Love. Self. Umy!

當不堪被壓在心底時，只要難過傷心，它們會悄悄翻攪，不自覺呼吸急促！手心冒汗！肩頸僵硬！眉頭深鎖。 現在，翻開它們吧 從心裡深處。使勁勾出身體，擺在手上把玩，然後放在眼前。 盯著最近的不堪，從這裡 看見它們 Youtube: https://youtu.be/N0Gi7IfozNc Music by StudioAlivioGlobal from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

When we suppress our instinct feelings in the bottom of our hearts, as long as we encounter frustrations, those hidden unbearable will quietly come out, making people more aggressive or powerless. Find those hidden unbearable! From the bottom of our hearts. Pull them out from our bodies with a strong hook, and place them in front of us. Keep each of them a good distance, in a row. From now on, right from here, See Them. Music by StudioAlivioGlobal from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

我是什麼樣的人，我旁邊的人就是什麼樣子。我如果變了，我旁邊的人也會跟著改變。 所以我一直提醒自己， 轉變的過程才是關鍵。 比起知道我痊癒，我更想讓自己知道：我曾經病得很重，我曾經自我懷疑，我曾經無法接受自己。 我正清楚地看到「我怎麼走出來」，看明白後，我感到相當安全，我全然信任自己。 現在、我相信自己， 這裡、我是安全的， 那我要，走出自己。 Music by beetpro from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

I am the reflection of the people around me. Thus if I change, the people around me will change as well. So I keep reminding myself, The process of my change is the key. The key to the power of self-healing. Rather than knowing that I'm healed, I want myself to know the fact that: „I've been very sick for quite a time, I've been suffering from mental illness. I've doubted myself for a long time. I've been unable to embrace my feelings and behaviors.“ Once I realize this fact. I have seen it clearly. I feel secure and confident. I am secure now. I feel confident here. Now. Here. I fully present myself. Music by beetpro from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

Watch Clip: https://youtu.be/u5jSdJn7oyI Let's play Saman dance. I imagined myself as a white snake shedding skins. Day 13~15 蛻變 自我轉換期。想像力練習中：我是一條正在蛻皮的白蛇。 #我的薩滿舞初體驗 #引導者林雅雯老師 #七色嵐 #脈輪舞蹈 Powered by Firstory Hosting

跑步時，我的腳踝像橡皮筋一樣有彈性，不再緊繃劇痛。因為腳趾頭和腳球有了力量，他們正盡責地做自己。 我也想做自己。我想站到傷痛的背後，我想聆聽所有人的難受。尤其是有關性的難受，因為性是人的本質。 我沒有被侵害過，但我遇見這樣的人，我聽過他們的故事，我看過他們講述的表情。我的想像力很豐富，所以我會有畫面。 後來我發現了一個秘密：如果這些故事被自己或他人壓抑、變更或竄改，才是無止盡傷害人的行為。 「在被侵害的那一秒，我已經死了。」 那種說法、那種掙扎，我永遠記得。 我想體認這些傷口，我想陪伴那些拉扯， 我要用成熟的方式，理解與尊重這些傷痛。 繼續跑吧！我做自己。 Music by MichaelKobrin from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

When running, my ankles are no longer tight and painful, but flexible like rubber bands. Because my toes and the balls of my feet got strength, and they are caressing the ground equally. They are balancing each other. I also want to balance myself. I want to relocate people's pain. Especially pain about sexuality, because sexuality is our essence. I have never been sexually assaulted, but I have met people who encountered sexual harm. I have heard their stories. I have seen their expressions. I can imagine the exact scenes in my mind. After some days, I found out the secret: if these stories are muted, switched, or changed, either by themselves or by others, it will harm people, endlessly. "I was dead already when the act happened.“ I always remember this sentence and the expression of the speaker. I want to recognize these wounds, I want to accompany those who are struggling, and I also want to understand and respect their stories in a mature way. Keep going! This is how I become myself. Music by MichaelKobrin from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

自戀的時候，我覺得「我左手寫字比較優秀，右手拍照擺姿勢比較好看。」 自信的時候，我喜歡到處欣賞別人的手寫字。可是我看著看著，不禁會想，他寫得比我的右手差！他的字體比我的所手美，慘了！我被比下去了！！ 我回去一直盯著雙手練字，終於在昨天：我的手痛爆了。 我握筆握太緊了，非常緊。我擔心一鬆手我會解體，所以我不放開比。雙手互相模仿彼此的字跡，我一直比較，我愛比較，我和他人，我和過去的我比較，我和現在的我比較，我也和未來幻想的我，較勁。 我發現了這些荒謬的事情！ 我還發現了一個天大的秘密： 「每當我閱讀自己時，我常常打斷自己的聲音，換手重寫這些文字，沒來得及讓它講完。 有一天，我想嘗試一點新奇的感覺，所以我停止給自己評價與意見了。我聽完所有的內容...誒我怪怪的喔！我的話裡面，好像有些潛藏的語氣，還有隱約不同的心態…哈哈哈！我很愛演耶，來，來賓請掌聲鼓勵。」 拍完手，我將雙手緊扣。喔！原來我的右手指摸起來，是這種感覺，嗯～原來我的左手掌按起來，有這種觸感。 Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

