Welcome To An American

Found an old episode that was never supposed to be released. Here it is.                                        

This week on Welcome to an American Christian found an abandoned kitten by a dumpster, Ryan shows off his boxing prowess and Don Kang starts an underground fight club with Kangaroos. This a much more on this weeks Welcome to an American          

On this weeks Welcome to an American we discuss Ryan's up coming boxing match. Mike from Do You Have Time For Some Bullshit says he could beat up every Canadian in a pride style tournament. A giant 1000 year old drawing of a prehistoric man with a huge erection is being studied in Europe. We try to start a movement to bring back lobotomies.                     

Ryan is looking like a middle aged man. What are things like in Canadas Lockdowns? Ryan is setting up a backyard boxing event and we watch past fights. Ryan's hillbilly neighbors have a feast/ food fight in the backyard. Justin Trudeau give a pandemic ultimatum. UFC fighter Diageo Sanchez has one of the most grueling workout regiments. Nick Diaz is nunchucking on webcam porn sites. We watch a sanctioned nunchuck fight          

01:47 Clever Porn Names. 02:53 Who gets more poo on their penis uncircumcised or circumcised. 06:55 The Canadian Foxworthy of the week goes terribly. 11:16 Christian is audio deep faked to say awful things. 17:11 A man draws penises around pot holes so they will get fixed faster. 27:01 Bragging about the capitol raid to get laid. 38:58 Waiting in line for a midnight release. 46:55 Firing squad in 2021. 57:08 Death By Bilzerian Tank is the most humane way to execute a person.                    

4:36 Christian forgot what we were talking about and he has to phone a friend to figure it out. 12:20 Christian desperately wants some chicken talk. 14:29 We discuss our past bullying experiences. 22:30 Ryan used to ride the bang bus home from school while rejecting blowjobs. 29:58 A dog is selling his paintings from 60 bucks a piece online. 36:50 A beaver knocks out the internet in Canada. 48:10 A man had and above ground filled with sharks to sell on the black market and a man takes our advice and tries to settle in Montana                    

1:49 Canadian Jeff Foxworth lets you know you might be a Canadian. 7:26 We find out how Ryan's week has been going living in a police state. 15:10 Ryan has some hot takes on amber alerts. 22:21 Christian unexpectedly was a competitor in a dog fighting match. 42:12 A  man shoots himself while trying on pants at a Walmart. 44:05 "Paper Route" was the best game of its time. 46:48 UFC 262 is going to be at full capacity audience in Florida. 55:29 Don't go to this part. 

This week Ryan looks like Dr. Claw from inspector gadget with his dog Taco.  We answer the age old question of whether or not you can mail your shit to someone. Christian witnesses a mother run over her son with a segway. We watch Ted Nugent rant about covid 1 through 18 and he tells us he aint scared of nothing. Some stuff happens in the middle we dont want to talk about then the show ends. 

2:29 Canada is full of assholes but its been covered up for years. 7:08 Ryan looks like a cross between the driving instructor that failed Christian 3 times and Jeff fox Worthy. 17:04 Christian is dying to hear the story of how Ryan and his girlfriend met. 18:28 McDonalds, Ryans Loving it. 26:04 Working the overnight at subway can make you horny and sometimes sub sauce gets tainted. 34:05 Autism rooms in the airports. 38:48 We make sense of a bullet that is found in a bag of hot Cheetos.

7:56 Technical difficulties up until about here. 8:33 Being a pedophile in 2021 is much easier than back in the day. 13:12 A guy runs a horse an buggy company in Nova Scotia and its not who your picturing. 21:54 Lil Nas x puts out Satan shoes in response to the Jesus shoes that have already been released. 38:32 BigfootNado

0:40 Ed joins the podcast. 1:51 Ryan is getting complements on his mustache from a bunch of dudes. 9:06 Ryan cant say Massachusetts. 13:58 We find the starter provinces for Americans moving to Canada for the rest of the episode

1:52 Do you got time for some Bullshit podcast was a nightmare last weekend. 4:17 Christian get puked on while riding a roller coaster and Ryan goes to the worst six flags in America. 18:42 The final instalment of Starter States where we learn which state best to move when moving from another country. 42:50 St. Louis is trash. 56:46 Ryan eats a bananas all sexy like.

