Podcasts about AW

A weekly magazine-style radio show featuring the voices and stories of Asians and Pacific Islanders from all corners of our community. The show is produced by a collective of media makers, deejays, and activists. Tonight's show is June 19th. We are all connected. We are talking with Asian and Asian American Children's book authors. PowerLeeGirls host Miko Lee talks with Chi Thai and Livia Blackburne about the power of storytelling, maternal heritage, generational trauma, and much more. Title:  We Are All Connected Show Transcripts Opening: [00:00:00] Apex Express Asian Pacific expression. Community and cultural coverage, music and calendar, new visions and voices, coming to you with an Asian Pacific Islander point of view. It's time to get on board the Apex Express.   Ayame Keane-Lee: [00:01:17] Welcome to Apex Express. Tonight's show is June 19th. We are all connected. We are talking with Asian and Asian American Children's book authors. PowerLeeGirls host Miko Lee talks with Chi Thai and Livia Blackburne about the power of storytelling, maternal heritage, generational trauma, and much more. First, we want to start by wishing everyone a happy Juneteenth, Juneteenth commemorates, an end to slavery and the emancipation of Black Americans after the Civil War. In 1865, 2 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, enslaved people in Galveston, Texas finally learned of their freedom. Juneteenth marks the day the last enslaved people learned of their freedom. Though outright slavery became illegal, the systematic oppression of African Americans continues to this day. We see that show up in almost every aspect of American culture, from the high rate of infant mortality to the over punishing of Black children in schools, to police brutality, to incarceration. We must continue to recognize the importance of championing Black lives and lifting up Black voices. We are all connected. June 19th is also an important day in Asian American history. In 1982 in Detroit, Vincent Chin was at a bar celebrating his bachelor party prior to his wedding the next day. Ronald Ebens, a white auto worker, and his stepson Michael Nitz taunted Vincent with racial epithets. They thought he was Japanese and were angry about the Japanese rise in the auto industry. When Vincent left the bar later, the two men attacked and killed Vincent with a baseball bat. He was 27 years old. Ronald Ebens never did time for this murder. Ronald Ebens is 85 years old now. Ebens not only skirted prosecution, he has used bankruptcy and homesteading laws in Nevada to avoid a wrongful death civil suit settlement. Ordered by the court in 1987 to pay $1.5 million to Chin's family, the Chin estate has received nothing. Lily Chin, Vincent's mom could have stayed silent about the racist attack on her son. Instead she spoke out. She took a courageous stance to highlight this most painful moment in her life. In doing so, she helped ignite a new generation of Asian American activists working for civil rights and social justice. We find ourselves in a new wave of activism as our communities band together to work against the injustices of the current regime. And what does this have to do with children's books? It is all connected. We highlight children's books by Asian and Asian American authors because we want our next generation of children to know and appreciate their own heritage. We want them to proudly represent who they are so that they can work in solidarity with other peoples. Our struggle is interwoven. As Grace Lee Boggs said, “History is a story not only of the past, but of the future.” Thank you for joining us on apex express. Enjoy the show.   Miko Lee: [00:04:24] First off. Let's take a listen to one of Byron Au Young's compositions called “Know Your Rights” This is part of the trilogy of the Activist Songbook. This multi-lingual rap, give steps to know what to do when ICE officers come to your door.    MUSIC   That was “Know Your Rights” performed by Jason Chu with lyrics by Aaron Jeffries and composed by Byron Au Yong Welcome, Chi Thai to Apex Express.    Chi Thai: [00:07:13] Hello. I'm really happy to be joining you, Miko.  Miko Lee: [00:07:16] I'm really happy to meet you and learn about you as an artist, as a filmmaker, as a children's book author. And I wanna first start with a personal question, which is, who are your people and what legacy do you carry with you? Chi Thai: [00:07:30] Ooh, what a great question. You know what? I love being asked stuff that hasn't been asked kind of before. I mean, there's a kinda really kinda natural answer to that, which is, you know, family are my people. Of course. 100%. And certainly, you know, the reason why I'm talking to you today, you know, in regard to the, to the book, you know, it's about my family's journey. But I found, and I don't know if this is. Somewhat to do with, you know, being a child of two cultures and you know, being a child of the diaspora that you really have to kind of find your own family too. 'cause I suppose I grew up feeling, I didn't quite relate to maybe my parents in a way that, you know, you normally would if you weren't part of the diaspora. And I felt estranged from my birth country and I didn't really feel like British either a lot of the time. So in terms of like, who are my people? I've gathered those people as I've kind of grown up and it's, it's a kind of strange feeling too. I feel like it's taken me a really long to grow up and to figure out who I am. And I suppose that's why, you know, the people that I have a really, a lot of people that have come, kinda later in my life, I actually have no friends in my childhood as an example of that. I've had to kind of find these people as I've grown up, but it's taken me a long time to grow up because growing up in the UK there wasn't any literature to read about what it was like to be Asian. And British, to be a refugee and things like that. So it just took me longer and I then, as a result, it just took me longer to find my tribe. but I have it now, but it's still work in progress. That was a very convoluted answer. I'm very sorry Miko.    Miko Lee: [00:09:15] No, it wasn't. No worries. It's fine. And what legacy do you carry with you?   Chi Thai: [00:09:19] Kind of an extension to that answer, I think when you're an artist, practicing your voice, figuring out your voice, can take a while. And I think I've only really started maybe the last like five to 10 years at the most really figured out what I want my legacy to be. The things I wanna talk about are really about s tories from the diaspora, certainly, and about community and healing. These are the things I think that are really important to me, especially when we talk about maybe coming from struggle. I don't feel it's enough to be an artist today and just talk about struggle. I want to talk about justice as well. And justice really is about healing, you know?    Miko Lee: [00:10:00] Oh, that's beautiful. Can you talk a little bit more about that healing and what that means to you and how that shows up in your work?    Chi Thai: [00:10:07] A couple years ago, no, not even that long ago, I produced a, a feature film. This is probably the best example for it, but I produced a feature film called Raging Grace, which we called it Horror with a small H and it. Basically took the story of what it was like to be, undocumented Filipina in the uk who was also a mother. And I think if that film had been made 10 years ago, it would just shown how hard her life was, and unrelentingly. So, and I think the reason why Raising Grace is so special is it goes beyond the trauma, it takes us to a place of justice, of being able to speak out for someone who has felt invisible, to be visible for someone who's not. Had a voice, to have a voice and to begin that kind of healing process of sticking up for herself, making a change transforming herself from maybe the good immigrant to the bad immigrant and things like that. I think that's a really great example and I think I read a really wonderful thing. It might have been in a Guardian article where we, so a lot of my work is around, inclusion representation of like diasporic stories. And I think when you have, when you exist in the poverty of like representation, I. the solution to that is plentitude. I think that Viet Thanh Nguyen probably said that, so I don't wanna take credit for it. He comes up with so many wonderful things, and that's a wonderful thing to be able to move from poverty, like to plentitude and that be the solution, is kinda really wonderful. So I enjoy being really prolific. I enjoy supporting artists to be able to do their work. So as a community, we can also be prolific and I wanna support, narratives that. Take us beyond a place of struggle and trauma to a place of like healing and justice and so forth.    Miko Lee: [00:11:57] Your work crosses so many genres. You were just mentioning how that film was kind of a horror film and, and then you've done these kind of dreamy animation pieces and then now this children's book. Do you select the genre and the format and the medium, or does it select you?   Chi Thai: [00:12:16] Oh, I think the story chooses it. I like 100% believe that. I just actually was thinking about this 'cause I was doing an interview on something else, people, often ask about the creative process and I, can only speak for my own. But usually when I get an idea for a story, the general shape of it comes almost like really well formed. There's a sense of a lready kinda what genre it'll be. There's a sense of the character, there's a sense of the journey and all these things. I felt the same about, writing The Endless Sea I knew it would be from the voice of a child. This probably sounds like my creative process is terrible, but it was just. This is how it was going to be. That kind of part was writing itself, or at least I feel that it'd been writing itself like that in my subconscious for many, many years before it kind of surfacing and writing. Like the writing bit is just the tip of the iceberg at the end of the day. there wasn't like a kind of decision about that. the story in that sense was quite intact. So I often feel like the story is demanding something about kind genre and for, for Raging Grace 'cause I've talked about this a lot, not just in listen to me, but other things. But we always said like if you are an an undocumented person, every breath you take is taken in a hostile environment. It's so natural for it to be a horror. So there's not a sense that you kinda decide that it's like that is the very reality of someone who's going, you know, that's their lived experience. And if you're going to represent that truthfully, it will be through the prism of horror. And I suppose that's how I think about genre. the story is kind of telling you what it needs to tell its emotional truth. and I felt that way, with The Endless Sea same thing with the Raging Grace, with Lullaby. And I think you talked about The Promise, I suppose I, with The Promise, which is an adaptation I had less choice about that because that was a book and it was a adapted into an animation. I've heard Nicola, who's the author of the book, talk about that and she talks about like the story coming to her in a dream and tiptoeing down her arm coming onto the page, she like describes it really beautifully. so maybe our processes are the same. It feels that way. there's not long deliberations. I mean, that's not to say the writing process isn't difficult. It is. But that, I've never found the, [genre] the difficulty or the bit that's required a lot of, I don't know soul searching with it.    Miko Lee: [00:14:28] So with that being said, how did Endless Sea your latest children's book? How did that tiptoe into your imagination?    Chi Thai: [00:14:36] This is a strange one because this is probably the closest thing to like, almost autobiographical work. What I can say is like, it's the true story o f how I and my family, which would've been at the time my mom and dad, my older sister, me, how we fled Vietnam after the fall of an Saigon. we actually left quite late we left in 1979 w hen things were tr were getting truly, truly, truly, quite terrible. And, this was very much a last resort. I think my parents would try to make things work, but realized that they couldn't. This journey that we took on these, boats that were made badly, made poorly, that many of which sank has become almost like the genesis story of our family. It's like it's a big, it has a long shadow, right? Ever since you know I, it is like the first story that I can remember. It's one of the few stories my mom would tell me again and again when we, when they see their old friends, it's something they talk about. So it's something that has happened to it to us, but it's such a big thing that it's just, echoed In my life growing up, as I've you know, got older and older, and the wonderful thing about having a story kinda live with you eventually it's in your blood and in your bones, but also if it's a thing that's kinda shared with you again and again, you actually build up this, there's something about the repetition of it, and then every time you hear it told from an uncle or a family friend or from your mom, a new little detail is embroidered that someone adds. So I've kinda lived with this story for 40 plus years and I've been collecting all these little things about it all this time and all that time it was, I think, kind of just writing itself, you know? You know, it was doing all that work before I actually put like pen to paper. Um, yeah.    Miko Lee: [00:16:31] Was there a catalyst or something that made you actually put the pen to paper?   Chi Thai: [00:16:36] That's really interesting. You know, I probably don't mind it is probably something really banal like. I think I probably wrote it during Covid and I had more time. Um, I think there are probably be some bigger forces in place. And you know what, I can tell you what it is actually if I'm, I'm forcing myself to think and examine a bit closer so when this is totally true. So I remember hearing the news about Viet Thanh Nguyen win winning the Pulitzer for The Sympathizer. And it made such a mark on me and I kind of felt, wow, someone from our community has achieved this incredible thing. And I thought, why? Why now? Like, and I was like, well, you know what? It's probably taken our community certain amount of time to come of age, to develop not just the abilities to write, to create, to make art, but also to have possibly the relationships or networks in place to be able to then make the art and get it out into the world. And I kind of felt when he was able to do that and came of age, I kind of felt there was going to be like other people from the kind of diasporic Vietnamese community that would also start to flourish. And that made me feel really good. About probably being a bit older than the average kind of artist, like making their, kinda like their pieces and everything and saying, you know what? My time can be now. It's okay. And I just find it just really inspiring that, you know our community was kind of growing, growing up, coming of age and being able to do these, these things And I kind of felt like it had given me the permission, I suppose the, the confidence to go, “Oh this story that I've been carrying my whole life, which I don't really see a version of out there I can write that and now I can write it and I'm the right person to write it.” And I had just done The Promise so I had a relationship with Walker. I was like, I have a, you know, a relationship with the publisher. I feel my writing is matured. Like I can do this. And so it was like a culmination and, you know, convergence of those things. And, but I do remember having that thought thinking, “This is a good time to be alive in our community 'cause we're actually able to make our art and get it out there now.” I, I felt it was like a real watershed moment really.   Miko Lee: [00:19:11] What made you decide to do it in this format as a Little Kid's Children's Illustrated book? We were talking earlier about how to, to me, this is the first more realistic version of a boat people experience in a very little kid's voice. What made you decide to do it in this style?    Chi Thai: [00:19:33] So interesting. At the same time, I was writing The Endless Sea. I was writing also the script for a short film, which is called Lullaby, which is takes an incident that happened on my boat but expresses it as a film, as a little kinda horror kinda drama, but a kid cannot watch that. It's like too terrifying. Um, and I wrote, you know, The Endless Sea at the same time. And again, I can't, it's really hard for me to articulate. I just knew it was gonna be a kid's book, like, and I knew it'd be written from the voice of a kid, and I didn't actually, can I say I didn't even ascribe a particular kind of value to that. It wasn't until I had started conversations with the publisher they're like, you know, we see like there's a really high, like this is really great that it's written in the voice of the kid. It somehow gives it something else. Something more is something kind of special. I didn't set out to like, overthink, like what was the most effective way to tell this story? I, I think I just told the story as honestly as I could, you know, with the words that I felt that, you know, I had in me to de, you know, to describe it. In the most authentic way to, to me. And like I say, at the same time, I knew, like I knew that was a kid's book. There was another part of that I wanted to express that was really important to me and that was survivor's guilt. But that I felt was like, that was a horror, so that was really not gonna be suitable for kids. So I was definitely thinking about lots of things to do with the same subject of the same time, but they were definitely being expressed in different ways. And again, Lullaby came to me very kind of quickly, almost fully formed. And I knew, you know, it would be a ghost story. I knew it would be the story of a mother and things like that. And I often maybe, you know, I should, I, I should interrogate more, but I kinda, I take these kinda. These ideas, which are quite well shaped and, and then I just like lean into them more and more and more. But they, the way they arrive it, I've kinda, I, I can see a lot of what is already about to unfold.   Miko Lee: [00:21:43] And do you still dream about that experience of being on the boat as a kid?    Chi Thai: [00:21:52] It's, it's a really difficult thing to explain because you know that that happened now so long ago, and I've probably heard the story thousands of times. I've watched all the terrible Hollywood movies, I've seen all the news clippings, I've watched all the archive. I've listened to, you know, people talk, and I have my own memories and I look at photographs and I have memories of looking at photographs. I feel like, you know, my memory is really unreliable, but what it is instead is it's this, this kind of, kind of tapestry of, you know, of the story of memories, of, you know, images as I grow up of hearing the story, like all coming together. One of the things I did when I wrote, I wrote The Endless Sea, is I then went back to my mom and I did a recorded interview with her 'cause I was really worried about how unreliable my memory might be. And I interviewed her and I asked a lot of questions and I said, and I, it was like, you know, in the way I would've just like listened to the story quite passively before this time I interviewed her and I asked a lot of questions about details and all sorts of things. 'cause I really wanted to be able to represent things, you know, as factually as I could. And that was kinda one of my kinda kind of fact checking kinda exercises I did 'cause I was, I was much quite worried about how unreliable my memory was about it all. And you know, what is, what is a memory of a memory of memory, like, you know, especially when it comes to thinking about that time on the boat and the feelings I had. Yeah. So, you know,    Miko Lee: [00:23:34] and you were so young also to    Chi Thai: [00:23:37] Totally 100%. And sometimes, I don't know, you know, is it a memory of a memory? Is it a dream of a dream?   Miko Lee: [00:23:44] Mm-hmm.    Chi Thai: [00:23:44] Or just some, yeah.   Miko Lee: [00:23:46] Was there anything that your mom said that surprised you?    Chi Thai: [00:23:50] Yeah. Um, she didn't realize how bad it was gonna be and she was like, “God, if it, I'd known how terrifying it was I dunno if I, we could have done it.” I think there's a certain amount of naivety involved and I suppose that surprised me. You know? 'cause we know already now how bad it was. Um, so things like that surprised me.    Miko Lee: [00:24:15] and your mom, the dedication of the book is to your mom. What does she think when she first read it?    Chi Thai: [00:24:22] I've got a funny story. My parents, you know, they, we left, they were in their early twenties and I think it was, you know, the escape was hard for them, but settling in new country was really hard for them. That's. That's been kind of their struggle. They had to work so hard, so many hours to kind of, you know, give us a great life. And, I think a lot of that meant they weren't people that could go out, enjoy, enjoy movies, look at art, read lots of literature and things like that. They're very, very simple, very working class. Simple life or working class kinda life. Very much all about, uh, the work. Um, and I remember when I had a, the publisher had made like a mockup of the book and I gave it to my mum to read 'cause I wanted her to be happy about it too, and she's probably been my toughest critic. I think everything I've done, she hasn't really liked, to be honest. Um, and when I gave her the mockup to read. She went, “Yeah,” but she said it in such a way I knew what she meant was Yeah, that's right. You know, that's the truth. That's the, you know, the book isn't the testimony, but it felt like she was saying yeah. It was like the simple kind of approval. It wasn't like a lot    Miko Lee: [00:25:50] That is the most Asian mom's approval ever.    Chi Thai: [00:25:54] It's so funny, like people say to me, oh Chi, it's such a beautiful book. Oh, the writing so lit, like lyrical. It's stripped back, it's elegant. Like, you know, Viet Thanh Nguyen , like God bless his like consults, gave me a comment to put in the book, said these wonderful things, and my mom goes, “yeah.”. You know, it made me laugh at the time, but I knew what it meant. And I also was old enough, I was mature enough, you know, God, if she'd given me that, if I'd been 20 written that I might have cried and my heart might have broken. Right. But I, I knew I had, I've so much compassion, you know, for my parents. Mm-hmm. And people like my parents, what they've been through and, you know, but    Miko Lee: [00:26:38] That was incredibly high praise for her.    Chi Thai: [00:26:40] It was, I couldn't have asked more.   Miko Lee: [00:26:47] Oh, I totally get that. I think that's such an Asian thing. That is so funny.    Chi Thai: [00:26:53] It is, it is. I didn't feel bad. I, I remember showing her Lullaby, um, and she didn't like it at all.    Miko Lee: [00:27:02] What did she say? What is her not like voice? What did she say to that?    Chi Thai: [00:27:05] Oh, she. Well, firstly, she, well, the, the film is almost silent because basically it tells a story. It's inspired by a mother that was on our boat who lost her baby on the border crossing, and I was very much ever, for as long as I knew about this woman's story, I was like, I was very much haunted by it, and I was haunted by, you know, the fact that that's how she felt and her guilt. Over losing her baby on this journey. And I knew, I knew I wanted to tell her story. 'cause one of the things I feel very strongly about is when you are on the losing side. So I'm from South Vietnam, like that's not the, you know, that's not the story that's told, the story is told of who triumphs at the end of the day. And I was just like all those people that we lost at sea, this mother, her baby. The stories kind of aren't told. So I kind of felt really strongly that this was somehow a very creative way to put down like a, an historical record like this happened. And actually I found out after making the film that five babies were lost in our boat, not just one.   Miko Lee: [00:28:24] Wow. So what did she say, your mom say?   Chi Thai: [00:28:28] Yes. So I made this film, which was for the most part, a silent film. This is a woman that's shut down. She barely speaks anymore. She is living with the guilt ever. You know, when she was on the boat before her baby died, she sang a lullaby, and ever since then, she hasn't been able to speak again. And then we find out that she has been haunted by the ghost of her child that she lost. And then a bit too, you know, to kind of free herself from that. She, she actually sings, you know, the, the film culminates in her singing the Luby one last time. S saying Goodbye finally being able to move beyond her Gild and I Griffin, saying goodbye and hoping she's able to, you know, progress. So I made a film about that was largely silence except for this lullaby, and my mum watched it. She went, next time you make a film, you know you need more words. I was just like, oh, I think my heart probably did crumple off a bit a bit at that point.    Miko Lee: [00:29:30] Aw.    Chi Thai: [00:29:31] You know? Um, but yeah. But yeah, it's okay. It's okay because you know what? My mom doesn't get to see stuff like that very often. So sometimes she doesn't have the wider, and this is why, I mean, like, the life that she's had, you know, hasn't been one where she's been able to surround herself with, oh, I'm so lucky. You know, my life has been so different, but it's been different. Different because of, you know what she's, what she's done for us, so it's okay. I can take it on the chin when she says my film doesn't have enough dialogue in it.    Miko Lee: [00:30:04] I love that. For you, have you had conversations with your mom about your life as an artist, and what are her thoughts on that?   Chi Thai: [00:30:16] Well say. So I, so my mom, I don't really like, you know, she's probably not that into it. I'll be honest about being an artist. I can understand why she wants you to have a good life. And I would say for the most part, being an artist is, is a, is a tough life because it's hard to make, you know, the, the pennies work, right?   Miko Lee: [00:30:44] She wants stability for you, right?    Chi Thai: [00:30:45] Yeah, exactly. But she's made a peace with it. And basically what happened, I think all the best story is gonna be about my mom, right? Is that she basically, I, I, um, I have a partner, we've been together for 15 years. Um, he's a really nice guy and he has a reliable job and we have two kids together and i,    Miko Lee: [00:31:08] So that makes it okay.   Chi Thai: [00:31:10] So yeah, this is what I was saying. So she said to me like. It doesn't really matter what you do now. 'cause she, you are already peaked. You're somebody's wife. We're not married. But she told everyone in Vietnam we were married 'cause she couldn't cope with this not being like having kids out of wedlock. In her head. She's rewritten that we are married. Right. She's like, you are married, you're somebody's wife and you mother, it doesn't get better than that. So if you are an artist or if you're a filmmaker, whatever, it doesn't matter. 'cause nothing can be better than that. Right. So she's accepted on the basis that I've already fulfilled, kind of my promise.   Miko Lee: [00:31:46] Wow. Interesting.    Chi Thai: [00:31:50] And she means that in the nicest possible way.    Miko Lee: [00:31:52] Yeah.    Chi Thai: [00:31:52] That she feels like you have a home, you have stability, you have someone who loves you, you know, you have a, a purpose in life, but really her value, you know, the way, I think, the way she measures my value is like, that's how she looks at it. The, the art is something else.    Miko Lee: [00:32:10] Well, I really appreciate you sharing your art with us in the world and your various, um, genres and styles. And I'm wondering how our audience can find out more about your work. Clearly we'll put links to where people can buy the book and let's see, but how do they find out more about your films?   Chi Thai: [00:32:28] Um, so that like, because it is the 50th anniversary of the end of the Vietnam War in 2025. Actually the very anniversary of that is the tomorrow, the 30th, April, right? Um, you can watch Lullaby on Altar, which is a YouTube channel. Um, and I can give you the link for it. Rating Grace is on Paramount Plus if you want to, if you've got Paramount Plus, but you can also buy it from all the usual kind of places too. Um, and you know, and we'll see us from all great book stockists, I imagine in, in the us.   Miko Lee: [00:33:07] Thank you so much. Um, I'd love to get, I'd love for you to send me the link so I could put 'em in the show notes. I really appreciate chatting with you today. Um, is there anything else you'd like to share?    Chi Thai: [00:33:19] Um, no, I think, I think that's good. Your, your questions are so good. Mika, I'm already like, kinda like processing them all. Uh, yes.    Miko Lee: [00:33:30] Well, it was a delight to chat with you and to learn more about your artistic vision, and my wishes are that you continue to grow and feel blessed no matter what your mama says, because deep down, she's still proud of you. Even if she doesn't say it out loud.    Chi Thai: [00:33:47] I believe it. I totally believe it.    Miko Lee: [00:33:50] Yay. Thank you so much for spending time with us on Apex Express.Next up, listen to stay, go from dark heart, a concert narrative by singer and songwriter Golda Sargento.   MUSIC   That was the voice of Golda Sargento from the new Filipino futurism punk rock sci-fi dark heart. Welcome, Livia Blackburne Children's book, author of Nainai's Mountain. Welcome to Apex Express.    Livia Blackburne: [00:38:56] Thank you so much for having me.    Miko Lee: [00:38:58] I wanna start with a personal question, which is, who are your people and what legacy do you carry with you?    Livia Blackburne: [00:39:05] I am Chinese American, and so I carry the stories of my grandparents who fled China to Taiwan, fled that war. And I also carry the stories of my parents and myself who immigrated. To America, and I am, I grew up in New Mexico, so I have fond memories of green chili and new Mexican food. I went to college, Harvard and MIT on the east coast. So I've got a bit of that kind of ivory tower. And now I'm in LA and, you know, my people are, my family and my community, the writing community here. So I, I'm a big mix. Yes.    Miko Lee: [00:39:44] What legacy do you carry with you?    Livia Blackburne: [00:39:47] I mentioned a bit of my grandparents and my parents. What they went through in the war in China, and then my parents and me coming here. the experience of being here in two worlds, coming from Taiwan having that cultural background and also, growing up in the United States. The culture I've been surrounded with here as well.    Miko Lee: [00:40:06] Thank you so much for sharing. Can you tell us about your new illustrated children's book? Nainai's Mountain. What inspired this work?    Livia Blackburne: [00:40:14] The story of this book actually started with another book that is coming out in a couple years that actually I can't share too much about. My grandparents fled the war in China and then my. Parents grew up in Taiwan and I wanted to preserve that family story. My parents are getting older. So I started doing oral interviews with my parents about their childhood, what it was like, growing up. I wouldn't say they weren't refugees in Taiwan. It's a very complicated political situation, but they were transplants to Taiwan, and what it was like growing up there, their daily life. What kind of things they did when they were a child, their pastimes, I wanted to preserve their stories and I got a lot of great material., A lot of that is going into a novel that I'm currently working on. But also as I worked on it, there were so many great details that I thought would be really good in a picture book as well. Also, I'm a mother now. I have an 8-year-old daughter, and she is half Caucasian, half Asian. She has never gone to Taiwan before and I. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking, it would be really great to, I do want to share Taiwan and, my own childhood, home with her at some point. And so I start imagining what would it be like to bring her back to Taiwan and show her everything. And that became the seed for Nainai's Mountain, which is a. Story of a girl visiting Taiwan for the first time with her grandmother. And her grandmother shows her around and tells her stories about her childhood, and the girl through her grandmother's eyes, sees Taiwan, you know, for the beautiful place that it is.    Miko Lee: [00:41:56] You also wrote the book I Dream of Popo. How are these companions to each other and also for audiences that might not speak Chinese. One is a grandmother on the mother's side, and the other is the grandmother on the father's side. Can you talk about how I dream of Popo is linked to Nainai's Mountain?   Livia Blackburne: [00:42:15] Thank you for pointing that out. Yes. So Popo is maternal grandmother, and Nainai is a paternal grandmother. And that is a fantastic question. So I dream of popo is kind of my story. So it's about a little girl who moves from Taiwan , to the United States and it's about her relationship with her grandmother who stays in Taiwan. And it talks about, how a close relationship, navigating long geographical distances about the language barrier that comes up. And that was very much me, Nainai's Mountain. It's kind of like Popo in reverse, you know, it's now it's someone going back to Taiwan and kind of getting in touch with those roots. That, as I mentioned, that's inspired by my daughter. And you'll see in Nainai's Mountain, I specified that the child should be, half Asian, half Caucasian. Because, I wanted more of that representation in the children's literature.    Miko Lee: [00:43:07] Thank you. I, I wonder if you could talk a little bit about the artistic style. So you are the author, but you had different illustrators for both of the books and the style is really different. The in, when I look at Nainai's Mountain, which I'm holding here, it's sort of collage and really vibrant colors. Where I Dream of Popo has a different, more. I'm almost realistic, kind of look to it. And I'm wondering what your process was like in collaborating with illustrators.    Livia Blackburne: [00:43:37] That's one of the best things about being a picture book author, is that you get to collaborate with so many illustrators and they all have such different styles, such different visions. Most of the time it's the publisher who chooses the illustrator, although they. Consult me usually. My editor for I Dream of Popo picked Julia Kuo. And she sent me samples and I loved it. And, it was great. I'm friends with Julia now and that book did really well. It was very well known, especially in kind of Taiwanese American, Asian American circles. And so when I did, Nainai's mountain, that was with a different publishing house and my editor. He very consciously said, you know, because it's also a book about Taiwan and a grandmother. We don't want to get it confused with I dream of Popo. So, we made a conscious decision to pick an artist with a very different style and Joey Chou is fantastic. He's very well known for his Disney art. You can see his art in a lot of the hotels and cruise ships. And, he, very bright, vibrant, and I, he's also from Taiwan. I think he did a fantastic job.   Miko Lee: [00:44:41] And have the artistic work ever surprised you as being really different from your imagination while you were writing?    Livia Blackburne: [00:44:48] That's a great question. I don't think they've ever surprised me. By being different. They surprised me in the specifics that they've chosen. For example, I dream of Popo. Julia, spent a lot of time in Taiwan and she put in these great, Taiwan details that, you know, if you're from Taiwan, you would know for sure. There's like a specific brand of rice cooker called the rice cooker, and she has one there and like the giant bag of rice in the corner, and the calendar on the wall.   Miko Lee: [00:45:16] Even the specificities of the food and the trays and everything is quite lovely.    Livia Blackburne: [00:45:20] Yeah, yeah. You know, every time I read that, I look at that spread, I get hungry. So surprise there. And, with Joey, I, I love how he does the different, there's kind of flashback pictures and there's, pictures now and. The thing about him, his color, I just love the color that he put in from the greens, of Taiwan to kind of the bright fluorescent lights, neon lights of Taipei, and then there's kind of the slight sepia tones of the past and he just, you know, brings it so to life so well.   Miko Lee: [00:45:49] I didn't know he was a Disney animator, but it totally makes sense because it feels very layered. It does feel animated in a way and kind of alive. So I appreciate that.   Livia Blackburne: [00:45:59] I'm not sure. If he's an animator. He does a lot of art for the theme parks and like products and the cruise ships and stuff. I'm not sure.    Miko Lee: [00:46:07] Oh, interesting.   Livia Blackburne: [00:46:07] He does like movies and  stuff.    Miko Lee: [00:46:08] Interesting. It looks like animation though. Your book.    Livia Blackburne: [00:46:13] It does look very, yeah. Lively. Mm-hmm.    Miko Lee: [00:46:16] That I'm looking forward to that series. That would be so cute. The grandmother series as a whole little mini series traveling to different places. can you tell us about your new book, Dreams to Ashes? Has that been released yet?   Livia Blackburne: [00:46:29] Dreams to Ashes? That has been released that, released about a month before Nainai's Mountain. Yeah, that one's quite a bit different. So that one is a nonfiction book and it's a picture book, and it's about the Los Angeles massacre of 1871. Whenever people, I tell people about that, they're like, wait, you wrote a picture book about a massacre? Which is slightly counterintuitive. So I never knew about the Los Angeles massacre growing up. And, and, given that I am a Chinese person in Los Angeles, that is kind of weird. Basically, it was a race massacre that occurred. One of the biggest mass lynchings in history, uh, where there was a between two rival Chinese organizations and a white bystander was killed. And because of that, , a mob formed and they rounded the Chinese population up basically. And. Blame them for that death. In the end, 18 Chinese men were killed and only one of them were involved in the original gunfight. It was a horrible tragedy. And unfortunately, as often happened with these kind of historical tragedies in our country, nobody was really punished for it. A few men were indicted and convicted, but their convictions were overturned and it just kind of disappeared into history. And it really struck me that, you know, nobody knew about this. I wanted to kind of bring this to light and unfortunately when I was writing it, it was also, during the Covid pandemic and, I was seeing a lot of anti-Asian rhetoric, anti-Asian hate crimes were going up. And I saw so many parallels between what happened. Back then, because, you know, Chinese people specifically were being vilified , they were being called immoral, stealing people's jobs. And you can see in the years before the massacre the newspapers were saying horrible things and, you know, the hate was just becoming very strong and all that exploded one night into an unspeakable tragedy. Unfortunately as an author, you want your work to be relevant, but sometimes you don't want your work to be relevant in this way. Right. Nowadays I'm seeing so much rhetoric again against immigrants and not of many ethnicities. And in some ways I'm sad. That, this is happening now. And I also hope that this book will contribute to the conversation and show how the danger of racism and xenophobia and hate and what, what can happen because of that.   Miko Lee: [00:48:55] So this occurred in the late 1800s, right? Was it before the Chinese Exclusion Act?    Livia Blackburne: [00:49:03] Yes, it was before the Chinese Exclusion Act. So you'd hope that people kinda learn from these things. And it was just kind of one of the, one of the horrible things that happened on the way to the Chinese Exclusion Act and Chinese immigrants being excluded basically Chinese laborers at least.   Miko Lee: [00:49:23] Oh wow. Okay. I'm looking this up now. And 1882 we know was the Chinese Exclusion Act and this incident actually happened in 1871. Yes. A decade beforehand, Helen Zia always talks about these moments that are missing. MIH missing in history and this is clearly another one of, another time of just wiping out a population.I'm wondering if you could speak a little bit more about how Children's Books can make a difference in the world that we're currently living in, where our government is banning books and you know that there's a narratives that they want to align with a certain kind of conservative ideology. Can you talk about the power of being a Children's Book author in this time that we're living in right now? . I'm really thinking about dreams to Ashes and even I dream of Popo and even Nainai's Mountain, which you would think, oh, they're, you, they're visiting their grandparent, their grandmothers, that would not be controversial. But now when even words like inclusion and diversity are threatened and books are being banned, I'm just wondering if you could. Share a little bit more about your superpower as a children's book author?    Livia Blackburne: [00:50:31] Yeah, that's a fantastic question. We live in a time right now, there's, a lot of hate, a lot of intolerance, a lot of fear of different people groups. And a lot of that I think is because people are unfamiliar with people unlike themselves. They see. People who are different, look differently, act differently, speak differently, and it scares them. And I think the best way to get around that is to actually get to know people of other backgrounds, to see them as human. And I think that's where children's books come in. ‘Cause we don't, children are not born. With this hate of the other. They learn it. But, if they grow up being familiar with people of different backgrounds seeing their stories seeing them as, normal human beings, which, should be obvious, but sometimes it's hard, for adults to realize. Then, I'm hoping, as a children's book author that it will lead to a more empathetic world. And perhaps that's why the government sometimes in certain groups are wanting to, censor this and control the flow of children's books because, children are the most their minds are still open. They're still able to learn.    Miko Lee: [00:51:48] And Livia, tell us what you're working on next.   Livia Blackburne: [00:51:53] So right now I am. Working on a historical middle grade. We haven't quite announced it yet, so I can't say the title or too many details, but it is based on my family history of my parents and grandparents who moved from China to Taiwan after the civil War.   Miko Lee: [00:52:12] Please check out our website, kpfa.org. To find out more about our show tonight. We thank all of you listeners out there. Keep resisting, keep organizing, keep creating and sharing your visions with the world because your voices are important. Apex Express is created by Miko Lee, Jalena Keane-Lee, Preti Mangala-Shekar, Swati Rayasam, Aisa Villarosa, Estella Owoimaha-Church, Gabriel Tanglao, Cheryl Truong and Ayame Keane-Lee.   The post APEX Express – 6.19.25 We Are All Connected appeared first on KPFA.

Hot patootie, bless my soul! Because we're joined by the legendary Aussie actor, Steve Bastoni! (Say what?! *faints*) This week, everybody's favourite former-Neighbour, Matrix reloader, and Bad Boy Prophet of Doom joins AW to review the Prophets of Rage's sole titular effort, before praying-upon Bad Boy Johnny and the Prophets of Doom with the original Australian cast.Plus, we chat wrestling crocs, Steve's awkward experiences performing as the titular Rocky Horror, playing real-life criminals, the Peninsula Film Festival, honesty with mates, why we don't need to see people make omelettes, being mistaken for characters, and heaps more in this stunningly honest and warm interview!--SOCIALS--Steve: https://www.instagram.com/stevebastoni/Peninsula Film Festival: https://www.peninsulafilmfestival.com.au/Disney's Hercules on the West End Tickets: https://www.herculesthemusical.co.uk/TnT/Bloop Networkhttps://www.thetonastontales.com/listen -- https://www.patreon.com/bloomingtheatricals - https://twitter.com/thrashntreasurehttps://linktr.ee/thrashntreasure*****Help support Thrash 'n Treasure and keep us on-air, PLUS go on a fantastical adventure at the same time!Grab your copy of The Tonaston Tales by AW, and use the code TNT20 when you check out for 20% off eBooks and Paperbacks!https://www.thetonastontales.com/bookstore - TNT20 *****#saveneighbours!  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Never Have I Ever.Cass finds the stud in her buddy Andrew.Based on a post by SmallTownPrincess. Listen to the Podcast at My first Time.Cassie gasped, jumping in her seat as the clap of thunder and splitting bolt of lightning across the screen lit the theater like daylight for an instant. In her momentary panic, she grabbed at the armrest, the fingers of her left hand finding instead the warm forearm of her fellow movie-goer and best friend, Andrew.Their met eyes for a moment, hers still wide with residual surprise and his glittering with amusement. With a blush for her silly panic and for the unexpected touch, she took her hand away, crossing her arms across her stomach and turning her face back to the screen.Recently, for reasons she couldn't entirely understand, Cassie had begun to feel awkward around Andrew.Too often she found herself blushing for small things, or giggling nervously, or losing the courage to do things like brush a hand through his hair or jump on his back for a piggy-back ride; things that a few months earlier she would have done without thinking.It was their stupid friend Margaret who'd started it, with her talk of "friends with benefits." Cassie had never considered the idea that her tall, gangly Andy could be, as Margaret had put it, "a certified hottie." They'd been friends for so long that she could no longer hold herself far enough away from him to be able to see him with an objective, appraising eye.Andrew's lips suddenly brushed her ear as he leaned over close to whisper to her, and she nearly jumped again. "The scary part's coming," he murmured, offering his shoulder as a place for her to hide her eyes.Ah, this was why she loved him so. Who else would understand how much she loved horror films; and how deeply they terrified her? Who would take the time to go to these films first without her, then come back to see them a second time, ready to point out all the really horrific scenes so that she could hide her face and not be scarred beyond belief?No doubt he would also stay with her after the movie tonight, curled in an uncomfortable ball on the floor next to her bed to act as her protector. He snored and drooled and would probably sleep through the apocalypse, but somehow having him there still made her feel better.When the film ended, the heroine narrowly escaping by boat as the only survivor, Cassie and Andrew filed out into the chilly, early autumn night. Cassie shivered, and Andrew dropped a friendly arm around her shoulders."Did you like it?" Cassie asked."It was alright. Definitely better this time than when I watched it by myself. Your reactions are priceless," Andrew said with a laugh."I can't help it! I jump at the jumps, I'm scared of the scary parts; that's what's supposed to happen when you go see a horror movie!""I wasn't complaining. I'm amused.""Hey, I saw you jump a little when he came out from under the shed to grab that girl's ankles.""Strictly for your benefit. I am never scared.""Oh? Well, good. You can stay up and keep watch tonight. Make sure no creepers come in my house in the middle of the night to chop me up for their stew."Andrew stifled a yawn, shaking his head. "An all-night vigil? Fat chance of that. You'd have to stay up with me."Immediately, Cassie began to think of ways she might keep him awake, each a little more risqué than the last, and she blushed again. What was it about him tonight that made her think such silly thoughts? He was joking with her, being her almost-brotherly friend as he always had been. The flirtatious edge was something she was imagining, she knew."Whatever you want, just keep the monsters away from me!" Cassie cried with a melodramatic wave of her arms. She ducked out from under his arm, darted the last few feet to the door of his car and leapt inside.The drive to her house was quiet, each of them thinking their own private thoughts in companionable silence. Once they got to the house, Cassie began to feel again a twinge of that fear she had experienced in the theater. The darkness, the quiet, the sense of waiting, it unnerved her enough that she let Andrew lead the way through the front door, clinging to his arm as if that would save her if some slasher movie antagonist were waiting on the other side."I don't want to go to sleep yet," Cassie said as they marched to her room, Andrew turning on lights as they went. "I'm all antsy. Let's play a game or something, huh?"Cassie had a grand total of three board games, one of which was nothing more than a sticky Candy Land board, devoid of any cards or playing pieces; there was little there with which to while away the evening hours."Let's play Never Have I Ever," Cassie suggested, and Andrew shrugged, his preferred signal of acquiescence.They sat on either end of her bed, both cross-legged, facing each other and hugging pillows in their laps. Each of them held up all ten fingers, ready to play."Never have I ever...read Hamlet," Andrew said by way of starting. Cassie shook her head."No, that's boring!""What? We always do stuff like that.""I know! Let's talk about something more fun than our reading lists and bodily functions." She eyed him beadily, daring him to repeat his disgusting scatological comments from the last time they'd played this game."Like what?""Like..." Cassie considered and discarded a dozen suggestions instantly, filing them away as either too mild or far too dirty. "Like, never have I ever kissed someone below the chin.""Really, never?""Never ever.""I'm not putting a finger down for that. It's dumb. You can't seriously have gotten to be nearly twenty years old and never done that.""But I haven't!""Come here. Kiss me right here on the neck, and then think of another one." He was laughing, but he did lean forward and pull his shirt away from the side of his neck, clearly intending for her to follow through.With another blush; would they never stop?; she bent and pressed her lips quickly to the spot where his neck met his shoulder. It was brief, but she was still pleasantly surprised by how warm his skin was there."Alright, now think of a better one than that," Andrew said with another laugh, sitting back."I can't think of anything. You say one.""Alright, fine. Never have I ever...made out with a hot girl who was sober."It was Cassie's turn to laugh. "Wait, how many drunk hot girls have you made out with?""Just one, but she was scorching.""Oh, prettier than me, huh?" She meant it as a joke, but her tone fell a little short of the levity she was going for, and she ended up sounding a great deal more jealous than she felt."Well, no, I mean, not prettier than you, per se..."Cassie gave him her most dramatic look of mock-hurt. "You don't think I'm pretty, Andrew?""Are you kidding? You're beautiful, Cass. But you're...you know...you're Cassie."A jolt of something like fear, but entirely not, shot through Cassie's stomach. He'd never said that before, that she was beautiful. True, he'd qualified it, but at the same time...he thought she was beautiful. Her face warmed."I'm tempted to make you make out with me and pick another one, just because you were so obnoxious about mine," Cassie said, laughing.Andrew laughed once, but then his smile became something decidedly more inviting."Oh, really? That wasn't obnoxious. I was merely pointing out that there are things in this life that you should have done in your teenage years.""And making out with a girl with no alcohol involved is definitely something you should have done. I still have another couple months before I'm out of my teens. You've missed the boat already! Anything you do now is necessary just to catch up.""So you think I should have done...this?" He rolled up onto his hands and knees, which put his face directly in front of hers, an inch or two away. After a pause, their lips touched, and in her surprise at the suddenness of it she broke the kiss to suck in a startled breath.He backed away a couple of inches, thinking he'd startled her unpleasantly, but Cassie followed him, leaning forward until they were separated by a mere sliver of air. Andrew kissed her again, softly at first, but then inspiration seemed to strike, and he sat up a little, putting his hands on either side of her face to hold her to him. When he finally released her, both of them were breathing a little harder, eyes a little wide, movements a little uncertain."So," Andrew said, clearing his throat and sitting back. "So, I guess I can't use that one anymore. Unless you've been drinking, of course?" Still too stunned to react properly to his comic jabs, she merely shook her head. "I thought not. You're not alcoholic enough to sneak a flask into a movie theater. Well, is it your turn to think of one, then, or are you going to make me go again?""I, um..." Cassie shook her head a little, cleared her throat. "Well, let's see. Never have I ever..." She thought of the moment earlier when Andrew had pulled his shirt back from his neck, showing off the lovely, muscled shoulders he was secretly proud of. She wondered if the rest of him was as nice as his shoulders. "Never have I ever seen any of my friends naked."Andrew's eyebrows shot up. "What, you've never been in a locker room before?""When would I have been in a locker room?" Cassie laughed. She was not the athletic sort, as Andrew was well aware."Still, never? Like, you've never gone streaking, skinny dipping, changed in front of each other, anything?"Cassie shook her head, grinning. Andrew stood up next to the bed. "Well, I can't let that go unchanged. Seriously, nudity among friends; it's a rite of passage!"He seized the back of his shirt and tugged it over his head, dumping it unceremoniously on the floor before going to work on his belt. Cassie watched with a mixture of horrified amazement that he was actually stripping naked in her bedroom, laughable discomfort because it was Andrew, and a growing appetite for the new perspective she was gaining on him, this thought of him as a real, handsome, sexy boy; not just her buddy Andrew.His pants hit the floor and he stepped out of them, standing awkwardly in his boxers for a moment before seizing the waistband and tugging those down to his ankles, too. Cassie couldn't help but stare; she'd never seen any boy totally naked, and here was a very fine specimen of man, standing in front of her with much less self-consciousness than she would have expected.After a moment, he bent to pull his boxers and pants back on, but Cassie protested."Aw, you're going to put it all back on?" she asked jokingly. "Here I thought you were going to play the rest of the game that way."Shrugging, Andrew sat back at the end of the bed as he had been, with the notable difference that he was now stark naked. "This hardly seems fair.""What do you mean?""I'm totally hanging free here, and you're still bundled up like a nun. A little reciprocation would be fair, don't you think?"Cassie shuddered at the idea of Andrew seeing her naked. She was self-conscious enough about seeing herself in the mirror.But Andrew was staring at her expectantly, and she knew he would play along no more without this quid pro quo. She stood nervously, then pulled her shirt up over her head, dropping it beside her. Andrew just watched, expressionless except for his small smile, so she carried on.Her skirt followed her shirt to the floor, and then with a deep breath she unclasped her bra in the back and dropped that onto the pile as well. Without looking at Andrew, and with a face undoubtedly colored like a beet, she slipped her panties off, sliding them down her long bare legs and kicking them off onto the pile of discarded clothes.Andrew's eyes took in every inch of her nudity, and he sighed; she thought she heard him say "Cass" under his breath. When his eyes trailed back up to meet hers, he smiled. "And now neither of us can use that one."Cassie sat back down, a little closer to Andrew this time, their knees touching. "It's your turn."Andrew hadn't taken his eyes away from her yet, and still didn't as he answered without hesitation, "Never have I ever touched every inch of a girl's naked body." His hands were already reaching out to touch her shoulders, trail along her leg, cup her face. Grabbing her legs, he pulled her farther down on the bed so that she could fit lying down without hitting her head on the headboard. He took her face in his hands and kissed her sweetly."Andrew!" Cassie cried in a voice that was half a laugh when they paused to breathe. "What are you doing?""Not sure yet," Andrew said absently, tucking her hair behind her ears and kissing her soundly.Cassie could feel her heart beating in every extremity; had she ever been able to feel every inch of her hypersensitive skin the way she could now? Andrew did not stop kissing her as his hands fell away from her face, slipped down her neck and gently ran over her tits to her stomach. When his thumbs grazed over her nipples, a shock wave ran down through her torso, straight to that soft, dark place between her legs. She had never been as aware of that spot as she was at that instant.Andrew was kneeling over her now as she lay back on the bed, and in their mutual nudity it was impossible for him to hide his body's appreciation of this turn of events. His erection brushed against her thigh as he shifted, and she tensed, the unfamiliarity suddenly overwhelming her.The kissing stopped immediately; Andrew sat back, concern on his face. "Is this okay? Are you-- I mean, is this too weird?""No, no," she assured him, and she meant it. All this felt surprisingly natural, even as quickly as it was moving; as if this was the most obvious and right state for them to be in, and everything they had been and done before had been awkward and unsatisfying. "Please come back."He acquiesced with a vengeance, the force of his kiss pinning her to the bed as she wrapped one arm around his shoulders and grasped the back of his neck with the other. When he suddenly moved to change positions, he almost lifted her off the bed in his enthusiasm as she clung to him. She admired for a moment the powerful muscles of his abdomen and lower body when he sat up on his knees to shift, putting himself between her legs.She was unbelievably, overwhelmingly aroused, almost to the point of discomfort; she could feel the slickness of her own juices between her thighs as she moved over on the bed to center herself, and when she spread her legs apart to give Andrew a place to kneel, the cold air of the room was a shock on her wet flesh.Andrew's hands were on her hips, his thumbs tracing small circles on the skin of her stomach as his kisses began to trail downward; along her neck, across her collarbone, up the mound of her tit. His mouth closed over one nipple, his tongue moving torturously slowly in a narrowing spiral around it, ending at last in a fierce, cat-tongue lick and a small, playful nip.The muscles in Cassie's stomach tightened suddenly, jerking her, forcing a small gasp out from between her lips. Andrew smiled against her skin.One hand slid away from her hip, along the outside of her leg, fingers dragging lazily across the skin of her thigh. He folded his hand so that only his index finger pressed against her skin as he worked his way back up, running it along between her legs as she squirmed. At length, his finger found the already wet-slick folds of her nether lips, teasing them apart and sliding from her clit to her drenched opening.Her fingers tightened on the skin of his back, her mouth dropping open; it seemed suddenly as if there wasn't enough oxygen in the room, and the lack made her deliciously dizzy. He pulled back from her a little, watching her face as his finger slid up and down slowly.She couldn't get enough of his face, especially the tiny smile, like he had a secret and was going to tell her in little pieces, stretched out over the night. There was something strange and thrilling about watching him touch her; he seemed to waver between being the Andrew she'd always known and trusted more than anyone else in the world, and a completely different man, surprisingly sexy, totally aware of what she wanted and needed and ached for."Is this really happening?"She didn't realize she'd spoken the words aloud until Andrew paused in his finger's ministrations and bent to bury his face in her neck, whispering between kisses, "It must be, unless we're both sharing the best dream I've ever had."He sat up, eyes on her body like he was trying to memorize it. His hand started to move again, faster, his fingertip teasing her clit and sending alarmingly powerful jolts of pleasure through her body. Her toes and fingers were going numb in waves of tingles. She was blazing hot inside; her skin ought to be steaming in the air of the room.And at the core of her, so close to his hand, she began to feel an almost unbearable emptiness, as if he'd stolen a piece of her and he alone could return it. She closed her eyes, concentrated. She was so empty; she was a shell made only of feverish skin, holding nothing but this raging inferno and a desperate, gaping vacancy.

