Healing the Unresolved

Today's podcast focuses on how to discern the difference between being selfish and selfless, specifically around setting boundaries or anytime we assert ourselves. When it comes to depicting the self as bad, we have to be very careful when speaking in absolutes or in all or nothing language. The reality is, when someone is healing from trauma, there are times when the sense of self has to be focused on as a temporary passage, in order to achieve becoming selfless.

Today's podcast answers a question from a parent who is in the process of exploring colleges for their teenager. They feel influenced by parents who put pressure on their kids to get into elite schools and yet feel envious of parents who are relaxed and have no need to put pressure on their kids. The submitter of the question asks if there's a sweet spot or balanced position to have so that they're not being too lax or putting too much pressure on their kids. Allowing our kids to be who they are, and guiding them according to the gifts and talents God has given them, gives them dignity that protects them from all the things that we fear for them.

Today's podcast speaks to a topic that is relevant to all the questions that have been submitted. That topic is the reality that awareness is becoming less present in this world. Many people are feeling disillusioned with humanity and existentially alone. However, whether just discouraged with humanity because of the present state of the world or from having suffered from trauma, the presence of humble souls in our lives can be a balm on our soul and have a healing effect on us.

Today's podcast is a discussion about a subtle mindset that affects so many of us. Without realizing it, we go through our lives in a mindset in which we are always waiting for some future moment when will finally relax and live as God meant for us to live. In the meantime, our present stressors and tasks are perceived as obstacles. We are often waiting for that moment where we feel we will have absolute control, but it never seems to arrive. Learning to pivot and be at peace with the now is the point of discussion.

Today's podcast answers the question from someone who has been often misunderstood throughout their lives and in their parish, to the point of becoming alienated from their parish. They openly admit they have Asperger's and are on the developmental spectrum. Today's podcast discusses what this means for us spiritually, and how to fit it into the spiritual life and also the parish life.

Today's podcast reflects on one of the reasons why God sometimes feels so distant when we need Him the most during times of stress. The sudden onset of stress or a crisis, trigger many of us in ways that cause us to over function and over control because we suddenly don't trust anyone or anything. This can cloud out the presence of God in our lives and cause Him to feel very distant, like we cannot connect with Him.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone seeking advice on how to find long-term success and stability in their relationships. Attachment issues can be a big cause of instability in relationship building. The hypervigilance for any sign of rejection in a relationship can make friendships hard to sustain. Becoming aware of these patterns and having balanced hopes and boundaries in relationships are discussed.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who feels completely disconnected from God, specifically His love and forgiveness. Children, when in stressful situations, will often cope by blaming themselves. This can lead to a life of guilt over things they never did wrong. This can often lead to believing and feeling like the love of God is for everyone except us.

Today's podcast offers a reflection on how the healing work is a profound way of taking up our cross as well as deepening our ascetical life. It is very important to be reminded that our healing work is not outside of our spiritual life nor contrary to it, but rather an integral part of our spiritual life and a great enhancer of it.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who is suffering from social anxiety, to the point where they no longer interact with people or go outside. The constant ruminating over how we talked, communicated, or interacted, can cause some to completely avoid interactions. Today's podcast focuses on casting a light on the path that the submitter of question can take so that the sound of their voice and their own thoughts do not cause them pain.

Abandonment and rejection are painful experiences that can make us feel like we have no emotional home. Also, they can make us live like we are living a life on the run; running from humanity, and from ever having those experiences again. Unfortunately when we do this, we will never heal and we will stay trapped in the abandonment and rejection we experienced. Today's podcast answers questions from someone who had such experiences and is encouraged to bloom where they are planted.

Today's podcast answers the question from someone who spent years in a monastery, but after some struggles stepped away but plans on going back. The submitter of the question is struggling with their understanding and perceptions of their experience, and wondering if they need more counseling to resolve what feels unresolved.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who endured painful experiences at an early age and is struggling to understand how they can find their way back to a healthy place in the church, with God, and as a healthy orthodox Christian. Traumatic experiences leave us feeling bad, shameful, and defective. We often have to come to realize that it was the experiences that were deeply flawed, not us. Trauma teaches us to expect far more of ourselves than God would ever expect.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who had a negative experience in confession and is afraid to go back. The discussion focuses on what healthy confession should look like and how confession is in encounter with God. It is an opportunity to, in an experiential way, experience the mercy and love of God. It is important that we find our way back to confession in order to give ourselves an opportunity for a positive confession experience and to unlearn the procedural memories that formed from the negative experience.