0:50 Christian is not a fan of Ryans mustache and old timey pipe combination. 8:35 Pipe smoking old man Ryan regales us with stories from his youth. 18:40 Ryans Dad looks like Howie Mandel. 20:28 When Christian pictures Ryan naked he pictures Christian Bale from The Machinist. 24:48 The forth week of finding out which states "Starter States". 33:24 a guy tries to sell Christian rocks in New Mexico and a guy tries to sell Ryan crack. 1:05:48 We learn about Freaknik in Atlanta.

1:00 Randy Newman intros the show. 10:37 Racist Randy Newman sings us a song about Liam Neeson. 16:14 Christian did a stand up set for the first time in a while and tries a new bit about step dad cum face. 24:08 We do our third installment of Stater States where find the best states to dip your toe in the water of the US of A. 31:38 Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. 46:38 The 90s are back! Jnco pants, crime in New York and the Spin Doctors are making a come back. 1:02:06 Jimmy Page cumshot sound compilation. 1:14:56 Cleveland Rocks! Ohio

1:32 The Mouth of Sloth Travis joins us to for our Rush inspired 2112 listen through podcast. 6:52 We break down Ryans mustache and the sexual energy it brings to the show. 15:05 Christian and Travis perform their music in a virtual sex dungeon. 23:23 We have a new sponsor and Christian gets upset about it. 34:03 Part 2 of our 5 part series letting everyone know what states are starter states and which you should avoid. 1:23:11 Christian Is framed for murder.

1:15 Ryan has started a Vicks VapoRub huffing and its becoming a problem. 14:49 If you wanted to move the states which states are starter states and which ones should you avoid. For the next few weeks we will determine the best starter states. 42:23 How much Mexican bologna is too much to smuggle over the boarder and is it easier to smuggle a log or slices of Mexican Bologna. 52:36 Somebody stole the truck nuts for hats and its now selling truck nuts for crocs so we must take them down at all costs. 

1:21 Oh Canada is a pretty lame national anthem and we give it an update. 5:31 We propose a super bowl where the best NFL team v.s. Tom Brady and a random group of middle aged ex high school football players. 12:37 Christian's friend Travis breaks peoples arms to keep them out of comedy. 22:12 We solved the mystery of who was SlapMaster69 from last week. 30:00 A significate spike in porn watching happened after the super bowl. 41:06 aunt Jemima changed its name so we look back on the logos from the past. 50:04 Christian has a "special" experience on a roller coaster.

2:10 Christian shames Ryan for eating "street meat" and driving to eat at food trucks. 6:07 Slapmaster69 somehow found Christian's real phone number and is sending him cryptic text messages. 8:51 Groundhog day lets us know that spring is coming early because one groundhog damned it. 18:29 Q shaman wants to testify against Trump in the impeachment trial but Ryan is a modern day Johnny Cochran. 26:06 Mike Perry wont say the n-word because Black History Month. 35:02 A UFC fighter dives head first into a frozen lake. 52:32 Slapmaster69 breaks Christian mentally

2:25 Biden lets everyone know that America is great and a lady who took a private jet to the capitol raid is looking to crowd fund her bail. 12:56 Ryan gets tested for Covid and the facility could not be more backwards. 19:05 South Carolina Garbage are having sex in public and peeing on vending machines across the USA. 28:07 Ryan introduces Christian to the song that best describes Ryans home land "In Canada" by Bj Snowden. 46:03 The hoverboard dentist debate is sparked when Ryan defends a dentist that uses a hoverboard while pulling teeth. 1:00:46 And finally in our ongoing fight to defend dick art, we read the story of a lady in Egypt who was criminally charged for making cakes with dicks on it.

