News Noir

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Two towering intellects disguised as comedians dissect international news and bring a new and refreshing take on things happening in the world, big and small. This is a satirical show, none of the views or opinions expressed in it are representative of the personal views of the people stating them. Everything is said with a thick (big booty) layer of sarcasm. For video version of the podcast, subscribe to Comedy Noir YouTube channel. Please follow us on FB, Instagram and Twitter (@newsnoirpod).

Comedy Noir


    • Nov 25, 2020 LATEST EPISODE
    • infrequent NEW EPISODES
    • 37m AVG DURATION
    • 25 EPISODES


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    Latest episodes from News Noir

    Talk Roulette #1

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 25, 2020 22:55


    We have decided to take a break from weekly news review (all news these days are about COVID and US elections anyway... boring!), so today we just sit near the fake fireplace with a glass of cheap wine and chat about everything and nothing and all sorts of nonsense. In this episode, "nonsense" includes:   - Humanity Becoming Sexier   - Unexpected Positive Effect of Oil Industry   - Biden vs Thatcher Death Fight   - New Russian Order   - Dimitri's Sex Life

    #23 - Putin's Mic Drop, China's Geo-engineering, Heavy Metal Making You Grow Taller

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 9, 2020 33:19


    In this episode, we have hand-picked the following headlines from the past week to chat sh*t about:  // China seizes more territory from Nepal with troops constructing buildings over the border  // Teenagers with poor diets up to 20cm shorter, global study finds  // Russian MPs consider lifetime immunity for former presidents

    #22 - Kiwi Legalise Euthanasia, Aussie Women Strip-searched, Amazon is New Slavery +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 3, 2020 38:33


    Yet again, we distilled all world events that happened last week into the hilarious review of the most fascinating headlines:  //  New Zealand votes to legalise euthanasia in referendum  // Australia seeks Qatar response after female passengers strip-searched  // Amazon launches in Sweden with wrong flag and rude translations  // Philippines local police chief killed by fighting cockerel

    #21 - UK Kids Have Changed, Crayfish Saves Us From Zombies, Charity Means Sacrifice +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 27, 2020 36:46


    This week - as always - in our trademark (allegedly) hilarious style, we are discussing most urgent and highly important news of the week without being distracted by irrelevant stuff like global pandemic and US election. In this episode:  // Escaped cloned female mutant crayfish take over Belgian cemetery  // UK govt investigates after pupils raise questions about balding asylum-seeker who claims to be 15 but ‘LOOKS ABOUT 40'  // Jews make up the lowest share of Europe's population for 1,000 years as France sees surge in emigration due to anti-Semitism  // Poland abortion ruling: Police use pepper spray against protesters

    #20 - Finland Bans D**k Pics, UK Needs More Prisoners, Your Nudes Are Available Online

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 22, 2020 37:16


    Last week saw some fascinating news that we are glad to dissect for you in Episode 20:  // London Bridge attack: Steven Gallant up for early release after confronting knifeman  // Finland will jail men who send unsolicited 'd**k pics'  // Fake naked photos of thousands of women shared online

    #19 - Librarians Make Millions, All Celebrities Are Pro-Trump, Child Labour Is The Future

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 14, 2020 41:27


    In Episode 19, we cover the following headlines that caught our attention this week:  // A former Austin Library employee is accused of stealing $1.3M in printer toner  // Muslim Imam Arrested in Huge Child Pornography Bust  // 'Kid Influencers' Classed As Child Labour Under New French Law

    #18 - NASA Presents Space Toilet, Swedes Are Bad At Being Bad, Julian Assange Is James Bond +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 6, 2020 47:13


    In Episode 18, we discuss the following hilarious events that happened over the last week:  // Nasa Wallops launch: Astronauts to test new $23m toilet at space station  // Swedish Police: New Gang Culture Emerged from Second-Generation Migrants  // Auschwitz director offers to serve time in place of 13-year-old Nigerian sentenced to 10 years for blasphemy  //  Latest twist in Assange saga like a Bond plot 

    #17 - Australians Abuse Brits, Russian Politics Is Still The Best Sitcom, Prison Term For TripAdvisor Review +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 29, 2020 27:43