Today's podcast takes a break from answering questions and offers a glimpse or even a sneak preview of what awaits us on the other side of the healing work. Truly we can reach that state where the healing work is done and we are free to just be completely mindful of the present. Where we can find ourselves in a complete state of peace and mindfulness in which there is no more clutter or noise from the pain of the past, but just a profound awareness and sense of God's presence. It's a peace that emerges when, as the Apostle John said in Revelation, “the former things have passed away.”

Today's podcast answers a question from someone engaged in the process of healing trauma. In the process of their counseling they have tried some exercises from somatic therapy. Trauma is not only stored in memories, but in the body. Many people are phobic or nervous about anything that involves focusing on the body. However, in our orthodox tradition, the body is not bad and is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Expelling trauma from the body is a good thing.

Today's podcast answers the question of what does the late stages of the healing work look like. How do we recognize it and what exactly are we striving for. It is important to be able to recognize that new space when we arrive. We need the necessary knowledge so that we can recognize the past from present and utilize the tools we learned along the way. It also means learning to accept the sunshine after the storm. In other words, if we don't recognize it, we might not know to start living it.

Goodbyes are universally difficult. This is especially true when they involve someone who has played a key role in our lives. Some ensuing sadness is normal. However, what if we experience more than that? What if each time we have to say a goodbye or separate from someone, we feel like something traumatic is happening and find ourselves overwhelmed with grief? This often means that something else is happening. Today's podcast answers a question that involves this struggle. Discussion focuses on what often lies under the surface when this occurs and how to resolve it.

Today's podcast offers a message to start our healing work and spiritual life off on the right foot in the new year. The pace and spirit in which we move through our spiritual lives and the healing work are critical and often imbalanced. Today's podcast covers key points to help maintain balance.

Today's podcast answers the question of what are some concrete steps someone can follow in grieving a disenfranchised loss such as the loss of a normal childhood. The submitter of the question is feeling stuck in the healing work and don't know if they have even started grieving. Sometimes when we have started grieving, we might feel disoriented and not quite sure where we are in the process. Today's podcast discusses finding the beginning and the end of this process and making sure certain steps are worked towards and accomplished.

Today's podcast answers a question from somebody struggling over whether to go to a family function. The source of the struggle is that the family of origin is profoundly dysfunctional and unhealthy. Today's podcast focuses on discerning between healthy avoidance and unhealthy avoidance and knowing precisely when it's okay to not go to something.

When doing the healing work, we can often find ourselves in a different space than many people we have been used to spending time with. We can find ourselves in uncharted waters as we begin to see life through a different lens. Knowing how to handle changes in dynamics and friendships as a result of our growth can be challenging. Today's podcast speaks to this. It also answers a second question about when saying no in a parish setting becomes difficult.

Today's podcast speaks on a valuable resource that is in short supply, and that is empathy. Each day as we set out into the world we are in the spiritual space of the road from Jerusalem to Jericho. The wounded of today are suffering from the wounds of not being loved fully or enough and being starved of attention, understanding, and compassion. The medicine of the ancient world was wine and oil but today it is empathy and love.

Today's podcast answers two questions. The first is about if we can heal from painful prenatal experiences that are stored in implicit memory. The second question pertains to whether or not there are appropriate situations were complete cut off from a family member is okay.

Today's podcast offers three brief reflections. We find ourselves in the midst of a season of great change. Rather than feel helpless in the face of all the change around us, we could choose to be deliberate with the time that God has given us. If we can be good stewards of the time that God has given us, gratitude will be easier to come by. Gratitude and self-acceptance open the doors to the peace of Christ.

