Undateable

Clisteners, the time has come to say farewell to Undateable. This is our final episode and from the bottom of our hearts, we cannot thank you guys enough for tuning in and supporting us for the last year and a half! Thank you to each and every one of you for writing in, commenting, sending us DM's to commiserate on your dating lives with us. You truly have no idea how amazing it was to hear from you guys.While this is the end of Undateable as we know it, who knows what the future holds for Jasmine and Lauren!Please still keep in touch with us via instagram @lodofasho and @thedoglordThank you again, Clisteners, for making this podcast such a worthwhile journey. We love you.Jasmine and Lauren

EPISODE 56 - The Father, The Son, The Morning Wood⁠⁠This week we're joined by Thomas (@thomas_lewis_). The girls get a university level crash course in gay sex clubs and cruising.⁠⁠Also HUGE TRIGGER WARNING. All three of us are in happy relationships and it's truly disgusting and we're so sorry (but not really).⁠⁠Actual trigger warning: there is a graphic discussion around piss play in this episode so definitely NSFW (as if this show has ever been safe for work).

Oh Heyyy Clisteners! Sorry for being MIA *cough cough* we were sick. And by sick, I mean lazy assholes. But we are backkkkkk and have so much exciting news to share! In this week's episode, we join Leslie from Interstates & Heartbreak pod and dive into why we often feel fuckable but not dateable. We get into the standards society expects us to meet in order to be classified as "wifey material". Listen to us transform our most "undateable" moments into unapologetic confidence. Remember, these sales professionals can spin anything!

The girls are waxed and vaxed and ready to get turnt up! (Eww could we sound anymore cheugy?) Was peeing on a stranger for money the gate way drug to more "controversial" financial opportunities? What CDC and just plain sanitary rules is Lauren breaking now? And get ready to roast Jasmine on her new Florida Boo... Yeah you heard me, Florida! So, tune in as your humbled and hungover/still drunk Clistener Qweens recount their weekend of post-pandemic debauchery. 

Clisteners, it's our lucky day! Leslie, the stunning host of a dating podcast titled Interstates and Heartbreak, joins Jasmine and Lauren to add her take on dating as a millennial in 2021. And as always, the girls unleash more trauma-raumas from the past week, like idk... getting a butt plug stuck in your ass during sex! So tune in now! Before their conscious catches up to them and they delete all content from the internet! Don't forget to listen and subscribe to Interstates and Heartbreak on Spotify and Apple iTunes

In the famous words of Meredith Grey, "Choose me, love me, pick me!" Today we're having a good ol' time roasting the phenomenon that is pick me girls!Let's be honest. We've all been a pick me girl at some point in our lives, but where does this come from? And why are we seeing a bigger resurgence now than before? Catch up with the girls as they discuss their dwindling roster, complaining to an ex about another guy, and cutting off manipulative men.

Stop trying to make the wrong person happen! They're NOT going to happen! Clisteners, welcome back! Apologies for an MIA week from your Clistener Qweens.  Break-ups, food poisoning, life.... it got the best of us! But join us on today's episode where we discuss the Do's and Don't of texting your Bumble/Tinder crush and when to use the age old lesson of Less IS More. 

At this point,  should we  just change the name of the podcast to Updates with Jasmine and Lauren because these two bitches cannot get to the point fast enough! Buckle up and get deep on all things dicks, dating, and everything in between as we update you on the highs and lows of trying to navigate expectations and exclusivity. Plus, we play a fun little fortune teller game you might remember from elementary and middle school!

Have you ever thought about joining a sex cult and cumming in a room with your entire "congregation?" Yeah, neither had Jasmine or Lauren! On this week's episode of Undateable, your Clistener Qweens are joined by Sara, another one of Lauren's childhood Jewish friends, who shares about her 9 month journey in a sex cult and what the practice of "Om" entails. We also find out what that mystery fluid coming out of Lauren's vagina is and Jasmine updates us on the jabroni from last week and hints at a new possible DOD (Dick on Demand). So perk your tits up and your clits up and chant it with us OM.........

