Caleb Can't Read

Send us a textTW: Dead kids;We're finally here, to the ending legacy of Lord Byron!  Fraught with love affairs, well-meaning missions, and neglected children-- Lord Byron is truly one of the biggest piles of shit we've covered on this show.  And that's saying something.  Join us as we follow our club-footed companion through his dangerous affairs in Italy... and his untimely death in Greece!Also, bonus announcement in the back of this episode.  We're not done, just delayed!  See you next time!

Send us a textTW: Incest, Pedophilia, Rape, Suicide;  Well I'm sure you can tell from the trigger warnings, but the second part of our three-part series on Lord Byron has arrived!  Find what happens when a man with questionable morals gets a shitload of cash and spends even more on credit, all while gaining a steady amount of fame for his epic work, "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage"!

Send us a textTW: Child Abuse, Dead Kids, Incest, Pedophilia, Rape, Torture;Welcome!  To Caleb Can't Read Season 7!  This time we're coming in with a bang-- with our cousins!  Join us in our three-part series about how such a bastard comes to be as infamous-- and yet still somehow so loved-- as King of the Fuccbois, Lord Byron!

Send us a textFor our special 11th author on this season finale, we are looking at the short history of Richard Connell, the author of one of horror's most influential (for better or worse) stories, "The Most Dangerous Game"!

Send us a textYou ever go a little too far with your good intentions?  John did.  And hoo boy is it a doozy.  Come cringe with us as we discuss the man who lived undercover in the Deep South in the worst way possible and his resulting novel, "Black Like Me", John Howard Griffin!

Send us a textTW: Dead kids;Been a while since we talked about lynchings, shootings, and the misjustices of America, hasn't it?  Well wake up and give your kids a shot of whiskey, 'cause today we're covering one of the oldest authors to ever publish a book, the old and ever-delightful George Dawson!

Send us a textWelcome!  To Nicole Can't Leave!  Join us as we go over the life of poetry's most closeted man, and voted Most Likely to Smell Like Used Motor Oil in his high school yearbook: the author of the infamous "Leaves of Grass", Walt Whitman!

Send us a textI'll reiterate it here in case you don't have the time, but basically Caleb will be taking several short hiatuses between authors 'cause he's such a busy guy.  And while yes, this is technically the definition of slowing down, the podcast ain't goin' anywhere.  We have several, SEVERAL subjects to get through, and if we wait 'til Caleb's good n' ready each time, we'll be 50 years old by the time we get to Episode 100.  So in the meantime, stay tuned for more content coming your way!

Send us a Text Message.ooOOOOoowe're here to tell you frightening tales-- like those of manipulative husbands, bad adaptations, and mixing your prescriptions!  We're also here to talk about the woman who has largely been considered the Queen of Horror, Shirley Jackson!  Join us as we go over her long career, her fight with critics, and some of her most famous works!

Damn, who's that guy over there in the corner?  Oh man, you say he's a doctor?  And a writer?  And in trouble with the Spanish government?  And he bangs all the high-class ladies?  And he-- oh.  Oh, he says the alcohol wasn't free.  Oh, he's making me pay for his meal.  Ah.  Well then, this could only be the conclusion to the most illustrious Jose Rizal!

This poor dude might've actually done less damage had he just been left the hell alone.  Sure they say the pen is mightier than the sword, but Jose Rizal seemed content to let sleeping Spaniards lie once he found out how much trouble he was in.  Unfortunately, the people around him would force his environments to change, and his life to be forever altered.  Join us as we delve into the further life of Jose Rizal, author of "El Filibusterismo", and how he almost certainly did not bang Hitler's mom or kill all those prostitutes.

Sometimes you gotta be the change you wanna see in the world.  And sometimes, you gotta piss off a whole lot of people to do it.  Join us as we talk about the early life of the Philippines' foremost national hero, Jose Rizal, as well as his terrible finances, his bad housemate manners, and which side of his pants he hung his hog.  Salamat!

Hey kids, you wanna get mad about the shitty injustices of the world?  You wanna hear the story of a brilliant poet whose life had to end because of how he was born?  Wanna hear our perfect pronunciations of Spanish words?  Then join us this episode as we delve into the short, sporadic life of one of Spain's most famous poets, Federico Garcia Lorca!

