The Brothers Karamazov and Friends

A juxtaposing of cultures. As we stumble fearlessly right into Book 9 of The Brothers Karamazov, the tiny-appendaged Melissa Taylor joins our always-tweeting host Phil Malcom during this riveting and rather violent reading. Among the many completely accurate and fascinating topics they explore are patricide; the nobility of a not-as-noble-as-we-might-assume character; semiautomatic handguns; and the similarities and differences between cabbage pies (“a bad surprise”) and Runza sandwiches from Nebraska. Listeners will also be delighted to meet two more special friends this episode who sit silently in wonder of this audio book: Rachel Swartz, who would definitely drink a Margarona if she were Mitya, and Jackson the dog, who is a dog. It's totally still The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, in which the commentary almost always falls beneath your already low expectations.

A time to renew. We return with our season three installation of TBKaF to explore the gloriously scrupulous pile of Russian pages known as a “supreme achievement in literature,” as cited by Wikipedia experts. Reconvening in our expensive podcast recording studio is Laura Malcom, previously the GIRL-friend of our beloved host, and now the Bride of Philip. (Tweet them a congrats!) After reminiscing about their day of wedded bliss—heralded by one hundred talented recorder players—Phil and Laura expertly navigate the not-so-shallow waters of our characters' loooong journey. Join us as they interpret allegorical names, almost-orgies, passionate kissy-face scenes (narrative only), love slaves, and more PG-13-heavy plot devices. It's still The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we laugh because we don't understand some of the words.

A reckless gallop into the unknown. Please join our host Phil Malcom and his special guest Stefanie Reinsch, devoted reader of only the longest Russian novels. Together in this hour, Phil and Stefanie learn several valuable lessons, including but not limited to: "Poles love money and kolaches", "Dimitri Fyodorovich is a werewolf", and, last but not least, "Sometimes you can't get people to come to your party because they all have lice". As for the story itself, it charges forward, beginning with a desperate horseback ride that culminates in a bizarre party-planning session with a peasant. Will Dimitri's lustful passions end in bloodshed? It remains to be seen. Are there gypsies around? We can only hope. Will we ever finish this very long book? No one can know. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we don't know enough to know that we should fear the unknown.

An episode of false assumptions. In this week's reading of The Brothers Karamazov, Dmitri is mistaken about the nature of an old woman's charity, and our humble readers are mistaken about the proper amount of whiskey someone should consume while recording a podcast. Carrie Todd joins us at the readers' table with her small reindeer-dog, Lulu and mistakenly assumes that she can break the unwritten no-swearing policy. Yes, dear listeners, there are some swears. Our alarm quickly calms, however, as Carrie assures us that “sometimes adults say words.” On this week's episode we are also delighted to read about Dmitri's upcoming lavish party, at which guests can expect to enjoy up to four watermelons. In the midst of all this, Carrie brags about her iPhone, and our two readers engage in a spirited debate about the nature of Dostoevsky's death. Words are mispronounced, dogs squeal, and a whole lot of peanut butter-filled pretzels are eaten. It's pretty much a clusterbleep.

In this completely adequate introduction to the second season of our long foray into the endless pile of pages that comprise the greatest novel of all time, Phil is joined by two former guests, each Dostoevsky scholars, who encourage him to continue his quest to read a very long novel. The journey is long, and the path is fraught with dangers, but Mme. Kerns and M. Huckabee voice their strong support. “Read on! Read on!” they say. And so we shall. Join us this week as we remember heartwarming/confusing/unfortunate moments from our first season (some of which are probably better left forgotten) and look ahead to a new collection of characters, chapters, and chaps. Lindsay and Tyler offer suggestions for ways to spice up the second half of the novel, and Phil listens quietly. Is this the best way to revive your interest in a book so long it took us 23 hours to read the first half? Perhaps not. But listen anyway! It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where you always get what you pay for.

