Lousy San Francisco Podcast Season 1 - SKMorton.com

This week we pull back the curtain of the podcast only to reveal dozens of empty yogurt cups and piles of saved copies of USA Today and Highlights for children. The clutter forces the gang out into a larger, amazingly less well lit space within the bomb shelter for our 1st annual season finale lovingly known as Lousypalooza. Joining SK and Squidge at the kid's table are local comic and stand-up contest winner Dave West as well as, friend of the podcast and enemy of dry underarms, Pete Feliciano. First we briefly visit with Throng members Suzy L and PJ before we realize that they both thought they were at Giants Fan Fest and mistook Dave for Santiago Casilla. Next up, former Coco-hosts, Indigo Java and Michelle Thomas step up to the microphone and show us all why the two were never able to make it work. Of course, We also have time to talk with Babette and Squidge but at least we regret it. There were a few songs that Pete is proud of but no one had the heart to tell him that all of his parts were over-dubbed by Jack Black. Look at us world! And we'll make sure to cut and paste our resume in the body of the email!

With no actual guests this week, SK was forced to rely heavily on his tried-and-true practice of lulling listeners into a catatonic state by reading emails, plugging his Lousy Walking Tour, disparaging Daryl Hannah and, finally - desperately - doing voices. Unfortunately, this segment would prove to be the meat and potatoes portion of the podcast and they will be hard to keep down. SK might have resorted to pies in the face were it not for the help of Shantwon, Squidge and SK's own brain, KS Notrom, when discussing the latest installment of Animal Obituaries. The majestic humpback whales and their navigation challenges are discussed as well as the elusive chickens of Golden Gate Park. They might not be so cocky with the grand opening of San Francisco's first SKFC. After, what looks to be the last straw for the Bridal Fitness Coach commercials starring Chewbrokaw, we spend quite a bit of time learning nothing about San Francisco's 1915 Panama Pacific International Exposition Extravaganza. When the PPIE's connection to the 1894 Mid-winter's fair or the 1893 Colombian Exposition come up SK is distracted by shiny Mercury capsules; When he tries to explain the expo's scale model of the Panama Canal he is derailed by an escalator; His tidbits about the 1st inter-continental telephone call and Ukelele performance get roasted by bits of pineapple on pizza; His stories of aeronautical pioneers, Lincoln Beachey and the Lockheed brothers crash and burn; and the origins of the fortune cookie and Disneyland's best known attractions simply refuse to shine. We offer for your consideration one Lousy Podcast. The place is the bomb shelter; the time is a couple of weeks ago; the subject is the 1915 PPIE. And that's where SK hoped it would get scintillating. Instead it was just fair.

Amazing and wondrous things were encountered this week as we welcomed back, Throng favorite, Michelle Thomas as the Coco-host and bearer of gifts. To SK she presented a gift of art, To Squidge she served as fodder for a crush, and upon the Throng she conferred the willies as we discovered similarities between her latest series of paintings and a murder conspiracy from the '70s. It was at this curve that our yellow brick road veered away from what might have been an animal obituary and arrived at a plug for SK's long forgotten Amnesty Pond. As ambrosial fragrance filled the bomb shelter blessed voices are found to be uttering something akin to joy as cub reporter, PJ interviews Giants' great, Corey Dullard with our latest installment in the Bridal Fitness Coach saga. Then, with a preamble sweet, The entire gang interviews an ersatz Englishman of letters (And those letters are F.L.A.K.E) who goes by the name of Tony Quarington. The discussion is a charming symphony of San Francisco anecdotes complemented by reminiscences on Tony's home of perfidious Albion. With Babette's arrival as fresh as spring we are greeted by trumpeters clothed in white as shining raiment. The Throng, with harps, sing plenty of praises as emails shine like gold and the promise of interracial dating presumes a future where forests and green slopes and sweet orchards and flashing waterfalls, one above the other, go on for ever. The holidays have begun.