TW: Torture;You ever have your boss ask you to make a manual of your process at work but really you know they're just trying to understand what the fuck it is you do?  While we may not know the story behind the author to a great extent, we fully understand the purpose of his work.  Unfortunately a little too well.  Join us as we delve into "The Art of War", and its author, Sun Tzu!

TW: Abuse;While I wouldn't call this our happiest episode, the story of Nadia Anjuman needs to be told.  Her work is criminally underrepresented in the West, and we can only hope that as her message is spread, so too are her poems.

TW: Dead kids, Suicide;When a guy like Percy comes along, history seems to revolve around them.  Not in like-- a way in which important events seem to crop up around them, but in the fact that we know every little detail about this douchebag's life.  If you like kidnapped children, terrible fathers, and boating accidents, boy do we have the guy for you!  Join us as we trudge through the remaining years in the short life of our King of Kings: Percy Bysshe Shelley!

It's been two years since we last talked about our Terrible Trio: Mary, Percy, and the good ol' Lord Byron.  But today we continue the saga with "Mad Shelley", a poet who showed a penchant for explosives, electricity, and freaking out when it was most convenient.  Join us as we delve into his earliest works, and the incredible knack he had for pissing off every single person he ever met!

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals aware of your own degradation and the wallowing of your own sins, it's the conclusion to our Cormac McCarthy series!  This episode, we'll be heavily delving into the works he completed from the years 1985 onward, including "Blood Meridian", "The Road", and the rest.  Keep dancing and never die, kids!  This is a depressing one!

Welcome to Season 6, cowpoke!  Join us as we discuss our favorite all-time author, Cormac McCarthy!  For the little we really know about his life, the least we can do is celebrate his earliest works, including "The Orchard Keeper", "Outer Dark", "Child of God", and "Suttree".  Come take a preliminary course in his works before we jump into his more well-known novels next episode!  Yee haw (--but in a depressed, sullen way, like mulling over the low value of man's achievements)!

Light up those skin-safe wax candles and slip on into the non-slip tub, for our Season 5 finale we're gettin' greased up, guffed up, and goofed up to bring you our discussion on the quintessential sex book: the "Kama Sutra"!  Join us as we discuss the practices still in use today, the ones we wish weren't, and whether or not a famous explorer had a perverted past.  See you soon for Season 6!

If you thought the guy was a bastard before, well, no need to change your viewpoint for this episode, I guess.  We're here to find out MORE of his shitty opinions, how he felt about his weirdly-named children, the train crash that nearly killed him, and some of the greatest works from the latter-half of his life, including "David Copperfield", "A Tale of Two Cities", "Great Expectations", & more!

My lord did this guy get up to some shit.  Between the terrorist bird, the woman he tried to drown, the man he was sort of complicit in killing... this man lived a full life all before he turned 40.  Join us as we go over the major early works of Charles Dickens, including "The Pickwick Papers", "Oliver Twist", and "A Christmas Carol", as well as all his shitty opinions!

Emily Dickinson could only be described as a Livewire within poetry.  Someone who Blasted the competition out of the water.  Unfortunately, her reclusive lifestyle led to her having no real fame until after her death, where her Mountain of works were finally published to universal acclaim.  Join us as we go through her ghostly presence and her most famous works, while exploring the flavors of New Dew.(Come to think of it, why didn't they release an alcoholic Code Red?)

What a long road it's been.  And that road is filled with androids dressed as Romans looking to kill you in a plot 2000 years in the making.  Join us as we try to unravel the final years of history's most insane or prophetic writer (depending on what you believe).  Time to head on down to the bus stop and yell at wind, we're discussing the ending saga of Philip K. Dick!

TW: Rape, Suicide;Sex!  Drugs!  Drugs!  Rock n' Roll!  Drugs!  Well, maybe not so much the sex and Rock n' Roll but at least we got drugs!  Philip K. Dick is certainly one of those authors that you know from the hundreds of adaptations you've seen on TV, whether you're aware of it or not, including "The Man in the High Castle", "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep", and "Ubik"!  And perhaps that's been his long con all along... to cement himself within our psyche...  What was that?  Are you listening to me breathe?!  They're putting cops in my dreams!  Join us as we go over the early work and waning mental state of sci-fi god, Philip K. Dick!

