Trapped in the Cage with Nicolas Cage

Oh goody, we're back into the weeds of awful Nicolas Cage movies with little to no redeeming value, and Nic's back to sleepwalking through paycheck pictures. 

Except for The Croods but that's our bad because we skipped on that one.

We're professionals so we went back to give Mom and Dad the full half-episode treatment it deserves because it's only slightly more terrible than The Humanity Bureau.

This episode shows us a rare juxtaposition of the dullest and worst Nicolas Cage has to offer with the wildest and worst Nicolas Cage is capable of.

Hey, it's our Fourth of July-week episode! Enjoy this rousing American tale of triumph over adversity through the filter of some of the worst filmmaking decisions we have ever experienced. Also, Nicolas Cage only bothers acting for one of his many scenes in this terrible picture.

One of these films is from an acclaimed writer and director, and the other is The Trust. Only one of them is even close to watchable. Find out which one is which on this week's episode!

A too-brief reminder that Nicolas Cage is capable of depth and subtlety. Just make sure you've submitted your ghost payments for the month.

Is this truly the End of Days, the time of blood and fire when the world is naught but suffering and pain until the Last Trump sounds, and the worthy are called to Paradise? Naw, dog, this is just two more terrible Nicolas Cage pictures.

We are in a dark, infinite jungle of bad movies, and there is no escape.

Hey look, it's the only good movie we get to watch for like twenty goddamn episodes.

How did we take a movie that's barely worth thinking about and discuss it for an hour? Josh has O*P*I*N*I*O*N*S on John Cusack.

Only one of these movies is halfway decent, but it's not the one you think it is.

2 movies so amazing we have to compress them into one episode! These definitely aren't two dumpster fire movies at all!

It's another, somehow lesser Ghost Rider film made for tax purposes and so Sony can hold onto the Ghost Rider IP for a few more scant years. Nicolas Cage, sadly, does not help proceedings.

It's time for the movie that killed a career.

This movie is a tiny pinprick of light in the all-consuming night of terrors that is Nicolas Cage's mid-to-late 2000s career. I'm so thankful for it that it just happened to be late and become our Thanksgiving show.

As he is the star that guides our faith and our holy path through this torrid universe, Nicolas Cage is the sole bright spot in this cynical turd of a superhero movie.

This movie is great, Nicolas Cage is great, but the title is undeniably piss. Piss that Nic Cage's character most certainly unleashed onto an unsuspecting prostitute.

Gerbils, guinea pigs, and star moles, oh my! We're talking about a movie where Nicolas Cage has no right to be doing this good a performance, especially as compared to literally everyone else snoozing through this movie.

The only thing worth knowing about Knowing is that Nicolas Cage and Alex Proyas should be ashamed of themselves for what they've done.

Time to get some knowledge in ya, because today we're discussing a genuine documentary film with real people and what all in it. Not one of Nic Cage's make-em-ups this week!

The most dangerous part of Bangkok Dangerous is the immutable fact that, upon finishing the film, you are one hour and forty-five minutes closer to your death.

SPOILER ALERT! We spoil the pants off of The Incredibles 2 in the first few minutes of this one, so skip to about the 4 minute mark if you are so worried over having a kids film's absurdly telegraphed twist spoiled for you.  In more related news, how did we somehow talk about the fucking Ghost Rider movie for over an hour what is WRONG with us?

Well hi there little fella! We took ourselves a bit of a summer break, and now your favorite brother-fronted Nicolas Cage-centric audio experience is back with talk of Nicolas Cage's first sequel, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, known in many circles as "technically a movie" and "the Empire Strikes Back" moment in the career of Justin Bartha. Wait, does anyone say the last bit? Probably.

The NEXT thing I want to see is a good Nicolas Cage movie. Unfortunately, his output in the mid to late 2000s is not going to allow for this simple dream.

