Trek By The Numbers

We genuinely can't figure out what Gul Dukat would drive. He's too complex to distill down to a single car.

Josh can't remember the title of the most notorious book in (neo)liberal economics, which really sets the tone for this discussion of property rights.

Things got off the rails but it seemed appropriate, given the attempted coup and all. It's a scary world, find some comfort with us.

Discovery Season 3 is Actually Good. That's it. There is no joke. If you (understandably) got turned off by season 1 & 2, check out season 3. And hey kid, grab yourself some cubed meats.

Andorians, those fun blue folks with antennae? They're not supposed to have ears, but sometimes they do. And when they do... We're also drinking deep of wisdom of Jeffrey Combs this episode.

Oh, I'm sorry - you thought this was going to be about the Klingon High Council? No no no, it's all about Tom Clancy and Chris Isaak.

With friend of the show, Jesse Balzer! In honor of Thanksgiving, we're covering the TNG movie Insurrection, because it's about the forced relocation of peoples at the hands of a hegemonic power. Above all else, remember: Mr. Baaku, may I?

We tried talking about mundane things on the ship, but all we got was Makeout Point, cigarette burns in the battle bridge, and Big Shrimp.

See it's like Behind the Music but it's the Neck.

Election Special live from Skrain, AL! We talk about how the Federation, as a government, functions.

Who is Doctor Crusher, really? Turns out she's a good doctor, an ok-to-middling mother, and an expert botanist. Too bad Picard stabbed her husband with a Nausicaan.  Follow us: @TrekByNumbers

Riker is a tragic character:daddy issues, low self-esteem, and a prisoner of his own libido. He can't make real connections or friends, even though he's surrounded by colleagues that respect him. It's a sad tale, told by idiots; full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. 

Barclay. What's that guy's deal? He seems nice, at least. Does he get a happy ending? We turn to the "beta canon" novels to find out.

Miles sure loves yelling at babies. Ghosts have taken over the bodies of 3 officers (androids are susceptible to ghosts?) and want only to escape their eternal imprisonment and torture. Picard says "lol, no" and that's that. But yeah, Miles holds his family at gunpoint in a surprisingly smart script that is hampered by Insecurity Violence.

NickTate.com is here to put in a delightfully heartfelt performance in a very stupid episode of DS9, so turn off your brain and enjoy NickTate.com's performance as Miles, working as an intelligence asset with the worst handler ever, befriends and betrays the Loneliest Mobster.

There's some new Trek on the horizon, and it's.... kinda good so far? At least the first episode is! We unpack it, we throw out some brilliant ideas (Alex, call us), and we say stupid things.

We did it, everyone. We made it to The Episode We Always Make Oblique References To. The one where Miles O'Brien hucks his daughter through a time vortex, and also yells at a baby. This also begins our examination of the Life and Times of Miles Edward O'Brien.

Hey, how are you, huh? How were the holidays? Did you go to your aunt's..? Oh, I see. Yes, nice to see other parts of the family too. Oh, me? Well... 

It's more Khan, bay-BEE!

Part 1 of the Thanksgiving Special is here for you with return of friend-of-the-show Joe. It's The Wrath of Khan, the one legitimately good Star Trek movie. And it's such a treat. Enjoy and thank YOU for listening.

"Bow" like "bow," not "bow." Anyway, this is the first episode of our new arc: KLINGON HISTORY! And for sake of fun, we're following in-universe chronology with this arc, so it's Enterprise first. Trip and Archer get VERY passive aggressive with T'Pol, and we try to figure out how Enterprise spends its horny buxxx.

Happy 50th episode, everyone. We've got something slimy and uncomfortable for you: the one where Tom Paris & Captain Janeway turn into lizards from going too fast and they *do it.* Also, look out for PEPPERONI, and Tuvok goes fly fishing.

Coming to you live from the Des Moines Community Players playhouse, it's The Empath. Kirk, Spock, and Bones find a mute woman lying on a chez lounge in a void and, after some brutal torture, teach a pair of aliens about love and compassion. We pitch a new Riker show, and we discuss Geordi's gait.

Welcome to our new arc: Love in the 24th Century. Poor Wesley Crusher. It's the classic "boy meets girl, girl is a shapeshifting ball of light" story. He tries to get help from the adults around him, but they just keep screwing with him. Also: Riker pitches a new video game, and Worf finds a new holodeck program to enjoy.

