Riverdo's and Riverdon'ts

Season 3 catches a nasty case of the "oh fuck we only have a couple episodes left," and the hosts of RDARD are left heads a-spinning. Then something truly horrifying happens when we catch a glimpse into the soul-destroying, eldritch truth at the heart of Riverdale's blighted and accursed creative process. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

Listen to us suffer. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

I'm a bit worried about this one. I basically don't remember anything we talked about, other than how I feel like Euphoria (a show that isn't Riverdale) makes me feel yucky. I think we strayed from the topic a lot because of how awful this episode was, but I am seriously not sure. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

At long last, RDARD returns to a shitty, exhausting slog of an episode! Our Riverdale tolerance break has left us a quivering pile of exposed nerves, with naught but a hideous ravaging by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa to look forward to. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

It turns out to be definitive: An episode that sucks out loud is easier to suffer through than an episode that sucks silently. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

This is an extremely bad episode where they can't even come up with enough terrible, unmotivated false conflict and have to recycle a shit plotline from within the same episode. Riverdale is a bad show. But Arlie says something really funny, so we're good. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

I'd love to say "Riverdale's back, baybee!", but honestly this episode just eats a party shit sub, one bite at a time, without breaking eye contact with the viewer or taking a single drink of water, or even gagging a little. It's crazier than the last episode, and thus slightly more entertaining, often by accident, but Riverdale's just sunk in the snot bog, quality-wise, at this point in Season Three. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

An episode that is both boring and relentless, somehow at the same time. Thrill, as a bunch of dumb shit that doesn't matter happens! I'm sorry folks, we're doing our best. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

Riverdale is like Bizarro-Town, or so we're told. And this episode of RDARD is very much the strange mirror-twin of the previous one-- listen to find out how! Also, listen to find out what the fuck the title means. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

The episode wasn't so bad... OR SO IT SEEMED. Come for the wild insanity of the plot, stay for Quinn achieving a very high power level. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

This episode is wretched and deeply frustrating, but don't you worry-- the cast of Riverdo's and Riverdon'ts is ready to kick it into an entirely different gear to force entertainment into this non-entertainment-shaped aperture. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

Buckle up, folks, this is easily one of the worst episodes yet. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

The misery continues as everyone is dumb and nearly all action is unmotivated. However, there are some good things here, like the shark-jumping potential getting supercharged, and some gnarly new stupid names. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

In our experience, there are 2 kinds of shitty Riverdale episodes. One is the kind that's boring and painful to get through. The other is shitty in a way that generates utter chaos in the ensuing conversation and analysis. This Riverdale episode is the second kind of shitty Riverdale episode. Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

So, probably the weirdest thing about this episode is how the writers, with a shocking degree of consistency, set up a scene, escalate it, Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

You'd think that a 90's homage mixed with a bizarre take on the Satanic Panic of the 80's mixed with what seems like a preoccupation with the good Nightmare on Elm Street movie would be weirder than the episode after it, which takes us back to the main timeline.You'd be dead mcfucking wrong.Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

What happens when the 80's, the 90's, and Riverdale all have a bunch of nasty, unprotected sex? This episode is what. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

RDARD emerges from its eternal slumber to dissect a surprisingly shitty episode, full of cursed horny energy. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

Never fear, RDARD listeners. The lukewarm sluggishness of the previous episode is gone in a whirl of road dust as Season Three's second episode does a sick burnout and just throws EVERYTHING at EVERYONE.Thrill! As we discover how Archie is similar to a doughnut.Be Mesmerized! As two increasingly absurd plot lines threaten to collide catastrophically with one another.And... Listen! To our cool podcast, thank you so much.Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

After what feels like an eternal incarceration in the Ostowverse, we're back to the TV show!Quinn and Rob are joined by Arlie to unfold what promises (at least early on) to be the wildest and most baffling season of Riverdale yet.Thrill as we witness the absolute burial of Riverdale: Get Out of Town's canonicity and join us in our struggle to pull any meaning from this shockingly disposable season opener.Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

