Tim Drugan's Story Time

Episode 36: Tim talks about a dresser he bought and put together from a chic online store, a dresser that turned out to be of abhorrent quality.~This episode represents the end of Season 1 for Tim Drugan's Story Time. The show will return after a short break. For updates on its developments and other fun things, subscribe to Tim's email list at timdrugan.com. Thank you for listening.

Episode 35: Tim talks about fixing his out-of-true wheel, or better put, taking his bike into a bike shop to have an expert fix his out-of-true wheel. Was Tim's ego crushed by the attitude of the bike shop owner towards Tim's lack of bike maintenance? Yes, yes it was. ~ For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 34: Tim is under the impression that if he changes his appearance everything in his life will change for the better. What if he grows out his hair? Or grows a mustache? Or wears a hat? No? None of that is helping? But wait, what about if he tries wearing a new shirt?~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 33: Tim describes his own trial and errors in the interview process so his listeners can learn from his mistakes and blow away any recruiter. ~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 32: Tim and his lovely wife move into his new place, leading Tim to realize just how much stuff he has. So he decides to get rid of even more after his move, mainly old sporting equipment he's too afraid to use lest he destroy his apartment and go to prison for life.~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 31: Tim plays recordings of Best Man and Maid of Honor speeches from weddings he has attended (Tim has attended lots and lots of weddings, for Tim has lots and lots of friends). In playing such recordings, Tim hopes his listeners will gain insight into what works and what doesn't when they are writing their own speeches. ~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 30: Tim discovers a new, yet timeless look of wearing toe socks in open-toed sandals. Maverick.~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 29: Tim recently read an article and heard an interview about the longest-lived people and their dispositions. Turns out, to live a long time you have to be laid back, you've got to not let anything get to you. Unfortunately for Tim, everything gets to him. ~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 28: Tim talks about realizing he might not be a smart man, due to not being able to find the deeper meaning in classic literature. I mean, why don't you just say what you need to say? Don't go hiding it under layers and layers of metaphor!~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 27: Tim talks about how he's better than everyone else now that he has read all of the Lord of the Ring's books by J.R.R. Tolkein. He does, however, have some critiques on both the novels and the movies, mainly regarding Frodo Baggins and what a terrible character he is.~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

This is a trailer, and an unhelpful one at that.For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 26: Tim talks about his distain for grocery shopping and his wife's irritating call for variety in their meals.  ~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 25: On looking for a new place to live, Tim and his wife face the decision whether to rent or buy a house (or townhome, or apartment, or condo). But it's not really a decision, is it? After all, if you don't have the money to buy a house, you can't buy a house. And if you don't have the emotional maturity to buy a house, you probably shouldn't buy a house. No need to spend a ridiculous amount of time tinkering with Rent Vs Buy calculators.Then, Tim talks about an apartment that he and his lovely wife recently toured. The pictures looked nice, but the actual space left something to be desired.~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 24: Tim talks about  shopping for a car and making a fool of himself at the car dealership in the finance office. Then, Fredrick gets a rude awakening when he begins shopping for a private jet so people will forget how short he is.~So why was he in the market for a private jet? Because it was growing rather tiresome having to tell people that though he had walked to dinner, he could have taken a private jet. “Yeah, from my penthouse, I walked here. It's no big deal, I just have two working legs that carried me here from my PENTHOUSE APARTMENT!”Fredrick wanted instead to rattle down the road in a private jet, landing in the middle of a European city with great restaurants. He wasn't sure exactly how that worked, how private jets were able to land right in front of European restaurants, but that's what he'd heard. And upon showing up in a private jet, everyone would be so impressed they wouldn't notice how short he was. “Look at that short fucking fellow!” someone had said when Fredrick had gone to the town next to Longsville by the name of Puny Town. Everyone was massive in Puny Town. “What a short SHORT MAN! I cannot get over just how short that man is! Everyone! EVERYONE! STOP EATING AND LOOK AT HOW SHORT THAT MAN IS!”On his trip to Puny Town, no one has stopped remarking on Fredrick's shortness long enough for him to explain that he was actually quite tall for people from Longsville, especially when compared to his Asshole Brother Jim, who was the shortest man Fredrick had ever seen. “I'm so sorry,” someone in Puny Town had said to Fredrick. “I realize you're trying to speak, yes, I see you trying to interject, but I just CANNOT get over JUST how SHORT YOU ARE! Even if I let you speak I WILL NOT be able to listen for I am AGHAST at WHAT A SHORT MAN YOU ARE!”~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 23: Tim hears his wife and in-laws singing a number from one of his favorite musicals, My Fair Lady,  but the lyrics are changed. In sharing this recording, Tim hopes one of his listeners might be able to enlighten him as to the meaning of the song, as he is simply confounded.~For more, visit timdrugan.com. 

