Stargatezing

It's an episode all about Daniel, with special guests: the friends in Daniel's head.

This episode brings up a lot of big questions about life, death, memory, AI, and, most importantly, where does SG-1 keep their hazmat gear?

Life lessons from SG1: Weakness is unacceptable. You may as well be dead. Don't share needles. Unless you've already shared a half-dead hagfish. Then it's okay. Sometimes you just need to die and then figure out how to be resurrected in order to find your true place in life.

Jack's clothes fit even worse than before when he's turned into a teenager again. Daniel gives false hope to a bunch of alien abductees. Kathy teaches us how to date a middle aged nerd.

Jack shoots a fan. Sam states the obvious. Daniel doesn't remember for NO GOOD REASON. Teal'c makes friends with Ba'aal. Jonas LEAVES. WAAAAHHH. 1.25 is better than 1, right? Stay here, Jonas Quinn!

We talk about bears and gardening and Star Wars. Also, Daniel is back. Yay?

Daniel, what is the point of you? We're not sure we'll ever know, but at least we get a tour of a bunch of different old sci-fi movies with this episode.

Jonas Quinn can predict what's for lunch! It's applesauce! No, wait, that's just Mr. Mot. They're actually having Mexican.

The SGC is shockingly bad at planning ahead in case things go wrong. For the record, assuming a standoffish alien will come save you is not a good contingency plan. At least most of the people on the planet they find are as oddly trusting as the SGC is.

Teal'c's in the hospital! He's a fireman! He has no tattoo! But then he does! He's a Jaffa! And he's in the SGC! And on a battlefield! Don't worry, T. Daniel will make it all better.

The SGC's lax security and SG1's tendency to blindly trust everyone they meet gets them in trouble. This description could also be applied to just about every other episode.

This is a boring and uneventful podcast description to match a boring and uneventful episode of Stargate SG1.

Why is everyone so wet? Can an eye on the back of your head and a three-fingered hand really be considered anatomical improvements? How great would it be to use your own eyes as flashlights? To reconstitute a liquified human, what percentage of the puddle needs to be put into a sarcophagus? Once again we're left with many questions and few answers.

All salad and no utopia make Maybourne something something...

When Jack is accused of fake murder, SG 3/4 must clear his name. Teal'c wins at life with stylish outfits, surprise cold cocking, and and the best interrogation skills. Don't worry, the government is totally not tracking you through your medication.

We all know that you have to suspend disbelief with sci-fi shows, but we draw the line at being asked to believe that an entire city could be put under full lockdown with no protests or consequences.

The Asgard have a bad idea to stop the replicators. When it doesn't work, they have another bad idea for how to fix it. SG1 knows it's a bad idea but then decides to help anyway. This is also a bad idea. This is then followed by a further series of bad ideas. But at least there's ice cream!

You will learn more about spam than you probably ever wanted to know and Kathy offers up free virtual hugs! There's also clacky keyboards, Sam doing some MacGyvering, and Teal'c doing some acrobatics. It's got a little something for everyone!

Pangolins try to sell SG-1 on the miracle of green coffee bean extract, but it turns out it's just Tok'ra goo from a Hagfish sack. Elsewhere, Jonas and Teal'c examine an ancient dick pic, Jack and Sam talk to a lot of people, and hagfish biology is whatever we want it to be. And don't forget, no one expects the wine clown.

Dogs make for some challenging podcasting. Kathy and Mary come up with some ways that gate technology can save the planet, while also tackling questions like "Can we ever really know we haven't killed someone in cold blood?" Finally, Martooth gets a replacement, although the new guy's teeth aren't nearly as glorious.

When SG-1 is kidnapped by Lord Zoolander, it's up to two bickering nerds to save the day.

Everybody on whatever Jonas's planet is called dangles boatloads of naquadria in the SGC's face in exchange for a little (or a lot) of defensive (or offensive) weaponry. Meanwhile, Jonas continues to make himself at home in Daniel's office, drinking water by the bucket.

It was a really interesting and high stakes episode! Or a really boring slog of an episode. It depends on which host you ask. But the one thing Mary and Kathy agree on is that implanting human or animal teeth into one's own mouth is disgusting.

Baby hagfish run amok while Jonas Quinn eats his way through small-town America. Don't worry, friends, the NID are all over it.

Mary's sick. SG1 is sick. The scientists in Antartica are sick. The rando they dug out of the ice is sick. Everyone's sick. Everything is the worst. But on the bright side, Dr. Fraiser's got a new transporter double!

