Losers, Pretenders & Scoundrels

John Romulus Brinkley became wealthy, famous, and powerful as one of America's most colorful, ludicrous quacks. He made his fortune by "curing" male impotence by sewing goat testicles into clients. As well as becoming a radio tycoon, politician, and more. 

What could you get away with if you looked the part? What if you're trying to trick a bunch of German soldiers with a sense of blind obedience? Wilhelm Voigt managed to commandeer a whole squad and take over a city hall long enough to grab a boatload of cash. Heaton and Young dive into how he did it.

Saparmurat Niyazov was a Soviet thug turned insane dictator of Turkmenistan. And as their leader he made sure to hit all the classics. Built a religion around himself, wiped out the free media and syphoned money away from his people. But what about his great ideas like...the ice palace in the desert. Or his beloved golden statue that turned to face the sun. Heaton and Young explore this insane dictator.

Maximillian I was the "other" Hapsburg son. The one who was born second and didn't get to be Emperor of Austria. But he thought he'd found the next best thing! Emperor of a country across an ocean who he had no common heritage or connection with. Unfortunately, the people of Mexico didn't agree. Heaton and Young explore this charismatic but ill-fated monarch.

Most of us have heard about the Ponzi Scheme. But what of the man who gave it his name? Charles Ponzi, was an Italian immigrant who never quite got on the right side of the law. But his greatest claim to fame was a tangled web of financial lies that almost brought down the Boston banking system. Unlicensed historians, Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young bring this fellow down to size.

Was Zorro real? You bet he was! Except he was Irish. And didn't wear a mask. And Probably couldn't carve a "Z" with his sword. And proclaimed himself king of Mexico.  But other than that, William Lamport is the spitting image of Zorro, who was actually based on him. Heaton and Young take a look at what gave this redhead the cahones to try to take the Mexican throne, and what stopped him.

In popular film Mary, Queen of Scots is lionized or victimized or both. However there's some good evidence she A) killed a lot of people and B) did some serious plotting. Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate

The best con man can sell you anything. A car, a boat, a Nigerian fortune. But what about a bridge connecting Manhattan to Brooklyn? Well, George C. Parker did it. And he kept doing it for forty years. Heaton and Young discuss the scant details we have on this swindler and what makes the Irish so damned charming.

The Pirate Life was a tough life for the most hardened of men in the 1700s. But what if you were a woman on the high seas? Zheng Yi Sao was just such a pirate, and arguably one of the most successful pirates in the history of lootin'. Heaton and Young explore her knack for negotiation and her rather non-traditional relationship with her...um...son?

Christina of Sweden was hard to categorize. Never a servant to gender rules or accepted behavior of monarchs, she only ever had a passing interest in even being on the throne. But she threw one helluva party and could drink you under the table. Heaton and Young break down what makes this on again off again monarch one of the most likeable characters in swedish history. 

What makes a good Pope? Certainly not the wisdom of youth. John XII and Benedict IX both found themselves wearing the white hat well before their maturity and managed to make the High See the height of sin and debauchery.  Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate these two holy(?) whippersnappers to see what made them tick.

Carlos II was terribly inbred! Horribly so. The most quantifiably overbred Hapsburg to date, he was *more* inbred than if a brother and sister married.   Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate this sad, sad king, and the greater issue of royal genetic overlap.

Samuel Palacci (c. 1550 - 1615) was a diplomat, merchant, pirate, and double agent. He worked in the employ of the Sultan of Morocco, then after obtaining a free trade agreement with the Dutch, began preying on Spanish galleons as a seafaring rabbanical pirate. Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young discuss this colorful character.

The eccentric Joshua Abraham Norton wound up proclaiming himself Emperor of the United States, and Protector of Mexico. While few people ever recognized him as a legit sovereign, he did get to become the beloved and unofficial mascot of San Francisco. Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate this colorful pretender.

Justinian II of the Byzantine Empire should have been disqualified from the crown after a usurper cut his nose off. But nope! He climbed back to power anyway over a hill of bloody corpses. Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate this dark, disfigured monarch.

Torquemada kicked off the Spanish Inquisition, which is regarded by many historians as "not very fun" for the people afflicted by it.  Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate the original "High Sparrow" of religious zealotry.

Claudius (10 BC to AD 54) was the unlikeliest of aspirants to the Roman imperium. He suffered from what was probably Cerebral Palsy, which effected his speech and movements, was reviled by his family, and spent much of his life gambling and womanizing.  Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate the longshot emperor.

No one knows what happened to the "Princes in the Tower." Presumably Richard III had them snuffed. Unfortunately for the English monarchy, decades later a charismatic pretender would claim to be the rightful king: Perkin Warbeck. Or, as he maintained, King Richard IV.  Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate the colorful pretender.

WTF is Krampus? How does a third-century bishop become the Arctic gift-giving character at the mall? What on Earth does he have to do with psychedelic mushrooms? Unlicensed historians Andrew Young and Andrew Heaton dig deep into Christmas mythology!

If William Augustus Bowles' plans had come true, the independent State of Muscogee would have separated Spanish Florida from American advancement, and Creek, Cherokee, and Seminole Indians would have united to form a powerful bloc.  Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young follow this colorful character, and consider how very differently the map of modern North America would look if he had succeeded.

William Armstrong Custer was a meteoric success. . . until he very much wasn't. Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young analyze the general's life, accomplishments, and failures.

Richard I of England (r. 1189 - 1199) is lionized in British history and modern film. But he was a *horrible* king, and an awful person.  Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young explore his abysmal track record. 

Victor Lustig is the Moses of conmen--he even wrote a "Ten Commandments for Conmen." While his scams are numerous and colorful, his most noteworthy escapade involved convincing French businessmen to buy the Eiffel Tower for scrap metal--twice. Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young explore the life and times of this Austrian bamboozler. 

We're on a mission to sort all of history's miscreants into three categories: failures, frauds, and rascals. Join unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton as they learn about all manner of colorful historical figures.