Ever Felt Like This?

By the gods and, let's face it, various devils, it is us, your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, who are alive and definitely not replaced by trembling golems made from ants and pig fat. But keep that a secret, for this episode “Truth Hits Everybody” threatens to reveal it with a microphone that forces speakers to utter the truth. And what truths will be demanded? How about, will the new characters add anything to the series? Does watching scared children tap-dance qualify as television? Will Bronson break something trying to blow himself? All this and letters from the miserable little piles of secrets we call fans.    

Greetings, sweaty and curly listeners, it's your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, back from another unexpected Mark Mitchell eruption to discuss a tale of moderately false advertising. When your thumbnail is a screaming, Lawnmower Man-esque VR nightmare, one kind of assumes that to be the general idea of the story. Well, if you assume you make an ass out of u and Mark Mitchell because it's a bodyswap episode! Typically done to explore themes of perspective and empathy, witness as Round the Twist innovates by not bothering to do that. Instead, we're left to wonder where all the sweaty, curly men went; whether carnies own rats or if it's the other way around; and if anyone can really understand what it's like to be in the wrong skin. All this and some unfortunately phallic letters from the encrusted members we call fans.

Greetings—or should that be “how's it hanging?”—it's your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, back for another spin ‘Round the Twist that puts the “oo” in doozy. We've joked so much about shirtless teen boys that the series has upped the ante with actual child penis. But fear not, it's no ordinary penis! This one's ginger, but it also spins after an accidental fish swallowing gifting its Bronsony host with powers most astounding. Are aquarium staff specifically trained to not look at child penises? How does a foreskin affect drag? Has watching this made us accessories to something? All this and questions from the spun meat we call fans.  

Hwæt and lo, it's your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to conquer your minds and pillage your hearts with another Round the Twist episode. But what if this did not contain talk of such an episode? That's the puzzle at the heart of The Viking Book of Love that contains lots of Vikings and a scant few seconds of the eponymous book, which actually makes sense given the plot is almost non-existent. Can Linda hone her serialised moments down to a 3-second nub? Did Vikings really have horns? Can you re-gift a love slave? All this and letters from the trembling berserkers we call fans.  

It's season three which means all new faces for your recently re-accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, to get used to. But fear not, as the episode's subject matter will make new faces seem as familiar as the mysterious barcode birthmarks on the undersides of all Australian feet. Speaking of traumatic experiences we all refuse to speak about, this story begins with Pete finding love by urinating with baffling force onto a very pleased girl and it only gets more troubling from there. Will Pete learn anything about responsibility? Is new Bronson as annoying as his previous incarnations or are his threats to impregnate his step-mother too distracting? Is there only one Linda, kept young through a mix of drugs and abuse? All this and letters from the puddles of kept afterbirth we call fans.  

Avert your eyes, you ill-bred work-shirkers, lest your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, blind you with the thrilling-ish conclusion to season two of Round the Twist. Two ghosts use lightning powers to bodyjack the lighthouse occupants in a desperate attempt to stop other ghosts from ghost dying by real lighting a lighthouse. And they may as well borrow some bodies as there're dozens to spare in a building as awkwardly packed as the plot. Is a re-engagement announcement a thing? Will Jeremiah pay for his ghost crimes? Ever scream with a Gribble in the pale moonlight? All this and letters from the genetic bilge we call fans.

Ahoy, you homeless barrel-wearers, it's your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, with some hot investment advice. Are you tired of losing your money in crypto? Of course you are! Might we suggest investing your baby's food money in GOAT! Yes, GOAT! Just look at this testimonial episode from Bronson here as he discovers the amazing ROI of GOAT, a 200% gain! Sure, all you have to do is claw through its faeces like an OCD fetishist, but it's that or actual fetish work, so get to pinching. Are cockatoo miracles more stable than electric money? Does Bronson count as a pump-n-dump? What's up with that police officer? All this and letters from the flyswatter detritus we call fans.    

