Lighter and Tighter: Notes to God for a Second Draft of the Bible

CARSON AND KNIVES ARE BACK! After months spent in limbo, on the run from the law, pursuing new creative endeavors, searching for turtle food during a global shortage of turtle feed, Carson and Knives return for an all-new installment of their unquestionable notes to God. This episode is BUSY. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Much like most of the world every other day of the year, Carson and Knives ditch the Bible and its contents for a very special Christmas episode they recorded on Christmas night while getting absolutely drunk as shit at their respective secret locales because they're Jews and had plenty of free time. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Lighter and Tighter is taking a little summer vacation, because Carson and Knives are rich and they can do that kind of thing. Suckers. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Welcome to the FUNderdome! This one is just fun. Really fun. The most fun portion of the Bible yet. It's a fun conversation. It's a fun book. It's just....REALLY fun.   --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

In the latest episode, God's all, "Alright dorks, get ready to have some fuckin' LAWS made up, you oxen farming motherfuckers!" and Carson and Knives are like, "What!?" and God's all, "Yeah, that's the deal now," and Carson and Knives are like, "Eff that!" Also, we hear from friend of the Pod, Lindsey Pankhurst, about his incredible knowledge of hornets! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Have you ever thought, "Fuck I love rules. If only there was a set of rules and laws imposed over me and all living beings across the entire world that I can have dictate the entire ebb and flow of my existence." Well, that's really weird, but damn, you're in luck! Thousands of years ago (supposedly) one guy walked up a mountain, where nobody else was allowed on pain of death (sounds legit), and came back with a list from God (allegedly) that commanded us how to live or else we'd incur the wrath of a spooky hall monitor in the sky (FUN!). --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

With Egypt becoming an ever smaller dot in the rearview mirror of the Hebrews' storied history of subjugation and inconveniences, fortunately, at long last, everything is about to be awesome for everyone forever.... ...Give or take. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Did Carson do a press junket with Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, and a bunch of literal babies? Did Knives win an epic sea battle while fleeing Interpol? Can the blood of the lamb really save your boy from being murdered by God in the final plague? Did banjos exist during ancient times? Does God have a party planning committee? The answer is yes. Sorry. Didn't mean to bury the lead there. Anyway, listen to the fucking episode. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

TIME FOR THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PLAGUES, Y'ALL. This, of course, shouldn't be a problem for you so long as you bothered to listen to Moses, speaking directly on behalf of God, instead of doing what the literal dumbest Pharoah in the history of history did. Beyond that, legendary directors, producers, and writers Carson Fuego and Knives Goldstein welcome their first guest to the pod! From his hit Youtube channel, My Two Cents of Nonsense is Lindsey Pankhurst! Some listeners may not know this but when he's not making you laugh, Lindsey is also an accomplished herpetologist (That's a frog/amphibian expert. Not the first thing you thought) whom Carson and Knives sit down with to discuss the finer points of one of the lesser-known plagues. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Genesis is (thankfully) a thing of the past, and now legendary producers, directors, and writers Carson Fuego and Knives Goldstein dive headlong into the book of Exodus, where nothing goes wrong for anyone ever! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

WE'RE NOW BI-WEEKLY! Between Carson's many film/theatre/turtle-related projects and Knives' ongoing tumultuous relationship with Interpol, Lighter and Tighter will now be releasing episodes on a bi-weekly basis to ensure continued quality in conjunction with some exciting new things in the works. That said... Welcome to the last episode of the first part of the Bible. This week, Carson and Knives round out the Book of Genesis. Here we see the climactic(?) ends of your favorite(?) characters(?) from the most important(?) book ever written before moving into the Book of Exodus. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

It's moving day in the old fertile crescent! That's right everyone! Remember how much fun moving is? Putting everything in boxes and moving your entire life's worth of stuff you've acquired through sentimental hoarding and grief purchasing and promising yourself that it'll be better where it winds up next time? You know? You know how that always works out? How happiness is surely going to be wherever you neatly rearrange your stuff next time? Well surely that's going to work out for Jacob and his descendants here in ancient Egypt where all of the Hebrews gather to live under the ruling power of the Pharaoh as Carson and Knives approach the end of Genesis! SURELY! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

On this weeks episode tackling Parshah 10 of the Torah, or Chapters 41-44:17 of the Old Testament, Carson and Knives dive headlong into a portion that's rich with familial trickery, dream interpretation, interpretation of a dream interpretation, interpreting the interpretation of the interpretation, and of course, farming! You know! Farming! Super exciting farming! Ecstatically riveting farming! FARMING, MOTHERFUCKERS! FARMING! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

This week, the incomparably talented and Carson Fuego and Knives Goldstein are finally given a bountiful wellspring of character choices to work with. It's honestly as if someone else took over writing the Bible for this weeks portion (Parshah 9 of the Torah/ Chapter 37-40 of The Old Testament) and decided to try and have its characters' actions speak to their personality instead of just blithering off a list of names and dates like an almighty history test. And lo, there are lessons to be learned this week. Mostly prominently that unless you're currently unpacking it with a licensed mental health care professional, or it involved sex with the person you're telling this to- NOBODY wants to hear about your dreams. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