A new hope. Join our friend Bryson and our host Phil as they imbue our podcast series with new energy, aiming to contradict all so-called "realists" who nay-say our humble quest. Indeed, there are those who say, "It cannot be done. This book is too long. It is too Russian. There is not enough vodka." To these milquetoast critics, we offer our condolences. But to our dedicated listeners who dare to dream, to those of you who ever bravely embarked on an utterly ill-advised journey, may this podcast continue to serve as your beacon of irrational hope. After all, this is The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, a podcast persevered upon in the praise of folly as much as in friendship.

A little love fest. Join our host Phil and our friend (and Phil's GIRL-friend) Laura Hendrickson, for another delightful chapter in what is sometimes a delightful book. Things start getting steamy for Alyosha Karamazov and Grushenka, and they start heating up for Phil and Laura, too -- but don't worry, gentle listener, that is only because "the room is hot". Join us for gags, giggles, and wine goggles. It's a special episode of The Brothers Karamazov and Friends with Benefits...where the benefits are somber scholarship and perspicacious ponderings.

A tale of smells. Join our host Phil and our friend Tanner Huckabee, a proud graduate of Georgetown University, as they merrily make their way through the miasma of a meaty chapter, "The Odor of Corruption". Oh yes, there are stinks and spirits, wenches and worries to be encountered, but all these are met with vim and vigor by our venerable host and guest. Tanner entertains us with a decidedly redneck interpretation of Russian accents, and also interprets Alyosha's voice with what can only be described as the polar opposite of a Mickey Mouse voice. All in all, this is a very fine episode. As fine as it gets here on the Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where fine is far more than we ever expect.

A mystical discourse. Join our host Phil and our friend Emily Lance, a famous tweeter (if by "famous" we mean that she is approximately one megazillion times more popular on twitter than one certain Phillip Malcom) as they finally finish Father Zosima's seemingly endless speech. Amongst many inspired and inspiring topics, they explore ware-hawking, nasal-robots, smelly-priests and kissing-judges. There is also lots of talk of ecstasy and hellfire, as one might come to expect. One particular highlight of this episode is the surprise visit of additional friends: Adam Fieldson and Aaron Chambers. So many friends! So many brothers! It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where there are just so many things. So many things.

In which we are solipsismal. Join our host Phil and our friend Marc Koenig, Jr., a man of letters, as they wonder and wander through the end of Father Zosima's seemingly endless speech. For those of you who tired of the wise elder Zosima's previous ramblings, take heart: this chapter of his tale sings with secrets and scandal. Some of these secrets are so secret that Marc and Phil feel compelled to whisper them almost inaudibly, an interesting stylistic choice for an audiobook. Along the way, they encounter margin-writing, heart-stabbing, and another tangential and non-revelatory discussion of the nature of Russian duels. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends: slightly less offensive than talk radio.

In which our throats are sore. Join our host Phil and our guest Lindsay as they read several pages in the same throat-scratchy old man voice. To make matters worse, Lindsay suffers from a debilitating cold while reading. She perseveres, and so should you. Suffer with us, listeners, as we listen to the “very brief” ramblings of an old man on his deathbed. We learn, among other things, that Father Zosima was not always an old man, that he once participated in a duel, and that he has a clever plan for converting the world with exactly one hour of Bible reading every week. Lindsay shares an interesting reading of the name “Father Paissy,” and we learn about a saint who once converted a bear with a loaf of bread. It's the Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where knowledge isn't power.

In which we face another direction entirely. Join our host Phil and our friend Mike Hennings as they abandon the rocking chair and take to the stairs. Mike, recipient of a Guggenheim Fellowship, an Elks Club Scholarship, and several Colonel Mustards, honors us with his presence and whets our appetite with some repetitive vocal warm-up exercises before he goes on to unearth many layers of complex characterization: himself as Christian Bale as Batman as Smerdyakov, and so on. Phil and Mike discuss the metaphysical nature of podcasts, buzzmarket both of their twitter pages, and learn that there was probably nothing better to do in 19th century Russia than drink vodka, speak in very long sentences, and be crazy. It's another imperfectly decent episode of The Brothers Karamazov and Friends. Remember, gentle listeners: we don't punish people for their stupidity, so don't punish us for ours.

