Chain of Duels

Kathleen, if you’re still listening--knock three times! HEY GUYS, it’s the first CoDcast of 2020, and BOY ARE WE RUSTY. So what if we recorded this in 2019? This has some real 2020 energy, so let’s just roll with it. This ep, your girls go deep on Esther’s glorious beverage masterpiece known as SHOT CHOCOLATE, Kristin’s various Hulk Hand receptacles, Esther’s then-recent move into The House at the Top of the House, and the evolution of Kristin’s filthy word habit (THANKS DAD). Do we shove ourselves into a grudge/cry box? We sure don’t! (Spoiler alert). Our duel this week is THE GREATEST DAVID. This topic has a specific origin story that we FOR SURE get into in extreme detail, so buckle up, start a friends-with-benefits situation with some furniture, and get ready for a DAVIDTASTIC TIME. Takeaway quote: “I was a floater in God’s eye.” Highlights: + “SH*THOOKS!” + What kind of Shere Kahn situation? + Kristin attempts to steer past a Tim McGraw Crooning Session, but DOES SHE MAKE IT + A VERY SPECIAL SOLO INTERLUDE + Tom Hardy face blindness + We dig a little into our own lore and boy howdy are there some unwieldy bits + Also Esther tells you pretty much everything except who Baby is, BABY IS THE LEOPARD if you didn’t get that (you’ll know when you get there) + “Did you smack him on the OFDAVID?” + Gentle podcast recommendations! + Episode timer, aka Esther’s bladder + A SURPRISE SECOND SOLO INTERLUDE

Well folks, we are officially in the double digits with episodes! We don’t bring that up in our recording, however we DO talk about the Gregorian calendar a surprising lot up top, so there’s that! Our duel this week is Sea Creature We Would Be for a Day (hint, it’s definitely NOT a lady dolphin). Also it is of course no longer Virgo Season (nor September), but it certainly was when we recorded, as noted several times. Takeaway quote: “I’m wolf-married to West Side Story.” Highlights: + The crimes of Caesar A-Gus-Gus + It is never too late to leave for Europe + We welcome our newest (head-canon) listener: OPG! + “Did you watch Mary Poppins growing up?” “Of course I did, LOOK AT ME!!!!” + Esther’s nephew 100 percent steals the scene in her Cry Corner + The Grudge Corner: The Shets and the Jarks (with an unexpected detour into Little Women BECAUSE WE CAN) + Dear Father Triton + Kristin teaches us about “I-Hope-You-Dance Situations” as they relate to aquatic mating rituals and you are SO VERY WELCOME + “Come on girrrrl, MY BELLY SO EMPTY!” + The importance of vegetation-based anchor points + Both cheeks out + Scatter points and surprising page counts + BENEDICTION-BATCH: We hope you dance!

Heyyyyy girl! Whatcha dooooooin’? Heyyyyyy girl! Where ya goin? WHO’S THAT GIRL? WHO’S THAT GIRL? It’s DUELS. Gather your bird shirts, your silk kimonos, your giardia-infected belly rings, don’t feed any cereal flakes to amphibians, and COME ON DOWN because Kristin and Esther are GOING DEEP ON NEW GIRL!!!!! You know, the TV show? The one that ran from 2011 to 2018? Our duel this week is BEST NEW GIRL EPISODE, and we may or may not talk for two full human hours about this wonderful and beautiful creation of a television show. Quotes abound! Important moments! BUT THERE’S MORE -- we introduce two new segments that are both CORNERS, making this show really kind of a weird polygon, if you want to go all geometrical: KRISTIN’S GRUDGE CORNER and EsTEAR’s CRY CORNER. We’ve missed you kittens, so here’s an extra long episode to snuggle up with. Editor/Esther’s Note: The advice I was trying to remember from the episode was this gem: “Don’t do a slumber party trick on yourself.” Takeaway quote: “That kind of gives my nipples brain freeze, thinking about that” Alternate takeaway quote: “I just know I am, in most conversations, trying to figure out a way to weave in ‘slut butler.’” Another alternate takeaway quote: “It’s called Chain of DUELS, not Chain of SOFT OPINIONS.” Highlights: + Kristin’s inaugural Grudge Corner is a confusing journey of anger, then victory, then research, then confusion, and then back to straight up complacence. What IS the next evolution from a starship? + Esther takes us on an Incredible Journey of tears (and pedicures) and introduces us to OLD BODGER. + THE DICE IS DEAD! WE’RE TAKING CHARGE OF OUR OWN DESTINY! (Unless Roll Dice Online wants to sponsor us, then we’ll GLADLY keep rolling the dice to choose future duels) + “He’s very earnest …. And … his name is Ernest.” “OW! ME SO ERNIE!” + Seriously, though, what ARE people from Maine called? + “I am not a titan of finance, sir!” + ICE BRA: not as good of an idea in practice as it is in theory. + SURPRISE, we’re the presidents of the Linda Cardellini fan club! + We’ll leave you on a cliffhanger: WILL WE EVER GET SUED? WHO WILL BE FIRST TO DRAG US THROUGH THE COURTS?