Never Have I Ever.Cass finds the stud in her buddy Andrew.Based on a post by SmallTownPrincess. Listen to the Podcast at My first Time.Cassie gasped, jumping in her seat as the clap of thunder and splitting bolt of lightning across the screen lit the theater like daylight for an instant. In her momentary panic, she grabbed at the armrest, the fingers of her left hand finding instead the warm forearm of her fellow movie-goer and best friend, Andrew.Their met eyes for a moment, hers still wide with residual surprise and his glittering with amusement. With a blush for her silly panic and for the unexpected touch, she took her hand away, crossing her arms across her stomach and turning her face back to the screen.Recently, for reasons she couldn't entirely understand, Cassie had begun to feel awkward around Andrew.Too often she found herself blushing for small things, or giggling nervously, or losing the courage to do things like brush a hand through his hair or jump on his back for a piggy-back ride; things that a few months earlier she would have done without thinking.It was their stupid friend Margaret who'd started it, with her talk of "friends with benefits." Cassie had never considered the idea that her tall, gangly Andy could be, as Margaret had put it, "a certified hottie." They'd been friends for so long that she could no longer hold herself far enough away from him to be able to see him with an objective, appraising eye.Andrew's lips suddenly brushed her ear as he leaned over close to whisper to her, and she nearly jumped again. "The scary part's coming," he murmured, offering his shoulder as a place for her to hide her eyes.Ah, this was why she loved him so. Who else would understand how much she loved horror films; and how deeply they terrified her? Who would take the time to go to these films first without her, then come back to see them a second time, ready to point out all the really horrific scenes so that she could hide her face and not be scarred beyond belief?No doubt he would also stay with her after the movie tonight, curled in an uncomfortable ball on the floor next to her bed to act as her protector. He snored and drooled and would probably sleep through the apocalypse, but somehow having him there still made her feel better.When the film ended, the heroine narrowly escaping by boat as the only survivor, Cassie and Andrew filed out into the chilly, early autumn night. Cassie shivered, and Andrew dropped a friendly arm around her shoulders."Did you like it?" Cassie asked."It was alright. Definitely better this time than when I watched it by myself. Your reactions are priceless," Andrew said with a laugh."I can't help it! I jump at the jumps, I'm scared of the scary parts; that's what's supposed to happen when you go see a horror movie!""I wasn't complaining. I'm amused.""Hey, I saw you jump a little when he came out from under the shed to grab that girl's ankles.""Strictly for your benefit. I am never scared.""Oh? Well, good. You can stay up and keep watch tonight. Make sure no creepers come in my house in the middle of the night to chop me up for their stew."Andrew stifled a yawn, shaking his head. "An all-night vigil? Fat chance of that. You'd have to stay up with me."Immediately, Cassie began to think of ways she might keep him awake, each a little more risqué than the last, and she blushed again. What was it about him tonight that made her think such silly thoughts? He was joking with her, being her almost-brotherly friend as he always had been. The flirtatious edge was something she was imagining, she knew."Whatever you want, just keep the monsters away from me!" Cassie cried with a melodramatic wave of her arms. She ducked out from under his arm, darted the last few feet to the door of his car and leapt inside.The drive to her house was quiet, each of them thinking their own private thoughts in companionable silence. Once they got to the house, Cassie began to feel again a twinge of that fear she had experienced in the theater. The darkness, the quiet, the sense of waiting, it unnerved her enough that she let Andrew lead the way through the front door, clinging to his arm as if that would save her if some slasher movie antagonist were waiting on the other side."I don't want to go to sleep yet," Cassie said as they marched to her room, Andrew turning on lights as they went. "I'm all antsy. Let's play a game or something, huh?"Cassie had a grand total of three board games, one of which was nothing more than a sticky Candy Land board, devoid of any cards or playing pieces; there was little there with which to while away the evening hours."Let's play Never Have I Ever," Cassie suggested, and Andrew shrugged, his preferred signal of acquiescence.They sat on either end of her bed, both cross-legged, facing each other and hugging pillows in their laps. Each of them held up all ten fingers, ready to play."Never have I ever...read Hamlet," Andrew said by way of starting. Cassie shook her head."No, that's boring!""What? We always do stuff like that.""I know! Let's talk about something more fun than our reading lists and bodily functions." She eyed him beadily, daring him to repeat his disgusting scatological comments from the last time they'd played this game."Like what?""Like..." Cassie considered and discarded a dozen suggestions instantly, filing them away as either too mild or far too dirty. "Like, never have I ever kissed someone below the chin.""Really, never?""Never ever.""I'm not putting a finger down for that. It's dumb. You can't seriously have gotten to be nearly twenty years old and never done that.""But I haven't!""Come here. Kiss me right here on the neck, and then think of another one." He was laughing, but he did lean forward and pull his shirt away from the side of his neck, clearly intending for her to follow through.With another blush; would they never stop?; she bent and pressed her lips quickly to the spot where his neck met his shoulder. It was brief, but she was still pleasantly surprised by how warm his skin was there."Alright, now think of a better one than that," Andrew said with another laugh, sitting back."I can't think of anything. You say one.""Alright, fine. Never have I ever...made out with a hot girl who was sober."It was Cassie's turn to laugh. "Wait, how many drunk hot girls have you made out with?""Just one, but she was scorching.""Oh, prettier than me, huh?" She meant it as a joke, but her tone fell a little short of the levity she was going for, and she ended up sounding a great deal more jealous than she felt."Well, no, I mean, not prettier than you, per se..."Cassie gave him her most dramatic look of mock-hurt. "You don't think I'm pretty, Andrew?""Are you kidding? You're beautiful, Cass. But you're...you know...you're Cassie."A jolt of something like fear, but entirely not, shot through Cassie's stomach. He'd never said that before, that she was beautiful. True, he'd qualified it, but at the same time...he thought she was beautiful. Her face warmed."I'm tempted to make you make out with me and pick another one, just because you were so obnoxious about mine," Cassie said, laughing.Andrew laughed once, but then his smile became something decidedly more inviting."Oh, really? That wasn't obnoxious. I was merely pointing out that there are things in this life that you should have done in your teenage years.""And making out with a girl with no alcohol involved is definitely something you should have done. I still have another couple months before I'm out of my teens. You've missed the boat already! Anything you do now is necessary just to catch up.""So you think I should have done...this?" He rolled up onto his hands and knees, which put his face directly in front of hers, an inch or two away. After a pause, their lips touched, and in her surprise at the suddenness of it she broke the kiss to suck in a startled breath.He backed away a couple of inches, thinking he'd startled her unpleasantly, but Cassie followed him, leaning forward until they were separated by a mere sliver of air. Andrew kissed her again, softly at first, but then inspiration seemed to strike, and he sat up a little, putting his hands on either side of her face to hold her to him. When he finally released her, both of them were breathing a little harder, eyes a little wide, movements a little uncertain."So," Andrew said, clearing his throat and sitting back. "So, I guess I can't use that one anymore. Unless you've been drinking, of course?" Still too stunned to react properly to his comic jabs, she merely shook her head. "I thought not. You're not alcoholic enough to sneak a flask into a movie theater. Well, is it your turn to think of one, then, or are you going to make me go again?""I, um..." Cassie shook her head a little, cleared her throat. "Well, let's see. Never have I ever..." She thought of the moment earlier when Andrew had pulled his shirt back from his neck, showing off the lovely, muscled shoulders he was secretly proud of. She wondered if the rest of him was as nice as his shoulders. "Never have I ever seen any of my friends naked."Andrew's eyebrows shot up. "What, you've never been in a locker room before?""When would I have been in a locker room?" Cassie laughed. She was not the athletic sort, as Andrew was well aware."Still, never? Like, you've never gone streaking, skinny dipping, changed in front of each other, anything?"Cassie shook her head, grinning. Andrew stood up next to the bed. "Well, I can't let that go unchanged. Seriously, nudity among friends; it's a rite of passage!"He seized the back of his shirt and tugged it over his head, dumping it unceremoniously on the floor before going to work on his belt. Cassie watched with a mixture of horrified amazement that he was actually stripping naked in her bedroom, laughable discomfort because it was Andrew, and a growing appetite for the new perspective she was gaining on him, this thought of him as a real, handsome, sexy boy; not just her buddy Andrew.His pants hit the floor and he stepped out of them, standing awkwardly in his boxers for a moment before seizing the waistband and tugging those down to his ankles, too. Cassie couldn't help but stare; she'd never seen any boy totally naked, and here was a very fine specimen of man, standing in front of her with much less self-consciousness than she would have expected.After a moment, he bent to pull his boxers and pants back on, but Cassie protested."Aw, you're going to put it all back on?" she asked jokingly. "Here I thought you were going to play the rest of the game that way."Shrugging, Andrew sat back at the end of the bed as he had been, with the notable difference that he was now stark naked. "This hardly seems fair.""What do you mean?""I'm totally hanging free here, and you're still bundled up like a nun. A little reciprocation would be fair, don't you think?"Cassie shuddered at the idea of Andrew seeing her naked. She was self-conscious enough about seeing herself in the mirror.But Andrew was staring at her expectantly, and she knew he would play along no more without this quid pro quo. She stood nervously, then pulled her shirt up over her head, dropping it beside her. Andrew just watched, expressionless except for his small smile, so she carried on.Her skirt followed her shirt to the floor, and then with a deep breath she unclasped her bra in the back and dropped that onto the pile as well. Without looking at Andrew, and with a face undoubtedly colored like a beet, she slipped her panties off, sliding them down her long bare legs and kicking them off onto the pile of discarded clothes.Andrew's eyes took in every inch of her nudity, and he sighed; she thought she heard him say "Cass" under his breath. When his eyes trailed back up to meet hers, he smiled. "And now neither of us can use that one."Cassie sat back down, a little closer to Andrew this time, their knees touching. "It's your turn."Andrew hadn't taken his eyes away from her yet, and still didn't as he answered without hesitation, "Never have I ever touched every inch of a girl's naked body." His hands were already reaching out to touch her shoulders, trail along her leg, cup her face. Grabbing her legs, he pulled her farther down on the bed so that she could fit lying down without hitting her head on the headboard. He took her face in his hands and kissed her sweetly."Andrew!" Cassie cried in a voice that was half a laugh when they paused to breathe. "What are you doing?""Not sure yet," Andrew said absently, tucking her hair behind her ears and kissing her soundly.Cassie could feel her heart beating in every extremity; had she ever been able to feel every inch of her hypersensitive skin the way she could now? Andrew did not stop kissing her as his hands fell away from her face, slipped down her neck and gently ran over her tits to her stomach. When his thumbs grazed over her nipples, a shock wave ran down through her torso, straight to that soft, dark place between her legs. She had never been as aware of that spot as she was at that instant.Andrew was kneeling over her now as she lay back on the bed, and in their mutual nudity it was impossible for him to hide his body's appreciation of this turn of events. His erection brushed against her thigh as he shifted, and she tensed, the unfamiliarity suddenly overwhelming her.The kissing stopped immediately; Andrew sat back, concern on his face. "Is this okay? Are you-- I mean, is this too weird?""No, no," she assured him, and she meant it. All this felt surprisingly natural, even as quickly as it was moving; as if this was the most obvious and right state for them to be in, and everything they had been and done before had been awkward and unsatisfying. "Please come back."He acquiesced with a vengeance, the force of his kiss pinning her to the bed as she wrapped one arm around his shoulders and grasped the back of his neck with the other. When he suddenly moved to change positions, he almost lifted her off the bed in his enthusiasm as she clung to him. She admired for a moment the powerful muscles of his abdomen and lower body when he sat up on his knees to shift, putting himself between her legs.She was unbelievably, overwhelmingly aroused, almost to the point of discomfort; she could feel the slickness of her own juices between her thighs as she moved over on the bed to center herself, and when she spread her legs apart to give Andrew a place to kneel, the cold air of the room was a shock on her wet flesh.Andrew's hands were on her hips, his thumbs tracing small circles on the skin of her stomach as his kisses began to trail downward; along her neck, across her collarbone, up the mound of her tit. His mouth closed over one nipple, his tongue moving torturously slowly in a narrowing spiral around it, ending at last in a fierce, cat-tongue lick and a small, playful nip.The muscles in Cassie's stomach tightened suddenly, jerking her, forcing a small gasp out from between her lips. Andrew smiled against her skin.One hand slid away from her hip, along the outside of her leg, fingers dragging lazily across the skin of her thigh. He folded his hand so that only his index finger pressed against her skin as he worked his way back up, running it along between her legs as she squirmed. At length, his finger found the already wet-slick folds of her nether lips, teasing them apart and sliding from her clit to her drenched opening.Her fingers tightened on the skin of his back, her mouth dropping open; it seemed suddenly as if there wasn't enough oxygen in the room, and the lack made her deliciously dizzy. He pulled back from her a little, watching her face as his finger slid up and down slowly.She couldn't get enough of his face, especially the tiny smile, like he had a secret and was going to tell her in little pieces, stretched out over the night. There was something strange and thrilling about watching him touch her; he seemed to waver between being the Andrew she'd always known and trusted more than anyone else in the world, and a completely different man, surprisingly sexy, totally aware of what she wanted and needed and ached for."Is this really happening?"She didn't realize she'd spoken the words aloud until Andrew paused in his finger's ministrations and bent to bury his face in her neck, whispering between kisses, "It must be, unless we're both sharing the best dream I've ever had."He sat up, eyes on her body like he was trying to memorize it. His hand started to move again, faster, his fingertip teasing her clit and sending alarmingly powerful jolts of pleasure through her body. Her toes and fingers were going numb in waves of tingles. She was blazing hot inside; her skin ought to be steaming in the air of the room.And at the core of her, so close to his hand, she began to feel an almost unbearable emptiness, as if he'd stolen a piece of her and he alone could return it. She closed her eyes, concentrated. She was so empty; she was a shell made only of feverish skin, holding nothing but this raging inferno and a desperate, gaping vacancy.

Ein Gletschersturz verschüttete vergangene Woche das Schweizer Dorf Blatten. Die Klimakrise dürfte solche Ereignisse begünstigen. Was das für die Alpen in Österreich bedeutet, wie gut sie überwacht sind, und wo hierzulande falsch gebaut wurde, bespricht die Leiterin des Falter-Naturresorts Katharina Kropshofer mit der Gebirgsforscherin Margreth Keiler (Uni Innsbruck, ÖAW). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Der Erfindergeist der Tiere: Werkzeuge, Ideen und Innovationen. Faszinierende Einblicke in tierische Intelligenz, Kreativität und Werkzeugnutzung – von Kognitionsbiologin Alice Auersperg (Hördauer ca.  58 min)Das Buch, das uns Tiere mit anderen Augen sehen lässtTiere folgen nur ihren Instinkten und können höchstens ein paar angelernte Arbeitsschritte ausführen? Weit gefehlt! Sie können so viel mehr, als wir geahnt haben! Von Blaumeisen, die Milchflaschen knacken, bis zu Kakadus, die mehrstufige Werkzeuge herstellen: Die Kognitionsbiologin Alice Auersperg gibt uns einzigartige Einblicke in die faszinierende Welt der Kreativität und des Erfindergeists der Tierwelt.Verblüffende neue Erkenntnisse aus der TierweltDenn wir Menschen sind nicht einzigartig in unserer Fähigkeit, Neues zu schaffen und Probleme zu lösen. Auerspergs überraschende, auf neuesten wissenschaftlichen Erkenntnissen basierende Entdeckungsreise schenkt uns ein tieferes Verständnis tierischer Intelligenz und einen neuen Blick auf die Entwicklung der menschlichen Kognition. Entdecken wir, wie nah uns Tiere wirklich sind, und lassen wir uns von ihren Werkzeugkisten inspirieren!Die Kognitionsbiologin Alice Auersperg ist Gründerin und Leiterin des Goffin-Labs am Messerli Forschungsinstitut der Veterinärmedizinischen Universität Wien.Sie forscht zu tierischer Intelligenz an Forschungsstätten und Zoos sowie im Freiland, aktuell vor allem mit Papageienvögeln, aber auch interdisziplinär mit Affen, Kindern und Robotern. Zuvor arbeitete sie u.a. an der Universität Edinburgh, der Universität Wien und an der Universität Oxford. Sie ist Mitglied der Jungen Akademie der ÖAW.Patricia McAllister-Käfer ist freie Journalistin und Schreibmentorin. Sie beschäftigt sich in ihrer Arbeit für Auftraggeber wie „Die Presse“ oder „Datum“ mit dem Verhältnis zwischen Natur und Mensch – und damit, wie es sich erzählen lässt.Wenn Ihnen unser Beitrag gefallen hat, hören Sie doch auch einmal hier hineinoder vielleicht in diese SendungKommen Sie doch auch einfach mal zu unseren Live-Aufzeichnungen in Schwabing Redaktion und Realisation Uwe Kullnick

Quaranteam – Book 1: Part 4 A pandemic survivor's harem continues to thrive amidst chaos.. Based on a post by CorruptingPower, in 25 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels. Chapter 11 For the next hour or so, Andy explored the house on his own while the girls moved things from the car into the house, as well as letting the cats loose into their new environment. He wasn't sure who was more overwhelmed, himself or the cats. The building was immense, feeling both warm and alien all at the same time. Mostly, though, the space felt incomplete. It was a home that had been decorated by a real estate agent, not by someone looking to live in it. Everything was arranged for show not for actual use. He wandered into the gym first and found it stocked with free weights, resistance machines and a small aerobics area, all the machines in pristine condition, never used. Looking at himself in the mirror, he wasn't even sure he recognized himself in this new home. Andy strolled out of the gym and found himself in one of the three living rooms, with a wet bar off to one side. There were several couches arranged around the middle, as well as a handful of lounge chairs. Without warning, Muninn, his Russian blue cat, hopped up from behind one of the couches onto the back of it, which startled the hell out of Andy. As soon as the cat saw him, however, he sauntered over Andy's direction. Andy moved closer and pet the cat, who gave a healthy purr in response. "Yeah, I know, Mun, it's weird for me too. But we live here now, so explore away." "Are ya freaked out?" Aisling said to him as she moved into the room. "It's just a home." "That's just it, Ash," he sighed. "It's a home, but it's not my home, not our home. Not yet. I'm sure I'll get there at some point, but for right now, it's just reinforcing how weird all of this is. I mean, yesterday, there were seven of us crammed into that little tiny condo, and now Eric lives down the street, and we live, here. In the kind of place I never even dreamed about." Aisling moved over, a soft sympathetic smile on her face, as she wrapped her arms around him and held him in an inviting hug for a long moment. "The world's changing, and we have to change with it, Andy. That means we're all going to be a bit out of our comfort zones now and then, but think of it this way,  you can make one of these bedrooms into a full on study, and line the walls with bookshelves, like you said you'd always wanted to do. We'll put your desk in there, and you can turn it into a writer's cozy, a space where you can go and work on your next book and nobody'll bother you. What's wrong with that?" "There's nothing wrong with that, Ash. There's nothing wrong with any of this, except for the fact that I didn't really earn any of it." "Luv," she said to him, "most of the people who get lucky in life, it was right place right time, and all they did was have the good sense not to muck it up. That's what you're doing here. You were in the right place at the right time, and you had the good sense to let me into your bed. And I've been good to you, haven't I?" "Oh god, Ash, you and Lauren and Niko have all been amazing, far better than I deserve,” "There'll be none of that, mister," she scolded, slapping his shoulder. "You've been grand to all of us, and you've helped Eric and Lily get their shit sorted out. I know Jenny doesn't have her head sorted out yet, but when she does, I'm sure she'll thank you. You could've been a right shite about alla this, but instead you've been a stand-up guy. So take a deep breath." Andy stopped and took a deep breath. "It didn't help much." "It helped a little." "Okay, it helped a little." "Are you more bothered by the house, the staff or the fact that there's going to be a lot more women moving into our lives?" "It's a lot of women, Ash." "It will be a lot of women, Andy. Yes, that's absolutely true, but we'll manage it. Besides, the house is nice isn't it?" "Understating things a bit, aren't you Ash?" "Fine," she said with a wry grin, rolling her eyes in his direction. "It's a bloody magnificent place. Just in the tour alone, I wanted to strip down to my knickers and socks and play 'Risky Business' so if you hear 'Old Time Rock'n'Roll' blaring from the hi fi, look both ways when walking through the hallways." "You're changing the subject." "It'll be fine, Andy. Just stop worrying and enjoy this." She moved to sit down in the couch, and picked up a remote control from the coffee table in front of it. She looked around the room for a moment before she finally just pressed the power button on it, to see what happened. From a small overhang across the room, a giant television dropped down and turned on, as concealed speakers all around the room hummed to life. "That is hell of a television." Andy moved to slump down onto the couch next to her, throwing an arm around her shoulders. "And just think, this isn't even the theater room. Let's just relax for a little bit and watch some TV." Apparently whoever had set up their house had given them a deluxe cable package, with every optional channel Andy could think of, and loads he'd never even heard of. They settled on SpikeTV, which was in the middle of a James Bond marathon. They were showing "Goldeneye" and they'd had the luck to turn on right at the beginning. "I've always loved Brosnan as Bond," Aisling said to him a few hours later, as the movie was over. "I don't know that he's the best Bond, but he's my Bond. You?" "He was great, but I've always been a Connery man myself." "You Americans, you all have your own Bond, much like those of us across the pond have our own Doctor. You a fan of Doctor Who, luv?" Andy smirked wryly. "Tom Baker, but if I'm honest, I could watch David Tennant in anything. I watched "Good Omens" last year at least three times. I'm guessing you're a Capaldi girl." "Chris Eccleston's my Doctor," Aisling said. "But I'm glad you didn't say I should be a Matt Smith girl, just because he had a ginger companion." Andy shook his head. "So did Tennant, but neither of them were Irish. Catherine Tate's British and Karen Gillan's Scottish. I'm not an idiot, love." "Bless, Andy," she whispered, as she kissed his cheek. "It's so strange. I feel like I'm missing time, what with all the holidays we've basically skipped over. I was getting my first injections on July 4th, but I didn't even hear any crackers in the sky. Were there any?" "None that I could see, Ash. Halloween's just around the corner. Maybe now that we're in a gated community we'll get trick or treaters." "You think there's children in the estates?" "No idea. I'm not really sure what to expect here. We've barely seen the house, much less the small town that's formed up around it." "That's going to be just as strange, people we can sit and talk with, restaurants we can go and have dinner in, a movie theater filled with people, guaranteed not sick people. It all sounds so wonderful." "I'll talk to Eric, maybe we can get a Halloween costume party together." Aisling cooed at him. "That sounds wonderful." She glanced over his shoulder. "Looks like your maid in here." Andy looked back over his shoulder and saw Yvette standing there, nervously shifting back and forth, before he chuckled and curled a finger in her direction. "C'mon, Yvette. You look like you've got something you want to say." "Simply a request Master. I and the rest of your staff, well, we are having trouble keeping our heads clear. We do not wish to pressure you, naturally, but the longer you wait before imprinting us, the more difficulty we will have executing our responsibilities around the home. It is getting hard to focus." He removed his arm from around Aisling and rose to his feet, a wry smile on his face. "I'll say. I can't help but think about something Groucho Marx once said to his brother Chico." "I'm sorry, I don't know who those people are, Master." "Comedians. Groucho is the one with the bushy eyebrows and greasepaint mustache. Chico used to pretend to be Italian. Groucho would occasionally say to him, 'Chico, I think your accent is slipping.'" Andy grinned as he approached her. "Is your name really Yvette?" The maid visibly blanched. "Am I trouble?" "Answer the question," Aisling said, getting off the couch, heading to join them. "No, ma'am. It's Nicolette." "Are you actually French?" Andy asked. "Second generation, but I was putting on a show. Mr. Marcos seemed to think you might enjoy it." Andy shook his head and laughed. "Fucking Phil." "So you're not angry, sir?" "You don't have to lie to me, Nicolette." He gestured to the maid's outfit. "Do you really enjoy this kind of thing?" She smiled, almost coquettishly, and nodded. "I do, Master. I'm naturally submissive, and this is what I wanted to do in the new world." "Are you bisexual, Nicolette?" Aisling said. "I am, madam, if that's alright." Aisling leaned over and grabbed the girl by her mane of hair and pulled her into a firm, intense kiss that made Andy's breath catch a little. Nicolette seemed caught off guard only for a moment, before she leaned into the kiss, and pressed her busty body against the Irish girl. After they made out for a minute or so, Aisling pulled back and grinned at Andy. "Well, we should make sure the girl gets what she needs, but mama has needs too." Aisling pulled Nicolette with her over towards one of couches. She reached up beneath her skirt and pulled down her panties before stepping out of them. Then she laid back onto the couch and spread her legs, exposing that ginger cunt to Nicolette. "Tell you what. You lick my cunt, and I'll make sure he fucks you good." "Yes madam," Nicolette said as she moved down onto her knees, before Aisling pulled over a footstool. "Thank you madam." The maid moved up to kneel down on the footstool, her hands pressed on the couch, as she moved her lips down to press against Aisling's exposed snatch. Andy walked over towards them as he watched Aisling's fingertips move to get lost in the girl's thick blonde curls, rocking her hips up against the maid's mouth. "Shit, Andy, she's fucking good at this." "Umm, it certainly looks that way, but what if I wanted to see if those titanic tits of hers were real, hmm?" He unbuttoned his jeans, slowly unzipping them. "Oh, I can fix that," Aisling said with a laugh. She pushed Nicolette's face back. "Lay down and turn over. Are those enhanced or natural?" Nicolette rolled over, laying on her back on the footstool before she pulled the top off one shoulder then the other, tugging it down to her waist so her massive tits spilled free, thick and curvy. "All natural, madam. Any excess weight I put on seems to go straight to my tits or my ass and nowhere else." She curved her fingertips around her left tit and pulled it upward, bringing it up so she could lick her large pink nipple while Andy watched. Then she reached down and dragged her skirt upwards, as she moved to push her head onto the couch while Aisling moved up onto her knees, straddling the girl's face. "Come on, Andy, don't keep the poor slut waiting." Andy tugged his jeans and boxers down enough for him to fish his cock out, moving to step out, rubbing the tip of his cock across the maid's twat, finding it was still soaked. "Remember when I told you I never showed my cock to anyone I hadn't kissed, Ash?" "She doesn't want you to show her a good time, love. She's only got one thing on her mind, don't you whore?" "Yes madam," the maid said between licks at Aisling's cunt. "And what is that?" Aisling's question caught the maid off guard. "Ma'am?" "What is the one thing you've got on your mind?" "Being imprinted, ma'am." Aisling reached down and pinched one of Nicolette's nipples hard enough to make the maid yip audibly. "The master likes a dirty mouth on his girls, Nicolette. Maybe Phil didn't tell you that, but as Andy's first girl, it's my job to make sure everyone in the house knows exactly what he likes. So let me ask you again,  what's the one thing you've got on your mind?" "Getting the Master to fuck me, ma'am." "Why?" "So I can be imprinted, to be owned, to belong to him, and be part of his house." "Then tell him." "Yes ma'am." Nicolette pulled her head back for a moment to look up at Andy, and the look on her face was one he was starting to get quite familiar with, a heady mix of need and lust. "Sir, let me offer you my body, my drenched holes for your use. I need to be fucked to belong to you, to feel your jizz blasting inside of my cunt or asshole, marking me as yours, imprinting me, claiming me. Take me, sir. Own me. Fuck my tight young snatch and brand me as your slut, your maid, your little French fucktoy. It hurts, sir, aches. I can't think straight. I'm a rutting bitch in heat, needy for a cock to clear her head. Can I serve you, Master? Will you grant me that privilege? Fuck me, sir. Do it." "Put your mouth back to work, Nicolette, and I will," Andy said, as he pushed his cock along her cunt, feeling her shiver, her body instinctively trying to line it up so his wood would penetrate her. "Yes, Master. Of course, Master." Nicolette slid her head back between Aisling's thighs, pressing her face up against the redhead's cunt, her tongue pushing into the girl. Aisling leaned forward a little bit, reaching a hand forward to grab Andy's face, pulling him closer, kissing him as Andy pushed his cock inside of Nicolette's cunt. Beneath her, Aisling could feel the girl already lost in the throes of her first orgasm, muffling the scream by pressing her hips down against the maid's face. "How is she?" "I think I might have killed the poor girl." One of Nicolette's hands lifted and offered a thumb up gesture to them, which made Andy and Aisling both laugh until Aisling kissed Andy hard again. She reached down and grabbed Andy's hip to pull him hard into Nicolette, slamming his cock hilt deep into the French maid with enough force to make those heavy tits of hers jiggle and bounce. "That's it, Andy. Just rail the girl." "You're trying to make me cum inside of her, aren't you?" "It's working, isn't it?" Aisling giggled a little bit. "I'm giving up my load for the day to her. I want you to fill her cunt so full of cum that there's enough for me to lick a little bit out of her gash when you're done. You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Andy groaned a little bit. "You're wicked, Ash." " Umm, just like you want me to be. I have to admit, I'm a little addicted to it, seeing a new slut fuckdrunk on your spunk for the first time, her eyes rolled back in her head, the orgasm so intense that she's trembling like she's been struck by lightning. It make you seem so powerful." "I don't think I can last long," he mumbled. "She's fucking tight." "Then why wait? She wants your jizz. I want you to jizz inside of her. You want to jizz inside of her." She kissed his cheek and then moved nibble on his earlobe. "Go on. Give your newest slut her nut. Fill her up with that hot spunk and claim her. Your girlfriend is telling you to do it. Cream her up. In your house. Make her your slut, your maid, your personal fuckhole. Give to us. Please Master, she fucking needs it. I need it. Cum for us. Flood the little bitch with your cum. Show her who the lord of the house is." Aisling licked her tongue along the shell of his ear, then breathed hot onto his flesh, before whispering, "Own her. Cum!" Nicolette's heels pressed into the small of his back as he pushed his cock hilt deep inside of her cunt and began to erupt inside of her. As soon as the first blast of his jism hit the back of her cunt, Nicolette began to thrash, her heels lifting off his skin as her legs pointed straight up into the air and began to practically vibrate, quaking like she had her own personal earthquake. Eventually Andy's release ebbed back, and Aisling leaned to kiss him once more, her hand reaching up to brush sweat from his face. "Another one bites the dust," she giggled against his mouth before he pulled his hips back, letting his cock slide out from Nicolette's snatch as the girl's legs moved to slump down on the footstool, her whole body lying ragdoll limp, her lips very quietly mumbling that familiar word over and over again. Aisling lifted her hips up and moved back to her feet, shifting Nicolette to move the maid's entire body up onto the couch, cradling the girl's head against the pillow on the armrest. Andy was starting to adjust to tuck his cock away before he felt Aisling's hand stop him. "Just wait there, mister." The Irish girl grabbed a blanket and moved to lay it over Nicolette's unconscious form, covering her up, making sure the maid looked cozy. After Nicolette was properly tucked in, she turned around and kneeled down to lick his cock clean. It had still been glistening with a bit of his cum, as well as juices from Nicolette's cunt, but Aisling gave it a spit shine. Andy could feel himself struggling to get hard again, but as soon as Aisling had his cock clean, she tucked it away. "Tomorrow you can take care of the gardener and the cook." "Fucking this many people is exhausting, Ash." "Awww. Poor baby. Do you know how much sympathy I have for you, half a dozen women craving your cum so much they'll fling themselves at you?" "Very little?" "Not even that much." Andy chuckled, helping Aisling to her feet. "Yeah, I guess that's fair." Chapter 12 Andy awoke the next morning much earlier than he normally did. It was the fact that the bed beneath him was new to him. New bed, new house, but the house itself didn't change as much of his perspective as the bed did. Sure, the four of them had fit in his old bed back at the condo, but the new bed had plenty of room for them to sprawl out if they wanted, and yet, he still awoke with all the girls basically pressing up against him, Aisling and Niko on either side of him, and Lauren mostly draped over Aisling. The cats were nowhere to be seen, although he wouldn't be surprised if they wandered across the bed several times during the night. He did his best to extricate one arm free so he could look at his watch, only to find it was actually nearly nine a.m., far later than he'd expected. The girls remained zonked, and he had to admit, they'd all been up a bit late into the wee hours of the morning just wandering around and exploring the house. He still felt like he didn't have a great handle on the layout of the place, but he figured that would come in time. Determined not to wake anyone, he wriggled his way downward, disentangling the gilded cage of arms and legs he found himself wrapped in. Once free, he was pleased to see that he hadn't woken any of the trio, so he headed into the closet to grab a change of clothes. Immediately, he feared he might have made a terrible mistake, as the walk in closet was larger than the old condo's living room, but thankfully, most of his t shirts were hanging on clothes hangers directly in front of him, and a dresser there seemed to have his pants, boxers and socks. In fact, as he glanced at the walk in closet, he was a little amused to see how little of what he saw was actually his own clothes. Sure, all of his clothes were there, but they took up a fraction of the amount of space the walk in closet had on offer. Each of the girls had carved up their own section of the closet space, although if the Major was to be believed, this wouldn't be enough room eventually. The Major had even suggested each partner consider taking one of the bedrooms of the manor as their own, simply to have their own space, and their own place to keep their clothes. "Personal space is going to be important," she had told them yesterday. Andy had immediately decided it was advice worth heeding. He grabbed a change of clothes and headed towards the bathroom. After stepping foot inside of the bathroom, he closed the door behind him, doing his best to keep the noise volume down, so as to not wake anyone. He imagined the girls would be up any minute now, but saw no reason to get anyone up before they awoke naturally. Some nights they all wore pajamas, but last night, they'd all just piled in one naked mess into the new bed, so the only thing Andy had to take off before he got into the shower was his watch and glasses, setting both on the counter next to his clothes. The shower space was just about the same size as the bathroom in the old condo, but it was a thing Andy had decided he was just going to have to come to terms with. Everything in the new home was going to be bigger, because it had more people to accommodate. It did, however, give him plenty of room to maneuver as he attempted to get the water's temperature to a level he was comfortable with. He hadn't even thought to ask how the utilities of the new home were going to be paid for. He made a mental note to ask someone about it as he stepped under the soothing warm water. Ten minutes later, he'd finished the shower, dried himself off and gotten dressed. As he passed through the bedroom, he could see that while none of the girls were awake yet, they had shifted to make up for his absence, now lined up like three little spoons, with Niko's ass pressed against Aisling's hips, and Aisling's ass against Lauren's hips. The cats had also joined them on the bed, sitting at either corner of it, almost like they were on guard duty. Andy reached down to pet Huginn, and the black cat leaned his head up to lean into Andy's touch. He smirked as the cat slowly pulled away from Andy's hand, but it was only to roll onto his back, exposing his belly, hoping Andy would give it a rub. He patted the plump cat's tummy briefly, but not long enough so that Huginn would think it was a game of Attack The Hand. He didn't want to remain long enough to wake the girls, so he grabbed his phone from the charger on the nightstand, moved to the door of the bedroom and slipped out, closing it shut behind him as he moved into the hallway. The layout of the house was still fuzzy in his head, but he knew for certain that if he wanted to grab some breakfast, he needed to head downstairs. As he wandered downstairs, the cook, Jennifer, he thought her name was, awaited him. She still had on the same apron from the day before, but the clothes she had on beneath it had changed to warmer colors. The t shirt was a light green and the slacks a cream color. "Good morning, sir. Would you like some breakfast?" she asked, a smile beaming at him. She was fidgeting, he noticed, and he was certain that the effects of the vaccine were starting to claw at her. He would have to make sure to take care of both her and the gardener today. "Sure, Jennifer, that'd be nice. Is it Jennifer, or do you prefer Jen or Jenny?" he asked her, as she started to lead him towards the dining room. "Whatever you'd like, sir," she said, demurely. "No," he chuckled, "I'm asking you what you prefer to be called. I don't mind being in charge of the house and all that, but I'm not about to go around deciding what people are called. What do you prefer to be called?" "Jenny, sir," she giggled. "Sorry, sir. What would you like for breakfast today?" "Just, like, a croissant or a bagel with egg, cheese and ham on it? I don't need anything special." "Give me five minutes and I'll whip something up for you." Andy moved to sit down at the dining room table. The chairs were aimed at a much more formal environment, something he was going to have to make sure got corrected. He felt a little bit like Michael Keaton as Batman, sitting at a massively empty table all by himself. He opened his friend group's Discord chat channel and typed in a message to Eric “ you okay in your new place, man? “ but he saw that Eric was off line and didn't respond, so he figured he'd hear back from him later in the day. Phil was up, though, and the two chatted for a little bit while Andy waited for breakfast to arrive. Jenny poked her head in. "Did you want juice or milk, or should I make coffee?" "God, the girls made drink coffee, but I can't fucking stand it. So it wouldn't hurt to put a pot on, but none for me, thanks. I'll just have some orange juice or pineapple juice or whatever." "Got it," she said, dipping back into the kitchen, the swinging door closed behind her. Phil was in good spirits, and let Andy know that he would be behind the wall in the gated community before the end of the week, which meant they could all hang out again. Phil insisted that on Saturday, they should all get together and play poker while the new families intermingled, something Andy agreed to immediately, and suspected Eric wouldn't have any problem with. "Sir, can I talk to you for a minute?" Jenny said, as she brought out a tray with a bagel filled exactly as he'd asked and a glass of orange juice on it. "I don't mean to be rude or impatient, but,” "No no, Jenny, I know. You're having trouble thinking clearly, and would like to get imprinted as soon as possible. Let me eat my breakfast, and then we can go take care of it if you like." "I would like, sir, but that's not it." The girl looked at her hands as she wrung them together nervously before she looked up at him. "May I speak freely, sir?" "Jenny, you're now and forever under orders to always speak freely in the house, okay? What is it?" "It's my partner, sir, Katie." "What about her?" "Well, she, ah, she lied on her forms. Sir." "About, what exactly, Jenny?" Andy wanted to know what was going on, but he was also famished, so he took a bite from his breakfast sandwich, as if encouraging the girl to continue speaking. "It's, well, it's a bit embarrassing, sir, but, you know that Katie and I are partners, right?" Andy swallowed his mouthful and took a sip from his orange juice before he spoke again. "You did mention it yesterday when you introduced yourselves." He gestured to a chair across the table from him. "Sit, sit. Now tell me what's up?" Jenny looked at the chair like it might bite her, but then nervously moved to sit down, her hands still folded together on top of the table. "So, uh, while I'm bisexual, Katie isn't. Sir. She's strictly a lesbian." Andy tried to keep his face blank. "Alright." "So while she's going to need to intake your jism regularly, she's, uh,” "She's going to be a pain in the ass about it," Katie said, moving into the room, clearly sounding cross. "Is that what you were going to say, Jen?" Katie was dressed in work clothes, having been outside working in the gardens, and had dirt on her knees, although she'd been careful not to drag any loose dirt into the house. "We're so fucked." "Baby, no! I just wanted to explain,” "You just wanted to explain that I wasn't going to do my job to our new boss. That's just great, Jenny! Now we're going to get hauled out of here and thrown in jail!" "Katie, please!" "We're fucked. We're so fucked, just because you had to grow a fucking conscience! I could've faked it! I could've pretended and just gotten through it, but no, you had to,” "Ah Hem!" Andy said, loudly clearing his throat to get both of them to settle down. "Can I interject into this, or do you two want to go on arguing about what I'm going to do without actually knowing anything?" Katie moved to nervously sit down in a chair next to Jenny, looking a little taken aback. "Sorry, sir." "Sorry, sir," Jenny echoed. "Thank you." Andy took another bite from his sandwich, which was delicious, while he let the two women sit in silence a moment, as if almost daring them to start arguing again. They made it past him finishing the sandwich without speaking again, but he was on his last sip of orange juice when Katie, the Hispanic girl, couldn't help herself and spoke again. "I love my wife, sir, and I want to remain faithful to her. And you seem like a nice enough man, but I'm just not attracted to you in any way. Sorry, sir." Andy smiled and shook his head a little bit. "Good lord, they barely told me anything, and somehow I still know more about all of this than you two do. Jenny, are you bisexual, or are you also lesbian?" "Bisexual, sir, but I'm married. To Katie." He nodded. "Look, I get that. So here's your options. If you want, I can tell the army you've changed your mind, and you can go back there, but if you've already been given the vaccination, you're unfortunately going to have to get paired up with some man." "That part's actually true?" Andy nodded. "I'm sure you're already feeling it, that unfamiliar blaze in your body. It'll get worse, a lot worse, until it's harder and harder to think, and you're just a raw, rutting creature, yearning for male sperm of some kind." "How horrible," Jenny whispered. "Better than the disease, Jenny," Katie said, patting her arm. "So what are our other options?" "The obvious one is, naturally, that you both continue to be here, do your jobs, and I simply provide sperm for you to consume. I mean, I could just bring you in towards the end of a session with me and one of my partners, or with Nicolette,” "Who?" Katie asked. "He knows," Nicolette said, standing in the door, leaning against the doorframe. She was wearing another maid's outfit, but it was subtly different than the one she'd worn yesterday. "And he wasn't mad. He even thought the whole Yvette thing was funny." "Or I could just agree to always use the two of you together, but the only person I touch would be Jenny, and Katie could touch Jenny. It's not strictly what you had in mind, but,” "But it would satisfy Katie's insistence that she remain faithful," Jenny said. "Would you be okay with that, baby?" "Okay?" Katie said, rolling her eyes. "Well, I might be able to get to okay eventually, if that's okay with you. Sir." "Come on," Andy said, rising to his feet. "Take me to your room and we'll get you both imprinted." "I'd, I'd rather you not come into our room, sir," Katie said. "If that's okay, sir. I'd like that to be just our special place, mine and Jenny's." "That's fine, but we'll need to have some place to lay you both down once you're done." "I did just fine on one of the couches, Master," Nicolette giggled. "Maybe we should use one of the living room spaces again." "Alright, but let's use one more off to the side." "There's always the lounge out in the pool house," Katie suggested. "I have a pool house? Y'know what, forget I asked. Of course I have a pool house. Fine, let's go out to the pool house. Nicolette, if the girls wake up, let them know I'll be back in a little bit, okay?" "Of course Master," she said with a curtsey, as Katie put her arm around Jenny's waist, and the two started to lead him to the back yard. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, sir," Katie said, as they walked past the pool. Sure enough, on the other side, there was a small house, which Andy could see had showers, a sauna, bathrooms, a small bedroom, and a little lounge. Hell, by itself, it was bigger than the old condo, and clearly this was a little guest house. "But I don't think your sperm is going to do anything for me." "Mentally, sure, probably not, Katie. But on a biological level, you'll find this whole thing is a little surreal. When you meet Niko, you'll get to know what sort of state she was in when she came into my life. She'll tell you the story herself, I'm sure, but from my point of view, she practically assaulted me before I even got her name." Jenny grinned impishly, as she closed the door behind Andy. The lounge had three couches in a U shape pointing towards a massive television, with a picture window on the side wall facing the pool. "I have to admit, that sounds kinda hot." "It was," Andy said, as the two girls pushed him to sit down in the middle of the couch. "A little terrifying, but kinda hot. So how do you want to do this?" Katie leaned up and pressed her lips against Jenny's, as Jenny's hand smoothed down her wife's hip. The kiss intensified and Andy could see the tongues dancing together, as Katie's hand moved to cup one of Jenny's plump tits through the apron before reaching behind her to untie it, pulling it up and over her head, tossing it aside. "I'm thinking Jenny here'll blow you, and I'll just share it at the end, so you have to tell us when you're close. If that's okay. Sir." "That's fine, Katie. If you always want to do it this way, that's fine, or if you want to switch it up now and again, we can do that too." Katie nodded, and reached down to pull Jenny's t shirt up and over her head, exposing the brunette's overabundance of titflesh that had actually been quite concealed by the apron. "We, uh,” She blushed a little bit before continuing, pushing Jenny down to her knees. "We've had threesomes before. I don't mind if Jenny gets a little cock now and then, as long as I'm always there, but it's hard to get men to understand I don't want any. They usually try to pressure me to join in." "Well I won't ever do that, Katie," Andy said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, although,” Jenny had unbuttoned his jeans, and unzipped them, as the other two continued to talk. Katie smirked, rolling her eyes a little. "As long as you don't care if I say no, you can always ask, sir." "I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind taking your top off as well, so we're all at least a little exposed here." "No, I can do that," she said, unzipping the top of the worksuit. "My tits aren't anywhere near as nice as Jenny's, though." She peeled the top down to her waist, exposing a perky caramel colored pair of tits, capped with darker tan nipples. "You've got excellent tits, Katie," Andy said to her, as she tied the arms of the top around her waist to tie it in place. "And don't you ever take shit from anyone who says otherwise." "Aw, you're sweet, Andy," she said before looking down at her wife. "How's it look, hon? Something you can work with?" Jenny nodded, having fished out Andy's cock, her fingertips stroking up and down it slowly. "It's a good size. I may want to have a ride on it now and again, if that's okay, baby." "Let's take it all one step at a time, okay?" Katie said. She moved to sit down on the couch next to Andy, laughing softly. "She's always been over eager. But I'll probably let you fuck her now and again. And I know she's a very good cocksucker. Her old boyfriend used to brag about it all the time." "Pig," Jenny said, before she wrapped her lips around the head of his cock, letting her tongue brush over it slowly, evoking a shiver from Andy. "Oh! Not you, sir, him." "I figured that one out, Jenny." Andy glanced over at Katie. "So are you both really submissive? Did you really want to do this, be a gardener and a cook?" "Jenny's mostly submissive, and I'm a switch," the Hispanic woman said. "And these were the jobs we had in the before times, just at different places. I was the gardener for some tech millionaire, and Jenny worked in the kitchen at the S F O airport Marriott, so we'll do our jobs well, and the other thing reasonably well." "I just want to make sure I'm not forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to." "We will be sure to tell if you're pushing it. Sir." She laughed slightly at herself, as if chiding herself not to forget to call him that. "Remember, you're going to have to tell us when you're close, sir," Katie said. "I'm a man of my word, Katie." "I hope so." Jenny pushed her head down onto his cock, sliding her lips down a few inches before pulling her head back up. "Oh, if you're going to do it, just fucking do it, Jen." Katie took her hand and pushed on the back of Jenny's head, forcing her face down hard into Andy's lap, until he could feel the girl's lips around the base of his cock, her throat twitching as she was struggling not to gag. Katie leaned in to whisper into Andy's ear. "She fucking loves shit like this." After a few seconds, Katie pulled Jenny's head back, and the girl coughed, laughing throatily, spit dripping from her mouth onto his cock, tears running down her eyes, a crazy smile on her face. "Oh god, I think I fucking came when you did that, Kat." "Well, not to take credit for it, but that was my precum. You're starting the imprinting process now." "I call bullshit," Katie said. "Prove it." Andy decided the best way to do this was to mostly remain out of it, so he took Jenny's arm by the wrist, rubbing her palm over the tip of his cock, which oozed out a little bit of precum, then lifted it up towards Katie, palm facing her face. "Lick. Prove me wrong." Katie cocked an eyebrow at him, then leaned forward to run her tongue along Jenny's palm. As soon as her tongue slurped in that precum, she leaned back suddenly against the back of the couch, pulling up her knees to her chest, her face scrunched tightly as she spasmed violently. Andy was fairly certain that Katie's panties were drenched, but didn't want to embarrass the girl by looking. After a few seconds, Katie's eyes opened again, and she groaned, a sultry wanton sound. "Oh you utter bastard," she moaned. "I know that's all physiological, but fuck was that good,” "You're going to get that same sensation each time you get any of my cum. Both of you. Ash's been with me the longest, about two months now, and she says it's never gotten any less intense, and from time to time, it's even way more intense than that." Katie pushed Jenny's head back down into Andy's lap, forcing her mouth back onto his shaft, as she wriggled in her seat. "How often do we have to have it?" "We've experimented around a little bit with trying to wean a girl off of it, but after about a week or so, it starts impairing logic. Not a lot, at first, but a little bit. It's harder to think clearly, you find sex popping into your head unwarranted more than usual. And by ten days, it's like a painful gnawing hunger. Lauren wanted to try and go two full weeks without, but on day eleven, ah,” Katie laughed softly. "Go on. You said we have no secrets here." Andy nodded with a slight shrug. "She, uh, when I went to take my shower in the morning, she followed me in and forced me to fuck her by trapping me between the wall and the sink. She bent over the sink and braced her hands against it and pinned me. I mostly just stood there, my ass pressed against the wallpaper while she thrust back against me hard and fast. She's, ah, she's a lot stronger than I am." Both girls laughed, although Jenny's laugh was a bit muffled, as she still had most of his cock in her mouth. "I think once a week or so is something we can make work," Katie said, brushing her hand along the back of Jenny's neck. "See? I told you she was good." "Fuck, her tongue keeps teasing against the bottom of my balls. I'm not going to last long like this. You may want to,” "Sure," Katie said, sliding off the couch and onto her knees, off to the side of Andy's right leg. "I know how we can do this." She pulled Jenny's head up and free of his cock before pushing her over to the other side of Andy's legs, his legs pressed together. "C'mere, babe." Katie pulled Jenny close, and then the two women kissed with the length of his cock between them, blocking their lips from reaching each other until they both slid up and kissed with the head of his cock between them. Jenny reached down to fondle his balls, and he felt a second hand join, a little surprised that it was Katie's, as the two tongues danced against each other, and over the head of his cock, and he couldn't resist any longer, his body tensing up as he had a hand resting on either of their shoulders. When that release hit him, he could see Katie's other hand on the back of Jenny's neck, as if holding her in place, as he saw Jenny suddenly reach up and do the same, helping each other to stay locked in place around the tip of his cock, as he blasted a hot load of spunk into their mouths. He felt like he gave at least a few pumps of jizz into each of their mouths, and certainly they were both affected, as each of them began to tremble, the clasp of hands and necks keeping them all in place, as both of them swallowed mouthfuls until finally they could resist no longer and both girls slumped their heads back and to the side, the full weight of their unconscious bodies pressed into the couch. Each of them trembled and vibrated a little, the aftershocks of the process clearly still coursing through their veins. Both girls were quietly murmuring that familiar word, imprinting, over and over again. It took Andy a few seconds to regain his composure, but once he finally did, he tucked his cock away beneath his boxers and jeans, zipping them up and rebuttoning them before he stood up and extracted himself from between them. He moved to lift Katie up onto the couch first, laying the girl out on it, before picking up Jenny, pushing her onto the couch with Katie, draping one arm over the Hispanic girl. Then he picked up an afghan laying in the room and covered them both up, for warmth as much as modesty. It wasn't freezing cold, but Halloween was next week, and California in October could get cold. He assumed the guest house had heating, but didn't even have the slightest idea how to turn it on. He was about to leave, then decided to scout the pool house out a little more. Sure enough, he found a thermostat, and noticed it was set to off, so he set the temperature to 70F and turned it from Off to Auto, hearing a heater kick on along the far side of the building. His work done, he decided to head back inside. He stopped to look at the pool, marveling the fact that he had his very own swimming pool, something southern Californians might have in spades, but certainly came at a premium in the northern California area, where real estate was a scarcity. He'd had dreams of his works being optioned, turned into movies or some such, and hoped that they would make him oodles of money, but the books hadn't developed a big enough audience where Andy would've felt comfortable enough letting someone adapt his works while remaining faithful to what he'd written. A producer had once offered him ten grand for the rights in perpetuity for everything, offering Andy no creative influence, no backend profits and no altering of the deal if things performed well. Andy had, in response, made a Berry Gordy joke that he was sure went over the producer's head, then politely declined. He'd jokingly referred to it to his friends as the "you'll take our money, shut your mouth and like it" deal. But he didn't, he wouldn't and so he didn't have to. In the end, he'd still ended up with a pool. He continued heading towards the house, seeing Niko, wearing just one of his over sized t shirts, although he suspected she probably had panties on underneath. Her arms were crossed over her chest, so he couldn't be sure, but he thought that it was one of his Catherine Wheel t shirts. It looked like the orange corners of the "Ferment" album cover peeking around her arms. "Morning, sleepyhead," he said, as he walked up towards her. "Everyone else up?" "Ash was toweling off when I came downstairs and Lauren was just heading into the shower, so she should be down in a little bit," Niko said to him. If Aisling had fallen into the role of his girlfriend, Niko had worked herself into becoming his right hand woman. Aisling took care of him emotionally, and Niko seemed to enjoy making sure everything was humming along. She'd been the one to structure their packing, and made sure Andy didn't forget anything he would regret leaving behind. Sure, all of that stuff was being brought over, but Niko had made certain that Andy hadn't left anything truly important to other people. "Also, your newest girl is here. She's waiting in the living room. Well, the front living room. One of the front living rooms. The one closest to the door. I signed for her, figured you wouldn't mind. That's her car parked out front, and the Uhaul attached to it has the rest of the stuff from the condo." "Nice." Andy was surprised another girl had arrived so soon, but the Major had made it clear that they would be coming at a steady rate until he was at capacity, which meant at least another nine or so, maybe even as many as thirteen more, although Andy had stressed to the Major that stopping early was absolutely fine. The Major had seemed to think that was funny. They'd walked inside of the house and headed towards the front living room. "What's her name?" "Her name is,” "Taylor!" Lauren's voice shouted as Andy and Niko walked into the room. Sitting on the couch was a young blonde, barely five feet tall, in a white muscle t shirt that didn't cover all of her toned stomach, and a pair of jeans that looked like they were practically painted on. A denim jacket was draped over the back of the couch. The girl's hair was platinum blonde, bordering on white, clearly dyed or bleached, but had dark eyebrows, and Andy could see dark hair down at the roots. She had a gold belly ring and heavy Doc Martin shoes. Small diamond earrings adorned her ears, and around her right wrist was a gold bangle bracelet. Her lipstick was a bright pink. In fact, it was clear that the girl, who looked like she was in her early twenties, had spent a decent amount of time on both her outfit and her makeup, like she wanted to make a good first impression. It was also worth noting that she was more than a little buxom for her small height, the top strained over her large tits enough that Andy could make out a white bra on underneath it. If not for the dark roots, she almost reminded him a little of a smaller version of Lauren. Both girls had a bit of that 'I'm showing off for Instagram' vibe to them, although Andy would never have said it that way to Lauren. "Andy, no fucking way! I do not want that bitch in this house!" The girl on the couch looked like she was about ready to break down crying, as Lauren loomed over her. His Aussie partner had put on a bit more than Niko, in that she was wearing yoga pants and a sports bra. "I'm sorry, Lauren," the girl, Taylor, said. "I'm so, so sorry, baby." "Don't fucking 'baby' me, you whore!" Lauren shouted, turning to walk towards Andy. "This is intolerable! Figure it out!" Lauren kept walking right past him and headed towards the stairs, each step heavy, almost like she was trying to stomp her anger out. "Figure It Out!" she shouted from upstairs, just before he heard the bedroom door slam loud enough to rattle the house. "I take it you know her?" Niko said to Taylor. "Yeah," Taylor mumbled. "I'm her ex girlfriend." Chapter 13 Andy looked at Niko, then at Taylor, then back to Niko, unsure of what to say to anyone. "Look, Niko, can you figure out her side of the story?" he said, gesturing to Taylor. "I'm going to go talk to Lauren and find out what the hell is going on." "Good luck, babe," Niko said, kissing his cheek. "Tell her," Taylor said before stopping, biting her bottom lip in a pout, then starting again. "Tell her if she'll let me, I'll spend the rest of my life apologizing to her." Andy didn't know what to say to that, so he walked out of the room and started heading to the stairs, trying to follow the sound he'd heard a minute or so ago of Lauren stomping off. Clearly there was bad blood here, but talking to Taylor first would only hurt Lauren's feelings, so he needed to check on his partner. Once he got to the top of the stairs, he saw Aisling leaning against the outside of the master bedroom door, which was closed. "What's all this then?" she said, jerking her finger to the door. "Lauren stormed in here crying a minute ago and told me to go away." "We just had a new girl show up, and apparently she used to be Lauren's girlfriend. I'm going to go talk to Lauren about it right now." Ash raised her hand. "Are you sure about this, Andy?" He shook his head with a sigh. "No, but I'm not going to sit around and do nothing, so I'm going in there." "You want me to go in with you?" Andy shook his head again. "No, better let me go in on my own." "Don't have to tell me twice. Who's keeping an eye on the ex?" "Niko's down talking to her. You're welcome to join her." "I'll do that," she said, moving to kiss his cheek, much as Niko had done. "You're a good man, Andy Rook. I'm sure you'll figure it out." "I think my spaceship knows which way to go. Tell,” "She knows," Aisling giggled, as she strolled past him and headed to the stairs. Andy moved to the bedroom door and considered knocking, but decided that it would only encourage Lauren to tell him to go away, so he simply opened the door and stepped in, closing the door behind him. He saw his Aussie partner sitting on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms folded atop of them, her face buried against her arms. "Okay, Laur, tell me the whole story," he said, moving over to sit down on the bed. "Taylor and I dated for about a year. She was even living with me for a few months, until one day I came home from work early and found her banging some guy in our,” She paused, wiping her eyes. "She was fucking some fella in my bed. I threw her out that night, and told her to pick her shit up the next day. I packed it up and left it in the hallway for her so I didn't even have to look at her. I haven't even seen her since." "Okay. What do you want me to do here?" "Do?" She curled her fingers together into fists before forcing herself to relax them. "What I want you to do is throw the bitch out on her ass and leave her to rot in the sun." "I somehow think the Air Force will come pick her up and take her back, if that's what you want." "She deserves a lot worse." "Well, she's already been injected with the vaccine, so the urge for male cum is probably eating away at her pretty badly right now, and you know what that's like." Lauren's face scrunched up. "It's a need, but it's not punishment." "And if I send her away, I'm pretty sure the Air Force is just going to give her to someone else in New Eden, so it's not like I can make her just disappear," he said, sighing softly. "But you're the one with the history here. So you tell me what you want. Should I throw her out? Is that what you want?" "What I want? What I want is for her to be punished and learn some fucking loyalty." "Do you want to be the one to do that?" Lauren rubbed her eyes again, then reached to take one of Andy's hands that had been resting atop of her knee. "What do you mean?" "Phil told me that if a woman partakes of the cum of a man other than the one she's imprinted to, it can have, consequences. Dire consequences. Which means she's going to have to be loyal to our family, if you want her to be a part of it." "She can't just come in without some retribution, Andy," Lauren said, shaking her head. "I won't let her just walk all over me like that." "Lauren. Love. At this point, you have the upper hand. You hold all the power right now. Your ex is here, and more than anything she wants to stay here, it looks like. Right before I came up here, she said she'd do everything she could to spend the rest of her life apologizing to you, to try and make it up to you. Have you talked to her at all since you threw her out?" "I didn't even talk to her when I threw her out, Andy!" Lauren said, tossing her

