The MILF Code

Susanna and Felicia bow to the queen of MILFs, singer/actress/producer Lady Bret Crain, and swoon as the last good husband and king of the Gingers, Darren Carter shows off his epic vibrational skillz. Oh sh*t, who just went monogamous!?

Comedians Kira Soltanovich and Shawn Halpin join Felicia and Susanna to bond about their P.O.W. childhoods, and guess who's saving one hole for God?

About to get eaten by a Pterodactyl whilst swimming in your dainties in a pond, and you can't find your motivation? Wanna get ahead without coming off like a complete turd? Are you dying to hear about the action-figure that one can give teeny little hand-jobs to? Then join Felicia and Susanna as they chat up the delightful and talented actress Mircea Monroe along with producer/Podcaster Adam Spiegelman.

Comedian/actor from 40-Year-Old Virgin Gerry Bednob shares that the only thing worse than winning the lottery, is when you didn't, and people think you did. What do topless women, Adam Carolla and a wine cocktail called Mangria have in common? Podcaster Lynette Carolla! Felicia shares how sometimes you make a deal with the devil (or Carrot Top) and will Susanna lose her sobriety over Tinder?

Writers Dylan Brody and Amy Dresner talk bleeding on the page, but not your Facebook page. Felicia reveals her difficult past with a suicidal mom, and Susanna just had a polyamory break-up, and somehow they all lived to tell about it.  

Felicia and Susanna talk to actress Monique Parent and comic Sam Tripoli about what porn stars and comedians have in common, the other kind of water sports, and how the adults of tomorrow will whine about walking three miles to get sushi during the drought. (What, no Uber?)

Former Detroit Pistons "Bad Boy" John Salley and badass comic Marcella Arguello join Susanna and Felicia to weigh in on topics ranging from the delicious spoils of being a champion, hacking into family member's social media for kicks and the bonuses of a vegan lifestyle; including John dropping a bomb on Felicia about fish bladders in wine!

Ever regret posting that Tweet? Susanna and Felicia interview baseball and comedic All-Stars Royce Clayton and Melinda Hill about the pitfalls of PC culture, free speech and other "asinine shit."

In their first outing, comedians and MILFs Felicia and Susanna talk to Tantric sex coach Psalm Isadora and discover their second guest comedian/actor Bill Dawes was a Kundalini yoga instructor before he did comedy! Watch the magic unfold HERE. And don't forget to SUBSCRIBE.

Amy Dresner is the most brilliant, funniest, wildest writer you've never met, she used to be a stand-up comic and is still funnier than one. If you want to hear from someone who took it ALL THE WAY; that would be Amy- rehabs for meth, coke, and alcohol, psyche wards, and that's not even counting the food issues and sex addiction… but she swapped all that for Yerba Mattes, vaping nicotine, and writing for "The Fix" and advice columnist Amy Alcon, among others. I know Dresner well, because I'm lucky, and now you will know her too, if you are worthy. The first classic quote we get from her is “You can't be full of dick and full of sadness. Be sad after, when they don't call you again, but you can't be sad during it.” I think I will get that stitched into a pillow. We delve into “daddy issues,” and where hers came from, if she has any. Amy discusses vulnerability and the line between that and just being a drama queen, and we segue into how she developed a sex addiction after her marriage ended, but also (paradoxically) came into her own sexually. She owns her mistakes, her peccadillos, and we discuss what makes us get attached to men, as opposed to "just sex." Dresner talks about the most annoying thing men and women do, then shares about being sentenced to “community labor” because of that little “knife incident” and that time she ran into an ex while sweeping the streets with other felons. At some point when we're talking about her seizures and Yerba Matte habit (it's a tea, people) I admit that sometimes I worry about her, which is apparently a common reaction from her Alanon friends who need to “stay in their lane.” Amy gets so real and deep about accepting people, no matter what their path, I'm reminded again why I love her. It took a bunch of dick jokes, but we get to the beautiful empathic, vulnerable core of being alive. Also, of all the different kinds of therapy (we've both had shit tons) what helped us the most? We finish off about amongst other things, shame vs. restraint, Tinder in Brooklyn, having overwhelming emotions and why “damaged people” are dangerous. Strap in, it's going to be a bumpy night.                        

