Chapped

Well....if I didn't predict my own fate by making light of these contestants obvious lack of employment. But my job less is your joy gain because there's literally no excuse for me to miss episodes. Like my contestants, "I'm taking some me time." As such, I'm giving you what you want. Hard hitting, live action, play coverage of the world's most disappointing cooking show: Chopped. Listening highlights: a michael jackson nose prophecies of unemployment somebody's fetish when dwayne "the rock" johnson was just "the rock" I hope you understand my hand gesture references my sad bowls what they can do with food nowadays reuben's self esteem issues --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Well what terrible timing to fall off a regular schedule with releasing this program - someone shared the show and I got hundreds of unique IP addresses streaming this hot, intense action in one day. Then life happened and I shit everywhere and missed April. But that's neither here nor there as today we talk tacos and as usual - are let down and turned off by what we take in. Hot topics: what the internet can do stems on ram-a-jammin it when is a good time for Josh to roll play as a warlock? a glaring continuity error what my listeners expect a perfect description of baby corn different ways to self soothe put that fucking finger away nothing funny only the real deal Someone took notes during the editing phase...didn't she.... --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Your best friend is back. Your best friend is taking you gambling. Craving a weekend in Vegas? Well how about an episode of Chapped centered around some nasty ingredients and a few contestants obvious gambling addictions in this "Casino Royale" themed episode. Listening highlights: Long wieners The additive properties of the color wheel My cat's poo Bottom thirds Don't get me wrong But my nut cheese! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Welcome to the New Year. Or, if you are a like us, welcome to the beginning of the end of the lunar year. Just like the old gypsy foretold, today is a day where we take it back to our roots. The original Chopped kitchen, regular shitty cooking and the usual crew loaded up with Botox. Some crucial show highlights: Rony's many special gifts. Disrespect served up on a plate. Undressed arugula. How wrong I was. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

What did you want? Did you want DOGS? Well, you got them with this fun episode of Chopped where there are cooking food for a dog. They also have to make human food but not surprisingly, the dog and his enjoyment takes the cake (no culinary pun intended). Highlights: Surface piercings My light and my bushel Amanda's jacket Chris' dog's dick --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Trigger warning: this is an episode. Also, I chose to go rogue and not duck the volume of my reactions because I wanted you to know it is real. There are some very serious issues discussed this week. Issues like: Nico's beauty but also his receding hairline. Mr. Peanut from the front 3D puzzle War --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Wow, it's like opening up a diary and seeing that I've been in a coma for 2 months. But instead of a coma, I was living the American dream dumping my unemployment money into a new business. But enough about me, let's talk about you. Let's talk about this action set in a big rustic warehouse with a hook for a hand judge and some gold nails that make you say what? Sizzling topics: When the beat it so sick I'm a comic A mix and match of timelines A broken promise --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

What a great way to resurrect from the dead but with an surprisingly lively episode. Warning - I do have a new cat and feel free to jump ahead a full 2 minutes when you hear me answer "The Call." Highlights: Michelle's face Michelle's lips 90's DJ's Prayer beads --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

AUDIO WARNING: THE HOST IS REALLY INTO THIS EPISODE AND IT GETS LOUD AND ROWDY. If you are listening in headphone, be forewarned the surprises are abundant and worthy of each exclamation. Hot Pockets: -It's still Marc and Marc -Double ball sheen -The turtles are back -Fedoras --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Never has a truer statement been said - "And we're back." It's been a minute. I took some time to mourn the passing of my dear baby cat boy Mr. Jackson. Now that I'm back, Martha Stewart is our host, I guess. Listening highlights: -It's another Marc V. Marc -Mama Martha -Round Bread -2 minutes of moderate feedback between 15:30 and 17 --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Is this a Worst Foot Forward Products crossover? Because we are inventing some revolutionary shit here today! Hightlights: Invention Curtains America's Cutest Chef Tears --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Greatest of All Time? No. This time GOAT stands for the animal, for whom we have no famous association besides a symbol of hell. So, if you know of any famous goats, please let us know. Get your hand turtles out, because we are gunna have a smashing good time. Listening highlights: Scooby Doo Lentils and their worth compared to a life Pee Pee Pipeline My Cousin Dominic --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

This will be the last time! Go to anchor.fm/lisadank for the rest! Shouts out to my djinn Skiskerwah and archangel Mitzrael for joining me for this hot as lava play coverage of America's favorite knife making reality TV show, Forged in Fire. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

That morning sunshine sure brought out a lot of fuck words this week. What else would you expect for a totally bonkers, yet obviously pre-planned out finale, of the Grudge Match. Who gives a shit about parts 2 and 3. Talking points: Marc v. Marc A long noodle shot The curse word bleeded out round the world A paternity twister BROUGHT TO YOU BY WORST FOOT FORWARD PRODUCTS! THE MAKERS OF PENIS WHISKERS AND PENIS WHISKERS MAXXXX DEFENSE! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

FROM THE MAKER OF CHAPPED - NOW AVAILABLE AT ANCHOR.FM/LISADANK --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

And we're back on track-lemore featuring a new episode with a totally acceptable amount on technical issues. Talking points: Macklemore's mustache and its impact on fair skin red haired men everywhere Blood The Fart Funnel Bringing Business Casual Back to the Kitchen --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU-LWmrwpp4 RIP EPISODE 18 - CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE TRIBUTE Dear Listeners, It is my grave fortune to announce that this week's recording became so corrupted by my recording software that continuity was lost, and out of respect for you, my dear listener, the jokes will be lost too. As a result, please enjoy a brief tribute I made to the experience I had recording and editing half of episode 18 at CHAPPED.ROCKS Talking points would have been: Blood gang Crypt gang How beautiful Maneet looks in the light of day My friend and professional snowboarder, Mr. Winfield Thanks, Juliane --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