Ryan's mustache is bordering on offensive and needs to be addressed. One of Christian fellow comedians from his home town has been arrested for some seriously fucked up crimes. Trump is a big fan of Carter 3 so he pardons Lil Wayne but doesn't pardon The Tiger King Joe Exotic. We pitch the Tiger King Prison Spin off and Jamie Lynn Spears is a mass cat murderer. Reading is completely unnecessary in Canada and that's why 50% of Canadians struggle with literacy. Christian thinks All Dressed chips are just mesquite BBQ chips sold to Canadians. And finally we try to find out when dicks are art. Can hard dicks be considered art? or is that only for soft dicks ?

Days after the siege on the capitol we try to find out who Q Shaman is and how did he get such an awesome outfit. Eating someone else's shit wont make you skinnier but may make you heathier. A man, on a quest to curb his opioid problem, injected boiled magic mushrooms into his arm. When the war against the government starts Ryan is on Dan Bilzerian's side because he has a tank. The Canadian Football League is a thing in Canada that no one other than Saskatchewan cares about. Ryan's parents got divorced because he quit playing hockey and Christian wants Ryan to sing him a song.

The town of Augusta Georgia is entirely funded by the Masters, billboards are put up to make sure you don't turn a blind eye to child trafficking and homeless people are getting less donations because people are using less physical money. Corpse Grinder visited Ryan's home town to destroy a 7/11 and threaten peoples lives and a guy does 2.4 million dollars of damage to ugly Mercedes mini vans. A woman put up a massive vagina statue in brazil and Christian wants to put a dick beside it for equality. And Jimmy Kimmel increases the housing cost in Dildo Newfoundland.

Ryan has grown a second lump in his wrist from his DIY wrist surgery and its made him revert to a grunge phase. American has the best New years celebration because everywhere e lse has crazy or dumb traditions. UFC fighters are paid so little to fight for our entertainment that they have to start only fans accounts and now Christian wants Ryan to start one to capture that twink market. We find out that if you need a quick abortion just convert to Satanism. Then we go over to clevernamepodcast.com to listen to Stitches song with Dan Bilzerian.

Its our last show before Christmas and we talk about our most traumatic childhood Christmas stories. Christian tries to find out why Ryan hates the holidays so much and we hear the debut the new hit single "Canadian Grinch". Ryan hates a away from home shits especially when their are pubes on the seat but doesn't mind a work jerk. Finally Ryan tires to defend his love of lifetime movies and c list horror movies. 

George Washington had slave teeth and 1700's dental care was pretty lack luster. After last weeks discussion about watermelons being racist we try to find out the top racist foods. We've taken the most racist foods we can think of and ranked them from least to most racist. Conjoined twins can be sexy but is it ethical to sleep with one if the other doesn't want to? is one allowed to masterbate if the other doesn't want to? We answer all the hard hitting conjoined twin questions. And lastly Ryan is into making DIY homemade catheters.

The Roo talk continues as a woman is mauled by a Kangaroo because she was wearing Sarah Jessica Parker perfume. We find the best place to purchase an exotics animal so we can get Christian his own roo. If you want to help Christian achieve his dream you can right here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/get-christian-a-kangaroo?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1 KFC has a lifetime original movie called " Recipe For Seductions" staring Mario Lopez as The Coronel and Ryan wants to watch ever second of it. Dallas Cowboys coach is in trouble for smashing watermelons because its racist, and watermelons are racists, and you're probably racist cause you didn't know that. Smoking weed before and even during fights was part of Mike Tysons success and we find out that he was stoned during the Roy jones Jr fight a week ago. Christian teases something for next week called "Spitch Bottle" and I'm pretty sure child Christian tried to seduce his dad. Find everything at https://www.clevernamepodcast.com/

It is legal to own a kangaroo in South Carolina and it only costs about 3 grand. So it seems like Christian will be getting a roomate. Stitches got a new tattoo and it horrifying and incase you were planning on it, DONT buy bottled meat from PEI.