If Quentin Tarantino had gotten his weird little mitts on this particular section of the Torah/Old Testament, well, it would look a lot like this.  For far too long the grievous misdeeds of all men in this tome of stereo instructions have gone unpunished, but that ends today. There's also a lot of farm animals, but hey, you're on episode 8 and you know that by now. You're aware of that, right? You're aware that you're not having some strange fever dream and this podcast is happening? It is. You... You know that, right? Well, how can you know anything, really? How can you truly know the strange maelstrom of ill-begotten existence that surrounds you. Cradling you in your arms like some murky, untrustworthy midwife carrying you perilously into a world that neither cares nor supports the sensations you're burdened with day in and day out? Oh also, there's another Muffintop update! HORRAY! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Did you read this episode title to the tune of Cher's seminal hit chart-topper "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" on the first go through? You did? Well then consider yourself a Lighter and Tighter devotee. This week we begin with an important update regarding Carson's much-maligned and, in his words, "scrumpy little fluffy doodlebug," Muffintop, and continue on with an equally timely dossier of events regarding Knives' forced exile from humanity. After that, super creators Carson Fuego and Knives Goldstein dive headlong into the surprisingly sexual escapades of Jacob, and see why you should always be upfront about your employment contracts, regardless of the added benefit of a seemingly limitless wellspring of ass. NOTE: The sound designer, Marvin, is sadly leaving our employment after this episode because the audio on one end is unignorable in its slipshod quality. We wish him all the best in his future endeavors, however brief that may be, as Carson and Knives have also hired a "consultant firm" to "take care" of not only Marvin but his entire bloodline. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Do you remember that episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse's grandfather Papouli was coming to visit and they made a cake and he taught them how to do classic Greek dances? Then Papouli suddenly died and there was an extremely somber cloud put over the whole Tanner household but in the end, everyone learned a little something about life and death? Really moving stuff. Anyway, on this episode of Lighter and Tighter, Carson and Knives have their own Papouli come to visit in the form of sibling rivalry, the deceit of kings, a Faustian deal for a bowl of soup, and many other shockingly intriguing moments in what is essentially a Biblical episode of Full House. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Sometimes life moves in a straight line. A calculable point A to point B. Other times, you're off on a weird side quest involving betrothals and thirsty camels. It's a tale as old as time. Join Carson and Knives this week as they deal with God apparently needing to up the word count for an Almighty midterm test! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Sorry for the delay! Carson and Knives had to fire their audio editor because he went skiing during a pandemic instead of getting their damn show ready. They assure you though that not only is that sound designer fired, but will also "meet with an accident" sooner than later. This episode is, well, rough. Not the thunderous critiques that Carson and Knives bring. No, those are just as witty, acerbic, and invaluable as ever. However, this particular part of the Bible is...well... it's rough. Really rough. There's no way to spin this. Whatever you think you know about Sodom and Gomorrah, or the deeply problematic tale of Lot's daughters, we assure you it's far worse than that. If they could turn back time and record this again, Carson and Knives would have been sure to have had a cereal bowl full of muscle relaxers beforehand. Also, be sure to email your questions or comments to lighterandtighter@gmail.com. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Look, you've had it up to here with God's fickle and abusive decrees that He seems to scrap with reckless abandon, right? Well, so have Carson and Knives. Luckily, this week has it all. You want character development? You got it. You want wars? You got it. You want plagues? You got it. You want lecherous pharaohs? Love triangles? Genital mutilation? Magic oaths? Well, if you do want that you're one sick fuck. But guess what? YOU GOT IT. This week, God finally gives megaproducers and ultradirectors Carson Fuego and Knives Goldstein something that (due to years of regular drug abuse) they can really sink their increasingly inaccurately named teeth into. And don't forget to send your questions, comments, concerns, or social security numbers to lighterandtighter@gmail.com for a chance to have your inquiry and likely yourself personally eviscerated on their show for daring to question them! What? Are you rich? No? Yeah, that's what the fuck they thought. Bitch. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

Welcome back! In episode two, Carson and Knives pivot hard and handle with grace and aplomb what is essentially an enormous rewrite from God when He literally and figuratively scraps the initial plot (and the whole fucking planet) and does a do-over. Carson and Knives follow along with a do-over of their own, except when these hotshot superproducers do it, it's not genocide. If you thought your DM's were flooded after posting that thirst trap pic (cool modern reference!), wait till you see what God does to the earth, with the exception of one family He decides He likes for no apparent reason! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support

On their debut episode, Carson and Knives unleash their genius upon both the world and the Lord above starting at the beginning of all that is, was, or will be. Or will it? If you've ever opened the Bible to page one and thought to yourself, "I wish this was edited and contextualized to me further by total strangers that as of now I am deeply apprehensive of," then you have come to the right place. Theme music by Luke Borsten. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lighterandtighter/support