Somebody Wrote This

Kelly and Lexi have not learned from their mistakes and are back to cover the second instalment of Lifetime's collab with the ghost of VC Andrews, Dark Angel. Heaven Casteel has a new name and yet another family to flee, but not before she makes out with her uncle. Some elements of the book were sorely missed, such as the private school poop chute prank and Fanny's essential Fanninness.  And yet, there are some upsides to the visual medium because how could we have understood the sheer volume of Troy's shirt otherwise? Included are snippets of fanfic about life on the set of Dark Angel, especially for the actor behind Troy. Sorry to this man. And remember: do not attempt VC Andrews math at 1:53 am!

Due to relentless demand, Kelly and Lexi emerge from hibernation to tackle Lifetime's adaptation of the VC Andrews hillbilly opus, Heaven. With hugs that turn evil, anachronistic t-shirts, and generic cereals, does this extremely Canadian production live up to our lofty expectations for Fanny et al.? Part one of probably several.   

Only VC Andrews could make it happen: it's a holiday miracle, as Kelly and Lexi are back after all this time. Ruby might be set in the bayou instead of an attic, but it checks all the usual traumatic boxes, including hot parents, shopping sprees, dubious consent, death in childbirth, and, of course, incest. Throw in multiple instances of baby trafficking and some words we were scared to look up in the dictionary and you get one hell of an inappropriate addition to the Andrews canon. So grab your triangle and get down to the fais dodo for an extremely long new instalment of Somebody Wrote This.   

Have you ever read a book about a witch and thought, I really wish this lady was helpless to the whims of her boyfriend, closest friend, and father? Well good news for you and bad news for us: Kelly and Lexi read L.S. Gagnon's "Witch: A New Beginning" and that's basically the gist. Gruesome violence meets the mildest language this side of the 1950s in this tale of Salem, memory and a crystal I never want to hear about ever again. Come for the civil war between warlocks and witches, stay for The Boys. I hear Fish can do all kids of stuff with his mouth...Happy Hallowe'en, little stinkers! 

Ladies and germs, it's a big one: join Lexi and Kelly as they discuss the life-changing feminist fantasy masterpiece that is Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon. From the origins of Lexi's "Lancelot Problem" to the threeway that ended Kelly's childhood, this retelling of the Arthurian legend from the women's perspectives set our hostesses on a wayward path to reading more seminal (in every sense) books. It made us angrier and smarter and pickier about art. But does it hold up to our current lofty standards and transcend revelations about the author herself? There's a lot to drink about. Part 2 of 2.    CONTENT WARNING: This episode of Somebody Wrote This contains references to the sexual abuse of children and pedophilia.

Ladies and germs, it's a big one: join Lexi and Kelly as they discuss the life-changing feminist fantasy masterpiece that is Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon. From the origins of Lexi's "Lancelot Problem" to the threeway that ended Kelly's childhood, this retelling of the Arthurian legend from the women's perspectives set our hostesses on a wayward path to reading more seminal books - in every sense of the word. It made us angrier and smarter and pickier about art. But does it hold up to our current lofty standards and transcend revelations about the author herself? There's a lot to drink about. Part 1 of 2. 

The definition of insanity is Kelly and Lexi reading yet another Jean M. Auel book featuring everyone's least favourite cavemen, Jondalar and Ayla. And while the title of Plains of Passage, the fourth novel in the Earth's Children series, implies movement, change, and action, we get lists of grasses instead. Sure, there is a female utopia gone wrong and scummy mammoth sex, but in between there are grasses. Whole paragraphs, pages and chapters of it. And yet somehow, we already know that we'll probably read the next one too. Goddamn it.  

Kelly and Lexi briefly emerge from hibernation to experience Fifty Shades Darker, the movie adaptation of the unnecessary novel of the same name by EL James. All of our faves are back - except for the well-meaning director and writer of the first instalment - but there's still lots to talk about like Christian's "smiles", Anastasia's sublime energy and frantic-eyed waifs. Yes, it's the usual from EL et al. but it's somehow more fun than last time. Maybe it was our lack of expectations? Maybe it was the maple-flavoured whiskey liqueur? It was definitely at least partly the lipstick. We've missed you so grab anything to drink and join us for some highfalutin trash talk!     