...Whereas this week, the bomb shelter, being plenteously audienceless, SK heretofore begins a nervous thread involving bathroom etiquette, procedure and cleanliness. Whereas this week's celebrity guest reaffirmed the illegitimacy of the podcast by abandoning both SK as well as folly and cancelling his appearance, the show was to make due with the company of two new co-Coco-hosts: Hawaiian ex-patriot, DHB; and future deportee, Snaps. Whereas Babette's precipitous arrival served, not as a bulwark for declinatory argument, but rather as a provocateur for the objectification of both women and men as well as mythical Norse gods. Whereas the purpose of the podcast is to discuss the past, present & future of the great city of San Francisco, the band of lackeys is only scarcely able to make a token nod at informing their audience with a cursory discussion of the Presidio (With a promotion of SK Morton's Amnesty Pond), the Willows pleasure garden, the village of Yerba Buena, ironic addresses for the city's churches and parking in San Francisco. Whereas SK possesses an inherent ability to peer deep inside the human soul, He acts as the arbiter of which movies and television shows are good and which are bad, which sports are of qualifying interest, where racism goes wrong and why Daryl Hannah should be ashamed. We, therefore, the representatives of the Throng, in a general malaise, assembled and appealing for attention do solemnly publish and declare, that this episode of the Lousy Podcast to be free of, and absolved from, any pretense of a pursuit of happiness. And for the support of this declaration, we mutually pledge to not make eye contact.

The show starts off without much fuel. We have no Coco-host, no Squidge and no audience. Fire Captain Henry "Jim" Larkin shows up but too late to revive a dying introduction. A discussion of one of SK's recent tours results in a hazardous situation - a new song by Shantwon, "I stole the moment". The conversation appears to heat up with an email about the Pacific Ocean and its warm water Blob, however any expectation for stimulating debate is quickly snuffed out by a droning on about the new MUNI schedule and bus stops. The talk gets so dry we are ultimately required to keep a 30 foot defensible space between it and the bomb shelter. Just when it looks like we will all be asphyxiated by indifference (Mitch Albom's latest best seller), Babette enters and injects some much needed fresh air into the proceedings by regaling us with tales of her exploits in the old west as well as exposing SK's lack of funds when it came time to pop the question. SK's history lesson about the SFFD threatens to smother any spark of appeal that the podcast may have had when Jim attempts to rekindle interest with ghost stories and accounts of working out with Jim Jones in the '70s. Sufficed to say, this week, as with most around here, there was never any danger of the podcast catching fire - It's all suppressed with Pelligrino

It all centers around this week's Coco-host, friend of the podcast and popular SF musician, Pete Feliciano. Pete's disinterest in american cinema, contempt for formal wear, and love for half-naked soda jerks is the catalyst for our abandoning the niceties normally found in polite society. SK is 1st into the deep and murky end of the pool when he discusses his SLuRP referral program but is eagerly pursued by the rest of the gang with racially charged animal obituaries, an endeavor in literal potty humor and an examination of a possible STD that up until now has only been detected in sea cucumbers. The bottom of the barrel is chafed during the email portion of the podcast when we discuss a rambling manifesto penned by new listener, Crap Fantastic. The depravity is apparently condoned as the group perform their rendition of Rupert Holmes' ode to the lighter side of adultery, The Pina Colada Song. Of course the dirtiest part of the show is the discussion of Chinatown streets and restaurants. The trade of illegal fireworks and plastic bags are endorsed as well as the practice of sleeping loose and $5 haircuts. Also included in the Chinatown conversation is the traditional Chinese instrument and possible euphemism known as the Erhu and MUNI's "Dirty 30" bus line. Excuse our Thaishanese. If you're thinking about imbibing this week's podcast you might want to precede it with Dramamine chaser. Clearly, we're not too good to work blue.

Things start off innocently enough. We're introduced to the other half of SK's brain, KS Notrom, and all are delighted to learn that Shantwon is in the bomb shelter and armed with, quite possibly, a new chord for the night's festivities. And, most importantly we meet the Lousy Podcast's resident hungry hippie, Renee J. Several interesting emails are discussed and subsequently forgotten as Renee J starts to lure the gang into a dark, dark place under the auspices of foodie talk. Renee demonstrates a love for French food, Spanish food that mimics French food and Russian Bakeries. All of which provide her with lots and lots of salt. As things progress, fueled by a garlic and butter stupor, she opens up about gardening war stories and and reveals the source of her Post Traumatic Snail Disorder. Midpoint in the horror we get a reprieve when Renee is distracted by flashbacks of the times she didn't go to Woodstock, Kent State or the summer of love in Golden Gate Park. She does give us some insights about the Haight Ashbury district in the '70s and sustainable edibles of the 2000s but soon enough we are, again, wallowing in the slime of snail talk. War is hell and this podcast is agony