Episode 22: Tim talks about how nice it is to realize that expensive hobbies aren't worth the money.  ~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 21: Tim laments his dear friend Moe, who is compassionate and makes Tim feel appreciated. What an asshole.Then, Jorge wants to learn how to unicycle (the most majestic of all the art forms) but knows that one cannot do anything they are not good at. His ignorant friend Rafael, however, makes the dire mistake of believing one can better themselves.~Jorge waved away Rafael's words. “Do not be ridiculous. You cannot buy a unicycle just as I cannot buy a unicycle. Unicycles are only for people who know how to unicycle. That is not us. We do not know how to unicycle.” Rafael frowned. “Well, yeah, we don't know now, but if we get a unicycle and practice at some point we will know how to unicycle.” “But we do not know how to unicycle now,” Jorge said, shaking his head. “That is the main point. So we cannot buy unicycles. If we do not know how to unicycle, we cannot buy unicycles no matter how much I'd like to buy a unicycle. The only people who can buy unicycles are those who know how to unicycle. I am sorry Rafael. I feel your pain. I too want to learn how to ride a unicycle, for to me it is the most majestic of all the art forms.” Rafael rubbed his chin while looking at his friend. “You do realize that every person who knows how to unicycle at one point didn't know how to unicycle, right?” he said. “The only way you learn how to do something is to accept that at first you don't know how to do that thing. No one is born knowing how to unicycle.” Jorge kept his gaze in the shop window, staring at the unicycles that seemed to glow with a halo behind them. “Some people are,” Jorge said. “Some people just know how to unicycle. And those people are the ones who are allowed to buy unicycles.”~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 20: Tim talks about his disgust with the Harry Potter movie franchise and its insistence on making him feel inadequate.  Then, he shares a recreation of a conversation he heard many years ago while hiding behind a curtain in Hollywood. It was a conversation between the higher ups of the Harry Potter movie franchise before they began filming the third movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. ~I've never worked for a casting agency, so I cannot imagine the difficulties that lie therein. But I can only imagine what a disappointment it must be to have casted a young tot, a whole cast of young tots, to find out that as they age, despite all the practice, despite their access to the greatest acting coaches money can buy, a good three quarters of them can't act worth a turd. I can't speak for everyone, but I at least would have been totally fine should the producers of the Harry Potter franchise decided that they'd had enough with the original cast and swapped out the old for a set of new. Just as they could have gleaned over the differences in landscape with some of the dialogue from Hagrid I provided previously, they could have had the new Harry stop, with the new Ron and the new Hermione, and say “Isn't this great! I mean, how wonderful is it that our emotions are actually believable now! I mean, now I can actually spark some emotional commitment from the viewer because of my competent acting.” See? That totally would have covered the transition. My final critique with the films is a critique that could be used with almost every movie that is based on a book. I just don't like their interpretation of it. My mind created a world based on the words I read and the movie didn't exactly match this mental image. That the producers could not possibly know what I imagined in my mind is completely beside the point! That's their job! To match what's in my head!~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 19: Tim talks about his time running food in Boston and describes the thickening of his accent to ingratiate himself with the locals.~The building housing the restaurant I worked at was previously a saddle and bridle store, they also sold other leather goods having to do with horses, whatever other leather goods there are to do with horses, but only saddle and bridle made it into the store's name. Apparently it took until 2013 for the owner of said saddle and bridle store to realize that most people had given up trotting about on something that shits in favor of an unfeeling machine. What took the owner so long to accept societies change in preference, I'm not sure. Maybe he or she never went outside or even glanced outside, instead just toiling away in blissful ignorance. Or maybe the owner was in denial. “People like horses,” perhaps the owner said. “They might not know it, but they do, they like horses. It won't be long now before they realize they can't have a relationship with their car they way they can with a horse, and they'll want to return to horses. Just you wait. Then we'll be back in business. Then everyone will need saddles again. Saddles and bridles and other leather goods pertaining to horses.” For simplicities sake, let's say the restaurant I ended up working in, the restaurant that took over the building from the saddle and bridle store, that also sold other leather goods pertaining to horses, let's call this restaurant The Taproom. This is not the name, of course, but I don't want anything coming back to bite me.Management of The Taproom conducted open interviews in an Irish Pub, as the building The Taproom would be located in had not yet finished its transformation. Turns out hundreds of years of bridle making creates quite a mess. The open interviews were advertised on Craigslist, which of course brought the creme de la creme of the Boston area to the specified location. I stood in line with a whole bunch of other schmucks who also had such little offer society that the only way they could get an interview was when the hiring process didn't have a strainer to deter the worst of the dregs. Some of the applicants got drunk while waiting for their turn conversing with potential future bosses. Surprisingly these fine fellows did not end up employed.