Don't Lose Your Balance with Mallory Durrick

On this 52nd episode of Don't Lose Your Balance, the last episode of Season 1, I reflect on the last year and the journey I have been on to find my way to Balance by sharing my life on the Internet. Sharing openly and honestly, from my healthiest perspective, I hope you'll enjoy this season's finale.

On this 51st episode of Don't Lose Your Balance, I share my feelings about sharing my memories and my story on the Internet. How did I learn and manage to pull those memories from a place of clarity and self reflection? I know there is likely one more episode to this season of Don't Lose Your Balance, and I'm thinking about what's going to happen next for me. Where will I go, what will I do, and how will I help the listeners and myself.

Join me on the 50th episode of Don't Lose Your Balance as I share my perspective about being Unique in a noisy world. How your own beliefs about your uniqueness will give you the courage to share your story. Viewing yourself as a unique individual is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and I encourage everyone to do so and find their voice. Listen in.

In today's episode I'm talking about perspective. How very different, one person's perspective is from another, even when the situation is the same. It's not about skewing the truth or invalidating someone else's reality. It's more so about how the perspective of one person to another, even one's own perspective can be different for so many reasons.

In today's episode I'm reflecting on the sad reality of the feelings of abandonment. How it was for me as a child and perhaps how it may have been for others that I loved. This is one of my more compelling episodes and painful because there isn't much I can do other than accept the truths and hopefully apologize and move forward. Listen in.

In today's episode I'm talking about Change. It is indeed the only thing permanent in life and I also recognize the importance of change for growth and development. I do however feel that change can be done purposively. Knowing where I want to be in life, means I need to make the right choices and work to get there. Conversely, I know that poor choices might not always have an immediate impact but might be realized much later until a shift for change must begin again. Listen in.

Prompted through a conversation we had this morning on Clubhouse, toxicity is different than negativity. Mostly because you can have too much of a good thing, which is toxic, and too much of a bad thing, which is toxic and negative. Balance is what I seek and despite some things being labeled as good, they can also be toxic for me personally. This is different than negative. Calling it like you see it can actual be a positive thing. Confused? Listen in. 

In today's episode I'm talking about Milestones. As I reflect on the last year, these milestones that I hit, like gratitude, this podcast and also achieving the goals I set forth for myself a year ago, I talk about  them with such joy and happiness. I know we all hit different milestones in our lifetime, but this is one year, one great year full of incredible milestones I'm very proud to share.

In today's episode I'm talking about Pain. Since I'm sharing from a scar and not from a wound, I believe I've learned to find better ways to manage pain differently than the ways I've learned in the past. I cannot avoid pain in life, it's a natural part of living. But by recognizing the pain, seeing it for what it is - I can actually confront and move through my pain more effectively. Rather than avoiding it, which only causes more pain, learning to embrace it actually helps me to grow and feel less pain.

In today's episode I'm talking about Clubhouse. Clubhouse is an audio only app made for iPhone and Android. It's a place to learn, listen, socialize, build friendships, grow your business and so much more. I discovered and joined Clubhouse in January of 2021 and what I learned and how it's helped me grow is so much more than I could ever imagine. Listen today to learn about Clubhouse and how it actually changed me, forever!

In today's episode I'm talking about Goals. We set goals for ourselves all the time. What does that look like? Is it achievable and attainable? Is it unrealistic or well within reach? I remember the goal I set years ago to achieve and maintain sobriety. I have accomplished and continue to enjoy the benefits of this goal. It's a fantastic feeling and something I'm very proud of myself for accomplishing. Every day is another day I can say, well done!

In today's episode I was originally going to talk about projections. Then it occurred to me it's really about triggers and setbacks. We all face them at one point or another in our lifetime. It's really about the coping skills that we need to develop when we're healthy, to prevent the old patterns and recognize the familiarity of the 'dance.' This ultimately helps us change the narrative. Not to prevent the trigger - but to manage it so it doesn't become a setback.

In today's episode I am talking about confidence. I reflect on my lack of confidence in my youth. I also recognize how this podcast has helped me to develop my skill set, my ability to speak, and how to listen to others. I share my experiences, openly and honestly and as a result, have developed a sense of self-worth and confidence for which I am very grateful.