After a tragic lost episode and then a second episode taken to its grandpa's house, finally, to end 2020 we have Episode 20. Not without it's sudden collapse of audio quality in the last three minutes. My shoulder hurts, my eyes can't see but who gives a shit. THIS IS CHOPPED. Talking points: 2 Wedding rings Trina - Is she the baddest bitch? Gay Pride Brunch And a lovely tribute to the Raiders, so obfuscated by the mic failure in the last few moments, I've felt the need to read you this poem now. Welcome Back, Silver and Black Is what we said, in Alameda, when the Raiders returned to Oakland. Go to Hell Silver as well. [We build Mount Davis, as high as a sky, but the Raiders still left us. Black and Silver we tried.} --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Like Jake Paul fighting Nate Robinson, one of our contestants is set on proving that white can fight. I don't know if he wins the episode but I do know there is a real special guest (three guests, actually) that make the desert round worth sticking around for. Talking points -A near fatal error -Michael Ian Black -Oats --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Jokes are back! In a classic two-take episode, we embrace challenging topics largely centered around blood and that sweet sweet hog. I missed a great opportunity to make Puddle of Mud reference but other than that, we've got a really great show this week. Talking points: - My friend, muralist, Kiri Leigh's father Arthur - I give out the shows phone number +1*530*420*6909 and ask you guys to call me - Mr. Jackson comes in the house - Big Ham This episode is dedicated to my listeners! I am so honored you give me the time of day or night. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Put me on this fuckin' show. We see more gang affiliation and disappointed judges this week as, once again, the talent leaves a lot of meat on the bone (if you know what I mean). That said, if you're a fan of the candy accouterment, this might just be the app ep for you. Talking points: Gang colors Desert of the side The judges lack of poker faces *****AUDIO QUALITY ALERT - THIS EPISODE SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS RECORDED ON A COMPUTER SPEAKER...IT WASN'T.....just goes to show you that at least when it comes to microphone placement, inches matter********* --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Sometimes, we are serious. I thought this was one of those times until I listened back to the ep. There are an unprecedented 3 songs broken into and we have an unprecedented 4 fuckin' garbage bags as contestants. Luckily, guest judge Neil Patrick Harris does not fail to deliver with pro-level shade. This episode is dedicated to my listeners. You folks are my motivation and I will keep the content coming weekly in your honor. Talking points: Full cubes. No talent. Very well made suites. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

What else would you expect from a rare two day long morning hour, multi-track, multi-take recording but absolute bullshit from our contestants. Get ready for your stomach to literally churn alongside mine. Learn about The Wizard and get that mayonnaise the way you really wanted it. It's Chapped! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

What else would you expect from a 5 month break but a brooding tangent on dark animation magic for a pastry, a special guest in the final judgement, and an egregious error when selecting the programing straight from the get go. Guess who's back? Shady's back. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Everyone needs a friend in these "uncertain times." Have you ever considered an edible, corn-meal based buddy? Find out if your answer is yes in this seafood spectacular where the East Coast accent attempts are, dare we say, numerous. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Update: This is the end of the latency issue episodes. We know this because they are recorded up to a month in advance. In this episode, we see the most anti-climatic end of the $50K Tournament of Chopped Champions. We have a life sized DMX, disgusting appetizer basket ingredients, and the most rapid hand motions we've ever seen. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

What cruel fate befalls our host. Just as a former employer comes forth as a subscriber, an unknown latency issue renders this episode borderline un-listenable. For the brave - a deep dive into Geodude lore and a special musical treat in the final moments of this treasure trove of comedy prompts. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

What cruel fate brings a show I cooked up to quell my solitude, but a couples themed episode with the biggest spoiler yet: ICGZ is married to a woman. Listen as respected judges desecrate high quality pork and I make a crucial naming error. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Perhaps the greatest portmanteau ever created - or at least as good as I'll ever accidentally conjure into existence. Cheesy puns flow like melted cheese this cheese themed episode, which is to say, not quickly. Let's dig in. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Possibly the only time I should have allowed myself to up the volume just enough to understand how the heck these contestants' names are pronounced. Guess we'll never know. There's no way of knowing. One thing we do know, it's a Cake Battle, so you know it's going to be slow going. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Boy, have I been on my own personal chopping block as of late. That is to say, I finished this episode 2 months ago and haven't done much since. I'm guessing this title alludes to a woman who will steal your woman as a competitor. Let's find out together. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

I spent so much time on finally adding intro and outro music I completely have deleted all memories of the episode. I think this is part one of "The Brady Abomoninations" --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Hubris is the name of the game for this episode, and pretty much every episode. I still haven't figured out who we have to thank - is it the editing room or the producers? Is there even a director? Which good god gives us such insight into these poor saps' follies? Whomever it is, a heartfelt gratitude for the schadenfreude of watching a dickhead fall. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

Everyone's favorite Christmastime treat, and, if I remember correctly, a mnemonic device one of these poor saps attempts to employ to get us to understand that her name really is what it is. Or is that totally off base? You know I can never catch what their names are. Chopped Season 40 - Episode 57 Chapped Season 1 - Episode 2 --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message

This is not a podcast. This is hard hitting, live action commentary on the most vicious bloodsport still televised - competitive cooking. It's a deep dive into some blasphemous content as we celebrate Ted Allen and that italian dessert favorite, Panda Cotta. Chopped - Season 40, Episode 66. Chapped - Episode 1 --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message