One day SK noticed that it was time for the podcast. He gathered information about the Waldo tunnel and Jerry's Toys on Market street and even where to find some decent burritos. He called all of his friends and asked, "Who will be on time to my podcast?" "Not I" said Shantwon Zee, who was busy picking out just the right mesh muscle shirt for his performance of The Fresh and Easy Song. "Not I" said Squidge McSqueezy, who was busy sorting fly crap out of his pepper. "Not I" said the studio audience who were busy updating their status to "disinterested". "Not I" said Babette, who almost certainly was held up doing something terribly important and should never be lumped in with the likes of Shantwon and Squidge and is absolutely deserving of a back rub sweetie:) SK's only friend to show up on time was Indigo Java, and he came bearing the gift of a cruise to the Bahamas. "Who will take this Bahamas cruise?" asked SK and Indigo. "We will" cried Shantwon, Squidge, the studio audience and Babette (Who was the only one derserving among them). SK looked at his friends and replied, "Bean cones!" That's what I says. "Bean cones!"

The fun starts right away with an email from long-time throng member, Suzy L who finds it necessary to critique past episodes. (Futility also being a key element in this episode) Then, for a good time, listen to Fancy Nancy. She is willing to hang out for almost a full half hour and weigh in on things to do solo in San Francisco like staring contests with oil paintings, staring down sleeping audience members and hiking SF stairs. The 2nd incarnation of episode 12, not unlike the Bolshevik Revolution, starts off promising but very quickly degenerates into the Trotsky's. We welcome DeYoung museum exhibit engineer, Paul Tavian. That is all. For act 3 and after an evacuation of the bomb shelter, we're left with just two audience members, one of whom is a two-time candidate for CoCo-host, Suzy L. Suzy book ends the show with another email section where she joins Babette in a discussion about good hair and bad parenting and/or vice versa (The other way around in reverse). At least Tony Bennett was solid. He did a duet with Yoko.

Couldn't find a co-host who was willing to work for Pellegrino and m&ms so I was forced to pick one from the studio audience. Fancy Nancy drew the short straw and proceeded to destroy what was left of my confidence by announcing that she'd never listened to the podcast before. She then went on to pick on me about my weight and question the veracity of my parents' marriage certificate. I tried to bolster my negative self-image by relating a fun tour that I had recently conducted with a trio from Chicago, one of which happened to be a tour guide as well, and had commended me for my enthusiasm. It was at this point that my colleagues pelted me with batteries. If that weren't' enough, the Throng is growing restless and have taken to antagonizing me through emails. Even the generally popular subject matter (Animal obituaries) seemed to be confusing as a discussion about the Guinea Pigs of Delores Park dovetailed into a commentary by Shantwon about "Selfie Takin' Monks". I had assumed that they were talking about a couple of new indie bands but was shouted down and burned with cigarettes. When I questioned Fancy Nancy about her neighborhood of Silver Terrace she avoided the subject and claimed to have ties to every San Francisco district. As things started to get heated Babette showed up and poured gas on the situation by denouncing the natural hair movement among black women and challenging Fancy Nancy to a duel over which super hero had the cutest accent. To be fair, the gang ended everything with a laugh but I couldn't trust that it was genuine since I had just asked them to do so. I hope next week goes better. I'd hate to have to endure an audit right after the hip surgery knowing that the podcast isn't sharp.

While SK, Shantwon and newest producer, Squidge McSqueezy arrive at the bomb shelter unprepared, we're pretty sure it was the audience's fault. After going around the room to remind each person who they are, the gang struggles to make a paltry sample of emails sound entertaining. The nethermost point might have been reached with our latest edition of animal obituaries. This week the majority of your time will be squandered listening to the troupe rail about the latest insipid what-to-do-in-the-city list authored by another androgynous, vintage, bib & tuck master of liberal arts. In fact, if it weren't for Babette's momentary rant about racism in Chinatown, we might have never taken a break for another lackluster commercial for Bridal Fitness Coach. The last portion of the podcast focuses on what SK would do with just three days in San Francisco. Can you say binge-watch Sid & Marty Krofft? There are a few more thinly veiled advertisements for SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Walking Tour (Like that) and then Babette finally convinces SK that Downton Abbey might not be a bad locale for a pasty vacation away from hipsters, UFOs and cross-fitters. Not unlike Sha-na-na, This podcast was recorded in front of a live studio audience. There were no survivors.

