Misfigured Life

I dunno how we've gone almost a year without talking about credit scores - so surprised that I had to check the episode list.  But, better late than never - it's time to fix that shitty credit of yours.Having a non-shitty credit score is absolutely required in our society if you don't want to waste buckets of money and be wildly inconvenienced on a regular basis.  Companies these days actually assume you, the consumer, doesn't suck at life when advertising their products and offers. Anyone that doesn't meet that expectation will be incredibly embarrassed when they attempt to purchase or use those services and the company laughs them out of the building. Best case scenario, they'll do business with you but charge you a "Shitty Credit" surcharge, like an inflated "Security Deposit" for that apartment or your utility service - worst case scenario they just tell you to kick rocks.  It's a lot more than just buying cars and houses. Today we're gonna learn how credit actually works, what's causing your score to be so shitty, what factors are more important, how to manipulate your existing situation to maximize your score, and how to dig your way out of a shitty score and deal with those nagging collection agencies.Welcome to - “How To Fix Your Credit”

Last episode we talked about shooting shit, so this episode we’ll cover the flipside - how to not die after getting shot.This’ll be focused on how to fix yourself, as the odds of you having someone standing next to you to patch you up after getting shot aren’t great… But I’ll mention some steps that others could take to help you, and obviously you can do this shit to help someone else not die after getting shot too.Today we’re gonna learn how to assess injuries, control bleeding, navigate a sucking chest wound, apply a tourniquet, deal with shock, and maybe take a nap without suffocating on your own blood and vomit. Welcome to - “How To Survive a Gunshot”

Since the world always feels one bad day away from devolving into a shitty post-apocalyptic wasteland, understanding guns and how to shoot them would probably be helpful.Obviously you aren’t going to become a proficient sniper from listening to a single podcast episode, but I can provide most of the basic knowledge- you’ll just need to take it and implement it in regular practice.Today we’re gonna learn how to buy a gun, how to not shoot yourself with it like an imbecile, how to utilize a scope, and how to shoot that gun.  Welcome to - “How To Shoot A Gun”

I figure we all spend so much fuckin time at Taco Bell that most of us have forgotten how to not completely embarrass ourselves during any semi-respectable event.  Maybe you’re interested in learning table manners, maybe you think it’s a buncha pointless shit reserved for slobs who take life too seriously.  In the end, if you like being successful in life you’ll need people to respect you, which won’t happen if you act like a classless jackass 100% of the time. It might be a meal at a fancy restaurant, an important work dinner, or perhaps you’re just trying not to humiliate your significant other by being a slob in front of their parents.  If your boss sees exceptional table manners, they’ll assume that attention to detail, regard for proper form, and pride in what you do will translate to the workplace.  I promise, if they perceive you as a slob, they will assume that also translates to the workplace - whether that's right or wrong..  So it’s your job to manipulate them into thinking you’re a better person than you really are.Today we’re gonna learn how to navigate an invitation with class, arrive in good form, take cues from the host, use your cutlery appropriately, and how to generally interact with your food and companions like a professional. Welcome to - “How Have Table Manners”

It’s been a long break, but I’m back to insult your intelligence - hopefully every week without breaks for a good long while.You’ve almost certainly heard of the clown-show that is the stock market these last few months, with all the reddit-based retail traders causing a ruckus… A buncha those people made a lot of money...  More people lost their ass.You could continue just nodding and saying shit like “Yeah wow that’s crazy” when people talk about the stock market, or you could learn how the fuck it actually works and maybe invest some cash yourself.Today, we’re gonna learn what the stock market is, what causes it to magically go up and down, how arbitrary and stupid it all is, how to trade stocks, what “Options” are, and then break down a few options strategies so you can lose your money faster.Welcome to - “How To Trade Stocks”For the record, I’m not a professional and this isn’t investment advice, so probably don’t do dumb shit then sue me because you’re an idiot and lost all your money. 