~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 18: Tim unveils his new conversational tactics: Contribution Sharing and Mansplaining. Then, Jeff takes it upon himself to educate an educated dinner party on their own professions.~The rocket scientist who was seated across the table from Jeff leaned forward. “Are you a food critic?” she asked. “Is that why you introduced the meal as well.”Jeff waved his hand. “Oh no,” he said. “Not a food critic. Actually, I suppose you could call me that. Yes, I do have an intimate relationship with food. I am very knowledgable about food. I have been eating it for almost my entire life.”“Almost?” the heart surgeon said. “Well yes,” Jeff said. “I started eating food right after I was weaned off my mother's breast milk. I think you would agree that that is quite a long time to have been eating food. So yes, I have quite a lot of experience with food. So yes, you can call me a food critic. I am a food critic.”The heart surgeon couldn't take it anymore. This Jeff fellow, yeah, more like this Jeff ASSHOLE just sat there nibbling nibbling away on the food he put on his plate. Even though the heart surgeon had asked him questions, even though the heart surgeon had asked Jeff several questions, Jeff wasn't turning to the heart surgeon and asking what the heart surgeon did! How could the heart surgeon brag about being a heart surgeon if no one asked him what he did? He could just say it! Unprompted! “I'm a heart surgeon!” the heart surgeon blurted out. “I do surgery on hearts.”~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 17: Tim talks about his dear friend Ross, a man who frequents the park where Tim walks his charming, leash-aggressive pup Winifred. Ross (Tim's delightful friend) holds an affinity for calling Tim a faggot. And then, to turn the tables (as a table turner) on the history of Pray the Gay Away camps and humanity's storied history of homophobia, Tim shares a story about two heterosexual students pulled into the principal's office to discuss their disgusting habit.~Sue leaned forward. “We're not choosing,” she said to the administrators. “This is just how Pete and I are. It feels right. It feels natural.”“Natural?! It feels NATURAL?!” The counselor stopped yelling to glance towards the principal to see if his permission to speak had been redacted. She nodded at him to continue. He took a deep breath. “Why don't you take a look at Mark 19:12teen: He who lies with she as he should be lying with he, and she who lies with he as she should be lying with she, are destined for eternal suffering.”Pete frowned while the counselor nodded at the students as though that particular piece of scripture had answered all their questions. “What?” Pete said. “I didn't get that.”“God wants you to suck dick!” the counselor yelled at Pete. “The lord wants you jerking off other dudes. Why else would He have given you a dick of your own to practice with?”~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 16: Tim takes a break from fiction to give the listener a window into his past success as a runner. Tim's sister does not hold a candle to Tim's prowess as an athlete, nor do Tim's parents. The jealousy Tim has to deal with from his family members on a day-to-day basis is a burden that Tim bears with great aplomb.~Middle school and early high school were the peak years of my running prowess. Cross country, that was the season I ran. Through the autumnal, tick-filled, mosquito-infested woods of New Hampshire I ran, trying to pretend I wasn't tired even though I was tired, very tired. My thoughts, while running, focused solely on ways to get out of future training runs that the team engaged in each day after school. Thinking back, I still can't believe I ran every day after school. What kind of child abuse was that? What mental tomfoolery did my parents engage in to convince me that I wanted to torture myself? For I chose to be on the cross country team. Of my own volition. Was I just mentally stunted? Was I? As bugs bunny would say, a maroon? What an ignoranamous!I must have had an assumption, back then, when I was a BOY, that because of my parents' affinity for the practice, and because of my sister's success (she regularly won races, even back in middle school, but we'll get more to that later) I held an assumption that I would be on the fast track to success of my own should I just keep running. With those genetics backing me up? Of course I would be an elite runner. This, however, was not the case. Not even close. I was, on my best days, average, and on my worst brutally mediocre. “Average and mediocre are kinda the same words, Tim.” Yeah? Well, go fuck yourself.