Greetings, boys and GHOULS, it's your Una-crypt-ed Australians, Gort and Amityville, here for another terra-fying story of southern spooks. Punk's not dead, it's just stuck haunting one of Australia's Heritage listed brutalist toilet blocks. Meanwhile, Snapper has written another play designed to let him watch children make out, which is fine with Pete who wants to suck the neck of the girl he's already dating, and also fine with Gribble who seeks to usurp Pete's position. Watch these two stories collide in an explosion of juvenile bum-cheeks and the realisation that the only god is bureaucracy. Can nobody label switches? What's wrong with Bronson? Would you leave a screaming child locked in a concrete fortress/toilet? All this and letters from the tiny, green toilet goblins we call fans.  

Today your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, along with your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, team up to witness a mushroom story that would have been silly before Star Trek Discovery. Gribble plans to put a plastic casino forest, which sounds like a Sonic stage, on top of an existing forest, which sounds like a Sonic plot. The only thing stopping him is the possible existence of Yuckles, a fungus with a secret. Why would they threaten us with two Bronsons? How are Pete's testicles doing? Would anyone watch my remake of The Thing featuring Bronson? All this and too many letters from our audience because their cages were improperly secured.

Fan of Game of Thrones? Good news! This week, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, find themselves stuck to an episode of Round the Twist that actively endorses incest. Our sweet, innocent minds were certain this puberty-tackling plot was simply going to settle for a frozen love doll, but why do that when you can dive headfirst into cousin-bonking. Awkwardly squirm along with your hosts as they endure an episode brave enough to completely forgo subtext. Is Snapper in a cardigan the Ultimate Male? Can Gribble's political ambitions survive a caricature so gentle it gives him better hair? Will anyone face charges for the dream sequences in this episode? All this and no letters from our audience because we recorded this one on time!  

Wake up! Race downstairs! Check beneath the Jacaranda tree growing through your floor for your traditional Ausmas gift of eyeballs! Such is the power of representation that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, veer closer to re-accreditation during the episode, “Grampa's Gifts”. Loosely based on Australia's oldest cultural tradition (thirty-five this year), this episode crams a lot into a small space and trims a bit to get it to fit. Is it safe to wake a sleepwalking fruit-picker? Do foxes even eat lemons? Would you sell Bronson to slavers to save your marriage, or would you just do it for fun? All this and letters produced by remote viewers peering into the minds of our only technically human fans.  

OVIPOSITORS! Now that I've got your attention I can also tell you that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, have also got Bronson's attention with that loud interjection. And it's attention we desperately need, if we're ever to get our accreditation back, as the episode Smelly Feat sticks the landing better than we could ever have predicted. What could possibly validate feet so feral they look like they're made out of goanna foreskin? An important event that just so happens to coincide with the marriage of Tony and Fay. How will Bronson choose between something important to him and helping his dad get laid? Did Tony waste his life on art when he could have been a successful cake decorator? Is a submarine the opposite of a lighthouse? All these questions possibly answered as well as letters from our audience that make you glad you're not them.  

WARNING! Until re-accreditation, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, qualify as trash. It is most likely due to this that we were wrenched toward Sloppy Jalopy, an episode of Round the Twist as sloppy as the titular jalopy. Leaning into the great Australian literary tradition of having dumps explain everything, magic earrings attract garbage and if you dare ask why you'll be subjected to 3 hours of the Farting Tube. A better question would be, why are children allowed to get their ears pierced in Port Neranda? Will Nell win the election or will they break Bonson's legs and give the job to him? Should we add more words that rhyme with “sloppy” or eliminate the ones that exist? All this and the kinds of emails that we can only assume mean one of us has a magic earring somewhere on their person.  

Huzzah! Your Unaccredited Australians are back with another deep dive into the shallow pool of local culture. This time our fractured necks emerge strengthened by NAILS! A word that can mean a variety of things, such as “nails”, “nails”, and even “nails”. This timeless Round the Twist episode relates the classic moral that it's okay to be grotesquely disfigured so long as you're really good looking via that narrative's standard media: horny fourteen-year-old girls. Can Tony find the Bra Shop? Is Bronson Dorksexual? Does Linda find out if having a middle-aged man urinate in your ear is good for heartbreak? All this and the kinds of letters from our fans that prove the worst forms of stereotypes.  

