Even If

Every one of us that's walked through the pain of a story you wouldn't have chosen knows how much it means when people stay. When they willingly step into your mess and stand by your side. When they remember the dates and say their names and sit in silence while you cry and lead the way through the dark. When they sacrifice their own desires for your survival and needs. And as I've read the Christmas story this year through the lens of my own weakness and longing and loss, here's what I'm struck by: Joseph stayed. God will us would have been enough. But Joseph was with her too.

Nothing about a newborn baby conjures up the image of peace. Especially a newborn baby born in a stable, during a census, and leads his family to flee for their lives. But calling a baby the Prince of Peace reminds us that peace doesn't always mean that our circumstances are calm or under control. It simply means we have access to it even when they aren't. Mary carried peace in her arms, but we carry it in our spirits. No matter what external circumstance we face.

If you're weary of waiting for things in your own life right now, Advent might seem like a backward thing to celebrate. Why would we embrace a season of waiting in our faith when we're doing everything we can to get out of one in our own lives? Because Advent reveals to us the “suddenly” movements of God where everything changes in a moment, no matter how long you've been waiting, He's been working, and we can get our hopes up in expectation of what He can do. If you're joining our Advent challenge to posture ourselves toward hope this week, share the ways God is increasing your expectation by using #evenifpodcast on Instagram.

Thanksgiving can be hard when we're carrying grief, and we're unsure if there's enough room for gratitude also. But gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. You can carry both at the exact same time. If the holidays are hard for you, this Thanksgiving blessing might be exactly what you need.

I've grown up loving the church my whole life. I know that hasn't been everyone's story, but I care deeply for the local church and her role in the Christian faith. But when Imogen died, we were deeply disappointed in the way the church we were attending responded. It wasn't intentional, but the framework they built with their words and their lack of reaching out to us in our grief indicated that our pain wasn't welcome, our suffering wasn't seen, and our grief had to be handled alone. I share our story here, not to shame or criticize the church we were in, but to invite you to evaluate your own church community and whether or not you're making space for people in their grief. It might be the only time they show up.

Peter and I have been actively asking God to grow our family for over a year now since Imogen was born. We know that path might look different than we've imagined or planned, so we've been asking Him to show us the next steps when it's time. I'm sharing all about where He's leading us and where we are in the process today. This episode is full of personal updates and a big announcement about what's next! Click here to learn more and donate toward our adoption expenses.

Sometimes our seasons of waiting don't produce the outcome we want, they don't result in life, or at least not the life we expected. And yet, God promises us that the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. In your waiting, God is enlarging your expectation for everything that will be fulfilled in heaven. And He's also increasing your capacity for joy in everything He's giving you here on earth. What are you waiting for? Join the conversation on Instagram: @kelly.streiff

There's undeniable value in naming your reality right now; in acknowledging the pain and accepting our grief as it comes. But there's also value in acknowledging a reality far greater than what we see right now. Something beyond the sharp edges that don't make any sense. Something more real than the things we can touch.Something that lasts forever, even after earth passes away. In today's episode, I'm sharing three practices I use to remind myself of what's eternal when the pain of now feels like it will last forever.

I've been thinking a lot about God's presence in our pain lately. It's a phrase I use a lot, it's my go-to prayer when people are suffering - God, be so present in their pain, be so close to them in this season. Comfort them with your presence. Be near. But the interesting thing is that not everyone wants the same type of presence in their grief and I think that impacts how people perceive that prayer. What kind of presence am I asking for? What kind of presence can we expect from God? And what's He doing when He feels so far away?

In seasons of loss, it's easy to feel abandoned by God, or worse yet, betrayed by Him in our pain. I found myself feeling that way after we lost our second baby last year. In honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I'm telling the story of our miscarriage just a few months after Imogen died and sharing how I processed my pain.

What if preparing for the storm isn't actually about focusing on it at all? What if it isn't about training harder, gearing up stronger, pivoting faster, or exploding bigger? What if it's about rooting ourselves not only in what we need to survive, but what we need to flourish, grow, and thrive? I'm realizing that surviving the storm is a byproduct of operating in the calling and purpose for which you were created. The very things that cause you to flourish under the best of circumstances will be what help you survive the worst.