Day 6&7: Hands When I lose my self-confidence, I think, "My right hand is worse than my right hand at doing everything, that's why I am always worse than everyone." When I have self-confidence, I admire all people's handwriting everywhere. But then, once I looked at it cautiously, I couldn't help but think, hahaha, he writes worse than my left hand's handwriting! Oh, no~His font is more beautiful than my right hand's handwriting, I failed. So I went back and stared at the letters from my left hand's handwriting to practice my right-hand calligraphy. Unfortunately, yesterday: I hurt my right hand. Because I hold the pen too tightly, very tightly. I was worried that I would be a loser if I let go of the practice, so my right hand kept imitating the left hand's handwriting until the fingers become stiff. Once my right-hand writes, I compare every detail of my right hand with my left one, from the way of holding pens, and writing letters, to touching papers. I notice my ridiculous behaviors: I am competing my right hand with my left hand. So here is the key. The key to stopping this habit: "Whenever I listen to my inner voice, I often interrupt it and switch hands to rewrite the words without having time for the voice to complete. But once I stopped giving judgments… After listening to all the content, there seem to be some hidden emotions and a vaguely different mindset ... Thanks for my confession, I clapped for myself softly. " After clapping, I held my hands together. Wow, this is how my right fingers feel when touching; Um~ this is how my left palm feels like when pressing. " I hold my hands, this is how my hands feel like. Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

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我發現平常走路時，我的右腳腳球尾端，沒有碰到鞋墊。我的左腳腳球下壓的力道，比右腳來得重。有多重呢？我踩踩看： 踩踏心底深處的脆弱 女性貞節的討論，是我遇到最揪心、隱晦、也最脆弱的議題。 尤其當它與我的未來(家庭與親密關係)、人際(交友與性別感受)、世界觀(我怎麼看待「人」)交織在一起時， 我無力無法抗拒它， 只能一直看著它。 我還看到，自己想脫離時間積累的性恐懼，拉近性與我這個人的距離，重構「性與生命本質」的初心。 我是 Umy 張亦萱。 --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

Day 3&4: Ball of Foot I notice that when walking, the ball of my right foot partially attaches to the ground, and the ball of my left foot pressed harder than the right one. How hard did I press it, let's see: Touch the ground of my heart. The discussion of female virginity is the most embarrassing and vulnerable issue of my generation. Especially when it is intertwined with my future (family and intimacy), interpersonal relationships (friendship and sexuality), and worldview (how do I view "people"), I can do nothing but stare at it. I stare at the issue of female virginity. I also see that I want to break through the sexual fears that have been accumulated for generations, come back to my own feelings towards my body, and reconstruct my understanding of “human.” I am Umy CHANG. --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

我是一個很平凡的人，平凡的很珍貴。「像跑完馬拉松的那瓶礦泉水一樣！」我好愛長跑，總是一直跑、一直跑⋯ 有一天，我收到一則訊息： 「謝謝您的作品，我很感激！」 我這一回頭才發現，我已經跑這麼遠了！原來關於「性」，我想表達的意思都完成了。那就書寫更本質的事情吧，我需要狠狠地打下基礎。 開始吧！100天我與身體的和解計畫。 「我多瞭解自己？」 曾經，我感覺自己透明，我開始流浪，現在，我選擇透明如水， 因為我想成為每一個自己。 第一與第二天：腳趾頭 右腳後三趾縫已可自由撐開， 左腳趾卡住了無法自主撐開， 可能和左腳腳踝緊繃有關係。 我是 Umy 張亦萱。 --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

I am common, preciously common: "Like the bottle of mineral water after running a marathon!" I love long-distance running, I was always running, running for care, for love, for myself... One day, I got a message from a passerby: "Thank you for your artwork, it saves me!" I was surprised at the moment, and I suddenly realized that I had come this far! It turns out that what I want to express about "sex", has been completed. I made it. So now, finally, I can start catching insights about more essential things. The issue I am eager to talk about the most: Sexuality. Thus I initiated this 100 Days of Reconciliation with My Body Project, from our body parts to human living parts. There was a period of time I felt myself transparent, so I wander to see my being. And now, I choose to be transparent like water, Because I am a mirror. Amaze my body for 100 days! “How much do I love myself?” Day 1&2: My toes, feel the ground. The last three toes of the right foot can move separately, whereas my left foot is stuck and the toes can't stretch on their own. It may because of the tightness in my left ankle. I am Umy CHANG. Music by Olexy from Pixabay --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

當象鼻向花苞愉快澆水， 我們彼此沉澱激情與感動， 在內心深處與自己沉著對視， When the trunk happily waters the bud, We enjoy the passion and aftertaste, Smiling deeply from eyes to heart, 一顆光點，在不經意的時刻， 伴著好奇和勇敢，安然著床， A spot of light, unknowingly, With wonders and bravery, Settled safely, 我，出現了。 I, appeared. 第三季，全季完。謝謝閱聽，歡迎分享！全新第四季：《性與身體感覺》籌備中。 我是 Umy 張亦萱。 The end of Season 3. Thanks for reading and listening! Welcome to share. Season 4《Sex and Body》is already in the works! Stay Tuned. I am Umy Chang. Music by Tomomi_Kato from Pixabay #home #family #life #sex #intercourse #genital #vagina #penis #education #emotion #anxiety #love #postcoitaldysphoria #lovesexumy #umychang -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

