If We Matter

Seasons change, circumstances change, people change and the world changes. everything is always changing. That means we have to allow and even insist that our stories change or we will find ourselves stuck.   The longer we hold a story the more likely we are to see it as truth. But any stories we hold are, at best, part of the truth. More often they are created in our minds by our own fears insecurities and desires.   The best way to keep from getting stuck is to make stories a part of our everyday thinking; Always aware of them, wondering about the impact they are having in us.   What if accepted the reality that we are hardly ever dealing with facts alone and began to interact intentionally with the stories.   What if we called on our creative energies to rewrite the way we look at life and play with what could be instead of saying stuck in what is?   This week I experience the power of that when I realized that I was holding onto a story that needed to change. Having committed to finishing the first year of this podcast before taking a break, I was pushing through without freedom OR effectiveness to episode 52. I was telling myself the story that my plans had to stay the same even though the circumstances of my life were drastically changing.   It was empowering when I realized that I didn’t have to keep that story. It’s always an option for me to tweak or totally rewrite my stories because they are just stories.   For that reason, I have written in a break starting today with the intention to come back for another round of episodes when it feels right! It feels right and I feel the freedom of choosing my own story!   There is so much more I want to explore about the stories we live in and so many people I still want to interview. In the meantime, I invite you to listen again to the episodes already recorded and allow them to impact your journey. Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates and reach out by email with questions and input. The Facebook group provides us a place to stay connected and talk about the things we are learning.   Relationships are as fascinating as the people in them. I love to think outside the boxes and use the creativity God our in me for the sake of all that’s possible.   Don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching if you want to thrive more fully in your relationships or figure out why you can’t get there in a particular one. It has been a challenging and powerful year for me. I hope it has for you too.   We all matter more than we think and life is better when we know that.                 Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

I am becoming fascinated by the reality that all of us humans are always telling stories, to ourselves.   Every single observable fact carries meaning to us as individuals. We experience things and instinctively run them through the grid of our past experiences for interpretation. What comes out on the other side is a story. Facts are observable data, stories are things that give meaning to the facts; things like opinions, judgments, and beliefs. We rarely argue the facts with anyone. Facts don’t create stress or drama, they don’t even hurt people’s feelings, it’s the meaning we give to the facts that gives them power.   Stories need to be separated from the facts because facts are objective, while stories are subjective. They can’t be proven and they are different for everyone. Stories are not interchangeable. I can’t borrow your stories, because they don’t have meaning for me. But our stories need to influence each other. My experience of you and your stories is part of the ever-evolving story of my life. To know your stories is to know you.   Because stories are made up, they can’t be right or wrong; just real. That means we can own our own stories and still hold them loosely. We don’t have to defend them or prove them...we just get to see, understand, share and evaluate them.   When a person matters to me, so does their story. It often requires hearing a person's story before we are able to see and accept them for who they are.   Imagine with me the beauty and the power of seeing stories for what they are and allowing them to teach us about ourselves and each other. Imagine becoming aware that stories are present and evolving. They don’t represent the facts, just the way an individual happens to see certain facts at this moment.   Every little argument feels like it’s about the facts; someone is right and someone is wrong, but that’s not how stories work. Stories can’t be right or wrong. Stories just are and they just have to be what they are, until they become expanded my new experiences.   Today’s episode is an invitation to see and value the stories; our own and those of the people around us. People are made of stories. Stories matter because people matter.               Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Such a fascinating question that I asked myself for the first time last night. The answer came so quickly that it surprised me.   Yes... I am always kidding myself and I do it without even noticing.   The reason I believe that, is based on some things I read once in the book Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. Those things have recently resurfaced In my mind through other authors. Let me summarize it for you.   In the context of our normal human existence, we walk through life on guard against things that threaten our sense of worth and well-being. That’s because we actually have a part of our brain that functions as a watchdog for threats. Most of us have experienced the way our body instinctively responds to perceived danger and are aware of the way fear enables us to perform in abnormal ways for the sake of our physical safety. That doesn’t happen very often but it’s nice to know that we are wired to rise up and protect ourselves if it’s needed, right?   What most of us don’t give credence to is the fact that our brain perceives threats to our emotional security almost continuously. Without even realizing we are afraid, our brain activated the rest of the body and we kick into fight or flight mode.   Last night I had a moment that got me in touch with this reality. In a texting conversation (I know.. that was my first mistake) I asked my son a question that was based in fear, but I had no idea that was true because I didn’t feel any fear. In my mind I was following an urge to be more straight forward in all of my communication; especially with my family. I want us to be more free to say what we think and how we feel. Why does that have to be so hard?   I was genuinely kidding myself, even though I couldn’t see it. The reality that my words were rooted in fear was something I didn’t see. But the reactions of both my son and myself proved that they were. My fear sparked his and... well you know the rest of that story.   It didn’t feel good when I went to bed, but I somehow believed it was good. I believed the words I spoke in Episode 45, “pain always leaves something good behind. It did.   It got me in touch with how important it is for me to be aware of my fears before I enter into conversations, social gathers, or show up at work. If I’m aware of my hidden fears I am able to choose how to relate with those fears. I won’t get caught off guard by them and react, instead I can respond. When I respond it can be from a place of knowing -who I am and what’s important to me.   If this is the normal human condition as Dan Goleman and other respected authors tell us, then calling it normal and expecting it to be present, in both of us, becomes really important. It keeps us dealing with the facts of our lives and not just the stories that form around those facts because we are afraid.   When I am not aware of my fears I believe the stories I make up that give meaning to what happens around me. Once I do that, I will either blame myself for being a loser who deserves disrespect or another for being a selfish and mean person who simply doesn’t care whom they hurt. Blame turns to shame and I will direct it outward “shame on you” or inward “shame on me.”   Neither of those produces healthy communication or satisfying relationships.   It makes the question of If we Matter so important. If I am certain that we all matter regardless of what we do or don’t do, I will devote myself to knowing that I matter and helping others believe that they matter too. I will want to honor all of us.   Our challenge for this week is two-fold. To revisit the idea that everyone really does matter (period) and practice seeing people through that lens. To continually ask ourselves what we are afraid of as we walk through the week. Choosing to be mindful that all of us live with a very real sense that we are not enough to actually matter. From there we live to defend any sense of worth that we have or to perform for the sake of gaining some.   I’m intrigued to discover the impact of owning my fears so they don’t have the power to own me.   Will you practice with me? Share your thoughts with me and/or our Facebook community? Reach out to me for a free coaching session to jump-start this way of living? This IS worth it, because we DO matter!               Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