~For more, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 15: Tim talks about his addiction to technology and his problems as a gullible man. His fears were only heightened after watching The Social Dilemma on Netflix, starring Tristan Harris and the Center for Humane Technology. The article Tim referenced regarding mental downtime can be read at https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/.Then, a tour trolley tour guide leads us through the town of Conpamtaplople, a town where the citizens have given up technology with the hopes of rediscovering their compassionate humanity. ~Excuse me, sir, sir, do not wave to the locals or take pictures of them. You will only make matters worse for them on their journey. Yes, sir, I realize they're pleading for you to take their picture, yes, I can hear their begging, but you must ignore them, yes, even as they rattle the trolly. Yes, madam, of course I realize that people are not only pushing against the side of my tour trolly. Yes, of course I've seen people throwing themselves in front of my tour trolly. Why do you think there is such a large protective grate on the front of this vehicle? Do you think this is the first tour trolly tour I've given? DO YOU THINK I AM AN UTTER AND COMPLETE NOVICE?! That isn't even the first person this tour. Conpamtaplople has no speed bumps. Every jostle you've felt thus far has been the body of someone who has voluntarily thrown themselves before our trolly. No, they're not trying to kill themselves, madam, calm down. They're just trying to maim themselves so they have something to complain about.Oh come on, don't act all surprised. You must have noticed that everyone here, outside of those on the tour trolly of course, walks with a limp or is missing a limb or carries a collection of bruises of varying color. Those are not accidents. You see, one thing that the founders of Conpamtaplople failed to grasp was the extend that people had grown addicted to the abuse they received online. When their phones and computers and tablets and robots and smart televisions and intelligent printers and philosophical microwaves were taken away, there was nothing to be upset about, there was not nearly so much to complain about. So the newly arrived citizens of Conpamtaplople needed to find reasons for themselves.~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 14:  A man named Rufus catches onto a psychopath's hints of atrocities and acts in a heroic manner. The story is preceded by a verbal book report that Tim gives without the listener's consent. It is Tim's podcast and he shall do as he pleases, including record boring episodes that few will enjoy. Tim got the idea for this story after reading 3/4 of American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. In the first part of the episode, Tim discusses why this and Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov are the two novels he has recently quit near their culmination. He also discusses Donald Trump's appearance in American Psycho, and why Patrick Bateman might hold our intellectually inquisitive leader in such high regard.~Albert sat in the restaurant booth waiting for the dish from his appetizer to be taken away and for his main course to be brought. Not that he would eat much of it anyway. It would be absurd to spend 3,000 dollars on a suit, a suit from an expensive brand mind you, just to gain a gut that would make said suit not fit right. Albert picked a piece of lint off of his expensive suit, the jacket and pants from Tommy Mountaintigger and the vest by Kanye Vest, and flicked the lint onto the floor. His shoes were sewn from the skin of a tiger's bladder, from the designer, Franz Plantzienstein, also known as Poochi.Sharing the table with Albert were two other men also in suits from similarly expensive brands. One was wearing a combo by Ralphie Lauren, and the other was sporting a mish mash of pieces from Douglas Fur, Ponderosa Pine, with shoes by a plain old Christmas tree. These two men sat across the table from Albert. Albert looked at them through his expensive pair of non prescription glasses, from the designer Tina is Cray, and nodded to himself when he felt assured that his suit was indeed the most expensive of the three. ~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 13: Richard does not understand the difference between spy movies and the work done at real intelligence agencies. The idea for this story came from watching the movie Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, a 2011 film starring Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy, and others (of course). In watching said film, and comparing its actors to the dashing good looks of Daniel Craig and the sexiness of MI6 as shown in Bond movies, Tim became worried about recruitment for spy agencies when they're shown to be so drab.~“Be that as it may,” the examiner said, becoming frustrated against her better intentions. “We are in here to discuss your continued reference to ‘babes' as a perk of this position. Now, this is a common misconception of the job, but one we must straighten out before you continue forward in the process. You have been heard saying a number of times that, ‘Bond gets the babes' and “I'm going to get the babes, just like Bond.” Richard, I'm afraid that is untrue.”What focus had wandered now became hyper focused on the examiner. “Of course that's true,” Richard said. “Bond gets the babes. There's nothing remotely untrue about that. Everyone knows that Bond gets the babes. Bond gets the babes. And I'm gonna get the babes, just like bond, who gets the babes.”The examiner waved her hand. “Of course,” she said. “You misunderstand me, Richard. What I mean is that this job is not as glamorous as Hollywood makes it seem. You will be a spy for MI6, yes, like James Bond. But MI6 is radically different in real life than in the movies. And if you do not adjust your expectations you will be sorely suited for this position.”Richard scoffed before muttering to himself. “Bond doesn't get the babes?” he said. “This lady says Bond doesn't get the babes. Watch any movie with Bond, James Bond, any movie, and what do you see? What does anyone see? Bond getting the babes. Bond gets the babes.”