It's our official Clitaversary, y'all! We're beyond excited to recap our very first episode with you, dear Clisteners, along with a couple of our fave drunken tales.Catch up with Lauren and Jasmine as they navigate dating new people in all it's emotional, queef-y glory.

Clisten Up! Lauren shares about her slow race towards death with the cocktail of shit she puts in her body daily and Jasmine gets slapped across the face with reality as she re-enters the online dating pool. The girls also discuss their negotiables and non-negotiables. Oh and spoiler alert there is of course a soap box debate and a serenading session from Lauren.

In a world where your next match is just a swipe away, how do you make a long term relationship work when there's so much distraction to be had? Join us as we welcome Monica Heidt and Cat Chambers as guests to our show! As two women in longterm relationships, they give us the deets about the societal pressure to get married, keeping a relationship going, and how to grow as a couple without losing yourself in the process.

Are you just as confused by the title as we were? On this week's episode, Jasmine and Lauren share about their Valentine's Day weekends, and don't worry there is nothing mushy or lovey about them! Jasmine shares about her almost threesome with 2 cousins while Lauren explodes (literally) about her first weekend away with the new dude. Then it takes a massive right angle turn as the girls try and decode How To Not Die Alone which happens to be a book by Logan Ury. Stay tuned for the end where the girl's share the latest piece of Unsolicited they received from a kindred spirit. Enjoy!

From a boinking penis to Jasmine looking like she can take a dick, this episode has everything! The girls debating over feminism and men's right; Lauren alluding to having men actually wear condoms; and they even get deep into the subject of Confirmation Bias. Jasmine and Lauren discuss why some of us convince ourselves that our dating relationships will never work out while others will ignore a sea of red flags just to make a relationship "work." We all relate to this in some way so start Clistening now! (PS... I hope you got the Stefan SNL reference)

Before Jasmine and Lauren quiz one another from Cosmo issues from seasons past, get your fill of sex news, an impromptu intervention, and a whole lot of undateable antics!

In 2021 the dating lives of your Clistener Qweens are looking up!! LOLLLL Fake News! Lauren and Jasmine both get left on read from their supposed to be DODs. Jasmine is still getting harassed by a creepy jabroni and Lauren shoots her shot... but more on that later. This week, the girls dive into their puppy love romances in high school and what they would have told their younger self when going through heartbreak.

TRIGGER WARNING: ONLINE DATING. We all know that online dating is the ~ absolute worst ~ but why is that? Is it because we end up getting finger cramps from swiping left all day? Or is it because you start talking to someone who seems great only to end up getting ghosted...again.Let's face it. Online dating is exhausting, but Lauren and Jasmine are here to break down the WHY about it. So buckle up as we roast the one thing that allows for dating during a pandemic!

Are you in the business of convincing yourself you like someone? Have you ever said to yourself: "I mean I’m not attracted to them but that can grow over time right?" "Maybe they're just boring over text." "They're great on paper and technically what I’ve always said I wanted." "Maybe I'm just too picky!" You are not alone! Tune into episode 40 where Jasmine and Lauren get into the coupulous...? copulus amount of times they have convinced themselves to give a guy they didn't like another shot. They get into why most of us do this and how to stop this endless cycle and how to actually start trusting our gut! Enjoy

Welcome to 2021 where everything is magically better and your Clistener Queens are completely renewed!Okay, maybe only part of that is true.Since we couldn't do a traditional NYE countdown (because COVID), we decided to do a countdown of each other's most Undateable moments of 2020.Who will be crowned the Undefeated Undateable Champion? Spoiler alert: it's both of us.