WARNING the buzz level is HIGH in this episode. That is pretty much all you need to know so just BUCKLE UP YOUR BELTS (seat or otherwise). This week’s duel is a real barn (loin??) burner: Sexiest Villain/Monster. Prepare yourself for the moment that neither of us were prepared for, a moment which caused a total meltdown and temporarily shorted out our recording! Honestly … we are still in delighted shock. PS We’ve observed a solid trend of our listeners (TWO OF THEM NOW!) traveling to Europe so you know … there’s probably a bullshit guarantee in there somewhere about our podcast being good luck if you dream of going abroad. Why not try it?? Takeaway quote: “Toby, LET GO of the wheel!!” Alternate takeaway quote: “WHICH GRUDGE PET IS CATFISHING ME?” Highlights: + This week on Kristin’s Grudge Corner: Who got slapped and why? Subplots: Your regularly scheduled reminders of who went to public school and who was homeschooled, A Loop of Fundraising + Esther reveals a life ambition that sounds … cruel? But it comes from love! Kristin recounts her defense for the one violent event of our friendship + Sean Bean non-spoiler + Scooby Doo algorithms/profiling + The most solid Gabor pun you will ever hear in your LIFE!!! + What IS Simba eating?! + The facts of Skarsgaard life + We call an audible and totally change up the rules of our own podcast because GUESS WHAT, we can! (And also, there were never any rules, have you been listening?) + We segment a new segment + Esther’s spatial awareness < Taran Killam’s + Patchouli rage

Oh settle in, children old and young, for the airing of grievances against ancient authors--I mean, for some charming and not at all disturbing children’s rhymes and stories! OOPS, when I said “not at all” I meant “VERY.” A goodly half-hour of this episode is essentially an abridged audiobook retelling of the most translated [*NON-RELIGIOUS] book in the world! Can you even fathom what that book might be? And once we tell you, can you understand at all why? (We can’t!) Also, we had wine again this week, so by all means listen at your own discretion. On a plus note, we only mention Humpty Dumpty, like, twice! PROGRESS! Takeaway quote: “What was a sausage forging letters for?!” Highlights: + Location change! And drunken (acting) toddlers + NOT Capybara poop/pee + Esther ruins a teenage worker’s job, probably + Some Gerard DeparDIEU-LING (GET IT?!) + 1st contestant: One of these things is not like the other, and nothing behaves as it should + 2nd contestant: don’t lie OR throw hammers; Mescaline (possibly??) is a hell of a drug; deus ex cricket-a + A Surprise Ranking of Our Childhood Animated Crushes (most of them are animals, it’s fine, question mark??) Did you think we would miss a chance to mention our forever love and podcast mascot Robin Hood the foxy fox? Of course we would not! + A Surprise Book Review! + A Surprise Discussion of Esther’s Writing Style! + We pioneer a whole new outcome of a duel! Did Aaron Burr realize there was this option? + “I’m just gonna write down ‘Hulk hands adjacent’”

Aaaaaaaaand we’re BACK! Strap on your boots for a surprise goblet-filled grocery store journey of a podcast episode. This week, your friendly neighborhood Esther and Kristin definitely don’t talk any more about Game of Thrones (except they totally do because uggghhhhhhhhh). Once that is out of the way, they get on to the MUCH more pleasant comparison that is this week’s duel: DOES CAT PEE OR CAT POO SMELL WORSE? This is the most contentious duel yet! Each lady’s answer will shock you! The last two sentences may or may not be lies! Also, Humpty Dumpty comes back and no one is sure how they feel about it. Takeaway quote: “I’ve cleaned up a lot of poopy mistakes my cats have made” Alternate quote: “Sorry for cursing, please don’t let your daughters listen” Highlights: +WE HAVE CLAPS, NOT *THE* CLAP, OKAY??? +Kristin goes on an adventure in Leaving the House and Talking to Strangers at the grocery store +This episode was recorded MERE HOURS before the Game of Thrones series finale aired, so we talk mad shit about the penultimate episode while stating our expectations for the finale +The LMM Ten Duel Commandments intro to this weeks duel GETS PERFECTED because WE ARE AMAZING +The cat pee/poo debate devolves into Tales of Kristin’s Childhood Cat and how little of a crap (PUN NOT INTENDED) he gave re: making new friends +Esther thinks sleeping on a warm printer is a very smart idea! Call of Duty players: if you’re listening, WE LOVE YOU! TROLL THE RESPAWN!