A bruised pageantry. Join our host Phil and our friend Joanna as they dig deeper still into the grandest of grand chapters: that of the Grand Inquisitor. In this episode, you will hear voices within voices within voices, as Jo and Phil perform Ivan, Ivan's performance of the Grand Inquisitor, and Ivan's performance of the Grand Inquisitor's performance of Jesus. Jo surprises and delights us with a rendition that wavers between Joey Tribbiani from FRIENDS and a vaguely Italian schoolyard bully, and she also tells us an exciting tale of giving herself a black eye in order to win a pageant in elementary school, the veracity of which is unproven. Join us for an ever-entertaining continuation of this Russian epic. This is the Brothers Karamazov and Friends: not very grand, but very inquisitive.

A dark chapter. Join our host Phil and our friend Topher if you dare, as they bravely proceed and grandly inquire in deep and deeper waters. Many friends have requested to read this chapter with Phil, but Topher, entirely inexperienced in things Karamazov, is the unsuspecting chosen one. Do not be alarmed, gentle listener, when Topher makes borderline racist comments and talks openly about his hatred for Russians. It is best to pretend he is probably joking. Still more, take heart when we encounter descriptions of terrifying Turkish torture, and when we face profound philosophical paragraphs that span pages and pages. Endure with us, listeners. It's the Brothers Karamazov and Friends -- where it is best to pretend we are probably joking. Except, of course, when we are not.

In which we are a threesome. Join our host Phil and our friends Aaron and Elissa Holmes for an hour of caressing voices, languid looks, and womb metaphors. Avid listeners may recognize the soft-spoken British-Russian accents of Aaron, who guested on Episodes 0 and 1, and everyone is sure to be at least moderately entertained by the anecdotes brought to us by Elissa, who relates a woeful tale of a professor who mocks his students' stupidity. Their playful banter, however, is interrupted for one frightful minute when their power goes out and they are (probably) abducted by aliens. Fortunately, the extraterrestrials must be fans of very long Russian books, because they return our guests in time for them to roll their r's deeper into impending patricide, lovely guitar interludes, and dark blue velvet jackets. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we never mock anyone for being stupid.

In which we end our hiatus. In which we rise from the ashes. In which we return like the King and the Jedi. In which we're baaaaaaaaaaack. Join our host Phil and our friend Nick Dahlquist as they bravely lead us back to the quest in question: reading a very long Russian novel. For our most dedicated TBKAF listeners, Nick's voice will ring familiar. Yes, he is the very one who whipped together a delectable apple pie and served it to our host and guest in episode five. What a literal treat that pie was, and what a literary treat it is to have him back on the program! This episode teems with even more tasty treats: hunchback girl voices, whiskbroom incidents, foul female air, and finger-biting are amongst the many highlights. We also learn that "Everyone knows that Russian boys are born with a horse." Did you know that? We certainly didn't. But this is The Brothers Karamazov and Friends, where we don't know everything that everyone knows.

A tale of lords and lands. Join our host Phil and our friend Gary Young, a lawyer, landlord, and learned man, as we venture ever deeper into this tale of progeny and patricide. In a circumlocutory introduction, Gary and Phil confirm that anything you may have heard about the historical figure Albert Watkins is 100% true, and that you should not believe anyone who tells you his history is invented by a bunch of kids with overactive imaginations, because anyone who says that is definitely wrong and doesn't know anything about anything. Moving along, they encounter dark and stormy minds with falsetto voices, grapple with siren interruptions, and engage in an enlightening discussion about Dostoevsky's use of the words "suddenly" and "strain". Gary shows off a Russian accent that exceeds our (low) expectations, and also reveals that he (maybe) once had rabies. Will the excitement never cease on this podcast? It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends: full of surprises, some of them good.

