Just About Now

Episode extraAmsterdamica: Nervous Camera Movements

So there I am, watering the plants, it's raining outside, and just like that… I realise how much of my life has been spent watching raindrops. 

I mean, would you allow absolutely anyone to overtake you, especially when you believe you are moving as fast as you can?

Today's subject matter: An elegant jogger.

Imagine a danger so great, so intense, goosebumps ripple across your skin and the hairs on your arms stand up and perform Mexican waves. Or what about the dangers of climbing into a volcano's crater and pleading with it not to erupt. Or having to put one's fears to the side and face down a deadly donkey called Duncan. Yep, there are dangers out there…

Beni, me, and a crew of other uncool first year undergraduates, found an outlet for the pain of rejection. We drove our mothers' cars around Enugu, at night, like crazy bandits. Oh how we had the time of our lives; zooming and screeching; racing around. It was all such great fun, until it wasn't…

The Credibility Gap appears when the distance between what we hear, see or involve ourselves in, and common sense (and logic) becomes impossible to bridge. I'm sure a good number of you have experienced the internal mayhem that occurs when the various factions of the mind are unable to come to agreement on what is and is not reality. This is fine, by the way: No more than evidence of one's humanity. And with this in mind, I would like to share a few things that have happened along the way…

Episode extras:Wrakkenmuseum, Terschelling (NL)Blackadder: Johnson's DictionaryFeedspot

Episode extras:Lance Link Secret ChimpRoad Runner - Acme Batman SuitSnake In The Monkey's ShadowFeedspot podcast directory

Episode extras:Quiet Amsterdam 3 | Quiet Amsterdam 4 | Quiet Amsterdam 5 | Quiet Amsterdam 6 | Quiet Amsterdam 7

On the surface, care seems like an easy word to handle. However, after thinking for a bit, I had no choice but to come up with a metaphor (shared in the episode) to explain my view on the word. The rest of the episode contains a few thoughts on, and memories of care related matters…

We fill most of this episode with a great interview between the esteemed radio talkshow host Doggi Doggsen and Chidonicus (quite possibly the greatest clown operating in the 21st Century).

As written in the title, breakdown is the word driving this particular episode, tough we won't be dealing with anything heavy. Along the way, we'll look at mechanical breakdowns - think embarrassing presentation; instant nervous breakdowns - such as those brought on by an important exam and too little sleep; emotional breakdowns - as in I-really-need-you-to-fix-my-computer-now-because-my-whole-life-is-in-it; and the unfortunate case of Dr. Barnaby Boxhill-Bunker who really believed he could have a friendly chat with five magnificent Bénoué lions from Cameroon. 

First of all, this episode comes with a warning: Excessive drinking is not healthy, and can so easily lead to acts of foolishness. As illustrated by the recollection of my first time drunk - an accidental affair. There's also some university level foolishness, and an incident in which I allowed booze and a pair of very strong legs get the better of me.

On the matter of biting… aside from the usual bits and pieces, I manage to find the courage and strength to retell a traumatic tale involving a free ride to City X, the need to make a good impression on the driver, and what can happen when a stomach gets hungry, angry, and encourages the owner of said stomach to start biting things and chewing them…

Episode ExtrasYou Tell Me YouTube channelThe Beekeeper's BeesThinking Allowed (podcast) - The BedBeefeaters (What Is A Beefeater?)

Well, the first theme in the B-Section is an easy one: Baggage. Baggage piled up on donkeys, baggage in the airport, baggage weighing down the spirit... See where we're going here?

Co-starring alongside Anger is a fictional fellow called Angry Adam. As the name implies, Angry Adam has more than his fair share of anger issues, a number of which we get to briefly examine during the episode…

Episode Extras:De Voortuinen - building with boxes for trees.The Great Dictator - scene with chairs

Our word for the episode is amazing, which provides an opportunity to explore a trio of amazing experiences. Imagine a 1960 Mercedes-Benz 220 SE floating along Marnixstraat, driven by a semi-herd of goats. Or what about the education I received from a basic dog In Westerpark? Finally, there was the talking potato on my chopping board: It convinced me to travel with it to Amsterdamse Bos on the final phase of a potato adventure. Just a few of the amazing things that can happen to a human being.

Following some quick banter on the choice to use words plucked from the dictionary as the foundation for this season, admit takes on a trip through illegal childhood activity, a ‘found’ widescreen television, attempted admittance to an X-rated film, and the case of poor Reginald who dreamed of joining an exclusive club.

Here you can find the two sets of photographs mentioned in this episode: Wibauthuis and Post CS Gebouw.

Well it all began in a hotel, the name of which I am not at liberty to mention due to ongoing legal proceedings. It was a very large hotel, seventy-seven floors of quality accommodation and the capacity to host two internationally recognised conventions at the same time. There was my convention: The International Postcard Collectors Convention (held only once every seven years), and then there was the International Art Critics Something Something Convention (with special guest). In hindsight, my life would have been so much easier had these two conventions not been held in the same place, at the same time.

