Mandy Sucks Minute

bonus episode: to be played alongside the film because you weirdos might actually watch #mandy.

just as the final shot after the credits adds absolutely nothing to this movie, this episode will add absolutely nothing to this show. you have been warned. #mandy minute 121

picture, if you will, a podcaster who sees a light at the end of the (presumably red and very long) tunnel, but needs one last rant that includes a critique of screenwriting characters, of revenge plots, of our urges to fantasize about violence, and a review (sort of) of Rambo Last Blood. This is that rant, because the credits in #Mandy minute 120 are not interesting.

so let us look at some mistranslations of the plot description found online as the credits roll in #mandy minute 119. (the untranslated words seem to be welsh, by the way)

but first, a recap of the film so far. then the uselessness of there being two moons in the sky. then the alleged characters names. roll credits on #mandy minute 118

people call this movie original. call this final bit with the hero driving off on his own, all... well most of the bad guys dead behind him, one more original moment. #mandy minute 117

did they fall madly in perfect romantic love (as evidenced by absolutely no part of the first act of this film) because they both had the same stupid shirt? and they both smoked? and they both went to the same bar with panos cosmatos lighting? i guess relationships have been founded on less. #mandy minute 116

i mean, nothing happens, but that's because there's nothing left to happen. let's roll credits... #mandy minute 115

to be fair, maybe one of the three shots seems to be in focus, so i guess it's a simple enough cheat to pretend like you're doing something interesting. or you just really like fire. and silhouettes. #mandy minute 114

it's like this movie can't make up its mind (even this close to the end) to have things happen quickly or slowly. headcrush? at least a whole boring minute where we can't tell what's happening. lighter drops on floor where there's a head, a body, and a (presumably) concrete floor? that shit has to ignite into a massive blaze immediately, and spread down the LONG tunnel and up the ladder and ignite this stupid Midsommar temple before someone skins that tiger and wraps someone in it. #mandy minute 113

but when the movie's got a minute of andy maybe possibly crushing fishmouth's head (nevermind the lack of effort involved), and one more burst of stupid dialogue, your mind's gotta go someplace else. #mandy minute 112

linus roache is acting the crap out of this scene. too bad the lighting makes it so hard to see what he's doing. #mandy minute 111

really, this whole scene is just bad. why are they in a missile silo? if it's 1983, why is the silo empty? why is its blinking red light still powered if it's not in use? why is fishmouth in there? why is he wearing a diaper? why does andy talk like he's possessed? if he's possessed, why weren't the bikers actual demons instead of drugged-up bondage freaks? if lights exist, why didn't the production use some? etc. #mandy minute 110

it's the worst of everything. red light? check. darkness? check. blurriness? check. andy makes a stupid face? check. fishmouth acts bizarre? check. where the fuck are we? check. what just happened in between scenes that we really should have seen? check. #mandy minute 109? check.

this minute is just a bunch of buildup to nothing... that could be an alternate title for the film: A Bunch of Buildup to Nothing: The Andy and Airquotes Story. #mandy minute 108

if she had just stayed on the floor by the chair, i don't think andy would have even seen her in this lighting. i didn't. #mandy minute 107

seriously, he climbs down a ladder, he walks away from us, he walks toward us, he walks, he walks some more, and it's all red because reasons. shoulda made it all blue light to keep the audience awake. #mandy minute 106

i mean, i'm not religious, but this feels out of place here. andy's just being a dick, now, rather than just a murderer. and, that's just too much. #mandy minute 105

at least in 1983. if the company is even a real brand. guy falls onto something (a chainsaw, presumably) we can't see, blood spurts, and all i'm wondering is, shouldn't there be safety features that prevent just this kind of thing from happening? #mandy minute 104

this chainsaw fight ain't worth talking about. #mandy minute 103

if not for those idiots, this scene wouldn't exist. I blame them. #mandy minute 102

but i try, when the movie randomly puts on a mariachi song and i don't really want to get to the axe throwing stupidity, and really don't want to get into the chainsaw fight... #mandy minute 101

seriously, we finally get around to minute 100 and he's shoving his stupid "axe" through swiney todd into a tree. what did that tree ever do to andy? nothing. but, lumberjack sees a tree and he just can't help it. they've all gotta go. gotta serve galactus as best he can. down with old bald men, down with trees... and then turn on mariachi music for some reason. #mandy minute 100

I get it. You read Jung into shit. You've been to college, you think you know something. You know, same. But, two hours to figure out what Abraxas is? Was an hour and 50 minutes of that you trying to find a strong wi-fi signal, or are you just an idiot when it comes to online research? Whatever. Really. Back to normal tomorrow. #Mandy, so close to talking about Minute 100.