If you listened to episode 44 you may have responded with the thought, “but I’m in so much pain!”   I did, even as I was recording it. That’s because I was in the early stages of a really painful family crisis. So here I am, In more pain than I know what to do with, reminding myself that pain never comes without leaving behind some good. It’s the kind of good we don’t think about very much, especially in the midst of it. But it’s good in ways that I can’t afford to avoid.   I guess I’m experiencing the power of a new paradigm shift... pain is good.   Have you ever really contemplated the goodness of pain?   I have been doing that all month in my online course and here is what I’m learning about pain.   It’s good because it softens me   It’s good because it humbles me   It’s good because it’s a part of life that all humans experience.   It’s good because it teaches me so much about living as it prepares me for whatever the future holds.   It’s good because it reveals my strength and resilience. Getting through it proves to me that I have what it takes to make it (no matter what life throws at me).   It’s good because it invites the best of me to show up as I get in touch with how much I need people, creativity, vision, and hope. I need to respond in a way that teaches me to believe in my ability to survive pain and thrive in the midst of it.   It opens me up to the goodness of transparency.   It makes me more compassionate toward others.   As a person of faith... it also dramatically increases my intimacy with Jesus.   I don’t know if you can sense the goodness of calling pain good yet, but if you are willing to see the potential it offers enough to try embracing it as good, I think you will.   In order to gain all of that goodness from pain, we have to accept it even though we don’t want it.   And once we choose to take the next step and call it good because we actually want some of those things pain offers... the flood gates open!   I will never want to feel pain but In order to gain all of the goodness it offers I have to accept it even though I don’t want it.   Then once I choose to take the next step and call it good because I actually want some of those things pain offers... the flood gates open up.   No pain, no gain is not just true in relation to the strength of our physical bodies. It’s true in our emotional lives as well. I didn’t learn to navigate pain growing up and I didn’t know how to teach my own kids either. I wish I had. But I know it’s all the more reason I need to call their pain good now. Of course, that means calling my pain good too- because their pain IS my pain. I have to figure out how to walk through mine and let them do the same offering whatever support they are willing to receive.   Just this week as I was talking with one of my grandkids he said this to me:   “I used to get so mad at you when I was fighting with my sister and you would say, “you are so lucky to have each other. But you were right.” It’s pretty cool to watch that 19-year-old and his 17-year-old sister be such good friends today.”   If you can open yourself up to the possibilities that might present themselves in the presence of pain, just enough to try them on. I believe you will find yourself ready to join me on this fascinating journey. I hope so. More internal freedom becomes ours as we answer the question of if we matter more deeply than ever as we experience pain. Does everyone matter regardless of how they handle the pain of life and how much of the pain they create?   Or does everyone who feels pain just matter?             Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

So much is catching up with me emotionally these days. I want COVID to be over. I’m starting to feel trapped and angry. I really want to do some things that move me forward As a human being who lives with and for the sake of black lives knowing how much they matter. I can’t do much of what my heart wants to do until this is over. What’s happening around the election is genuinely disturbing to me. What is November going to bring?   Here is my reality: I feel so many things I don’t want to feel, and those feelings are not going away anytime soon. Of course, these things upset me and they upset the people around me too. This is a hard season with lots of deep emotion for all of us. I know I need to accept that reality and keep using the phrases, Me too, You too, and Of course (from episodes 41-43). I know they help me stay more calm, clear and kind. I want that.   Another two-word -perspective-setter for me is so obvious that it’s easy to miss or even dismiss. Its what I want to talk about today. I’m okay... I don’t like the way I feel and I wish it would go away. Even more, I wish the things or people that are causing these feelings would just go away.   But still, I’m okay because... ...I’m alive and breathing.   As long as that’s true there is potential. It’s crazy how significant it is to stop for even 10 seconds and notice the rising and falling of my chest as I breathe or the air going in and out of my nostrils.   But still, I’m okay because... ...I know some things about feelings.   They are a sensation that is created in my body in response to life.they are temporary not only are they changing and unpredictable they don’t always reflect reality. When they do it’s just one piece of reality. Feelings are an ingrained way of responding to something. My favorite part is that they are not me. When they move on I will still be here.   But still, I’m okay, because... ...I have some very significant things that no one can take away from me.   I have resilience and inner strength; the ability to smile and care for the person in front of me. I can give and receive. I can pray and believe. I am creative and resourceful and I always get to choose how I respond to everything that comes my way.   When it comes right down to it, I know that I’m okay. Even now while I’m feeling feelings that I don’t like.   When I know that I’m okay I settle down. I can relax and just be in the moment without having to fix anything or blame anyone. I can sink into who I am and what I know is true about myself and my emotions. What I believe about God.   I remember inviting a friend of mine who was getting ready to support her 16-year old through labor and delivery to use these two words. She called afterward to tell me how much it stabilized and steadied her. I was so excited about what she experienced that I told my husband. His response was to jointly say, “wow, Judy so profound” I was unaffected by his sarcasm because I was so excited about the potential in this simple declaration.   Simple perspective shifts like this one where I go from being stressed about what’s going on to Being free to just be where I am are powerful. They free me to treat myself and the people as If We Matter...   I hope you will try it this week and let me know what you think.           Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Judy describes the way that our human lives bump into each other. As a result, we are always doing and saying things that upset one another. The words that offer a new perspective this week are simply, “of course.” Human beings upset each other. That’s just what we do. It’s true because we experience a full range of emotions and the ability to think and choose for ourselves, along with so very much diversity. If we plan for the inevitability of upset, we won’t be surprised or caught off guard when it happens. Once we begin to see it as normal, we free ourselves from the instinct to fix or control whatever is causing it. We don’t need to be concerned about the feelings we are experiencing, because they are just an expected and real part of life. From there we can relax, evaluate the circumstances that created the feelings, and decide how we want to deal with them. The only other option is to allow the upset feelings to dictate our response and rob us of our full presence in the moment at hand. Judy also takes some time to wonder out loud with us about the effectiveness of this platform, for her personally and invites us to evaluate along with her. It’s a moment that could provide clarity, or create more questions. Either way, it pushes the door open a little bit wider for us to see what’s possible in our everyday lives, If We Matter. Her declaration, “I’m in it for the freedom,” stands as an invitation to all of us. Her recent experiences of freedom are expressed with a desire to draw us into this journey with her. What if you could become a person who is free to relate with life in a way that lines up with your convictions and removes that constant feeling of regret? Would that motivate you to join The If We Matter Podcast family and practice new ways of seeing life?           Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This question has been on my mind a lot lately and I think it’s connected to our fear. Acknowledging my own fear, and the broken ways of relating that have grown out of it creates a great foundation for change. That’s because it humbles me and softens me toward myself. However, the impact will break down into more self-centered denial in the name of self-care, unless we choose to offer the same understanding to others.   Self-centered self-care encourages us to get rid of anyone who doesn’t build us up.   True self-care takes advantage of the negative that’s present in order to understand and care for our souls better. That’s what allows me to show up with others as the person I really want to be rather than letting my fear drive my interactions.   This week's two words for a life-giving mindset are, “you too.”   Once I connect my own broken ways of relating with people to the reality that I’m afraid, I can do the same for you. I am afraid so I judge, blame, and punish you. You too! Your broken ways are driven by your fear too!   Do you know what that means??   It’s HUGE... We don’t have to take anything anyone does or says personally.   It’s not about us... it’s about what’s going on inside of them. We can tell ourselves a more accurate story with words like these:   “Of course you are behaving this way, you are afraid too. You’re afraid of your own limitations and your own failure; afraid I won’t accept you because you are not enough. Even when you try to do the right thing, so often it backfires. You might even be afraid to try again, or just tired of trying. I know these things are happening inside of you because you are a human being just like me. Your story is different, but you have a story. Your fears have grown out of different experiences than mine, but we both find ourselves driven by them, more often than not.”   The difference In the way I relate with someone is huge depending on what I believe about them. Is this person just a bad human who wants to get it wrong? Do they want to hurt me or others? If so, and we are in relationship, I may need to let them know that they are actually destroying their own soul. If those words come from a place of genuine humility and compassion, there is a chance the person might actually hear me! On the other hand, If they are just a human being driven by fear, maybe compassion without words would be more helpful.   I love the way God invites me to relate with people in this verse of the Bible.   Admonish the unruly (those who are just being rebelliously mean and they know it) encourage the fainthearted, help the weak and BE PATIENT WITH ALL PEOPLE.   Even when boundaries are needed, or hard truth has to be spoken, it can be given with a soft and dignifying spirit. It can be kind. You can treat the person the exact way YOU as a person would want to be treated in that moment. What I love most about that Is the way it nurtures my own souls at the same time as it offers life to the other persons.   This week when you find yourself feeling offended, frustrated, or angry (in the little things)... Lean into the person creating those feelings. Look closely at your fellow human with a “me too” mindset. Notice and admit that you are scared and own the reality of the words, “you too.” Relate with this person as you would relate with anyone who is genuinely afraid.   It’s so much better to be afraid together (even if it’s not voiced) than to let fear drive either of us into greater aloneness. Fear is much more powerful in our own lives when we fail to have compassion for the fear we see in others.   This too offers us the kind of internal freedom we need in order to be the people we want to be. It’s easier to be mad and to blame and shame, but in that response, we may be forfeiting our own souls.   I’m reminded of the perspective James Baldwin (I Am Not Your Negro) offers about our past. What we are afraid of, can turn us into criminals.   Reach out for a free breakthrough coaching session and taste the internal freedom that’s available right NOW!   See you in the Facebook group!           Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s episode is fueled by James Baldwin’s story I Am Not Your Negro, which highlights the role of fear in the story of our racism. He speaks powerfully undeniable and profound words straight into the heart of anyone who is willing to listen! It got me thinking about fear. We may be living with more fear than most of us Americans are used to. Our American dream has kept us lost in a fantasy world that we are being forced out of. Maybe the issues facing us today are just highlighting fears that we have become good at avoiding. The unavoidable reality is that fear drives much of what comes out of us, and it might be the reason we don’t like each other very much right now. Today’s episode is an invitation to come out of denial and acknowledge that we are afraid. Fear is part of the human existence and needs to be dealt with consistently and honestly or it will quietly continue to wreck us. The invitation: Acknowledge fear with these words, “I’m scared.” Admit to yourself that you are scared. Name what scares you and then keep asking, “but what am I really afraid of?” Sit and have a conversation with your fear (accept it as normal, console your fear with your commitment to stay with it and offer your strength, speak into your fear the things you know and have and are that offer the confidence to walk through life together). Watch for the opportunity to remind yourself, “I’m just scared.” Then choose to relate with life at a deeper level than your fear itself can offer. If you have something robbing you of your own internal freedom you can contact Judy for a free breakthrough coaching session and get a taste of what’s possible! “Not everything that is faced changes, but nothing changes until it is faced.” - James Baldwin. Let’s face our fear together! See you in the Facebook group!         Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s episode marks the beginning of a new series of episodes that will bring us to the end of year one of The If We Matter Podcast. For the next three months, our focus will be less on the issues that divide us, and more on the issues inside of us that have the potential to bring us together. Life has gotten crazy around us, and I know I’m not the only one feeling afraid about what’s happening to our country. The two sides of our political system have become enemies and the idea of relating with each other from where we are is quickly fading. We are no longer just disagreeing with each others’ opinions, we are dismantling each other as people. It’s creating pain and confusion all around. Hate is filling up the pages of Facebook and it’s not staying in our social media accounts. It’s spilling over into our relationships, our families, and even into our inner worlds. What’s possible from here? Is there a way that we can respond to this mess that will be transformational? I think so. I think transformation is always available to us from anywhere! I think shifting our paradigms in a way that brings creative energy and fun into life is what we all need! The shifts available to us offer more for our all of our relationships; the best and the worst of them. Today's paradigm shift is hidden in two little words, that don’t even need to be spoken to have an impact. Those words, “me too,” get to the heart of compassion. They require us to look for ourselves in the things we don’t like that are coming out of another person. These little words both dignify and unify us as humans. It sounds like this, (in our mind, we are not saying these things out loud): You must have a lot going on inside of you, “me too.” “You are aggravated by something, I know what that’s like.” “Of course you are afraid, I am too.” “I don’t know what you are dealing with, but I know what life does to me.” The moment we bring ourselves into the equation we begin to soften. As we contemplate the way life can or is working us (our wounds, stress, fears, frustrations, conflict, etc), of course, we get it. Some space is opening up inside of our hearts for this person we were ready to judge and condemn. Now instead of using their brokenness to make us feel better about ourselves, we are using it to equalize and dignify both of us. We are creating a little bit of oneness in our hearts with this person that we probably don’t like, or agree with. The best place to start is with our closest relationships, and/or those who are the most removed. The first group we care deeply about. These are the people whose inner turmoil is something we must relate with in an up-close and personal way. We trust that they are good people and they care about us, but they get so defensive, annoying, frustrating, and difficult. So do we. We just have no idea what it feels like to be on the other side of our stuff. Try it this week. Pay attention to how it impacts you, and take advantage of any softness that rises up by leaning in with compassion and reminding yourself how much this person matters to you. Your Facebook feed is a good place to practice too. Your relationship with the person you follow is probably from a distance, and those who comment are usually strangers. Instead of focusing on the things you hate that are coming out, let yourself see the fear behind it. Notice the fear their words bring up inside of you, to fuel what is already there. Now you can sit in the reality of “me too” for a moment and allow it to soften you and remind you that mean people hurt others out of their own hurt. We are going to have to be in the mess that has been created by our polarized political environment, Covid19, and racism together for a while I’m guessing, and all relationships are messy. Instead of judging others for their imperfections and opinions, let’s choose compassion so that we can fight from a better place. Let’s make The If We Matter Facebook group a place where we work together to make the paradigm shifts that will ease the relational tension in our relationships and teach us to live free from the tendency we all have to judge and divide. There is so much potential, If We Matter…       Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s episode is an interview with an ordinary person who happens to be a young mom with an amazing heart for people. Crystal was introduced to the If We Matter Podcast by someone she randomly met. When she reached out to me I knew immediately that I needed to know her, so why not make our conversation an episode? I think you will be intrigued by the similarities and differences in a way that might create new paradigms!       Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

