Tales from the "LiberryCAST"

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") There are rogue patrons and there are Rogue Patrons and Mr. B-Natural, Grumpiest Old Man in All the World, was usually somewhere in between.  Not an evil human being by any stretch, but a tremendously cranky man, except when in the presence of his beloved pooch, Bubba.  Our main beef with him is that Mr. B-Natural was a guy who definitely took pleasure in annoying the bejeezus out of the library staff by blatantly breaking as many rules as he could get away with just to piss us off.  To hear him tell it, a library needs patrons who break the rules, otherwise we would have no reason to have rules at all.  (Which, I think, was exactly the motivation of Professor Zoom, the arch-nemesis of The Flash.)  So he continually signed his name upside down on our computer sign in sheet and tried to sneak his coffee back to the computers for his daily crossword.  These are but a few of his stories.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") When I was first planning this podcast, there were two entries from the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog that I knew I had to adapt. The first you can hear as the first episode. The next is this episode. For all the entries I wrote in my "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries" series, only a few were labeled as paraphrased and none were outright fiction.... well, except for one. I got pissed off at a certain set of real circumstances one day and started writing unreal dialogue. So I now present Non-Actual Conversations Not Heard in Actual Libraries #74--a completely fictional conversation between a number of real rogue patrons, inspired by actual events if not actual words.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") We're all neophytes at something in life, but the number of people who remain computer neophytes in 2012 is still pretty astounding to me.  Even more astounding are the people who are neophytes to libraries themselves--entire "famblies" of people who would only set foot in one if sent there by THEY.  This podcast tells a few such stories that befell me during my time working for a "liberry." (Featuring a guest appearance by Parka.)

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") One of the patrons who I assumed would remain my arch-enemy for the life of the blog was Grumpiest Old Man in All the World, Mr. B-Natural.  This turned out not to be the case, as by the time I ended the blog in 2008, Mr. B-Natural had stopped actively trying to piss us off and we had developed something of a grudging mutual respect.  However, he still had his moments where the old grumpy soul would flare through, especially when his beloved Wall Street Journal cross word puzzles were endangered.  This podcast also tells the mysterious tale of Mr. B-Natural's briefly adopted toupee.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Public service brings with it one constant: The Public. And not everyone among the public is an avid fan of bathing nor is capable of comprehending that noxious fumes are produced by their butts, nor the readily available ways to combat said fumes. This was a reoccurring problem at my "liberry" that drove me nigh unto insanity. Today's episode presents one of the simple and elegant remedies to our library's ass fume problems that I actually proposed to my bosses. As an added bonus, following today's reading is an interview with friend and former fellow library compatriot from another state, Glen B (no relation to Mrs. B), who will enlighten us as to the exact stench classification of some of the patrons in his library. He'll also enlighten us as to what one does when one's home is swallowed by a lake and how that smells afterward. This is one for the Hobo Power record books, gang.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") While not the stinkiest patron we ever had to deal with, the man who became known as Crusty the Patron was still counted among the worst of the stinky patron lot due to his tenacity in inflicting his stench on us for hours at a time. Crusty suffered from a number of other hygienic ailments that made working at my "liberry" downright unappetizing. And while I was not allowed to kick him out directly, I was able to find at least a temporary solution to the basic problems he caused for us without a direct confrontation.  (Don't eat any pastries while listening to this episode.) This ep also features appearances and references to Parka and the worlds second stinkiest patron, Mr. Stanky.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") I've often maintained that if a person is going to go around pointing fingers at the foibles of others (or recording podcasts adapting blog entries about the foibles of others), it's only fair for that person to occasionally point a few at some of their own.  I did this pretty frequently during the course of writing Tales from the "Liberry" and even devoted an entire week to it. Adapted here are a few entries from that week, as well as dumbass things I did beyond it.  Guest stars include Mr. Stanky, Mr. Perfect, my moms-in-law, and, unfortunately, my junk.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Way back in Episode 16 of this podcast, I started to tell the story of our penultimate stinky patron, Mr. Stanky.  So, 67 episodes later, I finally get around to picking up where I left off.   Mr. Stanky was a guy who was so eye-wateringly stinky that he defeated all comers from our air-freshener arsenal.  Astoundingly stinky... except when he wasn't.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") We're all neophytes at something in life, but the number of people who remain computer neophytes in 2012 is still pretty astounding to me.  Even more astounding are the people who are neophytes to libraries themselves--entire "famblies" of people who would only set foot in one if sent there by THEY.  This podcast tells a few such stories that befell me during my time working for a "liberry." (Featuring a guest appearance by Parka.)