Hey there, welcome to Misfigured.Today we’re gonna get weird and convince a group of people to do irrational things.Everyone has heard of groups of crazy people doing crazy things and following a crazy leader, but it never fully makes sense how anyone could possibly subscribe to the madness looking at them as an outsider.Today we’re gonna create an obsession worthy cause, frame that cause as a source of answers and belonging, establish rules and an ethos, recruit and manipulate followers, evolve and pivot messaging as the group grows in size, monetize the organization, and continue expansion.Welcome to - “How To Start A Cult” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Oil is like your car’s blood - if there’s not enough of it, or if there’s something wrong with it - your car will die. Your engine is basically just a shit-ton of metal pieces strapped together that are shoved around by controlled explosions. This creates a ridiculous amount of heat and friction. This heat and friction will wear down the metal pieces until they break, heat them to the point where they warp in shape which causes them to break, or heat them so goddamn much that they actually weld themselves together - preventing any of the parts from moving ever again. That’s where Motor Oil steps in. By sufficiently lubricating this metal, the friction is reduced, and less friction equals less heat. If you don’t have enough oil - more friction. If your oil is old it simply won’t lubricate as well as it should - more friction. If your oil is old enough, your filter will eventually be clogged by debris that naturally builds up, and the dirty oil will automatically bypass it through a relief valve, no longer being filtered. Dirty thick oil is abrasive, causing more friction.This is why your warranty becomes voided if you don’t change your oil - skipping an oil change can cause permanent irreversible damage to the most expensive piece of your vehicle - the engine, costing you thousands of dollars.Today we’ll learn how to drain the oil, replace the filter, add new oil, and dispose of the old oil. It’s not rocket science, but it’s cheaper than paying someone else to do it. Side perk, whether you’re a chick or a dude - changing your own oil will almost certainly impress that person you’re trying to impress, given almost nobody who grew up in a city knows how anymore.Welcome to - “How To Change Your Oil” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If you’re under 40 years old, you’re a Millennial by most standards. If you’re a Millennial, there’s about a 50% chance you own a home, according to the most recent census data.Also if you’re a Millennial, there’s about a 60% chance that you regret buying that home, according to a large poll by Bankrate.com.One of the main reasons you regret buying that home? Not understanding the ongoing maintenance responsibilities and associated costs.Almost nobody I’ve met in my age bracket or below could properly tell you how to maintain a home.The problem with maintaining a home, like filing taxes, is that it’s inexplicably not taught in our public education system. Homes don’t typically come with user manuals. And if you maintain your home based on the same advice your dad’s dad shit out back in 1946, it’s probably hit-or-miss. It’s an issue.Today we’ll learn what needs maintenance in your home, how to check it, when to check it, and why.Welcome to - “How To Maintain a Home” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Bitcoin, or “Cryptocurrency”, is one of those things that almost everyone has heard of, but almost nobody actually understands. A survey was done a few years ago and only 6% of respondents said they were familiar with how it works. That means that, statistically speaking, you have no fucking idea how this thing works that you probably hear about on a semi-regular basis, and that just won’t do.Cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, and the underlying “Blockchain” technology that drives them, is already integrating into our lives, and will unquestionably impact our lives in the future - because the applications for the technology go far beyond things like “Bitcoin”. Probably get ahead of the curve and figure out how it works today.Today we’ll learn exactly what Cryptocurrency is, how it works, what “Mining” it means, why there are many different types, how to buy it, how to store it, how to use it, and how to not lose it.Welcome to - “How To Buy Bitcoin” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I wanted to get one up to prepare you for “Health Insurance Open Enrollment” season that’s right around the corner.Every year a lot of people just kinda guess what health insurance to go with, or maybe just pick the cheapest option. Your employer will almost always recommend the cheaper option, as they share the cost and it’s cheaper for them. That doesn’t mean that the cheaper option isn’t your best option, it’s just important to remember that there’s more factors than the “Total Annual Cost” calculator they’ll usually provide you.Today we’ll explain how to sift through all your garbage options to find a balance between cost-efficiency and convenience. Side perk - some of these concepts can be applied to other types of insurance, so you might be able to walk away from this less dumb in more ways than one.Welcome to - “How To Choose Health Insurance” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s November as of this recording, which means Tax Season is right around the corner. Whether you owe money or you’re expecting a refund - you’re definitely annoyed that it isn’t easier, and probably curious why filing your own goddamn taxes isn’t taught in school. Taxes blow, and for reasons more frustrating than you might even realize. But we’re gonna figure out how they work, how to do them, and what half that garbage means.More specifically, we’re gonna cover the difference between W2 and 1099, Itemized vs Standard Deduction, Marginal Tax Rates, Effective Tax Rates, Taxable Income, and how to stick it to Big Tax Prep by filing your federal and state returns for free through their own sites (and not that janky fake free that suddenly costs a bunch of money when you’re halfway through because you drove Uber for a month or want to deduct your student loan interest)Welcome to - “How To File Your Taxes” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In light of the American Holiday “Thanksgiving” being next week, we’re gonna set you up for success to be less of a garbage person.This isn’t my preferred genre of topic - but it’s still a very real concept with tangible steps you can actively take to be better at it. Thankfulness and Happiness are a series of choices - ones you make all day every day without realizing it - and have astonishingly little to do with your situation or environment, despite people seeming to think they do.If you find yourself missing the good ‘ol days and find yourself perpetually waiting for the days to be good again - that’s because most of us are ungrateful little shits.The problem is that we’re all the sums of our experiences, and we like to compare shit to other shit. This causes us to compare every single thing in our lives to previous experience, or what we’ve seen, or what we’ve been told could be… And that results in everyone being perpetually disappointed because literally nothing is ever perfect or exactly what you “wish” it would be.We’re gonna tackle the actions that you can actually do and are proven to increase your gratefulness and overall happiness - we’ll leave all the unproven mystical spiritual placebo effect trash for the birds. We aren’t breakin out the magic crystals and essential oils today, is what I’m saying.Welcome to - “How To Be More Thankful” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Marijuana was just legalized in several more states, and I’m guessing there’s a lot of people out there plotting their new careers as pot farmers.Maybe you’ve already googled it, clicked the