For a brief moment after the murder of George Floyd, I had the sense that our country was coming together. But things have definitely shifted. I don’t know about you, but that video required me to see things I didn’t want to see. It exposed me to the reality that the injustices I desperately wanted to believe were in the past are actually alive and well in the present. It brought me face to face with myself in relation to the three words: Black. Lives. Matter. It required me to stop avoiding the confusion they have been creating inside of me. So here I am, navigating my own confusion. At the same time, angry voices swirl all around me. They are from the mouths of people I respect on both sides of the issue (culture war). As you know, it’s been intense. When I process threads on Facebook, I get a picture of us playing tug of war with black lives. We say we are fighting for them, each in our own ways…but it feels like we might tear our black friends apart. We might be sacrificing real people on the field of battle. It feels like the fight is not even about black lives anymore. What I’m sharing is my own journey with the three words: Black Lives Matter I’m doing it even though I know that … … it will prove to some of those who live around me, that I am one of those people (evangelicals) they have always suspected I am, … it will create concern in others (evangelicals) that I am no longer who they thought I was. I share my journey in the hope that engaging together, we might influence each other along the way. I share my journey because I really want to be a bridge, and maybe sharing the journey together IS the bridge. The hard part of being a bridge is that you actually have to touch both sides while extending across the risky middle ground. These three words have dotted the landscape of my life for the last four years. More recently, they’ve dominated. I don’t go out for a walk without seeing them in my neighbor’s windows. In the beginning, I received them as a slap in the face, an unfair accusation against me and others like me. They often come as part of a list of statements that starts with “In this house… or in this city we…” They scream out, “We actually care about black lives and you don’t. You white Christians say you love people but you don’t. Liberals are the only ones who actually care about people.” My own heart knows, and my experience with others tells me that this implied accusation simply isn’t true. I think I was mostly frustrated because I wanted those words in my own window, but not as the political or social statement it has become. I just wanted to identify my heart with the most pure meaning of those three words My false accusers make me feel like I can’t. I began to realize that the words: black lives matter are actually begging questions that go beyond the worth of black lives. As a label for a political movement, it now includes questions about, among other things, the dignity of women, and LGBTQ rights. What about the lives of the LGBTQ community? When the rainbow became a symbol for this community, it felt like a takeover of a universal sign of hope. It had one message and was off-limits for use by anyone other than for LGBTQ issues. Then it became a social/political line in the sand forcing me to “choose sides.” I didn’t want to choose because I didn’t want to abandon either. But I’m on the side of love, and love is on both sides! The line drew up sides between so-called “biblical morality,” and so-called “secular morality.” There was no place for a person who believes that to love God IS to honor people with or without full understanding or agreement. What about the dignity of women? For too long a patriarchal society has demanded women deny themselves and fall in line with the duties of childbearing, homemaking, and the sexual pleasure of men It was required that we carry huge weight, without a voice. Was that really the intention of God? Were we meant to be seen and not heard? Were we given a free will and the ability to reason without holding the kind of dignity those same abilities offered men? What if a Christian actually does care about honoring women and members of the LGBTQ community? What if the healthiest perspective is the one having discovered it doesn’t have to be one or the other? What if we are sabotaging ourselves when we don’t deeply respect both from the deepest level of our being? What if it all matters too much for us to divide and fight? All of this reminds me of King Solomon’s ruling between two women, both claiming the same child. Splitting the child only brings death, while making the decision to keep the child whole might mean sacrificing part of oneself. His ruling was designed to flush out the truest love. It leaves me knowing and not knowing. From this blip on my journey, I have full freedom and deep conviction before God to embrace and to own these three words: Black. Lives. Matter. and the message they bring to my heart, in spite of anything they might mean in our volatile social/political climate. I am falling deeply in love with the goodness of black skin and all that it means to the God who gifted black skin to the world. I am allowing my soul to marinate in the pure and inherent significance of black lives. I long to be changed in my insides. I am so much less concerned about what happens in the United States of America than I am about the beauty of the Kingdom of Heaven rising upon this earth. (I think my God is too.) From this place in my journey, I am not free from wrestling with all of this. I still find all kinds of resistance rising up in me when I listen to what feels like nothing more than fighting words coming from both sides in a determined effort to be right, and to prove others wrong. What I am most concerned about is the way the church seems to be fighting against the world we live in and our fellow humans. That is not our calling. It feels like “truth” has become about prescribing and enforcing one brand of morality on a culture, rather than offering the essence of truth’s heart, which I believe is love. If God is love and God is holy, then maybe love is the deepest form of holiness. The kind of love that is dignifying, patient, and kind. The kind of love that reflects the kindness of God so fully that it can be felt by those who share life with us on this earth, especially those on “the other side.” Releasing ourselves from responsibility for other’s reactions to our “truth,” we seem to take pride in creating more fight…a deeper divide. It feels like we have taken on the role of judge, without even noticing that the pride fueling our judgment just might be more detestable than what we define as the immoral behaviors of others, their lifestyle choices, their identities, or their political views. Where we all find ourselves. We all have to wrestle with the question, “Does my black life matter to you?” Could it be any more important that we face it? What is triggered inside of you when you own that question? What kind of resistance rises up inside of you with the words “black lives matter?” What is it really about? Maybe like me, you will find yourself wanting to take back your freedom to care for the lives of real people and to bring the heart of God to bear on our world. Maybe like me, you want to let God be God and do the work of God among us, while we do the work he has given us to do. Where can we all begin? Regina’s words offered a start: 1) Proximity, and 2) Empathy. These are rising up as an answer to the desires in my heart. There will be no empathy that lasts if there is no proximity. I choose proximity, period. With my fellow humans who are black, as well as my fellow humans who land on either side. I choose to stay authentically in the discomfort of all of it. I do so on purpose because I believe that either everyone matters to me, period, or no one actually matters to me. A friend of mine actually started a YouTube channel for me several months ago. I think it’s time to start using it. I want to share more specifically the words of the Bible that are influencing a change in me (for those who think I have wandered from biblical authority in my life), and for those who find themselves curious about why the words of that book matter to me so much that I could never walk away from them.       Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Regina Robinson is a beautiful, competent, confident educated woman who happens to be black. She is a mother of four, a devoted follower of Jesus and the Dean of Student Affairs at Cambridge College in Boston. The last few months have rocked Regina’s world as she grapples with the reality that her black life doesn’t actually matter to many of her fellow humans. Never before has she felt the danger associated with her black skin. Hearing the heart behind her words will impact your perspective if you are willing.     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

