EVERY YOUTH MATTERS With Dr. John Tan

I feel happy as I've completed another milestone of leaving a legacy through my podcasts. It may have been done during a challenging time but looking back, it got done. I encourage all who want to have stories and messages heard, and amplified, to get on Instant Podcast Leader!

Season 2 has seen me dive deeper into issues like mental health, self-harm and misbehaviours. I have raised the importance of us as adults, parents and educators to look in and practice self-care before we look out for others.It's been a great journey and I hope that what I have shared will be of help to those who want to be of help to children and youths. 

Rudeness is typically not a natural behaviour. Children and youths who are rude have learned such behaviour through their social circles. Rudeness has to be addressed without rejecting the person per se.We have to reassure the rude person that it is their rudeness we can't condone and not themselves. 

Some children and youths are quick to make promises but don't keep them. It could be they are seeking acceptance without first realising the responsibility. We have to help and even hand-hold those who may require help in understanding responsibility and show them how to keep to promises. 

Some youths who lie do so to avoid certain consequences that frighten them. It could be that they perceive they can't get what they want. We have to reassure those who lie that they are not rejected as persons; only their behaviour is not acceptable. 

Some youths may display an air of indifference to hide their insecurities. Yet they could actually be saying, "I don't want to get hurt." We need to acknowledge the fears and insecurities in some children and provide them reassurance. 

Some children and youths gripe because they want to avoid responsibility. Others do so because they have fear. An attitude of gratitude is a good antidote to griping. We need to help those who gripe by expanding their perspectives beyond themselves. 

Those who like to clown around may be naturally humourous. They need to learn what and when is appropriate. We can appreciate the humourous ones while at the same time helping them direct their self-awareness. 

Some children behave like perfect and innocent beings so as to receive favour. In manipulating feelings, they learn to exert power and control. We must both tell and assure children that we will be there for them. 

Anger is a strong emotion - often for our protection. Children who are angry all the time often lack the feeling of safety. Yet they need to learn to exercise healthy restraint. We must soothe the ruffled feelings of fear in youths who are constantly angry. 

Attention seekers fear being isolated and rejected. They need to know and feel accepted but yet redirect their misbehaviours. We should not dismiss the attention seeker but instead firmly direct and affirm them. 

Agitators have a need for exerting power behind the scenes. They need assurance and fear rejection. We can help youths by reassuring them of our acceptance and yet need to provide boundaries. 

The four steps are:1. Identify the behaviour2. Understand the effect of the behaviour3. Identify the cause of the behaviour4. Avoid common mistakes Having a systematic way to handle misbehaviours is a helpful process. 

Some children and youths believe that if they don't try, they won't fail. They give up because they don't want to be hurt more. We need to encourage those feeling a sense of despair with assurance that they can still succeed, step by step. 

Hurt youths hurt others. Sometimes they are mean to others in order to feel they matter. Hurt children and youths need to be soothed and reassured that they are being heard. 

The need for power and autonomy is a basic one. Youths need to feel that they matter and that what they do matters too. Concerned and caring adults must empower children and youths through appropriate avenues. 

Attention-seeking behaviour is a common drive. Sometimes youths lacking in attention act up or act out in order to get it. Providing appropriate attention to children and youths can reassure them they are ok. 

Most humans seek belonging and hence social behaviour is often purposeful. Misbehaviour then results from a mistaken assumption of fulfiling that need. Basic drives are for attention, power, revenge and a sense of helplessness. We must look beyond the external behaviours and into hidden causes in order to redirect misbehaviours. 

Our calmness helps soothe ruffled feelings in youths. We need to practice self-care first before we can tend to others with calmness.  Our calmness helps to diffuse and defuse youth misbehaviours. 

It starts with me but it is not about me. Don't take it personally because many times misbehaviours exhibited by youths are not directed as us per se, although it may seem so. We have to question ourselves why we want to handle such misbehaviours too. An awareness of our own strengths, needs, and motives is the starting point for handling youth misbehaviours. 

Adults need to be mindful of the environment, values, and skills imparted to children and youths. Resilience often comes from a combination of factors and need to be provided and taught.Children and youths need supportive resources and environments to build resilience. 

There are three pairs of powerful words that can lead to building resilience:I have. I am. I can.Fostering resilience in children and youths begin with the focused intention of informed adults. 

It is normal to expect that learning something can be tough. It is also normal to expect that anything worth doing requires effort. Thus, success is often found when we persevere. Youths need to learn that success is often found "around the bend." It's there waiting for us only if we search for it. 

There are three secrets to success:1. Find the right way2. Put in the effort3. Persevere and don't give upAdults should encourage youths to persevere in their effort to discover the right ways to doing things. 