On episode 289 of The AwardsWatch Podcast, Executive Editor Ryan McQuade is joined by Editor-In-Chief Erik Anderson, Associate Editor Sophia Ciminello, AwardsWatch contributor Mark Johnson, and special guest Kevin Jacobsen, Entertainment Weekly Content Update Editor and host of the And the Runner Up Is podcast. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night. While everyone is settling into the summer blockbuster season and recovering from the Cannes Film Festival from the month of May, the AW team turn to the month of June by going back to a favorite exercise from last year, an extensive tier ranking of an Oscar category. After doing Best Director last year, the team moves the most popular category the Oscars has for the team; Best Actress and its 98 winners. In trying to place these winners in the correct spot, the team had to come together and decide on whether to place these performances in the S (all-time winner), A, B, C, D, or F tier and explain the ranking. Only 49 of the winners are discussed on this episode, including Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind, Liza Minnelli in Cabaret, Jessica Chastain in The Eyes of Tammy Faye, Judy Holliday in Born Yesterday, Elizabeth Taylor in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose, Loretta Young in The Farmer's Daughter and Sally Field in Norma Rae, with the rest covered next week. For the first time in the tier ranking episodes, the performances have been randomized, making the show even more unpredictable as to who will be covered from the list of winners on this episode. Also, the team has instituted two rules that include only 15 winners being able to be in the “S tier” and if an actress has multiple wins, only one of their wins can make it into the 15. It adds a fun wrinkle for the team to try and figure out when they get to their final rankings. It may only be part one, but it's a great episode and we hope you all enjoy it and listen next week to part two. You can listen to The AwardsWatch Podcast wherever you stream podcasts, from iTunes, iHeartRadio, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Spotify, Audible, Amazon Music, YouTube and more. This podcast runs 3h58m. We will be back in next week for part 2 of our Best Actress tier ranking episode. Till then, let's get into it. Music: “Modern Fashion” from AShamaleuvmusic (intro), “B-3” from BoxCat Games Nameless: The Hackers RPG Soundtrack (outro).

The Junior Transport Minister says issues with Coast Guard Search and Rescue Aviation services based at Shannon are being resolved. It's after it emerged that Bristow Ireland's AW-189 helicopter currently operating at Shannon was not licenced to carry a stretcher on board and therefore could'nt respond to medical evacuation calls. Bristow Ireland also did not possess a Fatigue Risk Management System, meaning it could'nt roster crews for 24-hour shifts, and requires at least 8 personnel across a day, rather than the usual 4. Minister Seán Canney insists however the service is functional.

It's such a simple word. Three letters. Just one syllable.  So why is joy so elusive?  We try so hard to find it –but, you know…   Why is Joy in Such Short Supply? Well, it's great to be with you again this week and we are starting a new series on the programme called, "It's Time to Start Enjoying My Life". I really am looking forward to this series because "joy" is such a big issue in life. It's such a simple little word – just three letters, one syllable – "joy" and yet it seems in such short supply; it's more precious than gold or silver. Think about it, how many of the people that you know, would say, if asked, "I'm really enjoying my life?" And if I ask you, how much, on a scale of zero to ten, are you enjoying your life, right now? How would you answer? Most people hover somewhere around the middle or bottom half of that "zero to ten" scale. Why is it though that joy seems to be in such a short supply in this world? There's not one person that I know if I asked them, "Would you like to experience joy in your life?" I don't know anyone that would say, "Aw no, no, I don't think I need joy in my life." Joy is such a wonderful thing, it's such an important thing. Now I've travelled to lots of parts of this planet; places where people are really wealthy, I mean mega wealthy; places where people are moderately well off and places where people live in abject poverty. I know people who are rich and people who are poor, tall and short, black and white, thick and thin, but you know something? None of those distinctions seem to have much to do with whether they are enjoying their lives or not. Those external things, at the end of the day, that's not really where it's at. You can have everything that money can buy – the latest plasma screen, the biggest new car, the finest clothes, jewellery, all those things and more; a wonderful husband or wife and great kids – you can have all of those things and still not really be enjoying your life. I heard a well known, really wealthy business man on TV the other night and he can have anything he wants. You could tell though, as he spoke and you looked at him, you could tell that he had an unsettled life; he was looking for something. See so often, when it comes to joy and the levels of joy that we experience, they're so low and we blame those things on the outside. "Well, I'd enjoy my life if I had more money." "I'd enjoy my life if I had a better job." "I'd enjoy my life if other people weren't so difficult; if it wasn't for the politics at work or the tension at home, or my loneliness or … You name it, we can blame it – then I'd enjoy my life." You know what I am talking about; blame, blame, blame. But you know why I know that it's not the things on the outside that give us joy? Because I used to be one of the people that thought that it was. I could holiday in five star resorts, I did. Had gold plated taps in the en suite – you name it, I could have it and I had no joy. I actually felt desperately miserable. You see, there's a big swindle going on in society and I don't care whether you live in a wealthy country or whether you live in a poor country. Maybe you have heard me talk about it before perhaps and I take aim at the advertising industry. It's not really their fault because it's a symptom of a greedy society. See, they flash up on television and in the media and on radio, seductive images of success and they link them to the product that they are trying to sell us and the message is, "If you buy this product you will be happy." So you do – you buy that product; you spend your hard earned cash and you discover that there is just no joy in it. And so we watch the next ad and we buy the next thing and it still doesn't satisfy and we do the next thing and it still doesn't satisfy. "Oh, when I'm happily married, then I'll enjoy my life." But you know something? Another person can't make you happy! I have a wonderful wife – truly. Jacqui is my absolute favourite person on planet earth but I can easily still feel empty and hollow and unhappy, even though I have her; even though I have a comfortable home to live in. See, we live in a world based on greed. Companies know that so they trade on our dissatisfaction; they trade on our lack of joy; they trade on our desire to discover joy as the basis for earning more money to fill people's pockets to make them happy but it never does. That's the swindle! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not against capitalism; I'm not against free enterprise; I'm not against people working hard – those things on their own though just don't bring you joy. And yet, over and over and over again, we go looking for joy in all the wrong places. "Ah, if I am entertained, I'll enjoy myself then." Sure for a short time, some entertainment might make us feel good but that's not what I am talking about. I'm talking about a deep, abiding contentment; a deep joy that never goes away – right through the highs and the lows and the ups and the downs and the good times and the bad times – a joy that's deep inside somewhere, that words can't describe. That's what I'm talking about. Joy; real, abiding joy! Now you might say to me, "Berni, is that what life's all about? Aren't you being unrealistic? Are you being a Christian hedonist – you know, the whole point of knowing God is that so you feel good?" Well, let me tell you something – one of God's greatest promises is the promise of joy when we have a relationship with Him – it's not an optional extra. He talks about it literally hundreds of times through the Bible. We are going to look at some of those over the coming weeks. Psalm 126, verse 5 says: Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Jesus said … you can read it in John chapter 16, verse 24. By the way, if you have a Bible grab it, we are going to need it today. John chapter 16, verse 24: "Until now,” He said “you have not ask for anything in My name. Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete.” Joy is not some optional extra in our relationship with God. It's an integral part of God's plan for our lives. So often God says He is going to do this or do that so that our joy would be complete. See, He wants complete joy for us – a joy that never fades; a sweet calm delight in our hearts – no matter what life throws at us. And it's a joy – a joy that comes from Him. Problem is so many people are trying to chase down this elusive thing called "joy", just looking in the wrong places.   Whose Idea is Joy Anyway? There is something awesome about being around a person who has a deep sense of joy. Maybe you know one or two people like that. Often they are not sort of over the top, really out going people; sometimes they are quiet and gentle but you just know that there is something inside them that you want. They seem to cope so well with the curved balls that life throws at them. They seem to have so much to give. They have like…like a quiet, understated kind of gentle confidence – maybe confidence isn't the right word, maybe contentment is the word I am looking for – and that person's joy kind of invades our heart space. We just want to be around them. It feels good because they're safe and encouraging and they are just great to be around. Most of us only know one or two people like that but what we know is that we want to be around them because it does us a whole bunch of good. My hunch is we kind of all relate to that. Joy is a commodity that seems to be in such short supply. The advertising industry, as I said earlier, tells us "Buy this product and you will experience joy" – it never happens. It's a symptom of a greedy world – me, me, me, more, more, more. But the more that we chase after this precious commodity that we call "joy", the more … well, the more elusive it becomes. For much of my life I truly subscribed to the philosophy that if all my needs were met – all my desires – I would experience joy. I had the big house, I had the latest car, I had gadgets galore but they never brought me the joy and the contentment I was looking for. So where do you get it? Christians sometimes get a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that we are talking about "joy" because it appears to be self-centred that we would be chasing after "joy". When Jesus came to this planet, He came proclaiming … what? The Kingdom of God; the reign of God in our lives and people got confused. They saw the Roman occupation in first century Israel and they thought, "Here is this Messiah to set us free from that kingdom of oppression and re-establish God's Kingdom in Israel; like when David was King – back to the good old days." Now, that's not what He was talking about at all. He was talking about something that happens in our hearts. In Luke chapter 17, verse 20: The Pharisees asked Him about the Kingdom of God and they said when would it come? And Jesus replied “The Kingdom of God isn't coming in a way that you can see. People won't say “Here it is” or “There it is” because the Kingdom of God is within you. People thought it was a physical kingdom; God had another plan. The Apostle Paul – he puts it really well in Romans chapter 14, verse 17 – he's talking about religious rules here. But he says: The Kingdom of God is not a matter of food or drink but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Isn't that interesting? The Kingdom of God isn't about these physical things; not rules and regulations about what to eat and drink, it's about three things – righteousness which is what we have when we believe in Jesus and we experience His forgiveness; a right standing with God through our faith in Jesus Christ; getting our lives back on tract. And through that we then get a peace and a joy – these are the things that the Kingdom of God is all about. And they come to us not through buying the latest gadget or extending the house or renovating the bathroom. No, they come to us through the Holy Spirit. And it's not a peace and a joy that the world offers – it's not something you can buy off the rack in the store, not that at all – it's a gift from God and it's something that Jesus talked about over and over and over again. Flip your Bible across from Luke to John chapter 15, verse 11. Jesus disciples were afraid; Jesus is about to be crucified. Everything they have believed and seen over the last three and a half years is falling in a screaming heap and look at what Jesus talks about: I have said these things to you so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” “I have said these things to you so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Jesus is about giving us God's joy even in those incredibly difficult times and in fact, especially in those times, and making our joy complete. Let me share something really interesting and profound with you. The Greek word – remember the New Testament was written in Greek – the Greek word for "joy" used right through the New Testament, is closely related to the word for "free gift" and the word for "grace". You see, God's joy is this thing that He wants to lavish on us freely – it's part of His grace; it's an integral part of who He is and what He has done through Jesus Christ. And over and over and over again, what we see is that the joy that Jesus talks about isn't the joy from the world. It's the joy that comes from God. It's not some joy we conjure up for ourselves; it's not something we experience because something good happened to us today or we bought some new clothes or something. No! God is a God of joy. Now, I challenge you – no we are not going to go there today – but I challenge you to read just one chapter in the Bible, its Luke chapter 15. Jesus tells three parables: one is about a shepherd who loses a sheep; one is about a widow who loses a coin and one is of a father who loses his son. And in each case these people regain what they had lost. Jesus told these stories to explain to us what God is like. The point of it is the joy in God's heart when He gets us back. The father of the prodigal son responds with such joy, he just lavishes it on his son who once was lost but now is found – he throws a party. My experience is I tried to get joy hits in so many different places before I met Jesus. I had the money to spend, so I did. I spent a fortune trying to capture joy and get it in my heart, but I never did until one day I encountered Jesus Christ. His presence; His Spirit is what flooded my heart with joy. It overflows out of me into the lives of other people – not perfectly – but in a way that words can't describe. Peter the Apostle, puts it this way in First Peter chapter 1, verse 8: Even though you haven't seen Him with your own eyes, you love Him and even though you don't see Him now, you believe in Him and you are filled with an unspeakable and glorious joy because you are receiving the goal of your faith, salvation of your souls. I didn't realise it at first but as my relationship with Jesus began to grow, that unspeakable and glorious joy; a joy that – I'm good with words, but I can't find words to describe because it's unspeakable and glorious. That wondrous joy filled my heart. It's not something you and I can conjure up. It's God's joy and He pours it into our hearts, through His Holy Spirit as we experience His forgiveness and start to live in His goodness and ditch the rubbish we used to think and speak and do. That's why Paul wrote God's Kingdom isn't about rules and regulations and physical things. It's about righteousness and peace and joy – God's righteousness, God's peace and God's joy that are given to us through the Holy Spirit. It's totally out of this world. Jesus was talking about His peace – He said: My peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I don't give it to you the way the world does so don't let your hearts be troubled and don't let them be afraid, He says in John chapter 14, verse 27. See until we experience it we just don't understand it. Even when we do, it's impossible to find words to describe the wondrous reality of the joy and the peace Jesus Christ brings. They're not from this world; they come from Him. And we can look in as many holes and under as many logs as we like but it's not until we put our trust in Him, completely in Him, that we experience His joy. We dwell in His presence, we pray, we are filled with such a wonder and such an awe and such a joy unspeakable. Entering the Gates of Joy We have been talking about the fact that God's plan is to fill us with joy but sometimes people look at God from a distance and they say, "Well, you know, I don't believe that that joy is for me. I don't know." Let me share a story with you. I visited a barber's shop recently to have my hair cut and as Bert the barber went to work we began to talk. We talked about … well, all sorts of things – sport, as you do in a barber's shop, politics, interest rates. Eventually we ended up on the subject of God. Bert says to me, "You know Berni, I don't believe that God exists." "That's interesting," I said, "Why do you say that?" Here's what he said: "Well you just have to go out onto the street to realise that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God existed, would there be so many sick people? Would there be so many abandoned children? If God existed would there be pain and suffering? I can't imagine a loving God would allow these things to happen." I thought about it but I didn't want to get into an argument with him so, when my haircut was done, I just paid and headed out the door. But just outside the door there was a man in the street, with long stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt so I turned around and headed straight back into the barber's shop and I said to Bert, "You know what Bert, barbers don't exist." He was a bit taken aback. He said, "How can you say that? I'm here, I'm a barber, I just worked on you." "No", I said, "Barbers don't exist because if they did there wouldn't be any people with dirty, long hair and untrimmed beards like that guy outside." But Bert was sharp as a tack. He said, "Ah, but barbers do exist – that's what happens when people don't come to me." "Exactly, that's the point – God does exist too but all that stuff you were talking about – that's what happens when people don't go to Him." End of discussion! You get my point? People want to criticise God from a distance but you can't do that. We are talking this week about joy – God's joy and if we want to enjoy our lives we have to enter into that joy. We can't stand at a distance and complain about God and can't say He's not real and criticise Him. If we want to have that joy we have to enter into the joy. I love poetry, always have. There's a beauty and wonder in taking something profound and expressing it in poetry. And the Book of Psalms; Psalm 100, verse 3 says this: Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us and we are His. We are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name for the Lord is good and His love endures for ever. His faithfulness continues through to all generations. God has a heart full; a God sized heart full of joy that He wants to pour into our hearts. That's what we have been looking at on the programme today. Jesus said it over and over again. He said: I have said these things to you so that My joy might be in you and that your joy might be complete. And where we kind of sit back at a distance, either totally scornful of God, as I used to be, or maybe kind of believing in Him at a distance; believing that … well, He's God but never, never really believing that … "He would want to fill me – me – with His joy." Come on, wake up! God's joy – a joy that we can't find anywhere else in this world; a joy that words can't express; a joy unspeakable – is an integral part of His plan for our lives. But we have to walk through the door; we have to enter into that joy, to "enjoy". That's what "enjoy" means, to enter into the joy. We need to ask and thirst and spend time with Him and pray and beat His door down and don't leave Him alone until He does what He said He would do – to give us His joy and so make our joy complete. It's a joy that fills us in the good times and the bad times. Ask, search, knock! Whoever asks receives! Whoever searches finds! Whoever knocks, well, to that person the door will be opened! If we as parents, evil as we are, give our children good gifts, how much more do you think our Father in heaven will give us good gifts when we ask? I have said these things to you so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

Chris and Jeremy are back as promised for Stunt Granny Audio. One of our hosts has a fun personal story about meeting Sabu. Its a fitting and funny story wrapping up a weeks mourning over his loss. They then focus on AW and NXT programming for the week. What do you say about two , […] The post Stunt Granny Audio 1059 – Bash at The Beach, AEW Dynamite, NXT appeared first on Stunt Granny.

...in which we take a stroll – just Mark and Dave – from Seatoller to Sty Head Tarn to announce the end of Countrystride (for now) and reflect on 149 episodes and 6.5 years of the podcast. Under perfect Spring skies, we catch the bus from Keswick to Seatoller, where we cast our minds back to our tech- and expertise-lacking trial run above Seathwaite and share favourite memories of the hours spent in the fells since, with the Pennine Way, Goldscope Mine and Upper Eskdale all featuring among Mark and Dave's 'best in show' lists. Arriving at Styhead Tarn, we settle alongside its sparkling waters to reflect on our lifelong love of the Lakes, before asking a series of fellow walkers about their relationship with the fells. Turning the Countrystride Quickfire Questions on ourselves, we learn that Mark's favourite fell is Blencathra and his Lakeland hero is Hardwicke Rawnsley, while Dave gets passionate about AW and advocates the joy of a pint at YHA Ambleside. After 150 episodes, we are taking a break from Countrystride. We may be back; we may not. Do keep in touch by signing up to our newsletter here (just scroll down the page a little). If you have ideas about how we might make the pod more sustainable (financially or otherwise), drop us a line using our Contact Us form (bottom of the page). All Patreon subscriptions (for which, many thanks), have been paused and will only resume if we resume recordings. For now it's over and out. It's been a pleasure, and we'll see you on the fells.  Mark and Dave

It's time we stop, children... What's that sound?! Only The Umbilical Brothers!!! (Say what?! *faints*)This week, Australia's funniest Microphonic mates join AW and Mr J Wags for some 'Absurd-Ditties' by The Toy Dolls, before proving that they truly are Blood Brothers with the cult British musical!Plus, we chat Filming Furiosa, Spontaneous Comedy, Touring with Robin Williams, Performing in USA Post-9/11, Aussie Sketch Comedy, Their New Show The Distraction (ticket details below), Creating DVD Menus, and heaps more on this EXTRA-noisy episode!--SOCIALS--The Umbilical Brothers: https://www.instagram.com/umbilicalbrothers/The Distraction Tickets: https://www.telecharge.com/The-Umbilical-Brothers-The-Distraction-TicketsMr J Wags: Twitter: https://twitter.com/MrJWags -- Instagram: https://instagram.com/MrJWagsSecond City NYC: https://www.secondcity.com/shows/new-yorkTnT/Bloop Networkhttps://www.thetonastontales.com/listen -- https://www.patreon.com/bloomingtheatricals - https://twitter.com/thrashntreasurehttps://linktr.ee/thrashntreasure*****Help support Thrash 'n Treasure and keep us on-air, PLUS go on a fantastical adventure at the same time!Grab your copy of The Tonaston Tales by AW, and use the code TNT20 when you check out for 20% off eBooks and Paperbacks!https://www.thetonastontales.com/bookstore - TNT20 ***** ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Pavneet Singh is an author and educator who teaches aspirants for the Indian Civil Services Examination. He has deep knowledge of international relations and runs a YouTube channel ‪@SpyGamesPavneet‬ . Pavneet has authored 23 books, such as R&AW in Saudi Arabia, Passport to LBSNAA, Internal Security, and many more.In this episode, Vinamre and Pavneet discuss:- How the Western media twists the narrative by painting India as Israel and Pakistan as Palestine- The real reason behind Pakistan's drone attacks, ceasefire violations, and why it keeps collapsing internally- Trump's unexpected intervention—and America's deeper agenda in an India-Pakistan war- India's covert ops, the BrahMos missile, and what the Navy Chief meant when he said “We're ready to attack Karachi”- Why China can't actually fight a war, and how India should act in the next 3–4 months- The biggest threat to India is not external—but festering right withinFrom Pakistan's drone attacks to China's bluff, BrahMos strikes, ceasefire violations, and America's silent role—this episode breaks down India's real war.Timestamps:00:00 – Coming Up01:30 – The narrative of "India is Israel and Pakistan is Palestine" by Western media03:40 – What is the Frankfurt School?05:50 – Problems of Pakistan12:20 – Reason for Pakistan's ceasefire violations16:39 – Significance of the Noor Khan Airbase hit22:25 – Reason for Trump's intervention25:55 – Purpose of Pakistan's drone attacks28:18 – Significance of the BrahMos missile29:15 – Future of India's arms exports30:20 – “We are ready to attack Karachi” – Navy Chief32:24 – India's plausible deniability operations34:00 – America's agenda in an India-Pakistan war40:50 – The future of India, China, and the USA47:40 – Reality of the Chinese army50:57 – What India can do in the next 3–4 months53:25 – Will India expand its territory?54:40 – Who really runs Pakistan?57:25 – The China-Pakistan relationship59:30 – China's Belt and Road Initiative01:01:34 – Russia's stance against America01:04:15 – Narrative warfare in the future01:06:10 – Turkey's ambitions to lead the Muslim world01:12:32 – The growth of Saudi Arabia and UAE01:18:25 – Why Qatar created Al Jazeera01:22:05 – Consequences of the India-Pakistan conflict01:32:24 – India's biggest internal problem01:39:14 – Conclusion====================================================================This is the official channel for Dostcast, a podcast by Vinamre Kasanaa. Connect with meLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/vinamre-kasanaa-b8524496/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vinamrekasanaa/Twitter: https://twitter.com/VinamreKasanaaDostcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dostcast/Dostcast on Twitter: https://twitter.com/dostcastDostcast on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557567524054====================================================================Contact UsFor business inquiries: dostcast@egiplay.com

Gotta get some weapons work done, a little hibachi, maybe some orange julius. Aw, yeah.Pledge/donate on Patreon: www.patreon.com/thatdndpodcastSend feedback to: ThatDnDPodcast@Gmail.comVisit our website: http://www.thatdndpodcast.comAmazon Link: http://www.amazon.com/?rw_useCurrentProtocol=1&tag=thdnpo07-20

Bible Reading: Psalm 19:7-11As Ryder and Zach set plates and forks on the table for lunch, a dog started barking outside. "There goes Sarge again," said Ryder. "He's always barking.""This bark sounds different than usual," said Mom. "Maybe one of you boys should go check it out.""Aw, Mom, we're busy," said Zach. "Besides, Sarge barks at everything--squirrels, people, cars. You name it, he barks at it." Since Mom didn't insist, no one checked to see why Sarge was barking.When Zach and Ryder went out to ride their bikes later that afternoon, they stopped and stared at the empty garage. "Where are our bikes?" asked Zach. "I don't believe it!" cried Ryder. "They're gone! Who would have the nerve to come into our garage in broad daylight and take our bikes right out from under our noses?""After all the work we did mowing lawns to buy those bikes," said Zach. "Now this!" The boys rushed into the house. "Our new bikes are gone! Someone stole them!" Everyone hurried out to see for themselves.Dad returned to the house to call the police department and report the loss. When he came back outside, he stopped to pet Sarge. "Didn't we hear Sarge barking a couple hours ago?" he asked. "He was trying to warn us, and we didn't listen to him."That evening Dad read aloud from Psalm 19. "Warnings are important," he said after he finished reading. "Today Mom warned you boys not to ignore Sarge's barking, but you did. Sarge was warning us about the bikes getting stolen, but we didn't listen. In this psalm, we see that God speaks through His Word not only to teach us about who He is and how much He loves us, but also to warn us about sin." "You mean how sin separates us from God, and only Jesus can free us from sin and give us eternal life?" asked Zach. Dad nodded. "Yes, the Bible definitely warns us about sin in that way. But it also warns those who already trust in Jesus about the consequences of sin and how disobeying God can create huge messes in our lives. Let's be sure to listen, knowing that Jesus will always forgive our wrongs and help us obey Him." –Evelyn J. Behrens How About You?Do you take warnings seriously? God warns Christians about the dangers of sin in the Bible. Listen to Him and obey His commands. Is God warning you about something today? If you think He is, pray and ask God to help you know what action to take, and get advice from an adult you trust. God's warnings are one of the ways He helps you and guides you through life.Today's Key Verse:His teachings warn his servants, and good things come to those who obey them. (ERV) (Psalm 19:11)Today's Key Thought:Pay attention to God's warnings

On episode 285 of The AwardsWatch Podcast, Executive Editor Ryan McQuade is joined by Editor-In-Chief Erik Anderson and AwardsWatch contributors Karen Peterson and Mark Johnson to preview the films coming during the 2025 Summer. Summer movie season is upon us. As Sinners and A Minecraft Movie dominate the Spring box office, we're heading into the time of the year where everyone is going on vacation, out of school, and looking to cool off from the heat by going to see some of the biggest films of the year. The AW team opts out of a Summer Movie Draft this year, and instead, breaks down the titles coming out over the course of the next four months, with extensive conversations over their box office potential as well as the groups anticipation for the live action Lilo and Stitch, Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, Jurassic World Rebirth, the live action How to Train Your Dragon, Superman, The Fantastic Four: First Steps, F1, Pixar's Elio, Thunderbolts, Weapons, Materialists, M3GAN 2.0, The Naked Gun, and more. Stay tuned to the end to hear what they think will be the Top 3 highest-grossing films of the summer. You can listen to The AwardsWatch Podcast wherever you stream podcasts, from iTunes, iHeartRadio, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Spotify, Audible, Amazon Music, YouTube and more. This podcast runs 1h45m. We will be back in next week for a review of the latest film from Marvel, Thunderbolts. Till then, let's get into it. Music: “Modern Fashion” from AShamaleuvmusic (intro), “B-3” from BoxCat Games Nameless: The Hackers RPG Soundtrack (outro).

Cast off the shackles of yesterday, because we're shoulder-to-shoulder with Anthony Drewe! (Say what?! *faints*) This week, the legendary lyricist of Mary Poppins the Musical joins AW for a spoonful of Green Jelly with a 'Cereal Killer Soundtrack', before celebrating the 40th anniversary of Drewe and Stiles winning the Vivian Ellis Prize with their charming musical 'Just So'. Plus we chat Star Quality, Casting "cold, hard" Mary Poppins, Working with Steven Spielberg, Honk! beating The Lion King to the Olivier, Ants details his recent horrific accident, and AW tries not to lose his Temper, Temper over deleted Poppins bops. As well as a special bonus cameo appearance from George Stiles with this week's sneak peek of 'Talk Musicals to Me' in this practically perfect episode!--SOCIALS--Anthony: https://www.instagram.com/antsdrewe/TnT/Bloop Network - Thrash 'n Treasure, Around the World in 80 Plays, And The EGOT Goes To..., Talk Musicals to Me, and MORE!https://www.thetonastontales.com/listen -- https://www.patreon.com/bloomingtheatricals - https://twitter.com/thrashntreasurehttps://linktr.ee/thrashntreasure*****Help support Thrash 'n Treasure, and keep us on-air, PLUS go on a fantastical adventure at the same time!Grab your copy of The Tonaston Tales by AW, and use the code TNT20 when you check out for 20% off eBooks and Paperbacks!https://www.thetonastontales.com/bookstore - TNT20 ***** ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Aw shucks it's time for you to open your ears for another episode.  We oil got together for this pretty corny one.  It's not too starchy, we are still ramping up for a big one for the next episode but Uel provides a mini kvetch about their new Masa-tif Boxer mix and their new Chihuahua, Sidney has a mini kvetch about cooking videos that make pan sauces without a grain of fond, and Sean delivers a Welp that is absolutely sweet as silk. Sidney cropped out the chaff and cob-bled it all together to give you a meal of an episode in perfect hominy that's 50% sweeter than sugar.

