Airshipwrecked with Captain Proctor

Things get trippy when the Captain talks about Pink Elephants On Parade, 2001: A Space Odyssey and  Psychedelic Steampunk band Jonny Squid.            ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The show has returned, hopefully it will come out more frequently now. This christmas special is a little late, but you wouldn't have listened to it until after christmas anyway. Don't forget to check out the captain's web series's christmas special as well: http://blip.tv/m4/5-happy-christmanukkahdanzaa-6465543         ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

After the Captain's failed attempt to remove everything not steampunk about himself (28: You Can Jekyll but you can't Hyde) he and Jack Yackly attempt to go back in time and kill people who made the world not steampunk as it should be.                 ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain will end the controversy and discover how time really began!            ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

As always, the title is in Caps because this episode has a very special guest, Lucy F. Tennyson. The Captain, Ms. Tennyson and Mr. Rotcorp discuss the deep philosophical meaning of that classic song "Gangham Style" (Whippet Gundam Style). ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

He's back.         -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

This is definitely not a filler episode. It is actually part of the overall storyline, and it will make sense eventually, through some convoluted tie in at the end of the series, which at the moment has no end, just like this sentence (unless you stop listening), so we're all good!                     -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

As usual, the show title is in caps because there is a guest on. And there are moles in this show.

Hydrogen Skyline will be performing with Abney Park in Denver, August 5th. That means that the Captain MUST GO!          -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Just another show where the Captain rants about physics and surrealist movies.             -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

And he did it again! This version really should work, and hopefully this whole mess won't happen again. It is an awesome episode, so don't give up. The long awaited return of the Captain's most popular guest. For new listeners, the shows with their names in all uppercase letters like this one have guest stars. That way, if you like the shows with guests, you can easily go through the list and download them.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Why is this episode named Apocalypse Cow? Because it wants to be.                 -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

And again. Now the Captain discusses his favorite surreal film and reads a ridiculously long letter from Veronique Chevalier. Oh, and JOIN GOOGLE+ SO YOU CAN FOLLOW HIM! Facebook is going down after all.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain interviews Unwoman and plays much of her awesome Electronic/Cello music.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Lots of stuff happens and the captain tries some new weird things. Of course, it isn't normal, why would it be?-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