~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 12: In this special, seasonal episode, Tim offers his own version of a Christmas Classic, a new rendition of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, also known as A Visit from St. Nicholas. The original version was written by Clement Clarke Moore. This version, the better version, was written by Tim Drugan. Here's wishing you the happiest of holidays and the greatest of tidings. May your halls be decked and your fa las be fa la la la la la la la la.~Yet just then Rudolph returned and began purportingTo have been doing something other than the cocaine he'd been snorting.“What's cracking?” Rudolph said, sniffing repeatedly. “How's everyone feeling? Feeling good? Good, great, terrific. I feel fantastic. I feel like I'm on fire. I'm burning up, baby!”“You feel like you're on fire?” Donner said after retching once more into the bucket in his hands. “Maybe you have a fever. And if you have a fever we really shouldn't go. Coronavirus is nothing to mess with. We should all quarantine. Maybe draw ourselves a nice bath. I'm sure all the world's children will understand. No need to take a test, we should just assume the worst. How long should we stay home? I'd say seven to ten months just to be safe.”Dasher crossed her arms which were also her legs. And looked at Rudolph, who was scratching his eggs. “Rudolph,” she said. “Your nose is bleeding again. Don't you think Santa is going to figure out your drug use with how red your nose is?”“Santa loves my nose,” Rudolph said, waving away her words with his hoof. “You're just jealous because I light the way of the sleigh and I've got a song about me. Rudolph the motherfuckin red nosed reindeer. That's me, bitch.” *snort* “God, I feel terrific.”~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 11: After making use of the lessons available in the Waking Up  and Headspace Meditation apps, Tim feels ready (certainly more ready than Sam Harris or Andy Puddicombe) to lead his listeners in a calming, grounding, and panic attack inducing meditation. Then, Cody, a man with a terrible singing voice and too much confidence, has an altercation with the Lord, or the son of the Lord (depending on your interpretation of the holy trinity). ~Now, if this were a nice story, Cody would've made up for his terrible singing by accompanying it with an unshakable faith in God and a dedication to the tenets of his religion that would've made him the epitome of Good. In this other story, Cody would've been the top volunteer in the church, helping to organize pot lucks and coat drives, leading bible study sessions and instilling an affinity of the Lord in the children of the church. In a nice story, all this goodness and service would've made Cody's singing that much more endearing. “He just loves the Lord,” the members of the congregation would've said while dabbing the tears from the corners of their eyes. “Look at how he's singing. Do you know, I saw him just this morning pushing Helen's wheelchair so she could get the best seat in the house? God, Helen, she is so frail, she looks like a raisin, and Cody was pushing her, pushing her down the aisle so she could have the best seat in the house. That Cody, he is such a good and sweet man. And that Helen, God, look at that Helen, that Helen is so fucking old!”But this is not that nice story. I know, I know, I'm disappointed too. But there is nothing we can do about that. In this story, the real story, Cody was not a good member of the church. At potlucks, Cody wouldn't help organize, Cody would not even bring a dish, to a potluck, can you believe that? Cody would, however, eat heaping plates of all that brought by others and would then critique the food, critique their dishes, with a look of disdain ever painting his face. “This is gross,” Cody said. “Disgusting. Repulsive. Haven't you heard of seasoning, Helen? Did you forget there's such a thing as salt, you wicked witch of the west? Don't you know that you should season with salt and pepper at every step of the cooking process? You know what? I should roll you off a cliff, that's what I should do, or roll you into traffic for bringing such horrible macaroni and cheese without any fucking FLAVOR!” ~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 10: Four men are stuck at sea, dying of thirst and dehydration after a whale attacked their ship. About to kill one of their shipmates to eat him, they are interrupted.  Tim got the idea for this story from the book In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex by Nathaniel Philbrick: a book that documents the true events that inspired the classic and terrifically difficult to read novel Moby Dick by Herman Melville.  