the relationship and the partnership. And so I really, really work with couples to try to shift their focus to the wedding as the beginning to the wedding as a symbol and then get into what are our expectations of marriage? What our expectations of family life and lifestyle and you know, partnership and... because that's really that's the meat of it, that's the important stuff. The wedding is just it's just a symbol. And look, at and... it's everything is easy, it's easy to get lost in it right I mean, I it was easy for me to it's easy to to to focus on the details, you know, get very, very caught up in the details of the wedding. We all do and I think we all fall victim to that. But if we lose sight of the bigger picture, I think we lose... an opportunity is lost. Thomas: Yeah, definitely. Touching more on the idea of the big picture, I asked Jocelyn how the other family members come into play. What might they be feeling? Because by creating a new family unit, the couple are separating from their family of origin and that brings up stuff for everybody. Charnas: That's a huge, huge, huge part of it, in my experience and working with couples. And it's not just weddings, it's, it's... with any real significant transition in life, it often entails a redefining of the relationships in our lives, right? We grow up, we graduate from school, and that might change our relationship a little bit with our parents. We have children, we get married, all these things, they require a little bit of a redefining of the existing relationships in our lives. And again, that is not always easy, but it's an opportunity to sort of embrace that transition and maybe let your parents know that you need to be treated as an adult now, just as an example, or that you're going to be making decisions that maybe are different from the decisions that they might have made. So dealing with the sort of family around us, you know, I think of... I think often use the sort of analogy of the couples that if this is an atom, the couple is the nucleus and and the people in their lives are the protons and neutrons, whatever it is… Don't quote me on the science of that… But you know what I mean… the surrounding, you know, the sun versus the rest of the planets. So, I think that we first have to focus on the strength of the relationship and the couple is the nucleus. The couple of the most important thing. But we do have to take into account the other people in our lives that we love, because this is happening to them too, right? For the mother of the bride, her daughter is getting married, that's a meaningful moment. Or for our best friend or brother or father… You know...or for a child sometime watching their parents get remarried. I mean, these are life changing situations, not just for us, but for the people around us. And I think to find that line where we are not being completely driven by the desire to please those people around us because that's not good either. But where we can see our partnership as the center but also pay attention and be sensitive to the people... to the needs and the desires of the people around us and recognizing that this is change and transition for them too. I think that's really important and it's sort of a balance to strike. Thomas:  When I was recording the trailer for the series, I had a story popped back in my head, which I shared atthe beginning of that... which is that my mother's a very forceful person, but she's always also very gentle. She's just like, forceful underneath. You know, you don't normally see that… like unless she really... Charnas: Unless she has to pull it out? Thomas: Yeah, exactly!  And so we literally got married and then walked out of the room and we're in the, like, the hallway outside for like... I don't know, maybe three minutes with, you know... hugging and kissing. Like, as like now we're married, and we're bonding for like three minutes. And my friend kept knocking on the door. And we were like, “Wow, what, dude, like three minutes, you know?” And he was like, “Your mom wants to see you.” And I was like, I was like, “No, I'm sorry. But no, not for three minutes. Just no, no right now!” And then... and then he came back and he's like, “She really wants to see you.” And he told me later that he said something like, you know, “Hey, do you need anything?” And she's like, “Yeah, I need Colleen.” And then... and then he like went back over and he's like, “Sorry, she's... she's not available.” Right? And she's like, “No, I need Colleen.” And I'm just like, “Oh, God!” And I asked her later... I said, “Gosh, what did you need?” You know, she's like, “Oh, I don't know.” Charnas: And there you go, right. I mean, everybody's gonna, everybody's gonna be themselves. I'm laughing because my mother... the same thing happened to me basically. We were up in the hotel room for the two minutes between the ceremony and the party, and my mother came into touch with her makeup. I was like “Really, really? There wasn't anywhere else you could come to touch up your makeup, really?” So... so I can... I can empathize with that. And I'm sure everyone in these stories is well intended, but the thing is, it's something to navigate, it's not easy. And you know, in those moments, maybe both of our mothers, whether they were conscious of it or not, were experiencing that... those pangs of loss, or those fears of loss. In our better moments, our best selves can be both firm and setting boundaries but also sensitive to that, which is not always easy. Thomas: Yeah. I'm so glad that you're here and you're doing your work and, and everybody gets to benefit from it including people like me who just get to talk to you for 20 minutes.  Charnas: Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Dr. Jocelyn Charnas is a clinical psychologist based in New York City. She works with individuals and couples in all phases of relationship. She was featured in Newsday and New York Weddings for her work with engaged couples - work that has earned her the title, "The Wedding Doctor." Our music is by Terry Hughes. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast player to be notified when new episodes are released. Learn more at shamepinata.com. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