And now...the show will never be the same again!-ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Well, since the captain hasn't been able to come out with regular shows as he attempts to reinvigorate the podcast, here's a random story he wrote:SeweratBy London Homer-WambeamFor every child lost in the city, a Sewerat was born. If you talked to any person walking the city streets, they would deny the stories everyone knows, but they would be lying if they said they didn’t believe them. No one denies the children are taken. The elephant in the room is that the children are taken to the sewers.*** Rachvis Obolis was retiring later then she would have liked. The real brutes of the Obolis pack sometimes retired as early as ten years old, but Rachvis had stalled, and was only now getting to her #8 and she was already fifteen. The Sewerats are given eight tasks. The more tasks they have completed the more respected they become, and once they have finished all eight of them, they are allowed to leave the sewers. The Ratmaster told her she was lazy, but she preferred being called lazy to a coward, which was what she really was.  She rested for a few moments in her pipe which served as her bed and then slid out into the main sleeping area, stepping around other pipes as she tied back her forever matted hair. Her shoes scraped softly through the grit on the concrete floor, as she tried not to wake the others. Never her friends, just the others. Rachvis was still tugging at her tangled hair as she stepped into the flickering lights of the connecting tunnel. Thankfully, the sleeping area was far away from the smell of the sewers, at least, as far away as you could be under the city. Rachvis reached the door of the Ratmaster and knocked. Now that she was a #8 she could talk to the strange old man directly. Inside, a man in his thirties sat behind a desk, staring hard at a spot somewhere above Rachvis’ head. Rachvis always felt he had a particular dislike of her. When she stepped closer his eyes snapped to her face and he opened his mouth to talk. A raspy sound came from his throat and he cleared it loudly.  “Yes, Rachvis, right? I know you know what’s next. Just get a kid and bring it back. I would suggest starting in the tramstops. Lots of folks out in the open there.”  Rachvis looked at her muck covered shoes, “Sir, I know you don’t usually make exceptions, but isn’t it just wrong to steal children? We are above quota this month anyhow. Maybe I could just, you know, leave early?” “I never make exceptions, girl. Get a child, bring it back, then you leave. Got me? Any kid’ll do, hell, have it yourself for all I care! But do it fast unless you want to end up like old Gernonon. Actually, I’m sure he would be happy to have the company of another old rat. Get out of my office, and don’t come back until you have the kid.” Rachvis started to speak but the Ratmaster pointed forcefully at the door. She left the office and walked towards the nearest tram stop. She climbed down a ladder, slid aside a metal sheet and carefully stuck her head down first to make sure there wasn’t a tram coming, then lowered herself down until her feet found the ceiling rungs and climbed across the ceiling and down the side of the tunnel. Rachvis slipped into an inset in the wall and waited. The noise of the underground tramstop echoed down the tunnel from her left, and she supposed she could go over there, but it was a popular station and there might be Suits there to get her. She would tramsnatch a few stops instead and get to a shabbier stop. A tram started to approach the station and the pebbles on the ground started shaking and the tracks vibrated. The tram came to a screeching halt at the station and The passengers shoes clanged loudly on the threshold as they boarded. “Doors closing...please stand back” came the machine voice, and the engines started to wine again. Bright lights hit Rachvis in the face and the tram rounded the corner, steadily building speed. Rachvis waited until the gap had reached the nearest pipe and she leaped, landing in the gap between two cars.  She stopped to catch her breath, peering into the car. Two small children stared back. This was her chance. She reached for the door handle and stopped. She peeked inside the car again. The children looked at her innocently. One of them laughed at something the other said and they both grinned at her. Next to them sat a woman who must have been their mother. The woman did not see Rachvis but faced forward, slowly brushing her child’s hair. Did Rachvis have a mother once who petted her hair? Maybe siblings, too? It wasn’t fair. Why should these children be so lucky as to grow up with a caring mother and she lived beneath the sewers her whole life? If she had to ruin one of their childhoods to save the rest of her life, she would. So Rachvis turned the latch of the door open and stepped into the car. The only people inside were the mother with her children and a sleeping man. The mother cringed away from her, terrified and clutching her children. Rachvis strolled forwards and glared down disgustedly at the three of them. “Don’t struggle, you’ll only get hurt” She snatched up the little girl who giggled, glad to meet this mysterious person she had watched out the window. The mother cried and begged for Rachvis to return her child, but Rachvis simply turned her back and drew a ragged breath. Now the mother tried to stop her physically, but the woman was no match to a teenager who had been forced to do an hour of pushups every day of her life. Everything seemed to be moving slowly and quietly as though someone had drowned the world in sludge. Rachvis left the car and jumped back into the world below. The trip back was smooth, only hindered by Rachvis’ small crying ticket to freedom.*** Rachvis didn’t knock, but simply walked into the Ratmasters office. She dumped the now sleeping child on the desk. It had cried after she took it away from it’s mother, but had fallen asleep during the long journey home. Home. The sewers were the child’s home now. Even if she wanted to return it there was no way she could find the mother, what with the number of children the city lost. The Ratmaster jumped up in his seat at the appearance of a child sleeping uncomfortably on his desk, and then, still watching the baby, said, “Rachvis, is this... I see you brought me a child.” Rachvis glared at him sullenly, “That is what I was supposed to do, right? Every Sewerat brings you a child before they leave.” The Ratmaster still seemed surprised for some reason. “No, I don’t suppose they do. In fact, you are the first one I’ve had do it, and I believe that means you deserve something special.” “I just want to leave the sewers.” “Not quite yet my dear, you see, I was not the first Ratmaster. I stole a child, see, just like you, and brought it back. Everyone else, they all chicken out and run away to the free world. But the first person to bring that Ratmaster a child...They become the new Ratmaster.” Rachvis face turned to horror as she comprehended what he was saying. “You mean, I’m the new Ratmaster?” “Yes, quite, and I can finally leave.” “I won’t do it, find someone else” “I don’t care what you do, but I’m no longer in charge. I wouldn’t suggest running though, you’ve already ruined one child’s day, don’t abandon fifty more.” The Ratmaster was already putting his coat on and heading for the door, “Also, every time one of the children is sent to do their #8 and runs away instead, you’ll have to kidnap a new kid to replace them. If one of them actually succeeds, then they are the new Ratmaster. And I don’t suggest you ‘forget’ because then our little Obolis pack will be taken over by the Nevercons or the Bilebards, and that would not be pretty. I hate to see children kill each other.” “There must be some other way! We can help them escape!” Rachvis protested. The Ratmaster smirked “Listen girl, there is now ‘we,’ just embrace it. Take care of that little one. I remember when you were a wee thing like that. Your father put up quite the fight. It got me this job, and I’m glad you’re taking it from me. Good luck Rachvis.” Rachvis stared at the door for a long time. She walked behind the desk and sat down. “My father put up a fight for me.” She thought.

