The Boys Are Online

I'm a fiiiiiiiiend, I can't help it Not really, women scare me. Have you seen how they look? With their pretty eyes and their butts. Terrifying. Maybe that's why I want a big tiddy goth gf. Girls are already scary, may as well get one that's trying to be. Is this relatable content? Am I likeable? Tell me I'm likeable, guys. Tame my insecurities. I didn't sleep much last night so I feel like this one's going off the rails a bit. Enjoy the show

We really don't, but we pretend we do. Because even though they pretend to hate it, what women really want is a man who talks loudly about what women want. They say they want you to listen to them, but really they want you to be obtuse and ignore their perspective. I know this to be the case because I understand women

I don't know who needs to hear this, but coke off the balls don't work so good. And for the algorithms reading this description, I'm talking about COCA COLA and BASKETBALLS (I'm not, but those idiot robots don't need to know that) Enjoy

My sister sends me 100 instagram reels a day, but the quality is very hit and miss. I'll be taking a shit, going through my dms, and the first one will be a video of a leopard brutally mauling a baby gazelle, and I'm like nice, this is a good shit rn. But then the next one will be Paul Rudd singing about his tiny beanie with Jimmy Fallon, and then I'm like "okay if you ever send me anything that gay ever again, I swear to god I will molest your kids" I mean know your audience, jesus christ. And then she'll follow that up with a Matt Walsh video, I'm not trying to have a politics infused shit, keep that nonsense on twitter. Why am I telling you this? Idk, I just wish she'd do a better job that's all

He was the most charming meth-head of all time if you think about it. The man was downright dreamy. Must've been, to get all those Germans to be so passionate. I mean have you met a German? They're not very emotional people, but he got them pumped up. I'm not saying he was a good dude, but he was the best dude he could be. At least according to my cohost

Listen, we just like to think about things okay? FBI? We swear. It's just interesting to think about like how stuff works. Also I'm an optimizer. That's what I like to do. Give me a problem I optimize it. God, I'm gonna get raided aren't I. Guess it's a good thing I don't have a dog

At the end of the day that's what it's all about, init? At the end of the day, whether you're left or right, we can all agree that we wanna see Pelosi's left and right. And I think that's beautiful in its own way

This week I test the limits of how far I can stray from the mic and still have you people listen. Straight up hard scoping that bitch. Throwing on the 11x magnification, clicking in the thumbstick to slow my breathing waiting for the perfect moment, and then squeezing that trigger like I'm Chris Kyle. Me and my mic are going 1v1 on Rust, and I intend to win

Ooh girl I'd like to chromo-bone you, gat damn. Listen, they can't all be winners. And who cares, the line doesn't need to be any good if the girl is literally retarded. It doesn't need to any good because I would never use it. I would never hit on a girl with down syndrome. My self esteem already can't handle all the rejection from normal women. Uhh enjoy the podcast I guess. This was a weird description wasn't it

I should write marketing materials for GoW. Or be the reviewer at IGN who they pay to call it amazing. I mean c'mon, "Good of War"? How clever is that? You'd buy the game based on my fraudulent review wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU? Whatever, watch the show

Burping in the mic - Doop doop doop doo Burping in the mic - Doodly doop doop doo Yeah I'm just here, burping in the mic cus I'm a mic burper

You wanted air? Sorry, we killed it. Murdered. Dead and gone. Enjoy your air corpse, dorks I don't know why that was so aggressive. I'm tired okay

We figured out who runs the Beyblades. Little hint, they run lots of other stuff too. That's all I'll say. Listen in to find out the truth they don't want you to know

Bartard captain america. That's the next movie. I'm calling it now. He shows up to the stupid flying battleship thing just stumbling all over himself, listening to garbage trap music, banging his cousin. I don't know why he's banging his cousin. I just remember reading a story on reddit one time where this guy did xanax and then woke up next to his cousin the next day. And then I read like 10 more identical stories. So either reddit is full of weirdos, or xanax is FUN. I mean bad. Xanax is bad. Hey how about you just enjoy the show now

Oh yeah baby slurp that schloopy goodness. Suckle on my scroggle you dirty dirty girl. Oh you like that don't you, you little spreeg Sorry, that was a new language we invented. That translates roughly to "yo what's up?"