We should take after Thomas? Why are the disciples afraid? How does Jesus actually give peace? This week, both of Luther House of Study’s co-directors, Sarah Stenson and Dr. Chris Croghan, join the podcast to talk about the passage right after Jesus’ resurrection where he breaks into the locked room where the disciples are hiding and addresses a doubting Thomas. You’ll hear Adam, Kiri, and Mason ask questions like: -What is the office of the keys? -Why is Thomas’ doubt not a weakness? -What’s the difference between forgiving and retaining sin? Support the show (https://www.lutherhouseofstudy.org/donate)

If you and your partner are arguing more as you approach your wedding, there’s nothing wrong with you. There's also nothing wrong with asking for support. Landis Bejar shares how Aisle Talk in New York City is making therapy a shame-free option for couples approaching the big day. Music by Terry Hughes Inspired to create something for yourself? Visit https://ever-changing.net/ Links: Aisle Talk: https://www.aisle-talk.com Why Stress When You Can See a Wedding Therapist (NYT): https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/03/fashion/weddings/why-stress-when-you-can-see-a-wedding-therapist.html Growing in Faith Group to Celebrate B'Not Mitzvah (Augusta Chronicle): https://www.augustachronicle.com/lifestyle/20200214/growing-in-faith-group-to-celebrate-bnot-mitzvah ----------- Full Transcript Bejar: Why do we need this? We're getting married. We're... you know, it's so early for us to be reaching out for ... people think of couples therapy as being the last straw or the rock bottom or something like that Landis Bejar has a job you may not have ever heard of before. She is a wedding therapist. In her room, individuals and couples plan for the big day by setting goals and processing the experience of the transition. Her blog offers tips on wedding therapy themes such as defending something you never meant to defend. Join me for a conversation with Landis Bejar. This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Today we're exploring the idea of wedding therapy. Did you know that wedding therapists are a thing? I had no idea until I read an article by Alyson Krueger in the The New York Times called "Why Stress When You Can See a Wedding Therapist." I learned that there are therapists who not only specialize in life transitions but that some specialize in weddings specifically. Landis Bejar is one of those therapists. She's a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and she started her own practice called Aisle Talk two years ago in New York City. In addition to the New York Times, Aisle Talk has been featured in Brides magazine, Business Insider and The Atlantic. Landis is super personable and passionate about her work. She walked me though how Aisle Talk came to be and answered my questions about what makes weddings such a potent time for everyone involved. She is also a big proponent of removing the stigma from therapy. She regularly attends bridal fairs to get her work out into the world, bring it out of the shadows, and make it a shame-free option for couples. She stresses that there's nothing wrong with you if you are your partner are arguing a bit more as you approach the wedding, or if you communication isn't quote-unquote perfect. You're actually doing a monumental thing in rearranging your own life and potentially the lives of your family. Landis shared with me the moment the idea for her practice was born. Bejar: The sort of aha moment came up in the midst of an argument in a bridal dress salon between my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was trying on dresses. My mother-in-law was commenting on how she looked in them. And I was sort of there for moral support. And my mother-in-law said something that did not sit well with my sister in law about how a certain dress fit and that sparked an argument between the two of them. So I sort of as the, you know, off duty therapist in the room said something to sort of smooth things over and kind of join them together and let each, essentially let each of them feel heard, which is a lot of what we do and family therapy, and kind of realized that, you know, this was not intended to be hurtful It was not intended to, you know, be taken in the way that it was and sort of got everyone on the same page. And in the wake of that, my mother-in-law sort of jokingly commented, "Good thing that we brought the therapist along. How come you're not a bridal therapist?" Which I thought at first was very funny. And a lot of people have made comments like that to me over my career, with a different specialties, whatever it was I was doing at the