In the last episode of 2020, Jasmine and Lauren ask themselves the age old question, “Are all the good men actually taken," Or, is this something women are told so they settle in their late 20’s, early 30’s? If we believe that only the trash of the species is left, what does that really say about our view of ourselves? Jasmine and Lauren take a break from moaning on air, to dive 10in deep into this rabbit hole we've all found ourselves in before... "Is there really someone out there for me, and if so, will we ever find each other?" So, enjoy the 38th and final episode of the year and just wait for the juicy juice topics your Clistener Qweens have prepared for your earholes in 2021! Cheers to the New Year!

You have your candles lit, there's a full moon, lube in hand (if you're like Jasmine and on that antidepressant train), and you are READY to make the life of your dreams ~cum~ into fruition. But how? Part two is finally here where the Clistener Queens get down and dirty with all things self love and manifestation with resident hot boy, Remy.

Take a ride on our magic stick as we introduce you to the world of sex magic. Lauren's childhood friend, and West Hollywood's best kept secret, Remy, joins us on this week's episode of Undateable and roasts the Clistener Queens on their anal endeavors while also educating us all on how to manifest a Tesla from our orgasms.

Dearest Clisteners, we cum to you today with gratitude because it's officially Thanksgiving!Today we give you a few new meanings to stuffed and honeyed ham. Plus, Jasmine and Lauren divulge what they're most thankful for and their biggest regrets.

You think you know, but you have no idea! On this week's episode of Undateable the Clistener Qweens share the Tea on why women often have a hard time expressing their wants and needs during sex. Like Jasmine needs Gordon Ramsey to slam her face into a stainless steel refrigerator while getting finger blasted from behind. Who knew!? Listen all the way to the end where Lauren goes into detail about how girls really want you to eat their Pussy... well at least how she wants her's eaten. Oh and are these 2 podcast entrepreneurs responsible for ending a long-term relationship?! Tune in to find out!

Why does the guy or girl who ghosted you continue to watch all your stories? And why does it hurt so bad when they unfollow you first? Jasmine and Lauren dive into this topic after Jasmine's ego was shattered this week when an old flame who used to watch all of her content on insta finally unfollowed her. The girls ask themselves: Why do we even keep following these jabronis? When should we unfollow? When should we mute? And when should we full out block bitches?! Find out on Episode 33 of Undateable

In this week's episode we're getting down and dirty with our special guest, Jess (@ohhyesssitsjess), who is also the amazing vocalist on our theme song! Jess gives us all the dirty details on her dicks, dating, and everything in between while Lauren admits to various crimes on air. And remember last week when Jasmine said no more men? About that...⁠⁠Tune in now! Tell a friend!⁠ And make sure to listen all the way to the end. Sometimes you get a little surprise.⁠

CLISTENERS! Lauren and Jasmine are back in business and better than ever.We're here to humble ourselves and dive into ugly sex. That kind of sex where you only fuck with the lights off for fear of seeing yourself in the forehead of his receding hairline. The kind of sex where you contemplate having them wear a mask during coitus to simply avoid seeing their face. We've all had it (Jasmine will try to deny this the entire episode and she's a massive liar). We are joined for THE THIRD TIME by @summeryates despite the fact that she won't sign an NDA.Please enjoy episode 31. We know it's a long one, but we hope it makes up for the two week hiatus and brings you some laughs.

Eiffel Tower. The Devil's Threeway. Menage-et-troix. You guessed it! Today we're diving into threesomes and we have a special (and returning) guest Ari! 66% of the podcasters on this show has had at least one threesome in their lifetime. 33% of the podcast has not and is a raging virgin who asks all the questions.Want to know best practices when it comes to before, during, and after a threesome? Join your fave Undateable Clistener Queens as we get into the juicy details!