Who'd have thought that what could easily be considered Nicolas Cage's WORST movie would be our 45th episode, the same number as our country's worst president! Seriously, fuck Trump and this movie.

Who'd have thought that a Nicolas Cage/Oliver Stone joint about September 11th 2001 would be the least extreme movie either person has ever made?

I think it's safe to say that some of the things that we say about The Ant Bully should qualify as bullying. We'll own that one. It stick sucks nards as a movie.

I was going to make a Dougie Adams ref in this description, since 42 and all and so nice and very good, but thinking about Lord of War again fills me with such boredom that you get nothing but this episode, where I really need to start thinking seriously about the cathartic glee me brother and I get when we watch terrible fates befall Jared Leto.

The Weather Man dropped like a lead balloon when it hit theaters in 2005, so we'll drop on IT like a...respect balloon in 2018. 

Here's a bonus episode for you guys! We of course want to maintain the integrity of this hallowed podcast by experiencing each Nicolas Cage movie in order, to better track his development as God's Blessed Acting Boy, but Mom and Dad, released simultaneously in theaters and streaming services January 19th, seemed to be something to experience post haste. Is it worth the break in tradition? Oh heavens, no, but we're gonna talk about it for a bit. Enjoy!

Normally, I'd make a joke here about how Nicolas Cage is the real national treasure in the movie National Treasure, and in fact, I'm positive Josh makes that joke in the intro to the episode, but real talk, he's deadly dull in this one, and we had to suffer through a tired, unenthused Nic Cage for two hours.

This is a solid movie and a good episode, but the most important moment in this show happens in the first couple of minutes when Alex strikes gold for naming the next podcast. Don't you steal it, you bastards.

Finally, our first show recorded in 2018! We get off to a rough, weird start, and I apologize for none of it. Just be happy I cut the bit about monkey semen. Anyway, here's Adaptation, the first legit great movie we have watched for this podcast in what feels like ten thousand years.

Thanks to holidays being holidays, this episode was recorded just before Christmas, and Alex was a dumbass and forgot to upload it. Thankfully, we were talking about Sonny, a movie nobody in their right minds should be watching. Nic Cage dun goofed on this one hardcore.

Man, who'd have thought that John Woo could make a war movie this BORING?

This picture is even more of a slog than The Family Man because there's no one as odious as Brett Ratner involved in Captain Corelli's Mandolin, aside from it being a Weinstein-era Miramax production. It's just a dull, dull movie where no one making it looks like they're having fun, even when they're supposed to be having fun on sun-dappled Greek coasts.

Welcome to our Christmas special...in November. The Family Man is so dull that the best we could do is try and pivot into a holiday special halfway through, but indeed we cared about as little for the magic of Christmas as the makers of this film did. Fuck Brett Ratner.

It's a GHOULISH Trapped in the Cage Halloween spectacular this week! We team up with podcast buddies Fran Lyn and Phil Shepard of the Franimorphs podcast to talk all about one of Fran's favorite movies, Gone in 60 Seconds. Perhaps the true horror in this episode is that Alex...kinda liked the movie? MUAHAHAHAHAHA SPOOKY SCARY

Our sainted father Joel Katz joins us today, so you KNOW we got a plus-sized episode so we can fit all that Katz Men Sass. That sounds gross. Sorry, y'all. Send your complaints directly to Josh, wherever the hell he is in this exact moment. Probably on the can? That's a pretty solid assumption. We tear the lid off of Martin Scorcese's best movie no one saw, Bringing Out the Dead. Nic Cage bids adieu to the millennium in this picture, a millennium he has almost certainly seen the entirety of.

Aw dag, Alex couldn't make it to this one! He was too busy having mind-altering procedures forcibly done on him. Weekends, am I right? Also, Nicolas Cage joins us to try hawking a bed stuffed with pubes.