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Back for the new year are tales of everyone's favorite puffy, white, Michelin Man parka-clad, innanet crowd patron, Parka. Detailed here are tales of his repeatedly thwarted efforts to drink his coffee while chatting with his e-skanks on our computers, what it might sound like were he to have been given a microphone with which to chat with them, his deep roots into the synchronicity fields surrounding our building, and his banning from the use of our computers at the hands of... himself.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Everybody has a secret these days. If nothing else, they have at least one computer password. We went through several at the "liberry" for our patron computers, mostly because our patrons kept hacking them. And, sure, we didn't always make this as difficult as we should, but people having the patron computer password wasn't exactly the end of the world. It was just irritating. And who among our patrons tended to be the ones who tried to hack us most frequently? Why the Rogue Patrons, of course. (Featuring appearances by Parka, The Evil Fed Ex Guy and the Devil Twins Auxiliary League of Neighborhood Kids)

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") For most of my "liberry" career, I was a part time employee. Once in a while, though, when EVERYONE else was out of town, I was called upon to take on not only a full 8 hour day, but sometimes a full 10 hour day, almost entirely by myself. This is when my experiments with real time blogging began to take shape. It's not all funny material, but it was often surprising. Guest stars include: Mr. Smiley, Parka, Kanji the Kid, Brent & Brice the New Devil Twins, Chester the (Potential) Moletster, and more.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Just when we thought we had it bad enough with frequent visits from Chester the (Potential) Molester, another seeming sicko fell into our midst. And, unlike Chester, this one actually had computer skills. He also had a habit of exclusively wearing a puffy white Michelin man winter parka in the warmth of April, so his nickname officially became Parka. While I didn't know it at the time, he would become the MOST chronicled member of the "Liberry" Rogues Gallery by proving himself to be the MOST irritating patron we had to deal with, in a multitude of ways. Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to play the Five Tacos and a Taco podcast game Dick, Douche, or Dumbass and see if you can tell which category Parka falls into best. Or worst, as the case may be. As an added bonus, the final story of the podcast features a magnificently satisfying tale of both a massively unprecedented event for our library as well as one of the aforementioned Chester getting his comeuppance at the hands of another library.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and this is the end of the weekly edition of Tales from the "LiberryCAST."  (You'll have to listen to it to find out why I put weekly in italics.)   Contained herein are some of the final entries I wrote as a "Liberry" employee, and one that I wrote afterward.  There are a number of appearances from prominent members of the Rogues Gallery as well as cameos by a few long lost "liberry" friends to boot.  

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") I loves me some Christmas Party.  Yessir.  Nearly my favorite kind of party due to high concentrations of fantastic food and drink and presents.  Our "liberry" Christmas parties were especially fun, as we usually did them potluck style and stuffed ourselves beyond full with the amazing dishes created by the wonderful cooks I worked with (and am married to).  But there are many varieties of Christmas party beyond the "liberry", not to mention just nutty seasonal crap to deal with.  This week's podcast explores the topic all around. (Features unfortunate guest appearances by both Chester the (potential) Molester and my colon.)  

