Dead Dad Podcast

The podcast delivers. I speak to my dad’s best mate. I find out a lot more of what my dad was like and I feel better for having done it. Lloyd speaks very fondly of my father and I wonder how well my dad and I would get on now were he still alive. I also find myself puzzling over how much of my character is nature and how much is nurture. Whey did I get suspended from school? Why is one breast always bigger than the other? How many motorbikes is too many? Listen to find out.

My dad is dead and that can’t be changed. He was not a uniformly good father, that can’t be changed either. What I feel I may not have done is give a rounded view of the person he was by remembering some good things… In this episode, I remember time we spent together ‘doing fish. I reminisce on hunting endangered newts and I also recall the plaque he made for me and hid in a field for us to ‘discover’. Time spent with my dad was valuable, memorable and made me who I am. I think about my dead dad quite a bit now and it interests me. It is a personal history that is missing bits that I have the interest, means and mental fortitude to investigate where previously I haven’t.

What do you ask wonderwoman about dead dads? Whatever you like… I speak to my marvellous pal Cynthia Wilkinson about her dead dad, about her dead husband, about what she thinks happens when we die and about how her husband came to be my surrogate dad. She is a wildly successful half of a business duo that reformed the bespoke kitchen and furniture industry. She lives in a house that even your dreams can’t conjure up and yet, we are in the same club – dead dad club. Is it sane to talk to a deceased relative? Is it right for them to still feel like they are around? How is Mark Wilkinson the least ‘dead’ dead person I know? Is it ‘normal’ to keep a loved one at home for 13 days after they have died?

I speak to councillor, therapist and wizard, Carole Coupe. I thank her for all the help she has given me since I first met her. We speak about our dead parents; Carole tells me how different her experiences with her mum and dad dying were. We speak about the difficult ‘welcome’ her black, visually impaired father (Carl Buckley) with £5.00 in his pocket received 70 years ago and the rich life he built despite this. This snappy dresser also imparted some sound advice as his parting words to his grandsons. Carole emphasises the importance of just listening when someone we know turns to us in times of trouble. We both agree on the importance of saying what you mean to your loved ones before it is not possible any longer. Wonder what a therapy dog is? We have you covered. This is a podcast I am thrilled I got to make and one I hope you love…

This episode of dead dad podcast is a very swift pointer in a very helpful direction for anyone wanting to get their head around grief and bereavement and dead dads in a helpful and accessible way. The book is ‘Grief Works’ and the author is Julia Samuel. Get this book, get clued up and marvel at how one person can reduce any point or idea concerning grief to an eminently memorable quip or sentence. Real life experiences of counselling or therapy recipients totally normalise any reaction to grief over any timescale. A truly excellent resource.

This episode of dead dad podcast examines what 6 different religions postulate about death, dying and grief. Victoria Wilkinson and I talk Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Christianity, Judaism and the Quaker faith to see what similarities and differences there are between religions and where our own views fit. Karma, reincarnation, judgement, forgiveness, eternal life, eternal nothingness, enlightenment, damnation, heaven, hell, the whole lot. We also talk Harry Potter, keeping a dead dad at home for 2 weeks, snakes, lizards and death-row meals.

This is a swift dead dad podcast that probes some of the opinions, quips, quotes and models surrounding grief. What is grief to a selection of authors? What models exist to constrain grief as a process? Why do humans feel grief if it is so disruptive? Learn a little with me and join the taboo conversation without breaking your heart. From C S Lewis to greek philosophers, there is something for everyone in this episode.

A nice quick episode to start the year. This episode focuses on the etymology of the dead dad podcast. In making this podcast I am tangling with ideas, people and thoughts I don’t usually tangle with. The least I can do is learn a little about grief, bereavement, death, dads and podcasts. This episode focuses on what relevant words mean and how they fit into the podcast; a quick nugget of learning for the new year.

Jack tells me how his dad was killed on a train in a freak accident. He was 2.75 years old and doesn’t remember his dad at all. However, his family on both sides have made sure he feels his Kiwi heritage as well as his Irish Heritage. We ruminate on how much of ‘us’ is nature and how much is nurtured. Jack tells me what it is like to only have second hand memories of his father and also what a sterling job his Grandad did of becoming his dad. We chat about immaturity, about what makes a good dad and also touch on a cursed garage not far from where we live…

A living surrogate father figure, Jerry Gatley chats to me about his dad, my dad and growing up with a violent and alcohol-fond father. His beautiful Wiltshire accent and talent for story telling make this podcast funny and engaging in a way that only he can make possible. I thank him for the time and effort he found to spend on me, we reminisce on good times had and of course, there is a Christmas carol thrown in for good measure.