As racism is being exposed, I’m discovering the goodness of allowing the deeper parts of who I am to be exposed with it.   I’ve always wondered about the things hidden in my subconscious mind. What’s in there and how is it impacting who I am?   What I didn’t realize is that intentional awareness of how I’m responding to life in the moment offers the opportunity to bring those things hidden beneath the surface of my consciousness forward.   It’s not easy and what rises up isn’t always easy to see, but I’m tasting the goodness of conscious living.   The reality is that there is always more to experience in every moment that we make the conscious choice to be conscious.   If you are willing to go there with me I believe what you discover will impact us both.       Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Much like Danté Upshaw and Neil Edwards, Jua Robinson is an African American who has chosen to live his life as a bridge. Not many will, and no one should be expected to. Maybe that’s what makes these men’s lives such a gift to all of us. Jua lives in Boston with his wife Regina and their four kids. He works for an organization called the Boston Collaborative, serving the good of his city. As a follower of Jesus, His unique passion involves bridging the gap between a church he loves and his African American people. I’m struck by his willingness to patiently work to create change in the context of the church; where disunity of any kind is incongruent with its very existence. The hypocrisy of the church is on display in Jua’s story. So is the heart of a tired man, who graciously invites us to something better. We need to stop talking about unity in our gatherings and get ourselves out working alongside others for the sake of real change. His willingness inspires mine. My wheels are already turning with thoughts about racism in the context of the evangelical church today. Join me in contemplating this serious reality and let’s let this moment change us!     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Right? I don’t like to put labels on others or have them put on me. A person is so much more than any label they wear, and labels have different meanings to different people. I hate being defined by other people who wear the same label as me. Labels generate assumptions and are packed with ore conceived notions. Right now we don’t even know how to feel about wearing the basic label connected to our skin color. It used to be just a description of our external appearance, and white was white. But now white is being labeled as so many different things, I just want to shake them all off in order to figure out who I am as a white person. Unfortunately, it has always been that way for black Americans, and as a white person, I’m just getting a small taste of how it feels to have my skin color define me in a negative way. My choice for today is to turn it around and embrace the label that is the most uncomfortable for me. It doesn’t feel to me like I have been infected with white supremacy, but I’m going to start assuming I have. I’m not doing it because I’m supposed to. I’m doing it because I want to make the most of this opportunity to explore what’s really going on inside of me and root out anything that keeps me from fully valuing myself and my fellow humans. I want to be someone who creates safety for people who can’t feel safe with me because of my skin color. I am not ashamed of being white I just want to learn how to wear it better. I think step one for me in the long game is to put myself under that label and feel it. I am embracing the adventure because I am ready to enjoy more of the untapped potential in my human relationships. I am also embracing you and your journey, ready to let you be a different kind of white than me right now. This is a life long adventure that offers us all more, as we seek to be better people to our fellow humans who happen to be black. What is step one for you?   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s episode is a follow up with Neil Edwards (Episode 31) a man who is committed to speaking truth for the sake of added meaning.   I’m certain that new meaning will be added to these moments for you as Neil describes the toxicity of white supremacy in all of us. He speaks powerful words into our hearts to help us understand where we are, and what it will require of us, white people, to root it out.   Neil's anger is clean and soft in ways that so accurately reflect Jesus. He lays the responsibility squarely at our feet in a way that is without judgment and full of compassion. It’s so powerful.   I think it’s because his commitment to justice lives grounded in love. He calls us to devote ourselves to the inner work that reveals what’s under the surface of our lives and to do it together. We need to enroll the support of our fellow white humans who are committed to doing their work alongside of us. Together we can become those who engage in the kind of sustained effort that is imperative if we are ever to earn the trust of our fellow humans who happen to be black.   We can’t be content to offer support on social media, let that be only the beginning of a work that doesn’t end. I love how Neil invites us to go and go and go again, as those who bring healing through face to face, person to person experiences and conversations.   I also love the way he compares our condition to an addiction. Addicts are the last to see their need to heal and once they commit to it they must see it as a life long process of recovery. This work will never be done because the tentacles of racism, like addiction, are so deeply woven into the fabric of our being.   There is so much to learn. Will you listen from a place of humility that receives the responsibility he lays at our feet? Will you come back next Friday and talk with me more about what that might look like and consider jumping in with me to do the work? I couldn’t be more ready to do it, more passionate about how we can do it, or more willing to create a path for us to do it together.   Neil wants more for us humans as we live this life together, and you probably know I have been working to create resources to that end for several years.   I think we are on the brink of something so much better! Please take the call of this episode seriously and let’s get at the transformation we want!   I will be looking for your comments and your emails. I’m serious about this, and I think you are too.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