私密處，是安放快感的地方。 Genital, embraces our ecstasies. 當我手足無措的時候， 私密處就是我的黑洞。 Whenever I leave my body, it takes over all my nerves. 當我細緻呵護的時候， 她是甜甜圈！是花苞。 Whenever I cuddle my body, My genital is a donut, it is blooming as a flower bud. 我的想像力瞬間超越記憶力， 彷彿置身子宮口正準備落地。 It brings me to a space beyond my memory, As if I am in the uterus, waiting to be born. 我是從哪裏來的？從生殖口。 我是從哪裏出生的？從陰戶。 Where do I come from? From the genital. Where was I born? From the vaginal. 那，我是從哪裡開始有了生命？ So, where did my life begin? Music by JuliusH from Pixabay #home #family #life #sex #intercourse #genital #vagina #penis #education #emotion #anxiety #love #postcoitaldysphoria #lovesexumy #umychang ------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

Life flows like water. Our emotions, our bodies, our mental states, are always in this flow. We can say that it is about self-change, self-development or self-growth. When I look back on my past actions, events, behaviors, I often have some messages popping up in my mind. So I wrote them down: When I sense myself flowing like water, I am embracing „just the way I am“. But most of the time, I hide my real words and over-modify selfies. I am afraid of possible self-doubts and others' questioning. I have been unconsciously refusing to realize my feeling, right away. Gradually, I became uncomfortable. I am tired of self-blames and self-judgments. I want to quit this habit. I want to live easily and more relaxingly with people. Therefore, I decided to reveal my "pure feelings“ deep from heart. I present Season 3 through writing out my self-tension, speaking out my real emotions, and recording my body improvisations. "Dear me, Whenever you feel unease and nervous, face your own feelings first. See and accept 'how you are feeling now', understand your emotions and let them go.“ Presenting these paragraphs above is why I started my artworks from season 1 to 3. I heard my heart. These voices are my uniqueness. I appreciate my works. Whenever I listen to my inner voice, my mind fly over the water like a big whale, taking on human memories and emotions. Whenever I look at my naked body, my heart rush into the sky like an eagle, challenging the next impossible. My life is flowing calmly, like the sea. One more episode left for Season 3, Stay tuned Powered by Firstory Hosting

人是流動的。我們的情感、身體、狀態，時刻都在流動。我們可以說，這是轉變、轉換或改變。 當我回顧過往的行為、情緒、事件、表現時，我心裡常常出現了一段回應。於是我把它們寫了下來： 我的流動性，是什麼呢？ 是我正在感受「我所有的樣子」 但大多數的時候，我會隱藏樸質面向、反覆美圖鑿字，以避開各種好奇與揣測。我習慣撇開眼神，無法面對赤裸。 漸漸地，我不舒適了。我不想帶著自責、糾結、壓抑、評判的感受，面對我的人生。我想舒坦地活下來，更想舒服地與他人相處。 於是，我將內心深處「純感受」，經由文字書寫起伏、聲音擬真情緒、肢體即興舞動，不斷嘗試與理解自我張力，呈現出這些作品。 “親愛的我，當內心不安與緊張出現時，請優先面對自我感受。看見與接受感覺，要處理並放下，這對我自己，非常重要。” 這是整部作品， 我最想傳達的訊息。 我聽到了我的心聲。這些聲音是我的「本性」，它們是我獨特的力量和價值。 每當我傾聽內心的聲音時，我像一隻大鯨魚飛越水面，接下無數回憶與情感。每當我觀賞赤裸的身體時，我像一隻老鷹衝入天際，挑戰下一個不可能。 我的生命正在舒坦地流動。 第三季最後一集， 敬請期待～ 我是 Umy 張亦萱。 謝謝您的經過，歡迎分享：） #umychang #張亦萱 #writer #podcast #genderfluid #gender #sex #emotion #relationship #voice #sexuality #love #loveselfumy Powered by Firstory Hosting

魅力是什麼呢？ 是表達自己的模樣。 我有陽剛強硬的模樣。 也有覺得好丟臉、好軟弱、好羞恥， 躲到虛擬世界，逞一時之快的時候。 我心底柔軟，所以會慚愧。 我心思細膩，所以會多想。 我心聲溫暖，所以將人、關係、和自己攪和一起，總是牽掛。 我以為的情緒把柄， 就是我的豐富質感。 我好有魅力，我喜歡！ Music by HarumachiMusic from Pixabay -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

What is charm? It means to express my light and shadow. I show my toughness and tolerance at day. But whenever I feel ashamed and hurt, I cry for care and comfort at night. I separated myself into two sides. My strength for the bright side, and my weakness for the dark one. But last night, I took my light into the darkness. I touched my soft heart, I caressed my delicate mind. I see through my shadows. I see through my shadows clearly, especially when it comes to relationships, intimacy, and myself. I am emotionally tough and fragile, at the same time. Being a protector, I am the light. Being a shelter, I am the shadow. Sometimes I motivate ideas, I stand in the bright side. Sometimes I present sorrows, I walk into the dark side. Most of the time, I express stories, This is my charm. I welcome both sides. Music by HarumachiMusic from Pixabay Full Episode>> Podcast “Love. Sex. Umy!” #Mentalhealth #afraid #anxious #nervous #fragile #life #solitude #loneliness #selfrescue #selfceare #help #sex #relationship #love #intimacy #心理諮商 #害怕 #緊張 #不安 #脆弱 #生命 #孤獨 #性 #親密關係 #愛 #感情 #lovesexumy #umychang Powered by Firstory Hosting