On this week's episode of Undateable, Jasmine admits to an embarrassing social media mishap with her OGDOD while Lauren gets caught red handed sending the same pussy video to two guys, but remember, these girls can spin anything! The content goes from Rated R to NC17 real quick as your Clistener Qweens give a Master Class on Riding Cock. They then follow that up by divulging their deepest and darkest sexual fantasies, their favorite porn categories and, the shame that is sometimes attached. Tune in as they discuss the psychology behind sexual fantasies and the differences between fantasies that just exist in our head and fantasies we actually want to play out. Get your tissues out because this is a messy episode. Enjoy!

Whether we knew it or not, we've been in situations where we found out we were the other woman. Married, dating for 10 years, engaged. You name it, we've been there. On Episode 28, we go into some juicy details on our experiences being the illicit other woman and the lessons we learned along the way.⁠⁠So Clisteners, give into your cravings and play Episode 28 now! Those who make it all the way to the end will have a nice surprise in store.⁠

In the words of the Notorious B.I.G. "I Don't Chase Em, I Replace Em." In this week's episode of Undateable, Jasmine and Lauren discuss why we all just need to Shoot Our Shot. A famous poet once said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretzky" - Michael Scott. The Clistener Qweens get into why we get too scared to shoot our shot and how to overcome those fears. They discuss when we need to knock it off and stop shooting once we've been turned down. The girls also provide tips and tricks on how to make the 1st move. BONUS* Jasmine and Lauren play a lightning round of best openers when shooting your shot on dating apps. So get your Lisa Frank pen and notebook out because these girls are about to hit you with some knowledge. Check it out

Happy Labor Day Clisteners! Are you still drunk like we are? Well, just sip on some cold brew or go straight for the hair of the dog and tune into this week's episode of Undateable. Jasmine shares that she hasn't been penetrated in a week.... We know, appalling! And Lauren dishes on what all went down between her and her neighbor and the almost threesome that conspired when her ex showed up. Jasmine and Lauren also get all deep and meaningful as they answer questions from the famous Proust Questionnaire.

Missed Drunk Lauren? Yeah, no one else did either! But she's fuckin back regardless. Tune in as Jasmine and Lauren reminisce on their emo teenage years and rant about quarantine dating app life or lack there of. Lauren introduces "the boy next door" aka her neighbor that makes her WAP soak through her pajama pants. Jasmine gets all Joe Dirt on us and compares her dating life to a garden. So cum and Dig It ;) Oh and don't judge their editing skills off this episode. Lauren, "The Editing Virgin," popped her editing cherry this week.

You know how Drake said, "Best you ever had?" It's like that, but the total complete opposite. Jasmine and Lauren chronicle their worst dates ever. You might ask yourself, "Wow! Why would they continue online dating if this is what they went through? Do these bitches ever learn?" The answer is NO.

Good morning, Clisteners! It's Undateable Tuesday and we're back with Episode 23: So, You Went Back to Your Ex.⁠⁠This week we get INTO IT. We talk about all the reasons why we've gone back to exes and how to stop yourself from doing so. Trust us, future you will thank you.⁠⁠Also, a huge thank you to @fourplaysocial for sponsoring this week's episode!⁠

It happens. You open Instagram and see a photo of your ex with someone new and you think, "They never looked that happy with me! They never took me to a place like that! Why are they treating their new partner so much better than they treated me?" Don't worry, Clisteners! Jasmine and Lauren are here to peel back the layers as to why our exes sometimes appear to move on for the better -- or so it seems!Yes, we were both sober for this episode and somehow we cannot keep our train of thought going. Please love us regardless!

We're talking about pink pussies, brown pussies, black pussies, uneven pussies, pussies with big clits, pussy on a train, pussy on a plane. We're talking about ALL PUSSIES on today's latest episode.Let's face it. A lot of people with vulvas/vaginas often ask themselves, "Am I normal? Do I look okay? Do I smell/taste okay?" And the reality is we spend a lot of time questioning if we're "normal" versus celebrating what we have! Jasmine and Lauren discuss the shame people feel around the taste, smell and overall appearance with their vulvas and are here to say YOU ARE A-OKAY, BABY!We did our best to use inclusive language on this episode since we recognize not every who has a vulva/vagina identifies as women.