time, whether it was I was, you know, holding a baby or playing with an animal or something like that. "You should be a baby therapist...You should be a dog therapist." different things of that nature. But there was something about this comment where I sort of did have one of those aha moments. And I said, wait a second, does that exist? Because I've been a bride before and I know that there's lots of psychological and dynamic pieces that are involved in planning a wedding and thinking about getting married and there should be bridal therapists. So that was kind of moment where I started thinking about this as an actual business and some work that I could be good at. Thomas: Why is it that the deep-rooted family problems can come out of the woodwork at weddings? Bejar: First of all, like weddings are not new, even though the way in which we might experience them feels like it's ever changing and ever evolving. It's a really long standing tradition. And so I think that with that comes lots of ways to interpret that tradition and that can be just very different in one family to another. It can be really different from one individual to another and it can be really, really different from one couple as compared to each of their family of origin. So we have this thing that like has been around for so long, but everybody interprets it differently. And so I think that that's one set of circumstances that sort of informs, you know, how that can cause some some family issues to arise along that, along that plain, you know, weddings are also culturally informed. So there's cultural expectations, there's generational expectations about how this milestone is recognized. And it's a milestone not only for an individual person, and not only for a couple, but many view it as a milestone for our family. So I'm kind of, you know, those I feel like those two things are like a venn diagram where there's separate things and then overlapping things. And then on top of that, it's a marker of time. You know, and with any sort of marker of time or what I call in my work, life transition, all kinds of stress comes up because as we mark time, and as we move from one life state to another through a life transition, we ostensibly are grieving the previous state in order to make space for the new state. And that can be challenging both for the person who's moving through it and the people surrounding that person. So if we remove ourselves from the wedding example, we have like a mom sending her five year old to kindergarten, a mom might cry. And it's not because she doesn't she's not happy that her child is ready for the next step in their life that she might be grieving those toddler years or those years where she spent more time with the child and now is kind of watching them gain their independence and moving into this next state. And same reason why we cry at graduations, you know, and you know all of those things, so that comes up during weddings as well. And the other thing that I would say is that like, there's a lot of pressure for this to be the happiest day of your life. And so when you have all of these other sort of variables coming up that would naturally challenge our emotions and psychological states and family dynamics, the first sign of distress feels really upsetting and maybe extra upsetting because of the pressure that we're all supposed to be so happy. And I think that that kind of creates a little bit of a pressure cooker for some of these things to come out in really aggressive ways that we're not expecting. Thomas: You had spoken before about the taboo of therapy. It sounds like you, you address that in your work. Bejar: I do try to address that in my work first by acknowledging how hard it might be for somebody to reach out to me. And also to make my practice one that is trying to sort of in its presentation and where we show up, whether it's a bridal show or a workshop or you know something like that, but just in by by showing up and not being sort of in the dark corners of the internet, we're modeling that it's okay to seek out therapy. It's okay to seek out therapy during this time, and things like that. Thomas: That's wonderful. And specifically, how does that taboo relate to folks are planning to get married? Bejar: Yeah, I think that I think it's like that image of like, if somebody is sort of operating either consciously or unconsciously from this place that there is a taboo around therapy, then people might relate to either themselves, or maybe the perception of others that if you're going to therapy, you have hit rock bottom or things are really dire or things are really terrible. So, if one or more of the partners is operating under that assumption or they feel like people around them are operating under that assumption, that can be really disheartening to think that you've hit rock bottom when you're just about to get married, which is certainly not true, not true most of the time, of course, could be true, I'm sure in many cases, but it's not a requisite to seeking out therapy. Thomas: Are you putting that message out there to help combat the taboo of therapy around the couples that are getting married in some way? Bejar: Yeah, I think that in a like you know wider brushstroke when we're talking to like more people like then we're doing it sort of inherently in our actions rather than our words, right? So like showing up at an expo and being like, you know, at a table in between your, you know, the