Youths have to move away from fixed mindsets. Adults have to encourage youths that their capacity to learn should not be finite.Don't praise kids they are smart - neither tell them they are dumb.  Adults should encourage youths to steer from fixed mindsets. 

Youths need to be challenged so that they can experience growth and development. Allow for appropriate and increasing amounts of independence, freedom, and opportunities for exploration.Adults can help youths develop when they stretch them beyond their comfort zones. 

Rehearsing and practicing positive behaviour is a protective tool. Practice makes permanence as it helps wire positive brain pathways. It is preferred that mistakes be made earlier, during practice, rather than in real challenging situations.Youths can be primed and prepared to practice positive behaviour before they are confronted with negative situations. 

Respect has to be earned and not automatically expected by adults of youths.Treating youths with regard provides them a space to negotiate and learn how to discuss things important to them.When adults treat youths with respect, it helps to send the message that they are trusted. 

We must apply active listening. Pay attention to not only what youths say but when they say it. Listen to their cues and inner pains, fears, and aspirations.Adults have to listen in a way that helps youths talk. In that way, they feel safe and better supported. 

Contrary to some common beliefs, teenagers require and appreciate the help of trusted responsible adults.Adults need to be there for youths to form a safe, dependable, anchoring presence in their lives. 

When people experience symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder they can feel self-conscious and inadequate. They can feel like everyone is judging them and thus begin to withdraw from social interactions. They may even feel guilty for such avoidance thus start to feel bad about themselves.Journeying, without judgement, with the person with Social Anxiety Disorder is a must. 

Social Anxiety Disorder is much more than being feeling painfully shy. A person with Social Anxiety has an intense fear of social situations. Often they become increasingly alone as they spiral in isolation. Like responding to other mental illnesses, it is very important that helpers and caregivers understand the disease and empathise with sufferers. 

Youths with ADHD find great difficulty staying focused or concentrating. They get distracted very easily. It takes lots of patience being able to help those with ADHD. Having a good support system is essential for a person with ADHD, particularly people who can journey with them through treatment and therapy. 

In ADHD, the brain’s thinking, feeling, perceiving/sensing, and behaving mechanisms are not working the way they should. This makes it hard to focus, remember, plan ahead, or think things through before you act. And because your perceiving/sensing mechanisms aren’t working properly, you might be paying way more attention to the things going on around you than you need to.We need to understand why youths with ADHD tend to find it hard to remain focused on task. 

The teenage brain is still under construction. It needs to be protected and understood. Being under construction, it is still malleable.As adults, we must appreciate that the teenage brain is under construction and hence we have to exercise patience and informed care. 

Journeying with a youth struggling with depression is a very important aspect of his or her recovery.When providing support to youths suffering from depression, we also need to look after ourselves. 

Everyone has bad days and that is normal. Depression is a clinical condition where prolonged mood of bad days is present. Differentiating depression from bad days is important in being of support to those suffering from depression. 

Depression is a common enough issue with youths. It may be affected by genetics, stress, and even ailments We need to understand what depression is in order to combat both the stigma and misunderstandings associated with it. 

The human brain has six different but completely linked functions. When one function does not work properly it affects the whole brain and thus the life of the person. An understanding of the brain helps us to understand how to support youths with mental disorders. 

Stressors during adolescence are typical and to be expected. What makes the difference is when disorders become the order of the day in young people. Those who struggle with mental disorders need the support of informed people who care. We need to arm ourselves with the knowledge of what mental health and disorders are. 

Removing stigma of mental health is important because of two reasons: 1. Many mental health disorders in adults begin in adolescence and we thus need to nip them in the bud2. We want to encourage help-seeking behaviour by assuring people it's ok to talk about mental disordersLet's not shy away from talking with and to youths about mental health and disorders. 

The aspects of depression, anorexia, self-harm and suicide are really troubling ones. What messages must concerned and caring adults give to counter these negative themes?Bear in mind that we are both the messenger and message. As concerned and caring adults, we need to present consistent actions and words in order to be messengers of hope to troubled youths, 

I explain why it seems so hard to understand troubled youths

I share practical ways to provide support and safety to youths who self-harm

I discuss the topic of self-harming or self-injurious behaviour among youths.

I touch on how we can spot the red flags or warning signs of mental distress.

I share how parents and adults can provide support to youths with suicidal thoughts.

I present how to look out for the loss behind the pain felt by people in distress.

I discuss how and why we should hear the story driving a person with thoughts of suicide.

I show how asking about suicide directly is actually a helpful behaviour.

I talk about how asking a simple question can help to disarm distress.