Well met, weirdo! Crappy Castles is a podcast about the Forgotten Realms' finest adventure architecture firm and the two partners dead-set on destroying it—one poorly designed dungeon at a time. If you're looking to have a crappy adventure created for your party, email wellmet@crappycastles.com for a chance to have a pro-bono adventure built just for you.
Love is in the air! The damp, stinky, moldy air. Adron and Travis open the ex-files to educate you, the listener, on how to attract, keep, and potentially slay a mate with LOVE LANGUAGES. Plus: kissin' in kobold, literal love bombing, and Frico the Cheese Angel. You're welcome, Stephanies.
Happy nautical new year, nerds! This one has Adron, Travis, and Ian sailing the seven sleepy seas to create an adventure that can help some old fogeys stay awake. (Fogies? Fogerties?) Plus: rabid sleepytime bears! Plant clones! Weak shanty attempts! Wow!
Ooh baby, this one is a doozy! Ian's out because he had a baby, so Adron and Travis are coming up with baddies to toughen the little sucker up! Personally I'm scared of the pigglies who are going around haunting toes... Plus: three Miatas! Ye olde Best Western smoking policies! And baby eldritch blasts!
HAPPY SHANKS, Y'ALL! Ian and Travis talk the best ways to turkey proof your home from the Shanksgiving serial murderer aarakocra Jack the Flapper. Plus: Ian's pregnant! Travis learns about half baths! Turkey wieners!
OH MY GOURD. Travis and Ian nestle in to share cider recipes and the best way to stay cozy while adventuring and covered in pumpkin guts. Or demon guts. Either way, its natural and so we support it.
Aaahh!!! Real hipsters! Ian, Travis, and Adron teach all of us nerds how to prepare for a cool people Halloween party. The answer involves lots of bird meat and very little clothing. Plus: Adron's first stand-up meeting! The coolest hat ever! And invisible make out sessions!
JUMPSCARE! Travis and Ian are making a modern horror story set in the spookiest place of all: the suburbs! It's a choose-your-own adventure that is equal parts trick AND treat! Plus: shin kicks, loose s'mores, and lengthy descriptions of garage paint!
In this extra crappy episode of Crappy Castles, the full squad of Travis, Ian, and Adron dive deep into the socio-economic structure of malls and their current state of abandonment. Also we coin the term "Fluffback" Tell us how you have started incorporating the word Fluffback into your everyday speech by sending us an email at wellmet@crappycastles.com
This one's for the speed freaks. Enjoy the Undeath Race 500, The Ranger Zone, and more high speed, high stakes one shots! Plus: snackable wine skins, taurtaurs, and Tasha Yar is there! IF YOU HAVE A TREANT / DIABETES JOKE, PLEASE SEND IT TO WELLMET@CRAPPYCASTLES.COM
Travis Royals and a SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST attempt to design an adventure to help one special listener deal with the loss of their favorite podcast co-host. (Note: It is totally not the former co-host of this podcast, Sir Ian of the Hills.) Plus: deals with god, Michael's Bay, and how to roll a d2.
Travis has shunted Sir Ian into a strange pocket dimension which leads to an encounter with a questionable former employee, the elusive company man. They make lemons into lemon flavored goblins by taking this as an opportunity to collaborate.
Sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It's been ONE WHOLE FISCAL YEAR of this podcast and so it is time to take stock what has worked and what hasn't, as well as set goals for the future. Travis and Ian don't do any of that in this episode. But thanks for listening for a year and we look forward to keeping it going. That is, if we figure out where that spell sent him… Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com
Travis and Ian peel back the scales on the realms most beloved winged and treasure hoard lovin' denizen to get makeover befitting of Royals & Royals. There are actually some cool ideas in this one. Also some crappy ones. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com
The boys make a dungeon for seven tortle bards named Sheldon. (We call that a bardzinga.) For some reason, they decide that the best course of action is to get these turtleboys in a pop music showdown called MORTAL KONCERT! Plus: Adron intro! Fancam lessons! Ian tries being a jerk! Travis is hungry again!
The boys come up with some vegan friendly bosses to satisfy any adventurer with a septum piercing. No word yet on the gluten content though. Plus: limosteeds, dandylions, and ensorceled tents of smothering. Want your own rush of bosses? Email a prompt to wellmet@crappycastles.com
Travis and Ian practice daddyhood with a listener request for a kid-friendly dungeon! Plus: tetanus checks, kenku shaming, and flasks of dish soap for a very slippy slide. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com
When should you put shopping in your adventure? According to Ian and Travis, the answer is: all the friggin' time! Listen to this pro bono pod for some FREE tips on adding micro, macro, and regular transactions to every single session. Plus: dungeon bathroom attendants, scarf roulette, and the importance of buying high and never selling.