In which we get involved with school boys. Join our host Phil and our friend Jake as we press ever onward into a very long book. Jake introduces us to his surprisingly diverse menagerie of voices, ranging from Star Wars standards like Yoda and Vader to Looney Tunes characters and, of course, our classic Mickey Mousekovich. We follow Alyosha's interactions with his favorite kind of people (12 year old school boys), as well as a conversation between some church-men regarding demons hidden in clothing, also known as demons of the cloth. Don't be alarmed, gentle listener, when Jake mistakenly believes the monks to be referring to penises instead of demons, leading him and Phil to a crippling bout of laughter. Our progress is only sidetracked for a few minutes by this sophomoric misunderstanding, and swiftly we move on to more elevated subjects, such as noodles, noddles, and Portuguese whisk-brooms. Need more be said? No. It's the Brothers Karamazov and Friends, and no more need be said.

In which we drawl. Join our host Phil and our friend Grace Ladd, who is wont to drift into Southern accents when she finds herself in life-threatening situations. Truly, we didn't know how dangerous this podcast really was until Grace started drawling like a Confederate all over the place. But Phil and Grace bravely face the peril of Russian hussies, Chris-Traeger-style-dissolution, and potential patricide. The only disappointment arrives near the end, when Phil opts not to literally interpret Grushenka's "singsong voice". Will next episode include a melodic segment, or perhaps even better, an all out variety show? Perhaps hosted by Regis Philbin and starring Wayne Brady? No. No it will not. Let's not get our hopes up too high. It's the Brothers Karamazov and Friends. Just those two things.

In which we enrich our minds. Join our host Phil and our friend Matt Clay, a banking man who lends us his voice and his wisdom, providing at least one moderately valuable insight into the Karamazov family feud over finances. They continue through a very deep and very drunk epistemological conversation between the Brothers Karamazov and their father regarding the existence of God and/or cognac, and Matt passionately throws an apocryphal "freakin'" into the prose. They meander on to discussions about whipping, birching, and bitching, and Phil treats us once again to his Alyosha Mickeymouseovich voicework. Invest some time with us today. We just might pay you back.

A family affair. This week our host Phil is joined by his friend, teacher, and mother, Mrs. Susan Malcom, as they continue our nice little book about a nice little family. Together they make a valiant attempt at Russian accents, and muse over topics like Tikki Tikki Tembo, brothmakers, and people who look like eunuchs but are not eunuchs. Phil shares a barely relevant but well-told bedbug anecdote, which will serve to amuse and concern sensitive listeners, and Mrs. Malcom clarifies that this bedbug incident did not occur in her house. Later in their conversation, the subject turns again to epilepsy, prompting us to wonder why Phil is so fascinated by people falling down unexpectedly. Some queries are answered, many quandaries remain, and some quarries are best left unexplored. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Family -- like Friends, except not.

In which we read on and on. Our host Phil and our friend Tom, a salty seaman and coffee connoisseur, sail boldly into darker and deeper waters in this vast Lake Baikal of a book. Phil exhibits a particular knack for drunken Russian voices, and Tom treats us to a suave, poetic, spirited, and ecstatic rendition of Dmitri Fyodorovich's suave, poetic, spirited, and ecstatic monologue. They also invite you, gentle and media-savvy listener, to join in friendship and conversation by tweeting and twittering with any and all of the following hashtags: #ithinkthisiswhattomstruestatementis, #thebrotherskaramazovandfriendsepisode7, #whatthehellisawattlefence, #sensualityisastormandmorethanastorm, #verilyverilyitburns, #manisbroadandeventoobroad, #flamesofmeekindignation, and, of course, #dostoevskyisnumberone2345678. Pour yourself a White Russian and enjoy listening to some dramatized drunken speeches by white Russians. It's the Brothers Karamazov and Friends, #reallygoodatinventinghashtags.

¡Episodio de diversificación! Nuestro presentador Phil y nuestro amigo Aaron Chambers nos invitan a compartir una experiencia multicultural, leyendo el podcast entero en Español, con un poquitín de Ruso y Francés. Sondan los límites de su capacidad para traducir con palabras como "cloud-berries", "shrieker-wives", y "dragon-babies", y se meten en el debate problemático de los méritos de la flagelación contra los de la flatulencia. Se destaca también que siguen una serie de notas a pie de página, y que luchan con valor pero sin resultado para contestar la pregunta de si el voto de silencio aplica a todos los orificios. Acompánenos para Los Hermanos Karamazov y Sus Amigos: una manera excelente de aprender el Español.