Christian is upset at people leaving bags of dog poop on their door steps and Ryan tries to justify it because he is one of them. Trailer Park boys may be bigger in the US than it ever was in Canada. Ryan has keep track of all the weed that he smoked in the week, we take a look at the disturbing number. Finally Dr. Ryan MD performs a back ally cyst removal and we watch the video.

Ryan is going to start working his weekly weed smoking pie chart for next show. So next week we can break down how much weed Ryan smokes. The harsh winter of Canada hit over night and Ryan complains like an annoying Libertarian. Christian remembers the time that he pissed his pants on a strangers doorstep and we provide a PSA for Mothers against moose liking cars. Basketball was invented by a Canadian and there is a homeless encampment that you can watch live on youtube right now. All this and more on this episode of Welcome to an American.

Ryan's growing both a 14 year old's mustache and a giant cyst  on his wrist. "wife Beater" Johnny Depp is racking up points for Christian in the celerity cancel pool and Mike Tyson used baby piss and a fake penis to pass drug tests. A statue Adele leaving her fat body is put up in and feminist are outraged plus a 91 year old woman teaches us you can survive by just eating plant soil. 

The end of days in upon us, America is on the edge of a civil war and Ryan looks like Captain Marvel before he got powers. Ryan stayed up all night watching election coverage and Christian played video games while the world burns around him. Turn out not everyone should vote, especially Orange County Toby (OCT). We make a monumental deal where Ryan trades all of Canada for Colorado, New Mexico, Texas And Louisiana. Johnny Depp lost in court and Amber Turd defiantly pooped the bed. Lastly, we remember playing games on newgrounds that were borderline rape.

Mike from Do You Have Time For Some Bullshit joins us this week and brings the autism test to find out once and for all where we land on the spectrum. Christian has racked up the first points in this seasons celebrity cancel pool. Then we have round two of the great alligator vs kangaroo debate and try to settle once and for all who would you rather fight a kangaroo or an alligator. Also mike gets sleepy and leaves at some point.

Ryan's bragging about being able to visualize 25 apples and Christian is quite bitter about it. Its election season so we are forced to banter about politics but we've made a rule that no one can make any points. Trump is dancing to YMCA, 50 cent is irrelevant so he did some stuff, Richard Nixon thinks the bohemian grove is "the most faggety shit" he could ever imagine and people are booby trapping campaign sings. Finally make sure you buy a "Zamboni" brand ice resurfacer or Jimmy Zamboni might make you have an "accident". 

Christian and Ryan have very different opinions on their favorite holidays. Christian loves Christmas and Halloween and Ryan doesn't like any of them and hates fun. Ryan has been living the lyrics of limp biskits "Break Stuff" his whole life because he was told he would never amount to anything. We watch a medical professional smash a wrist cyst with a children's bible and we find out what Ryan ate this week. Lastly we pose the age old question, would you rather fight an jacked kangaroo or an alligator.

Christian and the the lumpy hand from no funland talk about the joys of playing badminton and how much money would have to fall into a porta-potty where you'd have to fish it out. We find out what Ryan drinks in a week and the results are very strange. Kanye West has been pissing on Grammys and posting it on twitter, takashi 69 overdosed on diet pills and Joe Exotic's dick pump will be on display soon. 

Ryan has anime hair that defies gravity and the great drummer debate is started. Christian hates drum solos and we try to determine if Neil Peart was an over rated drummer. Ryan and Christian finally agree on something and its that Dana White is taking oil baron money and selling tickets tickets to cage fights on Fight Island. We go over our picks from the Celebrity Cancel Pool that happened last weekend. Apparently kids lives matters is a thing and they have some weird commercials. Christian is starting a cult where he is Jesus and Vin Diesel made a pop song. 

