There Will Be Crossbows

Two brothers come into a large fortune and promptly open up their own McDonald's franchise, but will their lack of business acumen sink the venture before it even gets afloat?

The Suburbs: the most dreaded frontier of the modern age. In this ruthless, action-packed episode, terrorists begin their hostile takeover of the a neighborhood, only to get sidetracked with second jobs and malfunctioning security robots. Also at some point the episode just becomes about pizza. Sorry about that.

Royal family drama ensues in this shocking new episode of Crossbows! Follow the adventures of Rutherford, Bea, and Hayes as they navigate a shifting monarchy after the death of the king.

Two poor saps kicked out of their choir on the same day face entirely different destinies after they try to salvage their careers at the local jazz club open mic night.

A young boy questions his faith in a provocative episode that quickly spirals out of control and becomes about Tilda Swinton.

When a child is forced to wear an unusual Halloween costume by their parent, all hell breaks loose in a town infested by entomologists.

From picking out salad dressing to eating human faces, this episode runs the gamut. We're sorry in advance for all the people we insulted in Hungaria, which is definitely a real country.

Survive the frozen wasteland that is Alaska. Bears, guns, global warming, and craft beer all pose dangerous threats in this special episode dedicated to the 49th state!

It's a Crossbows Mini-Sode! A kiddo gets his dream gift in the form of many horrific insects, Ozzy's autobiography gets cleaned up by his ghostwriter, and a very mysterious pandemic afflicts a very dumb person. All this and more!

In this epic mini-sode, big game hunters and presidential assassins argue ethics, and we learn why having all your neighbors on speed dial can be a disaster.

Wow, our first live show in 8 years! We booked the fanciest venue available to us, James's living room, and performed in front of an enraptured audience consisting of three of our family members! It doesn't get grander than that, folks. To top it off, we bring back the legendary "TrivProv" format as a throwback to the historic Bonner Springs improv scene circa 2008. Don't miss this once in a lifetime event!

It's a mini-sode! A couple of braniacs solve global warming, but have trouble stopping it. In a bonus scene, the Olympics comes to Tennessee!

It's a Crossbow mini-sode! Acclaimed actor Hayden Christensen tries to recruit more students for his acting workshop.

It's a Crossbows Mini-sode! A con artist gets his comeuppance and a black market dodo bird egg is the subject on intense negotiation.

It's a Crossbows Mini-sode! Enjoy a quickly escalating altercation with a paperboy and a wish-granting hamster!

It's a Crossbows Mini-Sode! Enjoy our three-part "Neighbors" arc.

What is improv, if not breaking apart something into little pieces of material? Please, don't reflect on that sentence, it makes less sense the longer you thing about it. The theme is "granulation", and we go from a hostile intern takeover of the sugar factory to a behind-the-scenes look at acclaimed actor Hayden Christenson's award-winning performance as Anakin Skywalker. Enjoy the whole episode in one go or listen to three-second segments once daily over the course of the year.

Order! Order in the podcast! Has one word every implied so much coordination, organization, and control as "order"? No, at least not until we debut our brand new word, "Controorganization" next week. For now, you'll have to make due with this episode filled with virtual reality gone wrong, oligarchic tornados, and chaos in the kitchen. Listen now, and then please alphabetize the other 96 episodes by this afternoon.

In a very serious, down to earth episode, the very laws of physics are challenged. An astronaut gets sent to certain death, wacky Isaac Newton comes up with a crazy discovery, and the president finally has to deal with climate change. Enjoy the episode before everything comes crashing down!

Nothing like "Soup" at the beginning of summer! On this episode, an orphanage looks for ways to cut costs, a food truck owner questions his business decisions, and a culinary reality show goes off the rails. Enjoy this one while it's hot!

Listen up, cause it's time we finally talked about the unsightly fleshly appendages which allow us the gift of hearing at the expense of being unsightly fleshly appendages. A little kiddo keeps getting his ear-doctors fired, the Italian Vincent Van Gogh shows his eccentricities, and an a cappella bassist with a rather unfortunate face comes up with a hit song. Use your ears to listen to "Ears"!

It's Jiggle Time! In what is probably the least stable episode yet, James and John riff on the many uses of the word "jiggle" in a free-form improv set. A young man is put to the test of adulthood by his cruel father, the dance callback for CATS goes awry, and some dumb criminals attempt a simple breaking and entering job. You'll be jiggling with laughter at this silly show (or possibly, you're having an allergic reaction to the improv and we should probably take you to the hospital).

Mmm, shrimp! As any good improvisor knows, food makes the BEST suggestion for a longform show, and this is no exception. A restaurant customer's deep hunger can't be satiated, a weakling hits the empathy gym, and the Shrimp Shrack tries to expand its menu. Pop a few of this episode into your mouth and don't think twice!

Clop, clop, clop -- it's time for a whole improv show based on the most beloved of tropical fruits, the noble coconut! Tropical Tony hires a Coconut Boy to help him advertise, two poor saps find themselves stranded on a tropical island, and a pair felons escape to the Maldives only to be pursued by hitmen sporting questionable foreign accents. Before you enjoy the episode, make sure to knock your fist against it a couple times just to make sure it's ripe.