A movie of the same name, a major motion picture called In the Heart of the Sea, is also based on the nonfiction book (it better be, sharing its name and all), and might be worth a watch. Though critics panned it, lay folk seem to like it. And the movie stars Chris Hemsworth and Tom Holland, better known as Spiderman and Thor, so that's neat. ~After they decided who would die—the short lot falling to a man named John—they had to decide between the others who would be executing John. But before they could repeat the process of lot drawing with the three others, the boat rocked and water sloshed against its wooden slides that were as weathered and beat down as the men they carried. The starving men frantically—or as frantically as those who have not eaten in days could—looked around for the source of the disturbance. Was a killer whale intent on upending their meager craft? Or was it the shark returned, the shark they had beaten back days before to keep it from chewing a hole in their boat and lowering the men into the prehistoric killer's abode? Despite their frail state, fear still found a way to nourish itself in the men's stomachs.There was no shark. No killer whale jostled the boat. Rather, it was a portly middle aged fellow, popped out of thin air, who now rested on one of the seats near the stern of the boat. Dressed in a checkered button down shirt, a clashing tie, slacks, and a tweed jacket, the man nodded at those in the boat before taking stock of his surroundings, squinting about at the open sea and making a few rapid notes in a notebook held in his lap. He sighed at the drying out of his pen and reached into his coat for another, tapping it to his tongue before resuming his scribbling. “Hotter than I expected,” he muttered. “Should've left my jacket in my office.”~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 9: A man has an interview, while a voice in his head is hell-bent on getting him into a sales role so she can put her tactics to use. Tim got the idea for this story from his job search during quarantine, with his lovely wife ever coaching him to answer questions better in interviews than he normally would. ~The voice in his head, Madeline, had been with Jimmy for some time. Jimmy couldn't be sure when exactly she had showed up. Had she been with him before he lost his previous job? Or was she a result of the excessive amounts of marijuana Jimmy had smoked to deal with the months of unemployment, self-medicating for the depression that settled over him as he was struck, daily, with the crushing feeling of uselessness and a lack of purpose? This latter possibility seemed more likely, and was the one Jimmy held as reality, for that explanation made the voice in his head somehow less frightening. Since she made herself at home among the other thoughts in his noggin, Jimmy had researched possible causes for psychotic episodes and had found that weed, as he had utilized with diligence, could trigger a mental break in those with a family history. And Jimmy had a family history, at least he hoped he did. It's no fun being a trail blazer for psychosis.~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 8: Tim talks about his father's enthusiasm for sharing a malady with Tim's dog, Winifred. For even when death is the likely outcome, it's nice to have company on the way.~“That's what I have!” my dad said. “Pulmonary hypertension? Exactly. Exactly. The right side of my heart is also enlarged. They put Winnie on a beta blocker? That's what I take!”Winnie is my dog. And Winnie, like my dad, has pulmonary hypertension. Winnie, however, is not as excited about sharing an illness with my dad as my dad is about sharing an illness with her. That might only be because Winnie does not know she has the same illness as my dad, because Winnie is a dog. Or maybe she does know. And maybe she is excited. But even if she is, Winnie has no means of expressing this excitement in a focused manner. Because she doesn't know how to talk. Because Winnie is a dog. My dad, however, is not a dog, and he does know how to talk. And when he gets talking about his medical issues, my dad talks plenty for both Winnie and himself.“My cardiologist has me on Amlodipine,” my dad said. “It's a calcium channel blocker that reduces the pressure in my pulmonary artery. You should ask the vet if that might work for Winnie.”~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 7: A man on vacation with his friends is wary of their desire for sexual spontaneity. They would like to engage in mid life spouse swap, a vacation spouse swap, supposedly only for a night, but is that ever how it goes? Answer: No. Once one has a taste for polygamy, it is difficult to retrain one's buds, tastebuds that is.Tim got the idea for this story after reading the book Rabbit Is Rich, the third book in the Rabbit, Run series by renowned, two time Pulitzer Prize winning author John Updike. It is important to keep that in mind. Tim got this idea from a Pulitzer Prize winning book, written by a Pulitzer Prize winning author. So any complaints about inappropriateness should be directed to John Updike and the board members of the Pulitzer Prize committee and not to Tim. Tim holds no responsibility. ~Everyone in his group was staring at him when he brought his line of sight down to that of the table. “I thought you wanted this, Steve,” Beatrice, Steve's wife, said. Her hand still clenched Charles's. “You always talk about spouse swapping.”Steve rubbed his eyes. He'd been working on his temper as of late and saw this as an opportunity to quell the emotion, at least that's how he should see it, as an opportunity, to work on quelling the emotion. For here it came. That anger, squeezing his stomach, tightening his chest, bringing heat to his face. Whether his face became as red as it felt Steve couldn't be sure. For Steve couldn't see his face. No one can see their face.But he was calm. You're calm, Steve told himself. Calm Steve. Even-keeled Steve. That's who you are. Zen master Steve.