We couldn't just walk away from VC Andrews' My Sweet Audrina without getting Lifetime's hot take on the whole mess, and so we present a very special, very sober edition of Somedy Wrote This. Starring lots of background noise (dogs, cats, airplanes), we take a look at this made-for-TV oeuvre and how it varies from the novel and why that's ultimately good for the world. Are there leather vests? Yes. Soap-opera vilain goatees? Sure are. Canadian accents? And how. Join us as we celebrate never having to think about this again!  

It's the one you've been waiting for. Lexi and Kelly read VC Andrews' My Sweet Audrina at your insistence. There are a lot of chips to lay down on our VC Andrews bingo card this time: hot parents, magic hair, a nympho tween, and terrible children's songs about rooms. But this one is so much more than that. It's timeless Southern Gothic where staircases kill and porn clippings stick to your fingers. Spike your tea with some bourbon and have an extended listen.

Take Bridget Jones and Sex and the City, subtract the humanity and the light, and you're left with Jane Green's Jemima J, an indictment of the late 90s and all the rollerblading and suede that came with them. We're treated to some world-class fat shaming here, along with very early catfishing, staggering generalizations, and characters that are tanned, starving husks of people meat, their souls having long departed if they were ever there at all. And do not fear: if you wait around long enough and lose so much weight that the man of your dreams no longer recognizes you, you just might just get him to love you back. xoxo, JJ   ***There's a weird glitch in the file, so you might hear a jump around the 47th minute...Sorry, we can't fix it!***

A librarian acquires a new lover on a business trip to Northern Ontario, except that he's a bear, as in not a human at all. But is it a bear or a symbol of the reaffirmation of her sexuality and a victory over her alienation from her own body, its desires and the sublimation of her needs into an eroticism that is palatable to men? It's a bear.   Kelly and Lexi are back and the first in line at the liquor store to recount the tale of a cataloguer and her furry new boyfriend in Marian Engel's Bear, a book that won awards mainly because of the 1970s.

We're back and so are Heaven, Fanny, Logan, mean old ladies, and incest. It's time to dust off our hilbilly accents and pick up where we left off with the second installment of the Casteel series, Dark Angel by VC Andrews. Heaven may have made it out of the Willies, but desperate poverty and hunger are no match for new hardships like mazes and slightly unfashionable shoes. Featuring the debut club track from the Somebody Wrote This house band, DJs in the Attic!

Baby balls and botheration, we had to read Karen Moline’s Belladonna for your listening displeasure. Have you ever longed to hear the seemingly unedited thoughts of a fat eunuch who is fat and also a eunuch? No? Too bad. Set in hundreds of locations over thousands of years, Tomassino (or Tassimo) tells the story of Ariel Nickerson, a young and fresh-faced dummy who somehow tumbles into sex slavery in 1930s Britain only to become the leading nightclub proprietor of 1950s New York? I don’t know. Revenge something something eunuchs sex cream ostrich rides. The end.

We ventured into the frozen countryside and around the corner to bring you this inevitable special minisode about Sam Taylor-Wood's adaptation of EL James's Fifty Shades of Grey, a movie we thought we would hate, but maybe didn't? Is this episode almost as long as the movie (which was too long)? Maybe. Were we happy to see Charlie Tango? Definitely. Did Lexi get upset about sweaters again? You know it. Join us for this celebration of Dakota Johnson that turns into a therapy session about Jamie Dornan's shark eyes. We had so much to say, there might be some written follow-ups. Not sorry.   

What do bottles, brothels and bladders of fat have in common? I wish I could say nothing. Tragically, however, the answer is Teleny, an upsetting attempt at Victorian erotica attributed to Oscar Wilde, although didn't the man suffer enough indignities to be spared this? Human delight Sarah joins Lexi in London to wade through this smutty imbroglio and tackle the unexplainable shared visions and magic anatomy that left them bewildered and uneasy. Unlike poodles and young Arabs. Sorry for the nightmares and happy holidays.      

Ghosts, goblins and ghouls? That's nothing compared to crazy sweaters, wine metaphors and mixed-creature yoga. The scariest thing we've read so far is A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, all the more terrifying for being the first in a series. Never has an episode had more sing-talking or imitations, not to mention basic anger. Kelly does some impeccable accents, Lexi misspeaks spectacularly and no one wins in the end. Please join us for some extra special Halloween rage so that this will have meant something - we promise to kiss you in the French manner.