If this is your first episode then you should probably listen to another one first. Christian explains why thinking about sex swings in the shower is normal. UFC fighter Mike Perry chokes him self out to make him stronger. Coming soon a deep look into Dan Bilzerian. Then we find out once and for all what old lady Christian wants to bone if its not Joan Rivers. Finally, The 2020 Celerity Cancel Pool is almost here. We go over some of our top prospects and let everyone know how they can join in on the fun.

Christian is joining us from his trash kingdom and also has early onset Alzheimer's. Ryan is taken to court to defend the fact he sexualizes everything we talk about. Video games are probably going to get canceled because of racism. We set a date for the 2020 Celebrity Cancel Pool Draft, September 27th live on Youtube Twitch and Clevernamepodcast.com. And Christian is a terrible son.

Christian was just mouth raped by a dentist so we delayed the live show by a day. Ryan had a fish hook removed from his foot that has under his carpet when he was a kid. Then Christian spent our advertising budget on a commercial with Matthew Mcconaughey. Ryan says that Joan Rivers was one of the most fuckable 70 year olds and poses the question "Who is the most fuckable 70 year old". Then I dont know what happens from there its all kinda a blur.

Turns out other Canadians don't enjoy listening to an American shit on Canada every week because this podcast has almost exclusively american listeners. Ryan spent his weekend sacrificing children to the Canadian Sasquatch gods in the woods. We find out there is a lot of big foots dick merch on the internet and Christian has been Billy this whole time.

Christian lectures Ryan on his weed problem and because he doesnt know Toby from roots. A guy pulls a fire alarm to see some tities bounce, and Canada is working on homeless AI so we can determine if you are going to be homeless.

On this day a monumental treaty "PATO" was signed preventing our and all other podcasts from mutually assured destruction. Christian quits his comedy career so he can focus on pop tarts. Turns out squidbillies are racist. While the rest of you jerked off to newgrounds, Ryan found a closet full of hustlers when he was a kid. 

Continued discussion of Ryans weird bathing habits, minor league hockey fights, christian claims the internet is American and we should be giving praise. Christian defends the fact that Americans are drinking hand sanitizer by attacking Ryan personally. Lastly Christian has some interesting takes on a Canadian sexual assault victim.     

Stevie has cat aids, Ryan still cant make eye contact, some log flumes are racists and A&E cant survive without poor people beating poorer people so other poor people can laugh.  

Ryan has been double fisting joints dancing to disco music in the shower and its becoming a problem. Sometimes when Ryan shits it feels like he was shot in the asshole with a BB and doesn't see anything wrong with that. And finally we make uncomfortable eye contact while arguing about pubes. 

Nick Cannon keeps bringing up Lenny Kravitz and now he has been fired from Viacom. Ryan has a bubbling wrist and Christian is a kleptomaniac. We close the show trying to get Ryan to make eye contact during sex. 

Ryan starts the show by eating raw bacon and Christian introduces us to the world of GWAR and their giant bloody dicks. This week we have a big swinging international dick of the week where a man cross dresses for the greater good and Ryan interviews at the trail mix factory

Get ready for some banter. Covid-19 is now the Stank, Ryan is pulling pranks all the way from Canada by hiding Christians phone, people are dunking off rounds and Christian takes a hard anti bestiality stance.

Ryan is a bigot for not remembering a joke then Christian solves racism. We learn that sucking fucking and ducking is all that slugs do, so we put them in the simulation. Lastly we find out that Christian is a terrible person who makes his friends drink piss and puts his butt hairs on toothbrushes. 

We have to issue an apology to Mike from the Bass Grifters Podcast for outing him for supporting known child groomer Chris D'elia. Then we try to figure out whos country has the sexiest leader when we find the hottest pictures of Trump and Trudeau. Finally, we have a deep discussion about the importance of bangs and have a staring contest to fix Ryans eye contact problem.