personal trainers and the bridesmaids dresses and the make up artist, is like your wedding therapist. I think that showing up in that way is our sort of like walking the walk rather than talking the talk is like we don't feel ashamed about it. We want to tell you what we're here for. We want to tell you the things that are very common to experience during your wedding planning and if that relates to you, come on over like we are here to support you during this process. And I think that is sort of like our, our walking the walk of de-stigmatizing therapy to not sort of be in the closets and in the shadows and be very present amongst the people the other people who help you with your wedding planners or your you know, all the things that you do as you're preparing to get to get married. And then maybe more on a micro level is when we're working with people, that's the first thing that we're addressing. We're saying, you know, it's really hard, you know, we're seeing how hard it is in the midst of whether it's our own personal stigma that we carry, or just societal societal stigma, we're acknowledging how powerful it is that they're seeking, seeking support in spite of that and normalizing for so many people that this is so common, and it happens so often, and there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing pathological about you because you're arguing a little bit more during this time or you're having difficulty with communication. You're collaborating on a big event together, not just the two of you but also incorporating the needs and wishes of your two families and trying to strike a balance between that. And you're on the precipice of committing to a life together and there's a lot of pressure in that. You know, and you're mourning, maybe a loss of your singlehood, which nobody wants to talk about. So we're really doing a lot to sort of normalize that experience and the stress that inherently comes with that. Thomas: What is the experience like for you, when you're at the bridal fairs? How to couples relate to you? Bejar: It's interesting, I think that like I do notice a difference between... like kind of across generations. So I noticed that some of the moms in the group or some of the maybe older generations will have, will have like, definitely some humorous reactions. I've definitely had like some older folks come by and just say, you know, kind of like laugh or giggle or say, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe... They think of everything lately!" Which is totally true and I totally I acknowledge that but I also think that in that is maybe layered with some discomfort perhaps with the idea of seeking therapy for all of these different reasons. But by and large, the reaction is, "Oh my god that is so needed. What a great business!" A lot of times we have people who are stopping by who maybe are accompanying a bride and they say, "Oh my gosh, what I would have given for this during my wedding planning!" or "My family needed this so much," or reactions like that. And then the other reactions are from the other vendors who have probably subbed in as surrogate therapists or just support people as they've been closer to the stress up until this point and wedding history and have taken on the brunt of, you know, family feuds or emotional breakdowns or things like that. And they're oftentimes the most supportive of this mission because that's not what they are contracted to do necessarily, or what they feel comfortable with, or what they're trained for any of those things. Right. So how cool would it be to actually have a trained therapist on staff, if you will, to help you navigate the stresses of the ceremony - not only your stresses, but those that might be coming up from the folks around you? I'm hoping this wedding therapy idea is one that catches on. May we all have all the support and witnessing we need as we go through our life transitions. Thomas: So on the show, we talk a lot about life transitions, and we've been focused on creating rites of passage for those as, as we feel called to do that, whatever we feel that urgency when something is really intense, and we, we really want to honor a transition with ceremony. And we also talk about rites of passage that we had, that we had in our life or that we wished we'd had in our life. And so I'm curious if there are any transitions in your life that you wish you could have had a rite of passage for. Bejar: Yeah, I don't know if I've ever really like articulated this. But when I was in like, middle school time, so like seventh eighth grade, I had a lot of friends who were having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. And I think, for me as someone who has one Jewish parent but wasn't raised with any sort of formal religion in my family growing up, it was a time where I sort of long to be part of something a little bit more structured and I saw my friends kind of going through that rite of passage and all that comes with it. It's not just a day but it's, you know, years of practice and study and understanding and sacrifice in terms of like, the time and the energy and when you're, you know, a really young person, and you're often working on like a special philanthropic project, you're learning a new language, you're sort of performing that new language in front of other people, you're interpreting it, you're doing a lot of things that probably at the time I was like, interested in certain aspects, but