Lia and Alanna Watch The X-Files

"End Game" picks up where "Colony" left off, but unfortunately Alanna's dreams of two Mulder's are quickly crushed. This episode reveals the truth about "Samantha," confirms Mulder's daddy issues, and has more clones than Alanna is comfortable with, forcing her to wonder if she's been recording each episode with a different Lia each week.  The Girls coin a new motto: Trust Skinner.

The Girls start this episode by talking about real-life news: the government has confirmed, again, the existence of UFOs! Also, Lia reasserts her controversial belief that COVID-19 is an alien virus. But back to what actually matters, The X-Files gives us another “To Be Continued…” cliffhanger, and Mulder is in crisis because he fails, yet again, at trusting no one. “Colony” has clones, an alien bounty hunter, Mulder's dad, and the introduction of someone who claims to be Mulder’s “”””sister”””. Alanna tries to connect this episode to past storylines and is nearly successful.

"Fresh Bones" deals with instances of voodoo magic at a Haitian refugee camp, but Mulder and Scully don't do much. Lia and Alanna admit to casting spells with questionable intentions.

In the episode that no one knows how to pronounce, Mulder and Scully  investigate a murder in a town with a bunch of lazy Satan worshippers. The producers say this is a 'parody' but The Girls are unsure they know what that means. Lia reveals what she'd do if she were the Devil. Alanna gets to enjoy her favorite thing: a long, insane, dramatic monologue. Also, we learn that the show named characters after internet super-fans and are starting a petition to get our names in if they ever do another season. 

In "Irresistible" Mulder plans to take Scully on an elaborate date, but the agents end up working a case that triggers Scully's abduction trauma. Lia and Alanna  beg the writers to just please leave Scully alone.

"Aubrey" takes on important topics like generational trauma and why Mulder eats all those sunflower seeds.

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In the FBI, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the X Files. These are their stories. Wait... "Excelsis Dei" leaves The Girls asking, "What?" and "Why?" This episode attempts to tackle a sexual assault case, where the perpetrator is an invisible entity, and (you guessed it) the victim isn't believed. If you find yourself wondering "How did this episode get made?" just remember, there were no women in the writers room. 

The girls do their best to navigate the confusing twists and turns of "Red Museum." Alanna asks some big questions that Lia can't answer. This episode has it all: violent teenage boys, cows, and a vegetarian cult that is truly just minding their own business. 

Well, Scully is back to work and unsurprisingly we are not talking about her abduction trauma. Instead, we're investigating dangerous spores inside a volcano. Alanna's worst nightmare, plants inside the body, comes true. Mulder wears denim on denim, AGAIN!  And, Lia analyzes the suspicious dynamics of the scientist team, particularly how Jessie has been cutting her bangs.  By the way, the official advice of Lia and Alanna is that you should not pay your taxes, since your tax money will go to alien spore research. 

This is a BIG episode. In fact, our longest non-fanfiction episode. Scully returns out of nowhere and her family must decide whether to take her off life-support or not. Mulder, who was watching porn when he got the call, rushes to her side and can't help but try to sway the families decision. Lia and Alanna go deep into Mulder and Scully's love for each other, the emotional rollercoaster Mulder is experiencing, the TALENT of David Duchovny, how incredible Scully's sister is, and more! Oh yeah, before we forget, who the f was that nurse?! 

Scully is gone and Mulder is acting out. Things take a very adult turn when he explores bloodplay and the BDSM world of sexy vampires. Oh and yes, that is David Duchovny's real-life girlfriend playing his sexual partner. A surprise to no one, The Girls draw incredibly important parallels between "3" and Twilight.

The Girls take on Ascension, and Alanna has a lot of feelings... sexual feelings. Mulder chokes someone and maybe hits on Scully's mom. Oddly, instead of being turned on, Lia is filled with despair by his depression because she "cares" about his ""emotional well-being."" Elsewhere, Alex Krychek continues to be the worst. There's a "high-speed" chase on a ski lift (or is it a gondola?). And, there's breaking news: The X-Files are back in business, baby! Also, The Girls plan out their rewatch podcast which will be available wherever you listen to podcasts in 50 years. 

