Marie has feelings

S2E10 So I got my first tattoo! Boom! It was going to be perfect and then suddenly it wasn't because… the tattoo artist wasn't there. It was a scheduling miscommunication and what unfolded next was all meant to be. January 22, 2006 could've been my last day. But a miracle stepped in (I not exaggerating) and on January 23rd I woke up to the first day of my life (channeling Bright Eyes). There have been so many moments since where I have thought “I would've missed this”. But thank God, I stayed. Thank God, so many beautiful moments have since.

S2E9 I feel like I get all of my best ideas/realizations when I am driving, cleaning or in the shower. Notice how I didn't say “sitting”. Maybe that is because I don't do it often out of some very western inability to be still. Life seems to be throwing me endless curveballs. I don't know if that will ever stop. But I am finding that God is showing up in even the smallest details. To me, Beauty my proof that there is a divine, ever loving God. This is my strength and my peace in the midst of so many storms. I hope you find comfort in this episode. Feel free to follow me on instagram @mariehasfeelingspodcast and to check out my program website: mindfulwarrior.info :) I am taking new clients and would love to journey with you. Sending big hugs! -marie

“Quick discloser: I don't like underwear” and also- October was so intense!!! It basically started with me accidentally (basically) mooning my kids' karate class, followed by things like a grief retreat, a drive by shooting that ended with a bullet hole in my van. And then there was the wedding of one of Nick's dearest friends. It was beautiful and heartbreaking all at once because Nicholas wasn't there. I'm relieved to be in November and grateful to share my newest episode with you. Xoxo.

S2E7 In this episode I don't filter, because motherhood doesn't come with one. It is raw! I always wanted to be a mom. Had anyone told me what pregnancy and labor are ACTUALLY like I would've been too terrified to even try! But I was blissfully unaware of what was waiting for me. It was so worth it! But there was so much (and still is) that I could've never prepared for- including what it feel like to not sleep a full night for, well- years. Or cabbage leaves actually do help with engorgement. Google it. I didn't predict that I would feel so much of everything. Motherhood is a collage of wonder and terror, beauty and ugly, chaos and calm. It calls you on to be the best version of yourself, which in turn, forces you to confront the worst. I wouldn't change it for anything. Not for the perfect waistline, not for the most exciting trip or the fanciest house… not even for a full night's sleep. It is the greatest gift I have ever received. One that I treasure with all of my ever expanding heart.

When I said that they could “stop by” I didn't expect them to actually come. I was 19 and it was a “Minnesota nice” thing to say… I often reflect on what happened over that course of time. One little comment turned into a week that was part Wes Anderson part SNL when it comes to measurement of weirdness. It haunts me in a funny and not so funny way when I am about to engage in new social experiences. How weird am I? What sort of person must I actually be to have a track record of attracting such… characters? Ok, so I am getting ready to go to an ice cream social for my kids' school and I am suddenly flooded by self doubt when it comes to making friends! I want to be likable. I want to be “the cool mom”. But let's get real! I am not. As I type this, I have a stain on my shirt and it's from me, probably dribbling coffee on myself somehow. I don't know when. And I don't know how. And that is the problem!! Anyway… you'll have to listen to this masterpiece to get the full story. Buckle up, baby and enjoy

Missing my brother is a regular part of my day. It's like brushing my teeth or going to bed at night. Missing him is part of breathing in and out. Just the way loving him was. Just the way loving him is… I am preparing for the 10th anniversary of his death- August 6th is tomorrow. I am preparing and reflecting and feeling as much as I can handle. And against my better judgement- I am sharing my journey with you.