This is The End. The chapters hit in a machine-gun-like staccato as we more or less begin giving every individual action beat it's own goddamn chapter. And once the dust settles, we're left to cope in the wreckage of a plot that just... didn't make sense on so many levels, in hindsight. But we give it our best shot at reconstruction. We bore witness to the catastrophe, and it's our responsibility to catalogue the damage. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) M.I.T. Choir - O Fortuna   

There is no bottom. The maelstrom pulls Rob and Quinn shrieking into the fathomless deep as the book somehow gets goddamn even worse. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)   

It gets worse. Somehow, this set of chapters is even worse than the previous set of chapters. I hate it so much. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)  

Well, shit. If called upon, neither Quinn nor Rob could have very precisely articulated what they expected, plot development-wise, when the main 4 finally made it to Shadow Lake. However, it's fair to say that the depth (and commitment level) of utter bullshit that unveils itself through this section was not on ANYONE'S bingo card. If the film INCEPTION was about an author trying to avoid actually telling a story, it would play out a lot like this. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) 

Prose and Cons is back! And holy hell did we draw some choice material this time. The first two pages of this section contain just about as much wacky nonsense as the preceding 8 chapters put together, and Quinn and Rob put on their very best Forensic Linguist and Forensic Literary Scholar hats to try to make sense of the carnage. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

The Satanic Panic of the 1980's casts a long shadow, somehow, across Riverdale in the Year of Our Lord 2018 or 2019, and hoo boy does it make no sense. Additionally, there appears to be a legitimate cosmic horror being hinted at by multiple characters, now? It's a lot of sauce for a meal with no main dish. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) Kevin MacLeod - Divertissement    

Time travel, Gargoyle Kings, and Toilet Gun Truthers. This book goes to a level of crazy neither Quinn nor Rob were remotely prepared for. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)   

The nightmare begins anew as Rob and Quinn plunge into the second novel of the Riverdale Ostowverse. There's a frame-job for murder and, more importantly, a house party. Also the text messages seem to be behaving like some sort of invasive species at this point, taking everything over. Oh, and we go on a weirdly long tangent about Scott Pilgrim, if that's your thing. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)    

Quinn and I marvel at the alacrity with which all plotlines are abandoned and the novel essentially crumples its way across the page count finish line and simply turns to dust. And I learn a new fact about Ostow's body of work that tempts me in a dangerous, dangerous way... Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)    

Wow. Looking back at how I described the previous section, I'm having a real "Sweet Summer Child" moment at myself. I derided the first section as " all the nothing these characters are given to do on the morning before the actual story starts happening."What a fool I was. This section is even longer, and basically only 2 things happen. Holy shit! Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)    

Quinn is dragged screaming into the baleful void known to the initiated as The Ostowverse. We tour the first section of Riverdale: The Day Before, which is all the nothing these characters are given to do on the morning before the actual story starts happening. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)   

THIS IS THE END (for now). Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental) 

A somewhat unhinged Rob navigates the penultimate set of chapters in this godawful book. His pain for your pleasure. You're welcome. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

I feel like this batch of chapters is a bit more boring than the previous ones, and I can't tell if it's the lack of a Veronica chapter, or if the WEIGHT of having like... half of one thing occur in the plot exhausted the book temporarily. Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

We get a greater profusion of intercalary/epistolary documents in this chapter set, as something wicked Lodge way comes and Rob loses his shit about timeline stuff. Enjoy! Music: Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

All pretense of a format is abandoned as the book tumbles into chaos. Cryptids, prophecies, celebrity name drops not narrated by Veronica, and nearly 100 pages of still not really any plot. Hot damn.Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

