Velvet Al Watches Movies So You Don't Have To

If a movie is called "Tiger Cruise," you expect tigers. And if that movie is set on 9/11, you expect the tigers to be fighting terrorists. Double fail.

We miss when this show was mostly about Angie Harmon in a bikini.

A soldier on a superstrength serum fights a red-faced Nazi? Where have we seen that before?

Can slow motion bouncing defeat slow moving blob?

There's worse reasons to watch a movie than the promise of a Scarlett Johansson upskirt.

Hey Baywatch Nights producers, we watched "Species" too. But not "Species 2."

It's just not the same without Alyssa Milano's boobs.

The beginning of Baywatch Nights: X-Files Edition.

What kind of deranged person fantasizes about spending time with Morrisey?

The Beach Boys wish they were as cool as the Heat Rays.

We're pretty sure the only reason anyone likes this movie is because Liv Tyler strips down to her underwear.

Offering unscrupulous landlords free cable comes in quite handy for a detective.

Zombie boobs. At least there's that.

Don't challenge David Hasselhoff to a game of racquetball. He will crush you.

We think Velvet Al downloaded the wrong video.

We apologize for ruining Easter for you.

Shouldn't the title "Epilogue" have been saved for the finale?

This film was made possible due to tax cuts from the country of Serbia. We believe that makes "Slotherhouse" an international war crime.

Why do killers set so many arbitrary rules upon themselves?

Is it just us or is that chicken in the cheerleader outfit kind of hot? Bonus: A sitcom pilot so bad it manages to make Rodney Dangerfield unfunny.

Not even a samurai sword is a match for David Hasselhoff.

I am not happy with the Dead Corpse To Angie Harmon In A Bikini ratio in this episode.

What better way to ruin your Christmas?

If Tom Arnold was my brother, I wouldn't tell my wife either.

She not only steals jewelry. She also steals hearts.

What better present for the man who has everything than forcing him to watch bad birthday cartoons?

Shannon Tweed doesn't show her boobs and Roddy Piper doesn't crack one liners. What fresh hell are we living in?

The Hasselhoff Detective Agency sure do take on a lot of cases that don't pay.

We learn a lot about werewolf mythos. We also learn a lot about stripper mythos.

Angie Harmon strips to her underwear and Geraldo Rivera goes into Berserker Rage. On second thought, you might actually want to watch this episode.

The intro disclaimer promised graphic nudity. They lied to us. Also, someone made a pilot for a TV show starring Peter Boyle as a talking dog detective and it didn't get picked up? Further proof there is no justice in the world.

Blood isn't thicker than Hasselhoff.

Most of the episode is spent discussing the finer points of orgy etiquette.

It's the pro wrestlers vs zombies movie that isn't "Pro Wrestlers Vs Zombies."

We already forgot what this episode was about.

How do you say jigglevision in Spanish?

David Hasselhoff in drag and a random performance from Skee Lo. Does television get any better?

The nice thing about adapting public domain stories is that if you want to, you can make the Little Mermaid a stripper.

B.B. King will do anything for a paycheck.

This film suggests that Aliens and Predators have set aside their differences and started mating. That gives us hope for the future.

Learn the origin story of the David Hasselhoff Detective Agency

Not affiliated with Bimbo Bakeries.

It's totally not racist to have the black guy go undercover at a chicken restaurant.

You'd expect a movie about boobs to have more gratuitous nudity.

Angie Harmon being really bad at phone sex gave us chubb.

Or Velvet Al Sees Andy Dick's Nutsack So You Don't Have To

How much would you pay for a night with David Hasselhoff?

Just what are the logistics of a vacuum cleaner having sex with a window?

The psychic's powers are real! And so are her boobs!

It's 4th of July! What can be more patriotic than a killer octopus?

We really hoped the witness was silent because she was a mute. What a let down.