AUSTRALIA! The result of Eng-Land's finest phrenology-based class science, it is now home to the globe's premier examples of the criminal browline and ne'er-do-well sphenoid. Today's episode delights the criminal glands, which is the most your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, can hope for since their de-accreditation has made all crime illegal. It centres on two fellows of pristine criminal countenance liberating paper money and a valuable science machine from the state, only to be stymied by some degenerate children and the mysterious machine itself. Is there a naked teenage boy in this episode? Does Bronson kill things and wear them as socks? Are you going to finish that? All this, letters from our nitwits, and the reminder that Patronage keeps us from stealing your things are contained within.  

Turn your trickle into a torrent as your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, desperately try to pay for re-accreditation via the sale of non-spurious ENHANCEMENT PILLS. What makes our calcified combinations of kelp and amphetamine analogues different from the competition? Why, just ask Bronson, who starts this episode unable to perform in front of a braying cluster of mid-pubescent boys only to come back and wow them with his VITALITY and VIGOUR. It's WATER SPIRITS! That's right, the sapient embodiment of wetness, once furious about Gribble's attempt to dam its home, now produces mysterious grindings we feed to you through various loopholes in vitamin regulation. Can Bronson keep this performance up? What are the side-effects? How does the Water Spirit operate a car? No, seriously, what are the side-effects? All this, and some letters that make us ashamed to have fans can be found within.  

When does a landlocked Nepal have a beach? When it's landlocked Mongolia! Now that that koan has blasted you into a Zen state of oneness with the universe you'll be able to help your Unaccredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, as they try to deduce the properties of a magic hat. It's a cat, if that helps, and looks like Garfield by way of Akira and a hattery. What its eyes see is what you do, which is great if it sees something good but sub-great if it sees something unspeakable. Speaking of unspeakable, a rural Australian town is flinging its citizens from a pier again, but there are colourful streamers so it's a Birdman competition and not the grim process by which we remove the readin' types. All this and letters from the grim genetic flotsam we call fans.

Terrible news! Aaron and Gabe have lost their Australian Accreditation! They must now spend their days squeezing Vegemite out of wombats and their nights being exposed to the cosmic horror of Round the Twist Season Two. Even the warm, familiar sight of a teen boy slathered in goo can't shake the feeling that the Twist kids look different, that Tony is acting like an actual dad, or that Nell's face has been replaced by an ever-shifting throne whose scale and geometry destroys most minds. Can New Pete get through a day's worth of chicken impressions? Can NovaLinda stop summoning souls from the beyond? Can Neo Bronson ever hope to be as punchable as Bronson Classic™? All this and the knowledge that listening helps reduce our sentences.

Have you ever disliked a daughter so much you had to suture a clarinet to your face just to prevent your eternal soul from ever having to talk to her again? I guess this is what they call the Lighthouse Blues. In this riveting conclusion to the Nell's Family Hates Her saga, some Gribble ex Machina leaves the Twists facing eviction and your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, facing some unusual questions when the local spectres come to the rescue. Does losing your virginity count if it's to a pervy ghost? Why does Mr Henderson hate lighthouses so much? Will the special effects budget be increased next season? All this and nothing else in your Ever Felt Like This season finale!  

When are speech impediments okay to make fun of? When they're the post-mortem messages of a sailor delivered to you via a teleporting ghost dog! Without My Pants presents your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, with this answer but a variety of even stranger questions as Pete Twist insensitively tics his way through a driven tale of unfinished business, mouse-sensitive pickup artistry, and whether a kid in his undies digging a beach grave qualifies a town as “fun”. What is ghost dog faeces made of? Can Aaron feel shame? Is Snapper here? All this and more letters from our listenership that make me think they all live in a normal family's crawlspace.  

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What happens when Four Non Blondes breaches containment? Can an infected blonde be our chance at a cure? Should we acknowledge clowns as non-human persons? We answer none of these questions, but in our defence a horny clown made of straw is a bit of a distraction. The Twists are possessed by the spirits of a carnival that died in a shipwreck and also a lady clown who died in completely different circumstances because carnival folk all share a single pulsating biosoul that screams to me from beyond the veil.  