It may be the most exciting episode of the season so far, but first Lia and Alanna  talk in depth about David Duchovny's many novels. And no, they haven't read them. Episode 5 introduces us to Duane Barry, a possibly deranged, multiple abductee,  former FBI agent. The girls are split on whether or not Duane Barry is a liar, but they are aligned on something much more important: Mulder looks hot in that red speedo.

It's the fourth episode of the second season, and Lia actually remembers seeing it before! This episode introduces us to Alex Krycheck, whom Alanna hates, and Lia has a hard time not revealing future plot points. The Girls discuss Scully's deep love for Mulder, Mulder's need for explicit conversation, and, for some reason yet again... Phoebe Green???

It’s episode 2x03 and The X-Files are still shut down. A postal worker who gets a paper cut and then gets fired is being subliminally convinced to go on a killing spree. Alanna does research into the real-life history of mass shootings at Postal Offices  and Lia admits to believing 100% in the Chemtrails conspiracy theory. The Girls dissect the difference in David Duchovny's portrayal of Mulder between Season 1 and Season 2, as well as the character's obsession with pornography. Scully is in this episode too, but only just barely. Regardless, The Girls go deep into the pay disparity between David and Gillian. Lia and Alanna request that you write into the show if you've ever microwaved a full bag of bagels. 

Season 2, Episode 2 is set in the sewers and The Girls aren't happy about it. Gross from start to finish, with the exception of when Mulder gets wet. Lia and Alanna discuss a shocking event that happened with the Dave Matthews Band (it relates!). And, an unexpected scene triggers Alanna to share a deep  fear.  The Girls also dive into Mulder's depression and tackle the real question on everyone's mind: why aren't Mulder and Scully together?

It's season 2, episode 1 and we're still doing this! The X-Files may still be shut down, but that doesn't stop Mulder from going to find some aliens in Puerto Rico, or Scully from having to save his life. Join us as we discuss how tall Young Fox Mulder is, whether or not alien legs are sexy, and of course, Mulder's infamous denim on denim outfit!

Thank you to all the fanfiction writers out there, you're doing god's work.NOTE: We mark all episodes explicit, but we really mean it with this one.

It's the season one finale! The Girls actually made it through a whole season! In celebration, Lia and Alanna countdown their favorite moments from the show and the podcast. Then, they get into "Erlenmeyer Flask." Alanna learns what that is, reveals her fear of monkeys, and questions why the only men she likes are David Duchovny and Robert Pattinson. Lia tries in vain to seriously discuss the plot and vows to do better by Scully in future seasons. They're both really proud of each other and they won't let you forget that. 

It's the second to last episode of the season and yet "Roland" has nothing to do with the season finale. Lia and Alanna breakdown the agents investigation of a disabled janitor accused of murder, but don't worry, his twins frozen head is making him do it. The girls take on controversial questions, such as: How offensive is this episode and is it even okay that they made it? What happens to cryogenically frozen heads and would you freeze yours?? Was David Duchovny an asshole on set???

 In "Born Again", we have another creepy little girl possibly responsible for murders, which leads to another argument about when The Parent Trap was released. Lia and Alanna apologize for spending the first 7 minutes talking about Friends and starting their own #justiceforjanice campaign. The girls also discuss the logistics of reincarnation, while Mulder engages Dad Mode and writes in his journal about this "Status: UNEXPLAINED" case. 

In episode 1x21, our old friend Tooms is back and on the hunt for his 5th liver! Lia and Alanna learn that Mulder sleeps hugging himself and probably doesn't have a bedroom. They also tackle important questions, such as: Did Scully change her hair? Did Lia follow through on her promise of learning who Courtney Stodden is? And how many degrees away from David Duchovny has Alanna really been?

In Episode 20, Scully and Mulder take on swarms of bioluminescent bugs unearthed in the forests of Washington State. The girls discuss the horrors of this possibility, the return of Lesbian Scully, and whether or not Alanna has a ghost living in her apartment.

In what we're calling the first flop of Season 1, Lia and Alanna discuss everything but "Shapes." The girls offer criticism and suggestions for improving this episode, and attempt to answer burning questions like "did J. Edgar Hoover invent the x-files?" and "is Santa an alien?"

In episode 18, things start to go very wrong within a religious cult. Mulder thinks he sees his sister, there's a second coming of Jesus, and Scully doesn't believe any of this shit. Join us as Lia and Alanna discuss "Miracle Man" as well as the wetness of the moon, their past lives as cult members, and celebrity alien sightings!