Thish eeshpidos off Thrawiba Croshbrwo - oh, sorry, let me take these marbles out of my mouth so you can understand. It's a brand new longform-style improv show from the Crossbow dudes, and the theme is "Marbles"! Michelangelo coasts through a commission in Renaissance Italy, a couple of kids find their passion, and a home remodel unburies more than family memories. Bring yourself back to a simpler time by enjoying "Marbles"!

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE MADE A NEW EPISODE IT'S CALLED LOUD AND IT'S A LONGFORM IMPROV FORMAT THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE AND - oh, sorry, you're just right there. Inside voice. Got it. Two engineers try to solve a very unmysterious mystery, a feud develops between local bell-tower operators, and a baby runs off for the enchanted forest, only to be pursued by the one and only Jim Morrison. Play this one with the volume MAXXED OUT!

This week we try out a classic longform improv format to shake up the show a bit! The dark truth behind Settlers of Catan is revealed, a colonization mission to Mars is rife with family drama, and a man has a very interesting approach to designing his home. Expand your own horizons with this wacky episode of Crossbows!

The weather is getting warmer, so we all got PATIOS on the mind, right? Well, instead of spending time outside, why don't you enjoy a patio-themed improv show instead? A guy mansplains his way through a wine tasting, some friends attempt the Biergarten Challenge, and Berb's Discount Patio Furniture gets an unusual customer. Sit back and enjoy the imaginary sun!

Has one word ever yielded so many possibilities? Yeah, probably. But this week's theme is "note", so that's what you get. An over-expressive actor gets kicked out of the high school musical and gets creative revenge, a student gives her friend a very considerate rejection to a love letter, John practices being a good Christian woman, and James sings Nickelback. Enjoy the episode, and write all your favorite parts down somewhere before you forget!

If you want the wurst German accents you've ever heard, then this week's podcast is for you! James and John have differing opinions on sausages, little Hans gets breakfast brats from his Mutter, and Grandpa dies from (you guessed it) eating too much bratwurst. It's a very subtle episode.

Shiny as a trumpet and loud as a trombone, it's an episode almost as precious as its metal namesake, "Brass"! Two band buddies have to make a tragic decision during auditions for first chair, the king of Switzerland is sent gifts from foreign am-brass-adors, and a car mechanic gets a mysterious new customer. Have a listen to this brand new episode before it oxidizes!

Like a sudden light of inspiration above your head, this episode will shine through the darkness to bring you a flash of luminescent comedy. And if you're wondering, yes, I do hate myself for writing that sentence. John explains why Predators keep him from gardening, a hardware store customer gets three wishes, and a pirate buries an unconventional treasure. Have a listen and brighten up your day!

We're trying to capitalize on other popular media involving Vision, so here's a whole episode about it! John discusses his various laser surgeries, a state fair attendee has to decide between a corndog and his wife, and a degenerate watches such obscene internet videos that his eyes rot out. All this and more unsightly things! Have a listen and make sure to give us a 20/20 rating!

Oh, God! This was supposed to be a gardening podcast, but it got exposed to radioactive waste and now it's turned into IMPROV COMEDY! AAAAGH! Listen in horror as James and John weigh in on useless superpowers, St. Peter takes it easy at the pearly gates, and a poor two-headed child is tormented by face-licking. Quick, listen, before this thing grows out of control! Check out the full video episode on our Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmwBI2tPApkwK6l-JqQvnAg

The theme is "Juice", so whether you're a sugar junkie, a regular junkie who just loves improv, or a literal lump of sugar who has come to life and wants to experience human entertainment, this one is for you! James and John hash out their vastly different juice preferences, a parent accidentally gives her child an adult beverage, a secret agent mucks it up once again, and lots more. Ignore your dietician and join us for a good wheeze of the juice! (For a full video version of the podcast, click here: https://youtu.be/4VgXglQ70Z8)

Allow us to indulgently express our true selves with this compilation of deleted scenes, each revealing a different part of our tormented souls. Like the scene where elephants have sex with bad stand-up comedians while they're performing, or the scene where two guys try to sell bulk kittens on the internet. What do these scenes say about your own inner psychoses? That's for you and your therapist to hash out.

No need to double-check your GPS, you're right where you're supposed to be. In our "Map" episode, we travel to destinations both physical and metaphorical in an exploration of what it means to be a human, specifically a human listening to an improv comedy podcast. John gets lost by trusting the questionable navigation on his budget cell-phone, Ponce de León is surprised by his discoveries in Florida, the writer behind Dora the Explorer reveals his secret, and so much more. For the full effect of this episode, listen in the car while missing your highway entrance.