{Hot Little Number} All right. Ah…, you know what? I don't feel like making a mix tape . My mix tapes have been lackluster lately. What up? I'm recording daily for the show right now. I don't have a plan or anything like that. I'm just, uh, what am I doing? Oh. I am, uh, I have to take some time. *weird surfer laugh* between right now and the next song on this album and whatever else I'm doing. I'm also, um I'm like weird. I'm I'm reclaiming my time. Um, my sleep schedule is changing again. I think I'm just like a rolling… I'm like a I'm like the floater. Hello, what's going on? I don't think I've opened with hello for a while, but it's been random. It's been touch and go. I had a little voice today that was like ”do not leave your house.” And I was like, “first of all, I don't have a house. This is an apartment building.” But then I was like, well, I was waiting on this Amazon package God bless Amazon or, you know, one ever bless it. Just bless it, bless the thing, cause you never know what's gonna happen. You know, though they happen monopoly on all the needs. why would I buy this for six dollars if I could get it for two? it's it is the necessary evil right? I—Yeah. Everything's a necessary evil. I just figured it out, like this body is a necessary evil. Like I wouldn't even be existing in this way if I didn't have to. And then when I don't have to, I get to be free again. you know? Anyway, what the fuck was I just saying? or not saying, not saying for the most part. I don't have much to say, I'm not I'm really excited, I'm glad about how that last tract turned out, but it's not uh it's not finished. What what is finished? Oh, I had those two singles cleared, so hot little numbers is out today, but you won't hear this today. I can't I have no guarantees no guarantees about when you will hear this. I'm not sure anyway, I had a little voice in my head that was like do not leave your house and I was like, “I don't this is not a house.” And I was waiting on an Amazon package and Amazon the app does this weird thing where it's like, it'll be like the driver is this many stops away. this many stops away and it'll go from like three stops away to deliver it sometimes. So I was like refreshing and refreshing the page, like had nothing else to do. No, I just have to this is one of those times every few weeks where I have to not work out vigorously, and I had like a good run yesterday, but I think I overdid it after a period of stagnancy where I just didn't run that much at all. I didn't run that much at all. And then I ran like a lot and I was liking it so much because I was getting to go high speed, but if I'm out in my neighborhood every day running like that, like things get weird and shifty, so I don't I don't get the luxury of doing that all the time. cause my neighborhood is kind of just like a weird, bad shit, crazy place. I don't even think it really exists, like on the actual like, I think it's on grid off grid. Like I—I swear to God, there's things that move around that like should not, like things that are there and then are not, and then things that like it's just, you know, whatever. What is this episode for? I don't know if I can talk for an hour. I can't say, my energy's a little bit different, a little bit fucked up. Why was I not supposed to leave? I didn't give a fuck. I already did now we're on the Peloton, which is why I'm doing the subside right now. Well, I found a podcast that I might be interested in. I'm not sure. It takes it takes a lot. Like I realized that when I do this podcast, I'm giving myself energy. I don't know how but it gives me energy to to listen back to something that it feels like. I've never heard it before. Because I'm kind of an automatic out—out my body when I'm making these episodes and so it's not. It's like it's like hearing something new. Also, my my grown up voice doesn't sound like me to me. So I'm like, ah, like it's still new every time. hundrers of episodes later, it's new every time. For an hour at a time, and I'm really enjoying my Peloton. So would that being said, what do I have any honorable mentions? No, None. There's none at all. I am technically behind schedule well, actually, I mean like I'm catching up, you know, is this just on random? That's gonna bug me. where'd I put the remote. I liked the pattern that was on one of these lights in my studio, and so I thought it was gonna stay there, but it's alternating. I wonder if I can find that one thing that has started on again. Ooh, that's cool. Is it gonna stay there, though? That's dope. I'll just leave that like that— anyway. I'm going back to being a night person cause that's where the things are calm. That's where things are calm, but I'm also coming out of my like weird antisocial space cause of voice in my head was like, though, don't go out of your house. I was like, this is not a house. If it was, I probably wouldn't, but it's not, so I have to go do things in order to make sure that one day I have a house that I can choose to or not to leave. So. I was like, “yeah, I'll do that. I'll go wait for the Amazon guy.” “ I'll go wait for the Amazon guy and jus, like, creep. And so I did that. I went to go creep for the Amazon guy, and it was like, well, it's still three stops away and I was like, this is making me nervous cause it said three stops for like a good 30 minutes. I was like, ‘that's a long three stops.' So, I was like, just sitting in the lobby and I couldn't stand it. Like, I couldn't stand just standing there. So I turned around, I checked my mail, and it was like the same three articles that have been in there for like a month. I just leave them in there. I'm like, ‘these are of no importance really.' So I just leave whatever's in there in there. And I check my mail and I was like, ‘I can't just stand here like this!' and so I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go to the gym for like five seconds because you know, it wasn't worth it and I knew there would be other people there because it's during the day. and there was, and I don't know, I guess I'm I guess I'm uh I guess I'm — I'm better now. As long as I don't have to have that experience all the time, cause I did go straight in there and then a dirp derp followed me in there and I was like, well, that kind of proves my point. So I left the downstairs and I went to the upstairs and there was this this girl just okay, advice: Like if you're ugly, don't be mean. I don't know if she was ugly cause she was mean, or if she was mean cause she was ugly. I don't know, but if you're ugly don't be mean, it makes it worse. That's just advice coming from somebody that's been ugly my whole life! So I'm not mean to people because you can't, like, you can't be ugly and mean. That's extra bad, bro, like, pick one thing and stick with it, but don't be mean and ugly. look, if you're ugly be really nice do that do that anyway, this girl: I don't know why the fuck people mean mug me. Like it's their business. I'm like, 'is this your job?‘ What is wrong?! What is wrong!? I don't know, because I went frumpy as fuck. It's not like I'm dressed. I went in a shirt that I found. I literally found this on a jog. It was brand new, though, and I keep wondering what the where the fuck it came from because I was like bro, if I was going to make T-shirts it would be like this. And it like it looked like it came hot off the press, like somebody screenrinted it for me. It's the coolest shirt. It's the coolest shirt and it brand new, and it was like brand new when I picked it up and saw it was like cool. But I went in like these they were marketed as fucking like you get what you pay for it. They were marketed as high impact sports bas, but then I put it on and it was pretty much like mesh with no support at all. Like I can't even run in them! I can't run in them, but I'm not running because I'm waiting for this injury to fucking all the swelling to go down or whatever. So I was on the Peloton, but I took it easy or whatever. and then I was like, 'well, my shoulders have been bothering me.' I'm trying not to take more than one bath a day. I do take a lot of baths, but it's cause I don't have a sauna anymore! That's why I'm like, oh man, my body got so used to like that extra pushing everything out and then like now if I don't, like my muscle just get all sore and whatever. I've thought about trying like creatine. I don't know, I'm just such a meathead when I when it comes down to it and I'm like bro, if I really get into training or like gym rattiness, like I —I go like probably to half. So my so I haven't been like lifting or anything like that, just cardio and um and I've been eating rice, so I'm I'm thick, you know, like i'm frumpy as fuck, just waiting for this Amazon order to come, and so I go into like the bottom level of the gym because I saw two people at the top and I was like, ‘oh, I'm gonna give you your space or whatever.' And so I went to the bottom, and I did a couple lifts or whatever, but then a derp-derp came in and she was on the phone like “blah, blah, blah, blah,” and I was like, ‘see. that just fucking proved my point.'and so I fucking went upstairs. I was like no matter what, like these fucking derp-derps. And so I was like, okay. And so I went back upstairs where, like the girl and I guess that was her man. I don't know. I guess maybe that's why she was looking at me. like that. I'm not looking at him! I'm looking at you scowling at me. Don't do that! Anyway. Fucking OH—I met the boyfriend of the other girl. I didn't know that was her boyfriend. Now I know why she was scowling at me. Stop scowling, like your face is gonna get stuck like that! I guarantee you and it's already not a good looking face. I'm only noticing this because you're scowling at me with it. Don't do that like I'm getting to the age where I'm careful like I smile when I want to frown like I have this natural, like a droopy dog, like a cartoon droopy dog face when something really hits me a certain way, my face will just automatically and, like — people only— — it like —I only know about it because people call attention to it like something would happen I'd make that face and they'd be like, what is that face? And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about until one day I guess I like noticed the muscular change in my face and I was like, oh, that face and so now I'm aware of it, but it's not something that I do on purpose. It's something that I do as a reaction to something, but now I'm getting to the age where I'm like, yo, if I keep making this face, there's gonna be lines in this area. Like there's gonna be lines in this area where there where there's going to be lines anyway, eventually, but I can prevent the like I can like if you smile more, you get smile lines when you get older, and if you frown, like that, then you get that face and I'm not trying to look like somebody's fucking dog, you know, like a fucking like, you know, like a cute dog, like a chow chow or like, what are those things? I don't know, I don't I don't know, I don't know. Anyway, how the fuck is like, oh, don't scowl! And I was like, I don't know if that's just your aura or your face, but now that you're looking at me like that, like, bro, don't don't do that. Don't be ugly and mean. Like you can either be mean, like most pretty people are mean, but then it's like, oh, I see why. I see why you're mean like that. Beautiful women are like usually. I'm like, ”you—scowl, I guess, but I mean like, it doesn't necessarily make anything worse if you're like a certain…” I don't scowl. I know I'm ugly. I don't go around like American people with my face I'm like don't do that. Don't do that, bro. Otherwise, good looking girl, otherwise otherwise, anyway, I don't know, I guess it's just uh, I've been here too long, dealing with this. Don't scowl, bro! I hate that! And then it's like, oh, I'm only looking at what you're I guess wanting me not to look at because you're looking at me like that and then I'm like, oh, I hate to see a good looking guy with like an ugly girl and then I'm like, 'bro like that's a waste. That's just a whole waste. This whole thing is a waste and you shifted my mind into thinking that way! now I'm mean!” passing on negativeives and shit ugly don't be ugly anyway what the fuck what? was that the story? Well, I mean, like I was just lifting for five seconds. I was only waiting on an Amazon package. I'd like to think that when somebody fucking presses their elevator button with their middle fing that they are flipping you off, but I was like, what did I do to you? Nothing, anyway. When do I have to say for the next fucking 20 minutes? That makes me seem like a shitty person, but I'm not that. I'm not that shitty. I finally did watch I finally did watch Bob the Drag Queen's opening monologue for the Queerlie's. That's what they're called. It's like on my it's on my to do list to be invited to a place like this. This is where I want to go and I'm like I'm not I I want well, I mean like I'm straight. I'm straight. Well, I'd like to think of my I'm like a gay man. I'm gay like a man for men. I'm like a gay man. I don't know how to I'm gay for men. And yeah. I guess I'm kind of queer. I don't know. I don't think so. Because when I think about aquer means like you can go both ways, I'm not going no way but one at this point. I'm strictly dickly. Super duper straight. I like dudes. I like gay dudes. That's a problem. That's like a like an ongoing problem. If I like a guy, I'm like, ”oh, man, he's probably gay.” He is he's gay, you know? It's it's okay. But you whatever, I just like dudes. I like all dudes. No, I don't like all dudes. I like all men. There's a fucking hard line between dudes, guys, men, boys don't like boys. Definitely like I don't even like college students anymore like even graduate students, I'm like oh, who are you? What do you baby? Oh, they're cute, like football players, professional athletes, children. They're children. They're adonises, sure, statuesque, perhaps genetically gifted, absolutely am I attracted? No. no, That's a kid. That's what I see. I'm old I'm old, that's okay. I like it. I'm starting to get like excited for Amazon packages that are not—I'm like, I'm opening my Amazon package like I waited all day for this. There's nothing in here.' regular household items, like true facts, facts. ah, but you know what? I paid a pretty price for this protein. It'd better be the best protein (it's not the best.) It's probably maybe the second best. Becahse the best that I've ever tried. I'm not behind the $80 per80 for 15 servings. That's too much. I haven't even actually done the fucking math on that, but that's too many. That's what that is. That's what that is. Like for protein? Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? beef? Nah, I was talking about being meaty, but not in the way that you would think. And then I was talking about the Queerly's, so I guess we're back on meat, kind of. kind of. I don't know. what was it what was my point about that? Oh, I just I like gay culture, like not as like a, you know, I like it. I love it. I wanna go to the queeries. I wanna vogue. I still can't I can't bring myself to go to a vogue club in New York because I'm just like, bro, oh, that's what it was. I mean but not like drag queen mean. No. ans then I was thinking about I was thinking about Joan Rivers RIP and I was like is technically like like if she ex if a certain if a person like her existed now, would she be canceled? Like, because she was not nice. She was honest. Whixh is not necessarily always like a nice thing. So I mean like I don't I don't think I'm mean, especially when Bob the drag Queen reminded me that, like, yo, Gays are super fierce to each other, like to the point where it's like, oh, that's mean. Like, I forget that people actually like openly what's it called. Is it called roasting, like on all fronts? I don't know. I don't forget that, but, you know, it's when was the last good roast, though? Not for a long time. A lot of red tape, a lot of things you can't say. I think that's the theme that, you know, the cancellation of like the entire human race, has just changed media. It just changed theater, like, “Ohp, you can't say that!” Like, I'm I'm gonna say that. Maybe. I don't know, my whole my whole thing changes when I see other people. I'm like, oh, this could turn into like one of those fucking like this could be a stampede real quick. The herd mentality is thick and this motherfucker. If too many people all agree that I'm the enemy, this is bad for me. is bad. I'mma just stay— I'mma to just stay neutral. No honorableensions, nothing. I'm still I'm just in the midst. I'm in the thick of it, putting my things and my stuff together. I realized I'm really glad about a lot of things. Pretty glad about things. Um Also, um kind of a tortured soul. I'm not miserable, though. And I'm really good at not spreading my misery. That shit is like contagious as fuck. It's gross. Like, I'd rather be sneezed on than have some people's like form of depression or mental illness. I like, yo, you keep that to yourself. But in a lot of ways, those things are way more fucking spreadable, way more spreadable than just like like I can get over the flu, whatever your daddy did to you. I don't know. Anyway, no daddy jokes, that's also I can I'm like, uh, okay, what can you say? What can't you say? Because I'm about to take this thing to the next level. What is the next level? What is the next level Of which part? I'm in a lot of different I'm in like a lot of different, like, high stakes games. A lot of them. And so I'm like, “okay, what's the next comedy level? not falling on my face every time? It's probably a good place to start. It's probably a good place to start. We'll start there. I don't know when. Probably. I'm probably going to use comedy to Tears or a Clown because I'm really liking how it's turning out so far, and so far, don't have a song on there under five minutes. Is it under five minutes? I don't know. It's long. They're all long, but it's a concept album, so it's it's it's meant to be listened to more like a film or more like a, you know, like a play or like a musical, you know, because I'm weird like that. I don't I don't ever want to do anything normal or popular yet unless somebody offers me a house, like— a real house where no doors will be slammed. NO DOORS WILL BE SLAMMED! What, am I gonna slam the door for myself? I'm mad— at myself. No, take your shoes off, quiet. Unless you're landing on the hellipad. Does my house have a helipad? No. No, I feel like unauthorized helicopters would land on it. I feel like they would. if you build it, they will come. I'm like ooh. It's very like few it's like, “who the fuck is in the helicopter?!” I don't know. Well, I mean, like there's a couple different ones now anyway, it's not I'm not telling that joke. It's awkward, but then then I don't know. I had for some reason, I guess maybe that was the reason. I left out one card from the uh the Truth or Dab game that I ended up with, the Hot Ones game that I have no friends to play with. I still have the fucking sauce in my fridge from the game. Like I don't think you have to refrigerate it, but I refrigerated it anyway because I'm like, ‘it's hot sauce. ' Like, it should be perishable, but then I guess anything with a certain amount of vinegar is just preserved it preserved, you know? Damn, what the fuck am I about to say for an hour? I have no idea. I'm really nervous. I'm giving this entire album away for free. Stupid. Well, what the fuck? If nobody's going to buy it, might as well just like, you know, get it out there and get it to the next thing. I don't I don't have much else to say. What am I reading? Oh, I finally found my copy of the Odyssey Sure did. I think I have two copies of it, though. I think I have like a paperback version. Apparently the last time somebody opened it was 1981. Ans so I fucking I opened it and the whole the whole coverage just fell off, but I was getting my kicks. I really like…that book. I like that one. What else am I reading? Other things? I decided to finally. I decided to finally try to go through all the books I checked out of the library, like over a year ago so that I can take them back, but again, these things keep being relevant, like I just use them for reference. I'm really bad at libraries . I'm terrible at them. Like we could say historically, but I don't know, I haven't had like an enough adult experience with libraries to no, I'm like on record. It's I'm really bad at libraries. Yeah. like, really bad. Like, sometimes I've lost books on my way to take them back to the library. Isn't that ironic? Anyway, what the fuck is going on now? I don't know . The street Fighter's edition of “we don't give a fuck.” I'm guessing. I heard like a a like audible car accident and then like more yelling and it made me worry that somebody might be hurt because at first I was laughing. It was like and not like I heard the plastic crunch and, like, the fiberglass and I was like,” oh boy, ha ha.” And then like somebody was like yelling from the street and I didn't know if it was in relation to that because there's always crackhead down there. and there's always somebody doing some fuck shit right—there, and I'm like, ‘okay, all right, well, hopefully nobody got hurt. unless they were one of the people sitting under the window, like waiting to rev their engine. Then I'm like, “that's on you. I told you I'm not the one that deals karma at something else.” I don't know. I think it was just two vehicles, like not doing well together. New York drivers are not great, though. They have a very very little patience. Like, all you have to do is slow down a little and somebody's like,aby,ep,ep, beep, beep. I'm like, “Yo, dude like calm the fuck down. Calm the fuck down. Like that's not helping anything. It's not helping anything.” I think people need to work out more, maybe because I had already done my hour on the Peloton and whatever those vibes were were just like they were like shwing, like bouncing off me. I only did a couple lifts. I don't know why you gotta scowl. I guess I'm a little upset, cause I'm just I'm like a nice person. That's why I'm upset because I'm like, oh, like how do you do? I went frumpy. It's not like I'm like bending over in front of your man. It's like, 'hello, how y'all doing?' Like, I'm not doing that. All I'm doing is lifting. And then I fucking left because my fucking Amazon order was like, okay, it's delivered. And it said it was delivered early. So I could have gotten a couple more lifts in, but I didn't. I did not get those last few lifts in. So waiting because it was like, ‘yo, your package is in the mail room' and I was like, 'okay, cool.' So I went over back to the mail room and there was nothing there. and I was like , fuck this. Like, now I'm like sweating bullets. I'm like, 'oh my God. like, what if whoever stole my pancakes also stole this Amazon hall' — and like, Amazon keeps track of shit like that. so like I've had packages stolen before and they knew that by my credit card number they were like, ‘ yo like haven't you had this issue before?' I was like “yeah, but like that's why I told the Amazon driver to come to the door,” but the Amazon driver is like, ”no I'm fucking late or whatever, I'm not gonna do that!” Sometimes they do. It really just depends on what the fuck is going on. Sometimes I leave it at the fucking wear wherever I'm gonna leave it outside if I can. I'm like damn god damn. Like when when I was in the workforce workforce— cause trust me, like what I'm doing right now sometimes feels like slave wages. I'm like bro, did I really do this for two years and get $15 dollars? That doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. No, that doesn't mean that doesn't that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. It doesn't, right? does it? That's not a lot. No, it's not. I also don't have “billions of streams”. This saddens me. Oh, I got the lights to match. That's good. I didn't think they were gonna match. Anyway, what the fuck was I saying? I've been in —fucking— “billions of streams”. You need ten million for a hit. I get like I get giddy when I hit 200 streams for a song. I'm like, ‘wow. they really liked it.' and it makes me wonder how the fuck did I even get those? Tame Impala, according to YouTube. According to YouTube, people who like Tame Impala will , like, sit on my music a little bit longer than people just random coming in from any of my other places, but I haven't checked on my analytics in a while because… I wasn't dropping music eguch making me sad to watch my numbers just plummet and makes me sad anyway, and now I'm gonna know about the numbers. I'm like, ‘well, whatever' Here's chairs of clown comes out. I picked the date, but I'm not saying shit about it, cause I can still change my mind. I could still change my mind. I still might, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. We'll see how it goes with the next few tracks. It's almost finished. It's really oh— Uptown A has a new single. Oh. not not out yet. It will be by the time you hear this though. It's called what's it called? Suede. It's really good. I listened to it and I was like, 'I really like this song‘ which, like I said, it happens about one every ten songs. I'm like, ‘I really like this. I really like this.' Like technically those are the only songs that should be out are the songs that I listen to and I'm like I should I like this, but I don't I don't sit on my work long enough to do that anymore. I just don't because also I'll bury shit and forget that I even fucking made it. And then, it'll— and then I'll be like, “oh, it'll give me anxiety that I have it and I haven't done anything with it. And I have an attachment to most of my songs. Like, I won't just sell my beats, my beats are not cheap, though. Like, I almost was on beatstars—this website for be selling, but there was a couple things that made me not do it mostly, I guess they're trying to, I guess what they're trying to do is like sell their brand or whatever. So everybody that's already on the site was talking about how there's no—like, it's it's really hard to get circulated as an artist. Like you'll have beats on there for months and years at a time without selling any beats. And you have to be like, really aggressive about, um, like you like my it would like I'm already being really aggressive about my actual songs, so like to be that aggressive about my beats would not be like it would be like two different things. It felt like two different paths, so I didn't do it. But what was I just saying about that? Oh, my beats are not cheap. Like, I'm not gonna do 20 for 20. It would literally have to take me less than five minutes for me to sell beat that cheap. Like I would have to throw it together with like no technique whatsoever, just a bunch of loops, and then I'd be like, here's some which is what I was planning to do with some drill beats, because I know that they're just like drill beats are cheap, like period, because they don't I don't think they matter so much as long as it's got the bass and then, like, whatever that little dude is saying. It's always a little dude. It's always a little dude. It's likeah, ‘yeah. I uh,' I don't know, I love artists. I I'm starting to feel less like an artist, though, and more like a producer, or like, you know, like a creator of sorts. I'm borrowing, though. I'm not going to I'm not going to lie. Because, hell, man, he's such a dick sometimes. I was like, bro. be like something some artist, something, something, and Gee was like, “I'm not an artist, I'm a creator!” But that's I guess since it's so easy for anybody to just say like “I'm an artist” now, I don't know, I feel like that's the whole point of like the human experience is like, everybody has an art like, you know, it's just the thing that makes it difficult is that adding value to it has no, there's no right and there's no wrong and there's no good and there's there's bad. There's bad. There's a lot of art in the world that's just bad. It's not good, but like to the person that made it, like that's their shit. So like in that way their technically is no bad because to that at least one person in the world, the person who made it, it's good. So when it comes to art, there's technically no right and wrong. I'm not going to say there's no good and bad, because I like I said, I collect bad music. Like if it's if it's notoriously bad, I'll be like, yeah. like it's probably easier to get my attention if your music is bad, than if it's good. If it's good, I'm almost intimidated like as an artist. Like, I'll be like, oh, this is too good. It's probably gonna make myself esteem not great. if I spend too much time with it. That's true. I don't listen to really good artists anymore, because I'm like, oh, man. Like, I'll just sit there and shit on myself and be like, why, am I not at this level? And even when it comes down to it and it's like all about business and all about like, you know, your connections or like, you're you know, like it's about who you know. And like, look, sometimes it's about talent, but like less of the time than it should be. Like, sometimes it's just like, who your parents are and all this shit. So it's like, I shouldn't feel that way, but I had a lot of the time I can't help it. Like, I'll be sitting and listening to an artist that's like, you know, ”billions of streams!”. and I'm like, “fuck this.” I'm like, ‘I don't wanna hear this. cause I'm not there.' It's like, is, it if I have any kind of envy or jealousy in me, it's probably that. But then when it comes down to it's like, you gotta take the good with the bad. It's not all fucking pancakes, it is all pancakes. Most of this actually. whatever I cut. I'm looking forward to this smoothie. This would better be the best protein I ever had in my life for the price that I paid for, this is better be the fucking best smoothie I've ever had. Uh, we'll see. This is about to be smoothies and miso time. I'm trying to lose 50 pounds. i don't know what realm that is, but I think. I'm pretty sure that would require, like losing muscle, which is fine. I'm— I might be too strong. I went to the gym. I didn't need to. That dude, I swear to God he flipped me off. ‘Cause here's what happened, is, like, the Amazon package said it was delivered. I was like ”cool. all right.” So I left the gym. I was like, ‘bye.' I was like, ‘see ya.' And I, well, I was lifting. Did I make him feel like a bitch? Is that what it was? Because—because I was lifting and I was just whatever light work because I'm actually in a lot of pain. Like, I told myself that I was I was going to buy myself a gift because nobody buys me gifts on the one day that you should everybody should get a gift on this one day and nobody buys me gifts on this day. So I was like, ‘I'm going to buy myself a gift.‘ But as soon as I put money like, aside for that, I had this injury and I immediately just took money out of that fund for fucking ibuprofen and I was like, hey. Another year. Like that's that's my gift. I was like, So so I'm in a lot of pain, so I'm not doing it like regular I'm in my harem pants and I'm in pain. So I'm like not doing anything special. And I'm doing this, and this dude. I think I made him feel like a bitch. That's what that was, cause like, I don't know what they were doing, some YouTube thing where they were like flapping their arms around, like dinkus, DINKUS., that's what you look like. You look like a dinkus, anyway. I'm not paying attention to I'm not giving people negative attention until they're doing weird shit around me. Then I'm like, now I'm looking at you because you're mean mugging me. Don't do that. I don't with your face, dear, I don't recommend that. Don't don't scrunch up your face like that. No. Anyway, mm. aren't all people beautiful? No, not if you live in New York long enough. Eventually, everybody just scoe at each other to death. That's the whole place. I'm like, where are the happy people at? Fucking on a plane! I think for rich people, the quality of life here is different. I think that the luxury of living in New York is that they're like, ”I live in New York”, but they do that like, around the globe. That's what they do. They're like, yeah, I live in New York, but like they're hardly ever in New York. Or there's just a bunch in New York that I haven't seen while I've seen it when the sun hits it just right, it glistens. I'm like, ‘oh. that's a different place.' No, it's an optical illusion. Oh, it doesn't exist. I'm like, “okay, all right.” Try to find that shiny ass, what is that golden —[thingy] anyway? I'm like, “nah, no, it's a trap, “ because if you actually get to Manhattan on the street level, it's just like you can't see the buildings. Like you just at the bottom and you just shadows, even on the sunny days, just like you're in the cold shadows. That's what that place is. I haven't been over there in so long. Never in Manhattan. That place is scary. It's like a supercomputer. But— I guess performance wise in comparison to other like, major cities in the world is not great. I feel like it's pretty great. I feel like it's pretty great. But, you know, I haven't seen Tokyo or where where else was on that list? I don't know, I skipped around a lot. My ADD is unchecked. up. Anyway, I'm kind of annoying, I's okay. Somebody's gonna like it. Somebody, there's somebody for everybody. You see? I don't know why that pissed me off, because that's the second time I got a scowled at in the elevator by an ugly girl. I'm like, why the fuck are you ugly? Oh, cause you're scowling at me. I didn't even see that until you darted me those fucking little eyes. and then I was like “ugh. rude!” I like, I think it's the vibe. I think that's what that is. Cause like, I also notice when people smile at me and I'm like, ”oh, what a beautiful person,” or if somebody's just like resting, not even resting resting bitch face, just like resting face. Like if there's actually muscles in your body that are working towards being angry at me, I notice. I'm like, ”oh, yo, don't do that.” I don't know why that bothered me so much. Then her dude fucking leans over to fucking press the elevator button and he does it with his middle finger. Like, I like to think if it's like if the button and the finger are like like adjacent to your face, like, eye level and here comes the middle finger. You like, that dude was flipping me off, but I'm like, I don't know, I don't know why you would do that. I think I made him feel like a bitch in front of his mean girl. Why—why are you if you're in a couple, why is anybody in this situation mad? Like if you're in a loving, happy, like a healthy relationship, like you shouldn't even see the rest of the world around you, honestly. If you're two people in love, you don't notice like you don't see shit like that. Like the whole world just caves. like it just falls around like you don't notice when you're all fucking in love and all giggly and everything. She's like 'ha ha like, yes, we are together and nothing else really exists. ‘ Like that's I don't know why the fuck you guys are both mean mugging, like that seems like some self reflective. I don't know what the fuck you mad at. I just that a couple lifts. He like starts doing pushups I was like,get it. get it!” Because, I'm encouraging like that, but I'm not looking at him because honestly, eh. like. Like, she don't jump for much these days. Like, she really knows when she likes something, my dragon, or whatever. Like she really knows. She's like, ”yeah, yeah.” But for the most part, like, I don't know, I can tell in like a person's aura or like a vibe, like, if they have something for me, something for me, you know, like if something is— she's gonna notice, she's gonna like, oh, hey, but nothing here. So I don't know why I have the fuck you're looking at me like that, cause the way you're looking at me is pissing me off, and that's how contagious— that's how contagious negative energy could be. Luckily, I was already on the Peloton for an hour. I just finished a song that made me laugh a lot. It made me laugh a lot, and in the moment in the moment, what's fucked up is everybody was heckling this guy, but I think he might have actually been like a professional or he was just some crackhead. I don't think so. First of all, he got the most laughs. I'm listening back to this recording and I'm like, “yo, everybody's—” he made me laugh. I heard myself laugh on this recording. And then as I'm making this song, the number of different laughs from around the room that I'd like that were beautiful to me because I love the sound of laughter… So the difference this I'll— I'll talk more in depth about this album as it's finished and as it's coming out in the next few days. um I still have ‘All The Rage' to come out before that. What day is it coming out? The 10th? Yeah, the 10th. All The Rage is coming out on the 10th, but it has a single coming out on the the All The Rage has a single coming out on April 7th called Sweet Dreams, and then it'll be out three days later. It's pretty much like a hype up single. There's two singles out from that. Yeah, Hot Little Number is also on All The Rage. So Hot Little Number is coming out in the next couple days, because they just felt like there should be at least like one release in March. I did some releases in early March, but not much. Um, and then oh, the single for yeah, I'm only taking one single off of that, because they're so massive. All the songs on Tears of a Clown are like six, five, six, seven minutes. It's it's a true concept album. It's true to itself, and so that's it's cool because it's kind of like pushing me into the next batch of things and working on a I don't know if it's a remix or if it's just like a a dubstep song with heavy sampling cause I'm getting into more dub stuff. butit's crazy cause I got mad at myself because I was like, “oh, I really wanted to fucking I really wanted to finish this.” I don't wanna jinx it so I don't wanna talk about what it is. But I'll talk about it when it does get done. And now I'm understanding that like it's just being major focusshifted. Like, because I cared so much about it that I didn't want to just do it and then be like, that's it. Like, that's it. And it was gonna go on Tears of a Clown but then I was like, I can't because it samples a song that was actually I think it was like a fucking I think it was a hit-ish a TikTok. is it really a hit which it's just on TikTok? I think so, because of the audience on that TikTok has. I refuse. I refuse. I downloaded TikTok once during the pandemic and two things made me never ever go on TikTok again is that it only showed me what appeared to be underage girls doing things that I would slap the shit out of anybody I saw doing like you could be a grown ass woman if you did any of those things. I would hit you like, I—well—no. I'm learning about this. I'm like, ‘oh.' I'm learning about people who make you want to hit them, but you can't. That's things like that's as I think it's a coming of age. I've never had this experience before where it's like, oh, like, you're doing everything in the world to make me want to hurt you. but I can't. Like I have to exercise restraint. That's a fucked up feeling. It's like being penned down. I'm like, oh, like like that's like you can't like you can't do anything about it. You can't do anything about it. What are you gonna do about it?? I don't know, boss up. That's the only thing I can do. I'm like, well, that's that, but oh, it makes me wonder, what makes me kind of understand to a certain extent, like, bro, like, is this what it's like to have a girlfriend? She's gonna make me mad. She's gonna well, I'm I'm not that kind of guy. And I swear to that I'm not. I swear I'd probably be that kind of lesbian, though. like bitch, I will hit you. We are the same gender. like, we could duke it out. We could dupe this out! I'm kidding. I'm not violet. I swear to God, I'm not. But sometimes like I guess it's an episode about about energy, negative energy. It's like I work out enough that like it should just roll off today this. But it wasn't like violent. It was just like, “ooh. girl. You better stop flapping those arms and get you a Peloton. I don't know what the fuck you're looking at me like that for!” I swear, because the anger the anger set into my body.'s like, bro, I just don't like looking at shit that don't look good. I'm an aesthetic person, so like, that's why I don't jog in my neighborhood, cause for the most part, like, I'm gonna take in too much negative, like the negative is gonna outweigh the positive. Like, I can run in circles around whatever my radius around this bitch. but if I see too much trash on the ground, it just depresses me. Like it just makes me upset. and so it like undoes the good that I'm doing by running unless I'm sprinting, but I can't do too much of that. I can't do too much of that. I sprinted almost two miles yesterday I almost top speed, and then those my motorcycle stalkers started stalking me, and so I st like I—I like ran out of steam. I was like, you know I was like, I was like, ugh. There they are. Like, that's weird. How can something like that happen? Anyway. I was like, nah, I'm just gonna fucking jog the rest of this little the rest of this the this last mile or whatever. I'm just gonna jog it, but I sprinted most of that, but then when I got back, I was like, why the fuck am I out of energy? Bitch, because you hit like 11 miles at least. I'm pretty sure what my top speed is like between 11 and 12. if I just spread it, but then that's slow. In comparison to some. That's what I'm saying. pretty sure I wrote like a rhyme recently. I'm I'm not writing so much as organizing, try to anyway. I'm doing a lot at once. What else happened? I don't know. I'm not scowling, your boyfriend's not that cute. I wasn't even looking until you made that face, and I'm like, wh are you trying to defend something here? Is it worth defending? Oh, but the first girl that scowled me, her boyfriend is cute. She needs to do that more, but she needs to be with him, when she does that, like, “girl, you better wash your man's!” .And he has a accent. I don't know where the fuck he's from, cause half of the shit he said was not. I was like, what? what? He is cute. I didn't notice that when she was scowling at me, and that's probably why she I was like, “what is that face? “ Girl? And then I didn't know that was him, cause he went into their apartment. Don't worry, I'm not that kind of girl. like, that's yours. I guess keep making that face. Keep making that face. Do that. Do that. He's cute. I think she'd be cute too, if she wasn't doing that. So, you know, whatever. They' they're probably— and $4 got her flowers! Aw. Aw, and then he said something, oh, cause he thought, and so he doesn't think un is, don't worry. Don't worry, he doesn't. He thought I was delivering Amazon packages because I picked up my Amazon packages. I was picking up my packages and he was like, “oh, you don't need a key for the elevator.“ And I was like, not trying to explain. Like, "No, I live here, I know that. Like” so I was like, okay. And at first I thought he might be like this sounds bad. At first I thought he was deaf, cause whatever he said sounded like a whole, like a whole rolling mumble, and I was like, okay, and I was still listening to my fucking music. And then he kept talking. and so I was like, oh, I have to —and I wasn't even looking at him until I like turned off my music. And then I was I was like, damn. who the fuck is this? And then I was like, oh, like I saw that he lives on the same floor as me. and I was like, ”oh, “ like the elevators and the the the buttons and the elevator are different on both sides. So it depends on which elevator you get where the button is and I press the wrong button, and so he thought I was delivering Amazon package. I was like, no, I'll live here. like like I live here.We live on the same floor, you actually pressed the button already”, and then he said something back and I was like, 'oh, oh, he's he's just from somewhere else. He's not American.' i usually only like American dudes. I like dudes sometimes, not not all the time. I like dudes, sometimes. I like men all the time. That's all around the clock thing that I like. I like them more, increasingly, and the more like stable I get my singularity. I really like them because they can do all the fuck they like all the fuck shit they do is entertaining because they're not doing it to me. I'm like, “okay. I see. like that.” Yeah. I'd be A real, real real, real broad dyke. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like females. I'm not anti feminist. I just for the most part, like get impatient, cause I'm like, what can you do for me? Nothing. Nothing, exactly. I like a friend or something. No, females are never friends with each other. Let's just get that clear. I think I've just figured this out. I just figured this out, like, we'll pretend to be in each other's best interests…. Usually, I mean it. Because I'm not all the way I'm not 100% female. I am very nonbinary in the way they're like I genuinely, genuinely care—typically— if I if I care. if I let myself care, then I genuinely care. But I don't not have the same experience with other females and so I'm just learning this though. Like I'm just learning other females in the competitive sense as I'm learning males. I'm like, “oh, like, I get it. Like if you sense any superiority in me whatsoever, like, you're like, I become your enemy, like, I become your target and you're trying to kill me!” I'm like, ‘that sucks.' To me, like, but if I sense any inferiority in you whatsoever, you're like a nonfactor. Like, I don't— I'm not trying to kill you. I don't care what happens to you. I already won. Let's just all be this way. Just have a oh, oh, that was that thing that I heard. The one thing that I heard. I was like, and it clicked in my brain a certain way. It was that ‘insecurity makes people act crazy.' And I don't know why, but like it clicked with me in a certain way because typically I don't have to bring my insecurities out front or if I do, it works for me in a way that like— it works for me, because if I point if I point like I guess that's the comic or comedian in me. If I point out my indiscretions or my flaws, then it works for me because typically, the person that does sense that inferiority in some kind of way, they get kind of like, it if inflates their ego. It puffs them up and makes them feel like, oh, like, you know, like or, you know, OR— it makes them what's it called, like sympathize with you if they have like some of the same insecurities and it puts you on the same level of equality where it like humanizes you are humanizes them and then you and then you have like, a connection. I'm I'm just you know, I'm just figuring out like human connection in the way that, like, makes sense. So, I'm not I I'm not gonna pretend to know everything because I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to. and I with the understanding that, like, on a conscious level, like I well, I mean, like certain certain factors certain factors would indicate that yes, on a conscious level, I do and am, and know everything, but, like to be aware of it at all times would literally be insanity. I wouldn't want to be like allie was like that a lot of the time and I was like,bro, you need to get off God because I well, God is where he went. He was like,I'm just gonna die.” I was like “cool. fuck you, dude. Fuck you.” Like he was like, I'm just gonna die. *Explode! * i was like, all right, ‘whatever. Whatever dog.' I was still a little bit. I am I still grieving? I'm still grieving? I'm thinking I'm like in the acceptance part. where it's like,‘ oh, you're you're right. Like you're you're right about a lot of things and like your freedom is that you're hopefully. Well, see, he might have had some other shit to do. He might have had other shit to do, so I just I kind of have this thing where it's like he still actually like he's in another realm figuring out. figuring out things. Figuring out things. That's what you do when you die, and you haven't done everything yet. I know that much, but I know that the less I know, the better, ha, Tame Impala and also like, he's just a five. And again, uh, I don't I don't the whole music industry is herpes, like, don't touch me, don't well, Tame Impala can do better. So, so, I don't worry about things like that. I don't to worry about things like that, but the whole music industry, Herpes. I don't I don't think it would be hard to be with another musician. Like, really? I like pretty dudes. I like pretty guys, and I like pretty men. Pretty boys, though. I'm like,' oh, youes gots to learnings to do.” You gots to fuck around for like 50 more years. And then maybe we can have like a tea. In 50 years?! yeah, yeah. was you know, then what are we gonna do? There's none of like all the dumb shits out the way. All the dumb shit and all those dumb girls. all the girls like get the girls out of the way and then like a few of the women, like a lot of the women, like, get all the dumb shit out the way. And then talk to me. or don't. In fact, in fact, that's how I wanted to go. My next actual thing with like a person of the opposite gender should be—seriously wordless. like, it shouldn't have to have like, I don't have to explain myself to you. if I have to do that, I'm already doing too much work. I would I think I just might be a single forever. It's cool. I'm like “yay, I got over it.” And now I well, how am I gonna— I'm like I devising a plan, “how to hold babies without being weird.” Like, I—I want to do that. I don't necessarily want to take it all the way. Like, I don't wanna be I don't wanna be a midwife or a dula. don't wanna be like a baby— I don't want to be anything in the medical field because gross. Gross, gross. I thought I was gonna be at EMT for a while, because they're like, “oh, no, no, you're too old to be a firefighter!” That's okay. after living this long in New York, I'm like, running into a burning building would probably be like at the top of my priorities, if that were my job. You don't don't talk to me on the wrong day. I will try and fail to save everybody in this burning building. That's I'm you know, that's where I'm at. so it's probably good that I missed the cut off for being an actual firefighter. But then, oh, I signed up to be an EMT and they were like, oh, it's a year and a half wait, but then once you get into the program, the way that it works is that like you ‘technically, like word training you on a loan. So like everything that you make in the first, however many years, you actually owe back to us and you can't quit.' And I was like, that's kind of that's okay, because it's like job security. But then ey, I met an EMT that was taking the same bus as I was and I was like bro like that doesn't make sense. Like, you have a you have a full-time job and we're on the same bus, that's no. No, like you should be able to afford the next level of transportation hug. That's that's wrong, that's a hard job. ‘You should get paid more,' but then I was like, it's okay.' What was the second thing? Oh, I went to the ER. My first trip to the ER in New York was like was like the trip that I would never take to the ER in a third world country. I like I thought about it in Mexico a couple times. I was like, ‘bro, if it came down to it.' Because I saw like a building that I didn't know was like a functional building. I thought it was like a shell of a building, but then there was like a there was like a flickering sign on the front of the building that was like, you know, this is a hospital, this is the ER. And I was like, “no, it's not.” And I was like “this is like a shut down hospital, right?” But then there was like somebody at the entrance and I was like, 'okay.' And then I thought to myself 'like, okay, if I had to go to this fucking hospital or like just duke it out with whatever the fuck is happening, like what would be my choice?' And I was like, ‘I would probably just like take it.' I'd probably just take it. I'm not gonna lie, you know? like that. But the end, well I had to go, I had to go and honestly, New York ER is not super different, not you like not not anything like the ERs on the West Coast. is not the safest place. No. No, I did not want to be there. And then when I'd witnessed what an EMT does in a New York City, like ER, I was like, oh. I am— uh what's it called? [withdrawing] I'm taking out my applications. Oh, that was hardcore. What was it like a gunshot? It was something I think it was. I think that was a couple gunshot wounds in there. I was like, you know, 'no, this is what they do. This is what they do all the time.' Ive just I've reached a level of I can't do that with a lot of professions. Like, don't get me wrong. I'm not unwilling to work. It's just like I can't. Like my heart can't take it. Like it cannot. I've, you know, I've been around. I'm no spring chicken. I've already had some grief. grief. Like I don't think I can do that. So hat's off to the people in the blue, whatever. “all lives matter.” This is true. But, you know, I'm not picking those sides. Anyway, it is true. Everybody. Everybody makes sense in a certain way, right? Okay, I'm just trying to take up this last minute. What the fuck was this episode for? That was a fast hour. I'm surprised by myself. Don't scowl if you're ugly. Like, don't be ugly and scowl. I don't I don't know which thing happened first. I don't know if she was already ugly, so she's scowling. or if the scowling just, like changed everything. I've said this before, I'll say it again, like you can be —you can look, however, but as a person who like sees sings speaks vibrations, like if your whole shit's fucked up. like, that's what I see. So it will be the prettiest girl, boy, man, trans. You could be the prettiest cat. You would be a cat. I'm— I'm not— look, you know, I'm not into beastiality; pansexuality. sure, you know? I've had crushes on trees. Me and my Peloton have a thing going, but I spend a lot of time sitting on it. [MENACING IMMORTAL LAUGHER] a.k.a “mwahaha' Sorry. Okay, I was about to— That's enough, right? Yeah, that was so— —Somebody help that fucking bitch. they lady, man! that lady in her fucking dragon I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen. Like, don't worry, it is a very small percentage of people in the whole population that she's actually gonna try to actually hunt down and murder. You know, gently. death by snusnu. as possible as most of these dudes don't have, you know, like, I'll kill you. Don't scowl at me, and like, I will literally kill your boyfriend. Like, doll like by choice, though, I wouldn't kill him. So don't worry, you can take that face off now. Jesus Christ all day anyway. All day and all night, okay? Have a good day or night or whenever the fuck you're listening to this. Thank you for listening. More stuff soon, because we'll see what happens with the like, you know, with the website and whatever. I am you dot guru. That's what it is for the foreseeable future. That's what that is. I i A-M-U DOT GURU I gotta work on this website. It's gotta be it's like I can't overhype it. I can't do all this spelling out and promoting my own website if it's not gonna be like the most spectacular—smoothie that I've ever had, which is happening right now. Amen. {Enter The Multiverse} The Complex Collective © [The Festival Project ™ ] -Ū.

The Sex Tapes continueBy LiminallySpaced. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels.Sandy looked at her gorgeous friend. Sandy loved her, truly; as did Don; and they both wanted so badly for her to be happy. They had all been friends for so long. Sandy thought back to the night they met, to the experience the three of them shared, and she felt something tingle inside her. It wasn't the first time she had thought about it, in fact there were many nights where she and Don would relive those events as they made love. They would sometimes expand on them, fantasize about them, and even though they never said it out loud, there was one element always missing."What if,” Sandy considered, “what if it wasn't with someone new?" Her hand went to Don's thigh. She felt him choke on his drink.The silence was deafening. Sandy tried not to squirm, to worry about what she might have just suggested. The next thing Kelly said was going to be extremely important."What do you mean?" Kelly said.They all knew exactly what Sandy meant.Kelly hadn't run screaming from the room though, and that was a good sign to Sandy."I mean, um, what I mean is,” for once Sandy was tongue tied. Despite their experience with other people, other couples even, Sandy wasn't sure how to proceed. This wasn't some random hook up, this was her best friend. Her best friend and her husband; the two people she loved most in the world.The two people she loved most.Looking her best friend in the eye she knew there was only one thing she could say. Sandy took one last big gulp of her drink, and slowly melted off the couch, down to her knees in front of her husband.Kelly still didn't move.Sandy's hands danced around Don's belt. She looked at her husband with her dark, seductive eyes. He nodded almost imperceptibly in approval.Kelly shifted in anticipation as Sandy's hands adeptly worked Don's belt and zipper. She tried to play it cool, but couldn't stifle a small gasp when her eyes took in the sight of Don's exposed cock. Thick, hard, and wonderful, it was exactly as she remembered it.Sandy warmed at the sigh her husband let out as her fingers danced up and down his length. Then she turned to Kelly. Instantly she was transported back in time to that night they all first met. This time, however, there was so much more between the three of them. So many years of love and friendship. She could see the flushing in her friend's chest already, and this time she knew the answer to the question even before she asked it."You wanna join us?"Kelly's throat was dry, probably because all the moisture in her body had been redirected between her legs. This felt wrong, it felt taboo, but good God, she was drenched. She had replayed that night they met over and over in her mind over the years, using the images and sounds burned into her memory as fuel for countless self-induced orgasms. She played out fantasies and scenarios about what would have happened if she had said yes to their invitation.She even told Pete about it once while they were making love. She rode on top of him, slowly grinding on his cock as she recounted every detail of the evening. Pete spurred her on with lewd, probing questions that only made her wetter, and him harder. Finally, just before they exploded together in mutual orgasm, he asked her if she wished she had accepted. Through ragged breaths and the beginnings of full-body spasms she choked out "Yes!"It became a fantasy they would play out from time to time, especially on nights the two hung out with Sandy and Don. After a nice night out, Kelly and Pete would retire to their bedroom, and on more than one occasion, while Kelly was sucking his dick, Pete would instruct her to close her eyes and imagine the cock in her mouth was Don's. It always had the desired effect, and Kelly's orgasms were always extra hard.Kelly sat there, eyes darting back and forth from Sandy, to Don, to Don's cock, to Sandy, for what felt like an eternity. She reached up and undid another button from her shirt, revealing the top of her cleavage.Don's cock throbbed.Sandy smiled.She doesn't remember moving, but all at once Kelly was on her knees next to Sandy, in front of Don's hard, straining erection. Her hand floated up. Her body suddenly flashed with hot electricity as her fingers brushed its firm, hot skin.Her eyes turned toward the throbbing member, and she licked her lips."Go ahead," Sandy's voice floated into Kelly's ear.Kelly gripped the bottom of Don's shaft gently, but firmly, parted her lips, and dropped her wet mouth over the head of Don's cock.All three of them groaned at the same time.A devilish smile of disbelief was on Sandy's face as she watched her best friend take her husband's cock in and out of her mouth. Judging by the look on Don's face, he couldn't believe it either.Kelly savored every inch of that cock. This had been a long time coming, and she wanted to experience it fully. Her cunt throbbed, wet and desperate, and she felt her body heating up with lust. This cock felt so good in her mouth. Not just because it was Don's cock, but because it was a good cock too. It was satisfying. Sliding up and down on it, practically drooling, she began to think of other ways it could be satisfying. She felt her cunt buzz again.In a feverish, lustful haze, Kelly regained awareness of her surroundings all of a sudden, and pulled all the way off Don's slippery rod with a loud pop. She sat back on her ankles, breath ragged. She coyly wiped her mouth, and then looked at her two friends."I'm sorry," she said between breaths, trying to regain composure. Sandy began to form a statement meant to reassure Kelly she did nothing wrong, but was stopped as Kelly finished her thought: "I didn't even offer you any."Sandy smiled, and leaned in, taking her husband's cock into her mouth herself.Kelly watched Sandy bob on Don's cock. She had never fully appreciated how sexy her friend was, but now she had a front row seat. She felt her cunt flood, and her nipples ache. Intense heat flooded her body, and without even realizing it, Kelly began unbuttoning the remaining buttons on her blouse.Don's gaze left the wet, pleasureful ministrations of his wife's mouth, and bounced over to Kelly as she removed her shirt. His cock surged; he had wanted to see those breasts ever since the night they met. Pale, supple, smaller than Sandy's but still substantial, Don's mouth (and cock) began to drool slightly. The tops of her globes held high and firm by a tasteful bra, deep breaths made them heave and push against the fabric. Her cleavage looked deep and tight, and Don fantasized about what it might feel like to slide himself between them. Pleasure boiled deep inside him.Sandy stopped her wet worship to watch the show as well, her thoughts coming very close to those of her husband, and used the opportunity to pass his cock back to her horny friend. Kelly didn't hesitate, sliding back into position, but a low croak from Don's throat stopped her before her mouth slipped back down his length"Wait," he croaked, the two gorgeous women turning quickly to check in with him, surprised to hear his hesitation. Don looked down at Kelly's big, doe eyes, her tongue idly working the edge of her lip in anticipation, and managed to get out two words: "bra too?"Sandy and Kelly both began to chuckle, and Kelly whispered back a syrupy "sure, Don, whatever you want."Those last three words sent a chill through Don's body, and he and his wife both watched in rapt attention as their friend reached up with one hand, unhooked the clasp, and let her bra slide down her arms and off her body.Don let out a low, appreciative moan. They were everything he had hoped for. Taking his cock back in her hands, slowly stroking him, Kelly gave him a moment to admire her free, naked breasts. She could tell by the locked gaze and slight smirk that he liked what he saw. And Kelly liked showing him, too. She liked the feeling of his eyes on her tits, it made her feel sexy. It made her feel wanted.Most of all it made her wetter than she'd been in years. Feeling the tingle of desire running through her, she leaned forward, and took Don's cock back into her mouth.Sandy watched her friend desperately devour her husband's penis, and made a decision. She slipped her own shirt off, followed quickly by her own bra, letting her two massive breasts swing free. Climbing back up onto the couch, she tucked herself in right next to her moaning, gasping husband, made sure her tits were in squeezing distance should he feel the need, and began lovingly stroking his chest and stomach as they both watched Kelly work.This was her night. She needed this. Sandy wanted her to have what she needed.The over stimulation of Kelly's mouth and Sandy's body was too much, and suddenly Don began to shiver and convulse.Kelly's tongue passed over the fat, smooth head of Don's cock and felt it flare. His balls pulled tight, and his cock grew even harder in her hands. Kelly smiled to herself.Sandy watched, her eyes darting back between her desperate, sucking friend, and her writhing, spasming husband. She squeezed her legs together, sending a bolt of pleasure through her body. A smile pulled at her lips as her best friend summoned a hard orgasm out of the man she loved. "That's it, baby, that's it," was all she said. She didn't know which one she was saying it to.Kelly felt a final strong surge in Don's shaft and then moaned as he began to fill her mouth with hot cum. She sucked and stroked, happily swallowing everything she was gifted. This was the first time in three years she had made a man cum. She was happy it was Don. His semen tasted good. She wanted it inside her.Eventually the pulses slowed, the spasms stopped, and all three felt their breathing return to normal. Kelly slowed the sweet suckling of her lips, and gently disengaged from Don's wilting member, a thin viscous strand of their shared fluids desperately clinging between her lips and his tip.Kelly modestly brought a hand to her mouth as she swallowed the last of Don's load, and the three friends sat in stunned silence, trying to figure out what just happened."Now what?" Kelly said, looking at the two of them. It was a loaded question, for sure.After considering the question for a moment, Sandy stood up. She looked down at her spent husband, and her clearly still horny best friend. Reaching down, she took Don's hand, then after a moment reached for Kelly's as well.The two new lovers stood up. Sandy leaned in and kissed Don hard, then did the same to Kelly. She could taste his semen on her lips."Round two." She said with a smile. She turned, and led her husband and her best friend by their hands into the bedroom.The erotic evening of discovery continued. Despite overwhelming feelings of lust and arousal at the lips of her friend, Kelly drew the line of exploration with Sandy at kissing (at least for this first night). This didn't limit their activities, however, as the two shared Don's recuperating cock between them, sucking, kissing, licking and stroking him back to rejuvenated hardness. It didn't take him long to get there, and pretty soon Don was fully hard and throbbing, thanks to the loving mouths of his wife and her best friend.He felt a certain sense of disbelief as soon the scene from the couch was mirrored in the bedroom, only this time Sandy was tucked in tightly to Kelly's side as Don pleasured Kelly with his tongue."Enough," Kelly said, "I want it. I need it."Kelly held her best friend tight. She could feel Sandy's nipples pressing into the side of her own breast. Her body tingled. Her breasts heaved atop wanton, nervous breaths as Don rose up from between her legs.His hands spread her thighs, and then lined up the thick flared head of his cock with her dripping cunt. He teased her for only a moment, spreading her juices around his tip, and then slowly pushed.Kelly felt Sandy's lips on her neck, and hands on her breasts as Don became the first man to enter her in three years.Her body was inflamed with sensation, and Sandy held her tight, guiding her through the feelings as Don thrust deeply and rhythmically.Soon Kelly writhed and shook, her breathing becoming ragged and labored, as orgasm seized control of her from head to toe. The image of Kelly cumming on his cock was too much, and Don too began to buck and shake. He pushed deep into Kelly's gasping tunnel and emptied himself into her warm center.Sandy gasped and cried out in joy as the two people she loved most shared such a beautiful, intimate moment.The three lovers collapsed into each other, a delirious, giggling tangle of vibrating flesh. Soon the wheel of pleasure slowly turned, and now it was Kelly pressed tight to Sandy as Don's tongue and fingers drove her toward ultimate pleasure.Her fingers danced over Sandy's steaming body. She had never touched another woman like this before. It was exciting and scary all at once. Soon she felt her best friend's body tremble, and shake, and heard the cries and moans of her pleasure. Kelly leaned in close, feeling the ragged breath of Sandy's orgasm on her cheek, and kissed her best friend.Sandy's body exploded in pleasure, an electric current of lust and love formed by Kelly's lips on her mouth and Don's lips on her cunt.The three lay together for a long while, each fully satisfied. Kelly knew things were changing, but somehow she also felt like this was how it was always supposed to be. Her thoughts drifted to the future; what this would be, where it would go, what other pleasures and experiences might be in store. She was ready for them. She wanted them. She wanted to have them with Sandy and Don."I think I have a lot of questions," she said finally, feeling Sandy's large breast sit heavy in her hand."I think we have a lot to tell you." Sandy chuckled."I can't wait." Kelly said, a smile beaming.Basking in the glow of her newfound satisfaction, Kelly's eyes lazily drifted across the room. She took in her surroundings, until her eyes caught the big lens of a home video camera on a tripod, pointed toward the bed."What's that for?"Chapter 22: Tim finishes watching the video"No, nope, nuh-uh, no way," I said, pacing back and forth across the living room. I was in shock.My upstairs neighbors and longtime family friends Sandy and Don had asked me to house sit for them. I had planned on a pretty quiet night until my best friend Tara had joined me. This led to us accidentally discovering a treasure trove of Sandy and Don's personal, explicit, home sex videos. This wasn't entirely surprising, given what I knew about Sandy and Don's rather adventurous sex life, and the first half of the video we chose to explore lived up to that expectation as it featured Sandy both sucking and cumming on a cock that didn't belong to her husband. It was the second half, however, that caught me so off guard; the part of the video we currently had paused; the part where Sandy took the camera into the bedroom and revealed her best friend bouncing enthusiastically on Don's dick.Her best friend who also just so happened to be my step mother Kelly."No, I don't, how is this possible? How could she,” I couldn't form a coherent thought. Kelly hadn't been on even a single date since my father died, and was a devout, church-going Christian, to boot. I could not reconcile that the sweaty, smiling woman with Don's thick cock up inside her was Kelly. I just couldn't."I mean, she's still a woman," Tara said, "everybody's got needs, right?""This isn't NEEDS, Tara, this is, GROUP Sex!" I practically shouted."I don't know, Miller," she said, a lusty smile on her face, "I think it's pretty cool, actually. Girl knows what she wants and goes out and gets it."I just stood there, aghast and livid, hands on my hips, shaking my head. Tara began to giggle."This isn't funny!" I croaked, but all she did was laugh harder.

In this episode,  Diana continues her conversation with John David Graham, founder of Good Samaritan Home. They discuss his extensive work in mentoring men and women re-entering society after prison, the transformative impact of his program, and his award-winning book, 'Running as Fast as I Can.' They also touch on the broader role of the church in giving second chances and offering hope, particularly to those marginalized by society. Graham shares stories of success and resilience, emphasizing the power of compassion and authentic service. 00:00 Introduction to the Podcast 00:40 Recap of Previous Episode with John David Graham 01:32 John David Graham's Ministry and Mission 03:40 Challenges and Realities of Ministry Work 07:13 The Story Behind 'Running as Fast as I Can' 12:46 Success Stories and Impact 14:30 Current State and Future of the Ministry 17:25 Final Thoughts and Reflections Buy John's book here:  https://www.amazon.com/Running-As-Fast-Can-ebook/dp/B0CKK418FB/   Website: https://dswministries.org Email: diana@dswministries.org Subscribe to the podcast: https://dswministries.org/subscribe-to-podcast/ Social media links: Join our Private Wounds of the Faithful FB Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1603903730020136 Twitter: https://twitter.com/DswMinistries YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxgIpWVQCmjqog0PMK4khDw/playlists Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dswministries/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DSW-Ministries-230135337033879 Keep in touch with me! Email subscribe to get my handpicked list of the best resources for abuse survivors! https://thoughtful-composer-4268.ck.page #abuse #trauma Affiliate links: Our Sponsor: 753 Academy: https://www.753academy.com/ Can't travel to The Holy Land right now? The next best thing is Walking The Bible Lands! Get a free video sample of the Bible lands here! https://www.walkingthebiblelands.com/a/18410/hN8u6LQP An easy way to help my ministry: https://dswministries.org/product/buy-me-a-cup-of-tea/ A donation link: https://dswministries.org/donate/   Transcript: John David Graham Part 2 ​[00:00:00] Welcome to the Wounds of the Faithful Podcast, brought to you by DSW Ministries. Your host is singer songwriter, speaker and domestic violence advocate, Diana. She is passionate about helping survivors in the church heal from domestic violence and abuse and trauma. This podcast is not a substitute for professional counseling or qualified medical help. Now here is Diana. Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Wounds of the Faithful Podcast. I'm glad that you're here. We had a terrific conversation with John David Graham last time. He is the founder of Good Samaritan Home, the mentoring program, helping men and women restart their lives after prison. [00:01:00] He has 17 homes that he has started and we're talking about his fantastic book. Running as fast as I can. I'm not gonna review too much of what we talked about last time, so if you have not listened to part one, as always, I say go back and listen to that first because you'll miss the foundation of the conversation and then come back here with us to hear the rest of John's story. So I'm not gonna delay any further. Here is my continued conversation with John David Graham. I think my audience hears me much better than any sermon I ever prepared. Yeah, Jesus tells us to visit those in prison and serve people that are, less fortunate or struggling or the hated of society like the Samaritan. Jesus went out of his way to meet the Samaritan woman and to evangelize the [00:02:00] Samaritan people. And they were, they hated ones in his day. We sometimes forget, we make Samaritan into a compliment. But the truth is that you're exactly right. It was not just a criticism, it was a vile criticism. Yes. She as a woman, was rejected. And Jesus, if I remember correctly, didn't he take a drink from her? Yes. Yes he did. And that was, again, forbidden because she was unclean according to his tradition. And when he would hug people and welcome the lepers and all of that, that to me is exactly what the church can do so well, if we would just do it instead of getting involved in I want you to look like me, then you can come to church. Amen to that. Yeah. In fact, you think about it, if I drive down the road and you see a church marquee that says, here's my sermon for Sunday, you are all welcome. But why would somebody who doesn't understand your traditions. Doesn't understand any of [00:03:00] your teaching. Never had been in that building. Why would they come in and do something that's totally foreign? Just because you're Marquee says you're welcome. They'll never do that. No. But if you go where they are and help them with their hunger, then they'll hear you. I believe. Yes. I had a a guest on the show that had he had a a ministry to bikers. It was the same thing. He would invite these groups of bikers that come into church and they got all this, terrible treatment because they ride a bike and they wore leather jackets and they didn't want them there. And yeah, they're not gonna, they're not gonna feel welcomed just by a sign. Absolutely. And I understand many of the traditions, but if I were to walk into a small church, I would immediately be noticed as a visitor. And even the welcoming would make me uncomfortable. And so identify, I go to a [00:04:00] large church. All of the the swell of people would make me uncomfortable unless I had somebody there walking me through it. And. A friend, leading a friend , I think the only way you can actually introduce somebody into into your church. And the truth is we don't emphasize that at all because number one, we have so much power that's they'll never give us the right answer. They'll say, oh yeah, I believe all your doctrines. And what they're saying is, I need this roof over my head. So I just try to be real. I just try to be myself and I don't put any religious pretenses into the conversation. If somebody asks, I will answer, but I try not to. I don't have a score sheet that said I, I witnessed the six people today. That, to me, doesn't work. Okay. I am I was a missionary for 13 years in the Baptist Church. I know exactly the kind of list you are talking about. Yeah. And I'm [00:05:00] kind of, sorry of some of the things that I did as a missionary with that particular list. Yeah. And this, the whole idea, even what a missionary does if we're going and simply teaching, are we teaching our western ways or are we helping people dig a well so that they have water for their farm? And are we helping them with their medical needs because that's what they need, and our faith motivates us to do these works of compassion, and they hear those works. So tell me, what your wife, Kathy thinks of all this. What is her role in your ministry there? She's sitting here with me, so Hey. Let me just say this, that I never could have done this alone because number one, it came out of our own house and when we bought our first house beyond our home, our first shelter, she had inherited a few thousand dollars that was supposed to be for retirement, [00:06:00] but she gave all of that to purchase this other house so that we could remodel it for the next two years. So she gave not just her time, but her sweat equity and her meager retirement funds. And then she's been basically in charge of all the residential services. So even at her age, and she's the same age as I am, and she will spend her days either painting and patching a wall. Cocking bathtubs today, she was patching a floor that had a hole in it. So she was working with wood putty and a sander. Now this is a woman who should be watching Oprah on television and at the local community luncheon. But she's more comfortable wearing work clothes. And and then when we leave here, we're gonna go do curfew rounds at the houses and she'll be right there with me. Sounds like a servant's heart to me. Yeah. It really is. Because we all, [00:07:00] I think all of us on my staff come from some point of brokenness and we're one step away from our residents and we try to walk with that in mind, and it makes us, I think, more forgiving. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That you've been through some hard things you can relate. I want to talk about your book running as fast as I can, and this Daniel Robinson, is he somebody that you actually know, and you then you fictionalized the story, or is it completely separate from your life and your ministry? I started to write a book 50 years ago when I was homeless. Actually. I was in my truck and I had a royal typewriter, if you remember those. Yeah. And I realized I had nothing to say, and so I put it on the shelf. And then 10 years ago I said, it's time because I want to tell this story of second chances. But, [00:08:00] I could present data and I could give you statistics. In fact, my doctoral work was in reentry and the social and psychological and spiritual benefits of reentry in the community. And I, I think maybe six people read it. I spent three years writing that, and it had all the data, but nobody is influenced by data. So what I decided to do is write a story, and I'll give you an example. Let's suppose that I want to talk to everybody about lifeboat safety. It's very important if you're going on a cruise, if you know how to work the lifeboats, I'll guarantee you nobody will watch that video because it's boring. But if I made a movie. And I had Jack and Rose on the Titanic and I made it into a love story that actually was about lifeboat safety. Everybody will watch it and remember when they get on a boat, where are the lifeboats? So that was my thinking [00:09:00] when I started writing this book. How do I write a story about second chances? But I want people to read it and remember it and identify with it. And so Daniel Robinson is fictional, but it's based on my life and your life and my wife's life and every life of the men I deal with. But I brought it together. And it's Forrest Gump going through the sixties and the idea he grew up in a home that where he was neglected and eventually he was abused by his pastor, the one man he trusted, and he ran away from home and spent the next 20 years trying to undo the damage that was done to him. And at one point in his life when he married a woman named Kate who had her own limp. We like to say that when two broken people lean on one another, then they can walk straight. And Daniel and Kate were married and started to create the family they were both looking for. But he [00:10:00] said one line. I think that probably the most important, he said, Kate, it's been 17 years since that man did that to me, but it's like it was yesterday. I can still smell the after shave he wore, I can still see the room. I still feel that man touching me. And they say, you get over it, but you never do. Some hurts last forever. And that is the theme of the book. It's the idea of some of us are born so far behind in the race that we have to run hard to even find the starting line, but the object is as long as you're willing to keep running. You will reach your goal. It just, some of us need longer time. And the truth is that the stories resonate very well with readers. It's garnered 26 awards for literary and inspirational fiction. It, and it's sold thousands of copies [00:11:00] and we're really not even advertising it. We're simply putting it out there on social media. But the object is that I believe, particularly in this day and age, I. Where on the internet, on Facebook, all your sins from sixth grade keep coming back at you, and every little thing you've done wrong will haunt you. We are all looking for a second chance, and that's why I think this story is resonating. People believe in second chances. They want it and they need it. And here's a story that says you can get a second chance. Amen. That sounds intriguing. I'm sure that everyone would want to get a copy of this book. Where can we get a copy of the book? Is that on Amazon? Yeah. Easiest way is to go to John David graham.com. That's my website and that will link you. To Amazon, and [00:12:00] it can, it's electronic, it's print, it's audible version. So it's available in all the versions. And the truth is that, it's I definitely think that it's one of those it deals with issues that we wrestle with, like homelessness. It deals with drug addiction, it deals with sexual abuse and the response of the church or lack of response to that. What I'm hearing again and again of people who have been victims of sexual abuse often become victimizers too. Yes, because they've never learned to forgive and be forgiven. And I had a mentor in college who taught me that healing of the memories only comes when we're able to face our memories and find forgiveness. And that's the intent of this story, is to help people forgive themselves. Now, do you have a story of someone specific that has really come out on the other side and [00:13:00] has done really well? Obviously don't give their name, but do you have someone like that you could tell us about? Oodles of stories. Interesting you should say that because just the last week one of our first residents who was with us, I will say his name is Walter, but he came to us when he was 26 years old. He had been in prison for nine years. That meant he went to prison as a juvenile. And he came out after nine years in prison and he was homeless and he stayed with us for several years, in fact, well beyond the normal time, but he was able to get a job with somebody who's willing to mentor him, and he stayed at that job and he's become a manager in that factory. And just last week. He put a posting on Facebook. He said he just read my book and how much he appreciated not just the book, but the work that we did in [00:14:00] helping him. Aw. And then. Then just a few days after that, I had a call from another fellow named Reggie, who was our very first resident. And he said virtually the same thing. He's been out of prison for 20 years. He's married, got kids, has a family, and he's working as a truck driver. And he just touched base to say thank you. And we don't solicit those stories, but when they call like that, it makes it all worthwhile. Oh yeah. You feel like you're making a difference in the world. One person at a time. Definitely. Now you're in Dayton, Ohio. Is that right? Yeah we we we started off in a rural area, a small town, and that's why there was so much nervousness with our program. But we quickly expanded to Dayton, which is a larger area, and the truth is that by going into. Homes that were in distress, we're able to remodel the neighborhood while we're also remodeling our residents. [00:15:00] So we haven't had nearly the politics in the bigger city that we had in the small town. Oh. But on any given day, we may have upwards of 90 to a hundred men and women in all of our houses. That's a lot of people. We don't have to do day-to-day management. We just do, like I say, it's independent housing, so we just touch base so that way we're good landlords because we're there regularly, but also we're mentors, so if somebody wants to talk, we're there to listen. So you said that the guys they come to you through the prison system. They're the ones that. Give you the fellows that need a place? You don't have people just coming up to you and asking for a place to stay? We used to do that originally, we called it off the street. And the truth is that's actually more dangerous because you have no control. No filtering. And so we don't do the off the street anymore. Because the need in the community was for men who are [00:16:00] required to be released. It they had a release date. And if you're released from prison and you're put out onto the street with no money, no place to stay, you'll do whatever you have to do to survive. Our priority became to make the community safe. We need to help those people. And it turned out that we were one of many providers when we started in back in 2003, but most of those other organizations, faith-based organizations disappeared. So we've become the only official provider of reentry housing in the entire southwest corner of the state. That's why we've had to grow from house to house. The need is so great. And on the positive side, the state will pay us a per diem for this because it costs $109 a day to keep somebody in prison. But what they'll do is they'll pay us a fraction of that. And [00:17:00] so the state saves tax money, we're able to pay our bills and our staff and then our residents get free housing for six months a year. Some people stay two years, and so everybody wins. Even the community wins because they're now working and spending their taxes their income in the city and paying child support too. So everybody wins with this. Absolutely. That's that is amazing. And I know we talked a lot about a variety of different things. Was there anything that we didn't talk about that you wanted to mention to our audience? I see a lot. Again, I mentioned that I see a lot of similarities to the sixties, and the only thing I'm seeing now more so is the church. Has taken on the role of what I call a political action committee, where it's trying to influence the politics, and I feel that's not what the church does [00:18:00] well, and I would strongly recommend the church go back to do the acts of mercy that we are best at. In fact, the word hospitality, the word hospice. It comes from the Greek words in the Bible for loving the stranger, what we did. And if we try to get political, we're gonna end up with a Spanish Inquisition. We're gonna end up with all the issues where we have the crusades, where we do battle for God and we do nothing in reality, for God. But we're just, becoming another army. And right now I see a lot of that, and the numbers are showing, particularly among the Gen Z, they're not responding to the church's actions. They're looking for authenticity. They're looking for honesty. And they're not finding it. And so the numbers in churches have declined 20% over the last decade. People are not going because they don't want to get involved in [00:19:00] politics on Sunday. They want to find Jesus with the woman at the well. Yes. And I think I've been on these podcasts for just six months and everywhere I turn I hear the same response. There's the sense of hope that if the church were doing this, if we've stumbled onto something that I believe is what the church can and should do. And I think if the church more churches were to do this without trying to evangelize, just do the work of the evangelist. I think it would change the world. Yes, it would. Be Jesus. Yeah. The irony is that we like to think we're too old, but I started Good Samaritan home at 53. I published my novel at 75, and I'm working on two sequels now, so I believe that you're never too old to do ministry of some sort. In fact I've searched the Bible and I cannot find the [00:20:00] word retirement anywhere. No. How old was Moses? How old was Caleb in the Bible? How old was, Noah for crying out loud. It I forget how old he was, but he was a senior. He wasn't a young man. And to my knowledge, he wasn't a sailor either until he learned to be No. So yes, I agree with you. There's really no retirement in the Bible. We're called to serve with whatever we have, where we're at in our life right now.   What I've tried to do, Diana, is I try to think, how is my message? How are my words heard? So when I write an article for Substack or if I put something on Facebook, or if I on these podcasts, I I try not to speak in church language. I try to speak in the language of my listeners. And the listeners that I'm I'm hearing back from are looking for hope. They're looking for purpose, and they know. What they're seeing out there is not working and they're looking for authenticity. [00:21:00] And the feedback I've been getting has confirmed that we're on the right track and I'm just glad to be part of it. I'm glad to know you, John, that you're out there being the hands and feet of Jesus to the people that need it the most. And you're making a difference. Tell folks if they go to my webpage, there's a contact link and they're welcome to contact me. I'm open for discussions. I do a Substack newsletter where I talk about this and other things, and we've had just a lot of positive feedback and I think if we can talk, if we can discuss, and we may differ, but as long as we're talking. With one another and not at one another. I think we can make a difference. Amen to that. I'm subscribed to a couple people on Substack and I'll subscribe to you too. I would really like to hear more especially about your theological discussions. Jesus. So I have a lot of fun in [00:22:00] Substack 'cause you can actually wrestle with some ideas. Yeah there's people that really like substack and you can get a real following on there. I really appreciate you coming on this show today, John. It's been educational and inspiring and if you have any new books coming out or another new ministry, you're always welcome to come back on the podcast. I'd love to have you. I find it ironic that there were two tragedies that happened today, filling the news, and yet the message of hope is what's gonna end my day. And hopefully the end the day of some of your listeners too, that no matter what happens on the news, no matter happens in the world, we can still present a voice of hope and I think people will hear that message. Amen. God bless you, John. Hey, thank you so much, really, I enjoyed this, Diana. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Wounds of the Faithful Podcast. If this episode has been helpful to you, please [00:23:00] hit the subscribe button and tell a friend. You could connect with us@dswministries.org where you'll find our blog, along with our Facebook, Twitter, and our YouTube channel links. Hope to see you next week.    

