6 Months or Less

When I set out to do this podcast, I wanted to find the answer to a question: What is it like to be facing the end? I wanted to hear the inspiring parts, the messy parts, and the mundane parts of living with a terminal illness. In this final episode, I reflect on what I've learned from these interviews and whether I'm any less afraid of death. Thank you again to the people I've interviewed. Your stories will live on. Music: “Promises” by Sergey Cheremisinov, “Touch of Ice” by Borrtex, “Desomorais” by Podington Bear, “Cedar Waxwing” by Chad Crouch, and “Perrenial” by Pictures of the Floating World

When I started this podcast, I soon realized that I was exploring death from three different vantage points: from the view of people with a terminal illness, from my own as a healthy person, and from the view of a child learning about death for the first time. My son started asking questions about death when he was two. At first, I didn't really know how to answer his questions. But now that he's almost five, our conversations about death are as natural as our conversations about detectives, rocket ships, and lunch. In the second-to-last episode, you'll hear me and my son Leon talk about death, his thoughts on an afterlife, and…Curious George. Music: “Barefoot” by Chad Crouch and “Miracles of Childhood” by Lobo Loco

What is a good death? And how can we talk about it in a way that honors a person's values but doesn't add pressure? In this episode, I talk with Dr. Annetta Mallon, an end-of-life consultant (or death doula), about the narrative of a “good death” and how she supports people when things don't go as planned. She also discusses helpful ways we can talk to kids about death. To learn more about Dr. Annetta Mallon and what she offers, check out her website: https://www.gdep.com.au/Music: “Grove Melody” by Chad Crouch, “Gravity” by Borrtex, and “Tracers” by Podington Bear

Imagine you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness and are consumed by feelings of hopelessness, fear, and depression. What if there was a treatment that could help? Research has shown that psilocybin-assisted therapy can significantly reduce the existential distress associated with dying. Psilocybin is currently in clinical trials for this use, but many terminally ill patients, like Erinn Baldeschwiler, either don't have access or time to wait. When Erinn and her palliative care doctor, Dr. Sunil Aggarwal, tried to access psilocybin outside of a clinical trial through Right to Try Laws, the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) denied their request. Together, Erinn, Dr. Aggarwal, and their lawyer Kathryn Tucker J.D. are suing the DEA for denying them access to psilocybin in a groundbreaking case that could potentially help many terminally ill people in the future. In this episode, I talk with Erinn Baldeschwiler, Dr. Sunil Aggarwal, and Kathryn Tucker about this pivotal lawsuit, how psilocybin-assisted therapy might really help people who are dying, and I ask Erinn questions about her terminal illness and what it means to her to be a part of this case. To learn more about Dr. Sunil Aggarwal and the AIMS Institute, go here.To learn more about Kathryn Tucker, J.D. and Emerge Law Group, go here.Music: “Pale Tussuck” and “A Thousand Stars” by Pictures of the Floating World, “Brad PKL” by Blue Dot Sessions, and “Cove” by Chad Crouch

When 16-year-old Dylan Lawrence was diagnosed with a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma, the deadliest childhood brain tumor, he said, “I don't want my life to be pointless.” I was planning on interviewing Dylan for this podcast, but unfortunately he got too sick and died several weeks after our scheduled interview. But I still wanted to somehow capture who Dylan was. So Dylan's “bonus mom” Susan Lawrence and I decided that we would carry his voice after his death through hers. In this episode, you're going to hear a lot about who Dylan was as person, how Susan and Dylan talked about his terminal illness, and about how even in the midst of darkness, Susan was able to feel gratitude. Susan also talks in detail about Dylan's death, and about the trauma of witnessing Dylan's struggle to die. This episode is heavy at times, but if you're up for it, you can help hold a space for the unimaginable: losing a child. If you would like to learn more about Dylan and Susan, you can check out their Facebook page: Dreams For Dylan. Music: “Surface Tension 3” by Podington Bear, “Thank You for Everything” by Alan Spiljak, and “Memories” by Pictures of the Floating World”.