At the root of racism and every other related “ism” is the presence of supremacy. Us humans dabble in it every day and some of us live with our feet firmly planted in it, almost like an anchor. We naturally connect with people who share our opinions, lifestyles, beliefs, etc. just affiliating with a like-minded group of people creates a bias in our subconscious minds because we feel that our way of thinking is superior. That bias becomes prejudice when we highlight our way of thinking in comparison to others in our conversations. We still don’t even notice. Then when things heat up and controversy of some kind rises up between groups, disdain and disgust enter in. Yesterday I heard the term anti-racism, racism. We all see it growing as whites go against whites in our efforts to sort out whose fault this really is. Neil Edwards is a gift to The United States of America. His unique perspective based on his unique experiences up until he came to the US for college offers us a beautiful example and a powerful hope. Neil has tasted a world that most of us haven’t. The world he grew up in involved racial diversity without the presence of racism. He has a vision that I want to borrow; hope that I want to embrace. Neil has found a way to see himself in us white Americans, a group of people who have hurt him deeply. His anger is real and yet somehow clean. I think it’s because he keeps it within his highest value, which is love. It’s a hostile world right now and there is so much to be afraid of. I want to be like Neil Edwards. Neil can see himself in you and I. That’s the most unique thing about him. What if all of us would choose to see ourselves in him today? What if we became willing to see ourselves in everyone whose opinions make us fearful? What if we refuse to let the script of any one group divide us from our fellow humans? What if each of us would get serious about seeing and dismantling our human supremely? I’m in the thick of it and I would love for you to join me.     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s interview is with a beautiful human being who happens to be black. Neil is a coaching colleague and a new friend who has deeply touched my life. His story is unique in that it began in the Bahamas where Neil was privileged to be among the country’s majority. He also attended a private international school, all the way through high school. There were one hundred and thirty students from over thirty different countries. Race was just a thing that described an individual. It meant nothing more. Neal looks back on those life long relationships with fondness and gratitude, thankful that he knows what it means to live life without the presence of racism.   The next season of his life began in 1988 when he came to The U.S. for college. That’s when he began to understand as he experienced bias, suspicion, and even hate. Much pain is expressed and shared between us as he describes the burden of being a black man in America. His anger toward injustice, exists alongside his sadness and together they seem to have bred a desire to love deeply. You will be touched by the man and his story. Even more so by the vision he shares for America. His childhood left him hopeful that as he is able to see himself in his fellow humans, across racial lines, maybe someday his fellow humans will learn to see themselves in him.   I saw myself in Neil Edwards and I will never be the same.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

As Neal speaks of his recent years and personal journey through the issues of racism his intentions are to expose himself. As an older, white, American, male whose life has been devoted to the church, there is a lot to expose.   An experience of the black slavery museum with evangelical colleagues has driven voracious reading and deep introspection. The reality that he, “Doesn’t know what he doesn’t know,” has created humility and a willingness to discover the things he does know.   Check out the books listed in the resources, start reading, start noticing your own thoughts and feelings, and start exposing yourself. Let’s let this episode drive is to change the way we see differences, especially those related to skin color.   This is beyond necessary, If We Matter...   Mentioned in this episode Equal Justice Institute (EJI) - If you visit this website you will find all references to the book, museums and memorials in Montgomery, AL. Bryan Stevenson's Book | Just Mercy Jemar Tisby's Book | The Color of Compromise Ron Hall and Denver Moore's Book | Same Kind of Different As Me   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