 R̷͕̠̪͇͎͕̦o̜͇̪̠͉b͉͔͎ ̢̙͙͚̮̦͉i̺͖s͕̳͇ͅ ͍ͅg̠͚͚ọ͚n̯̺̤e̝.̼͚̲̗͓̲̩̤̼̹̗͕͘O͇̼͚̣̞ͅn̩̹̳̳ĺy̵͍̜̝ ̵̘ṃ̲̹͜ạ͚͚d̰͈n̨̤̫͈͇̥͙̦e̙̬s̸͚̺s̸̪̫ͅ ͈̬͉͘l̝̥̖̙͈̺̼͞i̞̥͟v̷̳̤͎e̹͕s̤̮͝ ̵̱̮͙̖͖̭̞h̢̠̺̖̳͕̲e̱͍̻̙̪ṟ̭̘̣̥̮͢e̬͖͙̫͕͕ͅ ̘̩n͉͓̲̦o̴̙̫̗̫̘w̘̞̦͕̫.̷̗̠͇̦̱̱͖̯̥͘H̼͕̝̬́e͎͓ ̥͓̜̙͉͕̕d͉͎̮̟̖̗ͅo͈̙̘̣̖e͓̲̲̳̩s̘͍͙̜̕n̺̩̤̥͓'͖͎̻͚t ̥̼̟̟̝̗ͅe̩̱͈̘̠v̯͚̙̺͈͈̦e̦̖̤̩n̸̮̝̞̝̯͇̺ ̙͕̱̥̲ͅr̩̱̩̜̻͇e̞͍͇̬a̡͙͓̮l̶̲̩̙i̢̱̺̠̺̦̭̬z̸͓̩͔̝̙̤e̦͍̳͎̤͞,̧͈̲̱ ̞͇̦̻i̠̤̺̪͎̻n̵̻̙̘͖̙̫̩ ̶̝̺ṭ̸h̳̻̤͚͕̩̘i̳̩̟͓s̴͚̯̹̰̘̲ͅ ̵̗̱̝̜͉m͎̱͔ͅo͕͖̺̬͓m̷͉͚̘̼̖e̶̪̫̺ͅͅn͕̳̯̱̟͞t̟̰̙̞̀,̖̹ ̝̥̪̪͚͖̙t̺̱͖h͔̮a̖͔̯̕t̵͎̲͇͖̳ ͓̟̰̲t͙̫h̥͓̩̯̫͘e̞̭̠̜ͅ ̵̲̰̯̮e̸̻̪̼̰̮ͅp̩̪̠̫͇ͅi̛̠̣s̫̞̝̺̭̜ͅt̷̲̤ol͓͚͖̼͕̹͢a̝̥̺͎r̗y͏̦̦̤͖͕̬̮ ̗͇͍ͅf͙̗̣̻̘̜̳o̭r̻̞̭̹m̳̼͔͘a̪ṱ͙̫̻̤̮ ̝̫̘ha͕͕͖̯s̵̠̖̠̠ ̖͕͘b͔͙̜e̡̪̤̹e͏͓ņ̦̤͉̘̲͔͚ ̙͔͎͙̦a̰̕b̬a̵n͉̦͉̙͇̣d̛̠̲͍͎͓on̲͚̤͈͉͓̝͠ḛ̖͍̪͕̗d̠͕̖̠̪.