In this heart-throbbing instalment, your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, do all they can to work out the difference between mind control and seduction. What does a teenage boy do when he's unlucky in love? Well, if your name is Pete Twist and your erotic fantasies involve a cowboy costume and an alley, you accept some petrified chap stick from an Australian carnie guaranteed to drive the females wild. Magical lipstick that makes women kiss you? What is this, a hentai? The number of times adult women make out with underage boys in this episode indicates that yes, it is.  

In this culturally significant instalment, your Accredited Australians, Aaron and Gabe, peer through an incredibly Australian lens to view incredibly Australian pastimes: racing animals that can't race and possibly racist depictions of Asians. What's faster, a toad or the speed at which your cosmopolitan upbringing cringes at a Japanese guy delightedly photographing a naked boy? Too late, you're on a list. On the plus side, we find out what it takes to actually kill an Australian toad, whether or not you should scream at a teenage girl about shrivelling, and that our fans are depressing abominations.  

This week, your Accredited Australians, Gabriel and Aaron, have to make a confession. Playing “Wild Colonial Boy” on a gum leaf will spread pain, just not by transmitting injuries. Everything else we say about this country is 100% true, though. Either way, this episode sees Linda take out her body dysmorphia in typical girl fashion: committing war crimes with forbidden weapons in nitrous oxide fuelled drug hallucinations. We think Teen Vogue did a whole issue on it. Speaking of issues, our listeners send us more stories, the kind that make us wish we didn't have listeners.

What do you get when you combine David Lynch, David Cronenberg, and some of Australia's finest winos? Witness your Accredited Australians, Aaron Twist and Gabriel also Twist, as they put the halves of a brain they each have toward solving this baffling conundrum. The Two Daves' influence is felt everywhere, as the Twist family fail to learn a lesson from a wish-granting Santa monster, and pack a flashback into a dream sequence into a podcast blurb dear god how do I escape.

What features time freezing, force feeding, and stomach inflation but isn't a pornographic Japanese cartoon? Why, it's today's episode of Round the Twist, “The Spaghetti Pigout”. Your abandoned Twists, Aaron and Gabriel, take a purely platonic look at how the dangerous new fad “elec-tricity” can turn the harmless VCR remote into a tool of really quite imaginable power. Thrill as the ABC effects department uses the fast forward button! Marvel as Gabriel struggles to tell two feral children apart! Shriek as Aaron points out some of Australia's most frightening uggos! Cringe at stories from our listeners! It's all here because nowhere else would take it. Write to us at ihavefeltlikethis@yahoo.com

In a timely episode, our Accredited Australians learn why you should never rely on the withdrawal method when making sweet love to cabbages. For starters, the Cabbage Dimension finds the whole thing extremely rude, and also because children like Bronson get left raising green babies that a worrying amount of authority figures believe to be biologically his. Speaking of infants born screaming into the world, Gabriel Twist unveils his Million Dollar Intro Theme for the podcast, and the boys learn more than they care to while reading fan E-mails. Write to us at ihavefeltlikethis@yahoo.com

Your Accredited Australians have reached episode three! If this were a Rove show they’d be cancelled by now, so we’re celebrating our non-cancellation in that most Australian of ways: getting other people to do our work for us. That’s right, ANSWER THE QUESTION by emailing us at ihavefeltlikethis@yahoo.com with your episode-inspired stories so we can read them on air and laugh at someone else for a change. Meanwhile, the Twists use drooling bovine skull child abuse to get a senior citizen’s dental work done in a remarkably prescient comment on proposed NDIS changes.

 Episode aired 11 April 1989 Nell is hospitalized when she claims to have been attacked by a dragon. While Mr Gribble takes advantage of her absence to try to reclaim her cottage, the Twist family set out to find the dragon.

----more----Were you born in the early 80s or early 90s? Does the sight of a freckled ginger child remind you of the paranormal? Does the mere mention of a lighthouse get a song stuck in your head? If so, you may have been exposed to dangerous levels of the children’s television program “Round the Twist”. Join Accredited Australians Aaron Costello and Gabriel Morton on a quest to rewatch the whole series and finally answer if they have, in fact, ever felt like this.