If you are not a believer, you are probably ready to give that question a wholehearted “yes.” That’s because you have felt it. On the other hand, If you are a believer, you might be feeling the exact opposite and a bit defensive. I was utterly surprised when that question rose up in me this week. It happened as I listened, and listened again, to episode 28. Whoever you are, I hope you can hear me describe my journey through this week without judgment or resistance. I can invite that now only because I made my way through some crazy feelings and landed in a place of gratefulness. I needed to be blindsided by some truth tucked away in Danté’s story. In the 1960s the church actually believed and taught that slavery had to happen, because the African people were so horribly sinful. Their only hope was that we would go to them with the gospel and conform them to the ways of our faith. While I believe this was generated by people who truly cared and thought they had it “right,” I am sad about how wrong it was. I’m sad by the way it fostered racism as it unwittingly promoted both superiority and fear. In the church; evidenced in the way Danté experienced racism in the context of his Christian school. When Danté described his perception of the sin of the American church, it exposed some things in my heart that were devastating. He named it as “Our efforts to conform people, who have been made in the image of God, to our own image.” That’s was the goal of our missionary efforts because we failed to see God's image in people. Today we see God's image. Now the goal to conform people to our image is more subtle, but it is still there. The questions rising up for me today are these? What else have we gotten wrong? When did our invitation to explore the love of Jesus together change from, “Come be with us,” to “Come be like us.” When did our posture change from humble delight that Jesus rose from the dead to a demand that the world conform to our beliefs and morals? How can we be so certain that we are right? How has it become so easy for us to put ourselves above our fellow humans as a judge? How did we become so arrogant while living under a message that has no room for anything less than absolute humility? I may not be a white supremacist, but I think I suffer from a brand of it that I’m calling “Christian supremacy.” I listened to Dante’s story in a way that is requiring something huge from me. I‘m convicted and I am ready to change. How about you? Are you ready to join me in a conversation to explore what is behind all of our good efforts as a church? Those of you outside the church will you support us in our desire to change and wonder about the possibility of another form of supremacy in you? Supremacy of so many varieties is alive and well among us in America, and I’m getting in touch with just how destructive it is. I also love to imagine what’s possible if we would choose to open ourselves up to the humility invited by the simple question of “If we matter...”     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s conversation opens the door for us to begin some conversations around the significant issue we call racism. The depth of this issue makes it easy for us to leave it “over there” somewhere, and not address it - or to see it as someone else’s problem rather than enter in as a participant. We have all participated in what Danté, our African American guest, calls a human problem. He describes our discomfort with those who are different than us and our need to make them like us. Before this conversation, I had categories for racism making its way into the church, but no categories for it having been fostered in the church. The truth is that slavery actually has deep roots in the ONE place it should have NO place. That’s Dante’s story and I’m so thankful for his willingness to tell that story. I found myself humbled by his honesty (he is weary of working to help his fellow believers understand). I also found myself inspired by his courage to keep loving God and us. If you are one of those followers, I’m guessing you will be surprised by this story. If not, I don’t think you will be. I’m afraid it will become even harder for you to make room for us in the world. If our shared humanity has the last word, maybe it will bring us closer to a place where we all understand, more deeply, just how much Black Lives Matter. I invite you to listen in a way that will require change. This truly is a human problem. One us humans will have to work together to remedy. It’s worth it, if we matter...   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Episode 26 was profound for this one simple reason. In the midst of his own fear and confusion, Danny put his mask on and went to work on the front lines of in the pandemic. He was ready to live out his purpose as a nurse in spite of the risk. He couldn’t trust that the hospital had their ducks in a row, that the government would make the right decisions, or that his fellow humans would do their part to keep this thing from spreading. He trusted untrustworthy people and walked toward the risk because he knew that his part mattered to everyone, and especially to those under his care. Here’s what I’m thinking. When this thing ends and we are rebuilding all of us are going to be needed on the frontlines. We are going to have to take off our masks (figuratively speaking) and get to work together. But it’s going to take a huge mindset shift because we are going to be scared to take them off and come out. When people are scared they tend to blame, shame, or self protect anyway... and right now we are learning to see each other as a threat. Anyone we meet might give us the virus. So I’m practicing. My husband and I see so little through the same lens. We care about the same things, but our thoughts feelings, and ideas about how to get them done are so different. When he says things I don’t like I feel threatened. The same thing is true with my friends. The things we don’t see eye to eye on are intense. It makes talking about them really hard. I’m learning the importance of choosing to talk about things that are uncomfortable and stay with the discomfort when everything in me wants to run or change the subject. I’m also incredibly thankful for friends who are willing to stay in it with me! The idea that there are as many perspectives as there are people has had a huge impact on me. I realize that friendships and partnerships can’t be healthy and strong if we aren’t willing to open up our minds to the views of others and our hearts, to the other view holder. Last week a simple statement came to mind in a brainstorming session: See a person - be a person. To me, it feels like a perfect way to prepare ourselves to work together I the front lines as we rebuild and to navigate all of our relationships in light of so much diversity. It works like this. I see a person (who is saying or doing something that feels wrong to me). Then I choose to actually see them as a person and to respond as a person. I’m valuing my humanity and theirs when I choose to see them in a way that reflects the best of what it means to be a human being relating to another human being. So what do you think about practicing with me? Let’s become people who are ready to take off our masks, letting go of our fears and chasing the goodness of working together to rebuild? Let’s walk toward thoughts, feelings, and attitudes that make us uncomfortable and just learn to be there without having to resist. Let’s experience the goodness of being together anyway! I believe that if we do, we will begin to discover what it means to have a genuine impact on each other’s lives and be part of making the world more like we all want it to be. Tell me what you think!     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Today’s episode highlights a health care worker who is doing exactly that. This moment in history is not one that any of us were prepared for. It’s also not something we signed up for. When life happens to us, in unexpected ways, what matters the most is how we respond. There is so much for each of us to learn as Danny describes his personal response to finding himself is on the frontline of this battle. While he doesn’t deny his fears he also doesn’t allow himself to be paralyzed by them. His choice is to own the role that he plays and fulfill the purpose in it. As you feel gratitude for what he and so many others are doing for us, would you allow his story to open a larger perspective and purpose for you? Judy's invitation is that we listen and then listen again in order that we might use this one podcast episode, in the context of this one life crisis, to become the people we want to be and experience more in our everyday relationships! Let’s not waste any of the potential of this moment. Our investment is worth it ... if we matter!   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Judy’s reflections from last week's dialogue with Neal, created new energy in her for the If We Matter conversation. Maybe it did you too, or maybe it will as you Interact with her thoughts today around the pandemic.   The reality that most of us have had no actual experience with the deadly virus we keep hearing about, is what stimulated her thinking the most this week.   Seeing the way our world has come together to cooperate with something so extreme as closing ourselves off from physical contact with others has been mind-boggling to watch.   What makes it all the more fascinating is that the vast majority of us have had no direct experience with the virus. We are choosing to take action on what others see. Most of us have decided to own the perspective of people we don’t even know.   What’s energizing about that for Judy is the vivid example of what happens when people are willing to truly consider a perspective that is foreign to them, a perspective that doesn’t resonate.   That is hugely significant to the desire and hope behind the If We Matter Podcast. What if we let this event bring us together for rebuilding by teaching us that it’s good to listen with openness to the perspective of others. The biggest example in our country today is the division that we have created around our president (we are giving one man way too much power if we say that he created it by himself). It’s the way we have responded to his words and to each other that has caused this division. Maybe in your mind, it’s more about the media and what they have invited us to believe. We are always at choice and there are always other perspectives. We will never find the good of all without valuing the voices of all. Let’s practice it at home so we bring it out of social distancing and into our world with us when the madness ends. When you feel mad... start to wonder about what’s behind the words and their voice. Get curious and open up. Let’s talk about what happens as we explore the If We Matter question with our quarantine buddies whether they live with us or we share life virtually. We don’t have to see to believe! We can listen and understand.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In the midst of what feels like an unprecedented global coming together, the vulnerability created by the pandemic seems to have heightened the political conflict both among Americans and among us as countries. There seems to be a desperate need to control one another’s behavior, and figure out who is to blame.   At the same time there is so much human goodness rising up as we recognize that we need each other in a new way.   Today’s episode brings Judy’s husband, Neal, back into the dialogue as they “shelter in” from the storm together. The two of them speak candidly about their own vulnerability, frustration, and confusion allowing the conversation to give them insight into themselves and ways they would like to grow through the experience.   You might think a virus would have nothing to do with dividing beliefs, yet here we are struggling to get past our differences so that we can fight together against a greater enemy. I have found myself wondering if we even see this deadly virus as a greater enemy? Everything seems to always come back to the division of party lines, even now.   As you listen you’ll notice the way that talking about these things out loud brought both of these two ordinary people to a more grounded place.   It may even stimulate you to have some conversations of your own where you can express your thoughts and emotions. Once they are labeled and shared they bring clarity to what’s going on inside of us, and more understanding of who we are. This moment is about something more than our circumstances. Maybe we actually have a say about how it impacts us, both as individuals and as a race.    We ARE in this together... what if all of us really do matter?!     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

It’s possible if we don’t keep asking that question we will slip into living as if something less important to us is the most important.   I think I slipped into that a few times this week and I’m thankful for the way this in-between-episode helped me see some things more clearly. Who would have thought that an experience with the issue of homelessness would impact me in these ways? I’m fascinated by the simple way my interview with Darryl (episode 22) put agenda-free living on display for me. I’m also fascinated by the ways it impacted my conversations this week as I tried to get my friends to understand the significance of the things I’m learning. I think an agenda snuck in and it definitely had an obvious impact that I didn’t want. The learning is so good. I wonder how this episode will speak to your life.     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