In one of the strangest themes in the history of the show, we've done a whole episode on "sentient ovens", and if you're the type of person who stays up late at night whispering sweet nothings to your kitchen appliances only to feel emptiness inside when they don't respond, then this one is for you. And even if you're not that type of person, you probably have your own weird stuff going on, so you should listen too. This one is too weird to even write a synopsis on, but all you need to know is that there is at least one RoboCop AND one Terminator appearance, but they aren't in the same scene so don't get too excited.

Hold on to your seats, 'cause it's an entire episode on "Office Chairs"! Look, we know, office chairs are possibly the single most overused source of comedic material, but for good reason: they're hilarious! A chair? In an office? Bwahahaha!!! Anyway, we think we have a really unique spin on this one, so give it a shot. James unknowingly assimilates into his brand new high-end gaming chair, the pope adjusts to his new job, and a whole staff of employees reaches nirvana. Sit down, adjust your height with that little plastic lever, and enjoy!

In the most boring episode of anything ever recorded, it's "Milquetoast". This episode is so bland and uninspired that you're bound to fall asleep within the first three minutes. You'll sleep through James and John talking about bread (yawn), an unusual take on a classic "Our Town" scene (god that play is boring), and a song about a boring person with a boring time machine. Save the money on your subscription to Calm, cause this one will knock you out faster than a drunk baby in a boxing match. The drunk baby is the one that gets knocked out in that metaphor, by the way. I realized re-reading it that it sounds like the drunk baby is a super good boxer, which now that I mention it I sort of want to see that movie, huh? But don't be fooled, nothing in this episode is nearly as interesting as that.

We're kicking off the new year with a new episode, and this week's theme is "Barnyard"! Put on your overalls and round up the hogs, 'cause we got a long day ahead of us. James details his failed barnyard-themed wedding proposals, Old MacDonald and Young MacDonald are confronted with generational divide, and the ugly duckling adeptly handles being bullied. With an oink-oink there and a neigh-neigh there, you can listen to this episode anywhere!

It's the final year-end bonus episode! This one is a retrospective of our favorite commercials from 2020. Our sponsors are the best in the biz: completely fictional and contributing no profit whatsoever to the podcast. Here are all the best ones of the year!

Let the festivities continue: it's our top ten favorite improv scenes of the year! We've recorded over 200 scenes this year, so if you only want the cream of the crop, consider it done! Make sure to hop over the the Crossbow Club on Facebook after listening so you can vote for Scene of the Year!

Today's installment of our year-end retrospective series is our favorite interviews from Crossbow University! We bring in loads of special guests, all of whom are clearly us doing voices, to answer pre-recorded questions under the guise of being lessons for a highly questionable educational institution. Here are the best ones of the year!

Our sendoff to a hellish year continues with the best songs of 2020! Every week we feature a ridiculous new tune, sent partially completed by one of us to the other without any guidance on how to finish it. Hear our favorites all together for the first time in the closest thing to a Crossbows comedy album that you can get!

It's the first episode in our special end-of-year series! Count down to the new year with There Will Be Crossbows as we roll out a new episode each day this week. Today, it's our favorite Amazon Reviews of 2020! Have a listen and then make sure to drop by the Crossbow Club on Facebook so you can vote for your "Amazon Review of the Year"!

In this episode, we're wrong about pretty much EVERYTHING, so get your palm ready for face-palming. A quick discussion about the weather quickly degrades into aimless complaining about corporate greed, a little kid begrudgingly reveals why he still believes in Santa, and the contestants of a beauty pageant show their unusual talents. This episode is way better than listening to your moron uncle spout conspiracy theories over the holidays!

Ribbit! The slimy green ones get their day in the sun (frog doctor's note: direct sunlight is not recommended for frog health) in this week's "Frogs" episode. James is visited by three magical frogs in the middle of the night, John turns several bad drivers into amphibians, and a couple of drunk drivers get pulled over by a cop who asks a lot of questions. Don't let this one hop away before you can catch it!

Like the sharp sound of your favorite baseball player hitting a home run, this episode brings you back to your childhood, a claim that we're basing on the assumption that you grew up listening to a lot of improv comedy podcasts. John makes a deal with the underworld to preserve his "youth", Emily Dickinson finally gets to meet Death, and a fellow struggles with a particularly tough walnut. Have a listen to this episode before it completely shatters!

A special theme episode to warm you up for the holidays! This one is all about relationships, and it features a gaggle of scenes that were cut from previous episodes, a slightly smaller gaggle (a giggle?) of new content to flesh out the theme, and the triumphant return of "Questions and Answers", one of our original formats. A couple finds a mysterious vault in the basement, a vigilante tries to enact violent revenge on the trains that have wronged him, and we see both sides of an ugly inheritance situation in a song we resurrected from seven years ago. Don't miss this one, or you'll be forever lonely!

Put your dukes up, this week's theme is "Melee"! It's all-out, close range improv, and EVERYONE leaves this episode bruised and bloodied. John roughs up a stranger in the street, the Mortal Kombat guy encourages children to commit violent acts, and we sing a tribute to the heroes of a classic 8-bit video games. Have a listen, cause this one is a knock-out!