After being cancer free for several years, Andrea “Mimi” Ankerholz found out that her breast cancer had come back and had spread to her bones. It was terminal. Her oncologist told her she had six to twelve months to live without treatment and maybe a little longer with treatment. After feeling like a “complete mess” while on radiation and hormone therapy, Mimi decided to discontinue active cancer treatment and instead began to explore Colorado’s End-of-Life Options Act. In this episode, you will hear more about medical aid in dying and why it’s so important to Mimi to have the option to choose how she dies.While public opinion polls show that the majority of Americans support medical aid in dying, the issue remains controversial. I want to be clear that this episode is not about the debate itself. It’s about one woman’s story.Music: “Springtime” and “Constellation” by Podington Bear, “Dolly and Pad” by Blue Dot Sessions, and “Ice Skating” by BorrtexA big thank you to Mimi Ankerholz for opening up and sharing her personal story with us.

When Dave Warnock was diagnosed with ALS several years ago, he quit his job, moved in with some friends, and decided to start seizing the moments he had left. Prior to his diagnosis, Dave was no stranger to big life transitions. After decades as an evangelical pastor, he gave up his faith and became an atheist. Now he devotes his time to speaking to groups about living and dying as an atheist, a movement he calls “Dying Out Loud.” To learn more about Dave and his Dying Out Loud work, check out his website at daveoutloud.com. Thank you Dave for the fascinating conversation and for reminding us to seize moments with gusto! Music: “Forces” by Podington Bear and “Etude No. 01_18 Years” by BorrtexNote: This interview was recorded in February of 2021.

Do you ever find yourself not knowing what to say to someone with a terminal illness? Maybe you want to show your support but fear you might say the wrong thing. These conversations can be tricky to have, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to figure out how to have them. People I have interviewed from previous episodes, including Clair Fisher, Adam Hayden, Jennifer Dunn, and Glenn Buckland, share their perspectives on what is helpful and what is unhelpful. Perhaps their insights can help make these conversations a little easier for everyone. Thank you so much to Clair, Adam, Jennifer, and Glenn for sharing your insights! Music: “Bombadore” and “Warm Fingers” by Blue Dot Sessions and “Sweet and Clean” by Podington Bear

While Clair Fisher was on a work trip to the Cayman Islands a couple years ago, she had to fly to Florida for an emergency surgery. She would soon learn that the cause of her pain was advanced cancer. Clair now spends her time focusing on how she can live and die well. As part of what she calls her retirement project, Clair is advocating for early intervention to hospice, the importance of work during a terminal illness, and breaking down the taboos of talking about death and dying. To learn more about Clair, you can also check out her blog: https://www.dyingwell.uk/ Music: “Cycles” and “Bogong” by Pictures of the Floating World

It’s been a while since I posted an episode, so I wanted to do a quick check-in. What an overwhelming year, to say the least. As this year finally comes to a close, I’ve been finding a lot of joy in watching my kids enjoy the magic of Christmas. Things are getting tricky though with my son’s questions about Santa. Spoiler alert: He wonders whether Santa ever dies.Music: “Basketliner” by Blue Dot Sessions

When my four-year-old son started asking me questions about our neighbor who was in hospice, I realized I was having a difficult time answering his questions about when our neighbor might die. This got me thinking: Can any of us accurately predict when someone might die? So I decided to reach out to Dr. Michael Fratkin, a palliative care doctor and founder of Resolution Care. In this episode, you will hear our conversation about prognosis and the mystery behind trying to guess how the future will unfold. You will also hear parts of my conversation with my wonderful son about our neighbor.Thank you to Dr. Michael Fratkin for the thought-provoking conversation and to my amazing son for always keeping me on my toes.Music: “Mother’s Hands” by Sergey Cheremisinov, “Our Fingers Cold” by Blue Dot Sessions, and “Spring Memories” by Alan Spiljak

After experiencing troubling symptoms for years, Jennifer Dunn refused to leave the emergency room until she had a CT scan. The scan and a subsequent biopsy revealed terminal colon cancer. Jen, a 41-year-old mom, shares how she started to think of her experience with cancer in trimesters. She would spend her first year pursuing aggressive treatment. Her second year, which is this year, would be all about her bucket list. Her third year would likely be hospice. Little did she know that in her second year there would be a global pandemic, forcing her to shred her bucket list. We’ll hear how she’s coped with having to give up her dreams and plans, and how she explains all of this to her young daughter.A big thanks to Dr. Michael Fratkin at Resolution Care for connecting me with Jen. She describes Dr. Fratkin and his team as “essential and comforting guides at each new scary step” of her experience.Music: “Hardwood Lullaby”, “Blue Jay”, and “These Times” by Blue Dot Sessions, “Negentropy” by Chad Crouch, and “Winter Walk” by Podington Bear