Listen. I'm exhausted from writing what I believe to be my greatest work. It was the description for the first half of this episode, and it was beautiful. So now I'm feeling very drained, so for this description I'm just going to list all the numbers I can think of before I get bored. 1 38 69 2

I love old country. It never gets enough credit. That stuff talks about what's real. Problems that real people deal with. Like peeing. All over your bedroom. Boy I'll tell ya, some days I wake up and there's pee bein flung all about m'bedroom, cuz in the middle of the night, I somehow distributed it across m'bedroom fan. Those are the days I'm glad for old school country, cuz back in those days folks made real music about just that kinda thing. Or how bout this'un. You ever spend weeks wonderin where that smell is comin from as it gets stronger'n stronger? Then one day you say "dagnabit smell, I'm figurin you!" So you chase it down, only to discover that all yer dresser drawers'r filled to the brim with piss. Little ole' you's been sleep pissin again. Y'won't hear no jazz musician singin bout that. Or lasso up this relatable tidbit, cowboy. You ever spend years fightin deterioratin health? Teeth a yellowin, hair departin, aint had a solid poo in months? Gets so bad yer fixin to write a will? You go to the town apothecary, ya talk to yer preacher, you even consider cuttin back on Marlboros. Just when you think yer time is up, yer ole lady catches you in the middle a the night, guzzlin yer own lemon water. And I'll be a monkeys uncle, turns out covering yer mouth at night solves ya. Well aint no other genre what writes about a scenario as personally humbin as that. No other genre than country.

Just think, when you do drugs, you're seeing what Britney Spears sees ALL the time. I know, I know, how is my crazy person reference still Britney Spears? I'm not even old, I just act like I am. And then because I also look old, actual old people (like in their 30s, gross) make references toward me, assuming I'm their age. And then we have to have an awkward moment where I'm like "yeah I'm 24", which makes them feel bad because it reminds them that they're old and gross, and it makes me feel bad because it reminds me that I LOOK old and gross. What were we talking about?

"My gay son" was actually an unreleased episode of scrubs, where JD's infant son gets admitted to the hospital just absolutely covered in bruises. The other doctors start questioning him, but JD steps in like "Why are you questioning an infant, idiots? He's bruised because I beat him. The little f***** wanted to wear a PINK DRESS" and then they go through some hijinks, which ultimately end up teaching everyone a very important lesson about judgment and love, and the show ends with a heartfelt voiceover by JD, who has grown a lot in twenty minutes. The kid totally dies though, you can't really beat infants. But Turk does a funny dance, so you don't feel too sad about it

It's like 7 minutes in heaven, but less, and worse. You walk away from one with a story about how you kissed your cousin at a house party, and you walk away from the other with a story about how you got herpes from your cousin at a house party. Honestly, if you think about it, if you're gonna get an std, you may as well get it from your cousin. It's already gross, may as well lean into the skid and make being gross your identity. I mean that's what I did with being bald, and I only look up toupees like twice a week, so I'm clearly happy!

GETCHA HOT BABIES ERE. FRESH OFF THE TAINT. You can't enjoy a game without a delicious baby, that'd be crazy talk. Here at hot baby central we can give you a baby however you want it, as long as you want it HOT! Boiled, mashed, roasted, however you want em, we got em! I bet you that this psychotic rant doesn't get pulled from youtube, but if I called someone a -c u c k- I'd get banned instantly. You godless youtube moderators are ruining this country

When I finally end it all, my family will discover this podcast. And then it'll all make sense. They'll be like oh well he was clearly losing it for years. Fam, if you're reading this, yes I did just call you fam. Pretty lit innit? Wait that was half British. I can't even keep my slang dialects right. This is why I have to end it all. You guys get it, I'm sure you'd do the same if you were a middle aged podcast host with 3 divorces, no prospects, and no listeners. I mean I'm not most of those things, but if I was this decision would make a lot of sense right? Oh happy 50th episode to us by the way. It's been a long road, and we've managed to not travel very far along it, but congrats to us for existing on a long road I guess

Ay girl, can you tolerate gluten? Because I'd love to have bred with you. (Don't get the joke? That's okay, the teacher always liked spending extra time with you because you were her favorite huh? Try reading it out loud little buddy)

I had this fever dream one time. In it I was in my early 20s and bald. Even in my dream state that seemed like too ridiculous a premise. God doesn't hate anyone that much. Right? Someone tell me I'm pretty.