DM Box is a special, mostly out-of-character cast just for patrons! If you want more episodes of DM Box, join the Crappy Castles Patreon today: https://www.patreon.com/crappycastles
IT'S TAX TIME! And Royals and Royals Adventure Architecture have to spend money to save money by creating a ton of business expenses very, very quickly. Ian suggests spending the gold safeguarding their dungeons. Travis suggests very much like... the complete opposite of that. And it's a dynamic like that that can keep a podcast going for two, maybe three more episodes! Plus: influencer dragons, timey wimey explosions, and a couple hundred omelettes.
Can I interest you in some minimap sprinkles? Travis and Ian come up with some stellar side quests to punch up your overly involved campaign, including a fetch quest for a beholder's contact lens! Just in case your D&D narrative was moving TOO QUICKLY. Plus: Ian's got new pants, Adron's got new paychecks, and Travis is pissed about pretty much all of it.
Hop on the eclair canoe and take a terrible trip on the corn syrup seas! And make sure to take your insulin shot while you're at it because this is a much crueler Candyland than you're used to. Plus: Ian tries to steer Travis away from his crippling sugar addiction, Travis attempts to dive nose first into a pile of pixie stix, and Adron continues to be the Necco-white backbone of the show.
Kitty in my dungeon and I want to touch it! Travis and Ian craft the perfect adventure to run with an all tabaxi party, complete with fits, sits, and the fanciest of feasts. Plus: dosed Gogurt, the dunes of Purrakis, and Ian invents a really cool hand gesture that nobody has done before.
Break a leg! Or several! Travis and Ian are writing a hit play based on the book series "A Song of Ice and Fire". The only problem? They don't know what that is. Plus: frozen jerky, extremely fungible tokens, and a look at Ian's feetnotes.
Ever wanted to build a one-shot like the big dogs??? Then look elsewhere! Travis and Ian are telling you literally everything they know about building a great adventure, and for at least one of them, it ain't much.
Travis & Ian are pressure testing your party with a frustrating quest through the fantasy furniture store Eye-KEA. Plus: court ordered sheep counting and rollin' vibe checks in the backseat of the Gremlin.
❄️ MERRY TIMES! ❄️ Travis is uncharacteristically jovial this Winter's Crest season. Meanwhile, Ian's socks have been soaked by the Gasoline Goblin. Must be a naughty halfling! Anyway, the premise of this episode is that the boys prescribe each other Winter's Crest spirits in a passive aggressive attempt to teach other a lesson. Plus: big ass brooches, peppermint popcorn, and Travis's theoretical spouse.
Ah, fifth grade. The calm before the puberty storm. In this episode, Ian teaches us the value of a good education, Travis insists on the opposite, and everybody learns a little bit about what made the boys the way they are. Plus the laziest rivers, number crunching, and the caper of the Watson Wombat.
Travis forces Ian to work on Shanksgiving and they dig up a letter that's one holiday too late. Plus the Summer of Toucan Sam, gravyshots, and Ian finally does his Jerry Sheinfeld impression.
Ian and Travis solve an elderly heiress's hiccups FROM THE INSIDE. And give you an airship adventure that you'll never forget. Plus: cab-sav-blancs, catch-your-own dinners, and the greatest pun in Crappy Castles history. WANT US TO BUILD YOU A DUNGEON? SEND YOUR LETTER TO WELLMET@CRAPPYCASTLES.COM.
Learn all about the Feywild in an episode more aimless than a beholder with cataracts! if you're running or about to run The Wild Beyond The Witchlight, this podcast won't help in any way shape or form. Plus: lint types! Email your letters to wellmet@crappycastles.com and we may build you an adventure! FOR FREE!
Looking for a botanical adventure? Try these tiny trials through Travis's topiaries! Plus bug budgets, frogs unhemoth'd, and an allergic reaction to displacements. If you want the boys to build you a daggum dungeon, email your letter to wellmet@crappycastles.com.
Ian learns how to be a fancy lad while slurping liquid chicken. Travis tells him no a lot. Adron makes the best sounding episode yet. Plus a new pixie, horse cotillion, and the origin of vicious mockery.
Finally, a reason to be proficient in Animal Handling! This adorable adventure involves blink chickens, dire walruses, and Travis's crippling fear of bats (and subsequent brush with superheroism).
The boys come up with a bunch of big bads in our first ever BOSS RUSH. Featuring The Mmmmm, Flying Slime Recylcer, Tiny Bastard, Travis's dad, and Cardboard Cretin.
Travis desperately tries to one up his father while Ian desperately tries to get a word in. It's an underwater adventure that, if anybody asks, is for a good cause. Plus mass extinction, reverse mermaids, and the invention of the key conundrum.
Travis Royals and a newly knighted Ian of the Hills create a horrific one-shot that will have you asking, "Who is the real monster?" (Spoiler: it's the monsters.) Plus dire flamingos, deus ex french toast, and a close call with Willy Nilly himself. If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to wellmet@crappycastles.com.
Mornin' crappy campers! In this pilot 'cast, Travis Royals and Ian of the Hills design a summer camp for something called an eagle scout. Featuring bug juice rapids, a drider named Gary, and a peek into the boss's childhood torment. If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to wellmet@crappycastles.com.
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