When Adam Hayden was 34 years old, he had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a baseball from his parietal lobe, the area of the brain responsible for motor control, sensory input, and spatial reasoning. During this procedure, Adam was not only awake, but he had to make a life-defining decision: Would he rather the surgeon stop the procedure after removing as much of the tumor as safely possible, or would he rather the surgeon remove additional tumor but risk permanent paralysis to the left side of his body? In this episode, you will get to hear what Adam decided. You will also hear how Adam’s upbringing and his philosophy background have influenced the way he chooses to live with his terminal brain cancer.Thank you so much to Adam Hayden for sharing your story, and for reminding us to “face fear with familiarity.”To learn more about Adam, you can check out his blog: GlioblastologyMusic: “Out of the Skies, Under the Earth” by Chris Zabriskie, “Gratitude” by Borrtex, and “On The Clock” by Pictures of the Floating World

During these unprecedented times, I find myself experiencing waves of emotions. How about you? How are you coping? In this episode, I reflect with my husband about the pandemic and the lives lost, what it’s like to talk to our son about death, and how to find balance.Music: “Walking Down the Street” and “Our Home” by BorrtexAs always, thank you to my wonderful children for bringing so much joy to my life, and to my husband Eric for the deep love we share for each other.

Being human is pretty great. Our brains are large and sophisticated, which allows us to think and do things in ways that other animals cannot. With this intelligence, however, comes an existential burden: an awareness of our own mortality. In this episode, I interview social psychologist Sheldon Solomon. Sheldon Solomon is Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College in New York. He studies the effects of death awareness on human thoughts, feelings, and behavior. He, along with his colleagues Jeff Greenberg and Tom Pyszczynski, developed terror management theory, which posits that our awareness of our own mortality affects our daily lives in profound ways. You can read more about terror management theory in their book, The Worm at the Core: On The Role of Death in Life. You will also hear parts of a conversation with my three-year-old son as he realizes for the first time that he too is mortal.Music: “Glitter” and “Wavy Glass” by Podington Bear and “Come As You Were” by Blue Dot SessionsThank you so much to Sheldon Solomon for decades of groundbreaking research and for the eye-opening conversation.And thank you to my beautiful son for your sensitivity, your curiosity, and your depth.

In 1926, a 16-year-old girl was told that she was going to give birth to a stillborn. That baby was Manuel Antonio Santaella, and to everyone’s amazement, he was born alive. This was just the beginning of Manuel’s many brushes with death throughout his life. Hear how these experiences have shaped Manuel’s gratitude for life, as well as his relationship with death.Music: “Peaceful Morning” by Lobo Loco, “Snow Day” by Pictures of The Floating World, and “Stars Above” by Alan SpiljakThank you so much to Manuel for sharing your truth with us, and your joy. And thank you to Dr. Michael Fratkin of Resolution Care for connecting me with Manuel, and for all that you do for your patients.You can learn more about Resolution Care and all the amazing work Dr. Fratkin and his colleagues do here: https://www.resolutioncare.com/

We know that for some people, the Coronavirus may start off as a fever and a mild cough and within days the person may be rushed to the hospital, struggling to breathe. If this were to happen to someone you love, would you know what kind of care they would want? While most of us do not have a lot of practice having conversations about end-of-life wishes, we can use this pandemic as an opportunity to have these conversations with the people we love. In doing so, we can also learn about what matters most in their life.In this episode, I interview Dr. Sunita Puri about how to best have these conversations. Dr. Puri is the Medical Director of the Palliative Medicine Service at Keck Hospital and Norris Cancer Center of the University of Southern California, where she also serves as Chair of the Ethics Committee. Sunita is the author of That Good Night: Life and Medicine in the Eleventh Hour, a critically acclaimed literary memoir examining her journey to the practice of palliative medicine, and her quest to help patients and families redefine what it means to live and die well in the face of serious illness. Sunita received writing residencies at the MacDowell Colony, UCross Foundation, and Mesa Refuge, and was a finalist for the PEN Center's Emerging Voices Writing Fellowship. The recipient of a Rhodes Scholarship, her writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, Slate, and the Journal of the American Medical Association.You will also hear parts of a difficult but heartfelt conversation I had with my mom about her end-of-life care wishes if she were to get seriously sick from the Coronavirus.Thanks so much to my mom for teaching me to always ask the big questions in life and for letting me share our conversation. And thanks to Dr. Puri for her wisdom and compassion.Here is Dr. Puri’s New York Times article that I mention in the episode: It's Time to Talk About DeathMusic: “Meeting Emma” and “Sun” by Borrtex