Have you ever eaten one cookie and thought, “Welp, I blew it—might as well start over Monday”? Or skipped one workout and spiraled into “I'm just not disciplined enough”? You're not lazy, and you're definitely not broken. You might just be tangled up with a sneaky little saboteur called perfectionism. In this episode, we're pulling back the curtain on why perfectionism—disguised as self-improvement—is actually hijacking your health journey. We'll explore how to shift from all-or-nothing to just keep going… even if it's messy. In This Episode, You'll Learn: Why perfectionism isn't about high standards—it's about fear (with fancy shoes) The 4 perfectionist personas in weight loss (hello, Rule Follower and Right Timer!) How to make progress without needing every day to be perfect The L.I.G.H.T. model to help you grow with self-compassion instead of shame   So are you ready to hit pause on perfection and open up to possibility. Aw yeah, let's go!    https://confidentbody.coach/tips/ BOOK: You Are A Miracle 

[A beautiful dog enters the palace; C'esme't is pleased—actually, more thrilled.] Now! (Yo!) [The Dog sits at the entrance.] Call to me. [he speaks from the mind (telepathically) with a familiar tonal voice] Come, sweet stranger! [The Dog approaches] For it is I, the King who walks as not a ghost For yet the call has spoken that I be your loyal shadow (it's me; the King. I've been called to watch over you) Then? (Elaborate.) For now I came as waked dost I as ghost and wandered, pity and pardoned by no army dared Aghast my throne And agape my eyes, Wide my mouth and nostrils, Disemboweled and yet, I did wake with my fortune And tidings in my kingdom, a hidden realm, For there slayed, as I wept, The others dared to swallow, This truth, I, as knight and pawn doth slay the Queen, For titled King no friend of mine; And now, this beast as blood dost froth, My mind does waste, but here I bark Fortunate! To be laid by as you, I will. Then, creature, as you may! For free, this I, And coming not the time I shall l awaken, And then, though, Does the true challenge to bear, The altar; the stone, the shield and the rope From which I pull, and thee shall fight. Marriage of souls. To fancy this beast, betrayeth not. For something barks as is an end As a man does call a lover friend And so lover-friend I am and shall be. Lol what the fuck. So he's a dog now. ‍♀️ wtf is going on in this show. Idk. I'm baked. Enter The Multiverse L E G E N D S: Manifest Destiny ‍♂️ Ascension: Enter the Multiverse The titles switched. Good idea. So maybe I should stick with t mobile? Idk. Mint mobile is 15 dollars a month for unlimited talk and text. HERE AND NOW I DECREE, THIS FEAST DOES NOURISH ALL OUR MINDS AND HEARTS TO FIGHT THE GOOD WAR AGAINST ALL HE WHO SQUANDER THE MERCY OF PEACE! TO COURAGE! lol you lost me. I'm grasping at strings here. I needs a means to an end I need a body bag, body bag I need a King and a dog And a cat and an owl And a mark and a dawn And a knife and a gun Call it what you want I was not at the rock But that's where I was going I'm lost in Omaha I was just on the dark With the dark and the walkers The king and the rabbit The facts and the stalkers But who sunk the boat? Who sunk the boat Now this is encouragement! Acknowledgements? Nothing yet. Disaster strikes obvious and No regrets But obvious I'm in it for the long run And it transpired for the job done But the waffles came out awful And crispier than I wanted Almost every time So I took the iron back to target And I know I came out with a double album in August But I got no promotions So I won't walk the carpet So I won't walk the carpet I know I know I'm no Joan Rivers Or Joan of ark so I won't talk the gossip I won't talk the gossip I won't talk the gossip Now, more followers Show boat, Throw him overboard into a rowboat With no paddles And horseshoes on em— That outta show ‘em Rondevouz Rob us all Noah's Ark Don't get so lost in the story Lost in the sory Lost in the LORNE MICHAELS …you caused this. [In a secret lab inside of 30 Rock, A group of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE alumni are trapped inside a metal box; this room has no doors and no windows and seems to be amplifying thought frequencies each of them hears uniquely, but distinctly, and very, very loudly. This is due to the irrefutable fact that they are all gifted telepaths, due to having served time often looking into the lenses of live broadcast cameras. it is theorized that, because of this anomaly— a strange and untraceable signal seeming to intercept all of Rockefeller Plaza's Radio antennae transmissions, it may be an unknown extraterrestrial force attempting to comminicste with 30 Rock from space. On this day, they've been gathered and trapped here in an emergency focus group to attempt to remedy the problem. Haha. MAKE IT STOP. OH MY GOD WHAT IS THST, WHYYYYYYYYY! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYHY!!! Craters full of lullabies and dictionary definitions; Tense intimate interactions, and now, this hypertension. I have a secret, a dirty little secret. I didn't do it! It wasn't me! Hmm..okay–vouch. I'm telling you–wait– vouch? Yeah, I vouch. You're vouching me? I'm vouching you. She's vouching me. She vouched you. So i'm good? You're good. I'm good. You're good. Ok. SETH MEYERS is the best secret keeper in the entirety of the known and unknown multiverse. The respective deities and entities within the outer realms have taken notice to this; One of the world's greatest eve played game has become the ritualistic endeavor of tracking down this human in order to attempt to overwhelm him so that he might eventually crack or implode, or even acknowledge these sometimes outrageous events and otherworldly happenings; thus far, he has not. As of recently, the elders of the darkest deities from the furthest outer realms and legions of Hell have been taking this game with the now very famous and successful seth meyers, a popular TV host; this has elevated the e ntirety of the threshold for Seth's tolerance, and it appears he may soon be pushed to crack. So why are you on the wire? I atrophied at extravagant Tip toed in the tip ties; Til' then, i went there, Now summer starts in winter Now summer starts in winter Now summer starts in winter Pull the curtain back, Then you censor this Censor this! I pull the curtain back, then redact then redact don't react don't react It's an act it's an act Shit I pull the curtain back then I bow; It's a show now Pull the curtain back then I show, It's a showdown Listen up, Listen down I super blow my flow now, super bowl my pronouns You can't lose if you don't pick a team You can't win if you don't even play I can't pay you if I don't get a paycheck I can't work at it if it's not fame Oh no! I can't work at it if it's not fame. The isms is the synthesis; I only got one present for christmas When you [can] Take that spark and bury it in your heart, don't remark about it– Then, probably you're a comic Or an alcoholic, one of the two of them Wrong not to touch, then Willed you back into existence And still it's in exigence, and Guilty by association Guilty by association I just want to know what the current Tonight Show budget is for hair dye. Also wondering why JImmy's suit is grey, but his hair isn't? Is that a two in one? Honest to God my only question about this man. The rest can remain as mystery. Act V Part II Guilty By Association Sometimes I Stevie Wonder what you're up to; I can't see you but I know you're in my aura Sometimes I Richard Pryor while you're on my mind; I guess you could say you set my soul on fire My, my my Look what time it is I've only just begun to know you; Then I had to dieSo turn the light off My eye Turn the light off for awhile And follow me to darkness Follow me To the other side. It's not true, but it'll do I might have lost you somewhere Better off to leave you somewhere sure; If it's not pure And how could it be When only the light hits the snow And bounces off The warmth is an illusion, And your love is just a dream And anyway, anyway There's nothing i've ever been surer of Than the definite end, The enter and exit And when planets align, Only to fall completely out of orbit Now what was this for again Foreigner, object identified and destroyed it's destructive qualities, Tentative in a nature Sure, pressure– Resentment, Intense good moments of pleasure, Then signals sent Completely by accident. -Now that i've been thinking lately of Bill Murray And my formerly imaginary friend Riff Raff, Now i'm sure that There may be some telepathy involved Which means I should probably just– Go somewhere else now. Should I be sorry for my thoughts? I'd rather not, But still YO. Yo dude, what the fuck. I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS MOVIE FOR LIKE A YEAR. That's not that long… IT'S A LONG TIME TO BE IN A MOVIE. Please don't tear me to pieces; Don't blow the balloon up, No foul ball, No side eye No fowl play And dinner is as cold as it gets But dinner does warm In the aluminum foil, But all out of order, The border patrol is just Digging for details Digging for details. And it's this: You don't know what it is, Until you get into it, And it sets into you The only way it can When it's in you. Are you paying attention to this? Or can I just end it? Boston accents or what, And now i really think It's just inside my head It's just inside my head and This is getting weird. All of a sudden, I'm oh wonder and I love it And Sara Silverman has The prettiest brown eyes I've ever seen (on a celebrity) ((with whom I share a gender)) Aha. Okay, Sabrina Carpenter has a very pretty voice But that doesn't make me Any less jealous Or any less capable of explosion Disarm me I'm catching up on the specials I missed Being special I guess With no grocery subscription Aim low, Get high, I guess Rob Lowe, Build time, I guess I miss the old announcer, And the golden years I miss the former times And the mouse ears I learned my less I might got Kim K and TSwift Pointer Finger Could hold a tune to you, Who The joys of live theatre, And the catastrophe of the Impenetrable Boy oh boy is Television getting heavy Turn up the ridiculousness and Atrocious Atrocities and Acidophilus Anorexic, I wish i could digest this –and expand my vocabulary I wish I was better than I am So i could be Capable Can Kim Kardashian ever not just be Naturally beautiful at everything Doing everything Kim The J I can't sing in this apartment And it might actually kill me The devil lives next door on both sides I'm in a satan sandwich I guess I'm just Not free I must have fucked up last lifetime I must have fucked up last lifetime I might have looked just like her I want to get upstaged by Eddie Murphy More corpse suits! Pink lipstick! Slap the desk Check the camera Front loading! Front loading! I want a chance at humbling white america (just kidding) I want a wig that looks like an afro (cause I don't have one) I want Lorne Michaels to shame me into beng better By making me feel mediocre first So I hit the high bar When I hit the body bag I hit the body bag When I hit the high road With Letterman YOU STOLE MY BODY TO GO TO A BLACK TIE FUNCTION!? Yeah. Well–which one? Okay, you're gonna get a kick out of this. I'm giddy for physical comedy THIS IS MY MANIFEST DESTINY MY MANIFEST DESTINY AHHHHHHHH MY MANIFEST DESTINAAAAAAA Comedy comes in all forms And God comes in all Karma I brace myself for repeating my mantras I light candles But don't blow them out I just might get my wish DO NOT RESIST. I AM RESISTING THIS ARREST. Oh yeah. YES. Shoot him. NO, DON'T. SHOOT HIM, BILLY BOB, SHOOT ‘EM. Crocodile hunter turned hard-up cop Read him his rights! He ain't white enough. So she's perfect! Me? I've been taken in I can't stand to stamp I can't christmas, Backwards And backwash And sanford and sons And Whatever And… Ego might eat me like Eggos Like Hannibal Burress was holding At the market I left my Ego at the door But there's just no room for the both For the both of us I KNOW I'll just write her a hit show! What. YES. THEN, SHE'LL LEAVE SNL, AND THEN I'LL BE THE BLACK GIRL ON THE SHOW MWAAHAHAHAHAHA Ok. wtf happened to that girl? SUNNI BLU [kicking and screaming] I TOLD YOU I'M NOT GOING ON FA– —-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So many beautiful people, or, rather The actors, Or should I say Vortex Then. Too many beautiful people I spent the whole night warm and holed up in the office What could come out of The Rock I don't know where to look I'm not used to the audience Duh, that. I'm a professional audience member But i don't remember the ending Anybody? Anybody? Any envy actor actress? BPM: Dosage Anxiety Remix Honestly fuck the comed circut I just want to know what it's like to have a body What's it like to have a body? I'm just a collective consciousness robot Adapting to my environment I can't sing in this apartment! I'm in a Satan Sandwich And would be The God in the middle If God didn't find this Absolutely hilarious So I'm on 24 hours; You're on Saturday Nights, But i'm on 24 I broke my Don't-look up-folks rule on Brittney Howard Cause I think i'm just like herBut more of a coward. You're on Saturday Night Live But i'm on 24 Hours It hurts longer And stronger Every moment I'm gone And still not a mom I wish I could change my eyes The color of the world Before it all ends Earth gone And oceans of mud No tide And no moon (The Earth without the Sun) I don't want to know you I don't want to owe you a lesson. I don't want to go there. I don't want no dance numbers. I don't want no GOATS here. No goats here. I don't get it, Mass Media– Is this flattery, or Deception? Humiliation? Based in perception, I see, so Is this recognition or Did I just send Dillon Francis my script in the beginning? No answer, by God. What an asshole What if Alienz Don't like lesbians. What is trance is just bad dance music. That's… What if edifice breaks for a daily regimen of Letterman? What if RUN, FALLON, RUN! I'M ATTACHED TO A KITE I HAVE NO CONTROL OF THIS. WELL, WHAT IS IT ATTACHED TO?! YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW! —NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONON AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Look, It's Meryl Streep! Holy shit, Meryl Streep is hot. What.(I can't keep secrets>) God doesn't keep good secrets. Just stop talking. Look, It's “My Bad Chad” Holyfuck Are you gonna have all those burned off too? Or can I do it for you? (might cost less) Jk Kim K That's a tough act to follow. Ariana? Nah, Backup; Had that. Meanwhile: Me in a hatchback Campin' at the Palisades. My name's the hammer –Adam ruins everything– I am not goin' starstruck –Adam Ruins Everything– My name's the Hammer (I'm a hammer, damn) –Adam Ruins Everything– I love showbiz But I got hard work comin on Now pause:: I need a break Need to make money Now i get a two for one Two for one Hate me or love me Either way, I'm gonna show up, Blow up, Glow up, And fuck off I'm a lost cause Cause I lost God On a talk show The way the camera moves makes me nauseous virtual reality And everybody's mad at me for Jimmy Fallon's Galaxy Conan “snowball” O'Brien But why's he called that. Shh! Not Yet. Oh, you are so overdone and fucked right now! Shh! My mom might be listening. Like she's never heard the word ‘fuck'? Shhhh! MOM I heard that! See! She said she heard it; she didn't say stop it. Well stop it. Fuck me man! SHH. KNOCK IT OFF. Yes Mrs. Mason Who the fuck is Mrs. Mason. Come on, white america; Put me on late night I promise you I'll watch more hallmark artists Than all of them Every day over here is a suit and tie function Camera one? YOU DONE FUCKED WITH US FOR THE LAST TIME. Ah shit. lol . whart is thrus. Fucking–magicians or something. Freemasons. F– Alright. Where is he? Where is who? You know who! What? Donaghey!!!!!!!! Lol Alec Baldin is like 200 years old. *cackles too hard, falls over and dies* Yikes. JACK DONAGHEY enters from a Parallel dimension and sees ALEC BALDWIN'S CORPSE. …Huh. Who's this handsome son of a bitch, I wonder. Don't wonder too hard. We gotta find that court order and get out of here. What court order [Cort hors d'oeuvres] what. I don't know. It almost kind of rhymed with corpse and wonder and I'm still stuck writing in cadences. What for! Oh wow, the neighbor was really a plant forreal. STOP SLAMMIN THAT Yo fuck this. Waht the fuck am I supposed to do with all this information. [appearing entirely out of nowhere, as always.] JIMMY FALLON I told you to burn it. OH MY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST. STOP DOING THAT. I can't. That's– Apparently what I do. WELL GET OUT OF HERE. Wish I could. Strapped to a kite. THEN HOW ARE YOU STANDING HERE? WHAT? I'm learning a lot of things up there! UP–WHERE! Up yours. WHAT. *poofs* UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate him. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. I hate this. TINA FEY Fuckit, he hates himself. Lets just assume. No, that's it. That's the singularity. What. It can't– He's just so confi— That's the singularity. [everything ploofs back to normal] See. I win. FUCK. ARE YOU SERIOUS!? I'M YOUNG AGAIN. i”M YOUNG AGAIN. [The entire cast stares at their returned to period-accurately aged cast mate; He appears so confident and wise, however–just a glint of insecurity falls over him–this indeed was the singularity; rather than to risk all of time and space defrabicating for a third and albeit final time, they rain down on their castmate, with the angry hellfire of a gregorian mob, urging him to GO LOVE YOURSELF. Long Night at work, or just Shoo fly, don't bother me– I'm more caught up on the Rudolph Storyline, How it's some mystic But I missed it With the lip stick And the vintage this and thats Person Welcome to Hogwarts, Of course, It's your funeral God bless the illuminati All I see is– NOT IT. IT WASN'T ME. I DIDN'T DO IT. JLO BITCH, STOP TALKING. Woah, What the FUCK JLO. JLO WHAT IN THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY? I–wh– Wait… Fallon? SHHHHThhHHHTHhhTHHHH!! Give me one bet Died inside Who's doing which thing God bless these envies! Gie me one shot Now who am I?Ace in the hole? I died inside. Don't break the barrier Don't run the wall Don't be the villain Fall, JImmy, Fall. To float, or to fall Or to walk away To shop at the mall Or to bet it all on Fall on And I tell you to jump, you jump! And I tell you to move, You move! And I tell you to movie, You movie! And I show you the blue OH GOD. Gimmie the binoculars! No, you don't wanna see What! Why not! HE MOONED ME. I got three of a kind Three of a kind Three of hearts Two of diamonds HAH. I DOn'T LiKE THIS. Fuck off, The Ace. And very kindly, Go fuck yourself. Four aces, Four aces A mindfuck for the both of us An open book And shotglasses And fans of ours Its good to laugh At the ones you love Love Love Love Love It's showbiz, It's showbiz; I love it I want to die. I love it I love it I missed the bar I fucked up somewhere. Don't look back in anger, Or don't look back at al. Fall, Fall, Fall Fall Fall Love Love Love Love Love Love Did you notice I haven't looked back. I put you up on a– Up on a Up on a pedestal Then remembered To forget it all, In indifference Foraged your signature Sorry, I don't want a lot of hawk-a-loogie clock-the-woman knockdown, dragout drama I got a feel for it. What if all your forfeitures were fortunes All your donuts turned subordinates To astronauts Or fake dreams for fak streams and dreaming of Don't bother me I'm on poverty I want walks on the beach and blue bunny ice cream sundaes I've got a whole city Marked off in my journal For frozen custard and Lost in a thought, are we? Trust me, I think I died. Trust me, I trusted the God of Mercy Trust me I went all the way to the burden, Bought a hammock And then worked harder than nobody No dropped calls from mother No one's home at all Work harder I thought Sweater Weather was my new DJ name, But as it turns out, It was my telepathy ringing me I rode to the top of the rock with the beatlesI didn't mean for it to be me But i was twice out of body, Once out of mind. Now give me a minute Please. Let me become indifferent Don't need no friends, Long roads Roundhouse kicks to the face Hard rolling baggage Heart shaped boxes Or Prophets Don't need dozens of roses don't need diamonds Do need dinosaursDo need phone numbers do Do do . –but don't– don't don't. When i fall in line I write books and poems, songs And suffer, slugger . This is what I struggled with– who paid the neighbor bitch to feed me the whole special And slam doors On my mental That shit struck a chord And rubbed me the wrong way But i'm humble I won't touch nobody's Body at all. Nobody's. Now my dreams make sense, kind of But why are these my dreams And not actual people and most of all What does it mean? That I'm equal to? Or lesser than? Like the emerald stone on Sir Paul McCartney's hand, I went green for a moment It's just banter.I'm just having a hard time (I can't sing in this apartment)I might need a band I might need a bandaid. I might need a bath Some peroxide and hair dye My heart's broken I'm having a hard time But still not struggling I might have a hard time But not as hard as the afterparty was, And I struck gold. Kept walking Roll dice. Four of a kind, Four kings, four aces Four of a kind, Four kites, And a night owl The Rock and the Kite, Part V STEFON It's this thing where… {Enter The Multiverse} –and that's why I wished my mom a happy birthday. [The Festival Project ™ ] Damn, the illuminati really showed out for the oscars this year. CONAN SHHHH. He even says “I Am” Then commands the stage Look at all those long legs Now we're on enclave or conclave? I don't know. I'm feeling more ravey. Tears of a Clown Nobody to save me Not even shug avery. Who? That's right? Now i'm feeling more Broadway, baby. L E G E N D S: Manifest Destiny I wanna see the snake sitting next to you; Show me those eyes I love models and the lack thereof Inside of them I want to see the feral reptile Show me those eyesI love that she flies through life Right to you Right It's a boys club Boy they Really prize these Chappel Roans and Timothee Chalemet But where am I at? –Adam Ruins Everything– A couple forced fake laughs Cause I like highlights Stagecrafts Craftservices And god knows I can't write like this And I'm About To die [CONAN O'BRIEN leaves television to run a Bed and Breakfast in ORLANDO.] INT. BED AND BREAKFAST. ORLANDO. … [Calamity ensues] Conan killed the oscars, Stole the wand, The show and the bowtie (hostses with the mostest) –and that's why he's Snowball. No, i'm sure it's because my fur is fluffy and– Okay no more outdated rick and morty references Fine. Was that Dillon Francis behind Ben Stiller Or do I still just like white guys That much. Why do A-Listers like reptiles so much? Show me those eyes, you know I could use a good lunch (Birds of Prey eat snakes) {Enter The Multiverse} [The Festival Project.™] COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2018-2025 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. © -U.™ Episode Transcript: Yeah. Okay, this is terrifying. I haven't actually done this in it feels like way longer than it's been. In reality, it's only been like three like maybe three days, but it makes all the difference in the world. Hi. what's going on, I was just reminiscing about kitten mittens. Aw shit. I dropped my pen. If you remember if you're listening to this right now and you remember kittenman. congratulations, you've been with me since the beginning. um anyway, I don't know why I was just remembering that. kitten mittens. I thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. I really I might have been delirious. losing my mind at a certain point, but I thought kittens was the best thing in the world. It was at the time. I was like I couldn't think of anything better. Then again, I was uh I don't know, I was discovering many hilarities. excuse the idiots in the back, they are idiots. um and they and they do this based on whatever I'm doing in my apartment. I'm their god. Anyway. I'm excused the background noise is still gonna be a a little bit uh while we're dealing with that, but at least you can help me collectively consciously remove them from existence entirely, um with the help of you know a collective existence we can get rid of evil. I don't I don't entirely. I'm not sure. I think that it would take a lot of people to understand that like a lot of it is just a game. I think it would take raising the entire consciousness of like people as a whole for them to understand that like, most of it is for entertainment and based off perceptions. So, like, whatever you' idea for the world is, like it was your idea. Whatever's making you upset is it was your idea. So I'm kind of coming to like terms with that in my own, like sense. I'm like, oh, yeah, like, whatever is happening, I'm like a certain like at the surface level is wrong, but like on a grander scale, like I programmed this into my reality for whatever purpose in order to better suit my, like ideal reality. That's, you know, that's that's it. I can't attribute it to anything else. They're idiots, cause I'm idiots. Anyway, what else is going on? I don't know, I was I'm gonna try and do this off book. I think I do have like I have some notes, but like I don't like the way that it feels when I'm going off of my notebook because it feels like robotic. It feels really, you know, like and not necessarily rehearsed, but it's it feels planned and when I listen back to the episodes where I do go off of like notes or something like that, I don't like the way that it sounds. Hearing myself back, going from a going going from like a script. And so I try to keep it like 100% improvisational and it keeps it fresh. and honestly, honesty goodness, I haven't been on the Peloton for like more than 15 minutes at a time since I stopped doing these episodes. I don't know what it is about the sound of my own voice, but maybe it's the fact that like, I'm in performance mode and I'm giving you guys like I'm in, you know, I'm like in my radio voice and then I'm watching back like a performance of myself in order to like, I don't know. It's like it's like experiencing myself for the first time secondhandedly because I'm not necessarily not thinking about what I'm saying, but I'm also not thinking about what what I'm saying or how I'm saying it as I'm saying it. And then, you know, sometimes I just really like even on my hardest days, sometimes I make myself laugh the very most, and I'm like, okay, there's another reason to keep doing it. Because for the most part, I'm like I don't wanna do this anymore, it costs me too much money and it's not. Like, I'm not a clut person. I'm just not a clout guy. I don't like doing stuff for clout, cause clout doesn't pay the bills and clout doesn't clout doesn't necessarily get you jobs, like unless it's like the right person's clout. Like, you get have clout from a million people, and if none of those million people are the well, a million is kind of where they drive line. Like if a million people are like, yeah, this is the shit, then it might get you a job. But like a million is probably the minimum number for that. Like if you don't have a million followers or you don't have a million views or you don't have a million of anything of just like clout like it doesn't pay bills. So I'm not a cloud person. I'm not just gonna do whatever off clout. What did I get off that on that clot rat for? I don't know, what was I saying? Oh, I'm going off book. I'm off. script. Anyway. what can I remember from things that I wrote down?, I don't know. I've been reading a lot. I've been, you know, doing doing the best that I can. I've been well, I've been reading. I've been reading children's books specifically because I'm finding information. Well, first of all, I picked up these children's books with the hope that I would be the owner of a small library and I'm not. I'm actually putting a lot of the books back into like society, which is fine. I'm just downsizing. It's actually helping me feel a lot better. Like my head is a lot clearer, my studio. My studio for for the first time in a long time was like a place that I can that I feel like I want to work. and it was the weirdest thing because I went through like a year of just like collecting whatever book I saw, like whether it was just like on a stoop, like I, you know, for whatever or out of the little free library or like just wherever, because books are everywhere in New York and that's probably my favorite thing hands down about New York is that like wherever you go there are books and they're free and you can pick them up. But I'm also very sensitive to energy, so as like an energy worker and a transmuter, it became congested to the point where it's like, okay, there is like a certain type of energy that's not that's foreign to me and as much cleansing and as much like, you know, whatever, as much, you know, in any kind of, you know, like spiritual work I was doing, there's an energy here that I'm not necessarily comfortable with. And I realized every time I picked up a book, I fell into like a certain type of world, you know, and it wasn't just like whether the book caught my attention from just like the cover or whatever, and then I decided to flip through it or whether it was like a book that I was stuck in, I was falling until like a certain energy or a certain world and that every book had a certain energy to it. And so I realized after a year of collecting hundreds of books that I had literally hundreds of energies, like floating through my space and it became like hectic and it became heavy to the point where I was like, like, I don't necessarily want to hold on to all these things. and so it's it's been really rejuvenating. I've been going through a time of just like not necessarily like I know I have a lot of stuff to do. but one of the stuff to do is is like going through all of the things that I know that I need to like let go of in order to feel better. And it has been helping me feel better. It has for the most part, I'm still doing a lot with like my energy recovery and the noise here has a lot to do with it. I'm now like I now have anxiety to the point where I have like a consistent nauseum. like every time I hear like any kind of motor, like I get sick and now it's it's actually getting worse the longer that I've stayed here with the noise, it's like I now have like an upset stomach all the time, headaches twitches. It's the it's the most fucked up thing ever. and I've also been learning more about because I'm, you know, still still really focused in my music and so frequencies and, you know, like I've always been like a huge believer and like layered frequencies for healing, like sound healing, beta thick alpha, and and the whatnot, but I finally caught onto a piece of information that made me realize how the noise outside has affected my brain chemistry and not just in the way that it's like it's annoying or it's a nuisance or it's harassment, which it is all of those things, according to the law, but in a sense of what's happening to my brain chemically, like the chemical changes that are happening in my brain, or the frequency changes that are happening in my brain are actually the things that are making me more upset than loss of sleep, or, you know, like a disruption or disorganization of my mind or my daily habits. The thing that's making me the most upset is what I'm realizing is it's changing my frequency, and I'm not talking about just my my aura I well, I am in a sense, but like the frequency, the frequency differences that that your brain your brain goes into different frequencies during, you know, waking state, alha state, better state, you know, and when you're sleeping, you're in um I well, it depends on the person actually, and it depends on the type of sleep that you're getting. Like most people sleep and like a data state from what I'm understanding and this is the state of like conscious dreaming. And this is this, I could be incorrect because honestly, I layer them anyway. And I finally I finally did it. I I did. I' I was working on a song and I realized that I achieved like perfect theta without actually even meaning to. And I think I did another one and that was like in perfect gamma without even like it was just mixed perfectly. that it I was also listening to like a gamatone and then I realized I was like, wait, is that the song or is it the tone? Because, you know, if the if the frequency that you're listening to is pure enough, it will actually distort the bass or the, you know, it will distort the entire sound of whatever you're listening to. So sometimes things can sound warped or like they're waving or like they're going through something because those tones are kind of like they're they're moving against each other or with each other just kind of depends. And so what what has been, well, I wanted to finish, well, yeah, I think I have at least one song now that's in theta, and I have at least one song that's in gamma, completely. and and I and I shocked myself because I was listening to the tones and I was like, wait, the wait a second. like, I'm feeling like double here. Is this this song that I'm listening to, that I'm checking back the mix, or is this the the frequencies? And I I turned off all the frequencies and sure enough, it was the song. It was like a pure I was like, wow. I'm like that's an achievement. I did it completely by accident and I wish I knew the formula that I used to do that.c some people are so mathematic about it. Like some people are so uh like, you know, some people do this to their music. A lot of people, especially inass music, that's why it is the way that it is, is you're going to a show to get these frequencies like zapped into your body at at full forces. and some people know how to do it on purpose. I did it on accident, so I'm like, if I can continue to achieve at this but I'm trying to figure out like the mathematical equation or like the actual sonic equation for making this happen, like every time, because going through my history ofass music, I will finish in a second, going through my history of bass music, I have always gravitated to the to these frequencies, to the frequencies that make me feel better after a certain amount of time listening to them or a certain amount of time being in in that frequency. So that's this is the music that has, I guess subconsciously kind of for the kind of artist that I am. But this is the reason why I'm upset about the noise. like the most upset about it, like not even on a legal level, on a social level, on a moral level, like, no, this is actually morally wrong, it is morally wrong on so many fucking levels. I'm like, why are you so like, why obviously I did this on purpose, like in my God complex, I'm like, oh, well, I can better the community as long as I make a point, like that environmentally, this is damaging people. It's giving people mental illness, that it or like if they're predisposed to mental illness, it's even worse, but it's it's also like causing mental illness and people that are otherwise healthy people, which is not a lot of people in New York City given. It's just not. It's not a healthy place. A lot of people are not healthy. But even in like moderately healthy humans, this noise disruption can cause like brain changes and chemistry changes, and this is the reason why I'm so upset is because when you are sleeping, if you are sleeping, your brain is in a certain level that is like in a healing state. In the first few minutes that you wake up, as I understand it. In the first few minutes after you wake up, your brain is in a state that it can like that you can manipulate your entire environment, that you can change things, that you can heal yourself. And so when I'm waking up in the first few minutes in the very first thing that I hear is a motorcycle that's ripping through my fucking brain, it's changing my brain frequency from a frequency that is like at the at the at a human level or at any kind of level, kind of the the thing that makes every human capable of being a genius, not the genius level able to heal yourself and the frequency that you're able to heal yourself is what you automatically wake up in. So when you' when this frequency is interrupted, it's intercepted in immediately into a negative thought pattern. And so you immediately, so what's happening, what's been happening to me over the last year with the motorcycle nuisance harassment problem or whatever the fuck I don't care what it's called on paper. I just want it to stop like I just want to live in peace. It's not like and kind of having like coming from a a background where I kind of tend to have like take responsibility for myself, like oh, it must be something that I'm doing and yes, I also have like a higher god complex or like an ego if you want to call it, that's like, oh no, I must have done this on purpose. And you know, like in order for the greater good, like in order to fulfill my purpose in some sort of way, it must be it must be part of my process to have this. That's also my ego like I'm a god. like, you know, that's just me, that's the generation. That's the generation that I come from. That's our mindset. Like nothing happens in this world without me in it, period. That's why rappers are rappers and that's why that's why models are models. We all have egos and it's really hard to kill the bitch. I've had at least ten ego dusts throughout my fucking like existence and it still comes back. It doesn't matter. You can have an ego death and be like a completely ego list for like what, six months tops? Eventually you're gonna have like the ego is is is imp important to survival, because I lost the word. I think implemental what was I gonna use? I was definitely a for syllable word. Either way, it is you need it. Like if you if you oh, you know, people might describe people, like being in like a in a sense of humility as like, oh, just completely without ego, but like at the end of the day, like, no, like your ego allows you to actually like compensate with the rest of the world, like, most people do not have no ego entirely, or at least for like, like a week after your acid tri or whatever, yeah, like, oh, had ego death and I completely. But like within I swear to God, like within six months time, like your ego has at least minimally like repaired itself. That's what an ego does, that's why you have it. You have it. It's a survival. It's it's a part of your consciousness that has to do with survival if you don't have your ego, like you're pretty much dead in the world, especially the way it is now. Anyway, this is that that's going to probably close up my spiel on that. Yeah, I'm upset because instead of like the first few moments of my waking moments being a healing, time, it is immediately going into disarray and chaos and anxiety. And so in in so I'm losing like, I don't I don't really care about oh, I mean, like I care about life in a sense, but I mean, like, and it in a mortal sense. I like, yes, it's taking years off of me. and I feel it like in the way that it's like, I I am slower to do regular things or like, whatever my rising thoughts, might be are completely just destroyed by this like what I've what I've come to perceive is like an evil force. It is evil in so many levels again this breaks down from like a higher consciousness to like a lower state of consciousness. The lower state of consciousness is saying that like these people are just idiots. They're idiots and they are not self aware of the fucking like pollution that they're doing on kind of middle sense, I'm like, oh, it's politics, it's like gentrification if these guys run around in circles, then people call up the fucking place, the place gets fucking more allocated funds to their fucking police officers, the police officers have fucking filling their quotas. It's all bureaucracy and paperwork and politics on that middle level and on the highest level it is like no, this is evil, it's pure evil because people are so grossed out by the fact that fucking New York is New York and also the wage and income and quality factor is that this guy is doing whatever the fuck he has to do brown. He's doing well, not that guy. that guy's that guy's a weak dick motherfucker. He has a small dick and everybody in the neighborhood knows it. He drives around and circle making people miserable. He also I'm it's the same dude. that same dude followed me to the Trader Joe's. It's the same dude, so I'm like, I like I know the sound of his bike from anything, so I definitely know when I'm at the Trader Joe's and then he's like all of a sudden traffic like, I'm like yo dude like why the fuck you following me to Trader Joe's like I live four miles away, which is not that far on the fucking motorcycle, but I came all the way over here on the subway for you to follow me on your bike. week, dick, bro.way, like, fuck this, fuck this, fuck that guy, fuck this neighborhood, fuck this place, fuck these politics, fuck these people. On a low frequency. Like on a low frequency, I'm like, fuck all this, like on a high frequency, I'm like, there's a purpose or whatever, it'll work, is temporary, blah, blah, blah. What the fuck was I saying? I don't know. I what the fuck was I ranting? I don't know. I that's that shiel, right? Trader Joe, hello Trader Joe. It's not safe. No, but you know, oh man, let's you say I, whatever. Let's just say oh, whatever. a lot. What else do we got? I don't know. I put on an album that came out today, yay, it's called all the rage. Actually, all that all that gripe about like, oh, it's an EP when I'm sure that the stores are gonna call it an album. I was like, I'm sure it's gonna be an album, so I just started calling it an album. like the release comes out and they're like, it's an EP, you congratulations. So I I thought I was putting out an album, that I was an EP, but it just missed the cutoff her album, because technically you can have a six track album and if it's over 30 minutes. If and you can have a six track album that's an EP like this, all the range is technically an EP at least according to Spotify's standards. And it's, I think it's like two and a half minutes under I think it's like 2 and a half minutes under, so it's an EP, but it's six tracks and I'm really excited about it. I kind of put a little bit more promotion into it than usual. I even had some press done, and that's great. because you can get pressed done. They're like,Yo, for $500. You'll be famous tomorrow. I'm like, that fucked up. That's a paycheck for some people. and that's not famous. also. They're charging people to be like spectacular. Well, they're charging they're like charging for people to be like popular, which is I think it's wrong, like ethically, you shouldn't be able to do that, like, oh, no, you're gonna get on all the playlists and whatever, you're gonna have like all like you should not be able to sell followers, like whether they're real people, which is slavery or they're robots, which is also slavery. Like you should not be able to sell fame that's making it like now I don't even trust like, okay, like this person got an award, but like, okay, because because the album was popular, because it was better than all the other ones. Or like, how do you know that you even heard all the albums because there are so many, and that like, okay, this person who put like zero dollars into promotion, how do you know that album wasn't better? because you didn't hear it? Because the person with a million dollar ad campaign won the fucking won the fucking award? Because you heard it because they put a million dollars into the fucking promotions. So it makes it makes everything the fact that everything is on a level system that's based on money is completely unfair. Like the all the industries are broken, it's not just music. Like, it's not just music. I'm like, holy shit, like you could spend like a year, an average year salary, which is what's the median income now. even with like no adjustment for inflation, like what, $50,000? Okay. So you could spend $50,000 on your your career so you'd have to you'd have to do that. That's even you're still competing with people who have a million dollars for doing nothing. That's insane. Anyway, I'm not bitter. What the fuck did I do earlier that I wasn't that literally the spirit that was like, don't be salty. I was like, oh, I was like,Yo, stop teaching models to fucking DJ, because I I happened on this girl that was like, yo, like I actually liked some of her music. I liked some of her music, but she wasn't doing much. And like everything was just fake. It was like super duper fake, but she was mad gorgeous and like more of these girls are popping up out of nowhere that are like not they're like models that are barely touching the decks and they're like a march. I'm like yo, dude, if that girl made this music like okay, maybe I should see her, but like, I'm like no somebody goes produce this because like she's moving badly in time to it and I realized something about being a producer is like yo if you spent enough time actually crafting this like this piece, you're not gonna move like badly to it like you're not going to move weird to music that you made because it's in you like it came from in your body. So like, I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at and I'm like, oh, I'm looking at propaganda. But then like, isn't that just kind of like discouraging people who don't have that type of body type or mindset, but it was funny because the algorithm was like don't be salty. It was like DJing is for everybody and if that's your passion and I'm like yeah, if that's your passion, but like, yo, when what where is the line between like propaganda and passion? Like, oh, I'm already a successful like, multimillionaire fashion model, but like I'm gonna be a DJ, like it washes out all the people who have actually like put in the work. It washes out all the people who have actually put in the work. Don't be salty. I was like fine, fine, but only because I like that algorithm. Only because I like that algorithm. I'm like fine, okay, we'll we'll be whatever. Whatever I've been reading. Oh, I read a book, let's see, let's see if I can remember the ones I already put back. I've been reading these uh this like children's book series on like famous people because I realized that they're written for children and I'm like, yo, dude, like somebody could read this whole series in the second grade and be smarter than me because I didn't know anything about the people that I'm reading about at all. And so they're like these little biographies. Well, I mean, they they're on a child's level. I don't know how long it would take a child to read, but they take me like an hour, hour and a half to read just like at a normal speed. And I read really fast. But I think the reason why from taking me so long to read them is because I actually take like a lot of I take a lot of like, I don't know, words or art to me, so if something is like especially musical, I might take it and be like that's a good song title. Like, if I think enough about this and what I know about this, like what kind of song is it? And, you know, just like little fun facts. Like first of all, I'm obsessed with George Lucas. I've never been a huge Star Wars person, just and I I realizing this. I've never been being on like Star Wars wicked. like, I've never been being on things that are like really, really big, but then I did grow up and kind of like a sheltered shut community where like most of the people like twilight, I wasn't hungerames, aylys Cyrus, well Hannah Montana at the time, okay? I just wasn't into those things, but most mostly because they're fans, actually, she just put out something that I kind of piqued my interest. It was in my fucking sl side bar. I was like, oh, no, what's this? I'm I might check it out. But I've been staying off the mainstream just cause I'm realizing like the reason that I'm seeing this is money and doesn't necessarily make it better or worse than anybody else. Because sometimes mainstream artists come out with crap and I think they do it on purpose, they're like,Yo, watch this. I can do whatever because so many millions of people love me, watch this. I'm like, damn. And then millions of people are like, yay, yes, yes, this. I'm like, the fuck? What did you do? And I'm pretty sure the mainstream artist is like consciously, even collectively like, you see what I'm saying? I can do whatever the fuck.c I did one thing cool, maybe like five things cool, like a long time ago, and literally don't have to do anything else. I just do this just to prove a poil. Like, I can shit on a track, literally. And millions of people will be like, I love you. I love you, please more of those. do it again. I'm like, oh, God, please, no. What the fuck? Millions of fans. Like once you have your fucking fan based unlock, like that's it. Like, you don't have to fucking people will be like, literally kissing at all of the ground that you touch for the rest of forever forever. That's it. I'm realizing that about fantom, so I'm like, yo, if you know what kitten mittens are. I'd still don't, but if you if you know kitten mittens, congrats, you're one of 12 people who actually like me. one of 12. I'm like 12 is enough. That's what Jesus had, right? might as well and Jesus technically have like 11 I don't know why I like that guy so much. I'm pretty much obsessed with him, too. I love Jesus. I'm like, Jesus is the god kind of I mean, like he's technically like three gods. anyway, why am I obsessed with uh George Lucas? First of all, he's one of the coolest people ever, Kate, like, okay, first he was a greaser, like a real greaser. like from the movie Grease, but like the actual thing before the movie Grease, cause if I if I'm not mistaken, he was like a greaser before they made Grease. That's crazy. Yeah, because Gre was like in the 70s, but it was about the 50s, right? I don't know. He was like an actual real life, like they just put Vaseline, I guess in their hair and wore like dirty shit and they were like, yeaheah, greaser. and they w and they fucking drove and they drove, what did they drive? I don't know, cars, old cars, and they would race them. I that was honestly I'm obsessed with this dude. I and now I kind of want to see Star Wars because I've never seen them. But honestly Star Wars is one of those things that, oh, that's what I was saying. God, yeah, well, yeah, I like grew up not liking Star Wars because all the people that liked it were mean. Like all those other things I named earlier in the episode. Like they're fans sucked, so I was like, I definitely cannot see myself getting into this. And so I never did, but now I'm well, as happy as I am being single. I save certain things for like just a case. I ever get in a relationship. I'm like Star Wars. I've never seen that. Like I saved certain things for like you know, like I wouldn't necessarily want to watch it by myself. I think I'd get geeked, though, now, now that I understand, like the kind of person that created Star Wars, I'm like, yo, dude, like he's the shit. Like, okay, first of all, okay, if I did the math, secondly, no, cause the first of all thing was like, he's a greaser. That's the coolest thing about George Lucas. Yeah. I mean, like I mean, like there was so many cool things. I had to take notes, I had to stop. I was like bending back pages, I was like, all this dude's the best. Okay. I was like,Yo, okay, whatever. Like, uh, oh, well, that was one of the last things I read. If I did the math right, this dude has like a 12 year old. He's older than my dad. My dad's pushing 80. I'm like, is he 80? He's like 80 with a 12 year old. That's incredible. That's I have so much respected admiration for that. Because it kind of proves my point that like if you're dude, you can just like keep on popping them out, popping them out. But he also like adopted kids, I think. Yeah, yeah. And he also like adopted kids. was at him? Yeah. Yo, I'm telling you there's so much practice into these little books. I'm like, okay, whatever, what else is cool. I don't know, he just seems he just seems like the dude just seems like the dude. I was likeYo. I I can't remember all the notes I took, but those those two things alone. I'm like, yeah, I earn my respect. I did write down a quote earlier that was like, what did he used to say? oh, do that again but better? I'm like, yeah, that sounds that sounds accurate. And then I liked the fact that like all his worlds within his worlds are like connected, so he'll leave Easter eggs within worlds of different Indiana Smith. He really liked the name Indiana because I guess he had a dog named Indiana, which was named after somebody else that was named Indiana. And I had no idea that Indiana Jones was like his brainchild or like close to it. I was like, whoa, this dudees are fucking legend, like a real like an actual, like this dude's a G for George Lucas. He's the best. I was like, yeah, dude. I could not put that book down. I was like sitting in cold bathtub water like, oh my God, this is such a pain turner. I gotta read about this dude until the very end of this book and I did. I would not put it down. I was like, George Lucas is the man, bro. like the man, I don't like like, yo, cool dude. I like that guy. I've never seen Star Wars. I have, I've seen like the beginning. It's like in the time, blah, fucking blah, blah, fucking talk. Yeah, and then I started writing my own movies, you know. It's not that any of them, you know, as whatever, you know, sometimes it's circumstance, sometimes sometimes I' just realize that I make excuses. Like I have no reason not to be as successful as any of these people that I'm reading about, because I'm finding personality traits about myself as I'm reading about them, like Albert Einstein Total Duis. He might have been like like functionally retarded. I'm pretty sure he was retarded, but also a genius. Like like, oh, okay, this is the coolest thing about Albert Einstein are we done inukas never, never. He's immortal, right? We'll see him at some point. He's so cool. He's so cool anyway. I was like, yeah, dude, this dude is cool. But there's that's the Alb Einstein, my man, okay, so like, slowly almost solely responsible for the invention of the Adamah. That's dope. On accident, though, because once he realized what had like once he realized that, okay, like, okay, I'm correct about this. For sure, I'm definitely correct about this, but like, yo okay, should we back up a little bit? First of all, he didn't say anything until he was like four. Didn't say anything, not a not a single word, his parents were like,o, something's wrong with him. Like even back in the day where it's like, uh don't know. Something's wrong with him. He's not saying anything. The doctors were like, he's perfectly fine.'s fine. And he didn't say anything his entire life until one day, apparently, he sat down to dinner with his parents and the soup was too hot, and that's what he said he's like the soup is too hot. Like, could you imagine, like having a kid that you're like 100% sure is retarded? Oops, nope, you can't say that. Okay, well, you could. Then so let's just shouldn't I just cancel you can't say that. Why, though? Like, okay, when I was growing up, you have to understand I come from a time where it was like you could just call that to somebody cause they were being dumb, but not dumb, right? But I mean like at a certain point, like, okay, technically Helen Keller was deaf dumb and blind, but like sometime and I'm assuming like between the 70s and 80s, it became a slang for like that's dumb. Like, don't do that because whatever you're doing is not right, which is like, okay if you're not right, then you're what? Retarded. Like, I'm sorry. I'm like some certain things are not going to be like, I'm, you know. I'm like early 2000s game or culture, that's gay, but I love gay. It's like nobody's being derogatory about that. I'm being derogatory about your behavior and I might even use it as like a positive you know what's what describing words or adjectives? I don't know. I'm going through. I'm going to processes realizing that like, okay, I'm at the age where certain information is gonna be offloaded. Certain like it's not coming back ever. Like, you like, I I know Spanish, but only if I have to speak it and it's not like, I'm not developing any other nothing else is like my brain is like, we don't need this, do we? I'm like, I don't know. Maybe I should hold on to that. No, no, we don't need this. I'm like, okay, well. there are certain things about me that are just not gonna change at this point. I'm not sorry, because honestly, weren't too offended at everything when, like, there're there are things that are offensive that nobody really is offended about. like, if you really found an offensive, it would not exist anymore, you know? Because when somebody becomes really passionate about something, and they change it. Which is why I'm taking my time. I like, youo, annihilation is imminent. Like this cannot be anymore. Like, you don't change my brain chemistry. Fuck that shit. my brain chemistry is perfect the way that it is. Like I'm almost sure that like the entire mental health industry will change based on ideals that are like blooming and other like in other what the fuck was I just saying exactly ideas that are already springing up in in small circles. like they'll, you know, be one day. Like that's just valid, like nothing's really wrong with you. something's wrong with the world. Like, why? Like, and what can we do to change that? It could be environmental completely. It could take somebody with like severe mental health issues, severe schizophrenia, severe bipolar disorder, severe fucking severe depression, severe anxiety and change their environmental factors or even just like change the fact that that like they're facing poverty, poverty is a mental illness and that's not what it's not looked at as such. It's looked at as a deficiency on the individual's part when it could be like and it could be a polethro of environmental factors. That'll change. It will in my lifetime. I know that it will. It may not be because of me because for the most part, I'm a pacifist. I really am. I'm a yoder, like, honestly, it has to be like visibly hurting someone else or hurting me painfully enough for me to be passionate about it to make it change. Like, I'm sorry, I'm not. I don't want I don't really want to be a leader, especially because like people are still like populating this planet. I don't necessarily I don't I don't wanna be like a a leader in anything because that is like that's too much power. Honestly, just let me play the music and then fuck off. And I will fuck off. Like if you think I talk too much or you find me annoying or you think I'm stupid like eventually I I disappear. That's it a self-reflective Go away, all right. I't have to be asked twice. I don't stay in places where I'm not welcome. So, New York it's been good. Are't not really. But somebody I thought okay, who else am I obsessed with? I love this new lady that I found. Her name is Gina something rather fucking amazing. I I love New York people because I love New York people. Like I really do. like it is well, it's hard to fucking there's a fucking oh, honestly, it could be simplified to this as like, okay, maybe this embraces like the new the New York feminine and what I really hate is the New York masculine, which is just toxic, just disgusting, like where I spinning on things, shut the fuck up, like, are you not self aware? Like it's it's certain level of and I'm not, I'm really not binary in the sense where it's like balanc, bro. like balance, like a little bit of everything is good and like half masculine, half feminine is like a good balance, non-binary embracing that. But like yo, dude, there's a certain rasculinity about the city that's the thing that makes it nasty. It was like, whoa. whoa. I'm like, that's nasty, but I was oh, okay, I'm in love with this person. Her name is like Gene or something rather. I'm still I still have like I no, I have no feet in the comedy pool cause like I realized I stopped performing comedy and I stopped writing it, and like all the like semi tragic possibility, like possibly hilarious situations that were happening to me when I was actively writing comedy just stopped. I was like good, I don't necessarily need to be in that right now. That's that has sailed and will probably later sink, but I don't want to be in there if like, okay, like you're funny, if like sad and bad shit happens to you all the time. I'm like, that's fucked up. I don't wanna be that guyc 50 years from now I could be that guy and like still not earn a penny more than I'm earning right now making music underground. So if it's if I had to choose between the two, I've already earned mastery in recording arts. 10,000 hours or more, like I don't necessarily like being a comic is like another ladder. It's another it's a thing. And honestly, when I stopped like, well, I mean, like I I took a break from tears of a clown because it became such a like passion project for me that I was like, oh, this is that I'm caring too much like I should stop. and still not finish and it's not it's not like, it never had a release date in mind, so it's not necessarily like what's it delayed? Yeah, it's not delayed, and it's not it's definitely not in hiatus, but like, I realized that I have a certain responsibility to my audience altogether. It like to do this show as well and so like this, there's been taking kind of a priority, knowing that like my hiatus has been longer than any other hiatus is, and that I owe it to like my homegrown audience and my weird coat following to like okay like I have to give you guys everything from fucking like November to now and just musically that's a lot but then I've also the writing has also accompanied it and so it would be a shame to just let that go entirely because I feel that like my actual, my actual fan base is here in this show, unfortunately, well, not unfortunately, because I've started to get like a sense of familiarity within the dance music scene, like, as a producer through this podcast as a medium, because when I started doing this podcast, like, it wasn't like people weren't generally like now people are doing like following my, what's it? format. Like people weren't really doing DJ mixes and like putting music on podcasts, like it just wasn't people weren't doing it. I was the only one doing it now everybody's doing it and it makes me want to do it less, but then also like I have to kind of show consistency with myself in order for me to feel like I'm still doing something. What was that rant about? I don't know. I'm obsessed with this lady name's Gina or something rather. She's super New York. What would she say? that I really liked? Oh, if you didn't know the rules before you got to New York, you you like if you came to New York and you're not having a good time, you probably didn't know the rules before you got here.rect. I didn't come here on purpose. This was my layover city. I came here by accident and I did not know the rules. Now I'm learning the rules and I'm like the rules are fucked up and rules are kind of meant to be broken if you're disturbing my peace, I will then disturb your peace. No, I will not. I do not believe an eye for an eye, and also I feel that you are dangerous people. I will then report you to the police and and make the proper documentation in order for it to stop. I'm a snitch. I don't give a fuck. Like if you're actually hurting me, like if you're changing my the way that I think and the way that I feel, like if you're making me sick inside of my own environment, like you deserve it. I'll give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give any kind of fuck. And then that way, I am a feminist, cause it's like, yo, dude, like how long are you gonna sit and take somebody hurting you before you actually realize that like you're not the problem they are and in order for their behavior to stop, you have to actually like you have to prevent this by stepping up for yourself. It's kind of like a show and like, okay, like like at a certain point it is kind of like a game. Like how long are you going to let me do this to you before you just fucking like get up and fucking hit me back? And I'm like, I don't want to like, I don't want to fight, but at the same time, like, bro, like I've been getting my ass whipped by these idiots and so I'm like, okay, I have to actually, but I'm still not a fighter. I have to do it in a way that makes sense and so that the community can be improved when I move on. Like I don't necessarily want to put somebody in the same place that I am now because I really am not I don't and just improve it. Like I believe so much in doing that, like not just leaving no trace, but like improving the place from which you are situated when you leave so that when the next person comes through, they don't have to struggle through the same hardship. So in that way, leadership, sure, be

