Dad Smarter Not Harder

Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff, the author of Hunt, Gather, Parent, tells us a story about how she almost assumed the worst about her 6-year old daughter when she was using the fine champagne glasses. Before responding in anger, she caught herself and asked, "What's your plan for those?" Thankfully she did, because her daughter was planning to make a "special drink" for Michaeleen's birthday. Likewise, Jun tells a story about how he saw his daughters wrestling on top of a table. His natural reaction was to react in anger, "Stop what you're doing! You're hurting each other." Instead, he asked his children, "What's going on over there?" Turned out, the 4yo was trying to save the 2yo from falling off the table. Learn more about Michaeleen and her book, Hunt, Gather, Parent here: https://michaeleendoucleff.com/

In the GrACE framework, staying true to your word is part of "C" -- Confidence. Building the Confidence in the child that they are someone who is true to their word. That they are a dependable and trustworthy person.On today's episode, my 4yo says one thing, but does another. Instead of leading with punishment or labels, "you're a liar!", I use it as an opportunity to teach her about honesty and dependability. Here's how I do it and how you can apply the lessons in your home.

Parenting can be absolute madness. What has helped me settle down is understanding the true objective: that we need to raise fully capable, independent adults. And we can't accomplish this through punishment -- the only way to accomplish it is through taking advantage of learning opportunities.

Today I do a very quick intro on the concept of the Minimum Effective Does (MED) and my GrACE Framework:GrowthAutonomyConfidenceEmpathy

On today's episode, we talk about the mental model of connecting:Practice loving energyCalm down togetherLabel the feeling -- help the understand what happenedTeach

4yo and 2yo both wanted to be carried up the stairs today. My back hurt, I was hungry, and I was in no mood for arguing and bickering between them.So instead of obliging to their requests or telling them what to do, I turned it around on them: I see we have a challenge -- what can we do?

4yo stays at home with 2yo and for 1.5 hours, it's pure bliss. They work together, play together, and eat together. But of course, that bliss can't last forever.On this episode, 4yo makes the decision to stay home from school, and I spend the rest of the morning trying to convince her to go.

You've tried rewards and punishment. And it works in the short term, but once you take away the reward or the punishment, the child is no longer willing to eat their vegetables. So what is a parent to do?You need to do the following: teach the why with storytelling, which accomplishes the following:Captivates their attention and intrigue so that they'll listen to youTeaches them why they should eat their vegetables so that they'll do it even if you're not there 

Today I almost exploded. To have Juniper yank the book out of my hands was such a jarring, such a disrespectful experience. I was ready to unleash the wrath on Juni, but thankfully, I took my deep breaths, and proceeded with patience and love.Here's how I turned a potential disaster into a wonderful learning experience.

I've been hesitant to record this episode, but it's time to do it. I believe this is how I can add unique value to parents. It's time to teach you the way that I do storytelling in our household.And this story is nothing like you've heard in the past. In this story, there is a girl that lives in San Francisco. And she keeps sucking her fingers, against her father's warnings.And then one morning, she wakes up, and all of her fingers are gone!

What do you do when your child really, really wants something, but they can't have it? Do you try to reason with logic? Do you just say "No"!I've found that the best way to go about it is to call it what it is -- a challenge. And to let them know, we love solving challenges. And to solve a challenge, you just need to follow these easy steps:Understand the problemIdeate some solutionsChoose from the optionsThat's it. If you stop trying to solve the problem yourself, and instead help your child solve the problem themselves, then things are going to go a lot smoother.