While partying in Mexico for his 55th birthday, Glenn Buckland knew something was wrong. He was someone who was usually full of energy, ready to dance late into the night, but instead he wanted to sit and rest for most of the trip. Unfortunately, no amount of resting made him feel better.After returning home to New Mexico, his wife urged him to go to the hospital. It was there that he learned that he had plasma cell leukemia, a rare and terminal cancer. While many of us might find this news devastating, Glenn approached it with wonderment and curiosity. How does someone get to this place?In this episode, you will learn how Glenn’s spiritual path helped him get to a place where he views death as perfectly safe and something that can be celebrated. Thank you so much to Glenn for sharing your story with us.Music: “Sage the Hunter” and “Low Coal Camper” by Blue Dot Sessions and “Canada” by Pictures of The Floating World

In this episode, I explore why it is so hard for most of us to talk about death and dying. I’ll take you through the birth of my daughter and the beauty of being born without a concept of death to conversations with my older child about death and dying to responses from a variety of people answering this very question. You will hear from a doctor, a medical ethicist, social workers, as well as family, friends, and old coworkers. Thank you to all for opening up and sharing your thoughts. I especially want to thank my son for his uninhibited curiosity and willingness to explore topics that are important but that can be uncomfortable for some of us to talk about. Music: “Betty Dear” by Blue Dot Sessions and “Stronger” and “Sun” by Alan Spiljak

As you have heard from my last several episodes, it has not been easy to find someone to interview for this podcast. I’ve tried a variety of ways to reach out to people and I’m finding that I have more to learn about how we as a culture talk (or don’t talk) about death. While I started to feel like maybe this podcast would come to end before it even really started, my friend Kendra called and told me that her grandfather was given around 6 months to live and she thought he would be a good person to interview for this podcast. The conversation in this episode will surprise you. My heart goes out to the Low and Magraw family. Music: “A Little Sympathy” by Lee Rosevere and “Horses” by Pictures of The Floating WorldNote: This episode was recorded prior to the global outbreak of the Coronavirus. I’m thinking about all the people affected by this, and especially the people who are having to die alone because of it. My heart goes out to you.

Since the last episode, I have had a lot of ups and downs about this project. I’ve questioned myself, and have discovered that finding people to interview isn’t as easy as I had originally thought. Join me as I explore my process in finding people, and also hear an interview with my friend and old coworker, Lisa Stewart. She is the manager of a hospice in Seattle and the surrounding area, and has a lot of thoughtful insights about people nearing the end of their life. And, thank you so much to Lisa for also sharing your personal experience of your mother dying.Music: "Silver Hatch" and "Naptime" by Blue Dot Sessions and "Indian Paintbrush" by Podington Bear

Before I interview people with a prognosis of six months or less, I want to better understand why I’m drawn to death and dying. I sit down with my parents and interview them about why they think I want to explore a topic that so many of us want to avoid. They share their thoughts about my temperament and my previous history with severe asthma, but they also turn the question around on me. And thank you to my parents for your openness and for always encouraging me to ask the hard questions. Music: “Threshold” and “Pounded Piano” by Podington Bear

In this introductory episode, my son gives voice to his natural curiosity about death, and I share my own motivation for starting this podcast.6 Months or Less will explore the thoughts and feelings of people who are nearing the end of their life. It hopes to shed light on a natural process that is often couched in euphemisms and medical jargon, that is hidden from view in hospital corridors, or is simply not discussed. And yet death is the one thing that we will all go through.Music: “Silent Flock” by Blue Dot Sessions.