A tale of two Phils. Our host Phil Malcom and our friend Phil Hamilton confront seminarians, seductresses, and Schiller's Robbers in yet another hour of a very long Russian novel. All of that is well and good, but even more well and more good are the surprise visitors that pay a visit at the 13 minute mark. Yes, the Brothers Karamazov are joined by even more friends, and these friends bearing tasty confections! What a treat, what a literal treat. Other highlights include the introduction, in which the Phils collaborate on a delightful flute and piano duet, as well as a later conversation, in which one of the Phils shockingly reveals that he hasn't listened to any of the previous podcasts. Which Phil committed such a scandal? You might have to tune in to find out. Or you might not. One of those two things.

In which we introduce the podcast. Join our friend Aaron as he interviews our host Phil and digs deep into the mythological roots of TBKaF, asking hard-hitting questions like "Phil. Describe The Brothers Karamazov in ten words or less. Go." (To which Phil's answer was, SPOILER ALERT, "The Brothers Karamazov is a novel about greed, lust, and.") Their discussion, rich with thorough Wikipedia research, cites such scholars as Martin Heidegger, Richard Dawkins, and William Shatner, amongst others, and delves into topics like bad film adaptations, Russia's Golden Age of Crazy, and how to pronounce "Karamazov". In a surprise twist, we also learn why the subject of epilepsy has always resonated with Phil, which really explains just so many things. For those who love really long Russian novels, this episode may provide some mild laughter and a couple of insights. For those who hate really long Russian novels, what is wrong with you?

In which we even yet continue to continue the book. Our host Phil and our friend Chris confront Montanism and Ultra-Montanism but not Montana in yet another captivating chapter of Dostoevsky's greatest book. Tune in for some excellent voicework, as well as a terrifying moment in which Phil and Chris almost lose their place on the page. Delve deeper into TBKAF's hot-button issues as they grapple with the ever-raging debate about the precise meaning of our "no re-do's" rule, and consider joining forces with the hundreds, nay millions, of people who boycotted our Twitter and refused to submit punishment ideas. (Show your support for their cause by NOT tweeting #sobeit!sobeit!12345678!) Other highlights include Phil's wry anecdote regarding a bossy homeless man and a McDonald's every-flavor shake, as well as some insightful reflections about human soul connoisseurs, unicorn beekeepers, and severe self-castigation. It's The Brothers Karamazov and Friends. They do, and so should you.

In which we continue to continue the book. Our host Phil and our friend Tyler address some recent concerns regarding our three rules, and they recommend some potential punishments for rule-breaking. Unable to invent any truly inspired ideas themselves, they invite you, gentle reader, to submit your favorite methods for punishment and torture. (Tweet submissions with the hashtag #NoRedos.) Amongst many other profound and perturbing subjects, they go on to discuss pap-sucking, bestiality, and the Women of Faith Conference. But the real treat here comes around the 40 minute mark, when Phil interprets literally Dostoevsky's description of a character's "singsong voice", and Tyler follows suit by improvising a melodic interpretation of his own. You will not regret tuning in to the Brothers Karamazov and Friends! Unless, of course, you do.

In which we continue the book. Our host Phil and our friend Taylor blaze through the rest of Book One, delving into complex subjects like breastfeeding, purse necks, and "birds vs. lizards". They struggle again with a questionable tendency toward Fat Albert voices, experiment with honeyed lisps, and wait in suspense as Taylor thinks she might sneeze. In a not-so-surprising twist, Phil breaks not one, but two of his own rules. But the real treat in this episode is Taylor's inspired rendition of the famous "hooks in hell" monologue, performed with no less than four different dialects. There are probably better ways to spend an hour. On the other hand, maybe there aren't.

In which we begin the book.Our host Phil and our friend Aaron read through the first four chapters of The Brothers Karamazov, learning valuable lessons about Russian accents and taking turns. They also read the Introduction, which is a real drag, and delve into dark and troubling questions about duels, Siberia, and Russian orgies. There are better ways to spend an hour. And also there are worse ways.