first wiki-how article that popped up, and are about to drop a few seeds in a few pots in your living-room and be wildly disappointed by your yield.Maybe you found an incredibly detailed and pretentious article about the 10 billion possible fuckin nuances to growing marijuana, and you’re plotting out a gangster $1,000 set-up that you’ll not only never buy, but if you did you’d realize that set-up and maintenance requires significantly more time and effort than you ever intended to invest.Regardless of which kind of stupid you are, we can all agree it’s harder to do decently than everyone initially assumes. It’s also incredibly difficult to put your thumb on exactly how much weed you can harvest in what period of time using what equipment, given there really are an outrageous number of variables.We’re gonna cut through the horseshit, ridiculous generalizations, and unrealistic expectations by laying out every tangible step and consideration to harvest an average of 1oz of marijuana a month in a simple, beginner-friendly, cost-effective indoor soil setup.Buckle up, because this one is a bit complex.Welcome to - “How To Grow Marijuana” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Hello there! We’re back, and it’s time for Season Two of Misfigured Life - comin at you from a new city and a new recording studio. Let’s get to it. You want people to stop judging you based on your gross lack of charisma and abrasive personality yeah?Great. Fortunately for you, humans are hard-wired to dramatically simplify the world around them on autopilot without even realizing it. This provides you, the unlikeable person, with an exceptional opportunity to game the system in your favor.Today we’re going to make a great first impression. You’re probably a shit person with a shit personality, so the trick is in ensuring the right traits are apparent in the first few moments of meeting someone.We’ll attempt to structure this so it can theoretically apply to both social and business settings.Welcome to “How to make a great first impression” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Today we’re going to learn how to manipulate and condition the behavior of our four-legged companions.Super well behaved dogs are uncommon - we’re always so surprised and impressed when we see them, and we all pretend they’re just “Really good dogs” - instead of accepting the fact that “Well behaved dogs” are created from years of strategic and consistent hard work and conditioning. Most people simply don’t have the discipline and willpower required to raise their dogs to be extremely well behaved. There’s obviously exceptions to the rule, genetics and personality can influence behavior - but, in most cases, diligent training can overcome those, albeit with greater difficulty.We’re gonna lay out how to potty train, crate train, socialize, and voice command train a dog. We’ll generally assume we’re talkin about a new puppy, although this can somewhat apply to adult dogs as well. Welcome to - “How to Train a Dog” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Today we’re gonna kill ourselves. Not literally - fraudulently. There’s a lot of reasons why people have fabricated their own early demise over the years, from cashing out life-insurance policies, to dodging student loans, avoiding jail time, or even just checking to see if people like them. We’re going to plan and lay out the best possible strategy for committing “Pseudocide”. There’s three primary steps to any successful Pseudocide. Planning and Executing the “Incident” Having a location and enough cash to relocate and hide. Cutting off absolutely all ties and contact to previous life. Welcome to - “How to Fake Your Own Death”. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Today’s topic is getting a job. We’re gonna write a kickass resume, find a job, apply to a job, and crush a job interview. Welcome to “How to Get a Job”. Step one is writing a resume. Well, technically the first step would be to take a moment of introspection and figure out what you want in life, why you want it, what’s important to you, and what you’re actually good at if you’re being honest with yourself. But I hate talkin about that shit because I can’t effectively tell you how to not be stupid or make bad choices, so we’re just gonna assume you’re like most people: You want a buncha money, you want it because you think it’ll make you happier than you are, it’s important that people respect you for the job you do because you think employment has anything to do with your identity, and you’re gonna lie to yourself and say you could be good at way more things than you actually would be.After all that bullshit introspection and the creation of your impeccable resume, it’s time to find a job. Fortunately for you, this is 2020. Almost ALL jobs are posted online for you, and the days of walking into businesses asking for resumes are all but dead. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Football is just a couple weeks away, so if you haven’t drafted that team yet you’re about to. We’re gonna focus primarily on draft strategy and week-to-week adjustment strategies - while trying to avoid getting too deep in the weeds.Right out the gate, let’s clarify we’re talkin American Football - not what we and a couple other countries refer to as soccer. More specifically, the art of drafting and winning in a Fantasy Football league.First things first - understanding what you’re working with. You can’t draft a winning fantasy football team if you don’t understand what style of league you’re playing in, how it’s scored, or how it’s going to be drafted.After you know what kind of draft you’re playing in, you need to understand what kind of league you’re playing in. It may be “Regular Scoring”, “PPR”, or “PPR Hybrid”. After you know the draft type and league type, you need to check what your roster slots and assignments are because these change league to league.There are a metric f**k-ton of draft strategies out in the world, and I’m not going to presume to have the best one - but there are some golden rules that will statistically increase your chances of winning regardless of opinions. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Today’s topic is something just about everyone has to do several times in their life, and - if you’re not rich - it sucks gigantic balls each time. Welcome to - “How to Relocate”We’re gonna talk about purging your useless garbage, how and what to plan, the importance of organization, and all the shit that everyone screws up that makes moving extra miserable. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The primary problem here is that sharks are pretty chill and aren’t really into fighting - which means it’s gonna be really hard to get a shark to fight you. This makes your first challenge “Picking the fight” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Let’s rob a bank. We’re gonna need balaclavas, gas masks, smoke grenades, guns, syringes, a boat, a submarine, a team of at least three, and an inside man. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Ever been in an awkward silence wishing you could fill it? Ever told a story that fell flat? Ever heard a story and wished you could take back the time that person just wasted? Then you get it. Let’s fix that and lay out how to tell a non-garbage story. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Today's episode we break down the considerations, options, and tactics to possibly win a run-of-the-mill street fight, assuming you're an average human with no combative training or experience. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If you've ever wanted to pretend you're a secret agent, stalk your girlfriend, or get in your house after forgetting your keys - this is what you need. We're gonna breakdown what a tumbler pin lock is made of, easily build the tools to pick it from scratch-ish, then pick an actual lock. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