Christmas carols inside. Helen and I chat about whether I worry about potentially developing unpleasant traits observed in my dead dad. We ruminate on why people are so willing to speak ‘on record’ on the subject of dead dads. I am asked whether I feel any aspects of fathering were missing from my upbringing and I ask when the best time for me to die would be (now that I am a dad myself).   I liken myself to a womble, we talk gardens, what happens when you angle grinder your thigh and whether fatherhood has made me less impulsive and more organised. Strongly infused with Christmas cheer…

Gavin and I enjoy an open chat on what it is like to be an orphan. He lost his dad to a motorbike accident and his mum to cancer. We talk about feeling helpless, lonely, having dark thoughts, and we also touch on the funniest and strangest thing someone has said to Gavin about his mum dying. Gavin tells me how much trouble he had forging and keeping a strong, open and communicative relationship with his mum (or anyone) after his dad died. The grief he felt following the loss of his dad, coupled with his mum’s illness left him with a lot of pain to deal with (or ignore). Gavin can’t be sure if losing his parents young gave him his wanderlust, instead he simply says that it is a product of him wanting to be happy and a decent bloke.

What’s it like if someone shoots your dad in the head at work? Alex is here to tell us exactly what it is like. His dad was not a military man but instead a solicitor in sleepy Devizes. I try to unravel and understand how the shock of such a tragic crime sends ripples through a group of family, friends and colleagues. Alex and I chat about being seemingly fine when stored up grief will come and hunt you down to remind you to deal with it – often at the most inconvenient times.   We talk about the oddest little things that can trigger bouts of sadness. We talk about advice for people facing their first taste of dead dad club membership. We also reflect on how the ‘fury’ at losing a parent translates into a smoother and calmer day-to-day life. We both find that losing someone you love in an unexpected way makes you take out your own insurance policies – you tell your remining loved ones exactly how you feel about them.

Ask some difficult questions and you might hear some difficult truths. I ask my mum what my dad was like and how he/their relationship changed and degenerated. My dad was a bon-viveur and a very advanced swearer. He was always the life and soul of the party, was funny and was a grafter. This didn’t last. Transpires my father was also violent, homophobic, abusive, controlling, threatening and that he died in a lonely and sordid manner. I used this podcast to allay some fears I had that centred around me being like or becoming my father. Mercifully I only have his good attributes. I speak to my mum about what cancer did to her dad (my grandad) and what it is like to see a relative eaten up by it. I also ask mum what it was like to have a daughter diagnosed with cancer at 26. This is a heavy hitter but a worthwhile listen. Topics covered include domestic violence, suicide and alcohol abuse so go in with your eyes (and ears) open.

My sister and I discuss whether she missed having a dad growing up and whether having cancer would have been easier with a father around for support. Have I made a good stand-in dad? Have I ever let her down? How do we think the death of our dad impacted our mum? How torturous were we to our mum as youngsters? How was the first meeting with mum’s first boyfriend aka “Newdad”? Why do we always seem to talk about things we have been asked not to? Am I doomed to be a bad dad through genetics? All this and plenty of shitting our pants in this episode.

James and I discuss how his dad was chewed up by cancer quite quickly. We speak on how organised his dad was and how easy that made James' transition to 'man of the house'. James' dad is a source of motivation; he won't half-arse things as that is something his dad never did and wouldn't accept in his son. Is there strength in emotional vulnerability? Is there a way to steal a piano from a military base? Is there a safe way to rehome a pair of llamas?

Do we all have daddy/mummy issues? We discuss a long and drawn out decline in the health of a loved one. What made our first memories and when they ‘started’. We exchange dead parent jokes. We decide when it is best for a parent to die. We ruminate on the thickness of Corey Taylor’s neck. I gain a better understanding of exactly what lead to the death of Andrew’s mum and how he had a lot of growing up to do from a very tender age. Andrew tells me that there was little time for feeling properly bereaved; he went back to school for the afternoon after his mum’s funeral. Andrew ponders on whether his journey through the education system thus far would have been different with the support of his mum. He also tells me that no real surrogate mother filled the gap his mum left.

THE FIRST FULL EPISODE In this episode I speak to Victoria Wilkinson about her dad and how we shared a father-figure. We cover why we are pals, how her entry into the dead dad club went, how her dad's funeral was one of the most memorable ever, how he didn't lose his straight-shooting character until moments before he died. I reveal how knowing Mark Wilkinson (her dad) was dying allowed me to be absolutely unequivocal and focused in what I wanted to say to him. I have never had clarity like it.  

This podcast is relevant to you. This first episode explains what you can expect from the podcast. Who I am, why I am doing it, what format the podcast will take, some quick thanks and a couple of little stories about my dead dad.