Juniper has been acting out -- a lot. What do you do when your kids act out? If you have siblings, what do you do when one wants more attention? What do you do when one feels jealous that you've been giving the other too much time?Naturally, when Juniper complains, screams, cries, I want to just ignore her because I don't want to reinforce the behavior. If I give her attention when she's complaining, then she's just going to do it more often. But in actuality, I need to give her more attention.In this episode, we talk about the rivalry developing between Juniper and Kimbal and work on methods to make rivals into friends.Question? Hit me up on Twitter: @junloayza

My wife Kim hadn't had a full night's rest in over a year and a half. To be honest, neither had I, but mine is more self-inflicted pain because I have personal projects like this podcast (which I love by the way). But regardless, Kim needed to get some sleep.The culprit was our absolutely wonderful little potato Kimbal, who is now 19 months. There's no other way to say this -- at night, she wanted the boob, she wanted it bad. And nothing was going to stop her.So to start weaning her off the boob, Kim and I hatched a plan. It was time for me to step up, take the lead, and put our little Kimbaluchis to sleep.But we had a challenge -- Juniper, our now 4 year old, is used to me putting her to sleep. And you know this, kids don't like change. If Juniper expects me to put her to sleep and all of a sudden I put Kimbal to sleep, there's going to be some jealousy; there's going to be some tears; there's going to be some yelling. And we like to avoid those as much as possible. So we know what needed to be done -- I needed to put Kimbal to sleep. And we knew the challenge -- Juniper expected me to put her to sleep. So how can we get this done without causing shouting, tears, and tantrums?On today's episode, we learn how to pull off the inception technique.The key, as we'll find out, is encouraging and guiding, versus demanding and forcing.---Book recommendation in this episode: Hunt, Gather, Parent. Thank you for joining me today on Dad Smarter Not Harder.I want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

This past week, I sat down with Ms. Patricia, Juniper's wonderful Spanish preschool teacher from Colombia. Ms. Patricia had such wonderful things to say about Juni, but I quickly cut her off and asked her for her brutal honesty, “What are things that Juniper needs to improve?”.She identified three things: Juniper is hesitant to try new thingsWhen she gets upset, she uses disrespectful language with her peersShe doesn't eat her vegetablesAfter getting the inside scoop from the teacher, I needed to measure Juniper's progress on each point, because after all, that which is measured can be improved. What does she really think about tough challenges? What does she think is an appropriate response when someone is being disrespectful or hurts a friend? Does she understand why it's important to eat our vegetables?And I can't just ask her these questions outright. It's not like I can just sit down and interrogate her and she'll give me her honest answers.So to understand how Juniper thinks, I sought the advice of a former FBI special agent, Jack Schafer, who did an interview on the Jordan Harbinger podcast.Jack teaches us to use elicitation instead of interrogation to gather honest information. I use elicitation to understand what Juniper really thinks about sharing and what she does when people use disrespectful language. Here is what we learn on today's episode:Instead of interrogation, we can use elicitation to extract the truth from people without them knowing it“Fill in the blank” is a method in which we provide a wrong answer, allowing our target to correct us, thereby, giving us the truth“3rd party” is a method in which we ask our target what they think about a situation that another person is experiencing. Our target will likely project their truth onto the 3rd party.That which is measured can be improved. By understanding how your kids currently think, you can identify areas in which they need to improve.Thank you for joining me today on Dad Smarter Not Harder.I want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

Today on the show, we welcome Dave Lee from Dave Lee on Parenting and Dave Lee on Investing. Find Dave Lee on Twitter. I've been following him for some time now and was pleasantly surprised when I found out he had a new YouTube channel called Dave Lee on Parenting with some very unique approaches to parenting.He talks about how he doesn't have any rules in his household, how he and his kids are best friends, and that he has never needed to punish or police his kids, ever. I know, this guy either sounds like a robot, but as we'll see in this interview, his success is due to his ability to teach his kids intrinsic motivation.Now, before we get started, I want to make it clear that I believe everyone's situation is different. What works for Dave may not directly translate and work for you, but I believe that there are incredible lessons to be learned and principles to be applied here. In particular, the mentality that Dave applies to teaching his kids about why they do everything. Why do they brush their teeth, why do they clean their room, why do they eat vegetables. Often times, we as parents get trapped in the mentality of being the authority figure and policing our kids -- they need to obey us because we're the parents. And let's be real, sometimes, we just need to get stuff done. But, it will benefit all of us to take a deep breath and take the time to explain things to our kids in painstaking detail about why we do what we do, because in that way, they are intrinsically motivated to take action. So when one day you're not there, your kids will brush their teeth not because you told them to, but because they know the benefits. ---Thank you for joining me today on Dad Smarter Not Harder.I want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