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Among the five Grumpiest Old Men in All The World that I encountered and cataloged during my time at the "Liberry," the 3rd Grumpiest, Mr. Crab, was perhaps the most irritating on a day to day basis.  For while he was not as frequent a visitor as 1st Grumpiest Old Man, Mr. B-Natural, and did more to keep the library in business than 2nd Grumpiest Mr. Smiley (a man who actively campaigned to prevent us from building a new building), Mr. Crab habitually provided us with a greater volume of shit than any of the others. Today's episode continues to illustrate this, in addition to telling the tales of the two times in my life that I have been afforded the opportunity to impale him on a broom.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") In the past, I've chronicled small tales of Mr. B-Natural and Mr. Smiley, the first and second grumpiest old men in all the world respectively.  However, the third grumpiest old man in all the world actually proved to be one of the more active antagonists in the history of the Tales from the "Liberry" blog.   As I said last week, he's an honorary old white lady and for good reason; not only is he on par with the O.W.L.s in mere surliness, but he could go up against the worst of them in the Forgetting Your Library Card and Getting All Worked up About it to the Point of Leveling Threats Against the Staff 400 meter dash.  One for the record books, people.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") As you might have noticed, I'm an enormous nerd. Maybe not quite as nerdy as the Nerdist Podcast, but nerdy all the same. As such, I'm fond of heading out to nerd gatherings such as the infamous Dragon Con in Atlanta. In honor of this being Dragon Con weekend for 2011, I present some non-"liberry" tales of my D-Con experiences of the past decade. Included are dealer's room encounters with gerbil-cleavaged sci-fi heroines; Annoying Brit Track Boy's near-death-experience at the hands of both the panel audience and the 5th Doctor Who; an awkward encounter with Biff from Back to the Future, Harlan Ellison laying verbal waste to one and all; and, as always, the guy that played Boomer in the 70s Battlestar Galactica.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Having last appeared in the Bad Mom's 2 Mother's Day Episode, Ms. Green was not a bad mom, per se, despite assisting her son with his homework projects a bit more than would be educationally healthy for him.  She also distinguished herself by being one of our more exasperating patrons despite almost always being incredibly nice to us.  The primary reason for the conflict between our personality types stemmed from her refusal to understand simple concepts requiring no explanation without us supplying triple-ply explanation.  Well, that and her cell phone ringtone, which sounded like avian rape porn.  (And let me just say, I look forward to the Google Keyword search terms that find THAT when I next check Statcounter.)

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Okay, so it's a week late, but just like calling your mom for Mother's Day, better late than never. Today's episode is the sequel to last year's BAD MOTHERS DAY podcast which got rerun last week in place of this one, which was eaten by Audacity. So now, freshly rerecorded and spiffy and stuff, here's Bad Moms 2. Featured in today's episode are more tales of questionable parenting, featuring such bad parenting byproducts as Little Kayla, Holly GoHeavilly and the children of future podcast featured former Rogue, Ms. Green.

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Summer Reading, oh how it burns! Yes, it's the time of year when snot-nosed crumb-crunchers descend upon the "liberry" to craft crafts, hear stories, fill out reading logs and create chaos. That is, if their parents can manage to get them signed up to begin with. And who is the queen of Summer Reading Chaos? Why our old nemesis, Little Kayla, of course. (This episode also includes a cameo by Parka as well as one by his shag carpet of torso hair.)

(Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") From the cast of 16 And Pregnant to the Octomom, bad moms are in the news and are seemingly more common than ever before. And while the majority of the moms who I knew at the "liberry" were awesome, there were a handful whose parenting skills I at least had to question, when not being actively driven nuts by the ladies themselves. Welcome to the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Bad Mother's Day Special.

(Welcome to Best Of Week as Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Theatre is proud to present, the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Christmas Special: "A Christmas Carol Satan." Hark back to a time and possible alternate reality where Mrs. Carol Satan remained the Nastiest Patron Ever and we the "liberry" staff became bloodthirsty dispensers of "liberry" justice.  This dispensed with, the Ghost of Carol Satan and her other newly and rapidly growing number of deceased Rogue Patron brethren must band together to save the soul of the next rogue in line for a killin', before their eternity becomes any more hellish.

(Welcome to Best Of Week as Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") (Welcome to Best Of Week. As Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") When I was first planning this podcast, there were two entries from the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog that I knew I had to adapt. The first you can hear as the first episode. The next is this episode. For all the entries I wrote in my "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries" series, only a few were labeled as paraphrased and none were outright fiction.... well, except for one. I got pissed off at a certain set of real circumstances one day and started writing unreal dialogue. So I now present Non-Actual Conversations Not Heard in Actual Libraries #74--a completely fictional conversation between a number of real rogue patrons, inspired by actual events if not actual words.