Trigger Warning! About 2 weeks ago I found out that a harmful and dangerous priest has recently had his facilitation of abuse labeled as “poor judgement”. He has been given a parish to be in charge of in Minneapolis, MN. It is absolutely unacceptable and If ANYONE describes the coverup of clergy sexual abuse as “poor judgement” again, I will lose it! This priest is Father Kevin McDonough and was responsible for protecting Fr.Michael Keating, the priest who abused me as well as countless other clergymen including Fr Curtis Wehmeyer. This Information threw me into a tailspin of painful memories and triggers. But I didn't let the pain win. I felt the fear and I did it any way. The details of this episode are very personal. I share with you what facing the flashbacks, fear and pain felt like. How I fought through it. And how I found joy in the end!

Ok, it is time that I admit to you all that I love MMA- Mixed Martial Arts.  I just can't help myself.  I am learning how to be in my body.  And I mean to really embody my human experience.  I didn't realize how important staying "in my body" was until I realized that it was something I had to fight for...  As much as I love a beautiful vinyasa flow, I can not deny the fighter in me and this is the year that I decided to embrace it. I am taking my love of yoga, breath work and mindfulness and walking where else, but into a Dojo to learn Roufosport Kickboxing and Jiu Jitsu! It has only been a few months, but as you can imagine, I've had a lot of feelings about it.  Enjoy!    

Regardless of how progressive we have gotten as a society, mental health is still very taboo. I have PTSD and that diagnoses seems to be the umbrella that covers all of the mental health struggles I have faced over the years. I don't want to scare people away, but I also don't want to hide the fact that mental wellness is a daily journey for me. I would much rather talk about my gluten sensitivity or tell you that high cholesterol runs in my family. The truth is though, we are all so much more than one aspect of our story. We are many pages in a huge book! If can stop defining myself by one chapter in my story, maybe I will have the courage to allow people to see and love all of me.

The day I was flicked off by a driver near my house threw me into an identity crisis. I wanted to be understanding, maybe they were stressed, maybe they had an emergency, maybe, maybe, maybe... next thing I knew I wanted to roll down my window and cream out a litany of really, um.... not nice things. What does it mean to be a nice person? A kind person? A good person? Who am I if I am both awful and wonderful? What does it mean to be scared and brave? In this episode- I explore it all. And recall the life changing lessons my brother Nicholas taught me to move through the tension of shadow and light.

Welcome to the Marie Has Feelings Podcast! If you are new here- hi! I'm Marie :) if you're coming back for another round of my antics- thank you! (blushes a bit and breathes sigh of relief). Listen to this little trailer to get a sense of what your getting yourself into. Sending you all lots of gratitude and love! Talk soon!

Taking the risk of starting my own podcast has been so worth it! I am overflowing with creativity for this project and that is why I know I need to pause and prepare for the next chapter of this journey. Thank you listening to all of my ramblings. I will be back soon! Xo

Being with Anthony for over 12 years has changed and grown me in ways I never imagined. He is kind and strong and it is his disarming way that first allowed me to begin the process of unpacking all of my baggage. It was his gentle way, that made feel safe enough to make space for his. Although the process has been painful at times and incredibly messy, I am sincerely grateful. It is the gift of true intimacy to go beyond telling a story and into truly living out a new narrative of healing, forgiveness and joy.

It is so hard to find Hope when things don't go the way you expected. It is even harder when you continue to be met with disappointment and adversity.I don't exactly know why it is even worth it... to keep trying, to get up again. But there is a part of me that knows that without it, life will feel so empty. Not getting into Juilliard was one of many but it opened the door into a bravery I never knew I could have.

I am so grateful for my conversation with my brother, Luke Spehar. Luke is married to his sweetheart Elizabeth and the most amazing dad to three precious little girls. He is an independent musician and I know I light enough bias, but he is amazing! We talk a lot and often our conversations weave from own thing into the next and this was no exception. I feel so fortunate to be able to explore the questions with someone so dear. Make sure to check him out at www.lukespeharmusic.com. HUGS :)

I've been having the strangest nightmares lately. I wake up believing the main lie of the dream and then Over the course of the day, come back to the truth. How often are we caught up in the stories we tell ourselves. The lies of “not enough”ness, of perfection over goodness, of perfection over true beauty. In this episode, I invite you into my raw reflection of these very questions. I enter into the space with a bit of fear but find myself calmed and inspired by the bravery of the little ones who make my days chaotic and magical all at once.