Continuing our series on why people ghost, but this time we dive into how to not take it personally or become obsessive about the why. At the end of the day, it's so important to not pick yourself apart for someone who was only in your life for a short period of time!

Unsolved Mysteries. We've all been there. You go on a date, everything seems to be going well, and then they just dip! Or your date comes over for a hookup, uses your bathroom, and immediately leaves.Bad news: sucks to suckGood news: you're not alone! This week we talk about the weird and mysterious occurrences from our own lives, but also read some clistener submitted content!

How many times have you been having sexy times (aka love making/pussy pounding/cervix breaking) only to find yourself completely distracted by thoughts like: "Is my stomach hanging down and look weird?" "Are they enjoying this?" "Am I gonna come?" Thoughts like this are totally normal, but totally take away from the experience of actually enjoying yourself during sex!Jasmine and Lauren unpack all the ways we get in our heads during sex and how to combat them in this week's episode!

Whether we are scrolling through social media or talking with our friends or partner, the opportunity to compare ourselves is EVERYWHERE. How do you value what you have without being completely envious of other people's lives or relationships? Dive in with us on this week's episode of Undateable!

Are there ground rules when it comes to a no-strings-attached dick/pussy on demand? Of course there is! Jasmine and Lauren set out to lay down the law when it comes to all things DOD/POD such as: when should you text them? How often should you hook up?The most important question of this episode is should Jasmine have taken a 20mg edible right before recording and will her dogs ever shut up?

Have you ever found yourself in a situationship where you are acting as wifey, only to find out the person you're with only wants sex? Welcome to episode 14, where we dive in on why this happens and how to avoid it in the future.

Undateable welcomes our guest, Ari, onto this week's episode to discuss small dick energy, what it means, and how to spot it.We do also discuss how small dick energy can be tied to racism.Granted, as a group of two white women and a white passing woman it is important to note that we understand the viewpoints we are offering are still stemming from a lifetime of privilege. We are still learning and we are very much open to feedback about the topics we discuss on matters of race.

What a delight to have our first guest on the show! Join us as Summer "Power/Daddy" Yates regales us of her stories abroad in Europe right before Coronavirus hit. Did we mention that she willingly decided to meet with someone named Draagon in Berlin? Yes, that happened and she admits it publicly.

In the year 2020 where the patron saint, OnlyFans, has come to rule, is it okay to accept money for nudes? Or does that force people into compromising their self-worth? This week, we discuss our own personal struggles with accepting money for sex work. Plus, enjoy a three-step plan from Jasmine on how to exact revenge on an ex.

Saddle up, y'all because this episode has EVERYTHING and extra long n thicc. When we say everything, we mean the following:1. Jasmine and Lauren update you on their homework2. Turning off your gag reflexes3. Getting all kinds of emotionally vulnerable while playing We're Not Really Strangers4. Lauren singing Aaron Carter (you read that correctly. Yes, she had an opportunity to sing something from his more successful and known older brother but chose not to)5. Did we mention emotional vulnerability?

Your two favorite sad bitches get real on communicating with your partner, red flags, and how the fuck to end a FaceTime call while still being cute about it.

Jasmine and Lauren say FUCK IT to mediocre head, mediocre blow jobs and, mediocre sex! Tune in as they discuss: How soon is too soon to ask "what are your intentions?" The Dos and Don'ts of online dating profiles; and The hottest angles for Quarantine FaceTime Sex that hide your Covid-19lbs.

HAPPY 420, Y'ALL! Join us this week as we talk about why exes come back around and try to re-enter our lives. Plus, reading some of your unsolicited emails to us!

Are you ready to DTQ aka "Define the Quarantine" with that special someone you've somehow grown attached to during quarantine? Listen to this week's episode with Jasmine and Lauren's takes on how to navigate the uncertainty of post-quarantine love.