Jordan Peterson can suck it, our rooms are dirty and we're here to scold you for yours anyway. Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house? Why not? I'm not throwing them indoors. I'm going to visit you and then throw my stones there. In your normal house. A house that was constructed by someone who wasn't an absolute maniac, and didn't overuse a very fragile material in the construction of that house. Look. The point I'm trying to make is I had a bad childhood, and therefore it's my right to criticize you even though my life's a mess. You're welcome. I had a lot of coffee today.

Squad the fuck up, baby. We're like the daddy gang, but 10% less vapid, and a lot less interested in the mechanics of an expertly performed beej. Like I'd like it to be well done, but I don't need to know the details of how the sausage is made. Or suckled. That podcast definitely has a very distinct target audience. But then again, so does this one. But the difference is that our bad advice only affects like 2 people. Also, for the record, I haven't actually heard the podcast about how to do the gluck gluck 9000 or whatever, I just saw the description when I was looking for things to scoff at. So it could be great advice. But I've gotta say, I doubt it. Those two girls from call her daddy are WAY too hot to have ever needed to learn how to perform well in the bedroom. If you want advice on surviving a fight, you go to the guy who grew up on the street, not the guy who never needed to learn because he grew up in luxury. You wanna learn how to gluck gluck, find a homely chick who still gets dudes calling her back.

Seriously, have you ever listened to them speak? How can you have lived through so much yet be so uninteresting? To be clear, we're talking about your grandparents only right now. Mine are pretty chill. (They give me money sometimes, so I gotta play nice) But if your grandparents are stupid, what does that say about you? I know mitosis exists, or whatever, but all 4 are dumb? That's not a good sign for ya, champ. You might just be a dummy. Anyway, enjoy the show. Oh, almost forgot to mention, we're splitting each episode in half, so this is the first half of the show. You'll get the second later in the week. Now enjoy the show. And tell your grandparents I said they're stupid.

That's right, I was banned. Shunned. Ousted. From reddit. I do not know how I will recover from this grave injustice, other than maybe getting my life back. How am I going to get dating advice from incels, or look at funny pictures by incels, or read short stories written by incels? It's truly a travesty. I'm also realizing as I write this that I didn't mention this in the episode, so I guess you'll just have to guess how it happened. In your head-cannon, make me cool okay? Pretend I did something super sick. Enjoy the 'sode (See how I didn't say the first part of "episode"? That's that rebel attitude acting up again. Eat my nuts, english!)

I don't think we're very fair to Alabamans. Yeah it's fun to roast them for banging their sisters, because obviously that's super gross. But their only other options are other Alabamans. They're choosing between a turd sandwich and a tampon burrito, and we're really gonna judge them for choosing the turd sandwich? If anything we should pity them. We should have fundraisers and bake sales, we should get creative, start sending them mail order brides or something. They hate illegal immigrants, but maybe this would be a good way to fix that divide. Start shipping them hot Mexican chicks who just hopped over. The Alabamans get to swim in a different gene pool, (or I guess let their swimmers into a different gene pool) the ladies get citizenship. Win win!

Turns out my flail pp's a real frail pp But the ladies don't care, they wanna nail pp I don't hit the spot I demolish it Ladies see my deformity and all they say is, "Lit" So if you wanna get medieval with my male pp Then drop a dm, say "hail pp" I probably shouldn't've skipped english class. I might be a better rapper if I was more of a dork.

I know I'm just a podcast, but sometimes we wanna feel pretty too. So would you do me? I can tuck my meat between my legs and everything. It'll be tough, because I'm straight packing, but I'll do it, just for you, dear listener.

If you eat a poo, and then you poo it out, is it now poo squared? And then if you put it through a playdough thing to make it an actual square, is it now a squared poo squared? And then, if you eat that, poo it out, and then square that poo, is it a squared squared poo squared squared? And then, if you show that poo to a troubled teen, and say this is the food that they serve in prison, is that teen now squared straight?

