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“Any understanding of this nation has to be based, and I mean really based, on an understanding of [Big Willie Style]. I believe that firmly. It defined us.” - Shelby Foote

What do you get for winning "The Oregon Trail"?

We're back with a super-sized episode. All ideas copyrighted by someone.

Are you sure this isn't a play?

Y'all gonna have McDonalds at this here wedding or am I gunna have to bring mah own?

We can go very, very low.

I remember when Mark Prior had both arms.

Is there such a thing?

Come bust a move where the games are played.

I'll cut that out of the recording.

You ever see a sea monkey that's been alive for a really long time?

No shownotes this week for reasons unexplained and unexplainable.

Shownotes withheld until Mayor Lee grants us our permits.

Shownotes cancelled on account of breakfast.

Shownotes being held hostage until someone pays up.

The Question: Who you got, Jack Warden or Butterbean?

The Question: Do you know what love is?! Do you?!??1!?

The Question: Does Sinbad play the president?

You'd better get your heart rate down.

Henry Kissinger negotiated SALT I. Henry Kissinger for Breez.

The Question: You bet all your earnings against the Harlem Globetrotters?

Fun fact: There were 9,505 Good Old Days.

The Question: Wot wot wot?! Well, we have some suggestions.

Attention, American parents! Your children, upon whom you will depend heavily for financial support as you enter your winter years, are suffering from a dangerous, highly communicable and infectious disease: Lollygagger Syndrome! Fortunately, we've got the cure. And by cure, we mean camp. And by camp, we mean camp less in the 1960s Batman sense and more in the Cultural Revolution sense. Don't worry: you trust us. We can help.

The Ernest Centipede.

Push the button, Frank. Jonny QuestPush For PizzaASLGulagEULARegis PhilbinJohnny KnoxvilleFuneral HomeSam ElliotAlways Be ClosingLes Enfants Terrible

​It's Too Fun to Fail!™

There's a brand new dance, but I don't know its name, that people from bad homes do again and again. It's big and it's bland, full of tension and fear. They do it over there but we don't do it here. Fashion. Turn to the left. Fashion. Turn to the right. Oooooo ahh. FASHION. We are the goon squad and we're coming to town. Beep beep.

The Question: Am I Charlemagne?Here at ScornCo, we believe that The Children are our future. But what kind of future will The Children be? Will they be the horrible dystopian future we saw in such Paul Verhoven films as Starship Troopers or the bright and shining future we saw in such Paul Verhoven films as Total Recall? The future of tomorrow will depend on what the parents of today do today for our future, The Children. And there's no better way to secure The Children than chipping them at birth. That's the American way!So come along as we establish a powerful new advertising channel and use existing infrastructure to solve the mobile payments dilemma. Worst case scenario: we sell to Google.ShownotesMarvin calls ChuckMarvin sucks at trunksStewart Copeland Dr. SpockNo DiceCharlemagneCoke is betterBullyingHired goons?The rise of the nerd in societyThe Helsinki SyndromeSlugging Biff

In this episode, we solve all of America's infrastructure, self-esteem, and carnival unemployment problems. Stefan also fails to see the difference between railroads and rollercoaster, while Nick teaches us how to extend a one-note franchise into perpetuity.

Certainty is a tough thing to come by these days. It can be comforting to know that there are certain things that are always going to be true. That's what we're offering at the Institute for the Investigation of Fundamental Truths. We're offering the comforting knowledge that no matter what The Media or The Government may tell you, 1+1 still equals 2. All for the low low price of $9.99 a month.

The Question: Why would the IRS let this happen? You step into the bar. Confident, you exude animal magnetism from every pore. "Yakety Sax" hits the loudspeakers, you do a couple of laps, doff your cap, and head for the exit. Championship! This week, we invite you to join the Keeper League, assuming you're willing to abide by the terms and conditions laid out in your dating agreement. Hey, we've got a gambling ring - sorry, a business to run. If you don't shape up and fly straight, you're getting traded to the Mets.

The Question: Where do gummi bears come from? This week, we bring back the automat with an ursine twist. We're doing a soft open, because hard openings are too hard. So save the date, put it on your favorite Non-Euclidian calendar, and get ready to enjoy the finest gummi bears you can get outside of Papa New Gummi.

The Question: How do you keep a man buried under a mountain relatively alive? You are cordially invited to that solitary government-owned mountain the middle of the New Mexico for the groundbreak ceremony for the New Southwest Research Prison/University of Phoenix satellite campus. Dress: Business Casual. This week, we set up a new subeterranean Bell Labs, exploit the Dads vertical, and solve the energy crisis.

The Question: How do you launch star of stage and screen Jack Warden across the room with a flick of the finger? There are Secretaries of State who are Henry Kissinger and there are Secretaries of State who AREN'T Henry Kissinger. Which kind are you? This week, Nick develops a system for relative-proofing your home and Stefan launches his sure-to-be smash-hit *The Camp David Accords: The Musical!* on Broadway, starring Eric Stoltz as Jimmy Carter.

The Question: Do you not have Refrigerator Pedestrian Insurance? Look, let's get real here. What we're talking about isn't a Ponzi Scheme. It's like a Ponzi Scheme, but you know, a lot of things are like Ponzi Schemes. You can't be picky about these things. In this episode, we break Silvio Berlusconi out of prison.

Look, we're realistic. You can't get things right every time. We know you tried really hard. We know you put a lot of thought into it. We know you care. But we really, really didn't need another set of multipurpose hooks. This week, we explore the possibilities inherent in holiday arbitration and recall the well-known legend of St. Vesuvius. Happy Tet, everyone!

Pilot season! Who doesn't love pilot season? Lots of things appear suddenly, touch you in all the right or wrong places, and that wink out of existence, leaving behind only a vague sense that something went very wrong. Or very right. In this, our pilot episode, we introduce you to the Fjördcliffs; develop a viable plan for artisinally cracking your iPhone screen; explore possible silent movie/prog rock mashups; and explore the ramifications of living with Babe Ruth's Disease.