Here's the things about storms in our lives - the question was never, "will they come?" The question has always been, "will we be prepared when they do?" There are things we can do right now to build our foundation and secure our faith so that we can ride out the storms we face. I can't promise they won't do damage. In fact, chances are we'll get a little beaten up along the way. But I am absolutely confident that when our foundation is on Jesus, it will hold. Every single time. The time to prepare isn't once the storm is here...it's now. Before the forecast. Before the rain. Before the wind. Check out www.theevenifpodcast.com for notes and references in this week's episode. Follow Kelly on Instagram for all the daily updates (www.instagram.com/kelly.streiff).

We're back with our second Q&A episode answering all the questions you submitted - and this week we're talking about grief. After Imogen died, Peter and I quickly realized that we responded to our grief differently. He needed to stay occupied and I was triggered by almost everything outside our home. We're sharing how we learned to support each other, when we knew it was time for counseling, and how we agreed to always turn in. Grief isn't linear and we've by no means made it through to the other side. But it has shifted and become more of a companion than a foe. I hope our journey reminds you that grief isn't the enemy, that there's no finish line, and that you aren't alone. Follow @kelly.streiff on IG to hear more of our journey through loss.

When I put up an ask on Instagram a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure anyone would respond. But you sure did! You sent almost 100 questions and today we're answering all the ones about Imogen's birth, what happened next, how she died, and the time we spent with her. This episode is first and foremost a birth story. It's the story of us meeting our daughter for the very first time and the 24 hours we got to spend with her here. But it's also the story of her death. In stillbirth, birth and death are inextricably linked. Since you couldn't meet Imogen here on earth, we're so happy to share her with you on the podcast and so thankful to God for the gift of her life - short as it was. For more, follow Kelly on Instagram (@kelly.streiff) or send her an email at kelly@kellystreiff.com to connect.

We talk a lot about giving ourselves space and permission to grieve - permission to feel sad and angry and weary and tired. We need permission for that. But we don't talk as frequently about giving ourselves permission to laugh. To feel joy. To sing at the top of our lungs or forget for a moment what life looked like "before." So, today, I'm sharing three practices I'm using to welcome joy into my life and embrace it when it comes. Get a copy of my "permission slip" online or check out my Instagram stories to share.

In these days of COVID-19 risk and social distancing, we've become accustomed to "contactless delivery." We value exchanges that we can "leave at the door" without connection, contact, or contamination. But while that system might be a good option for our meals and groceries and mail, it's a poor substitute for how we relate to God. Are you trying to receive the promises of God without the presence of God? His promises are fulfilled in his presence and in His presence, we find fullness of joy.

It feels powerfully defiant to look suffering in the face, to stare it down, and say, “You can't have my voice. You can't have my praise, my affection, my song. No matter how shaky my voice gets, it won't ever change its tune." Worship isn't always the easy choice when we're facing suffering, grief, and pain but it is a powerful weapon in this battle we're fighting - and we're never fighting alone!

What if surrender wasn't so much opening our hands, but laying down our lives? That's the picture God's been revealing lately. Surrender isn't about picking and choosing what we offer Him when we're ready to let go, but about giving Him all we are before He asks, before He needs it, before He's ready to use it.

Denying our pain doesn't make it go away. Putting on a brave face doesn't make everything ok. And hiding it doesn't mean we're healed. It just means it's hidden. When we stuff our pain underground, it can travel for months and miles unnoticed, unchecked, & unseen - and it's doing damage the whole way. But when we name and acknowledge our pain, when we don't shame ourselves for our suffering or sorrow, there we encounter Jesus. Who knows what it feels like to ache on full display.

We're celebrating our Imogen's first birthday and talking about the three reasons we chose to celebrate this year. And here's what I've learned: While her life was cut short, her purpose wasn't. Though she never made a sound, her life is echoing all around the world. And even though she never took a breath, God is breathing a fresh expression of hope through her life and story. If this season feels barren right now, you might just be birthing an incredible expression that no one else can produce. You can see more of our celebration and read more of her story by following me on IG: @kelly.streiff.

It's Imogen's birthday week! We're celebrating with Q & A's, guest interviews, and fun giveaways on Instagram. In this bonus episode, I sat down with K.J. Ramsey, author of This Too Shall Last: Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers, and talked about God's presence in our pain, how the church can care for people in suffering and sorrow, and how our silence is often better than our solutions. You can find KJ at www.kjramsey.com or on IG @kjramseywrites. Follow me on IG (@kelly.streiff) for giveaways all week!