So here we are… an episode filled with a collection of memories from a Nigeria that is no longer there. Halfway through the recording, I realised there’s enough Naija material for another hundred episodes. Don’t worry, I do not plan to punish your ears in that way…

The external pressure of which I speak was introduced into my podcasting life by an individual who knows exactly who they are, and for reasons that defy all modern ethical values…

Because I had earlier done an episode on manly men and did not want to repeat the theme, I came up with an instant Plan B. How about an episode on pretending to be or do or know…

Episode extrasAmsterdamica S04E07 - Waterwatching

Episode extraHere’s a link to the Storytime 360* clip (Chat-A-Leaf-Oh) I made of the leaves that inspired this episode...

It was a perfectly tailored topic as I’ve been good friends with performance anxiety for a long long while. The freedom of the podcast format provided an opportunity to share an extended version of my story. Here it is...

The first segment of this episode is dedicated to the eternal battle against boredom

Quick question: Have you ever had one of those experiences that forces you to start believing in things that, under normal circumstances, you never ever believe in? Well, during the peak of the COVID-19 shutdown, I had one such experience that was so fantastic, I believe it is only that I share it with you. The simple fact of the matter is this: There is much much much more to this world than any of us could ever imagine and, as a storyteller, it is my sworn duty to shed light as much of that stuff as possible…

The first half of this double session begins the brief worry that my podcasting momentum is gone - a false alarm, thank goodness. Then I share an ingenious idea on how best to transmit aromas through sound waves. True, there could be, and probably is, a very good reason why this has not already been done. But… why oh why should anything like that ever get in the way of one’s imagination? And then, after that… some general roundabout thoughts.

Episode extras: The children’s book referred to in this podcast is Just Like Anne.

Episode extra:C is for Contrafibularity | Blackadder The Third | BBC Comedy GreatsCharlie Chaplin | Pudding with Coin | ‘The Great Dictator’

They say Nature abhors a vacuum, and my sudden departure from the profession I loved so dearly, created a large space into which malicious and foolish gossip could thrive. Well, as I’m sure you have guessed, this episode is all about setting the record straight and clearing up the nonsense once and for all. I’ll also introduce you to a group of mice who loved Nigerian cheese and reading lengthy reports…

A few of the subjects of irritation that we’ll look into today are, getting on trains, unnecessary standing ovations, super ‘cute’ kids who think everyone’s their own personal plaything, politicians’ inability to give straight answers, people who answer your questions by quoting others, salespeople who always seem to have one or more of whatever it is they’re trying to sell you, and queue-jumpers…

Today, we look again at the city’s slow return to a new normal, the ease at which we become used to new circumstances, and how two architects may or may not have been affected by two unrelated incidents involving two different grizzly bears in the Canadian forests.

You know the one… you’re walking between points and you hear your name. Only it isn’t your name. On closer inspection, via the ears and the brain, you realise it is simply a combination of city sounds that appear to call out your name. Sometimes the name-being-called-out situation is made even stranger by… 1. you recognise the ‘voice’ of the person calling; 2. you know the ‘person’ in question is, at that moment, in a very different part of the country; 3. the person calling out is no longer living, or… 4. the person calling out is using a quite unique method of communication… telepathy, perhaps.

Episode extra: Jeffrey Daniel and the Moonwalk.

Episode extra: Amsterdamica S04E05

This time around, rather than read out a list of words from the dictionary, the words have been carefully selected from the category English Language Arts. Listen, and be cool

Amsterdamica S04E04 - Pigeon Talk

Photographs of the library at night. Remember, these were taken before the recent renovations.

Connected stories…That Thing About InvisibilityThe Thinking PatchMaggie’s Moments

Apple Maps || Google Maps || Episode video (Amsterdamica)

Nine or so months ago, during one of our frequent conversations, my brother told me about this guy who lives in the neighbourhood. The man asked my brother why he was always happy and easy with life. My brother explained that the act of waking up every morning was enough to fill him with joy at being alive. Well, that snippet of conversation remained in my head; brewing, expanding, rolling round and around… until it finally grew into this little poem: 'Family'. Enjoy.

It doesn’t take long to notice the changes. Yes, people are drinking on terraces, but they’re all positioned as if placed there by a child playing with their dolls. Also, not all of the cafés are open. Some, might open later, others will not. We probably won’t notice most of the changes until next year, or the year after that.

Little Red Riding Hood, a simple tale about one girl’s adventures involving a forest, a wolf, a grandmother, and some hunters (who just ‘happened’ to be in the neighbourhood). When you look at this story with an analytical eye, does any of it make sense? Of course not! And so, with alarm bells ringing in reference to certain segments of the plot, I took to the interwebs in search of the truth… What I found, left me with no other option but to mutter out a loud: “I knew it!”