“Beatrice, darling,” Steve finally said. “The few times I've mentioned spouse swapping, and it has only been a few times, I've only brought it up to comment on its absurdity. Never once, NEVER ONCE, NOT EVEN ONE TIME, did I offer the slightest, SLIGHTEST indication that I was interested in partaking in the practice.” ~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 6: An old man standing at the altar can't remember the name of his soon-to-be wife. A classic tale of a second marriage taking place in a retirement community, rife with unhappy children worried about their inheritance and old friends who have excessive amounts of hair growing out of their ears.~At this wedding it wasn't his in-laws he had to worry about but rather his children. The oldest daughter who had sat in Edith's stomach for his first wedding now sat in the front pew. Joseph couldn't see her face. For that he was grateful for his lack of glasses. He knew his daughter and other children were not showing simple expressions of good will. Understandable, Joseph thought. No one wanted to see their father remarry. Even nine years after their mom died. Nine years? Joseph thought. Damn, Edith, you've been gone for almost a decade. His chest ached.He couldn't be sure what percentage of his children's concern was emotional and what was financial. He supposed in the end it didn't much matter. He'd already set some money aside for them. And they were grown ups. Nobody had set anything aside for him. They should be grateful they were getting anything. But he tried not to say that too much or he ended up sounding grumpy. He often sounded grumpy when his kids asked him about money. Money money money, Joseph thought. I wonder if they'd be here if I was flat broke. Maybe not. Who knows. I wouldn't have gone to my father's second wedding even if that bastard had had quarters popping out his ears, you can be sure of that. But maybe that's just because I'm financially irresponsible. ~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 5: Tim's dog, Winifred, provides a rough schedule of her daily activities after Tim fails to prepare a show.  Are we ever not amazed by what goes on inside our pets' heads? Tim is certainly always amazed. What a gift it is that Winifred opened up to give us all a first-hand look into what dogs think. Because with the testimony from one dog, we can generalize to all dogs. Stereotyping is very useful.~To further dissipate the assertion of some that I am a napaholic, might I just say that it is the preparedness that naps provide, and not the naps themselves, that I assert is important. I do not enjoy naps. I take them out of duty. It is an important piece of my job. You can never know when a squirrel or rabbit will present itself in you line of attack, or when someone will get home while you're puttering about, sniffing in the basement. The agility it takes to storm up the stairs after barking at the sound of the screen door takes both physical and mental effort, as does the wagging of one's tail and the leaping all over the newly-arrived. Of course, some pretend to not enjoy my saliva all over their face, but they do so only to convey a false sense of dignity. Everyone wants me to lick them, even after I just finished licking my rear end, despite them sometimes saying otherwise. And so, to complete these tasks, nap I must.My morning walks are often satisfactory, and occasionally stupendous. I always take a large poop that Tim picks up. Aimee used to share the duty of picking up my doodies, but now it is solely Tim who enjoys the privilege. I'm not sure what Tim did to monopolize this honor, but it must've been something awfully good. I feel terrible for Aimee having had her share in this pleasure be revoked, but I suppose life is made up of hierarchies and someone has to be at the bottom. And in poop picking up, Aimee is the lowest rung.~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 4: Tim shares a short story about a complaining llama, Doug, who hates the town waterslide. It seems that Doug hasn't read up much on enmeshment and narcissistic personality disorder.  Dougie Downer, that's what he is. A Dougie Downer. (That's a very sophisticated play on the common term Debbie Downer.)~Doug did, however, miss being the main attraction. Before there was a waterslide, the kids of the town would swim across the lake to see Doug. “How are you, Doug?” they'd say. “What's going on?“Oh, I'm bad,” Doug would say. “And it's going bad.”Doug's favorite thing, even more favorite than complaining, was having an audience for his complaining. He could barely contain his excitement when he saw the kids swimming across the lake to him. It was all he could do to bring his face into a frown when they arrived. “How's our favorite llama?” they'd say.“Oh, I'm lonely,” Doug would respond. “You kids never want to come see me. You never come to spend time with me. I'm your least favorite llama.”“We come see you all the time, Doug,” the kids would say. “And you're the only llama we know. So you must be our favorite.”Doug shrugged and turned away. “If I'm the only llama you know, that means I'm also your least favorite,” he said. “That's probably why you never even call me.”The kids laughed. “Aw, come on, Doug,” they said. “You don't even have a phone. How can we call you if you don't have a phone?”