but, awful's gotta awful. #mandy, almost talking about minute 100

another childhood "story" from panos, and i'm not quite buying it. #mandy, not minute 100

but this childhood story from panos is interesting, at least. #mandy minute 100 (not really)

still, this score was one of his last, and panos did not make the best of it. nor did panos make the best of his own grief over the loss of his parents. nor do i, maybe, make the best of this film's faults. but sometimes you have to be awful. #mandy minute 100 (not so much)

still the vulture piece, but i get stuck on one sentence for a while, and reimagine the film as something more nuanced. #mandy minute 100 (sort of)

it ain't just me picking apart some article about the film, it's also an exploration of toxic masculinity and the justification of violence, and if you don't like it you can go to hell! #mandy minute 100 (sort of)

i might offer a cleverness point for andy stopping the van like this after getting the atv stuck in the mud, except 1) there was no reason for there to be mud, 2) it came out of nowhere and was stupid, 3) where did andy get these caltrops? did he go smith them really quick because he's obviously got time for that? 4) we don't fucking see the tires on the van get punctured anyway, and then 5) swiney todd has to go and say something stupid right after, which wraps it up in a tight little shit package. #mandy minute 99

you know what your hero needs right in the middle of the climax of the movie? a quick nap, even though we never even saw him stop walking. and, a conversation with an NPC that has nothing to do with the plot but just happens to know where the enemy can be found because... drugs let you know things you shouldn't be able to know; drugs are great, kids; they're wonderful; they will make you strong enough to crush a guy's head and they will make you want to crush a guy's head, because this movie can't even get its drug messages straight. this fucking movie. #mandy minute 98

but, you gotta have your lulls, right? the revenge plot, once it kicks in, can't just happen with nonstop energy; that would kill us all. so, you include the boring, the useless, the random tiger, the random cartoon, the random nic cage, and pretend it all flows wonderfully. it doesn't. #mandy minute 97

and panos et al for filming it. it's amateur hour at the atv stunt show so let's get some slow mo! #mandy minute 96

but hey, bugs of some sort, and this scene is obviously vital to the plot. it's good to pause from time to time and forego any momentum. #mandy minute 95

it's like that bear in midsommar. it's there and i want it to matter, i want it to do something, i want the plot to go someplace, for any of anything to make any damn sense and for characters to have depth (well, the characters in midsommar did okay on that one), and for filmmakers not to promise me #animalattacks and then have no fucking animal attacks. it's wrong. #mandy minute 94

a quick bonus because we mustn't neglect any of this film's stupid.

i've seen more expression in your classic cut-to-the-dog moments in so many movies. nic cage CAN act, he just mostly isn't bothering here, and it's a problem. he's probably just trying to compensate for the overacting in the bathroom earlier. #mandy minute 93

this scene is just another waste of time in a film full of wastes of time. the chemist serves no plot purpose, andy doesn't kill him, the stupid tiger as metaphor for andy's rage is mistimed because he has already killed four people so it's a little late to let the tiger out, and it's a waste of a tiger. andy should have let the tiger out, let it maul the chemist and get itself some drugs and go on a rampage and maybe it would matter that there's a tiger in this movie. as is, it might as well be stock footage. #mandy minute 92

but when every choice you make in production is the wrong one, inevitably, you will find a perfectly horrible thing to put on screen, and people in the audience will think it's awesome. well, some of the people in the audience. the awful people in the audience. i am not nice to those people in this episode. i am not nice to panos, or nic, or anyone else involved in making or enjoying this film. so, at this time, from the bottom of my heart, i would like to say, i fully support everything i said here and you all suck. #mandy minute 91

we're not quite to what is probably the stupidest thing in this movie--and given the amount of stupid in this movie, that's saying something--so let us relish this poorly lit buildup in which physics is thrown out the window, andy has forgotten how an axe works, and i'd rather talk about hellraiser and minecraft than what is on the screen. #mandy minute 90

it's interesting to edit these episodes a good while after recording them. in this one, it's like i'm ready to give up, never speak of this movie again because it just frustrates me to no end. but, i know now that i make it to the end, to minute 121 (and record more episodes than there are minutes), and live to tell the tale... no, i don't want to tell that tale. nor should any of you speak of this movie, and certainly don't watch it. #mandy minute 89

and in the world, sometimes. imagine this: this movie i don't even like gets me ranting about movies to the point of anger, sadness, palpable emotion because i take it personally, i guess, when a movie is not what it should/could be. or maybe i'm just an outrageous asshole. #mandy minute 88

for the record, i've never tried LSD. but i imagine that trying it would not be this fucking stupid. and welcome to the episode where i assume panos cosmatos is a dick and i declare myself one, too. it's fucking #mandy minute 87, and it sucks.