I had so many opinions about this whole 50 Shades thing I needed an entire Podcast to express them, and express them I did. As a sometime BDSM dabbler, I wanted to bring some nuance to the discussion about this movie i.e. context while others bandy about terms such as "domestic violence" and the idea that all people who practice BDSM are damaged. Uh, no. We go from Story of O, through Anais Nin, to how much hotter the movie would have been with Charlie Hunnam in it (well, I don't actually say that in the podcast, so I'm saying it now.) Mostly, I found the movie to be quite sexually vanilla, and outside of the money-porn aspirational aspect of dating a guy with such a great apartment who can fly you around on his helicopter, I conclude that the biggest turn on in the movie is not at all what you'd think. Also my biggest issues with 50 Shades are also not others people's issues (when are they ever?)  Don't forget, there's a better word for "mommy porn" and that's "porn." Listen to the world's coolest mom talk about 50 Shades, and take from all this what you will, but don't forget to report back. After all, I only watched this movie for you... the least you can do is the same.

Mishka Shubaly made me cry. Not because he's a best selling author of Kindle Singles including “The Long Run,” “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” and most recently “Of Mice and Me.” Not because he's an ultra-marathon runner and punk rock singer, touring with bands such as The Strokes, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and comedian Doug Stanhope. Not even because I've interviewed him before. But before he makes me cry… We talk about the realities of touring, karma vs. science the origin of his name, and the deepest voice you will ever hear saying, “I'm a little mouse or a little bear,” which leads to a cool story about his ethnic origin (you'll never guess.) He drops an exclusive bit of news, you have to listen to find out, and then we discuss the drawbacks of having a threesome with Mishka, myself and Amy Dresner. Then at minute 26.16, Mishka starts talking about my writing, how he feels reading it and then something gets in my eye… We talk about our families and how hard it is to let them love us. Eventually we circle back to my first interview question, “When was the last time you thought about suicide?” and discuss what keeps us from “tapping out.” Far from feeling heavy after it all, I get home from interviewing Mishka at 3 a.m. feeling curiously light, “seen,” and though you were not actually there, I'm sure you will feel it too.

Brody Stevens is huge in my mind and heart, and if he isn't already in yours, he will be. A true original in the comedy world, he was in the first two Hangover movies, and is one of the biggest warm up-guys in L.A. – he was the audience guy on “Chelsea Lately,” and currently on “At Midnight” on Comedy Central. He's had his own show “Brody Stevens -Enjoy it!” on Comedy Central, and a ton of podcasts, the latest of which is “The Brody Stevens Festival of Friendship.”  Also some appearances on Kroll, the lucky duck. We reminisce about the old days doing shows in Surf Reality and Collective Unconscious in the Lower East Side of New York. Brody also had a well-publicized reaction to stopping medication a few years ago, which he publically shared on Twitter, and we get into a talk about mental health, taking meds, and whether having a sensitive nervous system may just mean you're an artist and a Jew. Brody played baseball at Arizona State (!) so he is a dichotomy: an athlete who needs a creative outlet. Which leads me to a rant about how people think they know you because of the Internet, and I encourage Brody to do online dating, before offering to take him to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Brody talks honestly about his mom and sister, who were featured on his Comedy Central show, and I commend him on being an exemplary son. He has a strong message for dealing with life (cardio!) especially the etiquette of warm-up, stand-up, managing love relationships and the daily ancillary job of social media. Brody finishes by sharing some personal growth so POSITIVE ENERGY, PUSH and ENJOY IT!

Ahmed Ahmed (the man so nice they named him twice) is an Egyptian American comedian who is HUGE in the Middle East, and pretty big here too. Where ya been? He was on the show “Sullivan and Son,” as well as being featured on Vince Vaughn's “Wild West of Comedy,” the “Axis of Evil” tour, as well as directing and being featured in the documentary “Just Like Us” about doing stand-up comedy in the Middle East. We meander into conversation starting with weed (living in Venice, he fits right in) then shares genius stories about doing huge comedy tours from the U.S. to Lebanon, and how he got banned from performing publicly in Abu Dhabi (but they never said anything about private gigs!) We also reminisce about one legendary night at the Comedy Store, when Ahmed was doing a set in the Belly Room that almost ended in a racially motivated fistfight, and how he's learned since then in therapy to “de-escalate.” We also get personal about why he's attracted to dating “train wrecks,” how it affects him when people hate Arabs, and whether he wants kids. Ladies, get those childbearing hips ready, Ahmed is a warm, charming, Middle Eastern Alpha male who has had some therapy and is not afraid to use it!    