Pour a glass, and fire up the ovens because this week we're toasting and roasting the host the who boasts the most intros! To celebrate AW's 40th Birthday (Say what?! *JFC*), we're joined by the Queens of British Theatre, Dianne Pilkington and Caroline Sheen as Mr JWags throws TnT's very first Comedy Roast! On this extra-EXTRA scorching episode, we review Savatage's Power of the Night (Apr 15th, 1985), before we 'Take Me Along' for a Broadway revival disaster (Apr 14th, 1985!) - and wonder which is the biggest disaster to come out of that time.Plus, we chat Mr. Burton, Dracula: a Comedy of Terrors, Re-writing Classics, hear an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek of Talk Musicals to Me- hosted by Caroline Sheen, and heaps more in this painfully funny episode!And special thanks to Jonathan X for his wonderful message!--SOCIALS--Caroline on IG: https://www.instagram.com/carolinesheen/Talk Musicals to Me on IG: https://www.instagram.com/talkmusicalstome/Dianne on IG:  https://instagram.com/dipilkyDracula Tickets: https://www.draculacomedy.com/londonMr J Wags: Twitter: https://twitter.com/MrJWags -- Instagram: https://instagram.com/MrJWagsSecond City NYC: https://www.secondcity.com/shows/new-yorkTnT/Bloop Networkhttps://www.thetonastontales.com/listen -- https://www.patreon.com/bloomingtheatricals - https://twitter.com/thrashntreasurehttps://linktr.ee/thrashntreasure*****Help support Thrash 'n Treasure and keep us on-air, PLUS go on a fantastical adventure at the same time!Grab your copy of The Tonaston Tales by AW, and use the code TNT20 when you check out for 20% off eBooks and Paperbacks!https://www.thetonastontales.com/bookstore - TNT20 ***** ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

1 weekend, 2 episodes, 3 guests, 40 years of living! And AW is LIVING to be joined by Pamela Bob! (Say what?! *faints*) To kick off Aaron's Birthday weekend, we give LA Guns a shot and dig up their 2012 album 'Hollywood Forever', before reloading and firing off on all cylinders about Annie Get Your Gun. Plus, we chat Little House on the Prairie, Living on a Prairie, Silence! the Musical, Pamela Anderson's Oscar snub, and heaps more in this hilariously warm episode!  --SOCIALS--Pamela: https://www.instagram.com/thepamelabob/ Cracked Open Tickets: https://crackedopentheplay.com/*****Juxtaposing Metal with Musicals - joined by iconic guests from the worlds of Music, Broadway, Hollywood, and more! https://www.thetonastontales.com/listen -- https://www.patreon.com/bloomingtheatricals - https://twitter.com/thrashntreasurehttps://linktr.ee/thrashntreasure*****Help support Thrash 'n Treasure and keep us on-air, PLUS go on a fantastical adventure at the same time!Grab your copy of The Tonaston Tales by AW, and use the code TNT20 when you check out for 20% off eBooks and Paperbacks!https://www.thetonastontales.com/bookstore - TNT20 *****   ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

On episode 282 of The AwardsWatch Podcast, Executive Editor Ryan McQuade is joined by AwardsWatch Associate Editor Sophia Ciminello as well as AwardsWatch contributors Dan Bayer, Jay Ledbetter, Josh Parham, and Karen Peterson to go back 10 years and take a look at the 88th Academy Awards, covering the films of 2015. The team take a trip back to just a decade ago where the Oscars were at a moment of reflection as the #OscarsSoWhite movement rang loudly as the nominations didn't fully show the diverse, talented artists that made the year in film so strong. Chris Rock (whose jokes this night would spark the later controversy for “The Slap” at the 2022 ceremony) hosted the ceremony and highlighted perfectly that the Academy had a long way to go to show the world that they can change and allow everyone the chance to be nominated and win an Oscar. For the telecast, it was a night dominated by Mad Max: Fury Road and The Revenant in the technical categories, Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar, a cool, shocking upset in Best Visual Effects, and Spotlight winning the top prize, along with just Best Original Screenplay, making it the first film since The Greatest Show On Earth to win Best Picture while only winning one other award. In their in-depth discussion, the AW team talked about the film year of 1980, briefly discuss talk about Spotlight as a Best Picture winner, do an extensive conversation over the below the line categories and nominees for the year, and then the new version of the AW Shoulda Woulda Coulda game, where instead of individual replacements, they must decide as a group who the nominees and winners should be in the top eight categories. The rules of the game state they can only replace two of the nominees that year from each category, except in Best Picture, where the group could replace up to four films to make up the final set of eight nominated films. Like past retrospective episodes, it was a fascinating, fun conversation including spirited debates, alliances, vote swinging, celebrating various movies, performances that aren't normally talked about and more that we all hope you enjoy. You can listen to The AwardsWatch Podcast wherever you stream podcasts, from iTunes, iHeartRadio, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Spotify, Audible, Amazon Music and more. This podcast runs 3h14m. We will be back next week for a review of the new A24 drama, Warfare, as well as talk about some of the best war films of the decade/century so far. Till then, let's get into it. Music: “Modern Fashion” from AShamaleuvmusic (intro), “B-3” from BoxCat Games Nameless: The Hackers RPG Soundtrack (outro).

Have you ever felt like you're always restarting your weight loss journey? Like one week you're super focused—you're doing A, B, and C—and the next week, you're thinking, "Ugh, this is so hard. I need a break." So you go back to eating how you want... but then the weight creeps back on, and suddenly you're right back where you started? It feels like you're stuck in this exhausting cycle—being so “on plan” that you burn out, taking a break to live your life, then feeling like you've blown it and need to start all over again. Why does it feel like weight loss is the only area of your life where you fall into that black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking? Today we're unpacking: Why perfectionism makes weight loss feel harder than it has to be How the "I have to start over" mindset keeps you stuck And what to do instead—so you can make steady progress without constantly hitting the reset button We're also going to address that sneaky sabotagey thought “I just want to be DONE thinking about weight loss.” Are you ready to stop swinging between “all in” and “all out” and finally find your groove?  Aw yeah, let's go!    https://confidentbody.coach/tips/ BOOK: You Are A Miracle   

He's an ADCC Trials winner, Polaris Professional Champion, and one of the top ranked grapplers in the world, Ash Williams, returning for his second appearance on the show. In this week's episode, the Welsh standout shared some insights into his recent training, the lessons he learned competing at ADCC in '22 and '24, and what it takes to build a long career in the sport. We also had an interesting discussion about the various rulesets, and what could be done to make the sport more exciting in the future, as well as much more.   Darce/Anaconda/High Wrist Guillotine Course: https://www.tomhalpinbjj.com/ (Use code '30off' at checkout to save 30% for a limited time!)   Guest Links:  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/awilliamsbjj/ AW x BJJ Flowcharts: https://www.bjjflowcharts.com/pages/ash-williams   Support and Connect: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tomhalpinbjj/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/TomHalpinJiuJitsu Podcast Website: https://www.insidepositionpodcast.com/ Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/47tXUZQ6EQfGRNZ9Ztm21V Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/fi/podcast/inside-position/id1555883209

Johan har varit på allsvensk premiär i Värnamo och parkerat slarvigt bredvid Axel Björnström. Anders vill ta en AW med AIK:s nya Head of Strategy. Dessutom: Hackspettsfotboll, allsvensk strategihets, Cibickis extraträning, Spelarbussfrossa, Värnamos speaker, engelskt finbesök i Göteborg, tyskt finbesök i Malmö och Johans misslyckade försök att nypa Offsides lagkaptensbindel. Bli Offsidemedlem – 0 kronor första månaden!

An April Fools Prank Goes Awry.By SilverFoxMullet - Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories .Spring break was just that, a break. My leg, actually.When I went home to Ottawa for spring break, I met up with a few of my old high school buds, and we took a day trip to the Quebec side for some skiing at one of the nearby hills, north of Ottawa. Mid afternoon, I hit a patch of ice and went down hard. It was quite a day for falls, as the hills were pretty icy this late in the season. I tried to get up, but my right ankle hurt like a bitch. None of my friends had stopped, as we were all falling a lot today, they just assumed I would get up and follow them."Aw fuck!" I groaned. I lay there in the snow for a few minutes, until someone slid to a stop next to me."Hey, are you all right?" the guy asks."No, I hurt my ankle. Fuck.""Don't move it, I'll find the ski patrol. Hang on." He skied away to get help.30 seconds later another guy stopped. Same question. "Hey are you all right?""I think I sprained my ankle. There was a guy here a minute ago, he said he'd send the ski patrol."The guy turned and looked around, then waved and yelled "Ici! Over here! Vien! Here they are."Two guys in red jackets stopped and asked what's wrong. This other guy said "Good luck!" to me, and skied away, as I recounted the fall and my symptoms. The ski patrol guys were great, they radioed for a stretcher and 20 minutes later they're loading me into an ambulance. The rest of the day was a lot of waiting, x-rays, and paperwork. The local hospital had a seasonal trauma unit for all the ski injuries, and they're used to dealing with the inter-provincial healthcare.I called my Dad, who said he'd fetch me from the hospital, then called my buddies who were still in the chalet'. He told them to go home without me. They commiserated and said they'd drop by my house tomorrow and see how I was doing.I eventually got a cast on my right leg. It spanned from my toes to my mid-thigh. I was issued a pair of crutches, and a whole ream of instructions (in both French and English of course) about what to do and what not to do. My Dad showed up somewhere during this tedious process and reassured me everything would be fine.We got home really late, after stopping at a pharmacy for pain meds, and stopping for takeout, damn I was hungry by then. I was asleep in minutes after I took one of those pills after getting home.Next morning, I had to take another pill, damn leg was throbbing like mad. I had to learn how to negotiate using the toilet with crutches, fuck, that's pain in the arse. Then I had to figure out how to shower. They gave me a shower bag for the cast but I couldn't get the damn thing on by myself. Mom was trying to be motherly (naturally) but I was way too embarrassed to be seen naked in front of her. My Dad was a trooper, he helped me with all the bathroom stuff, and I got my shower OK.I wasn't going to be able to drive for a while, so my folks said they'd drive me back to school in Toronto. I could come home by bus and get my car once I was able to drive. Great."Actually, if I could have my car on campus, one of my buddies could drive me around. None of the other guys have a car." Not that my rattly old car was much of a ride, but it got us from A to B."OK" my Dad says, "Your mother can drive you there, and I'll follow in your car, then we'll drive back together.""Awesome, sounds like a plan!"The rest of the day my parents helped me work out how to deal with the cast and crutches and take care of personal stuff by myself, like getting dressed, showering, shaving (yeah, ever try to balance on one foot to shave? fuckin hell), and using the toilet. My mom went shopping and bought me a bunch of baggy sweat pants, something that would go over my cast.My old friends dropped by with some hard coolers the next day, thinking it would cheer me up; but I had to pass on those due to the meds I was on. They laughed at me and drank it all, themselves. We all had a good laugh about my predicament, and they wished me luck at college. Gonna need it, eh?Then it was time to head back to school. I'd been texting and calling my buddies at school, told them the whole idiot story of my misadventures. They laughed at me big time, and of course they worried about their ride, what was gonna happen to my car? I told them about the arrangements and they were happy that it would still be available.The drive to school was really tedious, seemed to last forever, because it was so fricking uncomfortable to sit there with that stiff cast on. They got me and my stuff into my room in the dorm, and said their good-byes. I was so happy that I was on the first floor! No stairs here but there were stairs all over campus. Sure, there's elevators everywhere but I didn't know where most of them were.First order of business, I gotta pee after that road trip. I used the big accessible stall in the bathroom, that was great. Grab bars, lots of room, it really was made for this kind of thing. Easier than the bathroom at home, that's for sure.I was the butt of a lot of jokes and shit for the first few days, but otherwise it was fine. Down in the dining hall I spotted someone else who'd had a fun spring break. There was a girl with her whole arm in a cast, like from shoulder to wrist, with the elbow bent at 90 degrees. I wondered what happened to her. Skiing too I supposed. My buddies said we'd make a great couple and told me to go ask her out. No way, dudes, not gonna happen. I can't talk to girls, I always get freaked out and clam up.The end of March rolled around, and I still had weeks to go before getting my cast off. There was a party on Saturday night, and I was weaning off the strong meds by now so I could have a few drinks. My floor mates were getting me drinks, too; so I ended up having a few more than I would normally have. I was feeling buzzed by the end of the night.One of the guys suddenly showed up with a wheelchair. "Robbo! we got you some wheels, man!""Where'd you steal that from?" I asked, a little dubious about the idea of them scamming someone's chair."No No, totally not stolen, we got it for you from the Red Cross. It's legit, dude!""All right! Let's check out my new ride then!" I hopped over and settled into the chair. They adjusted the footrest out for me and one of them took my crutches, and they started wheeling me away. "Where we goin?" I asked."It's a surprise." says one of them, and then pull a pillowcase down over my head so I can't see where we're going. When I try to pull the covering off, they stopped me, and then the started grabbing my arms & duct taping them to the chair's armrests. We were outside by now, and I started yelling, until they taped the pillowcase tight against my mouth, to muff my yelling. Now I was getting pissed, but there's not much I could do, except literally ride this out.They laughed and giggled and make goofy jokes as they wheeled me around campus. EventuallyI had no idea where I am, and it suddenly strikes me that it was now April 1st. The alcoholic buzz is wearing off fast under the rush of my adrenaline and anger, and I wondered what kind of demented nightmare game they've come up with.I heard more laughing, girls this time, and they make whispered comments back and forth with the guys. I'm now in a building, but I had no clue where. My chair was pushed around some more, bumping into stuff, and then a body is dumped in my lap, then they yanked the duct tape off the pillowcase and I can again my mouth. The room is pitch black. The giggling and laughing is cut off by the slamming of a door, and everything goes quiet.I think there's a girl in my lap, or a small, really nice smelling guy with long hair. She's quiescent, asleep or passed out, pressed against my chest."Hey. Hey, wake up." I said.No response, she's just sitting there, draped over my lap. She's warm and breathing, so it's not a manikin or something. I wondered if she's okay.I started to shift a bit, can't use my arms because they're taped down, but I try to shake her awake with my rocking shoulders. It didn't work, and now I'm afraid that if I move too much she'll fall off onto the floor."Hey, uh, miss, wake up." louder. She's out of it. I turn my head to the side so I'm not yelling in her ear and holler "Hey, enough crap, let me out of here!" Silence reigns. Well, fuck. Now what?'Now what'. Then the fire alarm starts blaring. It startles the heck out of me, but still isn't enough to wake the girl.  I heard loud commotion in the halls for about 30 seconds, but then suddenly there is silence. Fuck, this is getting serious. What if it's a real fire? No, no way, it's April 1st now, gotta be a prank. I'll just wait for her to wake up, and we'll get out of here. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I began to see faint outlines of what is probably a maintenance closet or storage room.The alarm rings for an annoyingly long time. 15 minutes I guess, I dunno, but it seems interminable. And I need to pee now. When the alarm finally stops the need to pee gets more insistent. I shifted uncomfortably under the weight of my passenger. Her hip is pressed up against my groin, adding to the struggle of my urge to piss.More time passes, and damn, I gotta go bad, now. I'm gonna wet myself, and her too, if I don't get out of here right now. I've tried speaking to her, yelling, shaking her, and then there was another alarm that went on and on. She just isn't gonna wake up. Did those morons drug her or something?I'm desperate now. "Come on, sleeping beauty, wake up!" Sleeping beauty? Yeah, fine, I'll try that before I piss all over her. I think a girl would be slightly less angry about a stolen kiss than wet pants. So I seek her mouth. There was a little light coming in under the door, but suddenly that light went out, and only a faint intermittent light glowed. Oh, crap! That would be the emergency exit lighting. I eventually bumped my faced against her nose, then lowered a bit and kissed her, probably a little too hard for a wakeup smooch, cause I'm dyin' here, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee.She's got nice soft lips, really quite kissable, and I kinda wished she was awake and under different circumstances. I kissed her again, even harder. No response. I try again, this time I let my tongue do the talking, and I push into her mouth. Helluva way to experience my own first ‘tongue-kiss'. Finally, she stirred & turned into the kiss.Surprised, I pull back, and say "Oh thank god you're awake, help me up!"She startled, yelping at me, "Who are you?!""Help me, please, I'm gonna piss my pants! Untie me!"In the dim red glow of an exit sign I finally saw her face. She's kinda cute, not particularly pretty, and she has a cast on her right arm. It's the girl I saw in the dining hall a few times."Hurry!" I pleaded.She struggled off me, and stood. “Where the hell did you take me!” she demanded.I told her that we were both abducted by campus hooligans and locked in some storage room, but I didn't know which building. Then I said; “But I gotta pee right now and my leg is in a cast, and I'm bound to this wheelchair.She felt the tape on my wrists. It's slow going for her to undo the tape with her one weak hand, the way she's pulling at it, she's obviously not left handed.I'm not gonna make it, and I looked around. We're in a janitor's room or something. I spotted a stack of small waste baskets. "Quick, grab one of those buckets and put it between my legs."She's quick on the uptake, I'll give her that, and she grabbed the bucket for me. "Pull my pants down, hurry.""What? No!" she protested."Arrrrggghhh. Please, I'm gonna wet myself." I grind out through my clenched teeth.She reached out with that uncoordinated left hand of hers and fumbles with my sweat pants. I squirmed to lift my hips a bit to help, and the elastic waistband slipped down, exposing my tight briefs."You gotta help. Pull me out, aim for the bucket. Please?"I can see she's not happy with the situation, and she's fighting with her distaste at touching a man, a total stranger at that, in such a bizarre circumstance. But she perseveres, and that delicate hand fishes in my shorts for my cock. She paused momentarily as she made contact, then pulled my cock free. She picked up the empty bucket and aimed my ‘hose' toward the container.I groaned as I let loose. Oh god, finally! The relief was incredible. The poor girl was acting shocked as she dutifully aimed me at the bucket, and she even nudged the bucket a bit closer. I pissed on and on, holy fuck there was so much, and eventually I ran dry.Her disposition is no longer shocked, but instead she appeared to be curious."Oh thank you, you saved me so much embarrassment. You can put me back in there now. Thanks."She hesitated, and timidly tried to one-handedly stuff my cock back through the fly, and after a couple of clumsy tries I'm all set. And of course now my cock was growing fast in her hand, as I no longer had to pee, but there's a wonderful-smelling girl handling that most sensitive part of my anatomy. Something that's never happened before.That last drop of pee evidently got on her hand, and she looked a bit frantic now, "Ew" she says."Just wipe it on my sweats, it's OK." I told her, and she rubbed her hand on my inner thigh. That doesn't help with my ever increasing boner of course.She looked up at me, and her brow wrinkled. "Do you smell smoke?" she asked.It's my turn to be startled, and I looked toward the door. Oh Fuck, there's smoke coming in under the door! That alarm was real! Why wasn't it still going off? "Quick, help me get this tape off!" She started trying to pull up my sweats, but I say "No, leave that, just get me undone!"She started working on the tape on my left arm, and it took a few minutes to get me free. Working together, my right arm is unstuck in less than a minute. "Check the door." I told her as I looked around the room. No other doors, just shelves, a big sink, a floor pan for filling and emptying mop buckets, and stacks of boxes and stuff.She tried the light switch but it doesn't work. Great, my idiot friends probably unscrewed the light bulb. Then she tried the door. "It's locked!" she says."From the outside? Why the fuck would it be set up to lock people in? Sorry. I swear when I get nervous.""Is there really a fire, do you think?""I guess so, there was an alarm that went off when you were out cold.""What do we do?" She started frantically searching her pockets and said; "I can't find my phone!""I didn't even bring mine to the party. No pockets."The smell of smoke got stronger. I wheeled up next to the sink, and ran some water. Grabbing a package of paper towels, I ripped it open and dumped them in the sink. "Here, block up the crack under the door with these!"I handed her wads of soggy paper, and she knelt down to stuff them under the door. The smoke stoped coming in, thank goodness.  But now the room is black. "Now what?" she said.I shrugged, "I guess we wait and hope.""I'm scared." she said in a small voice."Come here, sit on my lap here. Oh, uh, maybe pull up my pants first." She helped me with that and sat on me. I think the gravity of the situation is now hitting her pretty hard, I know it's got me freaked out. She burrowed into my neck and wraps her good arm wraps around me. "We're OK for now." I tell her.I smelled her hair again, as she's crushed against me. Damn that feels nice. Shit, I don't even know her name. "I'm Robert by the way. Robert Green.""Suzanne. Suzanne Shelton.", she informed me."I'd say pleased to meet you Suzanne, but under these circumstances, maybe the sentiment should be I'm ecstatic to meet you. If I was by myself I would have pissed my pants and suffocated."She giggled, my goofy sense of humour somehow helped in this situation. "I'm glad to meet you too, Robert.""So how did you get here?""I don't know, I was at the dorm party and felt dizzy, then you were kissing me." She blushed again."Sorry about that, I tried to wake you for like 20 minutes, but you were really out of it. I finally thought I would try the sleeping beauty trick, and it worked. Did you drink something someone else gave you?""Oh. Shit.” She seemed to recall. “I think so. One of my floor mates gave me a coke. It must have been spiked?  I had to take some of my pain meds for my arm earlier tonight, it was bothering me. I keep trying to do too much with it all the time.""Oh, yeah, you don't want to mix booze or anything with that stuff, I know! Sorry about the pee episode. I really was going to wet my pants in another few seconds. Wet both our pants."She blushed and giggled. "I never saw a guy like that, like your, thing, before.""Wow. Okay, well, I never had a girl touch my co-, um, thing, before.""It changed when I was putting it away. Was that, um, like...'"Yeah, well, when a pretty girl touches me like that, I'm bound to get aroused."Her eyes went wide at that statement. "Oh" she said. She paused a few seconds, then put her head back on my shoulder. There was that scent again. "So. Um, you think I'm pretty?""Well, yeah, of course. You're what I think my grandpa would call 'fetching'"She giggled again. Damn, that sounds nice, and she smells really nice. Little Robert stirred down below. I heard a sharp intake of breath. Uh Oh. She felt that. I may have just ruined what might have been a moment."Am I pretty enough to make you, uh, aroused, then?""Oh, Suzanne, I am so embarrassed. Please, don't be offended, it's just circumstances, you know?"She pulled back again and looked at the door. Still no smoke. Then she looked at me with a sad smile, saying "I didn't think so." Suzanne started to get up, and I realized where our wires had crossed.I put my arms around her and said " Oh, no no. You're very pretty, and definitely arousing."She looked surprised, but settled back down on my lap. "Oh." she said. "Thank you."Just then we heard a muffled sound  of footsteps outside the door. We both yelled, and I grabbed a mop handle and rapped it against the door. The door opened, and a cloud of smoke poured in. A firefighter stood there, looking surprised behind his breathing apparatus. He hollered for help, and we were soon moved briskly from the building.I was parked in my wheelchair next to the ambulance, where Suzanne was sitting on a gurney. We both had been given oxygen and been checked over for injuries. We told campus security about how we came to be there, and they got really grim. I named names, because I could've died there, we both could've died. It was a prank, but it went sideways pretty fast when that fire broke out. Cops came over and Suzanne also named a couple of girls who she thought were in on it too. Now we were finally cleared to go."Can I walk you back to the dorms?" I asked.She laughed, "Don't you mean wheel me? You can't walk.""Can too, if I had my crutches. My idiot friends left me with this chair.""Okay, then, let's go." She beamed.Off we went. She couldn't push me with just one hand, and I was crap at navigating that chair, but we eventually got back to the residence. We chatted amiably along the way, getting to know each other. She was really easy to talk to, unlike most girls I've tried to talk to. Maybe that was it, I wasn't chatting her up.She was 18, a biology major, living in in the next dorm over. I told her I was in second year Computer Science, in the nearby dorm, so I had a single room.I told her how I broke my leg, skiing near Gatineau, and the really long day I had as a result. "How did you break your arm?""Skating. I'm usually a good skater but sometimes you just fall wrong. I spent most of that same day in the ER, just like you. It's really hard to get dressed and shower and stuff with this thing.""I know, believe me, I know all about it."We were both so fired up on adrenaline after our ordeal there was no way we could sleep. "Would you like to, uh, come over to my room, for a bit? After all this, I'm not tired, and I'd be bored doing just nothing. We could talk for a while." Oh, nice, I thought, smooth man, very smooth. NOT.She blushed, and it must've been a good one, to be visible in the dim light along the sidewalk. "I, uh, yeah. Yes. Yes I will." she stated with a bravado she didn't appear to have.I smiled up at her. "I promise to behave, Okay?""What if I don't want you to behave?" she smirked."Then you're going to have to make your wishes known, in no uncertain terms. I don't do the pushy guy thing very well.""I want to go to your room with you," she declared.To be continued.By SilverFoxMullet for Literotica

Have you ever felt guilty about spending money on yourself? Like, you have to “earn it” first, or you'd rather give to others than invest in your own well-being? Or maybe you feel like no matter how much money you make, it's never enough? What if I told you that the way you think about money is eerily similar to the way you think about your body? If you see money as scarce, you might also see weight loss as impossible. If you believe money is stressful, you might also find caring for your body overwhelming. If you struggle to receive money, you might also struggle to receive self-care, love, or nourishment. Today, we're going to talk about: The surprising connection between your money beliefs and your body image. How childhood stories shape both. A powerful mindset shift that will help you feel abundant—in both your wallet and your body. Are you ready to break free from the scarcity mindset and start seeing yourself as worthy of investment?  Aw yeah, let's go!    https://confidentbody.coach/tips/ BOOK: You Are A Miracle   

Negotiating With Isabella.Based on a post by Ostrich Mack. Listen to the ► Podcast at Steamy Stories.Sex sells: Isabella's New Skills.Isabella Cobelli admired her reflection in the mirror. As you could guess from the name, Isabella had Italian roots.Her father emigrated from Italy in the eighties and met and married Isabella's English mother.Isabella was an only child and after her father passed away suddenly when she was 14, she became very close to her mum.Now 23 years old and graduated with an honors degree in marketing, she had matured into a beautiful young woman. Isabella had Raven-black straight hair which hung all the way down to the small of her back. She often wore it in a French plait which meant her pretty face was plain to see.Isabella had light olive skin and funnily enough an sprinkling of freckles across her nose. Her hazel colored eyes were almond shaped and her eyebrows were thicker than was considered classical beauty. Her lips looked eminently kissable.Today Isabella had chosen a slightly daring red lipstick to emphasize the shape of her pretty mouth.Her outfit was business-like and sexy at the same time. Thigh high stockings under a grey pencil skirt, topped by a matching Bolero jacket over a semi sheer impeccable white blouse. Isabella liked to dress in pretty underwear and had chosen a half-cup lace bra and matching thong. To complete the look, she had chosen two inch heels in black to give her a little more height than her 1 meter 65.So, why all this bother to get all dressed up? After graduating Isabella tried to break into a marketing job. As the economy was in a major dip, jobs in marketing were few and far between. In fact marketing experts were all looking over their shoulders, hoping not to get their exit cards.Isabella got a job eventually in sales. Not her strongest point and she hated when people assumed that sales and marketing were one and the same. ECO-Hygiene was an up and coming supplier of Eco-friendly products for industrial use.After two months there Isabella's sales figures were under target, and she was concerned that she might just get her marching orders if she didn't at least hit her goals. As a newcomer she was assigned an area in which her predecessor had failed to drum up enough business. This geographically difficult area lay half in the urban sprawl of London and half in the leafy suburbs of Sussex. Isabella was struggling and desperate to get some decent sales under her belt. Thus, what a relief it was when, two weeks ago, all of the sales reps were invited for a weekend sales seminar in one London's prestigious hotels. All of this on their free time of course.After checking in on Friday evening, Isabella decided to have one glass of wine at the bar to see if there was any male talent attending the seminar. For some reason, despite her beauty, she didn't seem to be able to hold down a relationship for long. Men of her own age bored her. They were mostly full of themselves and only wanted to talk about their amazing feats. Isabella had missed a father for her formative years and found herself graduating towards more mature men. Problem there was that most of them were married, or un-marriable, or just plain creepy.As she sat at the bar observing the melee of sales reps loudly proclaiming their victories, Isabella was shocked when a woman sat next to her and offered her a drink."Kate", the woman said."Excuse me?" replied Isabella."Kate Connors. Senior sales director for South East" came the reply."Oh, nice to meet you." Said Isabella. "Isabella Cobrelli, My friends call me Izzy" she replied offering her hand to Kate who shook it firmly."So what do you think? Any talent in here tonight?" asked Kate.Isabella blushed."Aw come on", said Kate. "I know the drill. Been here many times and had my share of dalliances""Well" said Isabella "Up until now, not much interesting to see here. Just lot of guys full of themselves holding a pissing contest."Kate laughed out loud. "I like it" she said. "You call it as it is young lady.""What in god's name brings a beautiful woman like you to a sales conference for Industrial Hygiene products?""Well, it wasn't my first choice, and it may not be sexy, but it pays the rent." Answered Isabella."It should damn well do more than just pay the rent." Answered Kate. "What are your sales figures like?" she asked.Isabella blushed once more. "It's a struggle." She answered. "I haven't been able to score any big accounts yet and I am worried I might not hit the target.""Well maybe I can help you." Replied Kate. "After all I didn't get my position by not meeting my sales targets.""Tell me your tactics." Kate asked."Well, I like to dress in a business attire so that I look serious about the product. I make sure I know all of the specs of the particular products that I want to sell on the day, so I am well prepared for the pitch. But somehow it just seems to fall flat when I am there.""What is business attire?" Kate asked."Trouser suit with a nice blouse. Low heels for practicality." Isabella replied."Humph," snorted Kate. "No wonder that the presentations fall flat. You need to make it personal. Sure, you should be all business, but you need to be sexy too. Let me guess, most of the clients are 45 plus males bored out of their minds. You need to give their day a boost. Bring something that gets their attention, and not just the product. Don't forget there are a so many industrial hygiene products on the market, and they all do the same thing. You need to make the men want to see YOU again."Isabella listened carefully to this charismatic woman, totally in awe of her self-confidence. She quietly wished she could be like her.Kate continued. "I have done all sorts to get my sales figures up, including entertaining the clients in the broadest possible sense. These men have a boring married vanilla life. They crave excitement and attention. While their wives are away at the Rotary Club organizing charity things, the men are sitting home bored out of their skulls. Work is the same thing day after day until YOU show up. Not in a pantsuit and a blouse laced up to the neck, but in something which gives their fantasy food for thought. The women too. I have also put myself out there and entertained women."Isabella was shocked and blushed intensely. Kate was basically saying she should whore herself out to get the sale."Women too?" she asked shyly."Don't knock it till you've tried it." Replied Kate. "I have had amazing encounters with women too. And though I am not gay, I do enjoy a dally with the softer sex. Haven't you ever experimented in college?"Isabella felt like she was turning purple. "No. Never." She replied."Well play your cards right and tonight might be the first night." Kate replied.Isabella was shocked and turned on at the same time.What if she could seduce her regional sales manager? She thought. That might go some way to keeping her job.Kate signaled the bartender. "A bottle of champagne." She ordered. The bartender nodded and made a gesture toward a booth on the other side of the bar.Kate wasted no time and took Isabella's hand in hers, dragging her across the bar.The sat next to each other, watching the show.Kate turned to Isabella. "Drink up. The show has just begun. Just watch how stupid it gets."Isabella took a sip of her glass and sat back to observe. "Idiots," she thought. "Tomorrow they will be too hungover to follow the seminar."The buzz from the champagne made Isabella relax and she began to fire more questions at Kate."What did you do with all those male clients then?" she asked."Everything." Replied Kate. "From flirting to blow jobs, from blow jobs to sex, to threesomes, to gang bangs. Just as long as I got my sales. My commissions were huge, I bought my house and car for cash with everything I earned. Men are stupid. They think with their dick, and once that is engaged then they will sign anything.""And the women then?" asked Isabella."Ah that is a different story." Kate replied. "That needs a lot more subtlety.""I can show you if you want." Kate offered.Isabella though about it for some minutes, whilst watching the meat market in front of them."Okay." She said. "Show me."Kate turned to her in shock. "Really?" She asked."Yes really." Isabella replied. "I have nothing to lose and everything to gain from your experience. And besides, for some reason the thought of it makes me horny.""Right." Said Kate. "Let's take this upstairs."Kate took Isabella by the hand and lead her to the lifts. They stepped in together and Kate pushed the button for the top floor. As soon as the lift doors closed, she took Isabella in her arms and kissed her gently on the lips. Isabella swooned from the alcohol and the excitement of this new adventure. It didn't take long before she responded to Kate, kissing her passionately back, her tongue exploring Kate's mouth.Kate moaned with pleasure. "Umm; Hmm. You're good at this. Sure you haven't tried this before?"Isabella grinned and said. "Definitely not. Good catholic upbringing don't you know."They arrived at Kate's floor and exited the lift. Kate's suite was just a few meters away, and when they got there Kate fumbled to get the key to work. Isabella took the key from her gently and held it against the lock. She was amazingly calm, determined to enjoy the ride wherever that might take her.Laughing, both Kate and Isabella fell through the door into the suite. Isabella couldn't help but be impressed. "So, this is what a Senior regional manager gets," she thought. "Not bad at all."There was a bottle of champagne on ice on the hall table and Kate proceeded to open it.She poured two glasses and passed one to Isabella. "Cheers Izzy." She said, raising her glass."Cheers." Isabella replied.Kate took a draught and put her glass on the table. She took Isabella in her arms and kissed her passionately on the lips. Isabella responded with her tongue and soon they were locked in a passionate embrace.Kate opened the buttons on Isabella's blouse one by one until it was completely open.She pushed the blouse back over Isabella's shoulders leaving er bra exposed. Kate bent forward and kissed Isabella's tits through the bra. Isabella held her breath, not knowing how she would react.She was surprised that it really turned her on to have all this attention to her tits. She felt her panties getting moist.Isabella decided to take some initiative herself, and opened the buttons on Kate's blouse. Kate groaned in anticipation. Isabella rubbed her thumb over Kate's right nipple and then over the left. Kate groaned even harder. Isabella moved her finger under the fabric of Kate's bra and pinched gently with her thumb and forefinger on Kate's nipples.Kate moved her arms around Isabella's back and unclasped her bra, freeing her 32c tits. Isabella's nipples were hard as bullets. Kate couldn't resist and lowered her mouth on first one and then the other nipple.Isabella felt a shockwave go through her whole body. Her juices were now flowing freely and she felt her panties get dripping wet. Not to be outdone she released Kate's 36 c tits from their restraint and copied Kate's sucking and licking.Kate almost crumpled at the knees. For a first timer Isabella sure learned quickly."Wait." She said. "Let's take this to the bed.""Yes please." said Isabella.They half stumbled to the bed, taking their skirts off in the process.Isabella stood before Kate with only her panties and her thigh high stocking still left on. Her cunt was on fire and leaking like a fire hydrant. Her juices were running down her thighs.Kate took a moment to admire this beautiful woman in front of her before slowly rolling her panties down her thighs, over the stockings and down to the floor.Isabella stepped out of her panties. She lay down on the bed, her hand demurely over her cunt.Kate knelt down at the side of the bed and removed Isabella's hand from her cunt. Kate sat admiring the neatly trimmed cunt in front of her, all the while sniffing the scent of Isabella's sex.Isabella was panting with desire. Her cunt on fire, her juices flowing freely and her nipples hard and sore. The anticipation of what was about to happen was excruciating.And then. Kate leaned forward and drew her tongue slowly from the bottom of Isabella's lips. Slowly licking and penetrating Isabella's sex.Isabella held her breath. Her heart was beating at 200 beats per minute, or so she thought.Kate was gentle. Each time drawing her tongue from under to above. Gently she penetrated Isabella with first one, and the two fingers. Isabella gasped.Kate moved once more upwards, and this time stopped at Isabella's clit. She gently licked at Isabella's love bud taking it gently between her lips and massaging it with her tongue.Inside Isabella something exploded. Her brain seemed to short circuit and her legs began to tremble uncontrollably. Her hands grabbed the back of Kate's head and pushed her harder into her cunt. Her orgasm was coming and there was nothing going to stop it.A tsunami of electric shocks shot through Isabella's body. There was no more control. Her muscles and nerves exploded in ecstasy and her juices simply spurted out of her cunt. Isabella screamed her orgasm out as hard as she could. It was an animalistic sound which she had never heard before.

On episode 280 of The AwardsWatch Podcast, Executive Editor Ryan McQuade is joined by AwardsWatch Associate Editor Sophia Ciminello as well as AwardsWatch contributors Jay Ledbetter, Josh Parham, and Karen Peterson to go back forty-five years and take a look at the 53rd Academy Awards, covering the films of 1980. Throughout Oscar history, there have been Best Picture wins that have become “controversial,” with some being about the quality of film that won or because of the films that lost Hollywood's top prize. The latter has become the case, as many cinephiles believe that Raging Bull should've won Best Picture over Ordinary People, which sets up a perfect challenge for the team to see if they believe this call for injustice by the Academy holds any merit. In their in-depth discussion, the AW team talked about the film year of 1980, briefly discuss talk about Ordinary People as a Best Picture winner, do an extensive conversation over the below the line categories and nominees for the year, and then the new version of the AW Shoulda Woulda Coulda game, where instead of individual replacements, they must decide as a group who the nominees and winners should be in the top eight categories. The rules of the game state they can only replace two of the nominees that year from each category, except in Best Picture, where the group could replace up to three films to make up the final set of five nominated films. Like past retrospective episodes, it was a fascinating, fun conversation including spirited debates, alliances, vote swinging, celebrating various movies, performances that aren't normally talked about and more that we all hope you enjoy. You can listen to The AwardsWatch Podcast wherever you stream podcasts, from iTunes, iHeartRadio, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Spotify, Audible, Amazon Music and more. This podcast runs 2h24m. We will be back next week for a review of the new A24 comedy, Death of a Unicorn, as well as talk about some of the best comedies of the decade and century so far. Till then, let's get into it. Music: “Modern Fashion” from AShamaleuvmusic (intro), “B-3” from BoxCat Games Nameless: The Hackers RPG Soundtrack (outro).

Three-way with Lucy and Alison, takes a slap and tickle turn.Based on a post by Ostrich Mack. Listen to the ► Podcast at Steamy Stories.A New Player.I was bored.My wife was at daycare which she attended every weekday since she became paralyzed in a car accident. We still loved each other and would never do anything to hurt each other emotionally.Sex was physically impossible, and we had discussed my partnering with other women now and then to satisfy my urges. I had her blessing, as long as I didn't fall in love.To that end I had experienced amazing days with Lucy. She was also living in our village. Married, she was not looking for a relationship, but searching for an outlet for her urges which her husband could not fill.The last time we met, my good friend Andrea, recently divorced, was also involved and we ended in a hot threesome. Since then, Andrea had been a regular visitor to Lucy's.So, I was bored at home, on my day off from work, and decided to go for a walk.Pulling on my walking boots and a rainproof jacket, I headed out into the countryside. It was a pleasant morning and I brightened up considerably as I made my way along the walking paths through the lush countryside.After 5K, I was coming to the end of my route when I bump into Lucy and a friend, who were also out for a walk."Hey Lucy," I said, "Fancy meeting you here.""Hi Peter," she replied, and stood on her toes to kiss my cheek. "This is Alison, an old friend from my college days.""Hi Alison, nice to meet you," I said."Nice to meet you too Peter," said Alison. "Lucy told me lots about you.""Oh-oh," I said laughing. "Hopefully all good." I added."Oh yeah," Alison replied.I was a little embarrassed, but I didn't let it show. I had never thought that Lucy would have shared our sexual exploits with her friends.Looking at the sky, I said "It looks like it's going to rain."As soon as I had spoken, the first drops began to fall. Quickly the drops became a downpour, and we were getting soaked as we stood there."Quick," said Lucy, "My house is closest, Let's make a run for it."We took off at a sprint and within a couple of minutes, we were at Lucy's front door.Lucy opened the door and we piled into the hallway.Laughing and gasping for breath, we stood there dripping wet from the downpour.Our clothes were soaked through, and we were cold."I have towels upstairs." Said Lucy. "Wait here and I will fetch them."She was gone for a minute and came downstairs with a huge stack of towels."Here take a couple each." She said.We accepted the towels gratefully and started trying to dry ourselves off, but we were so soaked through that it had little effect."Okay," said Lucy. "There is only one thing we can do. Strip off, and we can put the wet clothes in the dryer."Alison blushed."Come on!" said Lucy. "It's not as if I haven't seen you naked before."Alison blushed even more, her face turning bright red.A gentleman as always, I said, "I'll just go into the kitchen, so you won't have to worry about me peeking."I went into the kitchen, stripped off my wet clothes and wrapped a towel around my waist.Returning to the hallway, I saw that Alison and Lucy had also divested themselves of their clothes and were wrapped in towels.Lucy invited us into the sitting room and said, "I'll make us some tea."We took a seat. Lucy's house was luxuriously furnished. No expense spared and really well presented. Lucy and her husband weren't short of money.Alison took a seat, struggling to cover herself fully with the towel. She was pretty.Her long blond hair hung over her shoulders and framed a very pretty face. Her freckled face was typical of that 'Girl next door' beauty. Her body was more rounded than Lucy's petite frame. Her tits were bigger and more rounded. Her hips were wider, and her ass was a size larger that Lucy.I was a lover of thinner women with small tits. But I was also not averse to fuller models."So, Alison," I said. "What has Lucy been telling you about me?""Oh, just about everything." She replied."Shit," I said. "You must think me some kind of pervert." I said."Au Contraire," Alison replied. "Her stories made me curious. After all, Lucy told you about me."Puzzled, I asked. "Did she? I can't remember that she mentioned your name.""Maybe not by name, but she told you that she had experimented in college. That was me. I was her lover for a short time at college. We enjoyed ourselves before going on to get respectfully married.""Ah ok, I get it." I said remembering that during our last afternoon with Andrea, Lucy had told us she had experimented with another woman in her college days.Just then Lucy returned with a tray with tea and cookies."You've been very naughty." I said to her."How so?" replied Lucy."Telling our secrets to Alison." I answered."Alison is my BFF; I share everything. with her." Said Lucy.Jokingly I swatted Lucy's ass with my palm."Ouch!" she cried and swatted me back."Now now," said Alison. "Play nice you, guys.""I don't think so." I said and grabbed Lucy, pulling her over my knees."Ooh a spanking," said Alison, quoting the Monty Python film.Lucy's ass was exposed as the towel was not big enough to cover it now that she was bent over. I caressed her cheek with my hand."May I also have a spanking kind sir?" Alison asked.I hesitated. This was dangerous ground for me and something I had never done or even contemplated before.Lucy looked at me and winked."If you would be so kind. I know Alison would enjoy it." she said.Lucy stood up and took Alison by her hands. She led her to the dining table and got her to bend over with her chest on the table and her ass exposed where the towel which had ridden up.Lucy walked around the table and took Alison's hands in hers and extended Alison's arms across the table.She smiled at me and said. "Now you can spank her properly."I stood up, very unsure of myself and asked, "Alison, is that what you would like?"Alison replied. "Peter, my cunt is already dripping in anticipation of a good spanking. Please do it."I walked over to her and felt her ass cheek with my hand, rubbing it softly. She moaned.I raised my hand and with a sharp, short, swing, I slapped her right cheek."Come on, that was weak." Alison said. "You can do better."I took aim and slapped her again with a lot more power."Yes, that's better" Alison said. "Again."I obliged and the next slap was on her left cheek.Alison's was dripping from her cunt; she clearly was turned on by this.Five slaps later I had decided that it was enough.Lucy ordered me to take her place and to hold onto Alison's hands.I did so and looked into Alison's eyes as Lucy took her place behind Alison's round ass.Lucy began to gently tickle Alison's ass cheeks with her fingers, interspersed with light slaps.Then she went on her knees behind Alison and started to work on Alison with her tongue.Gentle kisses on Alison's ass cheeks, followed by licks to her exposed cunt made Alison moan with pleasure. Lucy started to lick from Alison's cunt to her ass hole.Alison was shaking. Her voice was shaking as she said, "Just like old times Lucy, You still have the talent."Lucy pushed her tongue in Alison's cunt, eliciting a cry of ecstasy.Lucy was unstoppable. She had tasted Alison's juices and wanted to make her cum.I held Alison's hands firmly, preventing her from changing position. She was at our mercy.My cock was getting harder and harder as I observed Lucy pleasuring Alison's cunt.Alison was crying out, "That's it, eat my cunt."My towel fell to the floor exposing my erection. Alison raised an eyebrow and said. "Wait, pull me further over the table."I pulled her so that her head was hanging just over the edge of the table.She opened her mouth and said, "Here with that cock."I didn't argue and brought my cock to her lips.Alison sucked the head of my cock between her lips and started to lick it with her tongue. The feeling was amazing. My body shocked from her licking.Lucy was working Alison's cunt with her fingers."Hmmm" she moaned on my hard cock.I pushed further in her mouth her tongue licking lower on my cock and just above my balls.One of Alison's hands came free, and she used this to caress my balls."Come for me baby." Cried Lucy redoubling her efforts.Alison was close and we pushed her harder on both sides. It was too much, and she started to wail. Sucking harder and harder on my cock, I felt her start to tremble. Gently at first but increasingly more violent. Alison released my cock, and her hands flew to her cunt, where she furiously rubbed her clit. Then she came. A crashing devastating orgasm, taking her to a place seldom visited. Her body convulsed and her cunt started to squirt cum all over the table.Lucy bent forward and licked her leaking cunt, lapping up her cum.Alison went into a fetal position, her body pulsating.We got her off the table and laid her on the couch where she lay whimpering.Lucy looked me in the eyes expectantly. I knew she was not done yet."Come with me." She said, "I need you.""Okay." I said.Lucy took my hand and we ascended the stairs to the guest room.She took off her towel and stood in her naked beauty before me.