If you have multiple kids, then you know first-hand that sharing just doesn't come naturally to us. One kid starts working on an item and the other immediately wants to work on the same thing. The challenge is that we don't have two of everything. And you know what, we shouldn't. Kids need to learn to wait for their turn, learn to become engrossed in an activity without the fear of it being taken away, and of course, eventually learn to share.The keyword here is “eventually”, because it doesn't help when you force a kid to share; in fact, as we'll learn today, forcing them to share is not only counterproductive, but hurts them in the long run.Principles we follow at home:We patiently wait our turn to use an itemWe don't take an item from someone and we don't pressure them to “hurry up”When we're done with an item and someone is waiting to use it, then we share itRecap of what we learn today: We as parents are our children's teachers, not the judge and jury, and not the enforcer.Don't force kids to share; instead, focus on teaching them to wait their turn and to share only once they're done working with the item.Make it clear that you expect your kids to solve their challenges together. Yes, you'll often need to help, especially when they're little, but set that expectation from the beginning and they'll eventually work it out themselves.Resolutions to teaching moments don't have to be perfect. Know that even if at the end your child refuses to share, they are listening to you and will eventually learn through consistent and loving messaging.Thank you for joining me today on Dad Smarter Not Harder.I want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

So here's the challenge all parents of young children face: how can we get out the door in the morning without our children fighting us every step of the way? Sometimes kids refuse to get dressed, don't want to eat the breakfast we served them, or are simply too immersed in an activity to listen to us. What can we do in these situations?So to help us get there, I asked for the help of Katy Wang who is the Lower School Director at Mission Montessori (which is the program for 3 - 6 year olds). She's been in early childhood education for the past 15 years: she has her AMI Certification in Primary Montessori (ages 3 - 6), AMI Certification for Elementary (ages 6 - 12), Masters in Educational Leadership, and will soon complete her Masters in Montessori Education.Here are just some of the learnings from the episode with Katy: Respect your child: When your child says “I don't want to go to school”, listen to her and treat her as you would a friend. You wouldn't ignore your friend and let them know “I don't care, you have to go to work.” No, you would empathize with them, “Yea, sometimes I don't want to go to work either.”Model behavior: When you get frustrated with your child, it's ok to be vulnerable, apologize to them, and take the time to explain why you're frustrated. Model the behavior you want your children to have.Use the “head fake” technique: If the kids aren't being responsive, try to snap them out of it by being playful (like when I pretended the dress was eating Juniper's head). Or, spur their curiosity, like when I asked Juniper, “I wonder what activities she's going to do at school.”Problem solve: If your child is focused on an activity in the morning, problem solve with them to refocus their attention: for example, when Juniper was engrossed in drawing in the morning, I could ask her “where do you think is a good place to hide your drawing in a secret place so that it's untouched until you get back from school.”I want to thank Katy Wang and Mission Montessori for being a part of our episode today.I want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

So yesterday I was on Twitter and I came across a Tweet from Austen Allred, the CEO of Lambda School. Let me describe the Tweet to you.In the picture of the Tweet, there are two kids. One is in the background using a sponge to clean the shower, the other is in the foreground, elbow deep with a scrub, cleaning that toilet. And I mean this kid is really going for it, cleaning the toilet with purpose and honor.And the Tweet reads: “The kids are fighting over who gets to clean the toilet.”No freaking way I thought. This guy is claiming that he didn't have to bribe or punish his kids into cleaning the toilet. I mean, I'd believe it if it was like making their bed, folding the laundry, or tidying up their toys… but the toilet? How is this possible?On today's episode, we explore how to intrinsically motivate your kids. Not through punishment or through bribes, but to get them to do things because they're proud to do it.Show notes:Proof showing my daughter scrubbing that toilet cleanThe Tweet that inspired this episodeThe Adventures of Tom SawyerThe Most Important Life Lesson from Tom SawyerThank you for joining me today on Dad Smarter Not Harder.I want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