as I've gotten older, I'm think it's really interesting, sort of rite of passage for a very young person and like, tasked with a lot of responsibility. Then I guess 10-15 years later, I was, you know, thinking about getting married to my partner and my person who I found and I was marrying somebody who is Jewish and who longed for a partner who was Jewish and might have converted or being if they weren't already either converted, or in my case sort of affirm their Jewish identity and gone through a process of like, doing that so that we could, you know, raise a Jewish family and things that I probably wasn't able to do without having the Jewish upbringing and just having my one Jewish parent. So, I think that, you know, that was a very special time for me going through that process before getting married. And they think that it's really interesting that as you asked me this question, the rite of passage of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah that I am immediately think of feels very, feels like it fits really well because ultimately, like I did sort of go through this conversion or affirmation of my Jewish identity that has been very important to me. And I feel like as a part of that work that I did when I was an adult, I reflected on many moments in my life where I longed for like being more a part of that community and I feel like as a part of getting married, I got to do that in a more formal way that I had longed for as an individual and then kind of gone through a process in my, you know, planning to get married. Thomas: So you went through the Bat Mitzvah process, but when you were older? Bejar: It was a conversion process. It was different than the Bat Mitzvah, but it feels like it feels very relevant that I guess that was something that I longed for, and later sort of affirmed my Jewish identity in a different way and sort of this adult way, which you can have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah at any age, and it's something that I kind of think about but it is actually quite more involved than the conversion - which is are already very involved, it's like a year long process - but the Bat Mitzvah... which is like amazing, because this is something that I try to wrap my mind around doing now and and like, you know, 12 and 13 year-olds are doing it at that age and I feel even more impressed by it now as an adult. But yeah, it’s still something I think about doing today but haven't. But I feel like it just fits in with the sort of this path that I sort of took on a little bit later in life. Thomas: There was actually an article in the Austin Chronicle this week about women in the fullness of their womanhood, no longer, you know, pre-teens and teenagers who are going through kind of a Bat Mitzvah experience. They call it a B'Not Mitzvah. Bejar: Oh, that’s cute! That's so cute. Well, when I was doing my conversion classes, there was actually a class there was simultaneously going on in the synagogue which was women who were, you know, fully in their womanhood, not teenagers or pre-teens, and they were all doing a Bat Mitzvah class together. And so I was in my class over here which was different, but I would sort of look over and say that would be something that I do you later on down the road. Thomas: Yeah well, thank you so much for this conversation it’s been so inspiring to talk with you today. Bejar: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to talk about these things. I feel like things are all things that I love to talk about and I love to reflect on and are so important to me. And I love the kind of context of really focusing in on the transition of the ritual and how that is impacted by all things that, you know, my specific work is impacted by in terms of stigma and pressure and all of those things, so I really appreciate the opportunity to talk with you. Landis Bejar is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice in New York City. Her practice is called Aisle Talk. Aisle talk focuses on helping individuals and couples cope through the stresses of planning a wedding and getting married through therapy and counseling. Learn more at https://www.aisle-talk.com. That's aisle DASH talk.com. Our music is by Terry Hughes. If you like the show, we'd love it if you'd share it with a friend. Learn more at shamepinata.com. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

Baked and Awake Episode 55 Intro to Nag Hammadi Library   Disclaimer: Slightly raunchy Promos aside, the Baked and Awake show isn’t super explicit, but we do smoke weed on the show.  Find our show on damagedgoodsinc.com. Support the show on Patreon if you want. Email me and visit my website, bakedandawake.com Thanks to my Patreon Supporters including Bones and Tubs, and TopTree, for their continued support of the Podcast. International Business Exchange w Josh Kinkade- Sept 24th in DT Seattle Pet Overload and Blue Pearl Animal Hospital- Thank you for caring for our little Birdie. Rest in Peace Ceelo- we hardly knew you but you were loved Intro to the Nag Hammadi Library   From Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nag_Hammadi_library   Notes on Sources, Translation, and Interpretation of the referenced Gospel of Thomas: Why do I care? Do I agree? Do I believe? Does that matter? Read it yourself. Listen to it, or read more than once. These gospels remind me personally in a number of ways, of the Tao Te Ching.  