Sweet-voiced and hilarious vixen Felicia Michaels started her comedy career by posing for Playboy and winning Star Search, not necessarily in that order. Now she entertains me in her 1960's furnished abode. Felicia's and my life have run somewhat parallel; we both married comedy managers. We discuss the irony of them not wanting to pull any strings to further our careers to preserve their “integrity.” Felicia tells a great story involving hair care, which I won't ruin here. We discuss the parallels of our early stand-up comedy careers, including showcasing at The Comic Strip during Fleet Week.   We compare Comic Strip stories and reminisce about the inimitable Lucien Hold who used to book and run the Comic Strip for many years, and how unusual his criteria was for passing comics. We talk about the challenges of being the “artist” dating a manager and why we both gave up stand-up comedy when we had kids! (We might be twins.) We discuss whether comedians are darker than civilians, and Felicia discusses how she deals with other comedians. Then we move onto how to deal with other moms, I rant about Malibu moms, and that Felicia thinks my blog is outrageous (pretty rich considering her latest album – MILF and Cookies.)   We talk about what Letterman means to comedians, and Felicia talks about how she transitioned to being a comic, after an early marriage, and her early career as a stripper in Denver in 1984. It's a fucking great story, you won't want to miss it. We talk about career envy, self-doubt and what it was like being a “pretty young comic,” getting gigs for looks vs. merit, and the early Golden Age at the Comedy Store. Also how being a comedian relates to being a felon.   Then it's time to talk about sex. Felicia was one “twisted little chick,” and I'm quoting her so it's okay. She gets real about men's attention when she was stripping, and the power from that, and then we get deep y'all.  Felicia talks about her father, I talk about my father, and we get into some psychology, being a mom and having sons. Then segue again into chasing dick, and it's pros and cons, and when to introduce men to your kids. Somehow we end up talking about Jay Leno, and the limit of how many comics you can fuck as a female comic.   I ask her (as I will likely ask all my guests) whether she's a depressive, and Felicia opens up about her family, who may have been the ones with the issues. And I admit that in my family I'm the one with the issues. Ouch. Felicia and I both crave honesty, but she is less judgmental of other people's relationships. We talk about the cougar thing, online dating and why we are both aging well and it's not from sitting outside watching our kids skateboard. We talk about being what it is to be a MILF and how much sex we had in our marriages, which we've both discussed elsewhere, but Felicia talks about it all with respect, kindness and empathy, and I put forward my case for polyamory. Then Felicia convinces me go to back to stand-up comedy!!! It's a Christmas miracle! We talk about Laurie Kilmartin and her incredible work ethic… It's apparent that I need Felicia Michaels, not just on my show but in my life, and you will too!    

First Ron Jeremy introduces me to his German porn star/dancer/roommate, then he gets me to kiss her, then he tries to get me to show them both my tit (not happening.) This becomes a recurring theme. I mean has Ron Jeremy not seen enough tits? Then my esteemed guest starts giving me what he says will be a non-sexual massage, but gets too distracted to answer questions. Then he starts tickling me (watch out for sudden volume spikes) and there is a perfect Kafka/Kauffman-esque moment where he is telling me there is nothing wrong with the porn business as I'm getting progressively more grossed out with the “massage” even though I have all my clothes on.  We adjourn to the other room to start talking about MILFs vs. Barely Legal, what his family thinks about porn, and why he never had kids. Also if he ever felt like the “gift” was all he had going for him.   Ron Jeremy says he is a “pack-rat” but not a “hoarder” and also admits his biggest addiction (which may or may not surprise you.) He talks about his popularity vs. Jenna Jameson's (all the while still trying to get me to show him my boob) then about the need for chaperones for rock stars and porn actors, capping it off with a story about a porn star on party drug GHB.  We ascertain that I am kinkier than he is and he calls me “the female Ron Jeremy” which better be a quote for my next book!  Ever wondered if porn stars watch porn? Well here's your chance to answer that question, plus whether you can fuck your way into a career in Hollywood.   We talk about Hollywood roasts and how his life changed after his aortic aneurism in 2012, which leads him to reminisce about ex-girlfriends. We then start Googling Ron's first ex-girlfriend (she's in his book), which he's never done because he has a flip phone and doesn't go online. We discuss the future of the world is it pertains to being a neo-Luddite, conspiracy theories on 9/11 and then Ron tells me a never before publically shared story about Larry Flynt's daughter Theresa Flynt. He rounds it out with a harmonica performance, including “Waltzing Matilda,” for my former Australian homeland.   Ron Jeremy- Renaissance Man, poet, cocksman, and jester. He is a dichotomy- brash yet insecure, endowed with more than most men, yet needy, a filthy perv who is also a sincerely great friend. Too bad he's never going to see my boobs...