What is solitude for? It's for appreciating myself. Right now, here, I deeply feel alone, I speak to myself. Hey, I feel terrible. I feel guilty. I feel gone. Who am I? I don't know. I heard what I said, I saw what I expressed, I understood my messages. I want to help myself. Hi, me, Thanks for being fragile. Thanks for being honest. Thanks for being brave. Thanks for being, who I always am. Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

孤獨是什麼呢？ 是答應看見自己。 現在、這裡，只有我自己。我深刻感受形單影隻，我與自己說話。 哈囉，我！ 以前，我是什麼樣子呢？ 以後，我想成為什麼樣子呢？ 我喜歡什麼樣子呢？ 我說不上來。 我真的說不出來！ 沒有人懂我。 我看見說話的自己了。我聽見他說的每一句話，我看到他臉上每個表情，我接受他每一種求救。 我想幫助他。 哈囉，自己！ 我想對你說： 是你，舒坦了我的脆弱。 是你，書寫了我的真實。 是你，接下了我的挫折。 是你，熱愛著我的生命。 你為我，我為自己， 勇敢地活下來了。 我看見了，自己喜歡的模樣。 Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

What is beauty? Is willing to listen to myself. Now, take a rest, have a seat, and lean on me gently... I know you aren't spaced out. What's in your mind? Tell me: I love watching you talking. I love listening to your heart. I love when I am with you. “You are different." Those eyes support me. The calmness guards me. My eyes turn to myself. "I am different." "I'm crazily different." My Beauty Is My Uniqueness. -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

美是什麼呢？ 是放手讓自己心動。 現在，放下手邊的事情，輕輕倚著我，坐下吧⋯ 我知道妳沒有在發呆。 妳在忖度什麼？說說看： --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

What is intimacy? It means to accept my sorrow. Every time when I feel sad, I am close to my emotions. Soon after, my grief comes. I shouted, I blamed, I cried, I cursed. --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

親密感是什麼呢？ 是承認自己悲傷。 在悲傷的那一刻， 我和自己相當親密。 當悲傷來時，我會慍怒、厭惡、咒罵、責難直到不能自己。 --------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

What is love? Love is allowing myself to be happy. When I am happy, I capture all my feelings. Although I may feel annoyed, depressed, and irritated from time to time, I always know that I have the ability to be happy: From sorrow, pain, tears, to comforts, happiness is just one of my feelings. I obtain all feelings. I am love. ------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

愛是什麼呢？ 是允許自己快樂。 在快樂的那一秒， 我看見自己的情感。 雖然偶爾會懊惱、低落、煩燥，但我永遠可以捕捉自己的快樂： 從悲傷、痛苦、淚水，到舒坦，快樂只是我的一種情感。 我擁有所有的情感。 我是愛。 -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

What does sex mean? It means gazing at myself naked. What is my sex? My sex connects to my nature. My sex means that even if one day I change my appearance, my voice, my attitude, and my expression, I will still embrace my nature. Say it more directly! Darling, even if you change your gender, your body, your look, I still love you. Let's go commando! I meet my naked self. Let's set it free! Our intimacy. -------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

性是什麼呢？ 是撫摸自己的赤裸。 那本性呢？ 是哪怕有一天，當我換了長相、變了聲音、改了態度、少了表現，我依然擁抱自己的一絲不掛。 說得更赤裸一點吧！ 親愛的，如果你換了性別、換了身體、換了神情，我依然愛你。 卸下了！ 我與裸身的自己對視。 啟航吧！ 我們的親密關係。 Photo credit: Umy C. ---------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

An Invitation to Meta-Thinking about Sex and Intimacy Hi everyone, I am Umy CHANG, I am an artist. This is my third artwork "Sex and Intimacy". What am I going to present? I am expressing humans' feelings after sex and intimacy, from the emptiness and solitude of asking "Who am I?" back to the peace and comfort of realizing "Who I am." This series of my artworks will be expressed in two ways: on Facebook/Instagram and on podcasts. The visual way is the clips and the written image of my left-hand English writing and my right-hand Chinese writing. The auditory way is the preview in each clip and the full recordings in my podcast. Each episode will be released every weekend until the end of July 2022. All posts and episodes are welcome to share. Enjoy! Photo credit: Umy Chang ---------------------------------------------------------- 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

大家好， 我是Umy 張亦萱，我是一位藝術創作者，這是我的第三部作品「性與親密關係」。 我要呈現什麼？我要表達性與親密關係之後，從「我是誰？」的空虛孤寂，回到「我是誰。」的平靜舒坦。 這一系列的創作呈現，會以兩種方式表達：視覺與聽覺。視覺是影片、左手英文/右手中文的書寫圖像，聽覺則是短影片的前導與Podcast的全文錄音。 上線時間為2022年7月的每個週末，歡迎您的聆賞與思考。 啊！所有的作品「皆可」自由分享喔！ 謝謝您。 Umy Photo credit: Umy Chang #umychang #lovesexumy #愛 #性 #性愛 #性別 #親密關係 #自我覺察 #焦慮 #憂鬱 #心理諮商 #藝術表演 #藝術創作 #裸體 #作家 #播客 #旁白 #瑜伽 #呼吸 ------------------------------------------------------------ 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

性為本，愛為質，被愛是奇蹟。 #lovesexumy #umychang Powered by Firstory Hosting

Love exists when our essence shines. #lovesexumy #umychang Powered by Firstory Hosting

我是我的觀眾。作者是他。 他不斷自述悲傷與不快的經驗，還有那些怒吼與哭泣聲，我覺得累了。我越來越看不懂他了。 我能理解，將自我的隱私暴露在眾人面前，相當難堪與羞恥，他堅持這樣做了。但我最不懂的是，我被迫去體會他的不堪、壓力與痛苦，這讓我非常不悅與難堪。有些隱密的我被勾起來了。 明明是我在讀他看他，怎麼好像我也被看了？ 聆聽與閱讀的當下，我承受不住，我會開始害怕。我為什麼害怕？我想起他的害怕⋯ 他因為所有和性有關的過去而害怕：他的性探索、性取向、性經驗、情慾流動。他知道哪些不對、不衛生、不健康、不成熟。於是我回想了一遍，並且在腦袋裏列了我的害怕。 我將它們按糟糕程度，給了一個排行榜。只有我知道的排行榜。 好誇張，這些的確蠻糟的。我暗自和他比較了，我懂他了。原來，他沒有看到我的難堪與隱私，他只是想告訴我，看過一次糟糕排行榜後，我會更深刻的認識我。下一秒，如果恐懼與不安又來了：身體上的病痛、情緒上的失控、精神上的孤獨，我就拿出這個排行榜，請問我「這件事有多糟糕？」隨後定位不安的名次，我害怕不了了。 我沒有想過，令我不安與羞愧的過去，可以讓現在的我，更確信我應該做什麼。我安心許多。 他說，「我」是一個中性用詞，了解了負面的我，那正面的我呢？不對。依照他逃脫框架的思維，他一定會說⋯ 除了正負面的我，我，還會有哪些面向？ 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

I am my audience. The author is you. You kept recounting your sad and unpleasant experiences, and your roaring and crying. I felt so tired of it. I don't understand you. I can understand how embarrassing and shameful it was to expose privacy in public. You insisted on doing so. But what I don't understand the most is that I was forced to experience your unhappiness, stress, and pain, which made me very unhappy and embarrassed. You recalled my secret shame and guilt. I was watching and listening to you, but why does it seem like I was being watched too? The moment I listened and read, I started to get scared. Why was I afraid? I started to think about your fear... You are terrified of all your sexual pasts: your sexual impulse, your sexuality, your sexual experience, your emotional blackmail. You knew what was wrong, unhygienic, unhealthy, immature. So I thought about my terrifying pasts and made a list of them in my mind. I gave them a ranking on how negative they are. It is my private fear ranking, no one knows. Yes, I admit, those pasts are truly bad. I secretly compared my ranking with yours. Now I understand you. You didn't know my embarrassment and privacy, you would never know. You just wanted to tell me that after analyzing my fear ranking once, I would know myself deeply in a totally different way. Then next time, if my fear and anxiety punch me again: whether it is physical pain, emotional breakdown, or mental disorder, I can take out this list and ask myself, "How bad is this issue?“ And once I rank it, I will be able to locate my uncertainty. I have no way to feel afraid. I've never known that the disturbing and shameful pasts could teach and support the present me to be confident in my every step later on. I feel much more relieved. You said that „I“ is a neutral word. After knowing the I in a negative way, we should explore in a positive way also. Well, I guess according to your habit of thinking out of the box, you would say… Except for „I“ being positive and negative, what other aspects of „I“ do we obtain? Powered by Firstory Hosting

I feel useless. (based on a true story) 我還是人嗎。(真實經過、真實錄音) 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

那次在圖書館的性騷，如果不是我媽喝斥那個變態，我會很危險。我媽好兇。 我會在被侵犯前，或是當下，深刻感受到對方的性衝動。我發現他人的性衝動時，會覺得我很羞恥，因為我察覺他人最私密、不想讓人知道的秘密。這時候我認為我侵犯了他的隱私，因為我就是發現了！我覺得很罪惡、齷齪、羞恥，所以才會想以掩護對方與順從的方式，讓我產生的羞恥感消失。 如果對方此時侵犯我的身體，我反而認為我正在補償自己的羞恥與罪惡感，所以很容易成全他，其實是讓我好過一點。 這是我慣用的自傷手法，叫做「我以為⋯」。我以為對方很難受、不得已、在求救，我以為對方正在羞恥、罪惡、不好意思，其實這是我自己的情感。 我很難受。我很羞恥。我被摸了，還是揉捏緊抓，不是他不小心，我感到非常抱歉！不好意思。 我真的應該好好跟自己道歉。我在搞什麼？我現在發生什麼事？是哪一隻鹹豬手？是哪一個大色狼？我永遠忘不了他，那個眼神、那種睥睨、那樣裝傻，還有靠近我的味道、鼻息、指尖、握力，到今天我仍歷歷在目。 就這件事，我不會解離、我無法失憶、我沒有人格分裂，我記得所有的經過。這是我自我傷害的鐵證。這些證據提醒我：哈囉，腦袋記憶體已經滿了，再被侵犯？請我直接吼出來。「喂！你摸我胸部。就是你，黑色鴨舌帽、黃色上衣、牛仔短褲的男生。性騷擾！抓住他。」 媽，我是不是比妳還兇？ 還有，母親節快樂。 Powered by Firstory Hosting

That day, if my mom hadn't shouted at that pervert in the library, I would run into the sexual harassment again. My mom was really mean. I will feel the sexual drive of the person deeply before the sexual assault, or at the moment. I feel ashamed when I find out about their sexual impulses because I detect the most private and secret parts of them. At this point, I thought I had violated his privacy because I just found out! I feel guilty, sorry, and distressing, so I want to cover up the assault and obey them to make my shame disappear. If someone molests my body at this time, I think I am compensating for my shame and guilt, so it is easy for me to fulfill them, which actually makes me feel better. This is my usual self-harm technique called "I thought…“. I thought that the person who harassed me was suffering, he couldn't help it, his behavior was an ask for my help. I thought that at the moment, he was feeling ashamed, guilty, and embarrassed. In fact, shame, guilt, embarrass are all my own emotions. I was uncomfortable. I was embarrassed. I was touched, and I kept letting people rub and grasp my body. Why? Because I wanted to apologize right away. To whom? I didn't know, I just felt sorry at those past moments. I should really apologize to myself. What am I doing? what happened to me now? Who is touching me? Those guys, they are the perverts. I never forget them, their looks, their acts, their hands, and their smells, breaths, fingers, and grips close to me. I still remember it today. In this matter, I will not dissociate, I cannot lose my memory, I don't have multi-personalities, I remember everything. These are hard evidence of my self-harm. The evidence reminds me that if I run into a sexual assault again, please, just yell: "Hey! You touch my chest. It's you, the boy in a black cap, a yellow T-shirt, and blue jeans. It's sexual harassment! Catch him." I am more direct and mean than my mom. Right, mom? Happy Mother's Day. Powered by Firstory Hosting

❤️重要‼️聽完請趕快看以下唱歌影片，不然會太難過！ 我是真的想過要去變性。我會揣想有外生殖器、有男性生理反應、有突然的性衝動。我第一次有這種思考，是在公車上被成年男子吃豆腐的時候，我被他用手肘推擠我的胸部，那時我15歲。我經常被騷擾：在公車上、在泳池裡、在圖書館、在人多的地方，擠壓揉捏我身體的那些人，而他們偏偏都是生理男。累積太多騷擾經驗後，我才發覺這是我的性別歧視。 從第一次性騷擾之後，我有了被害者補償心理，而且非常極端。我甚至經常揣想，如果一個生理男跪著求我和他發生關係，我就會幫他。應該說，我起初認為，是因為我不了解生理男「性衝動」是什麼狀況，而且我對「衝動」二字有暴力、失控、必須的想像，所以我在被侵犯的當下，絕不要刺激對方情緒，免得對方會受不了而死掉。這樣的思考，配上超敏銳的觀察、搭上天生爆棚的同理心，讓我一直覺得下面腫的生理男，好可憐！他們沒有選擇、難以控制偷瞄、下面這麼腫，這都不是他們願意的，他們會很不舒服，他們真的好慘！我要幫他，不然他們會去死。 然後我下意識掩護、合理化、盡可能扭曲我的行為。我好短視又愚蠢，只圖腦中的我好善良，只看眼前的我好有愛，我對這些稱號感到優越，我覺得正在幫助人。 我霸佔受害者的位子，讓經過我的人都變成壞蛋。我非常喜歡保護它們，就像保護可愛的嬰兒和小狗一樣。我對生理男的偏見，就是不把他們當「人」看。我將這些被我發現正在性衝動的男性視為動物。 我曾經以性別歧視我身旁的人，再以他們的作為給予特定偏見，結果這些既定印象讓我活得更麻煩。我根本自找麻煩！作為一個人，我就可以將性衝動視為成長的一環，釐清性慾來時我在想什麼？會有什麼反應？還可能有哪些行為？然後去找健康與合適的事情來抒發性慾。所以，是人就有性慾，是人就有性衝動，是人就可以合理處理性的反應。 哈囉！親愛的我，別再分男分女了！ Powered by Firstory Hosting

I've really thought about becoming a male. I would imagine having external genitalia, having male physiological responses, or having sudden sexual impulses. The first time I had this thought was when I was 15 years old when a man squeezed my breasts with his elbow. I had been constantly harassed since then: on the bus, in the pool, in the library, in crowded places, the people who rubbed my body or made a pass at me were all males. After accumulating too much harassment experience, I developed my gender discrimination. I had sexist concepts in all relationships. I got a serious Stockholm syndrome. I even often think that if a guy gets on his knees and begs me to have sex with him, I'll say sure. At first, I thought it was because I didn't know what „having the male sex drive” feels like, and I imagined the word “impulse” as violent, out of control, and shameful. So when I was harassed, I thought that the male who harassed me must be feeling guilty at the same time, thus I should never show my emotions, or he would be ashamed to death and kill himself. My thoughts on harassment, coupled with my super keen observation and misplaced empathy, have made me feel that for men, getting a boner is shameful! They have no choice, it is difficult to stop glancing at female boosts, to avoid erections. They are pitiful, they are very uncomfortable, they are really miserable! I have to help those males or they will die. Then I subconsciously cover, rationalize, and distort my reactions as much as possible. I thought that I am kind, loving, and considerate. I felt superior to all other humans. I am helping people. I am special. But I was unhappy, and I was often spaced out reluctantly. I dissociated from my feelings again and again. I occupy the victim's seat and turn everyone who passes by me into a perpetrator. I love to protect them so much, just like protecting cute babies and small puppies. My prejudice against males is that I don't see them as "humans". I see these males as animals. I used to discriminate against people around me based on their genders and then gave them certain prejudices according to their actions. But these stereotypes made my life more difficult. I'm asking for trouble at all! As a human being, I can see my sexual drive as a chance for self-development, and I can figure out what I was thinking, and what are my reactions when I have this impulse. During my period of sexual growth, I would come to realize the healthy and appropriate activities to enjoy and transcend my sexual desires. These are what a human should be able to do. So, dear me, stop having a bias toward humans. Powered by Firstory Hosting

[男女合拍對唱情歌] 點擊觀看完整對唱影片：https://youtu.be/Nbo1CCc0vKE 《你最珍貴》副歌、原唱：張學友＆高慧君 #duet #solo #JackyCheung #張學友 #genders #identity #splitscreen #musicvideo Powered by Firstory Hosting

[Multi-screen singing/Split screen singing] Check out the full MV on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ht1uSj8eXJo Refrain from The last night of the world, Miss Saigon. #duet #solo #misssaigon #genders #identity #splitscreen #musicvideo Powered by Firstory Hosting

我談戀愛的時候，特別享受有人說我溫情柔軟，我喜歡他們私底下說：「我簡直是天使！是聖母！」 實際上真正的我，早就死了。我還好嗎？ 我很不好。我正在害怕，我想要求救，我被虐待了。我被掐住脖子，不能放開我的雙手，我被緊緊綁住，不能鬆開我的手臂。 我就是恐怖情人。我自願去犧牲，意念是我的武器，她們捆住我的四肢、勒緊我的喉頭。 這是一種傷害。我在情緒勒索，使勁傷害自己。最後我就變透明了，我離開身體看到自己，我放棄感受沒有情緒，我常常不能自控地放空，我的意識不要我了，我忘記前一刻的工作，我的記憶離開我了，我到哪裡都想馬上離開，我的身分也不見了。我和我的情緒與感知分離了，我有類似解離的現象。 Powered by Firstory Hosting

When I'm in a relationship, I enjoy being told that I'm warm and tender. I like when my friends chat about me in private, "I'm an angel! It's like the Virgin Mary!" In fact, the real me is already dead. What's wrong? I feel bad. I'm scared, I want to call for help, I'm being abused. I was strangled, I couldn't let go of my hands, I was tied so tightly I couldn't let go of my arms. I am a lover of horror. My thoughts are my weapons, they bind my limbs and tighten my throat. That's a kind of injury. I'm emotionally blackmailing myself and hurting myself. Later on, I became so transparent, I could see myself through my body, I could transcend my feelings and become emotionless. I just got dissociated from myself. Powered by Firstory Hosting

我怕被問「那你？妳是什麼性別？妳有過性行為嗎？妳有伴侶嗎？妳有在交往嗎？」我容易顧左右而言他，我會逃避話題，我會對發問的人記仇，因為我不確定我是怎麼看待「性的本質」。 於是我開始探索性與性別的議題，我想從框架來看透她們。如果查到專有名詞，我會努力以素人的眼光，將理論與我的生活聯想在一起。 比如說對於「性取向的連續性」，我會先從生理性別說起。生理性別，是分生理男女，主要兩種。而性取向的連續性，就是指性取向的種類是以「程度」區分，所以可以分出無限種性取向。 常見的分法，是依照喜歡的生理男女程度：對生理男欽慕是男性向，對生理女是女性向。當我把這個概念放在一條線上，男左女右，我往左走為異性戀，我往右走為同性戀。 在這條線上，每一個人的落點，可以分出「無限種」，所以每個人的性取向不盡相同。 如果我的性取向很特別，別人普遍感到陌生，那我還是正常人嗎？我知道正常不正常，取決於我的「人格」，不是我的「性向」。 那我怎麼會有這個誤解？因為我那時不懂，每個人的性向，不可能完全一樣。我不懂的，我覺得「我好奇怪」；我不能解釋的，我認為「我有病」。 後來我明白了，當我私底下對自己說：「我是變態、我有問題、我神經病」，就只是我沒搞懂「性取向的連續性」而已。 總合來看，我會將純粹的百科資料利用比喻、故事、角色設計，重新整理這些概念。我為什麼習慣這樣做？ 因為我常會從生活困境中，想起曾經經過的某些新觀念。那時，我會趕緊回頭查閱、邏輯推敲並連結經驗。然後我豁然開朗、瞬間自在。 所以我想了想，雖然我常暗諷我自以為，甚至自嘲是宗教宣傳，可是如果當初救我的她們——我腦袋出現的想法——可以再救一個人，那也就足夠了。 如果沒有呢？沒關係：） 我知道她們至少救過一個人。 #性姐放 #性向 #雙性戀 #異性戀 #同性戀 #男性向 #女性向 #性 #情 #umychang 小額贊助支持本節目： https://pay.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob 留言告訴我你對這一集的想法： https://open.firstory.me/user/cl0rsgehr001l0h1lcbzk44ob/comments Powered by Firstory Hosting

I'm afraid of being asked, „What about you? What gender are you? Are you a virgin? Do you have a partner? Are you in a relationship?" I would always become angry with the people asking those questions because I'm not sure how to respond to them with my attitude toward sexuality. So I started exploring issues of sex and gender, and I wanted to understand the public mindset on sexuality. If I find a novel theory, I will try to associate the theory with my everyday life. I long for making sexual and gender things common. For example, for the theory of "the continuum of sexual orientation", I will start with biological sex. Biological sex is divided into male and female, there are two main types. The continuum of sexual orientation means that the types of sexual orientations are distinguished by "degree", so there are infinite kinds of sexual orientations. We can distinguish sexual orientation by the degree of the two extremes. According to the degree of admiration for the two biological sex, I put the two extremes, Androphilia and Gynephilia, on a line, but change their names. Because for me, my admiration for males stands for „heterosexuality“, I put it on the left. So the right side, which describes my admiration for females, is „homosexuality“. On this line, each person's position is not the same. Thus I know, that people's sexual orientations can differ. Actually, it should be distinctive between human beings. We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation. But I also want to make sure, "Am I a normal person?" Will I always change my partners? Will I be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Will I become sexually addicted? They all depend on my "personality." It has nothing to do with my "sexual orientation“. Why did I even pop up with these questions? Because I didn't understand at that time, that sexual orientation differs from person to person. When there is something that I don't understand, I think it is “strange”. When there is something that I can't explain, I think it is „sick“. Finally, I understand. When I say something „abnormal, problematic, psyche“, it just means that I haven't got any clear idea of it. At last, I rearrange these concepts using metaphors, stories, and character design from purely encyclopedic data and theories. Why am I used to doing this? Because I often come up with new ideas when I feel helpless and dying. At that point, I would rush back to check the theories, logically ponder, and connect them with my experiences. Then I suddenly see the light, and I feel at ease. So although I often mocked myself as being an evangelist, I realize that if my ideas could save me right away, they would be able to rescue one more person. #sexy_umy #sexuality #bisexual #heterosexual #homosexual #gay #lesbian #gender #sex #relationship #umychang Powered by Firstory Hosting

爸，我是不是不男不女？ 「不是說下週回家？」 喔，好啦！我想當薔薇少女。 「記得先買好車票。」 好啦.... #umychang #性別 #身份 #角色 #文化 #階級 #自我 #性 #愛 #性愛觀 Powered by Firstory Hosting

Dad, what kind of person am I? „You are a girl with a thousand faces.“ WHAT!!!??? Powered by Firstory Hosting

我姊就是個怪人。 她在寫什麼東西？什麼後設？什麼共感？她從以前就這樣，自以為的學術語言，然後自爽、偷笑、很得意，完全是一個活在自己世界的瘋女人⋯她明明沒被雷劈過，身邊朋友都人生勝利組，不是學霸就是學霸中的學霸，她為什麼會變成怪胎？不對，她這種人應該沒朋友才對呀。 她還有更怪的事情，她28歲才開始叛逆，那不是18歲前的事情嗎？她中學時期就班長乖寶寶，天天讀書連洗澡都在背單字，我看她把課本用密封袋裝起來走進浴室，真的很傻眼。讀書讀到這樣難怪變成溫室花朵，難怪28歲分手會突然暴走，就沒失敗過吧。 她分手後那陣子，每天換新造型，剪超短髮、丟她自己的洋裝，然後一直穿我的衣服，特別是成功嶺的操練服⋯ 還問我「欸弟！我帥嗎？」 有人可以解釋她的狀況嗎？ 好啦，其實我看過她前面幾集，她創作到現在，就對這四件事很在意而已： 1）她很清楚性愛的大小事。 2）她知道自己的性向狀況。 3）她習慣思考「我是誰」。 4）她想高效率幫助最多人。 可是她會把這些想得很極端： 1）她情慾開放。 2）她情感放蕩。 3）她情緒壓抑。 4）她情誼氾濫。 我就說吧，姊妳真的很怪。 Powered by Firstory Hosting

My sister is so weird. What is she writing? What is meta-sex? What is an empath? She has always been like this, thinking of academic language, and then she would be self-taking, snickering, and very proud, she is completely a crazy woman living in her own world... That does not make sense. Most of her friends are the whole packages, they are curve-wreckers among the academic stars. Why did she become so weird? Wait, no, someone like her should have no friends. Why did she have so many good friends? The weirdest thing about her is that her rebellious period started at age 28. Isn't that what happened before age 18? She didn't go through her rebellious stage in middle school. When she was in middle school, she was always the class leader and the top student. She studied every moment, even during the shower. I was really amazed when I saw that she packed her textbooks in a sealed bag and walked into the bathroom. It's no wonder that she has become a greenhouse flower, no wonder that breaking up at the age of 28 would suddenly beat her badly. Because she had never become a loser. Things became annoying after she broke up. She changed her look every day, she cut her hair very short, she threw her own dress away and then kept wearing my clothes, especially my clothes for military training... She also asked me, „Hey! How do I look? Manly?“ Can someone explain why did she become like this? Well, in fact, I think I got it. Because I have watched her previous episodes, and she only cares about these four things until now: 1) She knows sex very well. 2) She knows her sexuality. 3) She is used to thinking "Who I am". 4) She wants to help people more efficiently. But she would take these to extremes, she thought that 1) She is obscene. 2) She is emotionally lewd. 3) She has depression. 4) She is a people-pleaser. So I say, my sister is really a unique person. Powered by Firstory Hosting