The sun, the surf, palms trees nodding gently in the tropical breeze, laser discs and well-oiled sex slaves whimpering...Welcome to the all-inclusive resort you'll wish you'd never heard of, The Club, from Exit to Eden by Anne Rice (or Anne Rampling). Kelly and Lexi are joined by Fiona; this is her first dirty book and they are so very, very sorry. There's the usual (Lexi's Confusion Corner, Unacceptable Euphemisms) and some brand-new horrors to contend with (butter and cinnamon), but we can guarantee that you'll feel what the French call a frisson of disgust somewhere along the way.  

Yes, it's that Mark Gatiss and no, he shouldn't have: Lexi and J discuss Christian Fall's The King's Men from Nottingham. Ostensibly set during the English Civil War, this work of skin-crawling pornography made us angry and despairing in turns, what with its toe-sucking and impromptu orgies, the libel and all the sweat. If you like history or sex or love or birds, I'm sorry but they don't survive this book. RIP those things. Listen as Lexi struggles to recall who's boned whom and J sets the record straight about wooden buttons and Prince Rupert. Also, there is also a mobile sex-slave unit in it. This is the kind of book that pseudonyms are for. 

While Lexi's gallivanting through the Highlands, Kelly does the next best thing and watches a sexy Scot ride through them on her television. The much anticipated Outlander series (based on the novels by Diana Gabaldon) premiered and all the right people saw it. Lori and Kelly discuss the lush brown hills, exposition coming to life, and hair. Do the images on screen match up to what they've imagined from the book? Which scene was worth a rewind? And most importantly, how hot was Jamie? Even Sound Man Marc can't help but put in his two cents. 

So much is wrong, once again, in yet another implausibly dysfunctional family. Kelly and Lexi struggle to figure out just how inappropriate the relationships are in the first instalment of VC Andrews' series on the Catseel family, Heaven. Sexy kids, cloakroom shenanigans, fradulent ceramicists, hamster mutilation - you know, the usual. Stop making us read these.

We were supposed to be on a break, but Lifetime made us do it. Kelly and Lexi emerge from rehab to join those kooky Dollangagers for more incest, more donuts and less charisma in Lifetimes Petals on the Wind. Listen as we have difficulty remembering a movie we just watched. We just can't seem to shake VC Andrews here at Somebody Wrote This... 

Kelly and Lexi wonder how these dumb cavemen managed to invent everything while doing nothing over 550 pages and 3 years. Neanderthal slurs, fur fruit rollups, domesticated lions, and portable crones - nothing can save this second installment of Jean M. Auel's Earth's Children (Clan of the Cave Bear) series from podcast infamy. Do not read this book - listen to us instead.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, enjoy/despise this tale of leather rooms, serial killer supplies and the classic British novel, plus helicopters. It's the book everyone pretends they didn't read, E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey. Christian and Anastasia defy the rules of English and basic human logic for 500 pages and we (almost) all went along for the ride. We'd be sorry if we thought for one second you hadn't read it already.

Kelly and Lexi watched Lifetime's actually a little bit good Flowers in the Attic movie and talked to Lexi's phone about it. Listen as Bart is lamented (again) and they struggle to remember the book's ending because of wine holes. Oh and the twins are still annoying.

Join Kelly, Lexi, Rachel and Lori back in Scotland with double the booze and half the memories. Kelly even comes up with a theme song for Diana Gabaldon's Outlander. Some of us have read it too much, some of us haven't read it at all, but all of us talk over each other anyway.

Kelly, Lexi and Lori commiserate about this baffling medieval romp that manages to slander the dead and fluster the living. Bagpipe outrage + wine = regret. Happy winter holidays and possible year change.

Kelly, Lexi and Rachel discuss the wonder of YA inappropriateness that is Flowers in the Attic by VC Andrews. Bonus if you like people that sound sick, people that say "like" a lot, people that talk over each other and Bart. Happy Halloween? 

We introduce ourselves and banter stiffly for about 3 minutes. Our first selection, V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic, is announced. The world trembles.