We take a crack at the incredibly overdone task of surviving the wild. Unlike most of the garbage advice I found, we'll assume you're not conveniently holding a bag full of camping equipment when the day comes. In Part One, we tackle Finding Water, Purifying that water, and creating Fire like a caveman. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This episode we'll break down how to know if your tires are trashed, survive the blow-out that happens when you abuse and ignore your tires for too long, and then change that tire on the side of the road in the rain. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Have an annoying friend that always recommends bowling as an alternative to sitting around? Are YOU that annoying friend? Here's a 15minute crash course on the Concept, Rules, Scoring, Technique, Considerations, and Etiquette, of the most prestigious and noble sport among balding middle-aged alcoholics. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This one's a doozy. We're gonna try to compress the entire concept and necessary associated steps with Starting A Podcast into a single episode. Buckle up. We're gonna breeze through some quick Background, how to narrow your Topic, discuss the best Recording Equipment, how to Use that equipment, some basics on Reverb and Mic Technique, touch on Editing, explain Publishing, and close with the hardest part - Marketing. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Lets take some pictures. Finally understand what Focal Length and Aperture actually are and what they do for you, learn how to effectively leverage Lighting, position your photo-shoots against Backgrounds that do you favors, get the Subject of your photography in the right mindset, and add some flavor to their Poses, and your Perspectives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

For our first episode ever, we'll start with Googling, because it turns out there's a lot of Googly stuff people don't use. We'll hit up Search Modifiers to make those searches more precise, Reverse Image search so you can more effectively stalk people, Tools and Games that are built in to the search page, Alerts so you can always know when things you care about are mentioned in the world, and Google Scholar so you can start using REAL information to win arguments. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.