You know how to piss off a fanbase?  Tell them the truth.  Join us as we go into the rest of Jane Austen's life, as she produces satire after satire that seems to go over 50% of the population's head.  If she lived longer than she did, there's a good chance she would've finally told the world herself, but unfortunately, we're left with a lot of speculation as to her motives, her politics, and her humor-- all of which is easy to understand if you stop trying to fill in the blanks for yourself.  Either way, pull up a picture of Mr. Darcy's wet shirt, and enjoy!

Miss us?  Don't answer that it'll make me sad.  Well we took an impromptu mid-season break by mistake but we're back!  Come join us as we go over the early life and works of a very misunderstood lady, someone who's known today for the kind of work that she was actually making fun of in the first place, Jane Austen!

TW: Pedophilia;Jesus Christ this guy.  For some of you, this will for sure be a sad goodbye, as we delve into the remaining years of William S. Burroughs and his works, including his magnum opus, "Naked Lunch".  For those of us with a disgust for beatniks, it couldn't come soon enough.

TW: Child Abuse, Pedophilia;Now have we dealt with some real pieces of shit here on Caleb Can't Read?  Boy have we.  Conmen, torturers, literal Nazis...  But William S. Burroughs is a special kind of bastard.  Come join us as delve into perhaps the most infamous writer of the Beat Generation and the making of his first novel, "Junkie", as well as what cost him his freedom in two countries and a couple dead friends.

If there were ever a superhero that could drown a man in piss and make you question why you ever called on them in the first place, Francois Rabelais would be the PeePee PooPoo Man.  (The 'P' symbol on his chest stands for 'hoPe'.)  Since Chaucer's invention of words used on Caleb Can't Read today, there was a man in the 1500's that put such a vocabulary to beautiful use... and continued to use it until he literally became a target of the Catholic Church.  That's right, the author of "Gargantua and Pantagruel" threw so many fart jokes at the page that God Himself wanted him dead.  Celebrating our 2nd anniversary, this is Francois Rabelais!

For a man such as Roald Dahl, author of "The BFG", "Matilda", and "The Fantastic Mr. Fox", what can you say about him?  That he was problematic?  A bit creepy with his erotica and kind of shitty to his kids?  That he said some problematic things and was a hypocrite when it came to the messages he wrote for children but didn't do himself?Yes.

TW: Child Abuse, Dead Kids;To those of you familiar with Roald Dahl's life, you may remember his beginnings as a severely abused child, an ace fighter pilot, and a sexual secret agent.  To those of you who are unfamiliar with Roald Dahl... well... we have some surprises for you.  Join us today as we delve into the early life of the man behind "James and the Giant Peach" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", two of his early classics that we'll delve into this episode, as well as his earlier career as a successful mystery writer!

TW: Dead Kids;Welcome, you bunch of animals!  Come delve into the heyday of Rudyard Kipling, from his surprisingly non-racist classic "The Jungle Book", to his questionable masterpiece "Kim", and alllll the way through his problematic hit "The White Man's Burden".  For a man who loved to literally invent new slurs, will he be able to redeem himself?  Come listen to find out!

Ah, Kipling.  A brilliant poet.  A wonderful storyteller.  A hell of a racist.  Join us as we discuss the early life of English literature's most troubling slur creator!

Kept you waiting?  Well we've been dealing with a lot of illnesses lately, which oddly enough is the theme for this episode and Jose Saramago's remaining works.  Come join us as we delve into his remaining catalogue, such as "Blindness", "Death With Interruptions", and "The Gospel According to Jesus Christ"!

TW: Child abuse;For what would have been his 100th birthday, we are presenting you with the early life of Jose Saramago, arguably (by me-- I argue this--) Portugal's best writer.  Join us as we delve into his shitty childhood, his bizarre family, and his early works which would later gain a cult following, including "Manual of Calligraphy and Painting", "The Lives of Things", and "Baltasar & Blimunda"!