Are they people to see or just a problem to solve? Maybe what makes it so difficult for us, is that we know they are people. We can’t stand the thought of anyone living without a home, yet we feel powerless. Is giving money and food helpful or does it just prolong the problem? Do we do it to ease our conscience or because we care? Should we do it every time?  Should we engage when we pass by on the street or look the other way?  Is it safe to engage? If we do engage, how? Mental illness and drug addiction make things so complicated. In today’s episode, Judy interviews her friend Darryl, the site supervisor for a homeless shelter in the Bay Area. His compassion for the people he serves runs deep, fueling his ongoing commitment to offer them dignity and hope. Judy's experience with individuals in the shelter who willingly engaged left her struck by the kindness, community, and thankfulness she saw. Whatever the solutions might be, it has to begin with us opening our eyes to see the homeless as people who happen to be without homes. It turns out that dignity and free will are alive and well in all humans, and perhaps the most important thing we can do is honor those two things.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This in-between episode is where Judy shares her takeaways from last week's dialogue with Melanie. The words of the title reveal a powerfully destructive assumption that is pretty deeply held by all of us (whether we are aware of it or not). That means moving beyond it will require a serious commitment to a whole new way of seeing and being with people around issues that divide us. Several of her engagements with people this week serve to clarify just how much we have to stretch, to get to the place where we are valuing ourselves, each other, our human family and our future.   Judy acknowledges that her challenges will probably feel over the top, as she calls out the reality that nothing less will do. Her ongoing passion to move us forward will be felt and you may be inspired by her vision for what could be.     Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Judy and her friend Melanie dive into dialogue around what is probably the most emotionally charged social issue facing Americans today. Don’t worry it’s not going to be ugly because their goal is not to win a debate or change the other person. It turns out there are other reasons to have a conversation like this!   Since both women are committed to authenticity and respect they offer you the opportunity to hear a different kind of conversation. There will definitely be thoughts expressed with emotion and there will be moments when something emotional will be left unspoken.   The invitation is to listen with a heart that is open not to the issue itself, but to the people who stand on the opposite side of it - not to changing your mind about the issue but to the people on the other side of it.   The warning is that if you listen with an open heart you might gain insights you would prefer not to have.   The hope is that you will be a more whole person equipped and eager to dive into difficult conversations around topics you simply didn’t think you could.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This is an “In between interview episode” intended to draw out the learning from the previous one. Suggesting that moralism might be what’s going on in the world today, Judy describes how something as important as a moral compass can be given the power to destroy our world. With more passion than normal, she invites us to give one another freedom to form and live our own moral values. The unconscious insistence that I am right, automatically labels everyone who doesn’t agree as wrong. A great deal of insecurity arises with the need to be certain leads to judgment and a need to control others so that what I believe is right can rule. Even though the episode is based on the judgment Danny (episode 18)received from the church for being gay, it would be a mistake to see this as an episode evaluating homosexuality. This is just one more episode that gets to the heart of what it means to be human together. This episode begs the following questions...   Once we determine that all of us humans matter, will the divisiveness we feel dissolve? Are relationships possible across dividing beliefs if we matter? What do any of us have to lose by leaning in to find out? Listening to the end offers the opportunity to sign up for a group coaching course that explores the goodness of agenda-free loving.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This is not an episode about hell, it’s the story of how one gay man's life has been impacted by the words in this title. Maybe you have never been on the wrong side of those words and this is an incredible opportunity to feel them through someone who has. Danny has been willing to open himself up to a deep friendship with neal and Judy and as a result, their hearts and minds have expanded. If you listened to episode 18 you won’t be surprised to discover that it has led them to question some of their own answers around hell. Maybe we (who might use those words) are the ones who are actually on the wrong side of those words?? More on that in episode 20, for today you are invited to hear, feel and see the man behind this story. We are pretty sure you will fall in love with him as we have. Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.  

As Judy listened thoughtfully to her dialogue with Kirsten she was drawn to the concepts of mystery, and uncertainty. Wondering about those things led to wondering about the human need to have answers, and our tendency to own them with a certainty that doesn’t take into account the reality of the human journey. After pushing through her own insecurities, she began to question her deeply held beliefs. Approaching it as a scientist rather than a critic, opened her eyes to the significance of questions and the dead-end that often come with answers. The aha moments came with the realization that she had succumbed to putting her need to know, above the potential for deeper knowing. Not allowing herself to question her own answers or those she has been taught had caused her to settle in and believe that those answers were final, accurate and complete. The connection between certainty and things like arrogance became clear as she began to see the way she had become persuasive, defensive, argumentative and even divisive. A new hunger is growing inside of her to hold everything she has settled into knowing with a humility that comes with the certainty that there is always more to know. She invites you to experiment with the power of asking questions about everything you know, with a determination to find a deeper understanding of yourself, your fellow humans, the world around you and the source of it all. Opening ourselves up to the kind of vulnerability that comes with leaning into the mystery is probably only worth it, if we matter. Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Judy interviews her friend Kirsten who is a Christian, a millennial AND a lover of the city that she calls home. As she shares her desire and dissatisfaction around the Christian church, her authenticity and humility make it easy to listen and even wonder about things you already know. She’s inviting us to choose wisdom over knowledge, leaning into the mystery and keeping our hearts and minds open to all that awaits our wondering. No matter where you are coming from, you will most likely resonate with her desire to see the church become more integrated with the world, and to equip individuals to integrate their faith into all aspects of their lives. San Francisco has taught her the goodness of seeing everything and everyone around her as a beautiful mess, embracing it all. This may be part of a journey that teaches your heart the same thing... if you are willing to put resistance aside and listen. Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

That’s a question that has been on Judy’s mind all week as she processed her dialogue with Curt about what it is like to be Jewish. What is it like to be YOU right now? What a great question to ask yourself! It’s so important to be in touch with where we are and who we are. It’s also a beautiful thing to wonder as we engage with others.   As Judy shares lots of insights from this one episode, the most significant impact for her listeners will most likely be a story about what happened when she asked that question to a stranger on the street. His answers are so good, they might just inspire you to take on a new posture in all of your engagements with people. It might even motivate you to ask someone that question yourself.   Judy created this episode as an experiment, wondering if her learnings will stimulate yours. She’s eager to hear what you think.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This episode is a conversation about what it’s like to live among our fellow humans as a misunderstood minority. Curt and Judy met in a leadership program where they both happened to view themselves as the odd man out.    This is the first time they have explored their differences for the sake of greater understanding and mutual influence.   The fact that they have both offended each other and had honest conversations, makes today’s dialogue not only possible but fun. Curt's willingness to share authentically about his life as a Jewish American offers us valuable insight. Maybe how we own our beliefs as we engage with those around us actually matters. Maybe each of us is more responsible for helping to create the divisiveness among us than we realized.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Amy Jo invites us to open our eyes to the people around us and value every opportunity to connect with our fellow humans. There is so much to experience all of the time if we are willing to just “leave the kitchen.” That might mean going somewhere, noticing the person you are with, initiating a conversation, taking a closer look, asking another question, choosing to care or talking about topics would rather avoid with respect for what’s on the other side. I think you will be challenged and inspired.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Judy interviews her 40-year-old son about his commitment to offer unconditional acceptance and respect in the context of his career in sales.   You won’t be surprised to discover that not everyone reciprocates or to hear him talk about being taken advantage of from time to time. But you may be surprised by how “being taken advantage of” sounds when it comes from a place of conviction and strength, rather than weakness. In spite of the emotional and financial cost that comes with valuing people, Jake’s willingness to live out his own convictions is inspiring, as is the willingness to recognize and admit his struggle in offering that same honor in his closest relationships.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