Snake Eyes is a movie so stuffed with movie that it made the dang podcast late! You suck, Brian DePalma! Not as a filmmaker, though, just as an entity that delayed the podcast. Also, if you're listening, Mr. DePalma, where's that sexy Blow Out sequel we've all been waiting for?

Oh, Nicolas. Did someone tell you you were playing an angel, and you thought you would be playing TV's Angel? From a television series that wasn't out yet? His brain is on a nonlinear timeline after all. That's he only explanation we have for why Nicolas Cage would play an angel without demanding resplendent angel wings. Instead, he's just got a trenchcoat and the occasional creep smile.

This movie is amazing, and the microphone picked up a totally awesome fart during the recording. See if you can guess when the fart happens and which brother dealt it!

It's our second live show! Josh couldn't join us for this one, as he's off in the Pacific Northwest being a better cousin than Alex, but we've got Sarah Ahmed and Jesse Hill live at the Coalition Theater chatting all about Con Air, the finest airplane-themed action comedy since Airplane! if that movie had an explosion for every hilarious good.

Oh boy oh jeez oh man, it's our first live show! You won't hear the audience THAT well, and for that I apologize, as we only have the one mic that we had to huddle around like poor wastrel orphans trying desperately to stay alive in the harsh winter. Fuck, that's dark! We watched The Rock, the classic Michael Bay action picture featuring old NC, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris! This was such an amazing experience, and we can't wait for our next live show! At the time of uploading this, our next one is at the end of September.

What's that, the telephone is ringing? Better pick that up. Hello? OSCAR? Is that Mr. Oscar of the Hollywood Oscars? Oh, you don't want to talk to me. You want to talk to Nicolas Cage. Oh. I see. No, no, I'm not upset or anything! No, I'm fine. Really. I'm FINE. Let me just get Nicolas for you. HEY NICOLAS CAGE! YOU JUST WON AN OSCAR! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?

Ok, loves, this is Nicolas Cage's last picture before he wins his Academy Award, and he's on the cusp of Action Movie Messiah. Unfortunately, it's not the best movie. Kiss of Death was supposed to be a vehicle to launch the movie career of one David Caruso. Unfortunately, as you've probably noticed, David Caruso isn't really a movie star. Or really doing anything, now that CSI Miami is through. What we're left with is Nicolas Cage as a B.A.D. boy gangster. Hey, what's B.A.D. stand for? You'll know soon enough. It's a symbol of Nicolas Cage's individuality and his belief in personal freedom. Also, Josh talks a lot about Michael Rappaport's big, thick tongue, and I'm sorry you have to hear that.

You know that feeling when you've got something that's almost good? How maddening it is when you know in your heart of hearts that you've come really, really close to doing a good job, only to realize you wanged it up just enough to look incompetent, but not enough to look like you need to find a new line of work? This is a complicated metaphor. Trapped in Paradise is a kind of failure that just barely misses being an actual decent movie. Our Cage manages to get a little more wound up than in It Could Happen to You, so at least there's that!

Ok, there's a technical whoopsie in the middle of this episode. Blame Josh for spreading forbidden, forgotten knowledge that sends ripples throughout space-time in our reality and the neighboring branes on our multiversal stack. I have some pamphlets from Warren Ellis and Grant Morrison if you want more on the nature of multiverse-interrupting facts, but for now, Josh and I are gonna talk about It Could Happen to You, one of the more boring and rote Nicolas Cage movies we are going to see. Plus, see almost every character of a non-white ethnicity be reduced to a stereotype or a screaming banshee of displeasure!

Welcome to the end of our grand world tour, this time seeing Josh on his own discussing Guarding Tess with returning guests Josh Thorud and Brad's Bud AKA Thrillhammer. You get two episodes this week because your two dingus brother podcasters dinged it up again and didn't do an episode last week. Ooops! Join us at the Coalition Theater at 10:00 on Friday, July 28th for our live show! We'll talk about The Rock and possibly a cock and our favorite Vulcan, Spock.