҉̻͈ ̥ͅH̥͖͖̬ḛ̳̪̠̻̥͇͞ ͙̲i̪͖̜ś̯͍ ͖̰̫̜͈̱͚t̤̞̱̹o̗̖͠o͠ ̟̣̺ͅb͎͓̠u̲̟̞̯͎̥͎s͉͈̤̦͉̗̺y ̶̲c̫̫u̻͓̯̖̟̬t̷̫t͎͉̬̤ḭ͉͙̠͍̥n̘̫̖g̫̩̩̳̦̟ ̗͕̣̟͇ͅt͚̫͢h̛̲̣͔̲̳e͉͎̪̫̱͖ͅ ̼̪̱͉̰̯t̺̙̭̺e̤͎̠n̨d̫͕͍̟̻̗eṛ͚̼̹̻̗ͅ ̴̺͔̰f̛̝l͎̣͚e̳̹̱̪͍s̛̝͎̟̭͎̗h̡͉̹ ̨òf̹̬̱͈͈̥̘̕ ḫi҉s̳ ̧̼ẖ̰͍̣̬a͓̬̕n͙̜̘̰͈͙d̵̦̲̣̬̭s̥̦̯̤ ͟u̴̪͕p̥o̸͈̫͖n̷̤ ͢h͕i͜s̺̞͉̙̩̖ ͏̹̬̣̯̗̪̦fr̴̼̠̩͈͈̹a̜̺̲͕̲c̮͎̪t̻̣̹̼̰̻̱́ù̲͉̞ͅre͏̦d͔̀ ̟͈s̜̣͉̰ͅa̙n̞i̴̦̜͔̭̦͈ͅt̵y͎̺̳'̡͎̫̞̫͕ͅs̯͔̝̠̻͢ͅ ͚̼̮j̭͉̼̗͓͎ͅa̧̼̭̱̟͙ͅg͞ge͈̝̹̟̰̖d̪̱̰̰͓͚̦,̪ ͢h̪̘̟̦à̩̦t̯̲̱̗̜̖e͏͙̣̪̖͔fu̴̲l̹͕̰͚̘͙ ͏̗͙͚̭͍̼ͅé̙̜̩̫̬̭d́ģ̮̤̳̩̬̝̥e̢͙͉͈͍s̨.̣͈̬̤͕̖̺̖͇̱͚̗͇̥͡ͅV͓̝͔e͉̤̻r̖͉͙̰o̗̗̰n̩̫̦̖̠͉͍i̷c͙̥̙͡a̜̼̱͘, ̹̦ẃ̟̞ͅh͓a̞͙̘͓͝t͈̪̕ ̻t̶̥̮h̸e̦̞̟̥̳ ̸̦̣h͉͖̜̯é͙̺̺l̻̙͇̣l̨̩̪̙̲͚.̶͎̞̩̗̮̖͖̼̰̮̦̣͝͡O͎͔̤͍s͓͍t͓̻̼͞o̶̹̳͓̯͖w̻,̣̘̹ ̧̬̻̩̫ẁ̮̪̤h͢a̰t̨͖̱̠̪̪̬̲ ̶̪̥͈̙t̛͍̫̬̻͖͖̩ḥ̻̩͉̬͕̲́e̻̯̤ ͔̰̮͝fư͕͈ç̯̟͎ki̟̠͙̱͎n͍͉̹g͜ ̪̘h̪̪̱̖e҉͈̰̖̳l̶̠͖̫͎̟l̼̠͞.̷̖̻̤͙͈ Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