Salsa dancing was a world that I fell into with unexpected love and delight. It will forever be one of my favorite passions. It also opened me up to many strange dating experiences in my early twenties. I would love to share with you one of the strangest chain of events that ultimately led me to deeper realization of how blessed I am to be with Anthony! Hope you enjoy this one and if you feel so inspired, maybe grab a cup of hot chocolate

This year, as always, I step into the holidays with a deep sense of gratitude and a heartbreaking sense of loss. My brother died almost 10 years ago and I don't know if I will ever totally heal from that. I don't know if I want to. What I do know, is that I don't want to miss out on the blessing of my living siblings. We have a lot to celebrate! Weddings and babies and miracles mending the fray. Today, I share some of the details of this story. It has turned out to be one of both tragedy and unprecedented blessing.

I would just love to share with you my work history. I feel that it will not only expand your mind but also give you some very unnecessary insight into how I managed employed in my early 20s. Super dooper fun!

I remember how easy it was to be a parent before I had kids! Ah! My imaginary kids were the best! And even better, I was the most perfect imaginary mom! Now that I am living the life I didn't accurately imagine at all, I am grateful and inspired. ANNNDDD because life doesn't wait for you, I am having to untangle so much in real time. One of the biggest things is my faith. How do I navigate the beauty and goodness of the faith I grew up with, paired with the very serious trauma it caused. How do I pass along what feels the most true with out letting my wounds tell the whole story. I am leaning into that question and throwing in a few “fuck you”s along the way.

I am so excited to lead you through a 15 minute yoga class! We will be focusing on our breath and finding a bit of calm in the midst of the chaos. You don't need anything but yourself and as always, that is enough.

Let me share with you a bit about my mom. Being in quarantine with my children is only making me appreciate my appreciate her even more! The love I have for my littles only magnifies my mother's sacrifice and love for us. The older I get, the younger she seems to me. She is a witness of self-acceptance, forgiveness, ambition, growth and self-care. I always need her. I always love to hear her voice. And I am forever grateful.

My new haircut had me feeling like a French babe until I realized.... well, you'll find out soon enough.

In this episode, I am very honest about how I thought I had made some progress. I thought I had found my rhythm! I made commitments and created space to follow through... and then, we tested positive for Covid-19. I am recording this episode from the dark hollows of quarantine. I am trying to figure out (on the fly) how to engage in and grow the things that make me feel like “me”. I am also trying to be embrace the vulnerability of exploring this “publicly”. All for the greater good of not hiding anymore. PS: anyone know how to add show notes?

I went to the gym this morning applause

In this episode, I share the humble awakening of how ignorant I have been to to the extent of oppression the black community has experienced. I don't have words. It was statement from my 5 year old son that gave me a sense of how to get over myself and show up. The deep gratitude I feel for the power of presence is pouring like light today.

In this episode I hold space for the societal pressures women face when it comes to their beauty and worth. And the pain and weariness that comes from pushing against that false narrative in order to give and receive love in the most authentic way.

In this episode, I invite you to meet my Grandpa Herbie and My Grandma Viv. They were quirky, beautiful people who animated my life with love (and lots of scrabble). I miss them daily and find comfort in thinking of them today and everyday.

It's Election Day! I have feelings about that.... In this episode I share the amazing story of the day I met my dear friend Shilpa. I make space for the fear and tension we are holding as a nation on this historic day. And I open up about the parts of myself that I have had to confront, forgive and hold in order to change and grow. Shilpa, I am forever grateful for you and as I told you years ago, I would make a podcast and one of the episodes would be about you. Here it is! Love Always.

My dress is too tight! I have feelings about that....