(Welcome to Best Of Week as Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") When one works in a library, one hears a lot of conversations. Often they arrive in person, often by phone and sometimes by second hand retellings of tales from fellow employees. When I heard a good one, I tried to write it down for use on the blog. Sometimes they were funny. Other times just odd. And occasionally they were downright terrifying. These are a few of my favorites. (Guest starring Rogue Patrons: Mrs. Carol Satan and Barbara Turdmurkle)

(Welcome to Best Of Week as Tales from the "LiberryCAST" rockets toward its final episode, this is my chance to have a look back at some of my favorite episodes from this podcast adaptation of favorite blog entries from Tales from the "Liberry.") The second episode of the LiberryCAST features a classic story of both poor customer service and insane customer behavior.  It also marks the debut appearance of long time "Liberry" Rogue Barbara Turdmurkle on the podcast.

Okay, so way back in Season 1 Episode 16 of this podcast, I did an episode called Stanky Patrons and Other Dusty Turds.  In that, I introduced the concept of the woefully stinky patrons we often had to deal with at my "liberry" and it’s the first appearance of their king, Mr. Stanky.  And because the entry I was adapting in it ended with a quote about stinky patrons, originally penned by my friend and former library worker Glen B, I decided to call Glen up and have him read his own damn quote.  And afterward, we'd just shoot the shit for a while since we don't get to very often. Of the hour and two minutes we talked, I wound up only using 27 minutes for the podcast, which was mainly where the library talk happened.  But I threatened that one day I would release the rest of it because it too was good stuff.  Today is that day. If you've already heard Episode 16, the first 27 minutes will seem awfully familiar (though with a few DVD extra changes from the original aired version, such as the first draft of my awkward and line-flubby reading of the entry).  The rest has only been lightly edited.   If you haven't heard Episode 16, don't bother going back for it cause it's all contained herein.

Over the two years that I've been adapting entries from the Tales from the "Liberry" blog, there have been occasions when I've recorded entries for an episode and then removed them during editing.  Sometimes this was for purposes of keeping an episode below a certain length; sometimes because another entry in the same episode made basically the same point; sometimes because the entry just wasn't funny or satisfying to begin with; and sometimes because the sound quality of the recorded file turned out to be abominable.  Most of the time, I deleted those lost files.  But once in a while, I saved them for a rainy day, thinking I might one day need a B-Sides episode I could quickly throw together in case I needed a week off.  (Unlike last week, which I just took off with no substitutions.) This week's special episode presents a few of those saved entries, warts and all.  Interspersed between them, however, are a few tales featuring a member of the "Liberry" Rogues Gallery who somehow never really made it into an episode of the podcast.  Which is a tragedy, because he was the very first Rogue Patron I ever mentioned in the blog itself.  And then there's the matter of his secret identity.

For the penultimate episode of this podcast, I chose to tell some stories `bout my goodly wife. Unfortunately, because I recorded this particular episode, like, a month and a half ago, I've been doing callbacks to the references in it not realizing I hadn't made them yet. Among these references were the medical mission trip to Central America we both took in the mid oughts, and a brain tumor scare. One of those stories gets told this week. But several episodes back I also referred to the first of the rare occasions when I was able to actually surprise my wife with a gift on one of her major days. That story appears here as well. And, to wrap things up, I have a never-before-blogged-or-really-told tale from our time on the aforementioned mission trip--a story that involves giant condoms.

(A BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF A DUMBASS THING I'VE DONE THIS WEEK.) I've often maintained that if a person is going to go around pointing fingers at the foibles of others (or recording podcasts adapting blog entries about the foibles of others), it's only fair for that person to occasionally point a few at some of their own. I did this pretty frequently during the course of writing Tales from the "Liberry" and even devoted an entire week to it. Adapted here are a few entries from that week, as well as dumbass things I did beyond it. Guest stars include Mr. Stanky, Mr. Perfect, my moms-in-law, and, unfortunately, my junk.

And now, continuing my tale of finding myself in the untenable (yet fun) position of being an unreliable narrator of my own blog, today's podcast presents the second part of the Moving Days episode.  In it we are given our final appearance of the Patron Who Must Not Be Named, as well as the penultimate appearances of some other rogue patrons.

(BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF MR. KRESKIN'S APPEARANCE ON THIS WEEK'S PODCAST) One of the most astounding figures I encountered during my time at the "liberry" was our board president, Mr. Kreskin (not his real name). He was a very nice and capable human being, tirelessly juggling multiple complicated projects on the library's behalf. And from those projects arose many questions, only our two librarians were capable of answering for him. Unfortunately the ONLY time he was ever known to phone us at all were on the rare days when both librarians were out of town and unavailable. It was more reliable than Old Faithful. (This episode also includes a cameo by Mrs. Carol Satan.)

When writing the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog, I often wrote multi-part stories some of which would span a week at a time.  In July of 2008, I began a 21 part epic story called Moving Days that not only chronicled the journey my wife and I made in moving from Tri-Metro to a new home in Borderland, but also my library's move into a brand new building.  And I finished that epic story in September.   The thing is, I'd been playing something of the unreliable narrator for a while before starting that particular tale.  This was mostly due to the fact that I'd not actually alerted any of my readers to my library moving buildings, even though that particular move had occurred well over a year previous.  Yep.  Just forgot to mention it.  Hoped no one noticed.  Just went right on writing stories set within the new library, but failed to make note that the tales occurred in a new library.  And since you can't move the contents of a library from one building to another without a bunch of drama, there were loads of stories I'd been itching to tell for quite some time (some of which have already been adapted previously on this podcast).  So Moving Days laid it all out and told the tale in somewhat less-excruciating detail than it actually occurred, but possibly more detail than it needed to.   This episode part 1 of a 2 part episode which adapts some of that tale in even less excruciating detail.  Included in Part 1 is the battle between my library and Rogue Patron Mr. Smiley, Second Grumpiest Old Man in all the World, with the fate of the new library project in the balance.

(BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF MR. SMILEY'S APPEARANCE THIS WEEK) Booksales. They're a necessary evil when it comes to "liberries." Where else are we going to get rid of the piles upon donated piles of Chicken Soup for the Dickweed's Soul, or any given Mitch Albom book? But they're a colossal pain in the ass to have to organize, physically set up, and, eventually, take down, not to mention all those people you have to turn away donations from cause they insist on trying to give you the one thing you DO NOT ACCEPT: text books. And there's the matter of the horrible fate that awaits all the copies of The Five People You Meet in My Ass that are left over after the sale is through. Oh, and then there are the asshat used book sellers who refuse to play fair with other customers, try to sneak early peeks at potential prized tomes and who throw loud public tantrums when confronted about their asshattery. We know how to deal with them, as you shall see when you listen to this week's ep. SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Mr. Smiley, 2nd Grumpiest Old Man in All the World.

This is a special episode that doesn't directly adapt any of the entries from my original Tales from the "Liberry" blog, but which does feature an interview with a fellow former library blogger who was an influence on my blog. Natalie Biz was the author of Bizgirl, a library blog in which we got to read her adventures as a 20-something librarian in New Zealand. Along the way, we meet many of her coworkers and patrons, including a kid called Artemis who proved to be wildly inventive. When I first thought about what I wanted to achieve with the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" as a whole, interviewing Natalie was top of the list. For she managed to achieve a degree of library blogging fame that probably surpasses that of any other library blogger, at least to my knowledge. For Natalie was the first library blogger I was aware of to be fired from her job due to her blog. And the story of how her employers came to learn of her blog is one for the ages. So I thought it best to let Natalie tell her own story, via a recorded Skype session from New Zealand.

There are lots of blogs out there, and some of the bloggers who blog upon them blog about their workplace, coworkers and sundry crazy people they encounter on a daily basis. One does not have to look very far before discovering stories of bloggers who were busted (outed) as a workplace blogger and even horror stories of these busted bloggers subsequently being fired (or Dooced) for it. One might wonder, did I as a library blogger ever come close to such a Doocing scenario? Or, at the very least, was I ever "busted" as a "liberry" blogger? The answer (as you bloody well learned in Episode 121) is, of course, yes. But that was far from the only busting incident I endured. Nay, there were several others, the most disturbing of which was the day my bosses were told of my blog by none other than a former "liberry" employee. But which one? Find out in this week's podcast!