This week we introduce 10 year-old, Noah S. Tonight it quickly becomes evident that, soon, SK will either be replaced by Noah, or dead by his hands. We start with a call-back for last week's candidate for co-host, Suzy L. Suzy immediately establishes her Lousy Podcast bonafides by utterly failing during the intro. Then we reacquaint ourselves with the Bohemian Club by discussing Suzy's club connections and reviewing the photographs of the Bohemian Grove that she had promised in an earlier email. We also premier a couple of tunes that are sure to become anthems for this generation while discussing the lousy Tour and its two meager reviews of the last week. Of course the real fun comes when we interview Noah and learn everything he knows about San Francisco's national landmark, Cable Cars. We interrupt that history minute with a poorly cut commercial for Bridal Fitness Coach and eventually, as is per our usual, end up talking about Star Wars. By the time Babette shows up all in the studio audience and most of the guests are asleep so she tucks us in with a quick anti-immigration follow-up interview of Noah and turns out SK's lights. Starved for Attention Quarterly says: "Of SK Morton's most recent podcasts, this episode is number 9."

The podcast starts with the announcement that everyone has called in sick and that SK has been left surrounded by women; by chicks; by dames; by skirts; by tomatoes; by chippies; by sheilas; by the weaker-yet-more-demanding sex. What the show lacked in testosterone it more than made up for in reduced earning potential. Next we are introduced to our second candidate for the Cocoa Chair, Suzy L. The Throng may know Suzy from her emails to the podcast or for her SCUBA work with Roto-Rooter. Suzy delivers a strong performance but seems a little threatened with the introduction of our cub SF Giants reporter and fellow rib pirate, PJ. PJ tells us about her life-long home neighborhood of Telegraph hill all the while denying her ties to San Francisco's elite. After being joined by Babette the coven discuss the best looking players on baseball's world champion San Francisco Giants. Upon further examination, here's some more of the same old crap.

n ominous portend is the news that Cocoa Bear could not be with us and that a new studio audience would be the unreasonable facsimile. To pile on, the guests include Shantwon, Babette and new Food & Culture correspondent, Indigo Java. A distinct lack of interest by the Throng, as evidenced by a lack of emails is attempted to be diverted by jumping right into a discussion of San Francisco's best worst best-kept secret, Bourbon & Branch. Then there's some talk about another exclusive club associated with Batman and a secret menu at a sandwich place that used to harass Tina Turner. After a last straw of a commercial for Bridal Fitness Coach the gang talks about slip-n-slides and Babette reveals the 1st plank in her platform to get herself elected king of San Francisco. Still awake? Then go ahead and press play.

SK and Cocoa Welcome local musician, Pete Feliciano who sings well but knows nothing about Brian Boitano or his home neighborhood of Chinatown. There's a half-hearted discussion about San Francisco history including SF Saloons, the General Harrison, the Swedish American Hall and the Oakland Invaders. After Pete's rant against public art like the Bay lights he serenades Babette and the rest of the Throng with 4 (Count 'em) 4 tunes in studio.

SK Morton talks with Cocoa Bear and house band Shantwan about issues, events and history of San Francisco. This week it's Brian Boitano, The Offensies, the Amnesty Pond, Fire ants and his Lousy Walking Tour

SK Morton talks with Cocoa Bear and local artist Michelle Thomas about issues, events and history of San Francisco. This week it's Brian Boitano, His L.A.M.E. photo system for the Lousy SF Walking Tour, getting the new Amnesty Pond in the Presidio named after him, and an interview with local artist Michelle Thomas

SK Morton talks with Cocoa Bear and house band Shantwan Zee about issues, events and history of San Francisco. This week it's the San Francisco Zoo and Golden Gate Park

SK Morton talks with Cocoa Bear and house band Shantwan Zee about issues, events and history of San Francisco. This week it's Bison in Golden Gate Park and Crack in the Tenderloin