and so do panos' and... whatever the fuck the other writer is called--their choices in writing this, directing this. and my choices in talking about it. and yours for listening. what is wrong with you? is the world not fucked up enough that you have to listen to me complain about this pathetic excuse for filmmaking that far too many people think is amazing? or is there perhaps some serious exploration of horrible writing choices and plot convenience in this episode that every indie filmmaker needs to hear? am i falling into madness, or rising up into brilliance? does it matter? do you care? #mandymovie is still going to exist after i finish this podcast. morons are still going to love it... and some people who aren't morons. "normal" people. hell, intelligent people. useless fuckers who don't care when protagonists can suddenly smith nerd-fantasy axes, and have the time to do so when this is a fucking revenge movie... where was i going with this? who cares? it's #mandy minute 86.

i don't need to complain about how vegas can break a man's neck like an 80s action hero. later he's gonna crush a guy's head with his bare hands so he's obviously superstrong--just one of many secrets he keeps, like his smithing cave, his mysterious black friend who stores his crossbow for him, and his fantastic wit. poor editing makes it unclear exactly how he stabs otherface, so vegas has to snap his neck, 80s style. what else could he do? are they going to have a well-choreographed conflict where we can see what happens and it might actually matter what happens because either of these characters have actual names and motivations beyond simplistic revenge or drug-fueled murderousness (you decide which description fits which character as you please)? no, it's going to remain poorly lit, poorly edited, and vegas is going to be a superhero on some alien planet by the end of the film because that makes perfect sense. and we want all of our heroes to casually pick up shards of glass piled high with cocaine and breathe some in because that's normal, and useful, and entirely steeped in the deeply complex character history we've been given so far... wait. no. #mandy minute 85

nevermind the poorly shot fight on the floor and on the pieces of the broken coffee table, let's throw the character we just saw die--right? i mean, who can tell these cenobikes apart anyway, when they wear black clothing and apparently don't like lights or daytime? let's throw that presumed dead character, who was knocked into that pit that was... somewhere? maybe a garage. maybe a sauna. maybe a fucking boarded-up sunporch for all we can tell with your weak-ass lighting game. dead character, never had a gun before now; suddenly not dead, enter scene by shooting television, but at least that boring porn ain't playing there anymore. #silverlining and all this stupid for what? so andy can say something stupid about his shirt? his wife/sister/mother/roommate was just burned in front of him. maybe you're going for some sublimation crap but, come on, this is stupid. if he'd grunted like a hurt animal, it would have had more depth and meaning. just stop it. #mandy minute 84

not your normal, everyday problem, to be sure. but consider it like this: villain in S&M getup has a knife. how do we know this? we see it in his hand, we see him brandishing it as he approaches our stupid-shirted hero... except, that isn't what happens here. instead, there's a knife... somewhere. we get a nice closeup of it. but where is it? is someone holding it? is it glued to a wall? the floor? is it even in this room where our coked-up, leatherclad, nameless and disposable antagonist is about to face our slack-jawed, dumb-shirted, personality-lacking protagonist? or was that just a cutaway to some random knife for flavor? did footage arrive at the editing bay with random labels and someone just had to guess what was going on, or not going on? we're two thirds of the way in; what is happening should be far clearer than this. #mandy minute 83

we need context. you can't just have andy casually find two dead bodies, when there are no other characters in the film at all. maybe if you had introduced us to the nice old couple that lived down the way in an earlier scene--say, they were in line in front of susan at the convenience store where airquotes works--and they were lovely people and now we see them dead and we are horrified because, oh no, mr and mrs wilkes dies horrifically and they were great, and they made airquotes feel like an actual character who cared about other people beyond herself and about other things beyond dead starlings and stupid fantasy novels. give us some fucking context so it matters when things happen. we don't know whose house this is, we don't know who these people are, and as bored and pissed off as we should be this far into the movie, we shouldn't have to be bothered to try to care. maybe cut a couple minute from the andy-walks-down-a-tunnel sequence, or half an hour off of fishmouth's naked soliloquy, cut a few blurry shots of characters walking, cut a few shots of vehicles driving in the dark, cut that inane red fog, and make some room for characters we care about, even the old folks who live down the way and get raped to death by a (not-so-)demonic biker. #mandy minute 82

blurry shots and otherface walking back and forth--yeah, take your time with that. but, andy getting his hand un-nailed from the floor--you gotta rush the crap out of important stuff like that. and make sure he says something stupid, too. #mandy minute 81

nevermind the bad luck of crashing your truck on your first attempt at vengeance-fueled murder, nevermind the good luck that these drugged-up (nee supernatural) bikers took you alive rather than killing you on the spot, shouldn't something be happening now beside ridiculous notions of you having bad taste in shirts and you could use some therapy, possibly even from this plastic-faced... thing? no, you gotta slow the scene down, get a few CUT TO BLURRY shots in there, skip a few obvious INSERT SHOTs, and you definitely want to avoid an ESTABLISHING SHOT of where we are; you're probably still regretting that one time that you bothered with one of those... if i see another person quote the "favorite shirt" line online i might just have to scream out of nowhere like andy when he found his hand nailed to the floor. this scene is self-indulgent in both its lingering and its plot-shortening convenience. and it sucks. #mandy minute 80