Free to Love - Transforming Pain Into Peace

One of the biggest obstacles to the healing journey and enjoying the freedom to love is a resistance to reengaging those deepest places of pain in your lives. Trauma, both big and small, left unaddressed is hindering us from experiencing the fullness of life we long for. In recent years there has been an explosion in the public awareness of trauma, its sources and effects. While this is to be celebrated in so many ways, the casual invocation of trauma can actually be counter-productive to developing an accurate understanding of what it is and how we can begin to deal with it. In this week's conversation Jenn Ahl and I begin a two-part conversation around the topic of Trauma. What is it? What is it's impact? How do we address it and begin the path of healing.

We continue our conversation around the complex and pressing issue of trauma, exploring the ways that damaged trust distorts our view of God, self and others. We ask the question: "Where is God in the midst of trauma?" We then pivot to strategies for healing and developing trauma resilience.

We have all experienced the powerful pull toward bitterness. The pain of betrayal, and rejection, big and small, arms us with a powerful energy that we so often use to justify our intransigence, firmly planting ourselves in the place of victimization and justifying a destructive entitlement. Left unattended, the roots of bitterness deepen, distorting our perception of reality and robbing us of life and light, the joy and intimate relationships we all long for. This conversation explores the nuances of bitterness and exposes many of its dark fruit, while pointing towards the power we have to leave bitterness behind.

Forgiveness is a doorway. A portal through which we can leave behind the pitiful prison cell of bitterness and the self-limiting victim mentality that empowers our mistreatment of others and step out into an expansive new land of freedom, joy and healing. Yet, we so often refuse to take the necessary steps to access our healing and new life. For many of us, this may because we misunderstand what forgiveness is and the crucial distinction between it and reconciliation. Many of us carry a shallow view of forgiveness that seems to downplay violation and injustice. However, as we explore in this conversation, forgiveness does not dispense with the need for justice, nor demand that we remain open to abuse or mistreatment. Rather, it empowers us to be free of past wounds and move with intention towards healthier lives and relationships.

Everywhere it seems, the topic of sexuality is the source of pain and division, misunderstanding and fear. In many ways, this is deeply understandable given how intimately intertwined our sexuality is with our sense of identity and our capacity to live a joyous and meaningful life. Similarly, many of our fiercest hopes and longings are tied to sexuality, so too are our fears and many of our deepest woundings. Because of sexuality's power, both culturally and individually, it is crucial that we re-orient the conversation, prioritizing a deeper view and posturing ourselves to explore with humility, sensitivity and care rather than using simplistic dogmas that perpetuate the shame vs. shameless dynamic that seems so presently ascendant. May this conversation invite you to slow down and marvel at the beauty of sexuality, confront the shame-based narratives driving our understanding, and experience God's desire to heal and order our sexuality so that it results in freedom and flourishing.

Addiction is a loaded word. It carry's a long and complicated legacy of shame and misunderstanding both within the church and in broader culture. It's our conviction that the path to healing and freedom includes de-mystifying addiction and exposing how each of us, in our own ways, suffer from addiction. This isn't simply seen in drugs, alcohol or the destructive behaviors we typically think of when discussing the topic. It increasingly shows up in subtle ways that, while they may be less dramatic, still leave us emotionally unavailable and a diminished, less than fully free version of who we are created to be. In this weeks conversation we explore the area of addiction, seeking to redefine it and illustrate its inner workings while also offering up a positive vision for what health and freedom can look like. The journey may be a slow one, but there is hope and power to learn new ways to live free.

The healing journey is complex. Multifaceted. There is no silver bullet. And yet…if there is a single area that can lead to beautiful breakthroughs that fuel our hope for lasting change, a deepening peace and the capacity for meaningful relationships it is in the arena of the mind. The quality, or venom of our internal thought life has a ln incredible power to impact every aspect of our reality. There is a good reason why every spiritual tradition from Christianity to Buddhism to the self-help shelf in your local bookstore is trying to get us to pay attention to the power of our thoughts. Cultivating an awareness of the war within is half the battle. As we will explore in this conversation, there are a variety of simple practices we can begin to develop that build the foundation to live from a place of peace and quiet power. May this week's conversation unveil some of the inner workings of your own mind and empower you to take the next step in your healing journey: naming the core false beliefs you may be carrying and identifying a set of practices that can begin to trade the lie for a life-giving truth.

Last week we introduced the four primary coping mechanisms that we default to when our body of pain is activated. Three of the four, blame, control and escape are much easier for us to identify and develop healthy, intentional new actions to move towards peace. * Shame however is more difficult to spot. While its initial genesis in our story may have come from an outside force such as a parent, society or religious community, it is quickly internalized. Without knowing it, we come to believe the lies it whispers about who we are: broken, defective, incapable of change. * Shame is a universal human experience. It transcends cultures, religions and value systems. Central to Shane's message is the lie that we are alone in our experiences and a victim to our fears. Because of shame's ubiquity and we are paying special attention to it this week, seeking to name the ways it shows up and proposing some strategies for how to cultivate our shame resilience. Crucial to the work of countering the power of shame is this remembering that empathy creates a hostile environment for shame and opens a door back to connection, communion and peace.