Can I tempt you with a cucumber sandwich? No? In this episode, we wrap up on out Moonraker discussion, which is the best-worst Bond film with also the thriftiest expository dialogue. But... can I tempt you with a cucumber sandwich?

For this, our 47th episode, we offer you Moonraker in all its glory. Because why not? If you haven't seen it recently, you're really missing out...

Data's head done popped off. Mark Twain pulls a gun on Captain Picard after spending some time alone with a young Jack London. Snake sock puppets. And maybe a weird reference to a cult? Anyway, here's the conclusion of Time Travel! Catch us next week for our episode 47 special: Moonraker.

Oh boy oh boy are we going to wrap up our Time Travel arc. TNG. Data. The past. Guinan. Mark Twain. "BIG MONEY" MARC ALAIMO. What more could you ask for? I mean, honestly! It's so good to be back after being away. 

Top tier Star Trek in this episode. Truly. Is he Captain Benjamin Sisko, or Benny Russell, a struggling black science fiction writer living on Earth in the 1950s? Heavy, thoughtful stuff that brings an insightful conversation to broadcast TV. Next week we'll be back to the goof-a-minute stuff with "Time's Arrow" from TNG. You know, the one with Mark Twain.

In this episode we alienate our two biggest fanbases: fans of the Canadian pop punk band Sum 41 and the Wahlberg brothers. You know, the hamburger guys? And we sorta talk about the Picard trailer, what it's for and what we can learn from a single trailer. And we talk about Bob's favorite TNG episode "A Few Good Things." 

Have you ever been bitten by your pet targ while out on the hunt? Then be sure to get some of Gowron's famous beef juice bandages! We finish up Storm Front, which is Enterprise finishing up the whole temporal cold war thing by literally shrugging and saying "chicken and egg?" It's ... great?

Thrill as Manny Coto (of "24" fame) desperately tries to save the ailing series by utterly jettisoning the Temporal Cold War non-story. And he does it by riffing on TOS' "Patterns of Force" (aka the Nazi episode), which is a wild choice but ok. There's not-quite-Reman bat people that are trying to do... something vague that involves helping the Germans win WW2 with space guns.

Welcome to our new arc: TIME TRAVEL! I mean, you get it, right? I don't have to explain it. Ok? Good. Anyway, the Enterprise is thrown back in time by a black hole or something and then they abduct a guy and it's all very silly, but then they send him home. Or actually they probably scatter his atoms on the sun but it doesn't matter because it will all have never happened.

Happy 4th of July week, people. To celebrate independence and freedom, we watched... Nemesis for some reason? It's Tom Hardy's first big role! Jesse's back and it's a great time talking about Nemesis and analyzing it. What an awful, awful movie! (CW: the movie depicts rape in a scene, and we briefly discuss it & how the movie depicts it) 

And now the conclusion of SPACE LAW!. We've seen incredible growth in these past 3 months, so THANK YOU! And please - tell your friends! Catch us next week with our 4th of July special. Friend-of-the-show Jesse will be back to enjoy (?) Star Trek Nemesis with us. 

This is a big one. We've got everyone here to send us off for the end of SPACE LAW!. The Drumhead is so damned good that just couldn't stop talking about it. So we're splitting it into two episodes to avoid killing your data plan. 

This week we're taking a break from SPACE LAW! to bring you an episode with special guest Jesse Balzer of Ruining Trailers (https://bit.ly/2FaeXuU). We dive head first into the infamous "Spock's Brain" and in the end we learn that maybe we were Morg all along. Next week we'll wrap up SPACE LAW! with TNG's "Drumhead." 

SPACE LAW! continues with a weird one. Need some tips for proper ponytail care? The Doctor wrote a holonovel, but the publisher claims he has to rights since The Doctor is a hologram. Bob drops knowledge on all sorts of law, and Josh admits he's not much of a pugilist. And hey, you may not like it but Robert Picardo has the ideal body for dilithium mining. Catch us next week for a special guest episode where we watch "Spock's Brain" (TOS)

More SPACE LAW! Bob plugs a bartending school and Josh calls upon his knowledge of cheesy hair metal, and they both explore Ferengi multi-level marketing. Gowron and Worf having a major falling out over a boy. (Klingon courtship practices are complicated!) Bur at the heart of it all, this is a hearing about extradition. Worf did a bad, or DID HE? Catch us next time for "Author, Author" from Voyager (S7e20).

