Velvet Al Watches Movies So You Don't Have To

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Velvet Al provides audio commentary for bad movies, in real time, as he watches them for the first time.

Al Cerda


    • Sep 11, 2024 LATEST EPISODE
    • monthly NEW EPISODES
    • 55m AVG DURATION
    • 131 EPISODES


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    Latest episodes from Velvet Al Watches Movies So You Don't Have To

    Velvet Al Watches Tiger Cruise So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 11, 2024 54:20


    If a movie is called "Tiger Cruise," you expect tigers. And if that movie is set on 9/11, you expect the tigers to be fighting terrorists. Double fail.

    watches tiger cruise
    Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 4: The Strike

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 5, 2024 15:41


    We miss when this show was mostly about Angie Harmon in a bikini.

    Velvet Al Watches Captain Battle Legacy War So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 28, 2024 54:59


    A soldier on a superstrength serum fights a red-faced Nazi? Where have we seen that before?

    Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 3: The Rig

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 21, 2024 32:11


    Can slow motion bouncing defeat slow moving blob?

    Velvet Al Watches The Perfect Score So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 14, 2024 59:02


    There's worse reasons to watch a movie than the promise of a Scarlett Johansson upskirt.

    Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 2: The Creature

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 7, 2024 31:03


    Hey Baywatch Nights producers, we watched "Species" too. But not "Species 2."

    Velvet Al Watches Embrace Of The Vampire So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later May 31, 2024 55:48


    It's just not the same without Alyssa Milano's boobs.

    Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 1: Terror Of The Deep

    Play Episode Listen Later May 24, 2024 33:42


    The beginning of Baywatch Nights: X-Files Edition.

    Velvet Al Watches My Life With Morrisey So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later May 17, 2024 69:09


    What kind of deranged person fantasizes about spending time with Morrisey?

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 22: Heat Rays

    Play Episode Listen Later May 10, 2024 46:30


    The Beach Boys wish they were as cool as the Heat Rays.

    Velvet Al Watches Empire Records So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later May 3, 2024 59:24


    We're pretty sure the only reason anyone likes this movie is because Liv Tyler strips down to her underwear.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 21: A Closer Look

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 26, 2024 26:47


    Offering unscrupulous landlords free cable comes in quite handy for a detective.

    Velvet Al Watches Female Zombie Riot So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 19, 2024 46:46


    Zombie boobs. At least there's that.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 20: Rendezvous

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 12, 2024 25:13


    Don't challenge David Hasselhoff to a game of racquetball. He will crush you.

    Velvet Al Watches Asian School Girls So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 5, 2024 86:18


    We think Velvet Al downloaded the wrong video.

    Velvet Al Watches Easter Someday So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 31, 2024 27:01


    We apologize for ruining Easter for you.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 19: Epilogue

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 29, 2024 37:57


    Shouldn't the title "Epilogue" have been saved for the finale?

    Velvet Al Watches Slotherhouse So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 22, 2024 55:06


    This film was made possible due to tax cuts from the country of Serbia. We believe that makes "Slotherhouse" an international war crime.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 18: Vengeance

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 15, 2024 36:06


    Why do killers set so many arbitrary rules upon themselves?

    Velvet Al Watches "Chuck E. Cheese In The Galaxy 5000" (plus "Where's Rodney?") So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 8, 2024 70:55


    Is it just us or is that chicken in the cheerleader outfit kind of hot? Bonus: A sitcom pilot so bad it manages to make Rodney Dangerfield unfunny.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 17: Code of Silence

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 1, 2024 47:46


    Not even a samurai sword is a match for David Hasselhoff.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 16: The Curator

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 29, 2023 34:52


    I am not happy with the Dead Corpse To Angie Harmon In A Bikini ratio in this episode.

    Velvet Al Watches Christmas Cheer And Christmas Dress So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 25, 2023 44:20


    What better way to ruin your Christmas?

    Velvet Al Watches Christmas Thieves So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 22, 2023 51:23


    If Tom Arnold was my brother, I wouldn't tell my wife either.