Today's podcast speaks about a deep and gnawing fear that many people struggle with, and that is the fear of not being good enough. When we live with this fear we find ourselves trapped in a never ending quest to seek affirmation, please others, and be successful. Our life can be spent in the never-ending act of treading water by trying to keep our heads above the emotional waterline between being good enough and shame.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone whose spouse has been suffering from untreated mental illness which is exacting a heavy toll on the submitter of the question. Both the husband and the wife have a responsibility to look out for each other, protect each other, and play a role in carrying each other‘s crosses. If one member of the marriage believes it's all on them to carry the load alone, it will lead to burn out, and to the very thing they are trying to avoid.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone whose elderly mother is in need of help, but has cut herself off from her adult children. The mother has behaved harmfully to her kids in the past and suffers from mental illness. The submitter of the question is racked with despair, sadness, anger, and guilt. She is also profoundly struggling with confusion over what her role or duty is as a daughter. When dealing with a dysfunctional family of origin, we need to stay tethered to our own family now, so as not to lose ourselves in the dysfunction of the past.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who suffered abuse when very young. In addition to that, she suffered abandonment from her parents when they did not support her and kept it as a shameful secret. Despite all of this, the submitter of the question seeks God and comes to church, but carries heavy burdens of beliefs that God doesn't love her, is fed up with her, and that she does a poor job of showing Christian love. The reality is, her life is a shining example of the Christian life and of sacrificial love. Such is the devotion and faithfulness of a child, they are willing to carry their parents guilt and shame, rather than see their parents as bad or unhealthy...

Today's podcast answers a series of questions from someone wanting to help their friend not be so vulnerable to relationships with people suffer from narcissistic traits. Specifically, what makes people vulnerable to narcissistic behaviors and how to heal from the very things that make us vulnerable to being manipulated. The real reality is, everything that we need is within us and overlooked. Today's podcast offers detailed insights into the dynamics that keep people trapped in trying to please a narcissist.

Today's podcast discusses a difficult topic. Narcissism is a word that evokes strong emotions in many. It is a loaded word that no one wants to be associated with. However, it is on the rise, and it is time for us to start having very open and genuine discussions about it. Narcissism is a continuum or spectrum. The various presentations of it on each part of the spectrum are discussed.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who is trying to understand why their friendships and relationships don't go very far and always seem to end broken. Despite doing years of talk therapy this pattern persists. To break out from trauma, there will be behaviors that need to be changed and new procedural memories to be learned.

Today's podcast offers a brief reflection of how to incorporate our traumatic or painful experiences into our spiritual life. It also speaks to the negative beliefs of believing that somehow it means something bad about us or our relationship with God that we had these experiences. Our spiritual life is spent ascending the slopes of Mount Tabor. Having to do the healing work offers us unique gifts and tools to help us ascend more efficiently.

Today's podcast discusses how what is stored in our implicit memory can often drive so much of our present life and cause us to live according to a past narrative that is obsolete, rather than our present life. Unlike behaviors, which are easier to target and isolate, because they have a beginning and an end; painful memories stored in implicit memory can dictate our present behavior and be much harder to detect because the narrative is so pervasive in our life. But there is hope, today's podcast discusses how to identify and resolve this.

Today's podcast speaks to someone who is seeking advice over how to get relief from their unceasing envy and the act of always comparing themselves to others. Today's podcast explores how our envy is rooted in either resentment, yearning, or is fear based. Uncovering what we are really missing and yearning for, can bring quick relief to envy and comparing ourselves to others.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who finally overcame their fear of seeking a relationship and ended up getting rejected. When we've had a history of painful experiences or trauma, such rejections can make us feel like it's happening all over again. However, the victory lies in that we did not practice avoidance, but had the courage to be vulnerable and to try. So long as our source of self-worth and self-esteem lies in ourselves and from God, then rejections don't have to take so much out of us.

Today's podcast answers a question from a husband and wife who are struggling with the toxic and abusive behavior of their in-laws. For many years, they thought that honoring one's mother and father meant tolerating the abuse and striving to appease them. The husband and wife are now realizing that this is not sustainable and wanting to change, but are struggling with feelings of guilt that somehow they are not forgiving or honoring their parents. The truth is that the setting of boundaries and forgiveness go hand-in-hand.