Look, we are not experts.  I swear to God, if ever we did a live show, people would have to sit through a good 20 minutes before we actually get to the source material, based solely on the fact that one of us hated how we opened the episode, and were quicker at pressing the 'stop' button than the other could cover it with their hand.

Welcome to the show, folks!

TW: Abuse, Dead Kids, Suicide;For our Season 4 finale, we bring to you a lot of sad.  For real, there's like 3 different people who die by their own hand in this.  But anyway, Sylvia Plath has become an authority in the poetry world since her passing, and her brilliance is something that must to be reiterated.  Again though, if you're going through some shit right now, maybe give this one a pass.What I will say is that we will have our Season 5 opener sometime in November, but unsure of how long it'll take for the rest of the Season to come out after that.  Refer back to Episode #41.5 on such details.SUICIDE HOTLINE:(800)273-8255

Bet you didn't see this one coming!  Huh?!  Haha, yeah...  Anyway, this guy's a fuckin' fraud, and we're here to tell you all about it.  Come listen to us discuss the bullshit prophecies of one of the most infamous conmen, Nostradamus!

TW: Alabama;It's our 50th episode!  And to celebrate, we're going over the sad sad tale of Helen Keller, most well-known for overcoming her blind and deaf disabilities to become a prolific author and Socialist activist, and not as well-known for her weird religion and once flying a whole goddamn plane.

Come join us as we discuss the life of Louis Braille, the man who invented a system for the blind to read while he was only 15!  And also sharing a bathroom with 120 other men.  Yes, the 1800's were a pooey time, especially if you were blind before Braille, which we'll also talk about.  Seriously, you were like town jester if you had a disability.  Not like today, where you can even be the co-host of your very own podcast.

TW: Torture;Welcome to perhaps the most pretentious Latin American writer there ever was, Roberto Bolano!  Come learn the backstory of the man who witnessed more than one atrocity in several countries, paving the way for him to create the two novels that one hipster chick was telling you about before her Marxist idealization turned you off, "2666" and "The Savage Detectives"!

TW: Rape;You may know him as "Geoffrey Chaucer", but we know him as "Geoffrey Chaucer, God of Farts".  Welcome to our episode on the man who quite literally invented the word, and perfected the ass-craft with his most famous stories-- and the precursor to the entire English literary scene-- "The Canterbury Tales"!

TW: Rape;Good goofin' God we're back in Nebraska.  Come join us as we go over the greatest works of Willa Cather; including "Death Comes for the Archbishop", "My Antonia", and "One of Ours", as well as the last years of her life, fraught with pain and loss.  Yay!

We hear you, and your prayers have been answered: you want more Nebraska.  Well today we have for you the embodiment of Nebraska itself, the author of "The Prairie Trilogy", and famous derby-hat-wearer, Willa Cather! 

Welcome to our finale of Herman Melville folks.  The end of his depressing, destructive life, and yet the birth of Billy Budd, the "Handsome Sailor", a man so thicc with love, that he climaxes our hearts.  Anyway, we'll be covering some of his most memorable stories here as well, including "Bartleby" and "Benito Cereno" as well.  High school English course, here we come!

Come join us as we go in length into the great American masterpiece, "Moby Dick"!  There's traumatized toddlers!  Dick fat!  A South Seas gay marriage!  Everything needed to run a safe re-election!

Split your lungs with blood and thunder, kids!  It's Herman Melville!  As we begin our journey into the life of this troubled sailor, we will be focusing on his career as a failed writer before his eventual magnum opus, "Moby Dick".  Take your Dramamine, the water's gonna be rough!

Hello, all.  This is just a quick update for anyone wondering why we've got such a strange episode schedule currently.  Short answer: it's because we don't make any money on this podcast so we're fighting for our lives with our day jobs.  And with schedule changes for our day jobs comes schedule changes for our episodes on here.  Episodes will now come every 2 weeks until further notice.  Thanks for your understanding!

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE COMMIE?  YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK TO UNCLE SAM THAT WAY?  Well it turns out that someone DID talk to Uncle Sam that way, and his name was James Dalton Trumbo, author of "Johnny Got His Gun" and the (in)famous Communist blacklisted from Hollywood!  Come listen to us discuss his most well-known work as well as Jordan not knowing the difference between Audrey and Katherine Hepburn.