More SPACE LAW! Wesley does a bad, maybe even so bad that someone dies: a cable knit avocado green sweater. Almost Tom Paris! Boothby! And air shows! And Egyptian cotton! Catch us next week for DS9's "Rules of Engagement" (S4e18).

Get a sick pull off your vape for this one, dads. We're diving into SPACE LAW for our next arc and boy oh boy is it a good one with "Devil's Due." Bob makes a case for the Devil and Josh points out that the aliens are probably slavers. But really, Ardra was undone by her own hubris. Also, where's Riker in all of this? Join us next week for another TNG episode "The First Duty" (S5e19). You know, the one with a character is is totally not future Tom Paris.

The stirring conclusion of the Prime Directive arc! We dig into this real sleeper hit of a DS9 episode. The compassion, thoughtfulness, optimism are all here. And there's some decent action and some goofy costumes to boot. What's not to love? Next week we'll be starting our next arc: SPACE LAW! with TNG's "Devil's Due."

We continue our exploration of the Prime Directive, but take a little detour to Little Italy on Qo'noS along the way. And we take a peak at some Voyager actors' Twitter feeds. Good stuff abound. Anyway, B'elanna makes a robot friend who turns out to be not much of a friend. Oops, robot war! Catch us next week for the conclusion of our arc for the Prime Directive with DS9's "Captive Pursuit" (S1e6).

This week we continue our exploration of the Prime Directive by visiting a time and place without a Prime Directive. How noodly is your Phlox? Hey, remember how good Data's Day was? Well has the team responsible for Enterprise got something for *you!* Also, would you please boss Scott Bakula around? He likes it. Catch us next week with "Prototype" (VOY, S2e13).

Hey you. Yes, you! YOU are the reason we do this show, and we are grateful for you. A teensy little favor, though. Share us with your friends? Tweet about/at us? Post on Facebook? Thanks! Anyway, we're onto part 2 of our Prime Directive arc with "Pen Pals." It's a great TNG episode with some deep, heavy topics. And horses. And a ham-faced alien. Next week is "Dear Doctor" (ENT).

WELCOME to our first arc: 5 Crucial Prime Directive episodes, starting with TOS "Patterns of Force" aka "Wow, the aliens are just Nazis, huh?" or "Why does Kirk keep saying 'Natzi?" The Prime Directive is seemingly simple - don't interfere with other cultures unless asked - but the application is pretty messy. We're going to check out 5 different episodes across 'Trek to try and understand the Prime Directive. Don't worry, the goofs aren't going anywhere.

Is this secretly a Crusher episode? How much summer sausage can you replicate? What about manflesh? Data's Day is a great episode of Trek, which is a kind respite for Bob & Josh. So good that we ended up going long. Catch us next week with the beginning of our new format, starting with 5 Crucial Prime Directive Episodes. We'll start with TOS "Patterns of Force" (S2e21).

McCoy yearns for a simpler time when white people could live in houses built and maintained by slaves, then bemoans "females." The crew tells a computer how it should fight for its freedom. But hey, Josh wedged a "I am Kirok!" reference in here, so it can't be all bad. Join us next week for TNG S4e11: Data's Day.

What's in Johnny Frakes' snackle box? This episode of ENT really is an exemplar of a filler episode but at least we jazz it up with some "Panama" references for 45 minutes. We also enter into some high-level negotiations with CBS over more new Star Trek show, like a Golden Girls type show set during the First Cardassian War. So, ask yourself: what the hell was Lor-ehn's plan? Why now? Catch us next week where we head back to TAS with Stardate 2.1.6 "Once Upon a Planet." It's pretty weird.

Pop open a can of Diet Trek with us, and cozy on up to the TV to watch some NCIS. This is the episode where we finally lose that lucrative NERF money. What's there to talk about when the episode says so little? Our answer may surprise you! Check us next week with Stardate 6.2.17: Canamar (ENT)

Joey is back on the show, even if he is a mile away. It's so nice to come back to Trek. No space horse controversy, no Roland Emmerich; just some good ol'... physical comedy? Also, Bob opens the Seventh Seal and dooms all of mankind forever. You know, normal stuff. In an effort of penance, Josh grabs the helm and sets course for Stardate 2.2.1 "The Pirates of Orion" (TAS).