In a cultural moment such as ours where therapeutic language has been popularized by pop-psychology and widely spread by social media, the topic of coping mechanisms is one that many of us have at shallow understanding of. Last week we stressed the importance of examining our families of origin to understand the powerful capacity they have to shape us for ill and for good. Often, it is during this work of excavation that we are able to develop a deeper awareness of the ways that we sought to navigate the pain and complexity of the world. While there are myriad ways that we can cope, our conversation this week explores the four dominant categories of behavior that we introduced last week, and which characterize our attempts to deal with pain, disappointment and the anxieties of life: Blame, Shame, Control and Escape. Sharing from our own personal stories we reflect on the theological roots of coping mechanisms, examining how the first two chapters of Genesis paints a powerful picture of our human propensities and God's response. Realizing that each culture tends to elevate or baptize certain expressions of our coping mechanism and uphold them as virtues we wrestle with the implications of that and ask the provocative question: can spirituality and religion become an unhealthy way of coping?

A crucial element of the healing journey is our family of origin. It seems as if people gravitate to polar opposite postures when it comes to families and the past. On the one hand, there are those that seek to scapegoat their families, blaming them for every wound and subsequent difficulty they may face. On the other hand are those that are very reluctant to place any responsibility on their families, seeking to downplay shortcomings or protect a cherished image, they struggle to name accurately some of the most powerful forces that shape our identity. We believe in a middle path: one that works to accurately investigate the unique personalities and events that have contributed, for good or for harm, to the person we are today. It is here we begin to understand who we are and why we relate to ourselves, others and the world the ways we do. In this week's conversation we briefly outline the concept of Attachment Theory and why Love and Trustworthiness are vital ingredients to healthy development. After exploring how love forms our identity and trust grounds our sense of safety we move on to map the four primary ways that we respond to violations of these two areas: Blame, Shame, Control and Escape. We then close our conversation distinguishing between big and little T trauma's, the lasting cultural consequences of Societal trauma such as war and disease, and reflecting on the paradoxical truth that if we say yes to the healing journey it is often our very wounds that become the gifts that empower us to love and serve others in deeply meaningful ways.

Friends, welcome to another episode of FTL. After spending the last two episodes making a case for the importance of a healthy understanding of, and foundation for, identity we move onto an incredibly practical topic: Emotional Wellbeing. Essential to the cultivation of healthy relationships and a meaningful life is the development of emotional well-being and the tools necessary to sustain it. In our conversation this week we examine some of the cultural forces that can undermine a healthy emotional life ranging from a detached stoicism on the one hand to an ungrounded over identification with our emotional states and reality. A basic understanding of the role that neurology and neurochemistry plays in our emotional well being can practically help us give and receive grace, as we journey towards health. The healing journey invites us to find the middle path and develop a resilient capacity to hold space for and accurately honor all our emotions while identifying healthy ways to both restrain and express them. In doing so we learn a lesson from the witness of the Psalms: that our emotions can serve us well as guides to map the inner-workings of our souls. Both positive and negative alike, belong and can invite us towards courageous and vulnerable expression of them that leads us deeper into relationship with God, ultimately empowering us to step out of victimhood or detachment and into active presence and greater freedom.

Last week we began a discussion centered around the theme of Identity. Our belief is that understanding Identity, the forces that shape it, and the role that it plays in guiding our beliefs, thoughts and actions is of crucial importance. So, We continue this week excavating the implications of God as Father and the framework of Children of God, how healthy communities of practice can “reparent” us, the role and importance of rediscovering our intrinsic childlikeness and a capacity for wonder are vital for our healing. Finally, Jeff walks us through the Three Chairs mod, a helpful excessive and mental model that will guide you in developing a deeper awareness of yourself and reality. As you listen to this weeks conversation May you be met by the Spirit of God bringing to mind and heart key moments, memories and insights that will unlock greater freedom to love.

Foundational to the healing journey is the development of a rooted understanding of identity and the role it plays in healthy or hurtful ways of relating to ourselves, others, God and the world. In this week's conversation we explore crucial questions and concepts such as “What is a healthy and reliable anchor for our identity?” Where does the false self, imposter syndrome or orphan mentality come from? We also share more deeply some of our own stories and the insights we've gleaned from both triumphs and tragedies along the way. Threaded throughout this weeks conversation is the mystery of God's love and the profoundly hopeful truth that if we allow the quiet work of grace to unwind the wounds of the past we can begin to experience our pain and disappointments as a gift to offer others. Thank you for joining us, and if you have questions or are seeking more resources to take the next step in your healing journey please reach out and connect with us. You can email us at ftlpod@northcoastcalvarychapel.org or at www.therelationshipresource.org