In today's episode I am talking about Clarity. Most specifically about how I got clear when I removed the toxicity out of my life, got real and true, and realized that living a healthy and balanced life was possible. It wasn't going to happen overnight, but when I got clear about what I wanted, needed, and most of all, what I had to do ... sobriety provided clarity!

In today's episode I am talking about Community. In the last several years, if not decade, I found myself seeking out online communities to learn, grow, be better as an artist, designer, strategist or even a human being. From Facebook to Instagram to Clubhouse, I cover it all and share how I felt less alone, especially during a Pandemic, and found my most comfortable communities around the globe and on a variety of apps.

In today's episode I am talking about hope. What do you hope for? What is the driver of "hope" in your life today? What do you hope to achieve, hope to become, hope to do this year? Most of all, what are the sources of hope in your life? My life. Let's talk about Hope!

In today's episode I am talking about humility. It was a topic during today's story and prompt in the Gratitude room on Clubhouse and I have to say, humility and compassion is something we should all be very aware of as human beings. Check in with yourself ... are you humble? Who do you know that is, and how can they show you ways, to be an even better version of yourself?

In today's episode I am talking about general human kindness. Likely more aligned with a rant, I reflect on the past and also the present about how people should check-in with themselves, hit the pause button, and realize that kindness should be a given and not something out of reach.My favorite line: In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

 Today, I'm talking about the power of rituals. Having rituals can provide me with a sense of productivity, accomplishment, peace and comfort. It never occurred to me that having rituals could bring me to a place of balance. Feeling grateful for the rituals that I've come to look forward to in my life, brings me joy. And I hope for everyone, that happens too. 

Today, I'm talking about growth. Whether it is personal growth or professional growth, it's my intent to look back and recognize and honor the choices I've made that helped me grow as an individual. It wasn't always easy and at times it was downright gut wrenching, but I am grateful to have come out the other end a happier and healthier person. I continue on this journey and hope you will too.

Why do we let fear and anxiety get in the way of our ability to make choices and decisions that can be so incredibly fulfilling? Is it our past history? Is it our paralyzing fear of the judgment that others place upon us or what we place on ourselves?Today, I talk about fear from a place of recognition and recovery to make life better and more rewarding.

I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to chat with YouTuber/Instagram Influencer Kayla Nelson. She and I sit down and talk about body image, health, wellness, mental health and so much more. I hope you enjoy our very candid conversation and can resonate with much of this very open discussion!

Today's discussion about Anxiety is spoken about from memory. Nothing I'm experiencing today but how I learned to develop the coping skills to manage my deep rooted anxiety. I somehow believed anxiety could or should have been fixed with a pill or a glass of wine. It was only discovered later in life, that both of those things, amplified my anxiety. Not mitigated it as I once believed.

When I think about love, I think about being myself. I think about accepting others for who they are. I think about accepting myself for who I am. Love is just about loving someone for who someone is and what they represent. It's not about the version of what we want of them or for ourselves. Meaning, I have probably molded myself into the idea or the version of what others have wanted of me in the relationship, which has complicated Love (it) for me. 

Today, I'll be talking about acceptance. Accepting what is, in all its glory and in all its pain, allows room for the possibility of change and greatness. It's not easy to give up the control and the fight. But, when we accept what is, the difficulties that may go along with the reality we're faced with, does ease. The struggle may no longer be a weighted burden. It might surprise you just how resilient you can be when you accept what is.

Today, I'm going to be talking about something that we also talked about in the gratitude room, especially this morning. It's Saturday. And we talked about resilience. And the story was about the British population during World War Two. And when Germany bombed them for 54 straight days, they call it the Blitz. And they had set up psychology camps, if you will, outside of Britain, to help the people deal with all the problems that were happening from a psychological perspective during this time. And nobody went to these these facilities to get emotional help, they just somehow figured it out and learn to embrace whatever was going on and embrace doesn't mean you're embracing something with joy and happiness. It just means you're embracing the reality of the situation. And that's what they did. And when they did this, they showed an unbelievable act cohesively as a as a unit of people of humanity of resiliency. And that's what the prompt was about. And it was talking about resilience. And I thought a lot about it since we closed the room this morning about resiliency for myself, even and I want to talk a little bit about it. But you can't talk about resilience without understanding what the definition is. I mean, I think we all know intellectually what it is, I'm going to speak about it from a voice of clarity. So what is being resilient mean? Well, it means being adaptable, and human beings are actually more resilient than they are not the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, or a toughness that you're faced with having that toughness perhaps is a way of showing resilience. inanimate objects that spring back into shape are elastic and are resilient. But when you talk about what resiliency is in a person, psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress, such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. The question was asked how during the time of COVID, do individuals show their resiliency they adapted, they figured it out, they figured out how to go to work every day and perform their job responsibilities. They figured out how to manage their work life balance.

Welcome to the 26th episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Thanks for joining me, today I am going to be talking about values. And if you were in the gratitude room this morning, which is it's Sunday morning, it's Sunday afternoon now, but it's Sunday morning at eight o'clock this morning, Eastern Time, we talked a little bit about values and I want to read something that initiated the conversation, we use something called 365 Gratitude Journal calm. And I love this website, I pay for it. And it helps initiate conversation based on a prompt and sharing gratitude within the context of whatever a story might be. And the prompt is. So it begins with emotional habits. And it says you don't have to control your thoughts, you just have to stop letting them control you, which I thought was very, very relevant and very, very important. It asks you to write down your values for each major relationship in your life, work family, friends, partner, kids, and then write down your intentions. What are you going to do to get closer to your values. And I had in my listing of all of the episodes that I wanted to talk about, I actually had values as one of my episodes. And since I struggled so much last week, I really did struggle with boundaries. I want to talk about values today. And then I can get this topic off my list. Okay, so I did a little more Googling, and I thought, well, we all know what values are for ourselves, but do we? So I thought, well, how do you define your values? And then I went on this website, and it said, Before you answer the question, you need to know what in general your values are. Your values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work, they should determine your priorities and deep down, they're probably the measures you use to tell if your life is turning out the way you want to to when the things that you do and the way that you behave, match your values. Life is usually good, you're satisfied your content. But when they don't align with your personal values, that's when things feel wrong. And this can be a real source of unhappiness. This is why making a conscious effort to identify your values is so important. So if we go back to the prompt from gratitude journal, it says Write down your values for each major relationship in your life, work family, friends, partner, kids write down your intentions, what are you going to do to get closer to your values? It brings me to what happened when I lost sight of my values. I certainly had once I had a moral compass. And clearly and I talked about this this morning in the gratitude room, I somehow when I strayed, or I used medication, to self medicate to get through whatever I was going through, my values just flew out the window. I don't even know what happened. And of course, I may blame or assign some chemical imbalance. I certainly could do that. And then it just was, you know, all hell broke loose. 

Well, hey, everybody, welcome to the 25th episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I want to thank you all for joining if this is your first time here, welcome, if you've been here before, and listened to my episodic life history. Thanks. So today I and I've been toying around with this particular topic for quite some time. And I, I've been wanting to talk about it, but I haven't, I thought maybe some of the other episodes should come first. And it doesn't really matter. But I wanted to talk a little bit about boundaries. I've talked about boundaries in the past and what they are and what they mean for me and how they helped me not feel so out of control, I guess, when I've learned to recognize what a boundary is, and how to not only define it, but how to express other people, Hey, these are my boundaries. It got it got a lot easier for me. And I'd like to talk a little bit about that because it provided a definite sense of clarity, and most importantly, balance. So boundaries, what are they? Well, there are a lot of things. And the first thing I ever think about when I think about a boundary is a wall that goes up, these are my boundaries, don't cross that line, or you're going to come over into my personal space, for example, well, that may happen. And that may be a definite boundary that you've defined, but I don't want to speak of boundaries negatively. And yet in my head, every time I think about a boundary, I think about it being something negative or that I have to most importantly apologize for and that's where I struggle. I do not want to apologize for having a boundary. If I say no, I'm good I, I don't need something or I don't want something. And these are my boundaries that I've defined for myself so that I can more or less protect my mental well being. I don't want to apologize for having done that. And I feel like I have to apologize for having a boundary or many boundaries. Learning to recognize no Mallory, you don't need to apologize for your boundaries, you can actually just have boundaries, and be okay with it. And if somebody doesn't like your boundaries, that's more a problem for them and less a problem for me. And intellectually, I get it. I say to myself, well, if it's a problem for them, that's their issue. And they have to deal with that. However, I know intellectually, that I might own it. And I might think, are my boundaries too defined? Are my boundaries inappropriate? Are my boundaries unacceptable to somebody else at the cost of my own comfort level. And this is where I've not been great in the past, because I didn't have boundaries. I didn't say to people, this is what is right for me, because it always felt so selfish. 

It never occurred to me that I held on so tightly to things and as a result amplified my own unhappiness and distress. When I learned to embrace the pain, confront it, and then let it go, I was able to finally feel happy and peaceful. Stop fighting so hard to return to what was, and start enjoying what is and eventually, what can be. Let it go!

 Hey, and welcome to the 23rd episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I want to thank everybody for joining. And I hope that you joined last week and several weeks in the past. Last week, I talked about death and I lost a family member very suddenly. And I spoke about that pretty much in depth about my family and, and how it made me feel. And I had also mentioned that today's episode was meant to be about opportunity. And I want to talk about opportunity a little bit because I feel like opportunity is something that happens for all of us. And fear has this strange tendency to get in the way of preventing us from grasping at that ring. They they you know, that ring they talk about and taking a risk and seeing what what what is that opportunity that's being presented for us and and how can it help fulfill us make us better? Or will it be a bad decision to reach for that opportunity? And did we dodged a bullet more or less? For me, opportunities that are presented come in all different ways. And I'm sure they do for others. I also know that I feel like many opportunities that have come my way I've not reached for because of fear and I've missed out and sometimes the opportunity will present itself again. Or sometimes it won't, it will never present itself again. You know, maybe we look at our jobs or career paths. And we see, we see an opportunity to take on a project or take on a client or take on a job. And either we can't Don't or won't. And maybe that's good. And maybe that's bad. 

Well, hey, everybody. My name is Mallory Durrick. And welcome to the 22nd episode of Don't lose your balance. I have taken a break from recording, I had recorded many of the episodes that everybody has heard up to this point. In October, I think that was the last time I had recorded an episode. And I, I have to be honest, I really didn't know where I was going to go with all of this, I have a bunch of different topics in, you know, in the queue of what I wanted to talk about. But I I don't know what is really super relevant. I feel like I've made incredible progress with how I wanted this podcast to go and where I wanted to be with it, as well as how I would ultimately feel. And I can say that the original goal of creating this podcast was to help me feel better, and to recognize and acknowledge all of the things that I had been through and how was it impacting my present? And was I going to carry it into my future? The answer was no, I wasn't going to do that I was going to face whatever conflicts I had within myself and just say, you know, Mallory, yeah, you're a human being. And these are the, these are the things that happen. And you can acknowledge them, embrace them, and change some of if not many of the qualities that you don't like about yourself and then continue to go forward in life. And, and isn't that what this is all about? For all of us? This is about living, right? Well, today is Monday, and today is January 10, of 2022. We're two years into a pandemic. And it's not necessarily getting any better and a lot of people are facing for the first time, what we all know is to be the inevitable for every single one of us, which is death. And that is what I want to talk about today. And I don't want to turn it into some kind of sad and, and gruesome conversation, but embrace it for the reality that it is for all of us, we are all going to die. And for many of you who don't know me, I am. My maiden name is Saget. And Bob Saget was my first cousin. And he died yesterday, and he died very suddenly. 

Hi, everybody, welcome to the 21st episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I hope you've been enjoying all of the episodes up till now. And if you haven't been listening, feel free to drop in from episode one all the way up to 20. Today, I am thinking about this topic based on a clubhouse room for Gratitude Journal 365 that we run every day. And I've been thinking about this topic. And it was actually included in my outline of 52 episodes that I had titled before I even started this podcast. And that title is motherhood and motherhood is a hard topic for me to talk about. Because in the in the way I look back on my own life as a mother, I don't actually think that I was great as a mother. And I think that what has prompted this particular episode today was based on the fact that when we talked about how we could be more compassionate towards ourselves. And this was the prompt in gratitude about not being so harsh. And you could maybe get to the other side of something, if you were maybe a little bit more compassionate towards yourself. And and I get that I've probably been the most hard on myself for many of the choices that I've made. But I cannot speak more highly of how harsh I was on myself over motherhood. And this is a hard episode for me to just start talking without even scripting it. And much of why this podcast had even been started in the first place had to had a lot to do with my relationship with my children. And how I could figure out how to continue to move forward without being so hard on myself about the decisions I made in the past that impacted them. And when I look back on my life, I think, Oh, my God, how in the world did I even get through all these years? And how did I somehow managed to get to the other side of it. And it wasn't easy. And I'm going to say that straight off straight out. It was not easy. I probably did more damage to myself than anybody. But of course, there are going to be people that experienced the fallout of it all. And those are my kids. And I can't speak for them. And I've spoken about that. In other episodes, I cannot speak for my children about what their experience was having me as a mother and I remember being really happy mother in the earlier days. I loved when I had my first daughter, my first child, my daughter, I loved being a mom and I loved having her with me. She was literally by my side every single day, for an entire year. I was a nursing mother. And I nursed her up until about 13 months and nobody put a bottle in her mouth. And I was really proud of that accomplishment not only from a health benefit, I think I thought less of the health benefits as much as I thought about the convenience how convenient it was to just nurse my baby and it was over and then I could either go back to sleep or we could get on with our day and I could travel with her and it was so simple. 

Hello, and welcome to the 20th episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. And I want to thank you all for joining. And if this is your first time here, welcome. And if it's not your first time here, I really appreciate the support. And hopefully that you've all been enjoying listening to this podcast, I recently just closed out a gratitude room on clubhouse. And I love this gratitude room. I run it Monday through Sunday with a bunch of other people at 8:30am. Eastern time. And the reason I'm telling you that is if you're listening and you want to listen in to the gratitude room, feel free to join us on clubhouse. Anyway, we talked today about things in our life, maybe two things that you could find that bring you so much joy that you make priorities for those things. And you can find gratitude in those but putting them as priorities and what are they as priorities that make you really happy. And the first thing that really came to my mind was creativity. And so I'd like to talk a little bit about how creativity has actually helped heal me, as well as helps me to look forward to things in my life that I can then keep going and saying well, you can always fall back on this part of your self and enjoy what you have the skill set to do. And if I, you know, I'm gonna be honest, if I don't have the skill set, I somehow I learn. And when I learn, I realize that there are things that I've never actually tapped into that I just love. So I'm gonna step back a little bit and talk about why the podcast was created in the first place, and how I think it's actually helped heal me a lot. And bring me to a place of a better understanding about myself. And honestly, this is a creative outlet. 

Welcome to the 19th episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. And I have been recording these episodes quite a bit, one after the other until I got to Episode 18 last week. And I actually ended that somewhere around August and it is now October and by the time this airs, it'll likely be December. That said, I took a little break because I wasn't really sure about where I wanted to go with everything. And I felt like I had enough in the queue. I also decided that maybe I would just start talking in this episode as opposed to what I've been doing, which is actually scripting and recording, and then editing. And when I say editing in the earlier episodes, I think it was pretty choppy. And that's okay, because I'm learning. So today, and I've been thinking about what episode I was going to do next after the 18th. And I I actually thought that rhythm that I had would continue, but nevertheless, it did not. And I felt a little tired of scripting. A lot of these episodes are scripted. And there's no problem with scripting, I just don't know if maybe it wouldn't be better if maybe I just started talking and not worry so much about whether or not there was this ultimate flow to it. So in this week's episode, I am going to talk about friendship. And I want to do it completely off the cuff. If this episode airs, I guess I liked how it sounded. 

Like I've mentioned in previous episodes, I'm not a therapist or a doctor, I'm just someone that has lived through some rather upsetting and chaotic traumas. Much like many other people. I don't feel like I am that unique. With this podcast, I'm only looking for a way to heal and to most importantly, find balance so I can keep moving forward. I am also hoping that I'm helping others who may be going through some similar experiences and finding tools or resources that help them to find their balance. Even if that means they are looking in the mirror and not feeling so alone.I have made choices in my life that might not be agreeable to some, but these choices have put me exactly in the place that I am today. I don't have extreme highs or lows, and I don't need medication to manage all of it. I'm just really balanced. And I'll be talking today about how to maintain that balance. And I realize some days it's easier than others. I'm also going to put out a disclaimer here, only you and your doctor will know if medication is needed to help you get through difficult times. 

As a human being we all make mistakes, we will make mistakes in our lifetime. And we will make poor choices. We cannot avoid mistakes. But we can look at how we impact others with our mistakes. This is part of life. And I'm grateful for these mistakes, because they have led me exactly where I am today. I'm not looking for something like a better job or a bigger home, a nicer car, or fancy and expensive jewelry and clothing. I have everything that I need. And I can comfortably say that might not have always been the case during my unhealthy younger years.For some our mistakes will be easy to look past. But what happens when our mistakes are compounded by I don't know more mistakes over and over again?

As we enter this holiday season, I'd like to recognize the power of gratitude what it is for me and what it means in my future and my present. It's often times difficult to be mindful of gratitude. I've learned recently that it's a practice and one that doesn't come easy. And I get that and I get why. I don't recall feeling very grateful during the last two plus decades, it's not that I shouldn't have felt gratitude for so much of what I had, or to be sad for what I didn't have. It's just that it wasn't in the forefront of my consciousness. I wasn't thinking about it one way or the other. But I do think about it every single day, now. Why would I do that? It's not for the reasons most people do it. Or maybe it is I don't know why most people do it. Might they not force gratitude into their day?For me, it becomes a habit. And that is a daily practice. 

I imagine I've done a lot of controlling or manipulating of others during my lifetime to get what I wanted or needed. Even if they were simple controls like what I would eat and serve to other people and also how I managed my children's lives. Certainly that was my job. And I've absolutely lost my control during my lifetime, like when I got addicted to drugs and alcohol, and spending all that money. And of course when I strayed. So where's the balance in all of that? And how does control differ from a manipulative perspective to gaining back balance and maintaining one's own control of themselves? How did I manage to gain control over my life? I think it's important to look back and figure out when or how I lost it in the first place. 

Welcome to the 14th episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I'm very happy you're here to share this journey with me. I often say I'm no expert or even a therapist. I'm just a person that has lived 50 plus years making a lot of mistakes. along the way. I have accomplished a lot. But I also recognize my responsibility for my failures, which had me thinking about last week's episode entitled judgment which led me to blame. After scripting much of this episode, I realized it's not about blame the original intended title, it's actually about co-dependence, I was a codependent. And I will get to that in a minute. 

 Welcome to the 13th episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I'd like to say thank you for joining me as I share my personal journey towards living a happy, fulfilling and most importantly, a balanced life. If you're new here, welcome. And if you've been following along for the last couple of months, I really appreciate you and the support you've given me even if you don't actually agree with me or with the decisions I've made along the way. The reason I say that about agreeing with me is because so much of what I'm sharing is a break of moral and ethical codes and conduct. Violations, if you will. I've made so many mistakes, my mistakes have mistakes. And it's only a result of incredible intense judgment towards and against me that I created this podcast to finally free myself of my shame and my guilt. To show that I am more human than not, and that I have lived a very imperfect life. However, it's a human life. 

Welcome to the 12th episode of Don't lose your balance. If you're new here, thank you for joining me as I share my journey. It's my self discovery towards living a healthy and balanced life. I am a recovering addict who has been through quite a lot in my lifetime. Thankfully, I'm happy and healthy, and a woman in her late 50s. I live alone and I am on my own. And each day I continue to learn to be my best self, my happiest, best self.If you've been with me along the way. I thank you for your support. And I hope you've been enjoying this podcast as much as I have enjoyed creating it. When I was thinking about today's episode, I looked at the episode number and I realized I never really talked about my relationship in depth with alcohol. Episode 12 hit me. The 12-steps, AA, so here we go.

Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. And I hope you're finding value in this podcast. This is the 11th episode. And if you're new here, I'd like to welcome you. I also encourage you to go back and listen as it might help you to have a little more understanding about me and some of the topics I'm talking about more in depth if you do so. But you should be just fine, right here, right now, in the moment. As I think about these topics, especially the ones last week called choice and guilt. It made me really introspective in that I wanted to address them. And that led me to the conversation about freedom. And  that's what I'm talking about today, there is something incredibly powerful about making choices, you know, even if they're bad choices, I own them as my own.  I I don't play victim. But I do think about whether I could have made better choices. During times of vulnerability and in hindsight, yes, of course, I could have made better choices. But in my present state of mind, no, I make really good choices now. And as a result, I have a different kind of freedom. I own my bad shit, I forgive myself for the worst of it, I take full responsibility so that I can keep moving forward. And honestly, what else am I supposed to do? 

Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. And I'm really glad you're back to listen and hope you're finding value in these episodes on this podcast. Today I've been thinking a lot about the last episode entitled choice. And now it's leading me towards this conversation of guilt. What is guilt? What is guilty? When are you guilty? How much guilt do you or we hang on to? Why and when is it okay to let go of that feeling of guilt? I ask because I wonder who decides on the when?There is a lot of judgment put on others, and more importantly, the judgment we put on ourselves? How much suffering do you have to endure until someone says, okay, you're done. I'm not talking about criminal behavior, I'm talking about personal behaviors, choices, guilt for choosing one way over the other. There are also different degrees of guilt, and also your religious backgrounds and beliefs will drive you but I am not going there. And this isn't about faith. If this triggers you please do what you have to do to protect yourself, even if that means, not listening. This is my conversation between me and me. And I don't want to make anyone feel badly or even start a debate. I want to talk about guilt as it pertains to me and only me, I want to talk about guilt as it pertains to balance.

Hello, everyone, thank you so much for returning to Don't lose your balance. I'm Mallory Durrick, and I hope you've enjoyed learning about my life the turns and the roadblocks along the way. And also the wins I've experienced, which has led me to where I am today happy, healthy, sober, and living a good life and a good life that makes me happy.As mentioned before, I don't have any extreme highs or any extreme lows, just a balanced life. And I've been thinking a lot today. I've been thinking a lot about choice; choosing is something we do every day, we choose what to eat, what to drink, when we do them and who we do them with. Sometimes we follow our gut. And other times we don't. It's been my experience that when I don't follow my gut, I make a lot of mistakes. And that makes me think about what is actually a mistake? I could look back on the times that were not looked at as positive or a time I didn't follow my gut because it didn't work out for me. But then I think that it's led me to exactly where I am right now, right here and I'm recording this podcast because of it. I may not be living the life that I had planned for myself. But then I don't really think I had some master grand plan. 

Welcome to the eighth episode of Don't lose your balance. In today's episode, I'm sharing my experience in rehab, the one and only place I found myself almost two decades ago, literally across the country for 30 days. This is the same place that they filmed the movie 28 days with Sandra Bullock, an alcoholic woman who found herself in need of help and recovery. The only two things she and I share are our birthdays and the fact that we walked in that very same building. Her life was a movie, mine was reality.If you listened to the earlier episodes of Don't lose your balance, you know that I was addicted to prescription pain medication Vicodin, for the better part of four years. This was an addiction I carefully hid from my family for a very long time. Although they believed there was something wrong with me, they only believed that the doctors that I was seeing, the psychiatrist, wasn't doing her job. In actuality she wasn't but you can't lie to your doctor and then hold them accountable for not treating you well. You have to not only be honest with them, but you also have to be really honest with yourself. 

Welcome back to the seventh episode of Don't lose your balance. In today's episode, I'd like to talk about loneliness, what it means for me and what the differences between being alone versus being lonely.Every person has a different threshold and a need for being alone. By nature. Some people are extroverts. Others like myself are introverts. So what's the difference? Well, Healthline.com defines extroverts as people who are the life of a party, and they have a very outgoing nature. They're vibrant, and that vibrancy draws other people to them, they actually have a hard time turning away attention and they thrive off of that interaction. On the opposite side of the spectrum are introverts. These people are typically described as being more reserved, they may engage in a multitude of social activities, but they need time away from others to actually recharge their batteries, and recharge that energy. I don't believe I'm reserved, but I have learned to tame my filter a bit. But that is only most recently. I am opinionated, which at times has gotten me into trouble. People describe me as someone that doesn't actually have a filter, I speak my mind. My online community has taught me to think before speaking. Clubhouse has taught me to be a better listener, a really good listener. My Facebook groups which I help and actively moderate, they have taught me to hit the pause button before commenting.

Welcome back to the sixth episode of Don't Lose Your Balance. In today's episode, I'd like to talk about all the doctors that came in and out of my life, for decades. Why would I spend time focusing on the doctors?  Well, for a few reasons. I was never actually well diagnosed. And I was often very misdiagnosed. There were some extremely good doctors along the way, like my addiction to Vicodin doctor that helped me kick it. There were also some really terrible doctors along the way. Like the ones that prescribed all that Vicodin. I don't think it's easy to get into someone's mind, especially one that had her first bout of depression at the young age of seven. I also don't think back then anyone knew what to do with me. They only knew how to shield and protect me. 

Welcome back to Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. And I hope that you've been following along with the first four episodes. This is the fifth in a series based on my life. And I can only imagine that you're reading the title of this episode is probably the single most boring topic known to mankind. But it is completely relevant. It helps show the progression of totally fucked up to where I am today. And as it pertains to what is working, what's not working things working, and things not working out. Perhaps a reinvention of myself and probably more like others than not. A reinvention of reinvention, a trip around the world a few times to find balance. It's always about the balance. 

Welcome to the fourth episode of Don't lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. If you recently listened to the last three episodes, entitled marriage, infidelity and addiction, thank you very much. If this is your first time here, welcome. For context, it might help you better understand the story, my story. So I suggest you go back to listen to the first three episodes. There is a timeline to much of this journey. at when I call my life.I'll do my best to make sure you have some context through and through, hopefully with the titles and I hope this will help you understand where I was and how I got there, and where I am now, thankfully, on the other side of all of it. Let me stress this, I have healed from all the damage I've put myself through and the pain I've caused to others. I have healed. It is my fervent hope that this podcast provides listeners with the understanding that they are not alone. You're never really alone. Even if you feel like you are. 

If you listened to the first two parts you have heard me speak about marriage and infidelity. Today's episode is about addiction. If you take the three initials, M for marriage, I for infidelity and A for addiction. You are literally spelling out MIA missing in action. That was me.Thankfully, today, I am completely present. So let's roll. My story isn't unique. In fact, it's actually pretty common, so common that I fear telling the story about addiction will be so boring, you won't even listen. What is interesting however, is the image of what an addict looks like in our minds. Maybe my mind. or even in reality. Homeless, sad and hungry, poor. I don't know. I don't know how they got there. But I do know how I got where I am. I struggle sometimes to talk about addiction. I've seen the eye-rolls, the judgment. I've even been judged by addicts for sharing my story. And even by someone that is so far removed from addiction, they actually said to me, You sound like you're glorifying it, ugh glorifying. But it isn't their story to tell. It's my story. So here we go.

You know those defining moments in your life? Times that are so worth remembering that they are ingrained in your brain and perhaps you save pictures, or mementos, keepsakes, reminders, I guess we would categorize these as celebrations, graduations, a wedding, a funeral, the birth of your children. Yes, these are great and sometimes not so great moments. But there is one time, one moment in time, when the entire trajectory of my life changed forever.If you listened to last week's episode of Don't Lose Your Balance entitled Marriage, you'll learn that I had been married from the age of 22 to 41 or so. And around the age of 36, something happened, someone happened. A man stepped into my life at exactly the right or wrong time, depending upon whom you ask. It wasn't even something on my radar. I wasn't out looking for him. I never thought in a million years, I would take a hard left. When I had I should have gone straight. My eyes, my body, my soul should have been looking forward looking at my husband. But I wasn't.When I was in the prime of my life with young children and had a successful and most of all loving husband, along with a very nice, nice lifestyle. Boom. That hard left led me straight into a brick wall. Losing my balance. Yeah, that's an understatement. I felt completely alive more than I had ever been. My heart was racing my body shaking in his presence. It was a chemical reaction. The mere thought of him in a daydream got me through my day. It was glorious. It was terrifying. It was wrong. And oh, so right.