Welcome to Prose and Cons, where Rob torments himself by reading and dissecting the Riverdale tie-in YA novels, of which there are already 2, with at least 2 more planned. We begin this horrible quest with Riverdale: The Day Before, by Micol Ostow. What can a prequel to the first episode of a TV series possibly offer in terms of plot, you might ask? There are no answers here, only pain.Music:Josh Woodward - Faded War (Instrumental)

At long last, we come to the end of our Season 2 journey, and we do so with an episode that, while on the whole a success in terms of moving the plot to an interesting place, still manages to put to film what is probably the most incomprehensibly stupid decision made by a character yet on this show.Join us as we witness the inexplicable success of Hiram Lodge's very bad, very stupid evil plan.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

The second-to-last episode of season 2?!Honestly, you'd normally expect that to be the correct headline, but this episode is so bonkers that it doesn't even really matter where in the season it falls. Not since "Shoggoth Box" have we had quite so heightened and absurd an episode, and boy howdy, was it fun forensically reconstructing the story from the giblets splattered on the screen. Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

After THOUSANDS OF YEARS, we return to drag our ancient carcasses toward the finish line of Season 2. Political machinations (do they count as machinations when they're really dumb?) are coming to a head, while at the same time we do some incredibly clumsy 11th-hour nonsense to try to make the Black Hood plot interesting again.Maybe this episode isn't "Lost Weekend" bad, but it would have been a chore to get through without the healing ritual of recording this podcast at the end.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Hold onto your butts, the actual plot of the TV show Riverdale has come back, after what really has amounted to NINE EPISODES OF FILLER, and, I cannot stress this enough, DURING A NETWORK TV SHOW WITH RATINGS ABOVE THREE MILLION AT THE TIME.Our Black Hood's back, and there's gonna be trouble, and w...wait, what are we doing with this one character? Because none of it makes any fucking sense. Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

  Luke Perry has passed away, and that puts this whole episode in a much more morose light than it otherwise would be. Hopefully the insanity that is the Riverdale musical episode(!) will serve to remind us of what is joyous and whimsical in life.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward, "Betty McFaddin" by Kevin MacLeod

Holy shit, even though this episode might be a bit weaker than those that bookend it, it makes for an action-packed episode of RDARD.This is because there are TRULY HEINOUS Riverdon'ts, fist-pumping Riverdo's, and both the most Rob-Destroying Weekly Weird yet... and probably the funniest fucking thing that we've ever seen on Riverdale.Buckle up.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Riverdale's back, baby!This episode serves as a real wakeup call vis-a-vis what we ought to expect out of our ridiculous trash, and carries with it the merciful feeling that the filler arc (still can't believe that's a thing on a major network in the US) is at an end.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

This episode busts out the old soap opera playbook, and that badboy has color-coded post-it notes and well-worn pages by the look of it. There's no contrivance too unbelievable, no trope too over the top as this week's episode pursues its goal with single-minded determination:The adults in Riverdale must be shown to be just as ridiculous as the kids were last week.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

This episode, Riverdale drops the pretense of having a plot for the middle of Season 2, for the most part, and just revels in being as teen trash as it can possibly teen trash. And my god, is this an improvement.By turns heartwarming, hilarious, and extra as fuck, this episode is what we actually wanted out of this show. Until the end, anyway, when everything goes off the rails and makes no goddamn sense.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

This is very much an episode of two parts. On one hand, Riverdale calms the fuck down and actually focuses on advancing plotlines instead of just adding more nonsense that may or may not ever be seen or referenced again. On the other hand, Riverdale pulls a Machiavellian manipulation of audience expectations so incredibly devious that all three of your humble hosts are totally certain it was mostly by accident.Also, we are joined by a special guest, a very vociferous Shiba Inu with strong opinions about people coming to my door.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

We are pleased to present you with discussion covering an extremely puzzling episode of Riverdale. This thing is so very extra in so many ways, and at such odds with itself tonally, that none of us really know whether it's horrible or excellent. All we know is that we were captivated by the strangeness, like small, deep-ocean shrimp about to be eaten by an anglerfish.Anyway, please enjoy this Martin Scorsese fanfiction about regional food specialty-themed crime bosses.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

This week, we continue the Riverdale Filler Extravaganza with an episode about wrestling, and an ostensible super villain gleefully belittling the masculinity of a literal teenager. We do a bit of stuff with Chic, but it's looking like while we're going somewhere with this, it's nowhere good.Oh, and we do a big ol' Simpsons reference like that's clever or means something.RAM TOUGH.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

If there was ever a perfect example to point to regarding the difference between a STORY and SOME STUFF HAPPENS, this episode is it. Tons of stuff happens. Some of it is even good (a lot of it is not). And just about none of it has anything to do with... anything? Gone is the Black Hood arc, and in its place we have like seventeen other plotlines making about one minute of forward progress apiece.This episode feels like filler, and there's a thing with an FBI agent that's one of the dumbest things yet featured on the show.Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.Rob (@LordOfTheStith)Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)Kat: (@kat_kuhl_) Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward