Live Kid Free

Motherhood is revered to a degree that is impossible to ignore.  At a basic level, reverence is recognition for moms, similar to recognition at a job or in any other role that a woman plays in society. At the extreme, reverence is a creepy exaltation and glorification of the role of Motherhood. Those who live kidfree hear it all the time: “you'd be a great mom!” as if it's the most valuable contribution we can possibly make and the highest honor to which we would be crazy not to aspire. One reason people rever mothers, is because on some level, we acknowledge how much motherhood can really suck, and we rever their ability and willingness to endure the suck.

In some societies, and increasingly in the US, women don't have the right to control their bodies, they don't have reproductive choices, they have no agency over the role they play in society, and their safety and security and status depend on their fertility.  Privilege is something that we often don't consciously see unless we're looking for it. If you are a person of any degree of privilege, once you start to understand what that privilege looks like and you actively start looking for it, you will find it absolutely everywhere you look. Where choosing to live kidfree may not be a universal right, it is a universal privilege, and I'll explain three reasons why. You can be safe You can support yourself financially You can do things other than have babies In this episode, I dive into why having the ability to choose to live kidfree as a woman is a privilege that is both beautiful and badass.

Love is love. This slogan has become synonymous with LGBTQ acceptance and equality. It means that all forms of love are equal and valid and beautiful, no matter who you are and who you love. Despite your personal beliefs, this slogan is, at its core, a rather obvious and indisputable statement of equality. As childfree people, we are often told by parents that we will never experience true love because we don't have children, that we will never know what love means because we don't have children. This is one of the most common and probably one of the most hurtful put-downs parents will throw at us. So, in honor of Valentine's Day, I am reminding you, childfree people, is that our love, is love too. That our love matters, that it is just as powerful and valid and valuable and beautiful as parents' love. This episode is short and sweet and full of positive affirmations, I hope you enjoy!

According to the CDC, the US birth rate hit a record low in 2020 to a level that the Brookings Institution calls “considerably below replacement levels for the foreseeable future.” While the US population is still increasing, the rate of growth has slowed dramatically: it dropped 4% from 2019-2020 to 1.6 children per woman. This episode explores five reasons why I personally think preferences are changing towards fewer or no children: Women have money Motherhood sucks Life is expensive Our worlds are bigger Societal strife

At the beginning of 2021, when I was setting my intentions, I told myself that I would build such a boss kidfree life that no one, not even me, would ever question me again. For far too long I have struggled with inner conflict about my choice to live kidfree, but the pandemic really validated my perception that a traditional nuclear family life can be miserable and stressful and unsustainable. I have seen countless expressions of gratitude and relief pouring out of the childfree community ever since covid intensified early last year as we collectively witnessed the nightmare that parents continue to suffer from and suffocate under. As 2021 fades to black, I thought it was a good time to reflect on what a boss kidfree life actually means to me, so I'm sharing three aspects of how I personally think about it. These are more philosophical and spiritual things, almost like guiding principles more so than lifestyle-related aspects of a boss kidfree life. They are: Letting go of attachments Not trying to change other people Not playing into obligations

Being childfree is a choice and lifestyle that can inspire immediate and visceral emotional responses from people, while other lifestyles or pursuits are not particularly scrutinized or triggering. A person who aspires to be a parent is viewed as normal and wholesome, while a person who aspires to live kidfree is often viewed as neither normal nor wholesome. I view people who react to childfree people with judgement and indignance and disdain as, essentially, basic. In reality, most people lack the intelligence, introspection, curiosity and awareness needed to manage their own thoughts and emotions around the idea of living kidfree: they simply get triggered and react with fear and emotion rather than reason. In an effort to further normalize our lifestyle, I came up with three analogies that I think may be useful when trying to process your decision to live kidfree or when helping others understand why you might want your life to look different from theirs.

When I launched Live Kidfree, I did so because I felt like I could add value to a childfree conversation that was dominated by fear. When it comes to living kidfree, and specifically to a person's decision or choice to do so, my goal is really to help you alleviate some of the inner conflict and negative emotions that childfree folks experience as they struggle to reconcile their choice. On International Childfree Day, I challenge you to practice empathy. Listen as I explore three “mom concepts” including mommy brain, mommy martyrdom and “mombie,” all of which may inspire you to consider choosing a path of empathy and acceptance for moms rather than a path of judgement and resistance.

One of the more common reactions people have to those of us who live kidfree is, “who will take care of you when you're old?” Many people have kids at least partially for this reason. Nobody wants to die alone, right? I think the idea behind this is, as a parent, you sacrifice so much to raise your children, that said children are forever indebted to you and therefore obligated to care of you when you can no longer care for yourself or don't want to care for yourself. In this episode, I explore four reasons why I abhor the idea of parents having children for this reason, including: It's selfish It's presumptuous It's a cop-out It's unfair

It can be really, really difficult to be a childfree person whose friends are all becoming parents. In my episode “Coping with losing friends to parenting,” I talk about my belief that friendships rooted in mutual respect and commitment can endure when one person has a baby, but I also acknowledge that many friendships don't endure. Ultimately, if you expect too much from your friends when they become parents, you will be let down. This episode is about adjusting your expectations of your parent friends. I say “adjust” rather than “lower” because they aren't necessarily lower, they're just better suited to the reality of the situation that you're trying to cope with. Changing your thoughts to a position of positivity and empowerment when going through this exercise is everything: setting your own, reasonable expectations is more about preserving your own peace and sanity than it is about holding others to a defined standard. Six ways you can adjust your expectations include: Expect to flex Expect to be a lower priority Expect the friendship to change Expect to be annoyed Expect to be and/or feel left out Expect to make new friends

Domitilla is a female name of Italian origin that means “tamed” or “little tame one.” I am increasingly aware of the fact that a) American society is completely and utterly patriarchal b) we haven't progressed as much as we have been led to believe and c) the amount of progress we have been led to believe has occurred is yet another patriarchal construct that must be illuminated and destroyed because that degree of progress has not actually occurred! Part of my aversion to motherhood is the aspect of being a mom that requires being “tamed” in a way that is consuming, unique and severe. The data also supports this: women are far more likely to look after sick children or elders, spend more time on domestic [unpaid] work, and take on the emotional labor of parenting. Yet women are also frequently the ones managing not only childrearing household responsibilities, but are making money and managing household finances. So, in reality, today's family structures are increasingly matriarchal, as in, controlled by women, yet men continue to enjoy the home field advantage pretty much across the board. I came up with three reasons why the self-actualization (a.k.a “untaming”) of women threatens the patriarchy: It threatens the dominant patriarchal narrative that women can and should and must be mothers It threatens the socialized norm that women must “own” the majority of the emotional labor of parenting, while men are free to conveniently opt out when it doesn't suit them It threatens the exponential population growth of the human species This episode explores these ideas and validates your intuitive assumption that motherhood, at the end of the day, can be a bad deal for women.

Privilege is something that we often don’t consciously see unless we’re looking for it. If you are a person of any degree of privilege, once you start to understand what that privilege looks like and you actively start looking for it, you will find it absolutely everywhere you look. Where choosing to live kidfree may not be a universal right, it is a universal privilege, and I’ll explain three reasons why: You can be safe You can support yourself financially You can do things other than have babies In this episode, I dive into why having the ability to choose to live kidfree as a woman is a privilege that is both beautiful and badass.

Every generation has had its distinct parenting challenges, and in response to those challenges, novel parenting styles and philosophies and mantras have been touted as the antidote to those challenges. In my book, three of today’s distinct parenting challenges are covid, social media and climate change, and very few parents seem to be coping all that well, understandably. Having kids isn’t just about the kids. It’s about signing up to be a Parent, and an active participant in Parenting culture, which to me, looks pretty savage and downright miserable most of the time. The words “competitive sport” come to mind. I fully believe people can love their kids and simultaneously hate the role of Parent. In this episode, I explore why covid, social media and climate change make 2021 an especially sucky time to be a parent, and make me more grateful than ever to live kidfree.

While it's normal for childfree people to be asked why they don't want kids, asking a parent why they want or have kids can be seen as taboo. I’ve taken the liberty of identifying a few reasons why I think people want or have kids.  1. Their family life growing up was amazing and they want to re-create it 2. Their family life growing up wasn’t amazing and they want a do-over 3. They meet someone who makes them want kids 4. They want to feel unconditional love without having to earn it 5. They want to feel needed 6. They want to be a better person and need a forcing mechanism 7. They are bored 8. Everyone around them is having kids 9. They are terrified of being alone or dying alone 10. They crave purpose and legacy 11. They think they will regret not having kids 12. It’s the only lifestyle choice they have ever considered

In honor of International Women’s Day, I allowed myself to imagine a new world. A world in which women are so empowered and have so many equally amazing opportunities they are free to pursue, that being a mother is no longer the primary goal to which they are socialized to aspire. A world in which the costs of motherhood increasingly outweigh its benefits, and women are less interested in having babies as a means of personal fulfillment. A world in which women are more determined to rule the world and less willing to rule the roost. And lastly, a world in which non-moms are valued equally to moms. What does that world even look like? In this episode, I dive into the implications, specifically for men, hetero relationships, and most significantly, the future of human procreation.

My dog is, unequivocally, a reason I am no longer married and a reason I neither have nor want children. The pandemic has been a win for dogs. According to the Washington Post, shelters cleared out, foster dogs were adopted at double the pre-covid rate, and breeders had waiting lists. At the same time, due to covid, Americans are having fewer babies: a June 2020 report from the Brookings Institution estimated the US could see as many as 500,000 fewer births in 2021, a 13% drop from the 3.8 million babies born in 2019. The fact that there has been an increase in demand for pets and a simultaneous decrease in demand for babies is not only interesting, but in my opinion, related. My dog, Cinco, was not only a catalyst that eroded my marriage, he was also what validated, beyond any shred of doubt, my intuitive feeling that I could never, ever, have children with my ex-husband. If you are a pawrent who is currently evaluating whether you want kids, or want to have kids with your current partner, you’ll want to tune in. In honor of my fluffy companion, this episode explores 5 lessons I learned from pawrenting with a partner.  

A parent who “doesn’t gamble” is, in fact, a gambler. Bringing human life into the world is the ultimate gamble with the highest possible stakes. There are three reasons why it’s helpful to think of procreating as a high-stakes gamble: It’s risky: between physical risks to the mother, mental and emotional health risks and the potential for kids to destroy relationships, it’s safe to say having kids is a risky bet. The odds are not calculable: a human isn’t a mathematical equation whose output is a function of the input. The range of potential outcomes from having kids is infinite with an emotional spectrum of bliss to misery. The outcome is uncertain: it’s a box of chocolates, and you never know what you’ll get! When a woman is pregnant, she is said to be “expecting.” “Expecting” goes hand in hand with “accepting” the fact that having kids could bring devastating heartbreak as much as it could bring unbridled joy. This episode breaks down four things I think people tell themselves before they place a wager in favor of parenting.

It’s a bizarre exercise to think about who you were a year ago, when you didn’t know covid existed. What were your resolutions or intentions for 2020? What was top of mind for you a year ago? What were you planning to do or be or accomplish? There is no denying that we have all grown immensely more than we would have on a “normal” year, so if you haven’t acknowledged this, or given yourself the love you deserve, please do so immediately. Covid gave many of us permission (in the form of a mandate) to take time out, to interrupt our routines and thought patterns and behaviors, to sit with ourselves, by ourselves, and face a few things we otherwise may not have had the opportunity, courage, time or space to confront. A few practices I took from 2020 include: Learning to love my own company Being intentional with my time Cultivating peace and clarity amid chaos and discomfort Managing my mind One of the many gifts of living kidfree is being able to curate a life that brings us the joy, adventure, challenge, hardship and beauty that others fulfill by being parents. Childfree people spend entirely too much time and energy defending who we are, justifying our lifestyle, and validating our existence to others as well as ourselves. So I intend, for this year and all years to come, to build such a boss kidfree life that no one, including me, will ever question me again. In this episode, I expand on what 2020 taught me and how I plan to build my boss kidfree life!

It’s interesting how curious we are about whether women have children, especially is she is being recognized for an accomplishment that has nothing to do with children. She could cure cancer and her uterus would somehow still be relevant to the conversation. So, why the curiosity? I think it’s because motherhood is revered to a degree that makes it impossible to ignore. At a basic level, it’s recognition for moms, similar to recognition at a job or in any other role that a woman plays in society. At the extreme, reverence is a creepy exaltation and glorification of the role of Motherhood. Those who live kidfree hear it all the time: “you’d be a great mom!” as if it’s the most valuable contribution we can possibly make and the highest honor to which we would be crazy not to aspire. People are revered for two potential reasons: fear or awe, with reverence for moms deriving from the latter. And the reason people are in awe of mothers, is because on some level, we acknowledge how much motherhood can really suck sometimes, and we admire their ability and willingness to embrace and endure the suck. The thing is, reverence doesn’t work in moms’ favor, and in fact, it works against them where it really matters. It doesn’t benefit kidfree women either, as it is frequently weaponized against us. This episode exorcizes the reverence of motherhood. It’s a doozie, you should totally listen, and your mom friends should too.

If you think “RIP friendship” when your friends become parents, you aren’t alone. You also aren’t a terrible person. Can we all just admit that it’s sad when our friends become parents? Yes, we love them. Yes, we are happy for them. But we also grieve the loss of a friendship that, while it may endure, will never be the same. Perhaps this loss is a mutual feeling: I’m sad she is being taken away from me while she may be sad that I won’t be walking the parenting path with her. Regardless, it’s undeniable that a baby causes an inflection point in all of its parents’ relationships, and not all of those relationships survive. So why do we feel sad? I have bucketed this into three major reasons: I will become a lower priority for my friend My friend will never be the same My friend will become a Parent I also have a few words of [unsolicited] advice for kidfree folks who are not only feeling sad about losing friendships, but are also feeling guilty or ashamed for feeling sad. Listen as I dive into the reasons why we’re sad and help you change your perspective so you can preserve precious friendships.

Ever since covid intensified in March, our lives have been in a state of constant flux. What the pandemic has exposed, among many things, is how we define our comfort zone as individuals, communities, and nations, and how flexible and adaptable we are (or aren’t). What we are comfortable or uncomfortable with has gone from a semi-conscious reaction to a continuous, real-time calculation. Much of what we would define as “comfortable” is simply an absence of strong emotion, positive or negative. It’s neutral. It’s your resting heart rate. Nothing exciting or devastating happens in the comfort zone, but no personal growth happens there either. I think two things have the ability to shape our comfort zones in very different and powerful ways : Fear, and the role we allow it to play in shaping our lives Awareness, of what fits or doesn’t fit with who we are One reason I don’t have kids is because, being a mom is not in my comfort zone. Am I afraid of having kids? Yes. Do I fear being a mom? Yes, I believe I do. Have I challenged this fear? Absolutely. Have I challenged it by having a kid? No. Listen to the podcast episode as I expose the two co-creating forces that shape our comfort zones, and share some ideas of how you can challenge your fear if you’re deciding whether to have kids.

If you want to live kidfree, you are either celibate or engaging in some sort of birth control. And while women and men are both equally responsible for not having a baby, it’s really women who ultimately shoulder most of the responsibility. This double standard on birth control is real. We have to manage and control our bodies in ways that men don’t. While this is an unfortunate reality, I would also never trust any man (or really anyone other than me) to shoulder this responsibility on my behalf. It isn’t because men are dumb or incompetent or careless, it’s because I genuinely don’t believe men have been taught to take ownership over birth control the way women have. Also, I have a lot more to lose should there be an “oops.” If you are a man who wants to live kidfree, I have some solid advice for you: Take ownership over and actively participate in birth control. Don’t assume anyone other than you is going to take responsibility for protecting you. Just because you don’t want kids, doesn’t mean you’re off the hook if you get her pregnant. Birth control is not failsafe and there are risks and potential for human error that you can help manage. The least you can do is be aware of what she needs to do to not get pregnant with your child. Get involved in the process so your partner doesn’t have to shoulder this massive responsibility alone. A vasectomy is an easy option for you. The equivalent procedure for women is costly, invasive and is both difficult and demeaning to obtain. People who don’t want kids do have them, and do regret it, and you could be one of them. Pay attention. Show up. Get involved. Add value! Listen to the podcast if you want to know how to be an amazing birth control teammate!

I chose my top five reasons for living kidfree: Family has never been the center of my universe. I don’t want to live in a state of constant fear and anxiety. I have never been with a man whose children I wanted to have. Parenting is a bad deal in US society these days. The role of parenting simply doesn’t interest me. Listen to the episode as I dive into the dirty details of these fabulous five reasons!

As kid free folks, we have all been called “selfish” at some point, whether it was directly, indirectly or passive-aggressively. We have come to expect it, we have heard it, we have engaged it, we have ignored it, and we have also deeply internalized it. It’s an accusation that is top of mind for critics of our lifestyle who don’t know how to understand or process our lifestyle and choose not to mind their own business. The fact that we focus our time, energy, resources and attention on people and pursuits other than procreating, makes some people’s heads explode. At the end of the day, someone’s perception of me as selfish is not about what I’m wearing, where I’m going or what I’m buying: it’s about my ability to choose me, to prioritize me, and to have agency over my life in a way that parents may view not only as indulgent, but woefully impossible.

Of all the circumstances in which one can live kid free, now has to be among the most glorious. I have four specific reasons why: Avoiding the parenting shitshow I want nothing to do with the cocktail of emotions parents are experiencing right now. Fear, anxiety, guilt, stress and inadequacy come to mind. Nurturing my well-being Being able to prioritize my physical, emotional and mental health is an absolute gift. Quarantine feels borderline indulgent sometimes. Being a support system Supporting your loved ones through this mess is of an act of service these days. Parents are struggling right now, but so are non-parents: everyone’s struggle is real. Noticing habits and reevaluating priorities Social distancing has exposed my tendency for social distracting. Turns out I’ve been investing time in activities and relationships that don’t add a whole lot of value to my life and in some cases, are actually detrimental.

As covid rages and we are all “voluntarily” hibernating, I feel grateful. Apart from my health, paycheck and home, I feel grateful to have made choices in my life that haven’t left me overexposed, emotionally or financially. Covid preys upon individuals who are old, weak and sick. But it also is preying upon our collective stress and anxiety in ways that are ubiquitous and inescapable. I’m calling this episode “part I” because I don’t think we are anywhere near “the end” of covid and I know this conversation will continue to evolve. So far, I’ve come up with these ten reflections: “Home” is no longer the sanctuary it is romanticized to be; now it’s another battlefield in the war against covid. “Normal” will never mean what it meant to us even 2 months ago. The kid-free community is exempt from an absolute shitshow on the parenting homefront. It’s a GREAT time to be childless, and kid free people feel validated that our lifestyle is being recognized and appreciated in a way it arguably never has before. It takes a global pandemic for many people to see the value in a kid free life. Similar to 9/11, covid is an event that will reverberate around the world, in every society and culture, for years to come. If there is one lesson I hope parents learn from covid, it’s a massive reality check on how many “co-parents” they actually have in the form of a complex web of support systems. Covid is proving that parenting without support systems is overwhelming and miserable. There will be a renaissance for the kidfree community post-covid. Post-covid, I hope there will be more awareness of consciousness around the decision whether to procreate.

Many kid free people are quick to cite freedom as both a reason for and benefit of being kid free. Freedom means totally different things to different people, depending mostly on how we define restriction, confinement or limitation. Whether it means traveling the world, pursuing a hobby, socializing with friends, pursing a career or creative interest, or just living day-to-day on our own terms, I think we can all agree that none of us agree on a freedom formula. There are five “freedom themes” in the kid free community that define our unique perspective on what freedom means to us: Choice: the ability to do what we want, when we want Unencumbered: not feeling dragged down by an inescapable burden Control: having the agency over our lives to avoid unpredictable derailments Boundless: rejecting the rigid and limiting social construct of parenting culture Fearless: avoiding the all-consuming, fear-mongering shitshow that defines modern parenthood.

This episode explores (and kind of destroys) the concept of legacy and puts it in the context of living kid free. The topic of legacy is Daunting Relative Egotistical Familial Having kids doesn’t guarantee anyone a meaningful legacy, unless all you care about is perpetuating your genes in the gene pool.

This episode explores how FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) manifests for those of us living kid-free, and what we can choose to aspire towards instead. The frustrating reality of FOMO is that the fear we feel, which is a legitimate and tangible feeling, is based on our belief that the alternate [better] reality or situation that we imagine is also legitimate and tangible. Which is completely absurd because we literally invent it in our brains. It is a dream. But we give the dream so much power over us, we end up suffering from self-imposed feelings of guilt, shame, isolation, angst and insecurity. We create our own misery. At the end of the day, FOMO is rooted in three detrimental thought patterns: We can and should compare our lives to the lives of others “The grass is always greener” We are victims of circumstances we can’t control  

Choosing to live kid-free is not always cut and dry, and it’s an easier choice for some people than it is for others. I think the spectrum of ease ranges from “I never wanted kids, next” to an agonizing, consuming, multi-dimensional, existential struggle that may temporarily subside, but never really ends. And for others, there is no choice, and they must accept living kid-free regardless of how they may feel about it. I honestly don’t think we can talk about The Choice without having a conversation about fear, which is probably the most visceral and powerful human emotion. When entertaining the idea of a kid-free life, fear is everywhere, lurking in many forms.  

The kid free conversation has evolved substantially over less than five years. Topics that were previously discussed on blogs or closed Facebook groups are now published in TIME, The New York Times and Huffpost. It’s as if there is a sudden imperative to be provocative, to be authentic, and explore deeply human topics that were previously taboo. This episode dives into how I describe the current kid free narrative: Defensive Indignant Resentful Taboo Contentious Evolving Powerful Explosive!  

People who want kids don’t often get asked why they want them, so I’ve taken the liberty of identifying a few reasons why I think they do. 1. Their family life growing up was amazing and they want to re-create it. 2. Their family life growing up wasn’t amazing and they want a do-over. 3. They meet someone who makes them want kids. 4. They want to feel unconditional love without having to earn it. 5. They want to feel needed. 6. They want to be a better person and need a forcing mechanism. 7. They are bored. 8. Everyone around them is having kids and it feels like the next step. 9. They are terrified of being alone or dying alone. 10. They crave purpose and legacy. 11. They think they will regret not having kids. 12. It’s the only lifestyle choice they have ever considered.