“That's just an excuse for why you don't call,” Doug said, moping.~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 3: Tim puts his old bed on the free section of Craigslist to avoid giving it to raccoons or taking it to an Eco Cycle, also known as a "Special Waste Place." In doing so, he meets a man with an interesting definition of "a truck."~If it came down to it, I could've just left the bed out on the curb by the trash. Hopefully the trash folks would've picked it up. If they hadn't, however, racoons likely would've used my old bed for a relaxation station of sorts. That last fact solidified my decision to dispose of my mattress some other way. I did not want my previous belongings falling into the hands of sewer dwellers. Raccoons are disgusting creatures who mooch off of other people's hard work. “If you're so interested in garbage,” I'd say to them, “make some of your own that you can then eat. And what are those chattering noises you make, you rodent? This here is America. We speak American. It makes me feel stupid when I don't understand what you're saying, since it reminds me that I cannot learn another language no matter how hard I try. And rather than put in more effort on myself, I'm getting mad at you.” Also, I hear racoons are sexist. I can't remember where I heard it, but I don't need any evidence to believe it. And now I'm angry, which feels good.Anywho, I put my unwanted bed on the free section of craigslist a couple days before moving. As someone who would himself be wary of taking ownership of such an intimate piece of furniture that someone else isn't asking money for, I thought there would be a few stragglers who would voice interest, but who would then disappear into the abyss of the internet from whence they came. And I would be left to take my bed to the special waste place and hand over my hard-earned 80 dollars to keep my trash away from those sly racoons.I was wrong. I fielded many responses that voiced much interest. Though many emails, upon examination, turned out to be racoons trying their best to pass as humans, the slimy bastards. Many wrote eloquent emails that used perfect grammar, too perfect of grammar. That perfect grammar alone might not have set me off if each did not also include the request that I just leave the mattress out by the dumpster, as they would be swimming in said dumpster later and could take the mattress with them on their way back to the sewers.~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 2: Tim reads a rejected Shouts and Murmurs story (rejected by the failing New Yorker magazine) about a fellow emailing his doctor regarding his pancreatic cancer treatment options. He isn't sure he wants treatment at all, but that decision is contingent on a few pieces of information.~I do hope that your offer to email with any questions whatsoever was not just one of cordiality, for since my last appointment, some doubt has arisen regarding my treatment options. It is not the variety that perplexes me, indeed I wasn't listening when you described their differences, but rather the necessity of undergoing treatment at all. My immediate resolution, one you will remember as it surprised you, was to forgo anything that might prolong my life. Yet that decision lost its certainty with a misgiving that joined me in bed last night.It came after the throbbing of my pancreas (no doubt due to the tumor enveloping its entirety) prompted another examination of my mortality. This revisitation revealed a perspective I had not entertained previously: what if there was legitimacy to my Sunday school's curriculum? What if (at this point I was sitting up in my bed, flicking cold sweat from my brow) there really is a life after death? Ludicrous! Wouldn't you agree? I hope you will.~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.

Episode 1: Tim reads a rejected Modern Love piece (rejected by the stupid and dumb and wrong New York Times) about navigating his nightly bathroom visits in his new marriage. ~“Just sit down to pee,” my wife said. “Then you won't have to turn on the light and wake me up. Problem solved.”Problem not solved. My new wife could not understand the heaviness of her suggestion so lightly tossed in my direction. Sit down to pee? Did she not see the faint suggestion of a mustache occupying my upper lip? This unflattering caterpillar was not there to improve my looks, for it did the opposite. Rather, it indicated to all who saw me (and more importantly, indicated to myself whenever I glanced in a mirror) that I was a man. And do men sit down to pee? They most certainly do not.Aimee and I did not move in together until after marriage. Having been confined to twin beds before legally binding ourselves, our marital mattress offered the first insight into respective nightly habits. Aimee mouth breathes and sometimes steals the covers. I have the bladder of an 87-year-old unmedicated diabetic. Each night, upon reclining between the sheets, I lie with my attention hovering just above my pubic bone. At the slightest pressure, I lurch out of bed and hobble to the toilet, emptying what little has had the chance to accumulate in the ten minutes since my previous visit. Upon returning to bed, I resume my vigil, praying to the god of sleep and infrequent urination that he or she will bless me with slumber devoid of further interruption. ~For other resources, visit timdrugan.com.