Today's podcast discusses various obstacles to practicing acceptance of our life and the present moment and how to resolve those obstacles. It's very liberating and peaceful to come to the realization that it's okay and safe to accept the present. It's precisely then, that we have an open chapter before us, and to become quite deliberate with what we write in that empty space.

Today's podcast speaks on the topic of age regressions. Some of our most profound moments of discomfort in our lives can occur when we are experiencing an age regression, in which we revert back to an earlier time in our life or developmental stage, as a result of stress, unmet needs, or life changes. Understanding this phenomenon, and how to resolve it, is the focal point of today's topic.

Today's podcast discusses an essential skill that is needed for the healing work. When in counseling, one of the roles of the counselor is to help us see the larger things that are going on in our lives or what is really behind our struggles. However, we can learn to do this with ourselves as well. It is critical for the healing work and it is critical for our spiritual life. We can learn to use our mind's eye as a microscope, to know when to zoom in and zoom out, in order to see what we need to see.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who fears that their struggles with attachment and abandonment will disrupt any future marriage. The idea of future relationships seems murky and intimidating. Today's podcast focuses on how to reduce that murkiness and create clarity, goals, and clear direction moving forward into the arena of relationships.

Today's podcast answers a question from someone who's trying to understand their spouse's anger. Inevitably, all of us have projected or displaced emotions meant for ourselves onto our spouses. Sometimes when we work our ourselves, admit our mistakes, apologize, it can remind our spouse of what they themselves might not be doing. Some spouses will consider this an invitation to improve themselves and step up, yet for some, it can have a very different effect. Trying to decipher what's behind these interactions can be very difficult.

Many who struggle with depression carry shame and guilt over their depression. We might feel weak, inadequate, and even that we are being ungrateful. The reality is, that those who are the most healthy often will struggle with depression at some point, because of the dysfunction of others and because of the fallen world in which we live.

Today's podcast discusses how the resurrection appearances are evidence that God does not abandon us to grief and loss. What modern day trauma research is telling us, God was already putting into practice in the aftermath of His betrayal crucifixion.

Today's podcast explores an ever present reality when we struggle in relationships. That reality is the possibility that we are struggling with a disrupted attachment style. We all have a need for love and safety. When in early life, an early caregiver was not consistent in providing love and safety, it can create a template for how we perceive and function in relationships. Understanding our attachment style provides the healing path to resolution, stability, and peace.

Anger is a difficult emotion to admit. This is especially true of anger that is rooted in deep, past experiences. To admit anger is to admit we are vulnerable and that we were hurt. There are social stigmas associated with anger. However, hidden anger reaches out into the present and often manifests itself in a sour, negative mood and in constant complaining. We can also try to mask anger as righteous indignation over imperfections in our present life and in others. Turning to, admitting, and accepting the presence of anger that is rooted in the past, will help us see our present life and all those in it, in a more positive and merciful light.

Today's podcast answers questions pertaining to the pain of having been in a relationship where there was trauma bonding. Such a relationship can be so confusing, because with the painful abuse there were times of seemingly positive behavior. Also, when the person with whom we were trauma bonded passes away, it can lead to complicated grief. Navigating the confusion of trauma bonding is the focal point of today's podcast.

Today's episode focuses on how late in the healing work we can feel like we have regressed if we begin to struggle again or have emotional discomfort. Often, it is normal life stress from the present. Sometimes also, it is because we are not allowing ourselves to have normal negative emotions, for fear of what that would mean.

Today's podcast is a discussion about when we run and flee from God's callings for us. We are all called to heal, and we are all called to cooperate with time and age. In all these areas we can practice avoidance and be like the prophet Jonah, who tried to run and flee from God‘s plan. When we do this, we only hurt ourselves and suffer more in the long run. Learning to be aware of and master our inner Jonah, can make life more peaceful.

Today's podcast answers the question of how can a husband and wife who both have trauma histories, stop the cycle of constantly inflicting pain on each other and triggering each other. How couples can make their worst hours their finest hours, is covered in the podcast.

Today's podcast answers the question of what to do when we begin to feel resentful or taken advantage of in our parish. The discussion explore the possibilities of our situation being self-inflicted through enabling or us being taken advantage of. Often times it's a combination of both, even when all involved are well intentioned. Discerning which one it is, and the solution, are discussed.