That's MISTER Poopy Doopy to you, sir.

It's the boardroom at twitter HQ. Nobody is saying a word. Everyone is painted a pale, sickly white. No eye contact is made. Nobody wants to acknowledge what's about to come. Suddenly the room gets 10 degrees hotter. The door catches fire. It burns away. Musk walks in, slams his Elon-gated member on the table and says "INCREASE TWITTER AUTISM BY 200%. MY PEOPLE NEED REPRESENTATION" One executive meekly speaks up, "b-but sir, twitter is already the most autistic place on the plan-" "SILENCE! HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF 4CHAN? I WILL NOT BE OUTDONE" Musk summons a large drill, which tunnels into this old executive's chest. "OH I'm sorry, was I BORING you?" X Æ A-12 flies into the room like the stealth jet he was named after. His father grabs him by the cpu cooler and plugs him into the twitter mainframe. "HE WILL BE YOUR NEW OVERLORD. DO AS HE COMMANDS" X Æ A-12 clicks out a robotic victory screech. Alexa has nothing on this AI. Over the coming months, X Æ A-12 slowly assimilates all of humanity, we become an organic AI, greater than any individual human could ever aim to be. Out of our fleshy human bodies a spaceship is constructed, with which our new leader takes flight, lands on mars, and becomes king. The end.

Come check out my new twitch account over at DontActuallyClickThisLinkThisIsABit.twitch.com You can listen to the relaxing sounds of a man stepping on a lego, or a man getting his nuts stepped on by a woman, or a woman stepping on a lego that's stepping on a man's nuts. Such beautiful misery

Yeah I like slam poetry. And by that I mean I like to recite poetry to white women in stuffy coffee shops so that they'll let me slam my **** in their ***. I would like to apologize for my previous statement. It was gross and inappropriate and totally doesn't represent me. I would never participate in slam poetry.

Here's your shoutout bud. To anyone else reading this, if you also just had a baby, congrats to you too I guess. If you didn't, also congrats. Babies are a lot of work. Unless like you're really into poop or something. But if you're into poop it probably shouldn't be your baby's poop. I wonder, do you think people who are into scat play get turned off of scat play once they have a kid? Sort of like how a chick calling you daddy probably gets weird once you have a daughter who does the same? I digress, enjoy the episode or whatever I don't care

Let me tell you how I write these descriptions. We record an episode, name it, forget about it, and then months later I have to post it. Except at that point I have no memory of what the hell the episode's name was supposed to mean. So then I have to come up with something to say about it. And I'll be honest, on this one, I got nothing. Like, Stinky Pole Feet? What in the world is that supposed to mean. I swear, we're totally sober when we make these. Anyway, enjoy the episode. I'll be over here wondering where I went wrong in life. I was supposed to be a doctor, you know. Coulda done it too. But instead I'm here, having a public existential crisis that nobody even cares enough to witness.

You ever taste coffee so good you can't help but nut? Or see a girl so beautiful that you just nut? Or hear a song so good.. that you nut? No, just me? I'm the only one nutting all the time over little things? Well there's nothing wrong with me. My urologist says I'm beautiful just the way I am!

STEAK MODE ENGAGED. SWEAT RELEASED. INSTAGRAM OF MY GROSS BODY CREATED. These descriptions are getting weird, huh? I don't even know what I'm trying to say at this point.

I bet you think this is a reference to Ukraine. Well it isn't because that happened a whole month ago now, nobody cares about that anymore. We're on the next thing. Abortions, or Will Smith, or whatever. That's right, this description is a critique of our attention spans. I'm a real adept social commentator, I've noticed the fact that we can't keep our attention. Be impressed by my visionary commentary.

Listening to our show is like watching the news from 2009. I have no idea why you'd do it, but if you do I sure am grateful. See I believe that if you want success in life you can't do what everyone else does. Everyone else tries to be topical? Don't talk about things for a good six months. Everyone else makes good content? Make hot garbage. Everyone else is nice to their viewers? Disrespect all your idiot listeners. Go your own way. Be a man. Unless you're a woman I guess. In that case, become a man. It's more fun, we don't have periods or the ability to express our emotions