Some key passages, statements red awkwardly, or troublesome. The text is incomplete, multiple translations do exist, personal insight may be greater. Is Jesus a historical figure, or a character created out of whole cloth, raised to the status of a myth, and finally the Godhead, all in the service of a re branded version of a belief system older than civilization itself? Today we will read about the discovery of these incredible, 3rd to 4th Century texts, written on papyrus and stored, hidden in a cave in an earthen jar for all these thousands of years until their discovery, finally, in the early 20th Century- but even then not without drama, damage, and loss. From there, I will introduce you to the first 33 sayings in The Gospel of Thomas, said to be direct sayings of Jesus of Nazareth himself. If you enjoy this episode, and I’ll know by the download numbers, I may read the remaining 70 odd sayings, completing the text, on the next episode of the podcast.   The Nag Hammadi Library The Gospel of Thomas   Translated by Thomas O. Lambdin (Visit the Gospel of Thomas Collection for additional information and other translations) _____________________________________   These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke and which Didymos Judas Thomas wrote down. (1) And he said, "Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death." (2) Jesus said, "Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All." (3) Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty." (4) Jesus said, "The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of life, and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same." (5) Jesus said, "Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you . For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest." (6) His disciples questioned him and said to him, "Do you want us to fast? How shall we pray? Shall we give alms? What diet shall we observe?" Jesus said, "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." (7) Jesus said, "Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man." (8) And he said, "The man is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear." (9) Jesus said, "Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed(s) and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and it produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure." (10) Jesus said, "I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes." (11) Jesus said, "This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die. In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do?" (12) The disciples said to Jesus, "We know that you will depart from us. Who is to be our leader?" Jesus said to them, "Wherever you are, you are to go to James the righteous, for whose sake heaven and earth came into being." (13) Jesus said to his disciples, "Compare me to someone and tell me whom I am like." Simon Peter said to him, "You are like a righteous angel." Matthew said to him, "You are like a wise philosopher." Thomas said to him, "Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom you are like." Jesus said, "I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated from the bubbling spring which I have measured out." And he took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, "What did Jesus say to you?" Thomas said to them, "If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up." (14) Jesus said to them, "If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth - it is that which will defile you." (15) Jesus said, "When you see one who was not born of woman, prostrate yourselves on your faces and worship him. That one is your father." (16) Jesus said, "Men think, perhaps, that it is peace which I have come to cast upon the world. They do not know that it is dissension which I have come to cast upon the earth: fire, sword, and war. For there will be five in a house: three will be against two, and two against three, the father against the son, and the son against the father. And they will stand solitary." (17) Jesus said, "I shall give you what no eye has seen and what no ear has heard and what no hand has touched and what has never occurred to the human mind." (18) The disciples said to Jesus, "Tell us how our end will be." Jesus said, "Have you discovered, then, the beginning, that you look for the end? For where the beginning is, there will the end be. Blessed is he who will take his place in the beginning; he will know the end and will not experience death." (19) Jesus said, "Blessed is he who came into being before he came into being. If you become my disciples and listen to my words, these stones will minister to you. For there are five trees for you in Paradise which remain undisturbed summer and winter and whose leaves do not fall. Whoever becomes acquainted with them will not experience death." (20) The disciples said to Jesus, "Tell us what the kingdom of heaven is like." He said to them, "It is like a mustard seed. It is the smallest of all seeds. But when it falls on tilled soil, it produces a great plant and becomes a shelter for birds of the sky." (21) Mary said to Jesus, "Whom are your disciples like?" He said, "They are like children who have settled in a field which is not theirs. When the owners of the field come, they will say, 'Let us have back our field.' They (will) undress in their presence in order to let them have back their field and to give it back to them. Therefore I say, if the owner of a house knows that the thief is coming, he will begin his vigil before he comes and will not let him dig through into his house of his domain to carry away his goods. You, then, be on your guard against the world. Arm yourselves with great strength lest the robbers find a way to come to you, for the difficulty which you expect will (surely) materialize. Let there be among you a man of understanding. When the grain ripened, he came quickly with his sickle in his hand and reaped it. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear." (22) Jesus saw infants being suckled. He said to his disciples, "These infants being suckled are like those who enter the kingdom." They said to him, "Shall we then, as children, enter the kingdom?" Jesus said to them, "When you make the two one, and when you make the inside like the outside and the outside like the inside, and the above like the below, and when you make the male and the female one and the same, so that the male not be male nor the female female; and when you fashion eyes in the place of an eye, and a hand in place of a hand, and a foot in place of a foot, and a likeness in place of a likeness; then will you enter the kingdom." (23) Jesus said, "I shall choose you, one out of a thousand, and two out of ten thousand, and they shall stand as a single one." (24) His disciples said to him, "Show us the place where you are, since it is necessary for us to seek it." He said to them, "Whoever has ears, let him hear. There is light within a man of light, and he lights up the whole world. If he does not shine, he is darkness." (25) Jesus said, "Love your brother like your soul, guard him like the pupil of your eye." (26) Jesus said, "You see the mote in your brother's eye, but you do not see the beam in your own eye. When you cast the beam out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to cast the mote from your brother's eye." (27) "If you do not fast as regards the world, you will not find the kingdom. If you do not observe the Sabbath as a Sabbath, you will not see the father." (28) Jesus said, "I took my place in the midst of the world, and I appeared to them in flesh. I found all of them intoxicated; I found none of them thirsty. And my soul became afflicted for the sons of men, because they are blind in their hearts and do not have sight; for empty they came into the world, and empty too they seek to leave the world. But for the moment they are intoxicated. When they shake off their wine, then they will repent." (29) Jesus said, "If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty." (30) Jesus said, "Where there are three gods, they are gods. Where there are two or one, I am with him." (31) Jesus said, "No prophet is accepted in his own village; no physician heals those who know him." (32) Jesus said, "A city being built on a high mountain and fortified cannot fall, nor can it be hidden." (33) Jesus said, "Preach from your housetops that which you will hear in your ear. For no one lights a lamp and puts it under a bushel, nor does he put it in a hidden place, but rather he sets it on a lampstand so that everyone who enters and leaves will see its light."   NEXT TIME: Respect my Region neighborhood cleanup- Central District Facebook Hacked again FB Abusing two part authentication DEA reschedules CBD?  Not exactly..   Finally, if you’re listening to this podcast, and you’ve made it this far, this is a message for anyone in my audience who works for an I-502 retailer anywhere in WA State.  The Garden I serve as Director of Sales for, Tier III Producer Processor Weed Plus Tacoma, is actively looking for accounts. This is a straight up appeal to those of you who are Budtenders, Retail Managers, Business Owners, or friends of any of those people- to PLEASE get in touch with me, as we are having a very challenging time acquiring new stores. I welcome your tips, leads on shops to contact, or to deliver samples to. I know our flower is good, and our prices are competitive, but we need your help to get this new brand of Weed Plus off the ground. Please reach out to me personally at info@weedplustacoma.com, and thank you for listening to this message.   Our Website: www.bakedandawake.com   Email: talktous@bakedandawake   Rss: http://bakedandawake.libsyn.com/rss   Libsyn Podcast Page: http://bakedandawake.libsyn.com/   Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/bakedandawakepodcast   Twitter:  https://twitter.com/stevecominski (@baked_and_awake)   Insta: https://www.instagram.com/baked_and_awake/   Teepublic: https://www.teepublic.com/user/bakedandawake   Episode ambient Music generously provided by Antti Luode, as posted to reddit:   https://www.reddit.com/r/gamedev/comments/6y699a/i_have_released_my_1363_songs_free_under_creative/   @baked_and_awake @daddyissuezshow @damagedgoodstheshow @claymiles #bakedandawakeshow #smokeindicadoshitanyway #podcastbuildersleague #damagedgoodsnetwork #daddyissuez #Shade #LilyBongwater #sexy #listen #subscribe #laugh #nofilter #noboundaries #nosafewords #trypod #PodernFamily #DGN #comedy #entertainment #explicit #damagedgoodstheshow #BetaTesting #mattungermah #claytimeinthebasement #thc #GoldenGod #sithlord #fireballjesus #startedfromthebottom #newDaddyissuez.libsyn.comDamagedgoods.libsyn.comClaytimeinthebasement.libsyn.com https://ntspodcast.podbean.com/ Www.Damagedgoodsinc.com

How can I avoid being a doubting Thomas? Why did Thomas doubt? How did Jesus help Thomas overcome his doubt?

Jesus showed His scars to Thomas - Why?...to release Faith + Service. John 20:28