    Baywatch Nights, Season 1, Episode 15: Thief In The Night

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 15, 2023 24:47


    She not only steals jewelry. She also steals hearts.

    Velvet Al Celebrates His Birthday So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 11, 2023 49:00


    What better present for the man who has everything than forcing him to watch bad birthday cartoons?

    Velvet Al Watches No Contest So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 8, 2023 48:23


    Shannon Tweed doesn't show her boobs and Roddy Piper doesn't crack one liners. What fresh hell are we living in?

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 14: Backup

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 1, 2023 35:11


    The Hasselhoff Detective Agency sure do take on a lot of cases that don't pay.

    Velvet Al Watches Strippers vs Werewolves So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 24, 2023 90:58


    We learn a lot about werewolf mythos. We also learn a lot about stripper mythos.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 13: Payback

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 17, 2023 37:17


    Angie Harmon strips to her underwear and Geraldo Rivera goes into Berserker Rage. On second thought, you might actually want to watch this episode.

    Velvet Al Watches "Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape" (Plus "Poochinski") So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 10, 2023 73:05


    The intro disclaimer promised graphic nudity. They lied to us. Also, someone made a pilot for a TV show starring Peter Boyle as a talking dog detective and it didn't get picked up? Further proof there is no justice in the world.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 12: Thin Blood

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 3, 2023 49:32


    Blood isn't thicker than Hasselhoff.

    Velvet Al Watches Mennonite Of The Living Dead So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 31, 2023 79:45


    Most of the episode is spent discussing the finer points of orgy etiquette.

    Velvet Al Watches Manson Brothers Midnight Zombie Massacre So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 27, 2023 39:01


    It's the pro wrestlers vs zombies movie that isn't "Pro Wrestlers Vs Zombies."

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 11: Takeover

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 20, 2023 34:40


    We already forgot what this episode was about.

    Velvet Al Watches Carlito's Angels So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 13, 2023 46:27


    How do you say jigglevision in Spanish?

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 10: Kind Of A Drag

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 6, 2023 34:47


    David Hasselhoff in drag and a random performance from Skee Lo. Does television get any better?

    Velvet Al Watches The Little Mermaid (Not That One) So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 29, 2023 71:12


    The nice thing about adapting public domain stories is that if you want to, you can make the Little Mermaid a stripper.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 9: Blues Boy

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 22, 2023 40:01


    B.B. King will do anything for a paycheck.

    Velvet Al Watches 2016 (Ghana) So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 15, 2023 75:12


    This film suggests that Aliens and Predators have set aside their differences and started mating. That gives us hope for the future.

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 8: Balancing Act

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 8, 2023 27:34


    Learn the origin story of the David Hasselhoff Detective Agency

    Velvet Al Watches Assault Of The Killer Bimbos So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 1, 2023 41:23


    Not affiliated with Bimbo Bakeries.

    Baywatch Nights, Season 1, Episode 7: Pressure Cooker

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 25, 2023 30:20


    It's totally not racist to have the black guy go undercover at a chicken restaurant.

    Velvet Al Watches Killer Rack So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 18, 2023 62:38


    You'd expect a movie about boobs to have more gratuitous nudity.

    killers watches killer rack
    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 6: 976 Ways To Say I Love You

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 11, 2023 36:36


    Angie Harmon being really bad at phone sex gave us chubb.

    Velvet Al Watches Deadly Punkettes So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 4, 2023 70:51


    Or Velvet Al Sees Andy Dick's Nutsack So You Don't Have To

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 5: Just A Gigolo

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 28, 2023 29:39


    How much would you pay for a night with David Hasselhoff?

    Velvet Al Watches The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 21, 2023 64:28


    Just what are the logistics of a vacuum cleaner having sex with a window?

    watches oogieloves big balloon adventure
    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 4: "Deadly Vision"

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 14, 2023 32:42


    The psychic's powers are real! And so are her boobs!

    Velvet Al Watches Octopus II So You Don't Have To

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 4, 2023 56:18


    It's 4th of July! What can be more patriotic than a killer octopus?

    Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 3: Silent Witness

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 30, 2023 33:50


    We really hoped the witness was silent because she was a mute. What a let down.

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