After a great conversation about why it’s so hard to have a conversation, Neal, Judy, and Roberto dive into talking about what religion means to each of them, personally. You will hear why Roberto doesn’t believe in a God, that Neal and Judy have built every part of their lives around. It’s so good to recognize that experiences are powerful and all of us are on an evolving journey about what we believe concerning things that simply can’t be proven. Since we an only see life from where we stand, and that is never the same for any two people, why do we insist that others see what we see? Why not walk the road of faith together with ongoing, authentic conversation? Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Neal and Judy set out to dialogue about religion for the first time ever in their six-year friendship with Roberto. His story will have to wait for episode 11 because a conversation about why they had never had this conversation took over episode 10. As you listen to them discuss their relationship you might find yourself wondering why you don’t just ask your friends how they feel about having conversations you have assumed would be too difficult. It turns out that conversations around conflicting beliefs don’t have to be avoided or dreaded. In fact, their impact might be more life-giving than you imagine. They could never adequately describe it, but you can listen, and if you look deeply enough into what’s happening to these three humans and their friendship, you will get a whole new picture of what’s possible. Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode Judy dialogues with her 18-year-old grandson Gavin, about his internal desire to convince others to believe in God. As so often happens when something significant changes our lives, he becomes genuinely passionate for others to embrace his faith. Like many of us, that passion had blinded him to the subtle arrogance of needing to convince his unbelieving friends that they are wrong. You will be touched by his humility and genuine desire to change the way he sees and relates with friends who identify as atheists. You will sense the beauty of what he believes rising up in him, freeing him to be confident without a hint of ignorance… like Jesus was. If you listen as an atheist you will get a better sense of how hard it is for us believers to manage our very real passion. If you are a believer, you may find yourself rethinking how you relate with those who don’t share your faith. Better understanding in one arena opens the door for a kind of humility that is needed in every area of life where beliefs can divide us. Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode Judy dialogues with her 18-year-old granddaughter about her journey through high school, where she discovered the goodness of accepting people as they are. Kayla learned to honor everyone - even those whose lifestyle choices felt wrong to her. So can we. As you listen you will be captivated by the softness of her heart, the depth of her faith, and the beauty of deep friendships across dividing beliefs. Just maybe you will find yourself wanting to immerse yourself in friendships with those on the other side of your religious, political, or social coin and experience some of the goodness At a time when our world is so divided, would you consider changing the way you see and relate with your fellow humans? We are in this thing called life together. Let’s keep the dialogue going. We want to hear from you. Resources Smitten by Us, A manifesto for Jesus followers who are tired of alienating the world Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

As Neal and Judy dialogue about several fights that happened between them during the week, they focus on the reality that it was impossible to resolve the argument simply because they both held a very different perspective on how and why it went down. When words that were spoken are remembered in a different order, their meaning changes. When our perspectives collide it feels like someone isn’t being honest, and we should be able to get to the bottom of the mess. But we can’t because no one is lying about what they remember hearing and feeling. That’s complicated people. If it’s going to be messy, and we know it is, we better learn how to thrive in the mess. Neal and Judy offer two practices that make thriving possible in the midst of conflict. They invite you to wonder with them, about what’s possible when we refuse to take things personally or believe our own assumptions. Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

When is the last time you thought or said the words, “What a Jerk?” The fact that those words come out of our mouths is evidence that we matter to each other. When we don’t feel accepted, appreciated or noticed by our fellow humans it stings. When others don’t live up to our standards it agitates us.    Could it have that kind of impact on us if the other person didn’t matter in some way to our lives? Why else would I feel a need to judge or control someone’s impact?   When your ugly brings out mine, no one wins.   Imagine responding like this, “Oh no, one of my fellow humans is acting like a jerk right now. Something must be wrong.” Maybe compassion would rise up and draw beauty out instead. When that happens everyone wins.   This week’s practice is to change the way we see the ugly when it’s coming out of another and notice what happens.   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This episode is a conversation about respect in the context of dividing social and religious views. Today’s guest, Danny, is a new friend of Neal and Judy who happens to be gay, and therefore knows what it means to be ostracized and condemned by people just like them. As they dialogue you can almost hear the healing that takes place on both sides of the coin. The episode is not about what we believe, but about how we see and relate with those whose beliefs stand against our own. There is so much more potential for human relationships and influence when we keep our minds open to opposing beliefs, our hearts open to those who hold them, and choose to be fascinated by the journey. Resources Megan Phelps-Roper's Book | Unfollow: A Memoir of Loving and Leaving the Westboro Baptist Church Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

This episode will rock the world of anyone who is willing to grapple with what happens when they see or hear something unacceptable. Differences can be dividing even when tolerance is practiced. Judy, Neal and Paul wonder about the greater freedom and possibilities connected with the choice to actually offer genuine acceptance to the human being in front of us. If we decide in advance to honor the journey we can offer ourselves and each other the opportunity to be where we are without judgment in the moment we feel a need to resist or change something. If life is an ongoing and messy process why not embrace right now and whoever if in this moment with us? It’s not an easy choice, but it’s worth making ... if we matter!   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode Neal, Judy and Paul dialogue about what it means to share humanity with the people around us. The research of Brené Brown confirms that we are hard-wired for connection. It’s part of what it means to be human, yet we often avoid it because of the vulnerability it requires. Knowing that we need human connection, most of the time we still settle for the safety of isolation, carefully managing the ways we relate in order to protect our hearts. Looking down at our phones, listening to our headphones and keeping our gaze in front of us as we walk, are all easy ways to avoid making connections. Judy discusses the way her practice of making eye contact has proven to be more significant than she imagined it could be. The simple choice to embrace the goodness of shared humanity is mysteriously nurturing to her soul. That’s true even when others are not responsive. Yet it also seems to be true that when the door for connection is opened, most people are at least intrigued by the possibility of walking through. This week's practice is simply to be aware that our shared humanity offers us ongoing opportunities for connection that are significant to our own well being and that of our world. It is vulnerable... but worth the risk, “If We Matter...” Resources Brené Brown Videos   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Judy, Neal and their neighborhood friend Paul, begin a dialogue about what it means to be human. As they wonder together, barely scratching the surface of this huge topic, they invite you to notice your own thoughts and wonderings. As they discuss some of the complexity of the human existence, you may discover a renewed sense of the mystery and beauty in your own humanity. Simple things like breathing, perceiving, reasoning, choosing, dreaming, working and creating are things we do all day without even noticing. So much more than we can comprehend happens inside of our bodies, hearts, and minds in one fleeting second. People are more amazing than we can know, and mostly unaware of what we do know. This week's practice is simply to notice the humanity in and around us, wonder about its implications, and notice how that impacts us. It’s worth noticing, and discussing if we matter…   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.

In this episode, Judy and Neal invite you to get uncomfortably honest about the way we see people, and the way it blocks genuine dialogue and mutual relationship. Diving to the heart of the If We Matter Podcast, they offer a way of seeing people that transforms our ability to have life-giving conversations and deep relationships even across dividing beliefs and in the midst of conflict. Clarity rises as we come to understand why we can’t get along. Hope rises as we consider the untapped potential waiting to be realized once we choose to embrace the inherent worth. As they share examples, personal stories, and encounters with real people, you will undoubtedly become aware of your own tendency to judge what you see in others and defend what you see in yourself. The challenge to notice our own response to people and consider the simple choice to offer respect will set the stage for the journey ahead. So much is possible once we learn to hold every human in high regard, regardless of what we see in the moment. Your choice to dialogue is critical to the significance of this journey. Join the If We Matter Podcast group on Facebook to learn with your fellow travelers!   Mentioned in this episode: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High Kerry Patterson   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.  

What if relationships that are made of conflict could become life-giving? What if you could actually learn to enjoy the things that annoy you? What if conversations you dread, people you despise, and dividing beliefs could become energizing, expanding and inspirational? Judy and Neal Brower introduce the podcast “if we matter...” with questions inviting us to hope that even those things that feel impossible in human relationships can become our reality. Speaking from personal experience they propose that the beauty of shared humanity opens the door to un-imagined potential for relationships of every kind. As they invite you into their own, unexpected, journey, their genuine passion will undoubtedly ignite something deep inside of you. So much more is possible, they say, but only “if WE matter...”   Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.