Teal'c doles out the life advice that one should hold their breath for an excessively long time. Pwalter wears his glasses on his head. Teal'c also has concerns that Jonas wants to start an alien conspiracy. Davis delivers his lines from right on top of Jacob's shoulder. It's a weird episode.

Rodney ruins everything. Jonas Quinn can't lose. Jack is good at cake but bad at elevators. Anubis continues to be a rather feckless villain. And we finally learn how they got the gate into the mountain. But then the gate explodes. If only there was another one around somewhere.

Kathy wins the lottery but then claims to lose it so she doesn't have to share. Sam wears a blue uniform jacket. Jonas is stuck cleaning out all Daniel's crap bc the team doesn't want to do it yet again. Mary finally learns what her uncle was REALLY doing with his career. We also learn that Kathy's true purpose in life is simply to make Mary's existence just a little bit worse. And some other Stargate stuff happens too.

Just convenient plot devices all the way down.

Daniel still can't stop touching stuff. And for a bunch of macguffin reasons, it ends worse for him than usual this time.

Welcome to Latona! A wretched hive with one normal way in and one back way. Where we hide our most precious technology in an obvious pile of wood and Kathy's brother is actually a Jaffa!

Some people just never learn. LIKE THE ENTIRE SGC for example. Also we ask the important questions in life, such as, "Does Hammond wear tear-away pants?" And Kathy shares some good advice on life, like "Don't befriend people who clearly want to destroy you."

Never trust the orderly from "While You Were Sleeping" if he sends you on a suicide mission.

It's just "Armageddon" but with more Canadians.

Daniel continues to be bad at his job, the Tok'ra don't really understand geometry. Yet again, a person admits to loving Sam and then immediately dies.

Daniel's going on a covert op! What could go wrong? Remember Zipacna? Neither did we, but he's back. The Tokra are all wearing pants for once, but then they're caught with them down. Maybe that's why they don't like to wear pants.

Teal'c gets stuck in the transporter...er, um, stargate. Jack and Maybourne have an adventure. Sam gets saddled with a useless misogynist. Q gets arrested! Somehow Daniel is a better mediator than the actual mediator.

Somebody call Senator Kinsey! The SGC hatch budget is out of control!

The real deal O'Neill is stuck babysitting Marty again. Teal'c brushes up on his culinary skills. Sam continues to be bad ass, and in heels no less. Daniel...is also there.

Never take suppositories by IV and don't eat pizza from random doctors who are holding you captive. Also don't drink orange juice with your ham and cheese sandwich. That's gross. Only user 4574 does that. But do go ahead and put gummi bears in your beer. That's tasty.

a.k.a. The Curse of Sam Carter a.k.a. Everything's More Fun With Tribbles a.k.a. The Toilet Goes Both Ways a.k.a. Universe's Most Effective Smug-Face Competition a.k.a. Gym Scotch a.k.a. Heroic Scraps of Paper

Omoc's funeral is very small and sad. Probably because he was terrible. Turns out a lot of other Tollan are kinda terrible too (but for different reasons). Mary's apartment smells like rotten pumpkin. Schrodinger is fat and happy somewhere and definitely not dead. Special Guest Appearance: Kathy's Wind Chimes

Jack doesn't play well with others. Marduklarin was forced to play with others when he had to find a new host. Mary doesn't have time to play with others.

"The episode was boring. There was a lot of Unas speaking Unas language and Daniel haphazardly trying to translate and they were taken as slaves and then they got free the end." - Mary

We're starting to worry about the SGC. Hammond makes an especially bad decision and Dr. Frasier is really a pretty terrible doctor. On top of that, Daniel just can't stop touching stuff. On the bright side, Cassandra gets turned into an X-Man!

Sam plays with her food again. Jack gets mad again. Hammond wastes a MALP again. Teal'c waits outside again. The science is really bad again.

Today we talk all about anatomy and physiology exams, President John Tyler, industrial piercings, the red phone, phone operators, what acetylcholine does, and how Botox works. Also Q shows up again to menace SG 60%.

Don't be creepy, whether you're a human, a Q, or any other type of alien.

The moral of the story is "Never trust a smiley Jaffa."

SG ¾ (plus Jacob) tries to deal with an evil version of Teal'c, Apophis, a bunch of blasphemous jaffa, a replicator invasion, and a Magic 8 Ball whose only answer is “The universe says ‘maybe.'” It's just layers and layers of enemies and frenemies.

Life lessons from SG1: As soon as you get a new mother ship, people are gonna bug you to help them move. Also, spilling your whole plan to a villain who handily takes down three guards and tells everyone what you're doing will only lead to having to destroy a star.