It's episode 17 and we're chasing down aliens, baby! After a fighter jet shoots down a UFO, Mulder and Scully attempt to track the remnants across the country in hopes of revealing the truth and witnessing a real life E.B.E. This episode is full of lies, but Lia and Alanna cut through to the truth: Scully is a daddy.

Lia is confused. Alanna notices a lot of sexual tension. There's also a salamander hand.

In "Lazarus", Scully's ex-boyfriend returns and we learn that she has a type: coworkers who are relentless and stubborn. Alanna wishes someone would tell her that she feels like New Year's Eve, even if the person saying it is a murderous bank robber. Also, the girls talk about David Duchovny's tendency to choose movies where his wife dies in a car accident and ends up in someone else's body. Yes, that's happened more than once! 

“Gender Bender” contains many shocking revelations. Was Scully a horse girl? Is she super horny? Are Lia and Alanna huge nerds who don’t know anything about sex? And is Alanna going to quit the pod if there are too many aliens? All that, and so much more, gets answered in episode 14.

In Episode 13, Scully takes on the role of the believer when a psychic death row inmate claims he can help catch a potential serial killer. The girls discuss everything from the death penalty to their own experiences with psychics, mediums, and ghosts. 

An asteroid is (hopefully) headed to earth but Lia and Alanna are still talking about Episode 1x12 “Fire”. The show introduces Phoebe, a widely reviled character who Alanna doesn’t totally hate. And in the biggest news of the week, Lia finally whistles. 

Lia and Alanna discover they’re twin clones that were separated at birth but can telepathically communicate with each other from across the country. Wait, no, sorry, those are the kids in this X-Files episode. “Eve” scares Lia and makes Alanna ask, “is this show actually good?” Also, the girls express gratitude for Robert Pattinson’s wellness. He’s not in The X-Files but it’s still important.

Lia and Alanna made it to episode ten, and they're feeling pretty great about it. Mulder investigates a potential UFO crash site, Scully works as a doctor for a night, and of course, aliens are wreaking havoc in Northern Wisconsin.

An extraterrestrial spirit is sabotaging NASA through Mulder's childhood hero, Gemini astronaut, Colonel Belt. Lia and Alanna discuss Mulder's sunflower seed addiction for the first time and reminisce on when they almost saw a rocket launch.

In Icy Cape, Alaska, an alien worm is turning scientists into murderers. Mulder and Scully investigate, but take some time to tenderly caress each other. Join us as we get to the bottom of burning questions like how many doctors is too many doctors, and DOES David Duchovny have the biggest dick in Hollywood???

We're talking all things 1x07: "Ghost in the Machine". They call this a Halloween episode, but Alanna is firm that it is NOT. Scully fights a fan and Mulder makes an elevator angry. Also, Lia is probably afraid of the dark. 

Episode 1x06 is supposedly about telekinesis, or is it? This episode may take you by surprise but the one constant that always remains is Mulder looking good. Also, Lia receives a phone call. 

It's episode 5 and Mulder loses his mind over a child's drawing of a normal man, Scully goes on a date, and Alanna sets out on a quest to find the greatest mythical creature of all: The Squonk.

In episode 1x04: Conduit, a family is torn apart by a potential alien abduction. That's important, but have you seen David Duchovny's instagram? Join Lia and Alanna as they try not to get sued while investigating the things that really matter. 

Lia and Alanna are back to talk about Season 1, Episode 3: Squeeze. A humanoid serial killer returns every 30 years to eat 5 livers, Casual Friday Mulder is the talk of the town, and aliens are maybe Nazi sympathizers. No matter what time it is, crack open a White Claw and congratulate yourself for listening!

Lia and Alanna take on Episode 2: A Military test pilot has gone missing, is it alien related??? This episode is full of government cover-ups and sexual tension - a classic combo. Join us as we discuss Scully's haircut, why this episode is called Deep Throat, the best places to live to see UFOs (Hint: Look for themed diners), and MORE!

In our first episode we discuss all things Season 1, Episode 1: The Pilot. Including but not limited to, Scully's huge blazers, defunding the FBI, is David Duchovny REALLY 6 feet tall, and of course, could COVID-19 be extraterrestrial?? Join Lia and Alanna as they investigate all that and more! Follow us on Instagram @liaandalannawatchthexfiles !