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Who am I to think I could do this? I'm just… me.” Maybe you've started a weight loss journey—again—and that nagging voice in your head whispers, “What makes you think this time will be different?” Or maybe you're stepping into a new role at work, finally chasing a dream, or trying something outside your comfort zone, and suddenly, your brain starts serving up a buffet of self-doubt. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. This is imposter syndrome, and it's sneaky. It makes you believe you're not capable, not worthy, not enough. And just like those old diet rules that told you you had to suffer to see results, imposter syndrome keeps you stuck, doubting yourself instead of taking action.  It's like your brain throws up a big, flashing “Do Not Enter” sign whenever you're about to do something important. But here's the good news: you don't have to let it stop you. But today, instead of listening to the "do not enter" sign, we're going to change it to say “this matters to me”. In this episode, we're going to cover: Why imposter syndrome happens and why it's not your fault How to reframe it so you stop feeling like a fraud—whether in weight loss, work, or life The two-step process to move past it and take action even when you don't feel ready If you've ever let self-doubt hold you back,(I mean, we all have right?) then this episode is for you.  So are you ready to ditch self-doubt and step into the brilliant light you were meant to be?  Aw yeah, let's go!    https://confidentbody.coach/tips/ BOOK: You Are A Miracle 

Have you ever told yourself, "I just have no discipline"? Or maybe "Ugh, I know what I need to do—I just need to DO it!" It feels awful, right? Like you're stuck in a loop of frustration and self-blame. But saying those things isn't just making you feel bad—it's actually keeping you stuck. In today's episode, we'll cover: Why telling yourself you need more discipline is the fast track to nowhere The sneaky way your brain keeps you safe (but also keeps you stuck) And how to shift from self-blame to agency and self-efficacy by owning your choices Are you ready to stop playing the role of victim in your own life and take back your power?  Aw yeah, let's go! 

Do you know your theology of the church? In this week's episode of The Missions Podcast, Alex and Scott talk with AW, missionary with Reaching and Teaching, who lives in North Africa. Together, they discuss the Biblical theology of the church, the differences and similarities of the North African church and the North American church, and the importance of having a robust understanding of the church. Family worship is a crucial part of building faith within our families. Reformation Heritage Books has a resource to help guide you in creating an uplifting and Biblically strong worship time with their new Family Worship Bible Guide. Go to heritagebooks.org/familyworship and pick up your copy. Use promo code: MISSIONSPOD for a 10% discount on any order. When was the last time your church did a missions conference, and how did it go? ABWE wants to help your church do a missions conference that will challenge your congregation to send. It's called Send Sunday. Click here to download your free resources including: sermon notes, small group discussion questions, song selections, children's activity pages, and more! Join with ABWE and other churches on Pentacost Sunday to pray and ask God to send someone from your church. Do you love The Missions Podcast? Have you been blessed by the show? Then become a Premium Subscriber! Premium Subscribers get access to: Exclusive bonus content A community Signal thread with other listeners and the hosts Invite-only webinars A free gift! Support The Missions Podcast and sign up to be a Premium Subscriber at missionspodcast.com/premium The Missions Podcast is powered by ABWE. Learn more and take your next step in the Great Commission at abwe.org. Want to ask a question or suggest a topic? Email alex@missionspodcast.com.

On this episode, Mike and Luke bring you another addition of too hot to handle too cold to hold and go over the absolutely stacked AW revolution card.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to work with a coach for a year? This episode is a little different. This is a replay of a conversation between my client Jessie Ellertson and me, where I was a guest on her podcast.  Jessie is a life coach herself and she's been my client for about a year. In this episode we talk about the top 12 lessons learned she's had as takeaways during our work together.  We talk about everything from how to view invisible progress to handling vacations and holidays to addressing even deeper beliefs about identity and how we want to show up for ourselves in this life.  It was so much fun to recap a year of coaching with Jessie and I am so glad I get to share it with you.  We've got a year's worth of wisdom packed into this episode, and the journey's just getting started! Are ya ready for the rocket ride? Aw yeah! Let's go!  Jessie Ellertson is a  Military Wife Life Coach. She helps military wives experience peace, love, and JOY while dealing with deployment. You can learn more about her at her website https://www.simplyresilient.net/. And be sure to check out her podcast, The Simply Resilient - A Podcast For Military Wives.  Learn more! www.confidentbody.coach You Are A Miracle book https://confidentbody.coach/tips/

Tash Aw’s writing puts the history and reality of Southeast Asia on the page. His latest novel, ‘The South’, is the first in a quartet series exploring family struggles amid climatic and economic change. Speaking to Georgina Godwin, Aw discusses his upbringing, his influences, his relationship with Malaysia and the reality behind the glossy image of Southeast Asia.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Aw shiz, no one mourns the Wicked? That's right, this week Dan and Anna follow the yellow brick road (is that the color that it's supposed to be?) straight to the magical Emerald City to experience Wicked Part 1! Is half of a story told over the length of an entire broadway musical worth it? Tune in to find out! If you would like to support In Conclusion you can do so at patreon.com/InConclusion

Have you ever found yourself in a public place and a random stranger walks by and out of nowhere a super judgy thought pops in your brain. “Why would she wear that? Didn't she look in the mirror this morning? At least I don't weigh that much.” And then you think “What is wrong with me? Who thinks like that about other people?” Or maybe you find yourself in a situation where you're just dying for someone close to you to make a different choice? Maybe it's your friend, your partner, or even your parents. You think “If he'd just lose a little weight…. If she just noticed all I do….. Why do they always have to SAY those things?” You just KNOW that if they made that one little change, - do something different, say something different, act different, BE different - everything would be better. Or at least YOUR life would be better.  We're talking about those moments when I'm biting your tongue, trying to keep from blurting out, "Why can't they just see what I see?!" We've all been there. And it's totally normal! That feeling can come from a place of wanting the best for others, but it comes off feeling victimy and angry. The tricky part is that sometimes, it can leave us feeling a little guilty and empty, like they're not measuring up or not being who we want them to be. And then we end up judging ourselves for judging them. Ugh!  So, what do we do? Do we just bite our tongue and keep those feelings buried inside? Or is there another way? A way that allows us to be true to ourselves and our feelings, while also honoring and respecting those we love so much? In today's episode, we're going to dive deep into this thorny topic of judging ourselves and those closest to us. We'll explore why it happens, how it feels, and most importantly, how to move through it with grace and love. Are you ready to peel back the layers of judgment and uncover the truth beneath?    Aw yeah! Learn more! www.confidentbody.coach You Are A Miracle book https://confidentbody.coach/tips/

Have you ever felt like your entire sense of worth comes from how much you're doing for others? Like, if you're not constantly checking things off your list, making meals, running errands, or solving everyone else's problems, then… what's your purpose? And if you do take a moment for yourself—just to sit, breathe, maybe even (gasp!) relax—you feel a wave of guilt because shouldn't you be doing something? That's exactly what we're talking about today. We'll unpack: Why it's so hard to take time for yourself without guilt. How resentment might actually be pointing to what you really want. And how to find your worth beyond being “needed.” So, are you ready to reclaim your rest, redefine your worth, and release the pressure to do it all?   Aw yeah ya are! Let's go! https://confidentbody.coach/tips/ BOOK: You Are A Miracle   

On episode 276 of The AwardsWatch Podcast, AW's Editor-In-Chief Erik Anderson, Executive Editor Ryan McQuade and Associate Editor Sophia Ciminello break down the 2025 BAFTA winners and give a preview and their predictions of next week's SAG Awards. A very spread-the-wealth year, BAFTA gave no film more than four wins, including a split Best Film and Best Director, with Conclave claiming the former and Brady Corbet the latter for The Brutalist, the two films to to earn those four BAFTAs. No real surprises in the Leading Actor (Adrien Brody), Supporting Actor (Kieran Culkin) and Supporting Actress (Zoe Saldaña) races but when Anora won the Casting award early on it was the bellwether for Mikey Madison's 'surprise' win for Leading Actress at the end of the night over Demi Moore (The Substance). A Real Pain's historically significant triumph over Anora in Original Screenplay also set up what will be one of the most competitive Oscar races on March 2 as winner voting ends tomorrow. We jump over to SAG, a conversation that mirrors BAFTA a bit, where we all feel strongly for three frontrunners and each make cases for Madison, Moore and the outside spoiler of a Cynthia Erivo. You can listen to The AwardsWatch Podcast wherever you stream podcasts, from iTunes, iHeartRadio, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Spotify, Audible, Amazon Music and more. This podcast runs 1h13m. We will be back next week to talk the results of the back-to-back Spirit Awards and SAG Awards and reveal our final Oscar predictions of the season. Till then, let's get into it. Music: “Modern Fashion” from AShamaleuvmusic (intro), “B-3” from BoxCat Games Nameless: The Hackers RPG Soundtrack (outro).

Hello Friends! We are back! In this episode of Superlatively Yes, Jen and I reconnect to discuss the importance of self-acceptance, the power of friendship, and navigating life's challenges. We explore the shift away from traditional New Year's resolutions towards a more compassionate and understanding approach to personal growth. We truly laugh and enjoy our heartfelt conversation, interruptions and all! We talk about the significance of embracing one's current season in life and the necessity of support in achieving personal goals. Also, Jen and I explore the themes of survival mode, self-care, and emotional wellness. We also discuss the challenges of navigating personal and professional changes, the importance of self-compassion, and strategies for managing stress and burnout. There is such a huge need for understanding one's emotional state and the significance of spiritual wellness in maintaining balance and perspective in life. We are so glad to be here with you on this amazing platform and in this precious community. Tanya   Superlatively Yes website Superlatively Yes on Patreon Superlatively Yes Instagram Page Superlatively Yes Facebook Page Jasa's Instagram Jasa's Facebook Tanya's Instagram Tanya's Facebook   Chapters 00:00 Welcome Back and New Beginnings 02:05 The Power of Friendship and Support 06:03 Embracing Self-Acceptance 10:07 Navigating Life's Challenges 14:06 Mindset Shifts for Growth 17:50 The Importance of Self-Compassion 23:37 Navigating Change and Respect in Education 26:14 Understanding Survival Mode 31:22 Strategies for Self-Care and Compassion 35:46 The Importance of Spiritual Wellness 39:59 Embracing Change and Moving Forward     TRANSCRIPT: Hello listeners. Welcome to Superlatively Yes's seventh season. We are back in this first episode of 2025 and we are so excited to connect with you all and bring some fun, fresh new content. Today I am here with my good friend and yours, Jennifer McCrodden. You know Jen, she's been around since season one. She's an OG. Jasa, our hilarious world traveling friend will be in and out this season. Before you get concerned, everyone and everything is fine. We're fine. We're just like in a super busy season. And this makes a lot of sense to us right now. We're so excited. We're committed to all of you in the SY community, committed to this platform. And we love this opportunity. Okay. Since we last had Jen on the Superlatively Yes podcast, she has become a drum roll please certified life coach. And do you know who has benefited the most from this so far? Me. I love to unwrap topics and conversations with Jen because she has such a wise and unique perspective. I learned something new from her guys every time we have a coaching session or a long lunch at Tacos for Life. Welcome back to the Superlatively, I'm sorry, the Superlatively Yes podcast, Jen. Jen (01:25.08) Thank you, Tanya. And that is so kind of you to say. I have greatly benefited from life coaching as well, and always from having tacos with you and hanging out. So it's a mutual benefit for sure. Tanya N Smith (01:35.535) Tanya N Smith (01:39.867) It really is. Yeah. Okay. So, let's just get right into it. Listen, everybody listen. Jen wrote me this letter and one of our back and forth moments of talking through topics and it absolutely made my day. It made me laugh out loud and that is kind of hard to do. So I want you to hear it. I want you to hear in her sweet voice and then we're going to talk about it right after. Jen (01:44.311) Yes. Jen (02:05.356) All right, a letter to my dear friend Tanya. Dear Tanya, all right, before we begin, a disclaimer. Do you remember when your grandparents used this phrase? If I had a quarter, I think my grandparents said if I had a dime, for every time you, fill in the blank, I'd retire and move away and be rich. Well, sadly, my friend, due to inflation, we are retiring coin money. Tanya N Smith (02:25.235) Mm-hmm. for sure. Jen (02:34.626) And we are only allowed to deal in tens and twenties because I mean, it's spendy out there folks. It's spending. So Tanya, if we had a $10 for every time either one of us has used one of these phrases, we would be podcasting from an island somewhere. And here are the phrases most often used by us. And this is why I can't be in charge. All the time. Here's another one that we use all the time. Tanya N Smith (02:47.667) Mm. Tanya N Smith (02:59.292) every day. Jen (03:03.608) From now on, you are the one making all my decisions. I'm done. I'm done. Why didn't you step in and intervene? Tanya N Smith (03:07.813) every other day. Jen (03:17.476) of For the Love of Nancy Reagan. You let me. Tanya N Smith (03:19.933) For the love. Yes, why did you let me do that? my word. Jen (03:25.42) Yes, and I don't know why Nancy Reagan, that's just who we use. And then here's one of my all-time favorites that we have said multiple times. What would Dolly do? I mean, what would Dolly do? Tanya N Smith (03:36.051) preach that one what would Dolly do? Listen, we know she would put on her heels and put on her makeup and she would look fantastic doing it. Jen (03:43.894) and she would do it, and she would do it well. So listen. Tanya N Smith (03:46.545) I love these. love these. I'm sorry. You have more. Go on, go on. Jen (03:49.484) No, no, listen, I'm not too proud to say it and I know you're not too proud to say it either. We need help, all of the help, in all of the ways, at all of the times. And both of us helping each other and supporting each other, it's been a pillar of our friendship for the past 25 years. The fact that we have either been on the front row of each other's lives or possibly co-piloted one another into some kind of shenanigans. Tanya N Smith (04:06.087) Yeah. Yeah. Jen (04:18.068) situation and the goings-on and the doings, it means that we have historical records. These are receipts, if you will, of all of the things. And so this letter is simply to remind you that there are no takesy-backsies. We've come too far. We're just going to keep moving on. And as such, I was going to make you a promise that I was going to be more chill in 2025. But even as I'm writing this, you and I both know Tanya N Smith (04:23.911) Mm-hmm. Tanya N Smith (04:47.059) You Jen (04:47.296) And I can, I know you're laughing because that's just simply not going to happen. But here's what I'm going to attempt. And by attempt, that means of course you're signed up to support in all the ways I'm going to attempt self acceptance. No wait before you I roll self acceptance does not include the following. We will not be accepting fine lines and wrinkles. Tanya N Smith (05:15.027) Mm-mm. Jen (05:16.856) gray hair, or ugly shoes. Tanya N Smith (05:17.811) No, no, no, ugly shoes and no, absolutely not. Jen (05:22.67) There may be more that we add to this list later, but those are the top three that we will not be accepting in 2025. Tanya N Smith (05:28.453) No fine lines and wrinkles, no gray hair for us. For us, other people it's okay, but for us, we can't do it. Yeah. Right. Jen (05:34.21) You know, some people look amazing in gray hair and I celebrate it, but I'm probably not one of those people. So perhaps you were suspecting that I was going to reach out to you in early 2025 and say, this is the all new improved gin, new year, new me. But alas, no, but also yes, because I think that even though self-acceptance might seem small, It's going to be something that's big. And so part of self-acceptance might be me being OK with being an ambivert, which I can hardly even say. Tanya N Smith (06:05.777) Yeah. Tanya N Smith (06:12.787) Did you say ambivert? Did you say the word ambivert in the first five minutes of our podcast? Jen (06:19.63) Yes, yes I did. Mic drop. I need to be okay with not writing a novel, but enjoy writing all the same. Okay, we're gonna accept that my pie crust will always be classified as rustic. Okay, it's just going to be, that's how it's going to go. I will always be reading at least two books. I... Tanya N Smith (06:30.675) Hmm. Tanya N Smith (06:38.163) Hmm. Jen (06:47.118) Probably have spices in my spice cabinet that are expired. I mean who really needs coriander honestly Tanya N Smith (06:53.331) What is it? No, don't even need to It's okay. I've gone this long. Jen (06:56.162) We can't go down that rabbit hole. Jen (07:00.376) There are pictures of you and me from the 1900s before straightening irons and hair therapy, honestly. And they're going to stay out there. And here's what we need to do. We need to say, she was me. I am her and accept that. So here are marching orders together, dear friend for 2025. God loves us and we love one another. And let's just keep moving on. Tanya N Smith (07:05.871) bless our hearts. Tanya N Smith (07:18.589) Yeah, yeah, Tanya N Smith (07:29.991) I love it. Yay! Do you know how it thrilled me to read this letter? Like it was, okay, first of all, a letter, come on. Who has sent me a letter? I felt like the Blue's Clues guys. Like, yeah, I got a letter. And then I just love everything about it. And here's why it meant so much to me. You and I have been on this roller coaster when it comes to all the things we are supposed to accept or try to forget or. Jen (07:31.107) Love, Jen. Jen (07:36.654) Aww. I know, I was throwing it back old school. Tanya N Smith (07:58.575) work through on our healing journey. I mean, and I'm not downplaying any of that stuff, but isn't it fascinating that we have seen a revolt or maybe a revolution against New Year's resolutions, the New Year, new you mindset. And I wonder, know, friend, like, what does it say about us as a society that we are done? We are done with it always being on a 12 month improvement plan that starts every 12 months. Jen (08:12.792) Right. Jen (08:27.086) Right. Well, first of all, at first I thought it's just me. I'm, I'm revolting. But then I realized, no, I think the whole world is saying, I can't, I can't do it. And I think what it is is, you know, there are probably 915 million books, self-help books out there. There's so many plans. There's so many gurus. There's so many helping us. And again, like you, I'm all in. I want to do my best. want to learn. I want to grow. want to heal. I want to do all the things. But to be able to keep up with all the ounces of water and all of the vitamins and all of the... I can't. And so I need to pick what works for me. I need to accept myself where I am and move forward. But love where I'm at. If I'm always waiting... Tanya N Smith (09:09.094) Right? Jen (09:23.118) For the best me there is, I don't get to enjoy the me that I am now. Tanya N Smith (09:27.195) my gosh, that is so good. And I wish I knew that before I was, I mean, now that I'm 30, I'm beginning to learn a few things. Jen (09:35.67) Right. Same. Same, sister, same. Yeah. Well, a little. Tanya N Smith (09:39.079) Right? LOL. I'm a little older than that. But yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I say all the time I wouldn't go back to being 20 or 30. And that's not because I didn't love that part of my life or I don't appreciate other people being in that part of their life. It's because that's an exhausting thought to like go back and do it over again. It just really has to do with going back and doing it all over again. Jen (09:51.822) Mm. Jen (10:07.598) Maybe we're more tired. But I also think I wouldn't want to go back to those thought patterns. Right? If I went back, I've got to take my older 30 brain back to my 30 year old self, if that makes sense. Right? I need the wisdom that I have now in my 30 plus. Tanya N Smith (10:09.556) yeah. Tanya N Smith (10:17.171) There you go. Tanya N Smith (10:24.531) Right. Tanya N Smith (10:31.699) Because we've learned a thing or two along the way, coping strategies, mechanisms, survival skills in this world. And we just frankly didn't know them earlier. Jen (10:42.732) Yeah, and I kind of like myself now. Tanya N Smith (10:46.737) I like you too. Okay, I am not going to waste anybody's time. I'm to get right to four questions because you are so good at these four, at these suggestions, I should say. You have four suggestions and I call them ways to like navigate forward in life. There's probably a much better title for them. But Jen, what are your four suggestions for someone wanting to navigate forward in their life? Jen (10:47.989) Aw, thanks, Fred. Jen (11:11.169) Yeah, yeah. Jen (11:15.48) Well, just as we were talking about, these are not resolutions. These are not things we're going to go out and do. But I think, first of all, they have to be our mindset. And if there's anything I want to change, it's less doing and more how I'm approaching or my perspective towards the way that my life is right now. So the first one on the list is the best way to change anything is to understand what it is and why. And so. Tanya N Smith (11:43.223) That's good. Jen (11:44.396) you've heard about the five whys. Yes, everyone knows that you ask why five times to kind of get down to the basis level of what you're thinking or what you're feeling or what you're needing. And I think we don't employ that exercise often enough to really ask ourselves what is happening? Why am I feeling this way? what does this all mean for me right now? We just kind of push that aside. We push our feelings aside and we say, well, I read this article. I watched this great TikTok. I've got to move on with what this person is saying because they're an expert, right? And so stopping to examine why it's important to me or why it's not important to me or why I feel this way, I think it's the first real step in evaluating where you are and what you Tanya N Smith (12:25.116) Yes. Jen (12:38.39) are about and what you want to change or not change. Why are you wanting to make those changes? Tanya N Smith (12:41.553) Okay, so good. This is so, so good. I have a story about this that I have, we've talked about that I want to share it with the listeners about understanding why so that you can figure out what. But before we go, I mean, I want to tell the story because I think it will help somebody else because it did me. But I just want to put a pin in that and I want to say it again, that because you said it. Jen (12:55.47) So good. Tanya N Smith (13:08.505) These are your words. The best way to change anything is to understand what it is and why it is. And like you said, there are so many voices in our head that I think we forget to stop and say, what am I feeling? Why am I feeling it? And like, am I dead inside? Like me, like, you know, because sometimes when I am feeling that way, it's because I have absolutely forgotten to check in with myself, but we're going to come to that later. Please tell us number two, the second suggestion. Jen (13:37.038) I love that check in with yourself number two. These are some of the wisest words that I've ever read that were written by you my friend and You wrote them in a book titled reframed in the year 2020 of our of our Lord and Savior when life was super hard and You said embrace the season that you were in and boy did we have to embrace that season hard or that Season, embrace that's hard. But embrace the season that you're in. You know, I was reminded the other day, there's this song by Trace Adkins and it says, you're gonna miss this, right? And he's talking about raising the kids and things are hard and things are difficult and your job and your family and this and that or something else. And you know, you're gonna miss it. There are joys and there are beauty. Tanya N Smith (14:08.947) Right? Yeah. Yeah. Jen (14:35.286) all around us, all the time, even in the difficult times. And we have to stop and check in with ourselves and embrace the season that we're in and learn from it. Really dig in and learn from it to enjoy it before we move. Yeah. Tanya N Smith (14:48.307) Thank you. Tanya N Smith (14:53.031) Wise words. Jen (14:55.672) Kudos to you, friend! Tanya N Smith (14:57.427) Well, what I need to do is go back and read that chapter again called embrace in in our book because In that time period I believe I was doing that. I don't believe I've done it well Every single season since I wrote it or have I even thought about it, but it is my goal and I think it was on my mind and in my heart when I wrote it definitely but Yeah, I mean this too shall pass Jen (15:25.496) Sometimes we just need the reminder. Tanya N Smith (15:27.155) is a good and a bad thing, right? Okay. Well, thanks for quoting me. I didn't see that coming. Okay. Jen (15:29.708) Yeah. Yeah. Jen (15:34.414) Well, number three is that mistakes will be made. So plan for your discomfort. know, several years ago, my coach told me you need to pre plan. You need to prepare for prepare for difficult conversations ahead of time. Prepare for what resources are you going to need to get you through this season or this next difficult thing? And, you know, a lot of times we hop up and we put our boots on and we go out there and we try to do life and we, don't even think about really what we need to prepare ourselves for. And it was her wise words. Things are going to come up, prepare yourself ahead of time. Know that when you go to have this conversation, that's going to be difficult and walk into the discomfort knowing it's going to be uncomfortable, but I'm going to do it anyway. and so Tanya N Smith (16:10.193) No, we don't. Jen (16:31.434) in this self-acceptance moment, I'm gonna make mistakes. I'm gonna make mistakes every single day. And I need to plan for that to be painful and to hurt and to be patient with myself and to try again tomorrow. Tanya N Smith (16:48.631) that's so good. I have two things to add barely. Number one is, Jesus make this easy. The number of times a day that I say that to Jesus, Jesus make this easy. I'm about to encounter something that it's either uncomfortable. I'm not prepared for, I didn't expect whatever. And then the second thing is you said mistakes will be made and those aren't always mistakes made by us. Sometimes it's someone else's mistake. Jen (17:13.998) That's right. Tanya N Smith (17:17.127) that lands in our lap and you talk about learning how to be patient, planning for discomfort. Jen (17:25.282) That is so true. Absolutely. A fender bender, a word that someone says to you that just lands wrong or hurts your feeling. Choices are made, you know, loss. All of that comes at you not planned for, not prepared, not picked by you. But your discomfort is going to be off the charts. And we have to be prepared for that. Tanya N Smith (17:25.361) when it's like out of your control. Tanya N Smith (17:43.005) Right. Tanya N Smith (17:46.983) That's so true. Yes. Well, in the way that we prepare is by, I mean, what you said planning ahead, it's so brilliant because we have put this into action. You and I in different ways have talked about this throughout the year. Sean and I have talked about this. When something blindsides us, I mean, whether you want to talk about like someone driving badly on the interstate or a family member, whatever is having something or a friend, know, just whatever a coworker, like whatever you're dealing with, you decide ahead of time how you're going to react. Jen (18:20.142) Mm. Tanya N Smith (18:20.379) And you think, you can't do that. You can't decide in every situation how you're going to react, but you can decide to pause. And you can decide to pull back for a second and take a deep breath and not react until you have thought about it. And I just always like to think, what do I look like in the moments that I'm reacting? It can be very humbling. Let me tell you, can be very scary. Jen (18:39.95) Right. Yeah. Jen (18:46.796) I'm glad there's not a camera recording every moment of my life. Yeah. Tanya N Smith (18:49.403) Right, it's not the actual Truman Show. Okay, so good. Let's go on to your fourth suggestion. Jen (18:55.054) So this last one is maybe not a suggestion as much as a reminder that self-acceptance is not a resignation. I'm not giving up. Right. I'm not quitting all the things. What I'm doing is putting acceptance of myself and where I'm at and the season that I'm in ahead of anything that I want to remove. change, negate, leave, whatever the case may be. I'm putting at the top of my list to do is accepting right where I'm at right now. Tanya N Smith (19:36.751) I love that you clarified that because yes, I have sometimes thought self-acceptance means stop trying. And it can, but it doesn't have to if you reframe it in a different way. If you say, accept that I don't know everything I want to know about this topic so I can start from where I am and learn more. It's a more positive approach, right? Jen (20:05.59) Right. And you're giving yourself the grace. science is proven when we give our self-validation and acceptance, we're much more likely to change than if we're setting rules out for ourselves. And I know I've shared this story before, but the times that I said I'm going to get up at 5 a.m. and I'm going to exercise. Tanya N Smith (20:20.827) I don't Jen (20:32.972) And you're going to do it, Jennifer. And there's no excuses, right? And I do that four days in a row. And the fifth day, I'm like, yeah, I'm not getting up early to exercise. Right? And if I accept that, OK, this is not the way that works for Jennifer. Here's what works for Jennifer. Right? Tanya N Smith (20:41.8) Yeah. Tanya N Smith (20:50.349) there you go. Yes, I like that. I love the way you switch that because I can be real easy on myself. You know? Jen (20:58.094) Right, but we can also be very harsh on ourselves too and very critical. Yeah. Tanya N Smith (21:00.915) same time. That's so good. So instead of being like you no good dirty dog, you didn't get up when it was 5am and it was 40 degrees outside and go walking by yourself in the misery of the dawn, you would be like, maybe I should walk this afternoon. Jen (21:15.726) Maybe I should go ride the exercise bike. Maybe I should take the stairs at work several more times. There are options that I can give myself. Tanya N Smith (21:23.485) There you go. Jen (21:28.802) that don't have anything to do with me being critical about something that probably shouldn't have been in my life in the first place, right? A rule that I imposed on myself or a resolution that I imposed on myself that doesn't even really fit and doesn't get me to where I want to be anyway. I think that's key. It just doesn't get me to where I want to be. So why even put it up there? Tanya N Smith (21:42.895) Yeah, a made up rule. Yes. Okay, flashback. That's so good. I just had a flashback, you know, back in another life, I was a teacher and I remember very little about my time as a college student training to be a teacher. But I do remember that I took a summer class to learn how to teach physical education. I had to get up at the crack of dawn, drive 30 minutes and sit in a classroom to learn how to teach physical education. And I thought, this is ridiculous. What have I done with my life? But here's what I remember. One of the many things, mistakes, and they were mine. Okay, I remember two things, lying. I remember two things. The instructor had a different color of nail polish on every single day. It was a summer class. We met five days a week. Every single day, her nail polish matched her outfit. Hello. This was 1995. Jen (22:22.39) Mistakes have been made. Jen (22:43.093) Love. Love. Tanya N Smith (22:45.713) Okay, now something that actually matters. She told us this story that when she was first teaching physical education at her school, that she had a list of rules and she so happily wrote one through 10, do not touch the balls, know, whatever, do not do this. Absolutely no running here. And she had all of these 10 rules and she said they were very clear and easy to understand. And she was so proud of herself. And her principal came in and he looked at the rules for a little bit and he said, so these are the rules for your gym. And she said, yes, they are. And he said, OK, those are good rules. But I'm going to have you take them down. And I want you to rewrite them all without using no and do not. Jen (23:36.302) I had literally just got chills. Tanya N Smith (23:41.459) And this was back before, you know, we assumed people cared about kids. Jen (23:43.296) Right, conscious discipline and all the things. Yes, yes, when we knew nothing. Tanya N Smith (23:48.061) So, yeah, we knew nothing but this principal did. And he or she said, that's not the way to affect change and to gain the respect and to have a nurturing environment. Take them all down. I'm sorry, my septic alarm is going off. you give me just a second to text my husband. Okay, hang on. Jen (24:07.776) Okay, absolutely. Plan for discomfort. Tanya N Smith (24:14.267) Okay, this is a fun game we're playing. Jen (24:21.922) Let's just accept right where you're at and brace this season, Tanya. Tanya N Smith (24:25.137) Thank you, thank you, because it's hot. Can you hear it buzzing? That is alarming because I'm assuming the neighbors can. It is so loud because it's attached to this wall of which I am sitting in the room of. So. Jen (24:28.684) I cannot at all. Jen (24:34.648) Wow, okay. Well, I wanna... Jen (24:40.556) Wow, I want to give a shout out to the mics that are only picking up your voice and not that your home is melting down currently. Tanya N Smith (24:49.139) I just heard Sean open the door to go outside. Okay, so here's what happened today at 6 a.m. I pulled the big dogs inside at 6 45 a.m. A crew showed up to take my roof off and put it back on from the May damage from the May damage. What? How can that be Tanya? It's February 2025. That's what I'm saying. It takes a long time when everyone in Benton County needs a new roof. And then in the process of that, we had to call a plumber who said, Oh, you need a new septic pump. And I was just like, what am I, an ATM? So Sean, we're just, it's hemorrhaging over here is what I'm saying to you. It's hemorrhaging. I can hear Sean out there like pressing buttons right now trying to get everything to be quiet. Jen (25:22.36) No. Jen (25:31.574) horrible I'm so sorry Tanya N Smith (25:39.331) I predict there'll be a plumber here in a few minutes. What do you think? Jen (25:42.476) I think you're going to get a plumber in the middle of the night. Yes. Tanya N Smith (25:46.149) my word. Okay, well we're just gonna keep going. We're gonna push on because it is very important to me to tell the story with you. I feel safe telling these stories with you because you point out to the listeners all of the gaps and you explain me really well. Like a translator, if you will. True story, I woke up at the end of January and I realized something huge about myself. Jen (25:50.914) I love it. Tanya N Smith (26:14.653) that I had been living in survival mode since, for me, I can measure it since the end of May. We had a lot of things happen around here all at once, and I truly thought I was handling them one at a time, doing a great job. Like, knock that one down, give me another. Knock that one down, give me another. And I noticed one day that the systems Jen (26:17.006) Mm-hmm. Tanya N Smith (26:42.877) that I had previously relied on to help order my thoughts and organize my days. Those had not even been thought of since the end of May. Tanya N Smith (26:55.567) And I do not use the term survival mode lightly. I'm not using that lightly in this situation. Let me read to you the definition that I found on the Google machine. And this is from jcmh.org. It stands for some name. Survival mode is essentially booting, as a computer term, in safe mode. Things like trauma, prolonged grief, and even just burnout can cause our brains to opt into booting this way. It basically, our brain is entering survival mode. Do you remember back when we had the big computers where we would turn them on in safe mode? So if there was a virus, the virus would not attack the computer and bring it down? Jen (27:34.978) you Tanya N Smith (27:44.039) That's what it's talking about. And survival mode clicks us into suppressing something within us in our brain. So anyway, what I've learned is any short or long term, very stressful experience can be traumatizing. And we can't measure it against someone else's trauma. So you know the trauma responses. Fight, flight. Jen (27:44.184) Right. Jen (28:10.094) don't know. Tanya N Smith (28:11.549) freeze and then the one that we all now understand that is, yeah, fun. So what I've learned again from this website that these result in your body saying, I will only do essential functions. That is all I'm capable. Jen (28:15.118) Yeah. Jen (28:28.014) Right. It's like COVID when essential workers were the only ones allowed to go and do the work, right? Everyone else had to stay home. Tanya N Smith (28:36.723) 100 % yes. Jen (28:38.198) Yeah, and your body is like, we're only, we're now I'm doing the bare minimum. We're keeping the lights on. That's about it. All extra activities will be paused. Tanya N Smith (28:48.241) Right. Right. Food in mouth, lights on, lights off. Do it over again the next day. Did we survive it? Yes, we did. Okay, we did something right. Keep going. Jen (28:59.918) Yeah. Tanya N Smith (29:02.739) Okay, back to this website. We often have a lack of focus. I'm raising my hand. A feeling of, wait, what just happened? Like the feeling of reading something five times over and you still don't know what you just read, what it's about, or even listening to it. You feel like you're operating on a short fuse or you're just simply exhausted and procrastinating things that you wouldn't usually procrastinate. because your higher functioning brain has shut down in favor of base survival. Jen (29:34.68) Wow, as you're reading that, I'm curious, like, what's your response to that knowing that has been you for months? Tanya N Smith (29:45.869) I was very surprised that I had not checked in with myself sooner. I thought I knew myself better than that. And I thought I was above it. Jen (29:52.686) Mm-hmm. Tanya N Smith (29:57.415) Yeah, I really did. And then people saying, you're doing a great job. You're doing such a great, you know, you're doing such a great job. look at you, you're doing a great job. And I thought, I must be doing a great job. Tanya N Smith (30:10.597) On the outside, I do believe I was. On the inside, I believe I was struggling a Jen (30:15.906) Yeah, yeah. I think we're. Tanya N Smith (30:17.329) You know, and isn't that what we kind of have learned to do in our lives? Keep it inside. You gotta move forward. You got, know. Jen (30:26.84) You're going to get up every day and you're going to keep going. Yeah. Tanya N Smith (30:29.095) Yeah. I'm hearing Joshua like yelling back and forth with Sean in the backyard. And I just don't think it sounds good. I just think something's going. Jen (30:37.07) I love that this whole scenario at your home is basically mirroring what we're saying. We're just accepting it. I don't know, we're just accepting it. It's fine. Tanya N Smith (30:44.147) It is so... Like, we're up to here in sewage. Jen (30:52.75) totally fine. Tanya N Smith (30:52.849) Moving on, doing a podcast like it's not even happening. Jen (30:56.174) That is clearly someone else's gig. I don't even know. Tanya N Smith (31:01.039) okay. So reading this article, this helped me. Okay, first of all, sitting down and Googling survival mode opened my mind to girl, that's you. And I think it's other people. Jen (31:05.954) We have. Jen (31:11.31) Sure. Jen (31:15.286) Okay, well let me go back to what we just said. The best way to make a change in anything is to understand what it is and why it is. Tanya N Smith (31:22.951) That's it. That's it. Because I didn't know how to help myself because I didn't know what I was helping. I just didn't know. Here's what I learned. And you have told me these things. Here it is written out in one sentence. Well, two. There are three ways of responding to manage and prevent survival mode. Self-compassion. who just said that? Self-regulation. who said that? Embrace. Jen (31:24.887) Yeah Tanya N Smith (31:51.545) and self-care. who said that? That was you. Self-compassion, self-regulation. I know what I'm gonna do when it happens to me. I'm gonna pre-plan. Self-care. I'm gonna accept where I am and not be ashamed of it. Gonna move on. Okay, I have to text them because the alarm just went off again. Jen (31:59.854) Mm-hmm. Jen (32:14.252) I love it. We're just going to accept right where we're at. Tanya's self-regulating her emotions right now and caring for the family. Jen (32:28.654) You know, we really wanted to bring a real life scenario to the podcast today. Tanya N Smith (32:34.574) my word. Jen (32:36.876) Yeah. Tanya N Smith (32:38.043) Okay, yeah, I'm trying to, yes, I'm trying to self-regulate right now because I'm like, why? Why? Here's what I think. We must have something really good to say to people because it's very difficult to complete this podcast. Jen (32:43.447) Yeah. Jen (32:48.992) It's very difficult tonight. It's very difficult tonight, for sure. Tanya N Smith (32:53.819) Well, again, that if you want, if you feel like you've been in survival mode, it would not surprise me friends is what I'm saying because it snuck up on me and one day turned into the next, turned into the next. And here's what I ended up saying to Sean. Now let me, I'm not far removed from this, nor have I completely popped out of this mode because it was just days ago I said to Sean, my goodness, I only do two things a day. Jen (33:04.462) Mm-hmm. Tanya N Smith (33:23.215) I am not okay. And he said, Jen (33:25.87) You're just becoming aware of what is happening to you. Yeah. Tanya N Smith (33:32.273) Yeah, just now. So I'm going to work on self-compassion, self-regulation, especially when my septic alarm is screaming in my ear while I'm podcasting. And I think I do a pretty good job of self-care. So I'm going to be like, you know what? Good job. Keep it up. Keep it up. But yeah. Jen (33:51.682) Keep it up. You're doing well. Well, one of my favorite questions to ask you all the time is how are you resourcing yourself? How are you taking care of yourself? And so let's just have a mini coaching session right now. How are you resourcing yourself now that we know where you are and how you are? Tanya N Smith (34:00.025) Okay, I love it when you ask me that question. I love it when you ask me that. Jen (34:15.842) What are the ways that you're going to support yourself? Tanya N Smith (34:20.037) Okay, I am going back to time blocking my days. And this is not because I'm trying to regulate and what am I trying to militarize my life? It's because like I heard someone say recently, if you have a dog, what do you want to do? You want to build the dog offense? Why do you build the dog offense? Cause you want it to run around and enjoy its life. So when I time block my days, it means, Jen (34:34.274) Mm-hmm. Tanya N Smith (34:48.623) On Tuesdays, that day is all about this instead of everyone else's. Or Thursdays, that is self-care day from morning to evening. You get to do that whole day. Jen (34:52.472) Yeah. Jen (34:58.99) Wow, so you're building yourself in some self care by blocking your time. You know that you cannot completely rearrange the schedule, obviously, and there are things that you're not gonna be able to manage time-wise because they're gonna get pushed to you. But you are setting up time to care for yourself and blocking time for the things that matter. Tanya N Smith (35:03.731) Mm-hmm. Tanya N Smith (35:09.523) Mm-mm. Tanya N Smith (35:22.887) That's the only way I know how to do it. I don't know another way. Jen (35:24.928) As your coach, I'm giving you two enthusiastic thumbs up on that. I do, yes. You're putting yourself back on the schedule and you haven't been on the schedule for a minute. Tanya N Smith (35:29.073) All you do? Let me tell you, that makes me so happy. Tanya N Smith (35:36.571) I am. you know, another thing that I appreciate about the awareness of survival mode is spiritual wellness. Jen (35:46.126) Hmm. Tanya N Smith (35:48.027) I heard that in a way that I had not heard it before, I think, you know, that's one of the, one of the reasons why I've enjoyed growing older is because I do hear things the same way, but different, you know what I mean? That's it. But it does suggest like we're burned out and we can't see the bigger picture anymore. And that is one of the reasons why our brain clicks to survival mode because we haven't stopped and like, Jen (36:00.066) Yes, I hear the same things, but they land differently. Yeah. Tanya N Smith (36:17.075) Maybe for me, for me it's journaling and having like, I can see my one year, three year, five year goals or what I want to do this week or today. But I have to see, I have to visually see it. I forget, I forget so fast. But when I stopped seeing that bigger picture burnout, because I'm like, I don't remember why I was doing that small thing in that way. Yeah. So like, Jen (36:40.362) Right. I've forgotten. Right. Tanya N Smith (36:46.771) I work so hard on myself and I work so hard on the job that I'm doing, but the fruits of my labor, they come out as skittles instead of watermelons. And I'm like, now, what am I doing this for? You know? Jen (36:58.39) love that. Say that again. Tanya N Smith (37:05.263) As like, for instance, right now, my house is literally falling down around me, but no, I'm kidding. It's not, it's all okay. It's figure outable. But no, the fruits of my labor sometimes come, they are picked as Skittles and I was expecting watermelons. The watermelon is coming. Like, but I forgot the bigger picture and that's hard for me to deal with. Jen (37:08.054) Okay. Jen (37:13.304) Yeah, it is. Jen (37:22.03) you Yeah. Tanya N Smith (37:28.859) And that makes me feel burned out and that makes me feel hopeless and that makes me forget all of my systems and then just boom, I'm back in survival mode again. Jen (37:37.302) Yeah, you get kind of tied down to where you're at and you can only narrow the focus on one tiny little thing. It's like Mark, my husband Mark all the time says it's the broken nail syndrome where it's like there's 50 death by a million paper cuts. There's 50 million things and then you break a fingernail and then that's just you can't cope, right? That's just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Tanya N Smith (37:38.236) So yeah. Tanya N Smith (38:00.945) That is so true. That is so true. I'm sorry, I'm gonna text real quick. Are we addressing the alarm? So, do you like that? Jen (38:08.302) I love how you said that. Are we addressing the alarm? See, I would have texted 911? Tanya N Smith (38:21.331) What is happening in my life right now? Jen (38:21.39) So we are addressing the alarm is what I'm hearing you say. Tanya N Smith (38:25.681) No, they just said we don't hear an alarm. And I'm like, what? can you not hear an alarm? What's happening? happening. Okay so anyway this is funny I'm so glad this is happening why it's happening but anyway you've got to I have to remember how to feel excited about something again because the original excitement like it wanes and I forget what I'm doing anything for so Jen (38:37.368) my goodness. Jen (38:50.734) Yeah. Jen (38:56.046) for sure. Tanya N Smith (38:59.827) Anyway, that's where, that's okay. That was where, that's where I am. Like everything's okay. Nothing terrible has happened in my life. I just got off track and burdened down by a lot of things at once, like everyone does. And I let myself absolutely fall under the weight of that. And so there we go. I'm just saying it could happen to you too. And if it does self-compassion, self-regulation and self-care, just like you told us in those four ways of moving forward. Jen (39:00.067) guess. Tanya N Smith (39:29.997) I'm going to go back up to those because they're so good. You said the best way to change anything is to understand what it is and why it is. And then we talked about go ahead and embrace that season that you are in. Mistakes will be made. We need to plan for the discomfort and be patient. And then fourth and finally, we're not resigning. We're not giving up. We are moving forward while understanding where we're starting from. Jen (39:59.522) Right. And I think that's so key in the story that you just told about yourself. Now that you're understanding where you're starting from or where you're currently at, why it's happening and what it is, you can come in and triage yourself and take care of yourself and resource yourself to the next place. Right. And so you're not, you're not quitting. You're not resigning. You're supporting yourself in a way to make meaningful change without prescribing to yourself a regiment and list of dos and don'ts. Just like in your story with the the gym teacher and the principal. doesn't have to be don't do this. It could simply say be, I see where I'm at. I didn't realize I was here. This isn't exactly where I want to be. This is the perspective I want to have. This is the joy that I want to put back in my life. Tanya N Smith (40:40.509) So true. Jen (40:58.328) Here's what I'm really attempting with these resolutions or these rules or these goals. Here's what I'm really attempting to obtain is that are a better way to obtain that than getting up at 5 a.m. and exercising in the cold and dark. Absolutely there's better ways to do it. There's better ways to take care of yourself than setting up rules. Tanya N Smith (41:21.959) I'm so glad you're here today. Thank you for talking us through this. I cannot imagine a better conversation, a more timely conversation, a more helpful way of learning how to move forward and process through things that we're processing through. We're going to do this again, right? Jen (41:38.35) I would love to do this again. I love the thought of having conversations to support ourselves, to grow, to learn, and to learn to take care of ourselves. Tanya N Smith (41:50.987) me too. Okay, friends, hey, that's all for today. But you can find the video version where you see me have an actual meltdown on Patreon.com/SuperYes. And we're on all the podcast platforms at the superlatively yes podcast. We're going to list all of our Instagram stuff in the show notes. So hey, don't forget to always check the show notes. That's like our diary. You've got to go there and check the show notes. We're putting all the fun stuff there. Jen, my friend, it's always so great to spend time with you and I can't wait to do it again. Jen (42:19.97) You too. Yeah, go check on your alarms. Tanya N Smith (42:23.279) I am. Thank you everyone for listening to the Super Yes Podcast. Have a great rest of your day. Jen (42:29.966)  

Have you ever felt like you were the only one struggling with weight loss while everyone else seemed to have it all figured out? Maybe you've thought, If I really wanted this, I'd be doing better by now. Or Why is it so easy for them, but I keep messing up? Or Have you ever set your sights on something exciting—maybe a new job, a passion project, or even a new relationship—only to feel that voice creep in and say, “Who am I to do this?” That's the sneaky little bugger we call imposter syndrome. And oh, does it love to mess with our heads Now, let me ask you this—what if those thoughts weren't facts? What if that self-doubt, that comparison, that imposter syndrome wasn't a sign that you're failing but just a normal part of the process? Today, we're diving into why imposter syndrome and self-doubt show up in weight loss, why waiting to feel ready is a trap, and how to stop comparison from stealing your progress. We'll cover: Why self-doubt doesn't mean you're failing—it means you're human. How doubt and action can coexist (yes, you can feel unsure and still make progress). The sneaky way comparison makes you feel like a failure and how to flip it to fuel your success. A lot of times imposter syndrome whispers “Who am I to do this?”. Well by the end of this episode, I hope you'll be thinking “Who am I NOT to?” If self-doubt and comparison have been steering your journey, it's time to take back the wheel. Are you ready to stop letting self-doubt and comparison call the shots? Aw yeah ya are! Let's go! https://confidentbody.coach/tips/ BOOK: You Are A Miracle   