Today is an incredibly personal episode. As a kid, everyday, my mom and dad would fight, they would just straight up yell at each other for the same reasons on repeat: Why do you always turn down the air conditioning? Why aren't you out there putting in more hours at work? And of course, they fought about money. We never, ever had enough money.In this episode, we explore a fight that Kim and I had recently. But the focus isn't on the fight itself; rather, the focus is on what we do after the fight has happened and how we combine techniques taught in several books to rewind the argument that happened, explain and identify the emotions that were felt, give tools to cope with these big emotions, and close the loop by apologizing to each other in front of the kids.Resources from the episode:Mark Cummings, a psychologist at Notre Dame University who extensively studies marital conflicts and how it impacts kids: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gR7bxJEvV4Dr. Tovah Klein on preschoolers: https://www.parents.com/parenting/relationships/sex-and-marriage-after-baby/how-to-fight-in-front-of-the-kids/Don't fight about the kids in front of the kids: https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/rules-parents-fighting-in-front-of-the-kids/ The instant rewind technique from the Whole Brain ChildHow to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talkI want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.

I'm so excited for this episode today. It's completely different from the last two episodes that focused on managing meltdowns (and trust me, I could probably make 100 episodes just on meltdowns). Today, we explore how to use planning to build adaptability in kids. It's going to be a good one because I have a lot of examples that you can learn from and pick and choose the technique that will best fit your family.Here are examples of plans I've made with Juniper: Twitter thread with pictures of our plans.Why learning to plan is important for kidsPlanning forces you to think about the future, teaching the child the concept of today, tomorrow, next week, and the futurePlanning forces you to delay gratification, because you will have a reward later, and you know it, but you have to wait for itPlanning forces you to develop sequential thinking: first this will happen, then this, and then thisPlanning helps you to cope with change: by planning ahead, you're forced to really think about change, expect the change, and prepare for changePlanning forces you to problem solve: if I want to accomplish Z, then I need to do X and Y firstI want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

I'm sitting in my comfy chair, just minding my business, eating my de-shelled pistachios when I hear Juniper crying. Google had played the wrong song. Ugh... can't even eat my pistachios in peace. My natural reaction is to downplay the situation, but I use the Opposite Action Technique to keep my mouth shut: Opposite Action, Behavioral Activation, and Exposure.When Juniper says that she "can't" ask Google to play the song for her, I remind her that in this household, we say "I can't yet but with practice I will." Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.I take a deep breath and help Juniper label her emotions, which helps calm her down: Helping kids identify and express feelings.We then use the brain breathing technique from The Whole-Brain Child in order to help our upstairs brain hug our downstairs brain: Upstairs And Downstairs Brain.Other breathing techniques you can try:A Little SPOT of Anger: A Story About Managing BIG EmotionsPizza breathsI want your feedback, questions, anything really. I just want to talk to you and the best way to do it is by shooting me a tweet at @junloayza.If you found this episode of Dad Smarter Not Harder valuable, then I ask you to please pay-it-forward by forwarding this episode to one other parent. Your recommendation to another parent is the greatest compliment you can give me. Thank you very much.

It's the first episode of the podcast. Woohoo!!!Thank you so much for joining me on this adventure to grow as fathers. I'm a proud papa of two little girls (Juniper - age 3 and Kimbal - age 1). We live in San Francisco, CA and my wife, Kim, and I are just trying to be the best parents we can be.Through  my conversations with other fathers, I found that we're all struggling to make it work: how should we properly discipline our kids? What values do we want to instill in them? What's the best way to do this? Am I the only one who gets tired of my kids?So, I decided to become a human guinea pig and record my interactions with my kids to become better. In so doing, I might as well put it online so that you can all share in my pain and growth as a father.In this first episode, we explore navigating the treacherous waters of a tantrum.I want your feedback. Tell me what you like, don't like, questions you have, or what topics you'd like me to explore about fatherhood. Best way to reach me is through Twitter: @JunLoayza.Thank you very much.