We didn't choose this story. I can think of a dozen different ways I would have scripted our story that could have honored God, could have brought Him glory, could have strengthened our faith, and could have kept Imogen here. But that isn't the story He's writing. We might not have chosen to live it, but we do get to choose how we do. And today, almost one year after Imogen was born, we're committed to living it well. You can be too.

When we've tried everything - kicking, screaming, resisting, begging, pleading - and the pain still doesn't go away, we're tempted to believe that God is inactive, distant, and aloof. But what if God is more present than ever, waiting out our pain with us, and delivering us through the very trial we're in.

There are some moments in life that feel so final, so unending that hope is hard to find. But it's from the darkest place that Jeremiah declared these words that bring us so much comfort today. His words of hope aren't flippant, Pollyanna declarations, they're gritty, battle-worn, bruised words that he reaches into the depths of his soul to declare. And they remind us that even here, especially here, we too can have hope, no matter how far gone our circumstance seems. I end today's episode with a big ask - please send your notes directly to happybirthdayimogen@gmail.com.

In seasons of pain and loss, sometimes God's presence doesn't immediately seem comforting. We're navigating a changed relationship, learning new facets of his character and nature, and learning to interact with Jesus while we still feel wounded. Hurt can often leave us hardened and unable to soak up His presence. But if we give it time, His presence will fill us with peace, joy, and hope and soften us once again.

If grief is knocking you down like giant waves in the ocean, you are not alone. We talk a lot about God's goodness in the midst of our pain and grief, but in this episode, we're talking about how He enters into our loss and grieves with us. Our grief doesn't have to be stuffed down or hidden away. We don't have to hide our pain and our tears from God. He welcomes our grief, is deeply moved by our pain, and comforts us with His presence. 

One of the most confusing questions I get asked after our daughter died at birth is, "How can you still believe in God? How can you still believe He's good?" And I always think, "How could I not?" I'm not sure what it gains me to give up on God, but I am sure that He has the words of eternal life. We're committed, we've made up our minds, we're confident in who He is. In this episode, we explore how God's character and track record are more than enough to convince me of his goodness.

When it comes to God's goodness, our words matter. And when we exclusively attach our "God is Good" declarations to the “feel” good gifts He gives us, we are slowly conditioning ourselves to respond to His actions instead of His character. If our language is communicating a theology built on anything less than the fullness of God's goodness, it won't sustain the faith it's meant to support. In this episode, we look at how our words matter, and how we can use them to build a foundation that lasts.

When your prayers for healing haven't been answered, when you've waited longer than you should have to for a husband or a child, when your marriage ends in divorce or when God simply says no, your prayer life becomes a battleground where it's hard to continue to fight. How do we continue to offer God our prayers when the answer is never yes? Or when it wasn't yes when it mattered the most? On this episode, we identify two potential pitfalls after God says, "no," and how we can continue to approach him with our prayers. Show notes are available at www.theevenifpodcast.com and we're continuing the conversation on Instagram: @kelly.streiff.

Sometimes the loss is so great that we're left feeling violated and robbed. But even here, our pain can become our greatest offering, an act of true worship and surrender.

Holy Week gives us a birdseye view of all that God is doing in our seasons of loss and longing. When our circumstance feels final, our wait interminable, God is at work and moving in ways we could never imagine or plan! This is the week that secures our hope and strengthens our stance and enables us to declare, "Even If."

What does it mean to live as people who trust God, even if he doesn't answer our prayers the way we ask or imagine? Kelly shares about the resolution she and her husband made as they walked through the unexpected death of their first child, and invites us to set our expectation on what God can do, and our hearts on who God is...even if he doesn't.

For many of us, life has not gone according to plan. If you find yourself waiting far longer than you'd imagined, if you're carrying profound loss and grief, or if you're holding honest disappointment as this season unfolds - you are not alone. Together, we're navigating uncertain and unwanted seasons of life and learning how to stand firm when life is shaking. With resolve in our hearts and, sometimes, with a quiver in our voice, we can boldly declare that God is good...Even if. Join the conversation on Instagram with @kelly.streiff. Thanks to Ellie Holcomb for the theme music - check out more off Ellie's music at https://www.ellieholcomb.com/.