BB BlackDog is a steampunk band that the Captain interviewed at AnomalyCon. They are "super cool."-ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

I get a new voice, and I'm now very talkative. Lots of interviews from the highlight of the year, AnomalyCon! If you were interviewed, you may not be on todays show. Due to the high volume of interviews the Captain is spreading them out. Never fear, if you were interviewed, you will be on the show at some point.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Well, the Captain's movie is finally done! Here's how to find it online: Go to YouTube, search "a trip to the moon colorized air" and click on the first result. In the video description there is a link to his film. It is a full length remake of "A Trip to the Moon." Make sure to email him lots of critiques, I'm sure he'd love it! (Or I'd love to see him get them).-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Awards for the best steampunk stuff of 2011!-ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Oh dear... The Captain (and friend) attempt a Christmas special. VERY special...-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain's show is interrupted again, and he talks briefly about Muppets. What has this show come to? Here is the link to the Steampunk Lego's described. I highly suggest you pull up this link as you listen.http://flavorwire.com/233216/matt-armstrongs-amazing-steampunk-lego-inventions-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine

The Captain makes some changes (feedback is appreciated, petrifyingproductions@gmail.com) and starts a cult. He also comes up with a new closing tagline! And, as the title implies...-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)The captain has unfortunately stopped the flow of journal entries. Sorry.

The Captain is attacked by air Pirates and they are in turn attacked by Daleks (Why? I don't know).-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain talks little as he is trying to get over a nasty sinus infection. However, he plays one of the strangest, discordant disturbing orchestral pieces ever written. The whole thing. I'm staying out of this one. The story below is somewhat short this week, but as soon as the captain is himself again, I will make him read me more.Here's another cool steampunk blog story thing if you miss the Captain's tales: http://missjacklewisbaillot.blogspot.com/ -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)Part 4: How I acquired the Eckener (story starts with Log 17: Rap Attack)May 20th, 1940.    We sailed up to the great beast in our balloons, but we could not find anywhere to strap them down. We were forced to make a choice between releasing our only means of escape if the plan failed, and turning back. Some of my best men left, but I shall not give up! Another unexpected surprise was that the side of the ship is very slick, and not easy to climb along. Most of us are holding on to ladder rungs, but they are few and far between.

The Captain declares himself King, and a Justin Bieber fan. Unfortunately, I did not have time to transcribe a journal entry because of the lack of interest in it, so if you want more stories then email petrifyingproductions@gmail.com. Here are some links to things steampunks may find intriguing (or offensive):http://style.mtv.com/2011/11/01/justin-bieber-steampunk/http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-20127610/steampunk-yesterdays-tomorrow/?tag=cbsnewsTwoColUpperPromoArea-ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain has a broadcast from the future! And you get to hear what I will sound like in 100 years.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain gets a visitor just in time for Halloween!-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)Part 3: How I acquired the Eckener (story starts with Log 17: Rap Attack)May 19th, 1940.    It is very late at night, and we have rowed our boats directly under the Hindenburg II. Looking up at it I feel like a knight from an old tale about to poke a sleeping dragon. Most of the others don’t seem nervous, they are sadly ill informed on the powers of this great beast. Only I and my best men know what it’s capable of, and we shaking with nerves. Except for the ex German soldier, who has a sort of revenge or die attitude about himself. His family was killed by the Axis Powers, and he puts little value on his own life anymore, except his goal to redeem them.    All around me, balloons are inflating like dark mushrooms growing out of the murky black water of the Atlantic. In a few hours we will be set to rise to the great beast. I must stop writing know, for my companion needs my help with our own balloon.    ...If Hugo Eckener could see me know!

The Captain has his own show hijacked by a familiar voice... And I insult him again! The following is the next entry from his old logs:-ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)Part 2: How I acquired the Eckener (story starts with Log 17: Rap Attack)May 19th, 1940.    I have assembled a team of twenty men, mostly consisting of my companions. The depression hit most of these fellows hard, so I was able to convince most of them into helping me seize the Hindenburg II. I promised them jobs on the ship once it is captured, and even though the mission is dangerous, none of them seem scared, and all but three accepted my offer. The plan is this; under the cover of darkness we will launch camouflaged hot air balloons and observation balloons off small boats directly under the ship. We will then lash the balloons to areas on the ship out of the range of the guns, and sneak aboard.     The problem is the crew’s resistance. My first thought is that on such a heavily armored ship, the crew would be ill equipped for hand to hand combat, they would expect to blast their enemy’s away before hand to hand could happen. However, one of my team is an escaped German soldier, who joined the Air Force in rebellion. According to him, a ship at the top of the German fleet would be protected inside and out, because of the fear of sabotage and spies. He claims that their will be soldiers on guard constantly, and that if we want to get past them we must use a surprise strategy that will not allow the word to get out that we have boarded.    Then it hits me.