Sheryl's first baby was five days late. Her second baby was five days early. From the first contraction to a surprise car birth, Sheryl's third baby was under an hour! Not only were the methods of delivery very different with each baby, but Sheryl's life circumstances were too.Julie and Sheryl chat about preparing yourself not only for the long, marathon labors, but also for the possibility of the fast and furious ones! How to VBAC: The Ultimate Prep Course for ParentsFull Transcript under Episode Details Julie: All right. Good morning, Women of Strength. This is Julie Francom, and I am so excited to be here with you today to share with you a very exciting story. One of my favorite types of birth stories, people might think I'm crazy, but– oh, do you know what? I'm not going to tell you what the story is, but if you have been listening for a minute, you might know when I say what my favorite type of story is, but I'm going to leave it to be a surprise. We are going to go ahead and read a Review of the Week really quickly, then I'll introduce my guest of the day. Okay, let's see. This review is from Apple Podcasts. It's from ccm57, and she says, “I am so thankful I came across this podcast and know it was an invaluable tool when educating myself regarding VBACs and the birthing process in general. My first son was born via Cesarean due to his stubbornness and refusing to turn from his breech presentation. Leading up to his C-section, I was devastated that I wouldn't be able to experience the natural birthing process I had always wanted. “I am in the medical world. I knew about VBACs, and it was never even a thought I wouldn't try for one in my next pregnancy. I found The VBAC Link halfway through my second pregnancy, and it was so addicting. I listened to every episode, sometimes multiple times a day, until my delivery. Every woman's story was amazing and truly helpful to me personally. “Thank you, Meagan, for being as passionate about VBACs and educating women all over the world. I can excitedly say that God was so gracious, and I had my beautiful VBAC this past August. Thank you to every woman who have shared your story on the podcast and for all of the women who are listening and expecting a sweet baby, I am cheering you on.” I am so excited to hear stories and reviews like that. It's really incredible what can happen when you get a group of women together to share stories and to help uplift and inspire each other. I'm grateful to this reviewer today and to all of you listening, to everyone who has shared their story on the podcast, and to everybody who helps spread the word about VBAC and helps increase access to people all over the world, really. All right. Well, guess what? It is very cold today. It's been a very nice 70s and 80 degrees here in Utah for the last little while, but it is now mid-October at the time that we are recording this, and it is raining and freezing. There is supposed to be snow dumping up in the mountains today, and I am just wrapped up tight in my big, poofy blanket and very, very excited to talk to our guest today. Her name is Sheryl, and she is going to share her Cesarean and VBAC stories with us. I am really excited. I am really excited for this story, you guys. I'm not going to tell you what we are going to talk about at the end because I don't want to ruin the surprise. It's going to be a great episode, and I am just going to go ahead and give it over to Sheryl and let her pick it up. Oh, first, hold on. Let me read her bio. I am still getting into the swing of things. Sheryl: Sure. Julie: I need to remember that. Let's see.Oh, yes. Sheryl is a mom of three. She has been married for 10 years to her husband. They live in Sugar Creek, Ohio. I love the Midwest except in the winter. It's getting ready to be not so fun out there. It's beautiful in the spring and summertime. Anyway, okay. She recently returned from living in the Dominican Republic for the last two and a half years which is really cool. I feel like everybody needs to have an experience living abroad. Sheryl: For sure. Julie: You just learn so much when you are in a foreign country experiencing different things. I feel like it's very valuable. Anyway, that was a little bit of a tangent. But now, for real, we are going to give it over to Sheryl. Go ahead, Sheryl. Sheryl: Okay, well thanks so much for having me on. This is super fun.Julie: Of course. Sheryl: Yeah, I'm not sure where you want me to start, but I have had two VBACs and very different experiences with both. My first was a C-section. I'll start with his story a little bit. He's 6-years-old, so six years ago, I knew I wanted to have a natural birth. I took a natural childbirth class. I felt like I had prepared, but I don't think I had mentally prepared for birth very well. I think if I could do it again, I would definitely have hired a doula just to help with the mental aspect. I was five days late. I told my husband, “I'm not going to work tomorrow.” It was Sunday night. I was like, “There is no way I'm going to work tomorrow. I will go into labor tonight because I can't go to work tomorrow pregnant.” He was like, “Okay.” We went on a truck drive on a bumpy road. We played mini-golf. We were like, “Okay.” We started watching a movie. I was like, “I think I'm cramping a little bit. Okay, this is great.” We finally went to bed, and yep. Sure enough, a few hours later, I woke up with contractions, and I was so excited. I was very taken back by how painful they were. Now, looking back, it was like, okay. Those contractions weren't even that bad. It was going to get so much worse. I was progressing great. I think I went to the hospital when they were 3.5-4 minutes apart. I think I got there. I think I was dilated to a 4 or 5, so they were like, “Yeah, you're progressing really well. This is great.” I figured it was 7:00 in the morning. We would have a baby by noon. At 11:00, I said that I wanted to get in the birth tub or just labor, but I wanted to get out to have the baby. I was in the tub. Now, looking back, I think I was in transition. I ended up vomiting a little bit and just being so nauseous and in so much pain. The water did help, then they came and checked me and were like, “You are an 8.” They were like, “You should get out if you don't want to have your baby in the water.” I was so excited. They came and got things ready, then I really got fearful at that point. I was just very scared about what was going to happen and all of the things. They came and checked me, and they were like, “Oh, no. You're not dilated that much. You're maybe a 7.” I just tried to keep laboring on. We ended up doing some different pain management. I was just not progressing anymore. At this point, I think it was 14-15 hours, so I was just exhausted. I was very thankful. One of the midwives at the practice that I was at was off that day. She had actually been on vacation. They let her know, “Hey, just so you know, Sheryl is at the hospital. She is having a really hard time. We can't figure out why she's not progressing further.” She was like, “I'm going in.” She came in. She was so kind, and she worked for hours trying different positions and everything possible. Finally, she was like, “Okay.” I think it was 8:00 at night. She said, “You are exhausted. Let's do an epidural,” which I didn't want because I was like, “I don't want needles. I hate needles.” I got an epidural. I got a little bit of a nap. It worked for about an hour, then it stopped working. The pain came back, but then obviously, there's nothing you can do except lay there. I was at a 9, and it wouldn't go any further. She kept trying different things even with the epidural. Finally, she was like, “Okay, he's actually gone back up. He was down, and now he's back up.” She said she was going to go talk to the doctor and see what he thinks we should do. They came back. It was 10:30 at night. They were like, “I think it's time for a C-section. We don't know why he's going back up, but typically, it's a sign that things are not going well, so we're going to do a C-section.” At that point, you're just so tired that you're like, “Okay, yeah. Whatever we have to do to get him out.” They ended up doing a C-section. I was so tired that I was falling asleep while they were doing the spinal tap. I was just exhausted. The C-section went very well. My postpartum was hard. I think just as a first-time mom with a C-section and all of those, and then feeling like a failure. That was a really challenging time, but right away, the doctor told me that they were one in the area that was known for VBACs. They had successful VBACs. He told me and my husband right away, “You will be able to have a VBAC. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to have a VBAC for your next.” Julie: Oh, I love that. I love that they said that to you right from the get-go.Sheryl: Yeah. It was so great, so it was like, “Okay. We know that the next one will be a VBAC.” We actually had a miscarriage between baby number one and baby number two. That was really challenging. It was a surprise. At that point, we had committed to move to Haiti. We weren't planning on getting pregnant, but we got pregnant, then 10 weeks later, we miscarried. Julie: Wow. Sheryl: It was definitely a difficult time, and it was the year 2020. I don't think I need to say anymore than that. It was February 2020 when I miscarried. Julie: Oh, Sheryl. COVID ruined everything. It really did. Sheryl: It was definitely a challenging year. We were ready to go on a mission. That got delayed until we ended up moving to Haiti in March 2021. We were there for almost 6 months, and then their president was assassinated, so the country became really turmoiled and it was becoming unsafe for Americans to be living there. Our mission board thought it would be best to pull us home. At that time, we had planned, okay. We moved in March. If we start trying for baby number two in June, we would have been in Haiti for a year. We'll start trying. We had kind of started trying, then we got pulled out in July, so it was like, man. Do we keep trying? Do we not? We were like, like, “You know what? We'll keep trying. We'll see what happens.” Yep, sure enough, in August, we got pregnant again with our second baby, our little girl named Felicity. Right away, I had that confidence that, “Okay. I'm going to have a VBAC.” I did a really good job, I felt, of preparing mentally. I read so many books, so many podcasts. I decided right away, “Okay. I'm going to have a doula.” I was just really prepared. But during this time, we were planning on going back to Haiti. It's so many details, but long story short, we weren't able to go back to Haiti because it ended up getting worse, not better. So our mission board was like, “Hey, let's find someplace else for you to serve in the meantime before you have your baby back in Ohio.” We connected with a mission in the Dominican Republic and ended up going to the DR. That was a great experience, but also, I waited to come back from the DR until I was 35 weeks pregnant. It was crazy to be in another country and know that you're going back. I definitely did not want to have a baby in the Dominican Republic. If listeners are familiar with the DR, they have the highest C-section rate. I looked at the number really quick. I was actually surprised it wasn't higher, but 58% of births are C-sections. Almost all of their natural births, they do episiotomies. That's just what they do.Julie: What?Sheryl: Yeah, it's nuts. So it's like, there's no way I'm going to have a baby in the Dominican Republic. Thank the Lord, I didn't have a baby int he Dominican Republic. I was very ready to do this. I had affirmations. I had prayers written out. I hired a doula and all of the things. I spent a lot of things praying for very specific things asking the Lord, “Okay, I don't want to go late. I don't want to have a long labor, and I want this certain midwife.” Her name was Leanne. I wanted her to deliver me. She's delivered two of my sisters' children, so she was a family friend. She's known us for 20 years. Those were my prayers that I kept praying. I asked family and friends to pray.I went in at 39 weeks. She was like, “Hey, you're dilated to a 3. You're 50% effaced. Do you want to do a membrane sweep?” I was like, “Yes, let's do it.” We did that. I went home. I felt fine. We did some food prep. I finally got my husband to pack his hospital bag that next day, then I guess I went to the doctor when I was 39 weeks and 1 day, but the next day, my husband was supposed to be working 2 hours from where we lived. He was like, “Should I go?” I was like, “Well, I think so. I don't think I'll feel anything tonight. Let's plan on going. I'll wake up when you wake up and make sure I'm not having any contractions.” He woke up at 5:00. I was like, “Yeah, I'll get up.” I went to the bathroom. “No, I'm fine. No contractions. Go on to work. You'll be just fine.” 6:30 rolls around. Whoa, that's a contraction. “Okay, I'm going to go back to sleep.” At 7:30, a contraction woke me up, and my little boy at the time would have been 3, almost 4. He woke up ready to have breakfst, and I was like, “Oh, that's a contraction.” I tracked my husband, and he wasn't even to the job site yet. I'm like, “Oh no.” Julie: Oh my gosh. Sheryl: Oh no. I made breakfast. I got in the shower. I was like, “Surely, they'll slow down.” At this point, they were 4-5 minutes apart. I was like, “They aren't slowing down. Okay.” My sister texted me. She was like, “Hey, how are you feeling this morning?” I was like, “I think I'm going into labor.” She FaceTimed me. I'm braiding my hair and trying to get ready. She's watching me, and she was like, “Have you let Javen know yet?” I was like, “No. I was trying to let him get some work done.” She was like, “Sheryl, are you timing them?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “That's every 3.5-4 minutes apart. You should probably call him.” I was like, “Okay, yeah, you're right.” I called him, and he immediately knew. He was like, “Ah, she's in labor.” He hopped in the work truck and headed toward me, but there was no way that I could sit here and wait. We had three people lined up to take Riley for us. Unfortunately, those two people both did not pick up their phones, and one was sick. I called number three, and she was like, “Hey, I will come and get you and take you to the midwife office.” They were going to check me there before I went to the hospital just to make sure I was progressing. She had three kids in the car. She added one more of mine in. It was an interesting 30-minute drive trying to labor while there were kids in the car and a lot happening. I got to my midwife practice, and she was like, “Okay, yep. You're dilated to a 5. You need to get to the hospital.”Thankfully, my husband met us there. We headed to the hospital. We got to the hospital. I was a 6. My doula got there at 12:00, and things were just progressing really nicely. At 1:00, I think it was 1:00, my doula was like, “Hey, why don't you go to the bathroom to see if you need to pee or anything?” I did, an at that moment, my water broke. They checked me. They were like, “You're a 9. You're almost there. Two more contractions. Okay, you're ready to push.” So I pushed for an hour, and she was born at 2:15. It was really an amazing birth. It was everything I had prayed for. It was less than 12 hours which I had specifically prayed, “Please, Lord, no more than 12 hours.” It was told, “Oh, you'll probably push for 2 hours,” and I pushed for an hour. It just felt like God was very faithful, and He answered my prayers. The one thing I didn't pray about, and this time I did, was for no tearing. I did tear pretty bad, so that made postpartum pretty rough. After Felicity, we returned to the Dominican Republic and were there for 2.5 years. We'll fast forward to last year, and were like, “Okay, maybe it's time for us to head back to Ohio.” We really loved it in the DR. We had a great community and great friendships. The ministry we were serving with was wonderful, but we felt like, “Okay, this is what we are supposed to do.”We came home for Christmas. We hadn't been home for over a year, so it was really exciting to come back to Ohio and see family. While we were here, I just was like, “Man, I'm one day late,” and I'm never one day late. I had said, “Okay, I'd better get that taste just in case.” I took it, and sure enough, we are expecting another baby. It was very surprising, but also, it was just like, “Okay, we were planning on coming home, so now we are definitely coming home.” We moved back to Ohio in June, and we were due the end of August, August 27th. I think I should have mentioned that with Felicity, our second baby, I was 5 days early. I was 5 days late with the first one, and 5 days early with the second. I think just with this pregnancy, it was so different because we were just in a different phase of life. I didn't prepare as well. I felt like in the last few weeks, I was scrambling mentally. I was feeling anxious and not prepared. I actually listened to The VBAC Link one day. I was really struggling. I was like, “I need to hear some positive stories.”I was driving to the airport to do an airport run, so I just kept listening to episodes, and it was like, “Okay. Other people have done this. I can do this to,” so that was super helpful. I would say that overall, the practice was really great. It was one midwife and one OB/GYN, but I did not love this time around. They were not as supportive as I felt. They were like, “Hey, we are not going to let you go past 40 weeks no matter what. That's our policy. You can't go past 40 weeks.” I was just like, “Aw, well, I don't want to be induced. I don't want Pitocin. I don't want to be induced.” They just kept pressing that, especially the doctor. I just didn't feel super supported. We decided not to do a doula this time. The last few weeks were kind of rough. I didn't feel great. It was the summer. We transitioned. We had two kids. Our second one, Felicity, is two, so it's a lot different being pregnant with a 2-year-old and an almost 4-year-old. Yeah. I kept going to the doctor. At 38 weeks, they checked me. They were like, “Yeah, you're not dilated at all.” At 39 weeks, they checked me, and they were like, “Yeah, there's no way we could do a membrane sweep. You're not dilated at all.” So at my 39-week appointment, they were like, “Yeah, we think it's time to schedule that induction.” They did an ultrasound at 38 weeks, and they were like, “Yeah, you look perfect. Baby is healthy. Not too big.” All of those things. It was frustrating to me because I was like, “If everything is fine, why do I need to be induced?” We were contemplating fighting it, but then me and my husband were like, “Hey, is the stress of fighting the practice worth over going into an induction with a positive attitude?” We decided, “Hey, we're going to schedule the induction. We're going to do our best to do everything we can in the next week to make it happen on our own.” Lots of walking. We tried everything. My induction was scheduled for Thursday, the 30th, I believe, or the 29th. The 29th. I went in on Monday and had an appointment. I was like, “Hey, I just want to get checked one more time. Can I do a membrane sweep? That worked well last time.” I think my appointment was at 2:30 in the afternoon on Monday. They tried, and she was like, “Nope. You're not even dilated more than a 2, and he's way far up. Yeah. You're just going to have to be induced on Thursday.” I was just so devastated. I left so sad, and I was just like, “Okay. We're going to do this. I need to just be positive.” But then that night after we had the kids in bed, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I told my husband, “I'm just so sad. I really thought I could do this. My body is failing me.” You know, all of those things. He was like, “Hey, let's just pray about it.” That night, we specifically prayed that I wouldn't tear, Leanna would get to deliver, and that it would go really quickly. That was at 10:30 at night. We quickly did a lap around outside, just trying to calm me dow and then hopefully a walk would start something. Finally, we went to bed at 11:30. As I was climbing into bed, I felt a contraction. I was like, “Oh wow. That's been the most painful one I've ever had. Okay, I'm going to go to bed.” I had another one about 8 minutes later, but didn't think anything of it. I finally fell asleep, and I kept feeling them, but I was still sleeping. I didn't really worry about it. Again, in my mind, I have to be induced on Thursday. There's no way I'm going into labor. I woke up at 1:30 to an extremely painful contraction. All of a sudden, I felt a pop. I feel like I heard it too, but I felt a pop, and I was like, “That's my water.” I woke Javen up. I'm like, “Javen, my water just broke, and the contractions are very painful.” He quickly called his mom to come over and watch the kids. He called the doctor's office to let them know. I was yelling, “Hey, tell them that Leanne's supposed to deliver.” I got in the shower. I tried to start getting cleaned up, and I'm realizing that the contractions are every 3-3.5 minutes. But in my mind, my water just broke. I'm sure I had plenty of time. I was only dilated to a 2 yesterday. My mother-in-law got there. I got out of the shower and got dressed. Neither me or my husband were in a hurry, but I walked from the bathroom to the kitchen table. Contraction to the kitchen. I couldn't walk more than a few steps without having a contraction. I looked at my mother-in-law and I was like, “Man, I've never had my water break this early. These contractions hurt really badly.” She shook her head and was like, “Uh-huh. Yeah.” She looks at Javen, and she was like, “You need to get her to the hospital.” She's trying to get us to the car. I'm in so much pain. She was like, “You've got to get to the hospital.” The hospital is a 40-minute drive. We left for the hospital at 2:00. I actually rode on a birthing ball in the back of the car which now, I'm like, “Yeah, that probably didn't help slow the progress down,” but that was the only thing that was comfortable. I had my worship playlist going. I was in a lot of pain. I had a few friends who I had told, “Hey, I'm going to text you when I go into labor so you can be praying.” I texted a couple friends. I texted a sibling, “Just so you know, I'm going to the hospital. My water broke.” My one sister does some night work. She was actually still awake, so she started tracking me on my phone. We got halfway to the hospital, and I told Javen, “Javen, we're not going to make it. I need you to pull over. He's coming.” He was like, “No, just wait 20 minutes. You can wait 20 minutes.” I was like, “Nope. There's no way. You need to get the car pulled over right now. He's coming out.”I quickly got off the ball, and within 2 minutes of getting the car pulled over, Javen moving the driver's seat forward, and opening up the door, and calling 9-1-1, we had our baby boy. It was the most crazy experience. I say he came out in three pushes, but really, I didn't push at all. To experience my body just taking over is just an insane feeling. Julie: Oh my gosh. Yep. Sheryl: Yeah. The ambulance was headed our way but they were pretty far away because we were in the middle of nowhere. We were actually pulled over into an Amish farm. We live in the heart of Amish country in the middle of Ohio. I'm praying, “Please don't come outside and watch me give birth.” Luckily, no. We found out who the owner was and through back and forth, they were like, “No, we didn't wake up. We didn't hear anything.” So praise the Lord for that.I actually delivered my placenta before the ambulance got there. Julie: Oh my gosh. Sheryl: Baby Casey was healthy and just immediately had a head full of hair. He was the most beautiful baby boy. I held him on my chest. Javen caught him and handed him to me. Just to hold him, it was such a whirlwind. It was crazy. I got into the ambulance and realized that yes, not only does he have a head full of hair, but he has a head full of red hair. He has very, very red hair. He was just a surprise from every point. We got to the hospital. The midwife came to check on me. She was like, “How did this happen? I just saw you not even 12 hours ago, and you were not ready to have a baby.” Every prayer I prayed was answered again. Now I know, and I'll tell listeners, if you're going to pray, you need to be specific. Be specific when you say, “Get me to the hospital and not in the car.” I learned that. Julie: That is so funny.Sheryl: I did not tear, and that was something I had prayed for which was really cool because my midwife is older, so I think this was baby number 1900 for her or in the 1900s. She had always told me, “Hey, when you go to push, don't push the head out. Just breathe it out. Don't push and you won't tear.” As he was coming out, that's all I could hear in the back of my head was Leanne saying those things. It worked. That was really special. She was really, really proud of me for remembering that. Julie: I love that so much. Okay, you guys know I love a good car birth story. It's my favorite. It would be my dream birth. People might think I'm crazy, but man, I just dream one day of following somebody as they rush to the hospital in labor and then pull over to the side of the road, and I get to document a car birth. Anyway, probably not what you would use to describe it, but what happened when you got to the hospital? I'm assuming you got into the ambulance and drove over. They checked you out. You didn't tear and everything. Did you go home or did you stay in the hospital? Sheryl: We stayed in the hospital because they were like, “It's not necessarily you, but the baby. We have to monitor the baby for 24 hours.” My husband and I looked at each other. We were like, “We have to be here for 24 hours? We should have just gone back home and had somebody check on us there.” But yeah, it was great. I got in the ambulance. My husband had my phone. I looked down, and like I said, my sister was tracking me. I had a text message that said, “Did you just give birth on the side of the road?” I responded, “Yes, I did.” She said that as soon as she saw the car stop moving, she kept refreshing and the car did not move. She just knew. That was fun. I started nursing. I'm laying there in the ambulance, and I'm like, “Well, hand him to me. I want to see if he's going to nurse.” He latched immediately. They were surprised. Also, two of our EMTs were Amish guys, so that's fun. To live in Amish country, you do have Amish EMTs then, so that was fun. Julie: Yeah. Wow. That is so crazy. I think that is just such a way to highlight how every birth is different. We talk about how every person is different. Every pregnancy and birth is so different and unique in and of itself. You had three very different birth experiences. I love that. I was trying to do the math in my head about how long this was from when you woke up at 1:30. What time was baby born?Sheryl: 2:20. Julie: Oh my goodness. Girl. Sheryl: Yes, so less than an hour. I never would have thought. We did joke a couple times, “Hey, if you want your VBAC, just have it in the car, and you for sure will get it exactly how you want it if you don't want Pitocin and all of that.” We joke about that, but now we know that you probably shouldn't joke about that. It might happen. But honestly, I never thought. I'm a little bit crunchy, but not super. I didn't want a home birth or a free birth, but now, I get it. It was super empowering. I had so much adrenaline and just to be like, wow. My body did what it was supposed to do. I can trust it. It knew when to go into labor. Obviously, it doesn't always go that way, but this time it did. It knew what it was supposed to do.Somebody told me that their doctor said, “I never trust third babies.” Julie: I always say that too. Sheryl: Yep. It's definitely true. Julie: I always say that I don't trust babies. I especially don't trust third babies. It's just so unpredictable especially when you let babies do their thing. There are times when interventions are needed. There are times when Cesareans are lifesaving. There are times when induction is necessary, but I feel like the biggest majority of the time, if we just let the body do what it knows how to do, things will happen just beautifully and perfectly. Like I said, there is nuance there. It's important to acknowledge that, but a lot of amazing things happen when we just trust and create space for the body and the baby to do their beautiful labor dance and let things happen as designed. I think it's really neat. I think it's all neat. I'm a birth nerd. I think birth is neat. Birth is cool, and I think there are lots of really cool things to say about all of your stories. I do think it's really important that with VBAC especially, you can have a VBAC in lots of ways. You can have it in the hospital, a planned induction, a planned epidural, planned unmedicated, in-hospital, out-of-hospital, or however you want. A free birth, unassisted or whatever. You can do it all of the different ways, but I think it's really important. We talk a lot about, especially with VBAC, laboring like a first-time mom and being prepared for the long haul. Plan for a 20-hour labor or longer.But I feel like maybe it's a disservice to not talk about the other side when things can pick up and start really fast and go really fast because I feel like the perfect length of labor is a nice 8 hours. 8 hours is a good amount of time where it doesn't railroad you. You don't have to catch up and process. You don't feel defeated because it's taking so long. 8 hours is a really great length. I think it's a disservice to talk about that would happen if there is not time to get to the hospital or if there's not time to get an epidural. Sometimes parents rely so much on not getting a medicated birth that they don't think about what would happen if there is not time for that, then being railroaded by a fast labor and not being prepared for the intensities that come with that can cause birth trauma in and of itself even though the body is doing its thing and we trust the body. It can cause trauma by having something that you didn't prepare for or expect of plan for. I would encourage everybody that if you are planning a home birth, if you are planning a long labor, cool. That's great. It's great to be prepared for things. I always say to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, but sometimes, it's good to prepare for the other things too. Prepare for the things that are opposite of what you want or what you are hoping for or what you are preparing for because at least if you acknowledge them and make a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C, then you will be less likely to be unprepared or caught off guard or have the opportunity for trauma to be introduced to your story. I think it's really fun to explore all of these different things and hear all of the different stories and how different everybody truly is. I love that. What would you say? Sheryl: As far as that, a lot of people were like, “Oh man, my husband could never do that.” One, so many instincts just kick in. So many people said, “How did you know what to do?” One, I've had a baby before. Two, my body knew what to do. I just listened to the cues. Okay, what should I do? What feels comfortable? But then again, my husband was amazing. No fear. He caught the baby. He drove to the hospital with bloody hands, but he is a hunter and a farmer, so he's like, “Yeah, no big deal.” He's known as a cool, calm, collected guy, and he even is when he is delivering his own baby in the back of a car. The other funny thing was that since we had just moved back, we had bought a new vehicle. I had dreamed of being a minivan mom almost my whole life. I had always wanted to be a mom. Finally, my husband got me my first minivan. Baby number three on the way, we finally get a minivan. Luckily, it came with really good mats in it that had a wide lip around the edge. Everybody was like, “What a mess that must be.” Lucky for us, everything stayed right there. The next morning, Javen went and got me breakfast. On his way to get me breakfast, he stopped by the car wash and dumped it out, rinsed it off, and we were good to go. Julie: Perfect. Sheryl: The doctor at our practice was like, “You really should write that company and do a review for them.” Julie: That is amazing. Sheryl: If you are thinking of having kids, you should put that in. Julie: Maybe you'll get a free car. Did you hear the story about a guy who had a Stanley-insulated tumbler in his car, and his car caught on fire? After, he was going back through the wreckage. The car was literally on fire. He has a video of this car. He's looking through it. It's charred and burnt, then he opens up his Stanley cup and there's still ice in it. Then Stanley the company gifted him a new car. Sheryl: Oh, wow. Oh man. Julie: The natural advertisement for that. Can you believe it? Sheryl: Maybe I need to reach out. Julie: Do it. Sheryl: As we were sitting there in the hospital, we can't sleep after that. It takes hours for you to calm down after that much adrenaline. Life for the last four years, really, has been crazy. I think we've lived in six or seven different houses. We have been back and forth to three different countries basically. That part of our story is coming to a close. It was like, yep. Okay. This is a really great way to end this chapter of our life with a carbirth. Our life will continue to be interesting and crazy in other ways. Julie: That is amazing. It sounds like you have quite an adventurous life for sure, and what a story. What a story to tell. Thank you so much. Oh wait. Before we wrap it up, I want you to tell us your best VBAC advice. What is one thing you would tell anybody preparing for a VBAC? What should they do? Sheryl: Yeah, great question. I would say to prepare like it's a marathon mentally. Really think about what you want. What to you is a part of birth? If you follow the Lord, ask Him those things because He does want to answer our requests. He does delight in giving us what we want. Sometimes, He doesn't always answer that, but in my experience, when I've asked in this specific area, He has given me what I wanted. Really pray about it. I know that with every birth, I have gone and gotten a massage. For that hour, I have focused on, “Okay. What is an important part of birth to me?” That would be my advice. Really focus mentally on feeling strong and capable. Julie: I love that. I love that. Well, thank you so much for joining me today, Sheryl. It's been such a joy to listen to your stories. Yeah, so fun.ClosingWould you like to be a guest on the podcast? Tell us about your experience at thevbaclink.com/share. For more information on all things VBAC including online and in-person VBAC classes, The VBAC Link blog, and Meagan's bio, head over to thevbaclink.com. Congratulations on starting your journey of learning and discovery with The VBAC Link.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-vbac-link/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

'For those trying to win wars in the ancient world, large armies were a necessity. However, the personal prestige earned from a victory in single combat was still unmatched.' In this episode, the AW team discuss issue XVII.6 Duels to the Death: Single Combat in Antiquity. Join us on Patron patreon.com/ancientwarfarepodcast  

Katie has had a Cesarean (failure to progress), a VBAC, and most recently, an unmedicated breech VBAC!She talks about the power of mom and baby working together during labor. She is 4'10” and attributes so much of her first successful VBAC to movement. Katie's most recent baby was frank breech throughout her entire pregnancy. After multiple ECV attempts, she exhausted all options to seek out a vaginal breech provider. She was able to work with providers while still advocating for what felt right to her. Though there were some wild twists and turns, this breech vaginal birth showed Katie, yet again, just what her body is capable of! The VBAC Link Blog: Why Babies Go Breech & 5 Things You Can Do About ItThe VBAC Link Blog: ECV and BreechHow to VBAC: The Ultimate Prep Course for ParentsFull Transcript under Episode Details Julie: Welcome, welcome. You are listening to The VBAC Link Podcast. This is Julie Francom here with you today. I'm super excited to be sharing some episodes with you guys this year and helping out Meagan a little bit and keeping things rocking and rolling here at The VBAC Link. I am excited to be back, and I am especially excited to be joined by Katie today who has a really, really incredible story about her three births. Her first was a C-section. Her second was a VBAC, and her third was an unmedicated breech VBAC. I absolutely love hearing stories about vaginal breech birth because I feel like it's something that we need to bring back. It's only fair to offer people options when we have a breech baby. I don't think it should just be an automatic C-section. I'm excited to hear her story. I'm excited to hear her journey to find support in that regard. But first, I'm going to read a review. This review is actually from our VBAC Prep course. If you didn't know, we do have a course preparing you all about all of the things you need to know to get ready for birth after Cesarean. You can find that on our website at thevbaclink.com. But this review on the course is from Heather. She says, “This course was so helpful especially with helping to educate my husband on the safety of VBAC as he had previously been nervous about my choice. We watched all of the videos already, but will also be reviewing the workbook again right before birth. I highly recommend.”I absolutely love that review from Heather because I feel like we get a lot of these comments about people and their partners really being on board and invested after taking the VBAC prep course with their partners. This course is chock-full of information about the safety of VBAC, and different types of birth situations. It talks about different interventions and hospital policies that you might encounter. It talks about the history of VBAC. It talks about all of the statistics and information. It talks about mental prep, physical prep, and all of those things. There are videos. There is an over 100-page workbook. There are actual links to sources, PDFs of studies, and everything you can even imagine. It is in this course. I also highly recommend it. Anyway, thank you, Heather, for that review. All right, let's get rocking and rolling. I am so ready to hear all about Katie's birth stories. Katie is right here snuggling her sweet little baby with her. I cannot wait. I hope we get to hear some little sweet baby noises. They are kind of my favorite. But Katie, go ahead and take it away, my friend. Katie: Yeah, thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to be here and hopefully share some things that I would have loved to have shared with me. So let me just start from the beginning with my first baby 5 years ago. I was planning to have a birth. I wasn't quite sure what it would look like, but I thought I wanted unmedicated. It was my first baby, and I wanted to labor spontaneously. The labor was long, so 3+ days of labor. It ended in me getting to 10 centimeters and pushing. However, due to fatigue and the multiple interventions that I had and the cascade of interventions, I believe, resulted in a diagnosis of failure to progress so I had a C-section. It was, I would say, disappointing to me not because of anything except that I would have loved to continue on my path of vaginal delivery. That wasn't in the cards with this one for me. Then with my second 2.5 years later– oh, I should also say that I was at a teaching hospital. There were lots of people. They were very pro-intervention. You name it, I had it across those 3 days. So 2.5 years later when I got pregnant, I thought, “Okay. I know I want to attempt a VBAC.” My husband, my partner, was so on board. He got a shirt that said, “You've got this.” He was wearing it all of the time. We watched a ton of positive VBAC birth stories on YouTube. We listened to podcasts like this one. We followed all of the things on social media and prepared with an amazing doula. I went into spontaneous labor again and this time, I was sure I wanted– actually, I should say I had a membrane sweep, and then I went into spontaneous labor. I was sure I didn't want interventions for this one. My doula was on board. My partner was on board. I labored at home for quite a while. I came into the hospital. It was the same hospital. That doctor was not so supportive of me attempting a VBAC, however, another OB had said that because of our family planning, I said, “I think I want more kids,” another OB told that OB, “Hey, let's make it as safe as possible to do what she wants, so let her give it a try.” My doctor was semi-supportive, but I came in. I was 9 centimeters. It was unmedicated. I was in there for less than 3 hours. I pushed the baby out with a bar. I was squatting. They didn't even know the baby was out. In fact, the baby started crying, and it felt like minutes or hours in my mind, but it was just a couple of pushes. My doula said, “Baby out. Baby out.” Everyone rushed because they were so surprised because normally, I think, folks labor on their backs, and I had requested a bar. That was pretty amazing. It was just me and my son doing the thing. It was incredible. I remember that OB who was skeptical said, “You did it. You've changed my mind.” So that was exciting. 3 years later to now, I became pregnant with my third baby. I went in for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks, and the ultrasound tech said, “Baby is breech. No big deal. Tons of babies are breech.” Because I have some other health complications, I guess they deemed me as high risk. I went to multiple ultrasounds, so that means I get to see my baby once a month which also meant I continued to see that baby was breech each time. Each time, they kept saying, “Oh, don't worry. Plenty of time. Plenty of time to turn.” As we approached my due date, I was like, “I feel his head. I don't think he's going to turn.” So they started to let me know what type of breech he was. My baby was frank breech. There are a few different types of breech positions which I didn't know prior to this baby, but now I'm very well-versed in the different breech positions. Frank breech is basically a pike position. The feet are by the head, and his little rump was just hanging out in my pelvis. I was also hoping to birth at a birthing center with my doulas. This was different than that learning hospital that I shared because I just wanted a different experience where they were less pushy with interventions. I knew that with my last birth that they used the term “something pelvis”, but anyway, I was ready to do something different with less people in the room. However, when they found out that I was breech, I was told what I think is the stock option which was, “Hey, if baby stays breech, but don't worry, there's plenty of time and he'll probably turn, but this is what we'll do. We'll try an ECV, and if that doesn't work, we'll schedule your C-section. We'll give you an epidural, try the ECV one more time, and that way, you can go right into your planned C-section. But don't worry, we have time. The baby is going to turn.” I left and was like, “I don't want that. My baby is healthy. I'm healthy. I am on the fence about this plan.” Now, I'm 36 weeks so at 37 weeks, I go in. We have the ECV. They give me the shot to relax my uterus. The ECV is the external cephalic version where they put their hands and try to rotate the baby. It was unsuccessful. So I said, “Can we try again?” She looked at me like, “What?” She said, “We'll try again with that epidural when you schedule your C-section.” I said, “No, no, no, no, no. Can we try again?” This is where, I think, that advocacy and that information and research are so important. She said, “Sure. We can try it again.” We scheduled another ECV. I went back in, and it was also unsuccessful with her. She could tell at this point, I was grieving what I thought was the end of this journey for me, and also not necessarily on board with the protocol they had put in place. We planned. I said, “Hey, can I try a different provider?” I know that you can do up to four ECVS. I'm not suggesting that people do that. I just wanted to make sure that I did everything possible for me and baby to have a vaginal birth. They seemed pretty gung-ho about not delivering unless baby was head down. She said, “Sure. We can do that.” That was also unsuccessful. At this point, the OB said, and I appreciated this. They said, “I feel really uncomfortable delivering a breech baby. I think you should go to our sister hospital in a city away if you are considering breech because we don't have a NICU here.” That felt reasonable to me because I had said to her previously, “I hear you, and I hear that protocol with what you're suggesting. I also feel really healthy, and I will absolutely change course if me or baby's health is in jeopardy, but unless that is imminent, I consider breech a variation of normal,” so I didn't necessarily think that was the rationale for the C-section knowing what that recovery is like and knowing that I had a 5 and a 3-year-old back at home. Julie: Oh, I love that so much. I love that they gave you options, and they admitted that they weren't comfortable with it. So many times, doctors will be like, “We don't do breech here.” They don't tell you that it's because they haven't been trained or they're not comfortable with it or it's not safe, they just tell you that's not the protocol, and they don't offer you other options. I really love that, and I love the conversation you had where you were like, “I understand the risks, but however, this is how I feel.” I think that's a really healthy way to go about it on both sides. So, cool. Kudos to your provider. Katie: Yeah. Then that doctor suggested this. It was in the underground world. It wasn't like, “Go to the next place.” She also suggested, “Why don't you consult with UCSF?” That's the University of California San Francisco. That's maybe an hour and 20 minutes with traffic, and it can be up to 3 hours, but they do breech birth there. She referred me to have a consultation with UCSF to talk about breech birth which they are very comfortable with. The consultation was great. The people were really helpful. They also had a lot of requirements for me to deliver there. Those requirements were things like an anatomy scan to ensure that the head and rump sizes were comparable for safety of baby. They wanted me to do a pelvic pelvimetry MRI. Julie: Pelvimetry? Katie: Yes. They said, “You have a proven pelvis,” which is the word I couldn't remember earlier, but because I'm very short– I'm 4'10”--, they just wanted that in this case. I said, “Sure. I'll do all of the things if this is the place where I know I can make that birth plan with you and we can do it.” Then they said, “We also give you an epidural. You'll birth in a birthing room, then we'll transfer you to an OR. You'll have an epidural, and that's in case anything goes wrong.” I fully understand the risk and the why behind that, but given with my first baby, one of the interventions was the epidural and I labored on my back, I wasn't quite confident that was the way baby and I were going to do this because what I found in my second birth is me and baby working together and moving together was what, I think, was all of the difference in the world for us to be able to meet each other. That gave me a little bit of pause, but nonetheless, I was like, “Okay. They are being upfront with me about all of the things I need to do.” I had the anatomy scan. Rump to head ratio was 1:1. It looked great. They were scheduling this MRI for me to take. Now, keep in mind, I'm 38 weeks pregnant now. The other things I was concerned about, or more my husband I should say, was that San Francisco, like I said, is about an hour and 20 minutes away from me. With traffic, it can be 3+ hours. Julie: Oof. I've driven in San Francisco during traffic and let me tell you, it is a nightmare. Katie: Yeah. My husband was like, “What if you don't get there in time? How are we going to make this work?” These were all pauses that we had around it. Nonetheless, we were on this track and UCSF was so helpful and wonderful. I'm so grateful for my provider for recommending this consult. Then my doula, as well as other providers, started sharing information with me. I want to say it's an underground network of knowledge where people aren't advocating for vaginal birth on the record because either the hospitals don't want to or don't condone it for whatever reason. I guess you can guess the reasons whether it's money or policy or education and patriarchy, but there is definitely a need. Breech babies are born all of the time. They said, “There are three providers at that sister hospital (that my doctor had initially recommended that was 15 minutes away) who are experienced with breech.” I thought, “Okay. In the event of an emergency and I went into labor, that's where I want to go.” They had a NICU. They had all of the things that made me want to feel more at ease knowing that we were doing something new to me and to keep myself and my baby safe. I still told the UCSF doctors, “Don't worry. I know I'm 38 weeks, but my other babies came at 40 weeks and 1 day, so I've got 2 weeks. He's cooking for 2 more weeks.” Then, at 38 weeks– Julie: Third babies, man. Third babies. Katie: Right? At 38 weeks, 4 days, I wake up. I should say, sorry. The UCSF doctor also said one other thing to me. She said, “Please do one more ECV, and this time, do a spinal.” I was like, “Ugh, this sounds awful.” But I understood the rationale. The safest way to come out was head down. I wanted to compromise and do everything in my power to do that. She said, “Because they hadn't done a spinal previously, there's data that shows it's more successful.” She shared all of that research with me, so I requested that from my local doctor. My doctor was like, “We don't usually do this,” but to their credit said, “We will. We will absolutely do it.” Keep in mind, I went in. I was like, “I know that this baby is loving where they are at. They are not moving, but if I don't try it, I'll never know.” Knowing the risks of ECVs, and knowing all of these things, I did do that because it was a request of the hospital that was going to be potentially the hospital where I give birth, so I wanted to make sure to follow all of the things. I do that. It was also unsuccessful. Then, now fast forward to 38 weeks and 4 days, I wake up and it's been a couple of days since that ECV. The spinal they give you is on your back. I wake up and I have some stomach cramps. I thought, “Man, this is strange, but it's probably from the ECV,” because in the past, it did cause some cramping for me. Because I had the spinal, I wondered if perhaps it just was residual. In my past labors, all of my laboring started with my back. I had a little bit of back aching, but it was again, I chalked it up to the spinal and just recovering from that. I went about my day. It was right before Halloween. I'm telling my partner, “Let's carve pumpkins.” My 5-year-old had a soccer game. I'm trying to get him ready, and I keep getting these cramps. They start to be regular. I thought, “Oh.” I'm 90% sure I'm in labor. This labor just felt different. Maybe it was because it was a breech baby. Maybe it was because it was a third labor, who knows? But nonetheless, it took me a while to get there. Maybe I was thinking it wasn't happening and willing that 40-week mark. Nonetheless, I was laboring. I texted my doula, and I'm timing my contractions. We had agreed that she would come over earlier this time because the baby was breech. All of the doctors said, “Labor at home. Come in during active labor.” We agreed that I would come in earlier than I did last time because of the circumstances. She comes over. She says, “Where I'm laboring, if the contractions are feeling intense, however, I can talk and laugh in between them,” so we agreed that I might be 5 centimeters. I just started to think, “I've got to lie down. I feel super tired. I had this ECV. I want to keep my energy up,” thinking this could be a long labor. Let me eat something. Then she says, “Just go. Sit on the toilet because your body does something different.” I do that. It's 1:00 in the afternoon now, and my water breaks. My husband was packing the bags to get to the hospital thinking, “Where do we go? Do we go to UCSF? Do we go to that sister hospital?” I say, “My water is broken.” I have another contraction. She's watching it. She was like, “We've got to–”, and I started to feel nauseous which are all signs of labor. Julie: Good signs. Katie: Yes, so she was like, “Let's go. Let's go now.” We get in the car. I think this is funny. It's a little on the side, but my husband had set up the car seat right behind me. I'm laboring. I'm definitely contracting and trying to retract my seat. There is this car seat, so I just remember picking it up and tossing it across the side saying, “Why would you set this up here?” He's looking at me, “Oh, you are really in labor. This is clear.” I'm trying to lay down. He has the GPS set. I am in the car. We get going. It's now between 1:00 and 2:00 on a Saturday. There is a ton of traffic and construction. I'm looking at the GPS and I see 25 minutes to the sister hospital, and to San Francisco was 3 hours. We don't have 3 hours. My doula says, “Where are we going?” I say, “That sister hospital. Let's go.” I also happen to know that there are three doctors there through that grapevine and underground network who are experience at delivering breech babies there, so I thought the odds of me having one of them would be beneficial. I would much rather have had conversations with all of them, but I didn't plan to go there thinking I was going to go to UCSF. We get in the car and are driving in this traffic. I'm just looking at the GPS and at the time ticking down. I'm really quiet which was also strange because with my other births, I was super vocal. My husband and I were thinking, “I'm in labor, but maybe I'm just not as far along, even though my water broke.” I've never been quiet. I was dead silent through this whole thing just staring at this GPS. Then all of a sudden, we're going on a bridge called the Causeway and I looked at him, and I said, “I have to push right now.” Julie: No. Katie: He looks at me and says, “No,” which is not very much– he's a very supportive person. What he meant by this was that we didn't come this far to get this far. We're going to get to this hospital. We are driving, and I just remember internally that I was so quiet going inward. I was talking with my baby, talking with myself and saying, “Okay. We've got to get to the hospital. We didn't come this far to get this far. I'm not having a baby breech unassisted delivery.” That was not something that I was comfortable with. We get off the off-ramp, and we're finding the patient drop-off. I'm contracting and I see the sign, and my husband drives right by it. I look at him right after I contract and I say, “You drove right by the patient drop-off. You have to put on hazards. I have to get out now. I have to push.” He's like, “I can't. We're parking.” So he parked the car, and I was like, “What do you want me to do?” He says, “We've got to walk.” Keep in mind, the parking lot where he went is not right next door. It's a block and a half or two blocks away.Julie: No way.Katie: I just was like, “I can't do this. I can't do this.” He says, “Yes, you can. Yes, you can. You have got this.” So I was like, “Okay. I've got this.” I get up, and I walk. When I start contracting, I'm walking down this busy street. I said, “I have to poop.” I had this big contraction, and I think I possibly poop. I'm just looking at these cars thinking, “Why won't somebody stop and help me?” That's when I channeled back to this idea, at the end of the day, It's just you and your baby. You are the team. I contract. We are going. We finally get to the hospital. I have another contraction. I say, “Run in and tell them to help.” He does. I'm holding on to the railing. This lovely woman with her family sees me. She tells her 13-year-old son, “Get her!” I was standing by myself, definitely in labor.” She says, “Get her a wheelchair!” This amazing 13-year-old does just that as my husband runs back. He gets me this wheelchair. I'm sitting in it, but I can't sit down. Again, I think it's because I've had this bowel movement and maybe I'm in transition. I don't know. We get up and pass security, so security is yelling at us. My husband was like, “I've got to go. We've got to go.” We got to L&D and came in. This amazing nurse midwife welcomes us. I don't know if she saw me not sitting down all of the way in my wheelchair or what, but she yells, “Get her a room right now.” She says, “We're going to deliver this baby.” I say, “My baby is breech. Can you help?”She says, “Call this doctor.” My heart is so relieved because this is one of those three experienced doctors who I know is comfortable with breech delivering. He scrubs out of a C-section, I guess. She helps me take off my pants, and then realizes what I thought was poop was really– it's called rumping as a breech instead of crowning. She was like, “Change of plans. Get on all fours.” I just started laboring. The doctor comes in scrubbed out of that C-section. I know that the nurses are saying, “You're doing great. You're going to meet your baby,” and all of the things that are so wonderful. I couldn't speak more highly of the people in that room at that point. My doula joined us because it took her a minute to find us in all of the mayhem. He tells my partner, “Please make sure she goes on her back.” I had this vision of doing breech without borders on your hands and knees, but given that this doctor was very experienced with breech delivery through this underground network of knowledge, I was like, “Okay. We didn't come this far to get this far. I'll do whatever you want. Let's just see this baby.” I turn around after, my husband said, my baby was halfway out. He sees the legs drop which again, in a frank breech position, that happens. You see the rump, and then you see the back and the legs drop. He sees the rest of the body come out as I'm laboring on my back which I didn't do with my first. I wasn't actually, I didn't know if that was something my body was down for. But here I was delivering this breech baby. Of course, I should have known. Women are amazing. We do amazing things, and our bodies are built for this work. I labored, and then I felt him come out completely. I held my breath for a second because what I do know, and excuse me if this statistic isn't 100% accurate, but my understanding is that 1 out of 7 babies born head down might need resuscitation, but 1 out of 3 babies born breech might need resuscitation. So one of the things I was pausing for at this moment was to hear this sweet baby's voice, and so I just start hearing crying immediately. They tell me that his APGAR score was 9/8 which was exactly the same as my first VBAC. Julie: That's great!Katie: Yeah. They were like, “Baby is great. Baby is healthy.” They put him on me. I was trying to feed, but my cord was short, so low and behold, I have a feeling that the reason he was not interested in turning is because my cord was kind of short. He just was sitting fine where he was at with my posterior placenta up high. He and I sat and met each other. We celebrated. The doctor was so funny. He said, “You keep it interesting. You've had every kind of birth you could possibly have.” Julie: You keep it interesting. Katie: Yeah. Every type of birth you could possibly have. The nurses came in after. They said they wanted to come in and watch because they don't see this. They said, “This is amazing. We wanted to respect your privacy.” But they were so supportive of the whole thing. I just felt elated to have the people in the room and around me who believed in me and my baby as much as we believed in us to make it happen. I should say that I came in at 2:10 to this hospital. I delivered at 2:24. When I say it was fast and this was going quickly when all of those things happened, I wouldn't recommend any of those things. However, I think that advocacy and all of those things like knowing all of the data made me feel prepared to do that. That's my breech delivery story. Julie: I absolutely love that. I love that. I was like, “Aw, dang. Too bad she didn't have her baby in the car.” No, I mean that would not have been ideal for you, but it is a dream birth of mine. I mean, I would have loved to have my own baby in the car. It would have been amazing. I love the stories. One day, I dream of documenting a car delivery, but alas, here I am still waiting. But it's fine. Here's the cool thing. I really love how you navigated your birth. You sought out all of your options. You made a choice that you were comfortable with. You heard the risks that the doctors were telling you about. You acknowledged them, but you also stood up for yourself and your plan. I feel like when you can have that mutual respect where you can trust your provider and your provider can trust you, I feel like that's a great place to be. I love how you adapted and changed plans when needed, but you still stood firm for the things that you wanted. It doesn't always work out like that when you have to change plans, but I love that you had the plan and you navigated it with the twists and turns and all of the things that come with the unpredictabilities of birth. I love how you did all of that. I think it's really important and necessary to have strong opinions about how you want to birth. Like I said before, it doesn't always mean that the strong opinions that you have are going to hold true about what you actually end up getting. I think that the value in having those strong opinions about birth is the things that you learn along the way and the things that enable you to navigate through those changes of plans and things like that. I think that's really, really important for us to be able to have and do and be flexible. I do have a few different blog articles on our website related to breech babies. Now, there's one that is just recently published. It was a few months ago. Well, maybe it will almost be a year ago by the time this episode airs. It talks a lot about ECVs, the external cephalic version, in order to try and manually flip a breech baby. It talks about what ACOG recommends and ACOG's stance on it, things you can do, who is right for it, what may exclude you from having an ECV or attempting one and all of those things. It talks about the safety for VBAC and how it's performed, what it feels like, and all of those things. If you ever want to know about ECV, we have a blog for you. It's called ECV and VBAC: What you Need to Know. It goes into all of that stuff. I definitely recommend looking into it because like we said before, you don't really know your options until you have them, and the more information you have in your arsenal, the easier it's going to be for you to navigate those things. Basically, ECVs are pretty safe for most people. They have a success rate of 60% which is a really cool success rate. It's higher than 50%. You're more likely for it to work than not. Sometimes babies are breech for a reason, and they need to stay that way for some reason. There are really only a few things that exclude you which is excessive vaginal bleeding, placenta previa or accreta, if you have really low levels of amniotic fluid, fetal heart rate issues, if your water's already been born, sometimes providers won't do it that way, or if you have twins or multiples, I think that excludes you. It's listed here, and it makes sense. We've got lots of babies tangled up in there. It's absolutely safe for VBAC as well. We also have a couple more blogs about why babies go breech and some things that you can do about it. I'm sure, Katie, you probably tried all of these things, all of the Spinning Babies protocols, all of the forward-leaning inversions and things like that too that can help. There's another article in here about how to turn your breech baby– 8 ways to flip your baby. Like we said, sometimes babies are breech for a reason and they do not want to turn. I'm just really looking forward to the day where breech can be just a variation of normal again. The biggest problem is that our providers are not learning how to deliver breech babies. It does take a different skill in order to do that. You have to be really hands-off. You have to watch for certain things and depending on the type of breech, there are different techniques that you would use. Those techniques are not being taught. Kudos to your original provider who admitted that they were not comfortable or did not have the knowledge to feel comfortable in delivering a breech baby. I'm excited there are organizations called Reteach Breech, Breech Without Borders, and Dr. Stu. If you know Dr. Stu, he is leading a great mission to bring breech back so that women can have options for delivering their breech babies. So what happens if you don't know your baby is breech and your baby is delivered foot first? You can't just stop and go for a C-section right then. It's impossible. So to deliver breech babies safely no matter the circumstances, the knowledge there is important. I'm hoping that one day, that can be an option for anybody if they want that. All right, Katie, I'm so glad that you joined me today. It was so great hearing your story. I love how it all went. I do not pity you having to drive in San Francisco at traffic time. Yeah. I'm glad everything worked out. Katie: We ended up going to this other hospital closer. Julie: Yeah, yeah. But I mean just ever, not even in labor. Just ever. Katie: Yes. Yes. Julie: All right, Katie. Before we sign off, will you tell me, what is your best piece of advice for somebody preparing for a VBAC?Katie: Oh, I think it is so important to do two things. One, educate yourself and surround yourself around folks who are down with that education and believing in you and baby. What I mean by that is knowing what's happening so you can make those important decisions. You understand what consent looks like. You understand those risks. You understand all of the tips and techniques like in this case of breech and turning that baby, and then making sure that you also are advocating and you have people around you who are advocating, but not so stuck on that that you get stuck. You want to do what's best for you and the baby, but as you said, breech is a variation of normal. I think that being around people who are supportive of you, they don't necessarily have to agree with you, but they are working with you, is just so important to empower you because at the end of the day, it's you and baby doing the thing. People who believe in you as much as you believe in yourself and you believe in your baby are so important to get to that finish line in labor. Julie: Yes. I absolutely love that. You have to have people who believe in you and who are on your side and who will support you even if they don't necessarily understand your decisions. They trust you to make those decisions because that is a huge deal. Katie: And give you the information so that if the information you have is not full or complete, you can reevaluate. You don't know what you don't know until you know. I just think that you need to make sure you take it all in if you can unless you don't know your baby is breech and you find out when you are delivering and you make that snap decision, and it'll be great. Julie: Yes. No, I love that. There's something about people bringing you information especially in a respectful way because I feel like in today's world, when people disagree with others, it's very aggressive and condescending and judgmental. I think it's important that we can disagree respectfully but also bring information if you are concerned or if you have another point of view in a respectful way as well. I think it's received a lot better and I think that's where we can really bring that true change and sway people's opinions. It's if we do that in a respectful and understanding way. Yeah, I appreciate that. Good point, Katie. That was awesome. Okay, well thank you so much for sharing your story with me today. I cannot wait for the whole world to hear it. Katie: Thanks so much for allowing me the space to do it. I hope that women are able to explore their options and do what's right for them and their baby and their families. Julie: Yeah. ClosingWould you like to be a guest on the podcast? Tell us about your experience at thevbaclink.com/share. For more information on all things VBAC including online and in-person VBAC classes, The VBAC Link blog, and Meagan's bio, head over to thevbaclink.com. Congratulations on starting your journey of learning and discovery with The VBAC Link.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-vbac-link/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands