Mamatoto Radio

Learning to follow instructions. I know what it sounds like, I can hear it too, but stay with me and hear me out. If we do not teach our kids to know how to follow instructions, all the things they do in life will be harder than they need to be.

As parents we are leaders in our family, and whether we are good or bad leaders, we are the people the smaller people in our group follow, and playing that role comes with a lot of responsibility as we all know. Let's talk a little bit about what choices we have and how they might play out today on Mamatoto Radio.

Generosity is a very close relative of empathy, I will explain why. When I think of generosity I think of being open to sharing what you have. Whether that is material things, your time, your attention, your affection, or your empathy. My grandmother always said that when people were over and it was meal time, you share what you have between everyone. I think that sounds like a kind and generous thing to do. I also think it’s an expression of abundance rather than scarcity. When we share there is more. We is greater than me. It’s no coincidence I choose to talk about generosity during a pandemic.

Before the pandemic happened I think most of us thought of dolphins when we said pod. Or EarPods maybe. Now our pods are the people we include in our safe zone, the people we pod with are an extension of our family.  It seems that the pandemic has really been a way to reveal who we really are. Do we care about others? Do we listen to science? Do we put our wants before other people’s safety? Can we follow instructions?

You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Today I wanted to take a moment and think about that village, that community and how we can intentionally build that community around our kids until they are old enough to build their own.

I imagine we think we are doing our kids a favor shielding them from controversy, but are we really?

Gifts have always had a bot precious and a conflicted place in my mind. There can be different intentions, purposes and outcomes of gift giving and receiving. I thought we would unpack some of it here today. I guess pun intended?  

When I say I think creativity is a super power I mean it. It’s the foundation of problem solving, of innovation, of communication and any kind of artistic expression. And what better and safer way to nurture and encourage it than at home, and what better format to experiment in than in building and making stuff. It’s low risk, easy access and huge potential benefits.

During the past year, it’s almost a year now, we have been sheltering at home and our kids have been doing distance learning for their school. One of the most anchoring and grounding parts of our routine, and what has kept us happy and sane during this time is how we incorporate creativity into our home and day to day lives. 

Have you every thought about the different cycles of routines you have? The things you do every day, the things you do every week, every month, every year? I thought we could think a little bit about what parts of your routines you love and what you would like to change, how it will benefit and ripple into your family.

Distance, or home learning is a great opportunity to use and foster creativity in our kids. Today I share some of the ways we nurture a creative mindset in our kids, while learning from home.

How can making space and time for creative projects help you get things done and increase your overall creativity? Listen to today's episode to find out :)  

Recently I was talking to my daughter about values. She has some kids in her class with very questionable values, and she said, “well, they get it from their parents.” And I think for the most part that might be true. Then she asked me “mom, you have really different values from your parents and siblings, so I guess it’s not always true.” And she is right again. But I had to work really hard to break a lot of the patterns from my own childhood in order to raise my family with the intention that I value.   The million dollar question is how, then, isn’t it? It’s not complicated, but it’s not easy. It takes a lot of work and it doesn’t happen in one go.

I want to ask you a question, and I would like for you to answer it to yourself and really think about it. When you became a parent, did you have an idea of what you wanted your kids to be like. What they would like, how they would be, what you would do.   I think most of us have some kind of fantasy or dream about who our kids are and who we are as parents and I think the relationship we have with our kids depends a lot on how flexible that idea of a person is.

Do you know who I have learned a lot from this year? Homeschoolers. Honestly, I have learned a lot about education this year, some that in encouraging and good, and some that makes me a bit worried for our kids and makes me rethink my own opinions of and relationship to education the way we do it right now.   We have been learning from home since the middle of February, we saw the virus come here in France early and our kids were learning from home before we had the lockdown in the spring. I love how my homeschooling friends rose to the occasion and started being supportive and guide us newbies on our journey. There were a few things that I learned.

Teaching our kids to say and hear no is the foundation for teaching them consent. When no is no longer aggressive and confrontational to us we can use it as part of our structure of integrity, and teach our kids to do the same.

When I was doing my certification for becoming a safeguarding officer I learned a lot about abuse and neglect. Levels of it that you don’t want to imagine. We mostly think of the most extreme cases being physical neglect, not providing enough or good food, not having clean or fitting clothes, not taking care of hygiene or having a warm home with running water and electricity. But there is another kind of neglect that I wanted to talk about today.

If we are bullies it is much more likely that our kids will be bullies. As I was writing the notes to this episode something reminded me of another in person experience that both rattled me and showed exactly how the energy moves from parent to child. A mom in my daughter’s class is a real bully. She has a little group of other mean girl mom friends and they spare no vitriol when interacting with other parents. She is unkind, mean, aggressive and judgmental. And then I remembered a time this past summer when the girls told me that her son was being a jerk in a chat, calling the girls feminist sluts, saying white power, white lives matter and all kinds of hateful and racist, sexist bullshit. And I realized, it all comes from his mom. And maybe his dad. I can see them fitted into the illustration of the mom’s hatred going right through him. It’s like a cycle that feeds itself.