This week the Captain does something very strange (after I commit murder). So as follows is a brief history of Captain James P. Proctor, an experiment in entertainment in podcast format. If it is easier, you can also find this on the Blog portion of the podcast at www.airshipwrecked.blogspot.com. These journals were written by the captain, and I have dictated them here, starting where things get interesting.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)Part 1: How I acquired the EckenerMay 19th, 1940.    Being a humble balloonist, it is not easy to get noticed in a world of great airmen like Max Pruss, The Crimson Count and Ernst Lehmann. Today, however, my luck may have changed. I was up in my gas balloon around five o’clock in the morning “bird watching”, when I just so happened to pick up a signal from a German Zeppelin called “The Hindenburg II.” When I entered its channel the man on the other end asked me if he was speaking to “Base Golfplatz.” Thinking fast I informed him that he was, in my best German accent. The man then continued to ask me if they should proceed with the attack as planned. I told him “We are currently indecisive on that matter” and that before we could decide we needed his planned coordinates for today, midnight tonight, and noon the next day. He hesitantly gave these to me, and after an impressive amount of acting on my part, told him I was losing connection, but that I would do my best to have the decision made by the next time he gained contact.    After a bit of research, I have learned that The Hindenburg II, or the LZ 131 is a new German airship, and the successor to The Hindenburg, LZ 129. It also came after The Graf Zeppelin II, LZ 130, and as far as the public knew, that was the end of the German Zeppelin line. Not true. Registered as a craft meant for war, the first war airship since World War I, The Hindenburg II is the length of almost three football fields, 20 stories high, and contains 20 bags filled with Hydrogen. It is equipped with 20 double sided air pressure cannons (double sided to keep the ship stable) and can carry over 100 people (less while wearing full armor and carrying full artillery). It is protected all around by reenforced aluminum siding, and carries dozens of fighter planes, ready to drop into a dogfight at a moments notice.    It will be mine by morning.

The captain has a guest on as promised from last week. And this time she doesn't die or run away, so she might be back. The only catch is that she and the Captain are archenemies, so it may take a bit of listener persuasion (petrifyingproductions@gmail.com) to get her back. Big experiments coming next week, so make sure to listen.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain attempts a daring escape from the air fortress of the Crimson Count! And I get blown up.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

I have to run the show all by my self because the Captain is gone for an undisclosed reason. I still play his music though, not to worry!-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Excellent music selection tonight brought all the way back from the wilds of Oregon. Beware though, the captain does nothing but try to convert his listeners to tellotherpeopleabouttheshowism.ATUM (Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Here is the astronomer trailer, to be accompanied by the episode "PLANKING". These are all caps because they are particularly important, i.e. a guest star, or a video episode.Enjoy! And remember that feedback is welcome.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

As the captains second guest is on, he reveals not only what is hidden in his closets, but also the injuries I received during the crash.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain is being rather quirky and unpredictable tonight. Steampunk book reviews for all!-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

I am not flattered at all Liz. Not even one little bit. Ok, maybe a little...-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain reveals a shocking secret and does a badly edited interview with the one and only Gamera! (See video)-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

A nuclear space turtle doing acrobatic flips during a battle... Oh yeah! (Caps because its a video)-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

After reading review of his show which more than slightly exaggerated the truth, the Captain takes on some rather unsavory physical ailments.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

I am once again rather quiet as the Captain has his first guest on. Please let me know if he rambled. (I do enjoy smacking him when he does).Also, as new tradition, shows with guests, (and therefore more enjoyable) will have their titles in capital letters. ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

I couldn't think of any other name that would make me sound bad, so here's one that references the Captain's new website: www.tinyurl.com/petrifyingproductions. Well, I'll try again next week...Oh, and please be prepared for technical difficulties ahead. The Captain is experimenting with his new Lumiere camera. ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Once again the captain makes obscure references. This time to 50s B-Movies! (Robot Monster, Plan 9 from Outer Space). He also records it in 3D, like Robot Monster was. Unfortunately, he forgot that he has a purely audio show...ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The Captain puts on his 'mopy bloomers' and enforces some strange musical rules.Excuse me if last weeks show downloaded twice or had technical difficulties, I am rather new at this.-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

The captain starts recording the activities of the natives, but perhaps their holiday cheer is to much for him. Not me however.Sorry for the long wait. I hope to get the captain casting every week from now on. -ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)

Listen as our valiant Captain struggles to survive the Wyoming wilderness and irritates the nefarious Mr. Miller!-ATUM(Amazing Talking Useless Machine)