    In this episode, we discuss some outrageously hilarious world news. Headlines are:  // Tory MP Says He Will Not Take Unconscious Bias Training; Trump ‘Exactly Right' to Ban ‘Indoctrination'  // Investigation launched into Australian backpacker visas  // Australia asks Google to remove images from top of sacred site Uluru  // ‘I have absolutely no clue' Head of rural settlement in Russia's Kostroma Region loses election to the dummy candidate he selected  // American faces two years in prison for posting unflattering TripAdvisor review of Thailand island resort

    #16 - COVID Is Harsh On Criminals, Tesla Is The Best Getaway Car, Avoid Ukrainian Hospitals +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 23, 2020 41:12


    In Episode 16, we discuss the following news of the week:  // Double-amputee's wife is asked to take her husband's severed legs away from Ukrainian hospital in a sack  // Puppy prices soar during coronavirus lockdown  // Man charged after Canadian police find him asleep at wheel of self-driving car  // Billionaire Chuck Feeney achieves goal of giving away his fortune

    #15 - How to Date A Feminist, Aussies Are Bad At Flirting, Gender Reveal In Poor Taste +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 15, 2020 44:06


    In Episode 15, we discuss:  // French Feminist Hates Men But Loves Her Boyfriend  // Astralian Optometrist Destroys Her Career Not Her Pussy  // Gender Reveal Party In United Arab Emirates Is Designed For Just One Gender  // British Couple's World Tour Includes Estonia And No Other Countries 

    #14 - Amazon Tells You How To Live, Israel Is Almost OK, Dude Removes Ears For Fun +more

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 1, 2020 46:55


    In Episode 14, we discuss:  // Amazon's New Fitness Tracker Will Make You Fit And Submissive   // While Israel Sends Airplane to UAE...  // ...Palestine Sends Air Baloons To Israel  // Don't Get Pregnant In Zimbabwe If You Want Education  // German Dude Cuts His Ears Off And It Is Not Even His Biggest Problem

    #13 - Russian Woman Resurrected, Germany Can't Break Bad Habits, British School Teaches Jihad and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 27, 2020 37:16


    In Episode 13, we discuss more fascinating news from the globe:  // Ukraine's ex-PM is diagnosed with COVID and Russia celebrates  // 81-year-old Russian Woman Came Back From The Dead  // Little Kids In New Zealand Do Cocaine (Or Play Lego)  // Islamic School In The UK Offers Extra Lessons On How To Fight Infidels  // Germany Is Back To Experimenting On Large Groups Of People  // American Archbishop Sells Bleach As A COVID (HIV, Cancer, Autism) Cure

    #12 - New Interpretation Of The Matrix, NASA Apes Elon Musk, Saudi Newbie Killers and Ellen DeGeneres' Demise

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 18, 2020 32:32


    In Episode 12 we discuss:  // The Matrix Is A Transgender-themed Movie, Authors Reveal  // NASA Gives Heavenly Body The Same Names As Elon Musk Gives To His Kids  // Deadly Saudi Overseas Hit Squad Can't Even Pass Canadian Passport Check  // Ellen DeGeneres And Her Wife Prefer Romance Over Diversified Financial Planning  

    #11 - Old People Ruin The World, Britons Occupy Germany (Or Vice Versa), Madonna vs Zuckerberg and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 11, 2020 35:05


    In Episode 11, we discuss:  // One Old Person Destroys Brazil Rainforest While Other Old People Destroy The Rest Of The World  // Britons Queue For German Passports (And For Reparations) // Being On A Death Row In Pakistan Is Not Big Enough Punishment For Blasphemy // Madonna Says Rich People Have COVID-19 Cure But How Can She Know? 

    #10 - Michelle Obama's Podcast (Sucks), Mexican Cartels Are Badass, Germany's Hunt For Nazis and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 30, 2020 31:19


    In Episode 10 we discuss:  // Michelle Obama's New Podcast is Inferior To Ours  // Meixican Cartel Shows Who Is Actually In Charge  // Russian Cinemas Will Only Screen Light-Hearted Movies Because Life In Russia Is Already Hard  // Aaron Rogers And Danica Patrick Split Up (Who Cares, Seriously?)   // Germany Keeps Clinging On The Past By Prosecuting 97 Years Old Nazi 

    #9 - Free Saudi Woman, Startup Founder Job Is Deadly, Trump Invents Eternal Life and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 21, 2020 34:28


    In Episode 9 we discuss:  // Cadbury chocolate bars will shrink but old price remains  // Renowned US judge is only alive thanks to Trump  // Azerbaijan and Armenia are real countries and they will destroy you  // Saudi Arabia grants freedom to women, to one at a time  // Tech entrepreneur is massacred in New York  // Canadians want to build a wall with the US (kind of)  // Story in which British right winger is not the only insane person 

    #8 - Bollywood Stars Have COVID Too, China More Progressive Than US, Maddie McCann's Body Found (We Think) and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 15, 2020 36:49


    In Episode 8 we discuss:  // Bollywood Stars Have COVID Too (Are They Also Human?!)  // English Tourist Kills In Spain But Won't Go To Prison  // Transgender Rights In China Stronger Than In The US  // Madeleine McCann Starred In "The Ring" Movie  // Don't Hunt A Norwegian Hunter

    #7 - Dog Meat Banned In India, Don't Microwave Your Books, Organ Donation Is Racist and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 6, 2020 40:54


    Apologies for this episode's sound quality. Blame Boris Johnson (or Donald Trump, or whoever your enemy is, it is their fault).  In Episode 7, we discuss:  // Sale of dog meat is banned in one of India's states  // Americans microwave their books to kill corona virus  // You are more likely to receive organ if you are white  // North Korea finally follows our advice and uses coronavirus as an excuse to punish certain people

    #6 - Pensioner Evicts Own Daughter, Dixie Chicks Become Chicks, Degree In Ninja Studies and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 1, 2020 46:22


    In Episode 6:  // Australian pensioner evicts his own daughter  // Country band Dixie Chicks drops "Dixie" from their name  // North Korea sends cigarette butts to South Korea  // Corona is becoming a widely used baby girl name  // First ever university degree in ninja studies in Japan

    News Noir - Trailer

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 26, 2020 2:55


    Now that we are on Episode 5, isn't it time for a proper trailer. News Noir is a weekly dark comedic review of international news. Listen to 2 minutes 55 seconds trailer and decide whether you want to subscribe (if not, check your taste receptors).

    #5 - German Fraudster Fails, Austrian Fined For Farting, Iran Wants Babies, Greek Sex Workers Puzzled

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 21, 2020 43:15


    In Episode 5, we discuss:  // Inexperienced fraudster from Germany // Most outrageous crime in Austria that you can imagine // Iran wants more babies // Sex workers in Greece receive new instructions

    #4 - Polish President vs LGBT, New York Sex Guidelines, Swiss Police Gone Rogue and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 20, 2020 44:04


    Apologies for this episode's poor audio quality. Measures were taken. In Episode 4 we discuss:  // Four-year-old shot dead in Brazil  // Polish president vs LGBT  // Blogger leaves husband for stepson  // Russian actor causes a car crash  // Swiss police is desperate to find crime  // New York sex guidelines  // Joe Biden is da man 

    #3 - World's Oldest Man Dies, Namibia's President Throws A Party, Spanish Porn Star Arrested and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 20, 2020 59:35


    In Episode 3 we discuss:  // World's oldest man dies  // May 2020 was hot  // Russian police being nice  // Spanish porn star arrested  // British vicar did nothing wrong  // Self-isolation is not what it seems  // Creative South African robbers  // Namibia's president throws a party  // Alcohol consumption is bad 

    #2 - Prositution In Switzerland, Pigeon Spies, Madonna, Australian Pervs and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 20, 2020 36:26


    In Episode 2 we discuss:  // Swiss prostitution  // Madagascar's COVID cure  // Insta couple with dark secret  // Trump is Trump  // US child molesting  // Russian writer dead & shamed  // Hong Kong lawyer lynched  // Sweden vs coronavirus  // Pakistan uses pigeon spy  // Madonna is Madonna  // Aussie sex fantasy turns nightmare 

    #1 - FGM in Somalia, Dolphins Train Humans, Russian Police Does Its Job, Kids Finding Gold Bars and more

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 20, 2020 39:14


    In Episode 1 we discuss:  // FGM industry in Somalia  // Pakistan plane crash  // Dolphins train humans  // US sanctions against China  // Italian loan sharks  // Russian police does its job  // Trump's bank details  // China is upset  // French kids find gold bars  // Netflix star dies  // Son kills dad during Zoom chat  // Record internet speed

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