Friends! Ancient Greeks! Fans of popular fandoms! Welcome to an elongated episode which is basically one gigantic SPOILER for both Game of Thrones Season 8 and Avengers Endgame. (Turn back now if that’s not your jam! Ye be warned.) How does a chelsea boot factor into this? JUST YOU WAIT. We really jump from the cock to the donkey a whole bunch in this one, and by the end of the episode you’ll understand both what that means AND how to say it in French! So we should probably go ahead and change our genre to “Educational.” This week’s duel: Language You Would Be Fluent In If You Could Learn It Instantly. Takeaway quote: “Jaime is the Buster of Arrested Game of Thrones.” Alternate quote: “Your sins are the same as your notes to your mom.” Alternate to the alternate: “Drink your hemlock and stop ruining my life.” Highlights: + The Kathleen Shoutout (Week 2!) + The running count of our friends/listeners continues, if you’re playing along at home! + GOT E3: Esther rants about dragons; also we eviscerate the plan henceforward known as Theon and a Bunch of Red Shirts (not a band name, but it could be) + GOT E4: Kristin provides the soundtrack for a certain couple’s hookup + Endgame: The most significant question of the whole movie, which character gave Kristin pants feelings? (IT’S PROBABLY NOT WHO YOU THINK) + We finally check our dueling style against LMM’s Ten Duel Commandments … don’t worry, our cats are now involved so everything is much more official! SOLVED! + Our resident Grudge Camel reveals which ancient philosopher is on her Sh*t List + WHAT SEES THE HEN’S BOOBS?? Also, a real sticky wicket featuring dog feces and husks of grain. + A recounting of our most glorious Google search + “Bye, Esther’s paintings!” + The relationship of a daddy to a krispy

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! NO! IT’S AN AUDIO FORM OF KRISTIN AND ESTHER’S CREATIVE LOVE CHILD -- NOW WITH 100% CLEARER VOICES! Come, listener friends (aka Kathleen and Kathleen only), and sit in our meadow filled with over-excitable sheep as we absolutely 100% do not bring up Toby Keith again. Or any other 90s-era country star, for that matter! OK, frankly we do--but we also discuss injuries we’ve sustained in normal and not weird ways, the logic traps/Vaudevillian-esque comedy acts of children, and get unexpectedly deep after a teensy mention of Game of Thrones. Our duel this week is FAVORITE THINGS BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER H -- and it’s a truly fantastic voyage. There is an actual winner this week, also! We didn’t even have to text Alicia *twinkly noise* to fight our battles for us! Do you think horseshoe crabs found favor with us? LISTEN TO FIND OUT. Takeaway quote: “Wouldn’t it be a humpFRONT?” Amendment: God, Kristin was so wrong. NOT ONLY does Garth Brooks have a twitter account with almost 500K followers (which tbh feels low for how long he’s been a country music legend), there is INDEED a Chris Gaines article on Wikipedia. Highlights: + Praise be to the audio gods, we’ve got crystal clear sound this week! No scratchy scratches when we cackle very loudly directly into the mic -- you’re very welcome + Is it possible to go from cackling about country singers dressed as superheroes to seriously talking about our feelings in a matter of minutes? WELCOME TO OUR FRIENDSHIP. + K: “But, as it turns out, I have the pain threshold of an OX.” E: “I always knew that about you!” + Guess which dental procedure was one of Esther’s Childhood Nicknames! Hint: It wasn’t GUM SCALING. + Do we or do we not want to go lay in a ham hock? + The outing of the grudge camel! + WE DO NOT TRUCK WITH HUMPTY DUMPTY OR HIS TROUSER SITUATION

Here we are AGAIN!! And let us tell you … one god or another (MARDUK, IS IT YOU??) did not want this recording to occur, but we persevered! You’re welcome?? Esther was only slightly present in mind and body thanks to THE LAG OF JETS from her recent travels, but thankfully Kristin was there to steer us all straight into the loving arms of … YOU’LL SEE. Here you’ll find our second ever duel (Creation Myths!) featuring a sacrificial muskrat versus a Salty Mama with a side of Double God. Listen for the moment where jet-lagged Esther almost collapses under the weight of the Sumerian retelling (“Is … Earth here yet?”). Other nuggets: we provide some free (for now! WINK) advice to the otherwise-perfect Tom Hanks, Kristin recklessly invents a new guest star for our night terrors (“It’s the American way!”), and Esther does not tell you as much about her cross-country trip so much as she tries, kinda fruitlessly, to describe how red-eye flights work. Takeaway quote: “Toby take the wheel!” Take home question: How much demented mucus does it take for one’s system to push out a mighty storm demon? Highlights: + Some real fun terrible adult conversations: Surprise dental work! + TAXES! The Chicago city sticker system being a huge racket! Donkey Kong ruining cars with bananas and driving Kristin out of the midwest! + Did we forget to introduce ourselves? Is anyone on this podcast named Rhonda? + Praise be to the sacrificial muskrat! And his tiny mud-filled paw! + “I feel like it’s going to have corn in it” Always applicable, always appropriate + DAAAAAAMN, Kina! Kingu, king-WHO? + #JUSTICEFORTIAMAT + This may be the first mention of MONOBRAIN, but is definitely not the last

WE MADE IT TO EPISODE TWO! WE FINALLY HAVE A DUEL TO BEGIN THE CHAIN OF DUELS!!!! THIS IS HUGE!!!!! But first, we have a whole journey to get us there. Through Renaissance art! Through Irish rugby players! Through Esther’s insanely sweet list of 23 reverse stabbings aka compliments (look, just listen, I can’t explain what “reverse stabbings” are here in the show notes) for Kristin! Through Kristin’s inability to make friends with Grecian cats! Do we discuss early 20th century authoritarian regimes and/or serial killers? OF COURSE WE DON’T. WE WOULD NEVER DO THAT. Our Duel theme this week is “Turns of phrase that should be said more often” and listen to how we both interpreted that COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY! And stay tuned to find out who wins … or if we both loved each others’ so much that we had to text them all to Alicia (*GONG*) to make the decision for us. Takeaway quote: “Here at Chain of Duels, we’re about sword-cut baguettes and schlong-churned--” “AAAAGGGHHHHHHH!” Another takeaway quote: “If it’s BOTH and you have a body covered in boobs, WHICH BOTH? WHICH TWO??” Highlights: + Good news! We didn’t each drink a full bottle of wine this time! So we’re just drunk on mashed potatoes and Dasani White Peach Natural Sparkling Water Beverage! + There’s a weird tiny echo sometimes when Kristin talks and we’re sorry about that -- our audio is still a work in progress! We’re learning! + Schlong-churned cream in your hot chocolate, madame? + Rugby positions (CATCH! TIGHTHEAD! JOHN! HOOKER! SCREW!) may or may not have cured Kristin of one of her words she hates. + WE ARE SORRY, PAULA ABDUL. xoxo C. Scarlywag Skook

Look, eventually we explain not only who we are, how we met, why we love each other, and which My Little Pony we think Biden cosplays as, BUT ALSO: the premise of this bonkers podcast! Aka, why it’s called Chain of Duels (other than because we love a good pun). So get in and hang in there if you’re game--only the strong will survive! (What??) Also we are early days with figuring out our audio quality, it WILL improve! As Kristin eloquently notes in the episode, “We’re working with our technology and everything.” Takeaway quote: “We neither have body boils nor Susan Boyles.” Amendment: Yes we realize twice a week for four weeks would have been EIGHT outfits (it was an editing class, not MATH) Highlights: + In which we learn how microphones work (KINDA! you're welcome!!) + Some gentle pretzel eating, listen in! + Esther’s last name is Jobdonovich? GUESS HOW IT’S SPELLED. (Spoiler alert, no it’s not, but still a good time!) + Also, sorry, there’s quite a bit of talking over each other as the episode progresses (unravels?). We plead the fifth … of wine that was left in each of our bottles by the end. We’ll be better! Pinky swears. + STAR: CHERISH IT ALWAYS