(A BONUS REPOSTED SHOW IN HONOR OF THIS WEEK'S EPISODE "BUSTED!") An odd tale of an odd bird encountered in the wild, AWAY from the "liberry" proper. Doc Ock Fetishist Woman was never a patron, but she was about as nutty as any of our patrons ever got. Not a bad human being in the slightest, just exasperating. In fact, if she has committed any crime, it's probably that she cares too much... about inanimate objects. Also included in this tale is the story of the first time I was busted as a "liberry" blogger. Having your secret identity revealed to you is always disconcerting, but is even more bewildering when it comes with a large dollop of synchronicity on top.

(BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF CHESTER'S PENULTIMATE APPEARANCE ON THE PODCAST THIS WEEK) Pedophiles: Public enemy #1. You've tried smelly sprays and perverticides, but pedophiles can smell too. They avoid sprayed areas and keep coming back for more. What you need is CHESTERKILL... ...Oh, I can't do it anymore. I so want to make light of our library's resident pedophile Chester the (Potential) Molester, but I just can't stand to do it. He was never a joke to us when I worked there and he's still not now. Unfortunately, guys like Chester, who have more than a dusting of interest in underage girls, are a part of life when you work in a library. They don't tell you in the interview that it's part of your job to defend the patrons these sick bastards might (or might not) like to prey upon. But when you see them in action, you gladly do it because every fiber of your being screams for you to. And Chester was particularly infuriating for many reasons, but two primary ones: 1) monitoring Chester's activities when he's in the building becomes a full time job from the moment he arrives; 2) Chester above all other patrons can magically appear at the sound of his own name. This is less of a Funny Ha-Ha episode and more of a Holy Shit, I Can't Believe That Guy Is Walking The Earth, Where's Chris Hanson When You Need Him? kind of episode.

I personally had many enemies (rogue patrons) during the writing of the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog.  However, the collective library staff and at least one of the members of its board of directors had an arch nemesis for the better part of a year--a "book hoarding bizatch" I called Kammy K.  She was a lady who managed to keep an interlibrary loaned book on the topic of retarding the effects of the aging process for well over 9 months, resulting in our library being banned from any more loans from the library that had loaned it to us.  No amount of letters, phone calls, or personal visits we attempted were met with any success in getting it back, to the point that legal action was our only recourse.  Learn how it all came to a head in this very podcast Also features an appearance by Mrs. Carol Satan and the penultimate podcast appearance by Chester the (Potential) Molester.

An assemblage of seemingly random tales (no, I didn't roll actual dice to choose them this time), of fun, frustrating, exuberant, and occasionally mystifying experiences I had from across the spectrum of my "liberry" career.  Guest stars include, Cap'n Crossdresser, Barbara Turdmurkle (though you have to squint to see her), a bunch of patrons asking questions with perilously obvious answers, and a rather famous personage once portrayed by Mr. Robin Williams.

Among existing "liberry" patron archetypes, Conspiracy Guy and Stoner Lad are probably two of the more universal ones.  Every library has them, sometimes in multiples.  We did as well, but there were two specific people that embodied these roles for me.  Alas, by the time I began to write my blog, they had more or less moved on.  But on one perfect night, they afforded me a glimpse of their combined powers of archetypical representation.  (Now who sounds like they're on drugs?)

Those of you who have ever had service through DirecTV probably already know this, but it has been my experience that it sucks ass.  A lot of ass.  Copious amounts of ass.  And not in a good way.   I don't want to say that as a media distribution corporation they're a bunch of dirty liars willing to tell you anything you want to hear to get you to sign up, knowing full well that by the time you discover how much they've been lying to you in the first you'll be past their trial period and locked into an 18 month contract with them and subject to massive fees should I wish to discontinue service... but certainly the employees of DirecTV that I dealt with in just such a situation were in fact all dirty liars willing to tell me anything I wanted to hear to get me to sign up for their service, knowing full well that by the time I discovered just how much they had lied to me, I'd already be under the 18 month contract and subject to massive fees should I wish to discontinue my service.   Unfortunately for them, they'd never before had to deal with a bowel monkey as angry as mine.  Nor had they yet had the misfortune of crossing my wife.  

One of the patrons who I assumed would remain my arch-enemy for the life of the blog was Grumpiest Old Man in All the World, Mr. B-Natural.  This turned out not to be the case, as by the time I ended the blog in 2008, Mr. B-Natural had stopped actively trying to piss us off and we had developed something of a grudging mutual respect.  However, he still had his moments where the old grumpy soul would flare through, especially when his beloved Wall Street Journal cross word puzzles were endangered.  This podcast also tells the mysterious tale of Mr. B-Natural's briefly adopted toupee.

I'm no stranger to anniversaries.  They happen every year.  I've tried to keep secrets about my wife's birthday that have left me stranded and screaming in the middle of an interstate on more than one occasion after she pulls those secrets out of the air, seemingly by means that might even be unholy in nature.  Eventually, I learned that a little bit of preventative maintenance went a long way in terms of keeping said secrets.  Unfortunately, getting my wife to actually pay attention to my desire to keep my big yap shut is sometimes a more difficult process than setting up those secrets to begin with.  You just can't win with her.  Or, in my case, you can't often win.  These are but some of those stories.

IN HONOR OF MY IMPENDING WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, AND THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PODCAST THAT SHALL ACCOMPANY IT, HERE IS A BONUS REPOSTING OF LAST YEAR'S WEDDING ANNIVERSARY-THEMED PODCAST. Wedding anniversaries: for me they happen every year and this year my 12th anniversary just happens to fall on the day this episode drops, Sunday, February 5. So, because I have a sum total of ZERO football stories from the blog I could slip in here to create a different theme, and because I love my wife (those excuses may not be in the right order), I shall tell an off-blog yet-still-blog-like tale regarding a mystery anniversary concert the wife arranged for me for our 3rd anniversary, way back before Tales from the "Liberry" even began.

I'm no stranger to car troubles.  I've owned cars that have left me stranded and screaming in the middle of an interstate on more than one occasion.  Eventually, I learned that a little bit of preventative maintenance went a long way in terms of keeping me unstranded.  Unfortunately, getting my mechanic to actually pay attention to me and fix the problems I could clearly hear were there was sometimes a more difficult process than dealing with a dead car.  These are but some of those stories.

There are many books that are problematic for libraries.  However, beyond the contractor's manuals, the three major tomes that created the most headaches for us were "The Da Vinci Code," "A Child Called It," and "The Five People You Meet in My Ass."  These were wildly popular books that were perpetually on hold for EVERYONE.  (We just cut out the middle man and automatically put patrons on hold with each new library card issued.  Saved time.)  Yep, these books blew the curve for all others because they were nearly impossible for patrons to read due to their high popularity, and, in one case, high incidence of theft.

Looking at the subjects studied in this week's podcast, I note that they are three separate men who skeezed out or were otherwise nasty to our staff during three separate decades, the 80s, 90s and 00s.  Then, all three returned in the oughts to skeez out a new generation of library assistant, i.e. me.  Join me for the tales of Mr. Creepy Guy, Mr. Butts and the patron known only as Red Alert.

One of the most colorful of our area eccentrics was a lady that we and the rest of the town knew as The Purple Nun.  She was a lady who was always garbed in a purple nun's habit and carried the lifestyle to new and astounding levels.  Hers was a strange and interesting life, which we only learned of via bits and pieces gleaned from the stories told of her by others.  And pretty much everyone had a Purple Nun story to share.  This is mine.

Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Theatre is proud to present, the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Christmas Special: "A Christmas Carol Satan." Hark back to a time and possible alternate reality where Mrs. Carol Satan remained the Nastiest Patron Ever and we the "liberry" staff became bloodthirsty dispensers of "liberry" justice.  This dispensed with, the Ghost of Carol Satan and her other newly and rapidly growing number of deceased Rogue Patron brethren must band together to save the soul of the next rogue in line for a killin', before their eternity becomes any more hellish.

I thought I'd wrapped up all my Christmas-based entries in a nice bow in the 2011 ChristmasCAST, but it turns out I missed a few.  And a glorious few they are!  Among the tales featured this week, we have a holiday tale of complaint and revenge delivered Santa-stle by board member Mrs. Day.  And the tale of a Christmas miracle featuring none other than our formerly nastiest patron ever, Mrs. Carol Satan.