The pandemic has revealed so much of the flaws in our systems that most of us probably didn’t know were there. Like for example, How much of school is babysitting? Join our Creative Kids Club at www.mamatoto.info/kidsclub

This topic might be controversial, it definitely goes against traditional parenting. Do you know things you don't like without trying them? I know I do. I know things don't go with me without trying them. Why is it any different with our kids? How can we teach consent and integrity and then ask them to break it?

Like with any skill we learn and master, independence and autonomy is taught in bite sized lessons from when our kids are really small. How can you break down the steps to teach your kids the things they need to safely move in the world on their own?

I don't like the word fail, I prefer to see it as learning. The truth is that we need to learn how to handle disappointment and turn a supposed failure into a moment of learning. How can we support our kids on their journey? How can we create a safe environment for them to learn?

Were you told to stop doodling in school? I was, and it turns out that they were wrong. Doodling while listening and learning helps us and our kids retain and process information more efficiently. How can you incorporate this information into your parenting?

I recently read love defined as radical acceptance and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. 

What skills are going to be most valuable for our kids in the future? It looks like creativity, critical thinking and collaboration are things worth focusing on in our kids. How do you mix teaching these skills into your parenting?

How has going slower and deeper during this time at home taught us more empathy and consideration for others? For some of us it has, for some of us it hasn't. This is a little rant about yet another elusive silver lining of shelter in place.

What are our kids really saying when they are having arguments or meltdowns that seem irrational from a grown up's perspective?

When we were little, my brother and sister and I bought a pony over the phone when our parents were out of town. This needs a little bit of context. It makes us seem a little less crazy. Not a lot but a little less.There are so many things to unpack in this story. It feels like one of those eighties movies where the kids grew up on their bikes and came home when it got dark kind of thing. It probably was. Or like a cartoon where the grown up people are just legs with voices that make noise. Our parents were away, and I have no memory of who was watching us. If someone was. I bet someone was, just not well.

My daughter has always been feisty, and it is thanks to my amazing midwife Tekoa that I had the guidance to mother her without taking out the flame. 

Today Tanel joins me on the podcast to talk gentle and peaceful parenting. Tanel is a parenting coach from Estonia and he shares his stories of raising independent, confident, bilingual kids living a nomadic life out of a camper van. I am so excited to share this conversation with you :)

What happens when our kids see us in our work roles for the first time, like they have now that every day is bring your kids to work day? What do they learn? How does it change their view of who we are?

What are your rules and values around kids on social media? What can you learn from them and how can you guide them?

How do we make memories? How can we influence and help our kids remember the things we do with them? We go through a few different things you can use as techniques for creating memories, and why it's important.

Let's talk a little about why it's so important for our kids to build forts? Their fort is an expression of creativity, they build it with their blankets, pillows, sheets and it’s a dark hole they can crawl into that is their space, a little safe haven. It's their inbetween space. What kind of forts do your kids build?  

Nick Cho, also known as "Your Korean Dad" on TikTok is my guest this week.  We talk about raising teenagers, him being a Korean Mr. Rogers and parenting through building and maintaining trust. I am so thankful that Nick wanted to share his parenting wisdom with us. Find him on TikTok and IG as @nickcho_ 

Everything we practice becomes a more integrated part of our lives, gratitude is no exception. Join me and flex your gratitude muscles.

This week Sarah Sproule joins me to talk parenting. Sarah is a sex educator, if you want support talking to your kids about sex, Sarah is your go to. You find her on IG as @IamSarahSproule Sarah shares some really personal and profound stories of motherhood, I am so excited that we get to share her wisdom and experience. 

We are looking at a summer mostly without camps. What happens when our usual points of connection have changed? Listen to me mini rant about safeguarding our kids, appreciating this time and shifting our mindset.

This week Jane Harbison visits the podcast. She is the founder of dreamingbigforlittlegirls.com where she guides and supports tween and teen girls in the creative process.  We talk about kids and creativity, about kids learning responsibility and safety and lots more. I am so thankful for Jane's stories.

Lockdown, social distancing, however the pandemic has affected you, there are a lot of things to be thankful for and a lot of lessons to keep if you choose to. This is me ranting about a few of them :)

This week Katrina Oakley from Core Fitness for Moms visits the podcast. We talk about a lot of things like our kids teeth, body image, kids and social media, kids and tech and distance learning, and of course, Katrina's super power, distasis recti and pelvic floor.  Katrina is the founder of Core Fitness for Moms where she helps women with distasis recti get their core and pelvic floor back in shape.  Visit her website here: https://www.katrinaoakley.com/corefitnessformoms And her facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/CoreFitnessForMoms/

Today I wanted to start a conversation that I wish I would have had the courage to start a long time ago. I didn't feel ready, and I still don't feel ready, but it's time. I am thankful for you and our amazing community, and this my friends is the first step in an ongoing conversation.

Nikki McArthur is a mother of five, an author and an activist. We met when we were protesting the burkini ban in France a few years ago. Her new book "What have we got Toulouse: A family moving to France" is available where you buy books, she tells the story of her family moving to France, all the ups, downs and twists.  In the podcast this week she tells the story of when her son Ryan had a liver transplant after a scary liver failure that they still don't know the cause of. We talk about having babies in the UK and in France and we talk about raising activist kids. 

I this episode I talk about subtle shifts in our daily and weekly routines and how they serve us. This episode is brought to you by Kids Club, the safe, nurturing and creative space for your kids online. Get on the waitlist to join at www.mamatoto.info/kidsclub  

Jason Crandell is not only a well known yoga teacher, he is the yoga teacher of the yoga teachers. He visits us today to talk parenting. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful and excited I am to share this with you. We recorded this episode in late 2019, before the world went into chaos, I intended it to start off our new season in early February, but we all know what happened there. Jason and his wife Andrea have a wonderful yoga podcast called Yogaland, you should definitely check it out :)

Today I thought we could talk a little bit about little kids and social distancing. Recently when France started planning to reopen schools with social distancing in place we got some directives and some idea of what that kind of school would look like, and I will be honest with you, I was horrified. And, I don’t think it would work. If you have ever seen kids under ten interact, you know why. Let’s talk about why it horrified me and why I just don’t think it would work, and after we finish, I would love to hear from you.

Season 2 of Mamatoto Radio is here :) Months later than anticipated, we are back to talk about Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting in the time of Covid 19. Have a listen, tell me how you are doing, subscribe and share with your friends, and most of all, stay safe.

Tomorrow we start a new year, and a new decade. And my middle son Jakob turns 11. It's a big day :) In our New Year episode, I share with you Jakob's birth story, that we tell every year on his birthday. It's one of our traditions. Thank you everyone in the Mamatoto family for your support in 2019, I can't wait to see you in 2020 :)

Today is when we celebrate Christmas where I am from :) The past few months have brought some difficult things in the world of my kids, and I share how I have used some Radical Parenting ideas and techniques to navigate them. And I tell you about the free parenting workshop that starts on January 2 :) All of Mamatoto wishes you the best holidays :)

You know what drives me crazy?   Numbing is what. I will tell you why.   If we don’t know each other yet, I am Hanna, founder of Mamatoto.   I’m really happy you are here :)   Why does numbing drive me nuts, and what do I mean?   You know when parents roll their eyes when there is a difficult moment with their kids and say something to the effect “Mommy needs wine” and other parents nod and smile, click like and maybe even share. Whether in real life or on social media. Same same.   We get it, parenting is hard, let’s all drink, ignore the actual issue and make fun.   For me, this is problematic on several levels.   First I am going to be a super bummer and many of you guys who like to have a drink or two or five and don’t want anyone to challenge you on that will probably stop watching this video right now.   Still here, great, I will tell you something serious, and then I will encourage you to consider drinking or however you choose to numb yourself in a way that doesn’t harm you or the people around you. Especially your kids.   I am not here to tell you not to drink. I am asking you, as a kid who grew up around addiction and have seen all its ugly sides, to rethink how and why you drink.   And to never, ever in a million years blame parenting or your kids for your drinking.   When something is hard, in parenting that can be a lot of things, the way to solve it is not around, it’s through.   Your kid is anxious about something at school? Approach it from all sides, find out what is different, how you can adjust it and support them. The easy thing is to get low key angry, irritated and tell them to stop, in one way or another. And then say “mommy needs wine” get nods of approval and think you are on the right parenting track.   I can assure you that you are not.   Whatever the thing that makes you need a drink is, turning away from it does two things:   It makes your kid feel less heard, more invisible.   It creates a rift between you. You can guess what happens with time.   How can you drink in a positive way?   Think of it like this: Mommy doesn’t need a drink, Mommy wants to have a drink with a friend/partner/in the bath with a good book.   Not as a punishment to the people around her.   Not as a punishment to herself. Don’t ever do that. Let that shit go. Seriously.   Not to compensate for some other crap going on.   Kids do what you do, not what you say. What are you modeling to them?   I would love for you to think about the reasons you use whatever you use to numb yourself and how it affects you and the people around you.   I did, and it was a big moment of self reflection for me, and I chose a path I wouldn’t have thought was right for me, but that now feels like exactly where I needed to go. Wanna know what it is? Let me know and I might tell you :)

Darren is a San Francisco based yoga teacher and author. He leads the weekly yoga class in Grace Cathedral for hundreds of yogis and he has written many books on yoga and meditation. This week he shares his story of being a single dad to his son, what he wants for his son and when he knew he wanted to be a parent.  Talking to Darren made me feel so happy, he is just an extraordinary person and I am so happy he wanted to join me on the podcast.  To learn more about him go to www.darrenmain.com